#i freaking love pseudoscorpions

[kilroywasqueer]

apprehended a fuckin feller

[crevicedwelling]

taxonomic nightmare but may i request a chelicerate order ranking

sticking with extant ones, here.

Amblypygi - S

my little tree flatcrab spindle angels. maybe other arachnids have chemically interesting venom or are more colorful (amblys can do gray!! and sometimes brown) but amblys are really just suited to my tastes. long-living with both sexes having indeterminate growth, spiny, fast, nonvenomous, arboreal/scansorial, curiously social, and they just look great.

Alfonso says hi.

Thelyphonida & Schizomida — Uropygi? - A

great bugs for most of the reasons shared with above, being fairly closely related to amblys. vinegaroons are the tanks of the tetrapulmonates, built to burrow and clobber things with their freakishly muscular pedipalps. schizomids are very funny guys that deserve better. each group took “ain’t broke, don’t fix” even more literally than the amblypygi and truly all look identical; if you hid arachnologists’ microscopes there’d be a crisis.

Solifugae - A

fast, furious, fluffy: I love these little (and not-so-little) freaks. again, doing it all without venom, their crazy snipping chelicerae are some of my favorite insect anatomy. plus, they’re bizarrely diverse, from the mouth-on-legs of the rhagodids to the classic camel spider look and then there’s the hexisopodids that look like angry fur pillows.

Opiliones - A

there’s so much more to these than the ball-on-sticks (though that’s iconic!) that I used to think they all were. ornate armor and parental care (paternal, in some cases!) from the Laniatores, spindly guys abound, alien drone robots from Dyspnoi (Trogulus), and then whatever pudgy little Siro has got going on. possibly the most creative use of pedipalps, with funky lobster claws, bear trap spike-hell, “spoons?” (cosmetids), pinchy bits, glue traps, and spare leg all represented.

Araneae - B

sure. spiders are cool. everyone knows what a spider is. points for diversity, points for bizarre forms, yeah yeah. can we go home now? also, webs are cheating.

if it was only Liphistius, they’d get an A.

Ricinulei - ????

mysterious. elusive. built like a baked bean. what are they even doing? we don’t know. pay researchers more

Pseudoscorpiones - B

great bunch of little guys! phoresy is fun, and so are venomous crabby pedipalps. they have the best element of surprise—never know where you’ll find them next. in a book? under bark? in a beetle? lots of points for weird social lifestyles in certain species and associated chemical mimicry, plus all the wacky insular species and host specialists.

Scorpiones - C

they’re like pseudoscorpions, only less so. cute in a very dopey way. learning that a scorpion’s anus is at the tip of the tail ruined them for me forever.

Palpigradi - D

adorable but they’re not really doing anything let’s be honest. and I love them for that. you do you little eyeless guys I’m sure I’ll find you someday in the dirt

Acari/Parasitiformes - S

aha! I bet you thought I’d rank them poorly, but no, mites are the best arachnids (though not my personal favorites). if you disagree with that, it probably means you don’t know enough about them. mites can do anything and you are a fool if you doubt them.

yes, this includes ticks. ticks are cool and if you have an issue with this—sounds like a vertebrate problem

~~~~~under the water~~~~~

Xiphosura - C

overrated. great, and I love them, but just slightly overrated. stop stealing their blood pls

class Pycgnogonida - ????

Huh? What?

What? I don’t know. Maybe.