#i either write tooth rotting fluff or heartwrenching angst when it comes to saeyoung

[natasha-in-space]

Cruel Miracle

Saeyoung/gn!reader;

'Be careful what you wish for' is a saying Saeyoung never thought much about, not before meeting you. Perhaps, that is because he never wished for anything but Saeran's happiness. Is he allowed to dream of more? Unfortunately, the universe has already decided that for him. (Canon school ver. Saeyoung/reader thingy I wrote, done from his own perspective!)

If Saeyoung was asked to point out the one thing that he first took notice of about you, it would be your eyes. Regardless of the way you may have behaved in front of those happily bustling about around you, regardless of the countless masks you've carefully put on and off day after day, your eyes perceived the world with nothing but gracefulness and gentle warmth swirling deep within your thoughtful gaze. A gaze that has pulled him into you from the very moment you looked up at him from your desk for the very first time. And he noticed it all as he stood there, being forced to make a painfully awkward introduction to the group of complete strangers by the sickeningly cheery professor pushing him onward, despite his numerous grumblings and protests.

It was stupid, naive, downright childish even. Something that just could not happen to someone like him in the reality his life had become from the moment he decided to part ways with Saeran. And yet... His stubborn heart refused to listen to the cold reason his mind has meticulously established to keep his fragile soul intact. And, only to add more fuel to the fire that was leading up to an inevitable disaster, he could feel you staring at him constantly.  

He hated how amusing he found it to catch you eyeing him and watching, as you would quickly turn your burning face away from him, pretending like it was nothing more than a mere coincidence on your part. Well, unbeknownst to you, you were a really bad liar. But... All about this was wrong from the very beginning. And try as he might, this heavy cloud of fear and paranoia would drift over him just as quickly as the first tiny rays of sunshine would sneak through the dense shadows enveloping all that his eyes could see.

This is not how life works for someone like him.

He cannot allow himself to form any close connections and thus put not only himself but the people he grows attached to in the process at mortal risk. He cannot allow himself to leave even a single noticeable trace to remember him by. He cannot allow himself... to simply exist in this daily life filled with nothing but small mundane troubles as normal people do. Because he is not normal, and he could never dream of having even a semblance of a normal life, to begin with.

He is a mere shadow, and that's all he can ever be. Dreaming of something more than that will only torment him. Truth is, you were from two completely different worlds. One made of nothing but cold and darkness, and one filled with warmth from the gentle light shining down from above. And he could not allow his ugly, ruthless world to taint yours bright and hopeful one. No, instead, he will push these stupid feelings of his as far away as humanely possible, shove them into the deepest corners of his mind, and simply watch you from afar for as long as he's allowed to do that. That much, he can live with.

At least, that is what he had initially planned on doing.

"I know you found it hard to adjust here Chilyoung... But I have the utmost confidence in your abilities and Y/N's open-mindedness to create a winning team between the two of you. I picked them out of everybody to be your partner for a good reason, you know." He could only bite onto his lower lip as the professor spoke, refusing to listen to any of his requests to just let him work on this godforsaken project by himself. The pen he was clutching in his hand was starting to tap rapidly at the surface of the desk, picking up the pace the longer he sat there.

"I don't need to participate in any team-building activities."

"Even if you are staying with us for only one year in an advanced program, that doesn't mean you have to isolate yourself from everyone." She didn't even look up at him from her stack of papers, only making him feel more irritated with her persistence to keep pushing through his demands to pull him out of this. This woman was too stubborn for her own good. "You are a very smart and capable boy. But, you can't achieve much by being a lone wolf all of your life. You need to put yourself out there and find a support system that is going to bring you up when you fall down. I simply believe that you and Y/N can become good friends if you just give them a chance."

"Shouldn't I have the freedom to decide that for myself, Ms. Brown?" He said through gritted teeth, fighting the urge to just get up and leave right then and there. "Just because I didn't make friends with anyone here, doesn't mean I don't have them outside of my studies."

It felt bitter, saying all of these empty statements as if anything he came up with on a whim was really true. Not only did he lack any friends or close acquaintances, but he also lacked the freedom to decide anything for himself. So, really, he was saying the complete opposite of the truth here.

How foul.

"Well, then I will be very happy for you." She smiled, finally raising her gaze to take a good look at him. Though, much to his disappointment, he saw no signs of her giving up any time soon. "But, this is still a group project by default. I already made an exception for you by allowing you to work in a pair rather than in a group. I won't allow you to work alone on this assignment."

Not much he could say or do to change these unfortunate circumstances. All he could do was do what he always did best.

Accept and adjust.

~~~

Saeyoung rested his chin on the palm of his hand as he watched you type, your eyes squinting adorably, all of your attention focused solely on the task at hand. A part of him felt guilty, seeing how hard you were trying to make this work despite his stubborn attempts to shut you out. No matter how distant or abrasive he became, you never got angry with him, never gave up, never left. God only knows why... Someone like you deserved so much better than this.

Still, you just kept on smiling at him, offering him snacks, asking about his interests, and trying to help him in whatever way you possibly could. He already told you that there was no real need for you to work on this project together. He could do it all alone, and you would never have to worry about getting a bad grade. Much to his disappointment, though, you adamantly refused to accept this convenient deal of his, insisting on working together and sharing your workload fairly between yourselves.

Just what were you thinking in that odd head of yours?

In truth, he was finished with his half of today's assignment about an hour ago. If he was to be thinking rationally, he should have left long ago by now, leaving you to finish up by yourself. Instead, however, he found himself simply observing you without saying a single word, his eyes carefully reading into every little move you made. Why were you so eager to work on this meaningless project with someone like him? It's not like it's so important for you to put all your blood sweat and tears into it. Some really stupid part of him hoped longingly, that it was because of him. Really, it was obvious to see that you were interested in him, be it as a mere friend or something more. He simply pretended like he didn't have a clue about your feelings.

What stung most of all, was the fact that his refusal to acknowledge it was as closest as he could ever get to accepting your affections. This was already much more than he could possibly allow. If he did confront you about it... It would be the end of your relationship altogether. He would have to leave and never turn back, for both of your sakes.

And, even if he'll have to do it eventually at the end of his program... He wanted to make the most of the little time he did have.

It was a bittersweet feeling at heart. Saeyoung could sense his thoughts wandering, those urges he usually ignored with relative success coming up on the front of his mind once again. He wanted to know how it would feel like to touch you. To put his hand on yours and watch your cheeks flush, just like they always did whenever he caught you staring at him. He wanted to make you smile and laugh until your eyes would start to water like your classmates had the privilege to do so. He wanted to know what makes you laugh the hardest and know that he's the one bringing you so much joy.

He wanted... to get closer to you. To know you. To be truthful with you. To open up to you.

But, such a miracle could never be brought into the cruel reality he lived in. No matter how innocent in nature his daydreams really were. The only way Saeyoung Choi could show his love for someone like you was by letting you go without hurting you. Without making you feel attached to him in any way.

So, then, why did his heart ache so much at the prospect of parting his ways with you...?

~~~

"-You're the one I like. That's... That's what I really wanted to talk to you about... I know you don't get along with anybody here, but I want to know more about you. And... I want you to know how much I care about you."

Oh, but the reality was always much crueler than he could ever imagine. It all felt like one big joke to him. He thought he had prepared himself for everything coming his way. He thought he was ready to let you go when the time came. He thought... He thought he could enjoy the time he did have with you without worrying about anything, for once in his life.

Was such a desire too selfish for him? Is this why the universe itself has decided to remind him of his proper place?

It... hurt. It hurt like hell.

Saeyoung has always felt grateful for every opportunity coming his way. He never took anything for granted and never regretted those decisions he knew in his heart were right. But, right now, in this very moment, as he heard you say those same words his naive heart longed for so firmly, he cursed this miracle with every fiber of his being.

For the very first time, he cursed his decision to throw his own right to exist in this world away. And, that realization hurt him almost just as much. Since, right after his initial burst of anger, came a crushing sense of shame, suffocating him from the inside. Shame for giving in to his personal desires and making you care for him so much. Shame for daring to look back on his decision to keep Saeran safe. Shame for being such a selfish human being to everyone he held dear in his heart.

It felt like his soul was being torn into pieces.

"You- No. No, you can't. This is... No."

He sounded angry, terrified, frustrated, heartbroken. Gone was the cold composure he has successfully kept up in front of everybody up to this day. Saeyoung could see the confusion, the hurt in your eyes, as you blinked at him at a complete loss for words. But, what hurt him most of all, was the genuine concern that was written so clearly on your gentle features. You still worried for him, and still reached out to him, just like you always did.

And, he had no choice but to throw it all away.

So, he ran. He ran from you, he ran from his own feelings and he ran from the cruel universe he had no choice but to oblige to.