#i dont want to burden anybody tho so yea

[robotpussy]

um identity crisis rant ✌️✌️ putting it under a cut because um it's kind of unnecessary. also I'm deleting this soon.

ok so yea I'm not sure if I'm bisexual or a lesbian..... I've felt this way for years. I'm attracted to men when I make them up. or when I barely interact with them. and I know a lot of ppl have this experience and still wouldn't consider themselves lesbians. but lately I've really been.... dismissive of men. when my friend came over a few weeks ago she wanted to talk about boys and whatever and I was just like... I don't care about dating men????? like if I ever do have a boyfriend, they will literally be my butch... my stud... my transmasc (not trans man: trans masc doesn't always = trans man) lover, just anybody who wants me to call them my boyfriend. but not like. a man?

and every experience I've had with a man has been so underwhelming, or at least leaves me feeling anything but bliss. I'm bored, I'm annoyed, I'm angry, I'm sad, I don't feel good 😭😭😭 I also keep "crushing" on men who are unavailable for me. they're already in a relationship or they only date men. and the crushes aren't even crushes, it's limerence. it's obsession. it's "I can't eat or concentrate when you're not around" it's almost like I keep going for ppl (specifically talking abt ppl in relationships) because I know I can't have them but I need somebody to think about... like yea I know when someone is attractive but when it comes to men I don't even like the idea of dating. I just like thinking about how attractive they are? but I don't want to love you..... I don't want to spend my life with you. i just want to think about how I think you're attractive

when I've kissed women/girls in the past, and only kissed, I can't stop thinking about it. I'm always devastated when we have to stop. but in those moments they were euphoric, my chest is going to burst open and my heart will cry from happiness compared to when I've kissed men and I just want it to be over.

I know I shouldn't focus on my lack of desire for men but lately I feel like my attraction to men feels forced!!!!!!!!! it feels unnatural to me!!! when I think about men I feel like I'm doing something wrong. and I've already gotten the dreaded "you just haven't found the right man yet!!!" line when talking about this and maybe that is so! I don't know.

but lately when I call myself bisexual I feel like I'm lying to myself. but I'm not used to calling myself a lesbian yet because maybe I'm not one? I'm young. I have a long way to go when it comes to self discovery. I just wish I knew already. this feeling of not knowing what I am or who I am makes me feel sick (literally I felt so sick at work today my head hurt, my stomach hurt, my chest hurt and yes I did eat today! so I know it wasn't that!!) idk I'm overwhelmed by this now but I'm sure I'll find peace soon. I'm doing too much for someone who knows gender isn't real and doesn't even have one. whatever it's a Tuesday evening. there are other things to worry about like getting to the weekend 😑😑😑