#i dont usually steal from twitter but i needed this kept here

[starredforest]

[vyvesvi]

(copying this over from my twitter)

pd101 japan s3 mdh steal list + where i want various trainees to go

yoshida hana would do well at starship

yamazaki mitsuki will probably quit music but in my head she could be in a ninemuses-esque group with ando chiharu, koyama mana, tanaka yuuki

i follow a talent scout/trainer who's actively trying to get moro anon a kpop job so

motohashi meika mdh steal list first inductee

i dont care for mizukami rimika. she should start a yt channel if she hasn't already

matsushita miyu isn't for me but maybe she could join the ninemuses reup

fujimoto ayaka was well-liked enough to have a future somewhere. idk where, but somewhere

hatta mena has some issues but i do think she can still debut somewhere

i have no idea where nakano kokona can go but that's baby sister so i want good things for her. maybe the chanmina show? that's the only japanese survival show in the works that i can think of, plus she suits the vibe

i was convinced that takahashi hina and abe nagomi were gonna be 12 & 13 and be frontrunners for the lapone spin off group but they usually dont bother with people who don't make the finale...my non fact based opinion is that a group with these two and a couple others who were eliminated would still do better than a group of the finalists. as it stands, hina should try for the next korean season of pd101, and nagomi will have a future in jpop, even though the idea of splitting them hurts my head.

i loved takagi mayu but her brief foray into the entertainment world is over i fear

sutani yurara would probably hate it conceptually but im zapping her with my ninemuses ray. sorry.

i don't know what to do with sasaki tsukushi but she needs a win and bad. chanmina show? if keiko and rinon weren't fighting for top 11 id say debut them as a trio, i enjoyed their team's balance on bijin a lot

saito serina...i really like her but idk what to do with her. she has great idol potential and fits kbeauty standards more than jpop standards...maybe the next korean season of produce? she's like 45% mdh steal list but that's my bias talking

kano kurihara ninemuses beam

i kind of love kitazume sakura, she's cute but extremely intense & she tries to hide it by simply not saying anything but it still shines through. i think she's great. produce 101 korea just to see, she shouts instead of sings but honestly she gives izone

kikukawa aki...she's fun but she gives flop group, like majors or something tbh

no idea how nogizaka works but kawabata ranka should aim for something like that

kamio ayano reminds me so much of zhang zining it's crazy. if she had a storyline i think she would've debuted but she just never caught on. she would be a great gg member but im not sure where

oda aruha my beloved disappointment. if she had held on a lil longer she couldnt made lapone trainee status but alas. i could see her just working in dance moving forward

okabe nana could be scouted by someone, maybe akb idk

uchiyama rin might not have a future in music but it's kind of a shame since she has such a nice lower register

ando yui my little sister...idk what to do with her so im gonna blindly put her in mdh jpn ngg and say it makes sense because having 2 yui's would be cute

aramaki joa's push was too obvious and she paid the price, but there's no way she's not being kept on as a lapone trainee or getting offers, finals or not. i actually think her vibe sort of suits tripleS although im not expecting anyone from this show to join

i quite liked akiyama ema, something about her reminded me of jihyo but she never fully caught the audience's attention so unfortunately she might just dance from here on out

to be very real i hope suzu fans dont panic vote her into the top 11. she definitely has a future at lapone.

honestly some company is gonna take half the finalists and throw them in a group together regardless of fit so given they dont make top 11 but disregarding that...

sorry i want shizuku to go back to opera

momoka should go on chanmina's show and then transition into an iri copy, she'd actually do sooooo well with that but if she wants a gg...my ninemuses team is only at 7 rn

haruka will get an offer somewhere

koto & rio lapone, kagura too but i want her for the gg im building in my head

in sum:

discount nine muses: yamazaki mitsuki, ando chiharu, koyama mana, tanaka yuuki, sutani yurara, kurihara kano, kamio ayano, kenmotsu nano, kato kagura

mdh: motohashi meika

sorta mdh but not really: saito serina, ando yui, aramaki joa

final top 11 in my brain: momona, miu, rinon, ran ayane, tsuzumi, kokona, kokoro, rin, keiko, and rino (im delusional)

[soberifeel-pain]

I lied when I said that it took me forever to stop thinking about you every day. Because I can't go an hour without thinking about you. I can't even go on twitter without seeing ads for distance bracelets every other post which automatically remind me of the Loki bracelets we had before yours broke. I still have mine it's next to your watch and your sweatshirt and your t shirt. I want to give them back because I feel bad that I have them. I just don't have the guts anymore to text you or call you when you were my favorite person to hear from. I don't deserve any of your stuff because I'm so horrible. I just thought that it would be easier for you to adjust with no ties back here and I was wrong. I told you I wouldn't hurt you and I did and in the process it hurt so bad. As soon as I sent that text I wanted to take it back because nothing was right it didn't feel right. When you left I was so hurt. I have never needed to be around someone so much I got so used to seeing you every day that when you left I didn't know what to do. I talked about you so much that My step sister didn't want to talk to me. I didn't even realize I did it. People that use to only talk about their crushes used to annoy me when I realize now that they don't even realize it. It got even harder when you were to busy to text and we were on different schedules with sleep and classes. I realize now I was just being selfish. I just wanted the pain to stop I felt so alone again and I never liked that feeling it always just pushed itself in for years. The only thing I was used to doing was cutting people off when it hurt that's the only thing I have ever known how to do. So that's what I did. I just was hoping you would be okay because you've made friends then and you were going on your adventures and you were back to the gym and routine I just thought you would be okay because i only ever want you to be happy and okay and not sad. When you were sad there I wanted to pull you back here. Of all schools you could have picked you picked the farthest one with no one you know I got so angry thinking about it. What stupidity I didn't understand but you adjusted and I felt a little better because you were feeling better. But then I still felt like shit. And it sucked so much. My friend would talk about her boyfriend all the time and for the first time I understood the feeling she had. The feeling of liking someone so much that they just consume your mind all the time and it really upset me because I've never felt like that until I met you. I always knew how people in relationships should act. Touchy and affectionate and whatever, I would always have to think about being more touchy and gooie but with you I just couldn't get close enough. I was never with you enough and whenever I wasn't with you it was the empty alone feeling all over again and I wanted you back next to me. Even the fucking stars I can't look up at the sky like I used to because I just think of you and your astronomy class Tuesday nights that I could never stay up long enough for you to be done the class. And I don't like the lump feeling in my throats when you come into the theater because my first reaction is to hug you as tight as I did when you left and kiss you as hard as you did when you went to drive away then had to stop the jeep and come back one last time for a final goodbye. But I just have to freeze and choke on my words and hope you don't notice my shaking. Our talk accomplished nothing I had so many things to say but as soon as you opened the door it was gone and I couldn't think of what I had to say and I was so embarrassed but at the same time I felt relaxed. Just being next to you again gave me a little of the same feeling it used to and it made me all shaken up trying to come up with more words just so I didn't look like an unprepared idiot. I don't know how to just be friends with you I don't know how to get over you. I don't get how I'm suppose to get over someone I dont want to get over. I'm sure by now someone has told you about This new guy I'm suppose to be talking to. He just doesn't match any where near how happy you made me. God we went to doba and the whole time I'm just thinking about how you like the one sause that you kept stealing from chipotle and how it's your favorite food. I literally can't do anything without thinking about you. I'm trying to plan my senior week and I just think about you and your dorky friends walking around OC high. Idk why. And my mom wants to have a graduation party but I only think about how I couldn't work up the nerve to go to yours. And how it hurt you no one from the theater came and how close I was to going. I was outside your house. I got out of the car 3 times before my anxiety got to me and I drove off. It was so pathetic. I think girls that get so obsessive over guys are pathetic because I never understood why someone would think so much about a guy and why someone needed a guy to practically function. But watching you drive away the last time. I understood and damn did it hurt. It hurt even more when you got there and you were having a horrible time. You were so sad and alone and I know exactly how you felt. I've felt it for years I've gotten so immune to it that I just get numb emotions now. And Ik the best cure is being with someone. I wanted to be the someone that would pull you out of it that would make you feel better but I couldn't just drive 6 hours away as much as I wanted to. I imagined it so many times. Just standing outside and you being so confused when you see me that you at first didn't believe it till you were close enough to see me and it was so perfectly done in my head. I can't talk to micheal about this because the only thing he tells me is that he's on your side. Which killed me because I didn't know there were sides I wanted to be on the same side. And he just tells me how much I hurt you which made me want to crash the car because I only ever wanted to make you as happy as you made me. The first time you came home I was at work. And all day I just kept thinking "he comes home today idk when but he does" For all Ik he's home. Or he's not. I wondered if you would come in or not and when I heard our co worker scream I stopped breathing at first I couldn't move. I didn't know what to do. There was a lot of lobby between you and me a lot of awkward eye contact I didn't want to go through. I wanted to run to the car and leave as fast as I could because I wasn't prepared. And if you weren't standing between me and my keys there's a chance I would have. You were much calmer then me which made me upset idk why. I just don't know how to tell you everything to your face. Because if I look you in the eyes to long I'm going to try to kiss you again and then I'll just be sad because you know better then to kiss the person who hurt you like I did back. I just don't know what to do to get over you. I thought cutting all connections would work cause they usually do for minor crushes but it's only hurting me worse. And I didn't want to try and apologize to you and beg for a second chance because I knew that if for some miracle by the universe were to happen and you were to forgive me I would have to not only live with the guilt but feel the alone feeling again and I just can't do it. I've been hardly holding on. Forcing myself up every day, to be around people, to go to the gym, to not let the dark thoughts consume me like they used to is so hard. And in a way you're keeping me distracted from them. But at the same time it makes me feel so much worse because I'm constantly reminded of how I just stopped talking to you. I'm just so sorry I don't know how to make it better. I would do anything to be close with you again and at least talk to you. I want to know what is going on in your life I want to help when you're sad I just don't even know how to text you. There's so many things I don't even know how to say I just miss you