#i got the sudden inspiration and after 3 hours in a blind haze i stepped back and looked at it half finished and thought

[robinmage]

For if I'm going down I guess I'll take you with me Screaming birds sound an awful lot like singing And I will tell you now That I'm not even singing There's no escape for some Least of all for me

[the-vinedresser]

Hmm. Life. Literally this post is just sad so please don’t read if you don’t want to be sad. I just needed to dump emotions somewhere for my own sanity.

1. I’ve broken down the past couple days. But at least I’m getting emotions out.

2. The first night I felt like everyone was going to move on without me and be happy while I was still confused about how to be happy. Then I thought of the few times I’ve asked for help in times of need.

2a. The first one I remember was when I was alone in my room freshman year and was so stressed about turning in a paper. I walked next door and knocked and my friend hugged me, brought me to her bed and stroked my head and I knew everything was fine and I was completely overreacting.

2b. The next thought that came to mind was actually on New Years this year. I had this epiphany that in my drunk haze I was totally being comforted in the same way. My friend let me rest on him after one too many cigarettes and he also informed me that he removed throw up on me in the car. What did I do to deserve such lovely friends. I just remember being comforted because they kept saying, “It’s ok, Chung, you’re doing great. You’re fine.”

3. And then I realized the one thing those situations had in common was I made it apparent I wasn’t doing ok. I let myself be completely vulnerable, whether it was intentional or out of my control. That’s when it clicked — how are people supposed to know I need their help if I don’t tell them? I know it sounds like common sense, but I’ve been bottling up things for so long, I honestly really did forget what it’s like to open up to someone. Just without a filter and completely raw.

4. So I stopped myself from feeling bitter for expecting people to help me and somehow know what I’m going through, get my ass up, wake my mom up from her deep sleep, and cry next to her like I was a fetus back in the womb. LOL but no honestly sometimes you have to do that. It could be your mom, dad, sibling, dog, significant other, you just sometimes got to do it. It felt terrible because it didn’t feel real, but if also felt so good. Didn’t know I needed it so much.

5. But then I actually had a legit panic attack. I thought all this time I had panic attacks but nope those were not it. Losing feeling in your hands and feet, pounding headache, nausea, just losing touch of reality. But I was so exhausted and I wanted to sleep. So I slept through the nausea but kept waking up multiple times with a terrible dream that didn’t even make any sense and wanting to puke. But all I knew was that my body was not in it’s natural state and there was enough adrenaline to fight a bear. I had to keep telling myself none of this is real, it’s not real, it’s all in my head. Breathe. And then I eventually drifted into a sustainable sleep.

6. I woke up, tried to eat, watched Friends. It was really nice. Went out to sushi with the family. I was able to feel like myself again, even for just a little bit. I was starting to think that letting it out really was a huge step forward.

7. But later that night something triggered something. My brother just made a curt comment to me for being to loud and shutting the door on me and all of a sudden got really sulky and quiet. I was just like ok Megan you are being way to sensitive right now. Just go upstairs and figure your shit out. But then all of a sudden my sadness quickly turned into blinding anger. I wanted to punch something or break something. And I guess most of all, I was filled with this desire for other people to realize my anger too. So I went downstairs and brought down dishes and slammed them in the sink and stomped upstairs and slammed my door. Reminds me of seventh grade…

8. Eventually I just got louder and angrier and my mom came into my room to calm me down and I just talked about everything. Eventually I found out the reason why I was so angry was because I realized how upset I’ve been from past internship interviews with guys… basically sexually harassing me. Not looking at me or speaking to me in a way they would treat their own daughters. And I was just angry because my own brothers hate-talk strong women in movies and all these little things that made me explode. I know the only women they respect are ones that are rather and compliant and at the time, I didn’t see it as a matter of preference, I just jumped to misogyny.

9. But I just got angry because I was just angry with society for having women go through shitty things and then making them seem like they’re the crazy ones. Why do women get stuck with the depression and anxiety? Yes, partly hormonal, but there is no denying that social constructs play a role into it as well. And for that, I was just angered and saddened by the harsh reality ~*~that is life~*~ YAY

10. I calmed down more and realized that I like to over analyze things and that will lead to my downfall. Talking things out with someone really helps you filter through the crap in your head. But I also think an unanalyzed life is not worth living. Where else would I draw inspiration from?

11. I compartmentalize people when I meet them, just into two simple categories: bingo people and adventurers. And I know it’s pretty harsh, but honestly I love both sides equally. Bingo people are the people who dream about having kids and then having play dates with their friends’ kids and just living a very quaint, happy, life. Almost everyone I hang out with is in this category. And I’m secretly jealous of them. My entire family is like this. They find the simple joys in life. Versus the adventurers, who are rebellious, would travel the world alone, live on a boat for a little bit, maybe like horror movies, stuff like that. They’re just more individualistic and openminded I guess. I kind of miss hanging out with people like this. It makes me feel more inclusive. Lately I’ve been feeling pretty alone and like a freak because I don’t think the way most people do.

12. Like I watched a movie with my brothers last night and it was a horror film and I loved it. The symbolism and the underlying meanings and the composition of it was just so interesting to me, but my brothers were silent and honestly pretty psychologically scarred for a little bit and didn’t want to talk about it. They then switched to a corny adventure comedy. One of the genres I hate the most. But I know that my brothers’ reaction is the majority in just like a random pool of people so I felt like a bit of a freak for laughing at gore and people dying in unspeakable ways. It’s great.

13. But my mom and I did face masks and just talked until 3am and she slept in my bed and it was nice.

14. It’s weird though because this morning I woke up the most depressed I’ve ever been. I just felt like a crazy person because although I know there are tons of people out there who have depression and have experienced a million times worse than I do, they always know how to put on a good act in public, so I never know until they tell me. I can’t do that so I was just a zombie who refused to eat, couldn’t really talk or laugh at jokes and went up to her room to cry.

15. “Megan, what’s wrong?” “I don’t know, I’m just sad.” “Ok, get up. We’re going to the mall right now.” So we went but as you may predict, it did not end up well. I need to listen to my body more. Insane fatigue ensued, even after sleeping 8 hours. Just a ball of anxiety. Couldn’t talk or eat or drink it was terrible. Everything moves so slowly and you just look at people more and wonder how they’re feeling.

16. We got home, ate pizza, painted our nails, and watched a movie and SNL re-runs. I’m glad we were able to laugh and spend time with each other.

17. Ugh I’m so negative but I have to say the worst part about all of this is seeing anxiety and sadness spread to the people you spend time with because you can’t control how you’re feeling. That’s the worst part of it all.

18. I thought I was doing ok but my mom slept and I was alone with thoughts and all that unpleasant stuff so I messaged my friend. It helps. She told me that almost everyone has depression and anxiety at some point and productivity is the best way to manage it. This sucks and I feel bad for people who have been through this for a majority of their lives. I have zero fight in me right now but I know it’s going to come back. It’ll just take a little bit.

[the-vinedresser]

Hmm. Life. Literally this post is just sad so please don’t read if you don’t want to be sad. I just needed to dump emotions somewhere for my own sanity. 1. I’ve broken down the past couple days. But at least I’m getting emotions out. 2. The first night I felt like everyone was going to move on without me and be happy while I was still confused about how to be happy. Then I thought of the few times I’ve asked for help in times of need. 2a. The first one I remember was when I was alone in my room freshman year and was so stressed about turning in a paper. I walked next door and knocked and my friend hugged me, brought me to her bed and stroked my head and I knew everything was fine and I was completely overreacting. 2b. The next thought that came to mind was actually on New Years this year. I had this epiphany that in my drunk haze I was totally being comforted in the same way. My friend let me rest on him after one too many cigarettes and he also informed me that he removed throw up on me in the car. What did I do to deserve such lovely friends. I just remember being comforted because they kept saying, “It’s ok, Chung, you’re doing great. You’re fine.” 3. And then I realized the one thing those situations had in common was I made it apparent I wasn’t doing ok. I let myself be completely vulnerable, whether it was intentional or out of my control. That’s when it clicked — how are people supposed to know I need their help if I don’t tell them? I know it sounds like common sense, but I’ve been bottling up things for so long, I honestly really did forget what it’s like to open up to someone. Just without a filter and completely raw. 4. So I stopped myself from feeling bitter for expecting people to help me and somehow know what I’m going through, get my ass up, wake my mom up from her deep sleep, and cry next to her like I was a fetus back in the womb. LOL but no honestly sometimes you have to do that. It could be your mom, dad, sibling, dog, significant other, you just sometimes got to do it. It felt terrible because it didn’t feel real, but if also felt so good. Didn’t know I needed it so much. 5. But then I actually had a legit panic attack. I thought all this time I had panic attacks but nope those were not it. Loosing feeling in your hands and feet, pounding headache, nausea, just loosing touch of reality. But I was so exhausted and I wanted to sleep. So I slept through the nausea but kept waking up multiple times with a terrible dream that didn’t even make any sense and wanting to puke. But all I knew was that my body was not in it’s natural state and there was enough adrenaline to fight a bear. I had to keep telling myself none of this is real, it’s not real, it’s all in my head. Breathe. And then I eventually drifted into a sustainable sleep. 6. I woke up, tried to eat, watched Friends. It was really nice. Went out to sushi with the family. I was able to feel like myself again, even for just a little bit. I was starting to think that letting it out really was a huge step forward. 7. But later that night something triggered something. My brother just made a curt comment to me for being to loud and shutting the door on me and all of a sudden got really sulky and quiet. I was just like ok Megan you are being way to sensitive right now. Just go upstairs and figure your shit out. But then all of a sudden my sadness quickly turned into blinding anger. I wanted to punch something or break something. And I guess most of all, I was filled with this desire for other people to realize my anger too. So I went downstairs and brought down dishes and slammed them in the sink and stomped upstairs and slammed my door. Reminds me of seventh grade... 8. Eventually I just got louder and angrier and my mom came into my room to calm me down and I just talked about everything. Eventually I found out the reason why I was so angry was because I realized how upset I’ve been from past internship interviews with guys... basically sexually harassing me. Not looking at me or speaking to me in a way they would treat their own daughters. And I was just angry because my own brothers hate-talk strong women in movies and all these little things that made me explode. I know the only women they respect are ones that are rather and compliant and at the time, I didn’t see it as a matter of preference, I just jumped to misogyny. 9. But I just got angry because I was just angry with society for having women go through shitty things and then making them seem like they’re the crazy ones. Why do women get stuck with the depression and anxiety? Yes, partly hormonal, but there is no denying that social constructs play a role into it as well. And for that, I was just angered and saddened by the harsh reality ~*~that is life~*~ YAY 10. I calmed down more and realized that I like to over analyze things and that will lead to my downfall. Talking things out with someone really helps you filter through the crap in your head. But I also think an unanalyzed life is not worth living. Where else would I draw inspiration from? 11. I compartmentalize people when I meet them, just into two simple categories: bingo people and adventurers. And I know it’s pretty harsh, but honestly I love both sides equally. Bingo people are the people who dream about having kids and then having play dates with their friends’ kids and just living a very quaint, happy, life. Almost everyone I hang out with is in this category. And I’m secretly jealous of them. My entire family is like this. They find the simple joys in life. Versus the adventurers, who are rebellious, would travel the world alone, live on a boat for a little bit, maybe like horror movies, stuff like that. They’re just more individualistic and openminded I guess. I kind of miss hanging out with people like this. It makes me feel more inclusive. Lately I’ve been feeling pretty alone and like a freak because I don’t think the way most people do. 12. Like I watched a movie with my brothers last night and it was a horror film and I loved it. The symbolism and the underlying meanings and the composition of it was just so interesting to me, but my brothers were silent and honestly pretty psychologically scarred for a little bit and didn’t want to talk about it. They then switched to a corny adventure comedy. One of the genres I hate the most. But I know that my brothers’ reaction is the majority in just like a random pool of people so I felt like a bit of a freak for laughing at gore and people dying in unspeakable ways. It’s great. 13. But my mom and I did face masks and just talked until 3am and she slept in my bed and it was nice. 14. It’s weird though because this morning I woke up the most depressed I’ve ever been. I just felt like a crazy person because although I know there are tons of people out there who have depression and have experienced a million times worse than I do, they always know how to put on a good act in public, so I never know until they tell me. I can’t do that so I was just a zombie who refused to eat, couldn’t really talk or laugh at jokes and went up to her room to cry. 15. “Megan, what’s wrong?” “I don’t know, I’m just sad.” “Ok, get up. We’re going to the mall right now.” So we went but as you may predict, it did not end up well. I need to listen to my body more. Insane fatigue ensued, even after sleeping 8 hours. Just a ball of anxiety. Couldn’t talk or eat or drink it was terrible. Everything moves so slowly and you just look at people more and wonder how they’re feeling. 16. We got home, ate pizza, painted our nails, and watched a movie and SNL re-runs. I’m glad we were able to laugh and spend time with each other. 17. Ugh I’m so negative but I have to say the worst part about all of this is seeing anxiety and sadness spread to the people you spend time with because you can’t control how you’re feeling. That’s the worst part of it all. 18. I thought I was doing ok but my mom slept and I was alone with thoughts and all that unpleasant stuff so I messaged my friend. It helps. She told me that almost everyone has depression and anxiety at some point and productivity is the best way to manage it. This sucks and I feel bad for people who have been through this for a majority of their lives. I have zero fight in me right now but I know it’s going to come back. It’ll just take a little bit.