#i dont think im capable enough to pursue a whole career in it

[saetoru]

do you pursue graphic design? genuinely you are so talented and i wish i could have even half your talent and ideas, you're able to make some of the most beautiful banners and im just curious if its smth youve studied or 100% a hobby?

jdfhdsfg no i do not study graphic design unfortunately i am not artistic enough altho it may seem like i am. i just kinda learned how to edit stuff as i went about my tumblr writing journey !! when i first started writing i used to just use gifs from the animes (nothing wrong w that if u do btw) but then i rmr seeing a moot post a fic and i sat there for a second like oh wow that's pretty i wanna do that too and then yeah. i have come a long way LMAO i kind of just taught myself a few things over the years

but thank youuu MWAH i love doing the silly lil aesthetics of my fics it makes me happy when they look cute so im glad u like them 🥹💋

[goldshitter]

so im thinking of doing something impractical with my life, like dropping out of school and pursuing writing. i tried school, for three years i tried, ive been in uni on and off, always halfway through a credit before withdrawing due to mental illness. this semester i had 2 courses, 2, and i couldnt even finish it without giving up and being lazy and/or depressed. if i cant even do 2 courses, how will i manage the next decade? (because at the rate i was going, it would take a decade before i finished undergrad)

so maybe school isnt for me. not for now, at least. but im so scared. because if i don’t go to school, what’s even the point of my existence? i go to school so i can find a job, so i can write on the side. i can’t just skip the middle part and go directly to writing, right?

and my friends, what will they think? who would actually support a fledgling writer, who has a high school diploma and nothing else to her name? who lives with her dad and relies on her parents for food and finances while her friends are out getting degrees and working and and. who wouldn’t think i’m being stupid and wasting my education?

and my parents, im thinking of telling them i’ll be taking online courses because no way would i disappoint them like that. my dad moved across the country to live with me and support me so i could get through undergrad. he found a job here, went out of retirement, for me and the family. my mom is alone in toronto for me. how disappointed would they be to find out im not staying in school? and i come from a chinese background, while my parents aren’t overly traditional, i dont think they know a world without formal education in it. its what they had to go through to survive the communist regime and not end up farmers, and i think its the least they expect of me, to get through school. but maybe they would understand? im crying just imagining them understanding and supporting my writing career, but until im certain of it, im not risking their disappointment

and to write. to actually write. to get through the laziness and lack of motivation and actually build up a body of work. its going to be hard, because of depression, because of my own laziness. but unlike for school, its something im willing to suffer for, to push through, because i love writing, i really do, i get high off of it and live for it. i just dont persevere enough. but if i want to write as a career, i will have to

my boyfriend supports me, and two of my friends (who also dropped out of school due to mental health) understand, so i guess im not as alone as i think i am. but im so scared right now, so unsure and insecure, of my own writing capabilities, of my own future, but honestly, i dont have a future with school, at least not in my current state. so why shouldnt i pursue something i love and am good at, even while i wonder if im good enough to become published, even while i rely on my parents for support while im putting myself out there. im so scared because school is all ive known, its what i was good at, still am good at when i actually do the work. and to give that up, is like giving up my own foundation, and i feel so lost and directionless without it. only im not directionless. because i have writing. and i think im writing this not just to convince myself that i can do this (because that will take time. im still in denial about all this tbh) but to convince others i can. i want to prove people wrong, if they dont believe in me. but hey, maybe im making drama where there is none, maybe others will support and believe in me rather than put me down or tell me i cant do it. maybe their doubts are valid, because mine sure are. but seriously, staying in school uses up money and years of my life, and if i can’t even hold two courses down maybe i need to think of other options. and my other options include finding a job (but who would hire someone with a high school diploma who has no technical skills to her name? i could find a job as a barista but i dont think my energy levels can handle shifts at the moment) or just gaming all day (and i do that, but i dont want gaming to be the only point to my existence). so i’ll write. i still have to finish this semester first, im going to ask for standing deferrals so i can get extensions until the end of summer for my assignments, and deal with that. but i’ll also write, build up that novel in my mind and get it out, and ill start from there. because i have potential. and i feel like my whole life has led up to writing, it’s always been there for me, i’ve always wanted to be an author, the only difference is i cant procrastinate on being a writer and leave it to my future, it’ll just have to happen earlier than i expected

so yeah

my future

i desperately want people’s support but first i need to believe in myself, and thats going to take a lot of work to work through my doubts and continue writing

all this feels so surreal, you know? to decide in the span of a day to give up school and move on to writing full time is so mindshifting an experience, i need time to process and accept things. and again, i still have a few months to get through my current classes and talk to my parents and go to china and visit my family, so i guess its not going to start too suddenly. i just have to write everyday, now that im not doing schoolwork and want to pick up writing as a career

(until i get published though, ill never think of writing as a career in all honesty. and i dont think ill be taken seriously until i do get published. fuck, im just imagining my other friends hearing about this. theyre going to doubt me so much, but maybe not as much as ill doubt myself)

anyway

yeah

i need to cry and process things