#i have been putting DR stuff on a private sideblog for a LONG time

[dangan-brainrot]

I'm getting this shit set up please hold

[beetleboo]

long post. one i’ve been trying to make for a while now. hell, i wrote this like... third week of may. didn’t post it until now because i didn’t know if I wanted to.

but something i want to lay out, been wanting to lay out for months. dont want to talk to anyone about it, just want to put the info out there for it to be seen.

if you re/blog this i will block you. i may put this on the relevant sideblog at some point.

because 2020 was the worst year on record for me for a number of reasons, and it’s torn me down to the lowest point i’ve been in a long time, and this is just. everything that’s gone down. not a callout post, no one gets named, but these are all the events

partially in relation to my fandom sideblog, because that’s where i had community, and where it’s all just. gone. doesnt exist anymore.

i started up a server, ages ago now. somewhere i curated to be a positive and safe space for things, and for a while, it was that.

around the end of 2019, spilling over to the start of 2020 when it picked up, i found, both on my blog and in discord spaces, in particular the server i ran, that people no longer talked to me. no one would hold a conversation with me past a few basic responses, no one replied to anything i shared, no one engaged when i tried to start discussions. so i pulled back from the main server - S1. thought it was just a lull in activity. stayed that way for weeks, months, and I just muted the server. no one ever cared about anything i had to say. was lucky if anything i posted got even a token emoji react

was in another, smaller server - S2. people i talked to damn near every day, even in voice. played games together - that became... no fun simply because everyone else was so much better/further ahead in the game. i was completely useless, so didn’t server a function in game and never really felt like anyone actively wanted me around, but i still participated in chat.

but again, no one ever responded to anything I posted beyond maybe a token react

couple people discussing something one day. I contributed with Theory A, and quite immediately got that shut down. few minutes later, they rephrased exactly what I said and happily nattered away. so whatever I said wasn’t worth it when it came out of my mouth but if they talked about it, it was all well and valid. so again, between that specific experience and no one interacting with me, nor anything I post. server muted. treatment taught me no one cared about my presence there.

gave admin rights to S1, my server, to someone I trusted. two requests only: dont delete channels and let me know if you want to invite anyone (since I kept it private)

RYE (i’m just assigning random three letter names to people to keep this straight) posted public invites several times. never asked me. one of the two things i asked. brought it up with them that it bothered me, just got vague noncomittal responses. more public invites. eventually, after having the server muted for months, i handed over full control and left. that was almost a full year ago. none of the people have talked to me in that entire year, through discord or here or anything.

except RYE who sent me a message after a couple months like ‘wow i havent heard from you in a while hope you’re doing ok’. i wasn’t. after a bit but still the same day, i said as much. that i wasn’t doing well. they never responded. and i don’t mean like, they didn’t respond that day. i mean i literally never heard from them until months later when they sent me a meme and also didn’t respond to me commenting on that meme.

and this is one side of things. all of the above was the first half of the year. this next bit happened about. march2020? I was in another server - S3. another place that was a good space at the time. was in voice chat with two other people. started talking about one thing. MIN very suddenly said something along the lines of ‘i don’t care about this i’ll come back when you’re done’

this is one of the very few things that can trigger me - i’ve had a lot of people talk down to me if I dare look excited about anything. when they came back, i asked if they could try to just. depart conversations more softly. MIN always said ‘if i do anything hurtful to you just tell me! i dont want to do that kind of thing!’

this was clearly a lie as they exploded on me, telling me they always have to walk on eggshells around me, that I ask so many things from them. before what I asked them that day, I can only recall one other thing i asked (which was not to talk about a person who was abusive towards me, and they were like ‘yea sure np’ about that, over a year prior’)

the whole thing turned into basically me having to shut down the fact that i was hurt by what they did, had to ignore that now and i had to fawn and placate them and the only thing i got out of that was that my feelings were irrelevant, only theirs.

(incidentally, I have had two other people turn on me in similar ways, accusing me of doing shifty/bad/terrible things, and not being willing to tell me what they are when I ask, only saying that ‘i should know what i did’ so that’s also now a Fun New Bit Of Trauma.)

and that entire weeklong event lead me straight to a breakdown. literal genuine breakdown i cannot convey how devastating that entire scenario was without going into far too many details.

so between all of these things happening in less than six months, with three different community spaces folding and collapsing and fading away from me, with many of the friends i thought i had just. moving on to other things and dropping me. people i talked to every day just not bothering with me anymore. they all have gone on to other stuff and no one ever went ‘hey beets wanna see what i’m up to’ or ‘wanna do this thing with me’

a handful of instances of me saying ‘yeah i’m dealing with these fears that have been reinforced lately that people aren’t safe to deal with, even thought part of me knows they’re probably irrational it feels like i have evidence to back it up’ and people immediately take it personally like i’m saying they’re not safe. despite. me outright saying. i know logically it should be irrational. but their reactions just reinforce it so it’s just a loop and tells me, again, never to bring up any of my problems with anyone.

so this all just reinforces that there’s something wrong with me. couple years back i spoke to a friend and how i was frustrated that I seemed to end up in bad spaces and they said ‘well you’re the one thing in common so its probably your fault’ and obviously they’re not my friend anymore but that has affected me so deeply. i can’t do anything without overthinking, whenever anything goes wrong i tear apart everything i’ve done and everything i’ve said or thought and i don’t know why things keep going bad. i try so hard but i’m just. not right.

so it all teaches me that there’s no point in reaching out in trying to talk to people because if i say ‘hey this hurt me’ i get ignored at best or torn down, yelled at, scolded. no point in trying to talk to new people because everyone just walks away at some point. not even a natural drift apart, i can handle that. but just very suddenly, they’re gone, off with better people doing better things.

roundabout, ties back to ‘consumption versus community’ - this is why i’ve been struggling so hard with lack of engagement on my sideblog. lucky to get a dozen notes on anything i make, unless it’s something other people can use (like mods) and even THEN it’s rare to see much activity. and that was FINE because i had people to talk to elsewhere, who would ask questions and we could back and forth and i shared my stuff and they shared those and it didnt matter if my posts only got a dozen notes because i had friends to talk to.

now i get (example) seven notes, six of which are likes and one is a reblog with no commentary. when i have something with a ton of notes, still, minimal commentary, no one talks to me. even on a mod with five hundred notes it just feels like i went ‘hey i made something :)’ and everyone picked it up and walked away with it, no one went ‘hey this is cool i want to talk to the person who made it.’

and it just feels like 95% of the time, i’m just overlooked. 

and it’s worse than it’s ever been in my entire life, and I wonder, what’s the point of any of this anymore.

why bother to make the posts to share when it all just gets passed by. what’s the point in trying to reach out to new people and make friends when i get lashed out at or left behind? the social is gone out of my social media. i had community, and now it’s gone.

so this has all been going on for months and months and months and hey! suffering. and i dont expect it to get any better, don’t expect this post to fix these issues, but i’ve been trying to say something about all of this for fucking months and i think just, laying it all out is all I can do about it. i’m sure i’ve forgotten some things to touch on but as it is, all these events, all of it happening all together. new traumas, old traumas reawoken, reinforced, i’ve been torn to pieces i don’t know how to function, i can’t remember the last time i felt like even half a real person. taught that the safe, positive spaces that meant so much to me don’t actually exist and they’ll all turn on me and be torn away. nowhere is safe anymore, and trying to make it safe is just going to ruin me again.

people aren’t safe, places aren’t safe, been proven to me time and time again so i just. stay away.

no matter how much i try to fight that, it just doesnt work.

anyway tl;dr beets needs therapy probably

[falselyprofound]

Got tagged by @psuedonom​ in yet another one of these things! This one’s pretty long and thorough, so I’ll put it under the cut.

Rules: To quote Pseu: “Answer 30 questions and tag 10 people–im not sure if they’re these specific questions, but i’m using the ones from the person whom last reblogged”

# following: 702 # of followers: 415 Average hours of sleep: About ten, although it never feels like enough. Lucky number: 9, and not because of a certain visual novel. Instruments: I used to play Alto and Soprano sax. It’s been a while. What are you wearing: grey shorts, floral-print shirt Dream job: Independent comic writer and/or game developer! Dream trip: I dunno, but it usually involves hanging out with my American and Canadian friends. Significant other: Don't have one, don't feel like I need one. Birthday: September 12. Height: Short. Gender/pronouns: Female (she/her). Other blogs: Christ, okay, here we go;

falsely-games: My gamedev blog, in theory.

courtenayjane: My original art blog, in theory.

falselypsychic: My MP100 manga spoiler sideblog.

alarmingbread: My D&D sideblog - mostly for The Curse of Ath Adon stuff.

video-nine: A RP blog for my OCs, that I don't get a lot of use out of because I’m nervous as hell. (But hey feel free to say hi.)

wickerblogging: My ask/rp blog for Wickerbottom, that I don't update nearly enough. (But I still take questions on it when I get them)

clairvoyantcongratulations, rancorousnerd, hookerhagakure, lafcadioboone, mediumwelldone, badbitchbeauregard, dalboz: Hoarded URLs, used for nothing in particular.

televisiondivision: RP blog for Persona Cataclysm-verse Clarissa Dunst, currently inactive (since the group is being restructured).

monstersandmotels: RP blog for Phantom Lakes-verse Ingrid Zheng, currently active.

epicmafiafalsely: My old DR mafia blog, currently password locked because it’s fucking embarrasing.

...And an assortment of other blogs that I’ve only got two or three posts on.

Nicknames: CJ, Ceej, Falsely, and in some obscure Neopets circles 'Muffin'. Star sign: I'm a Virgo. Time: It's about 9pm. Favorite bands: Mystery Skulls, Lemon Demon, Streetlight Manifesto... I’m really more of a soundtrack person than a band person. Favorite artist: I have... no idea. Favorite tumblr artist: Friends and mutuals aside, I'd say tgweaver? Just... if you're gonna check out their blog, be warned that they draw a lot of porn inbetween their story stuff. Song stuck in your head: Don't have any right now, but I'm currently listening to Parov Stelar - Catgroove. Last movie you watched: Wallace & Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit. Last show you watched: Probably an episode of Spicks & Specks. Why did you make your blog: Kyra (ludicrousmages) was super deep in the tumblr askblog community back in 2011, and encouraged me to make a personal so I could hang out with her and her friends. So I did. And then I never left. What do you post: Reblogs of fanart, my opinions and recommendations of obscure games, my art, text posts about my adventures in game development, and short story snippets about my OCs. Also, a lot of these tag things! Last thing you googled: “get out of jail free binding of isaac” AO3: You can pry that info from my cold, dead hands. (Or you can ask privately.) Do you ever get asks: Yeah, but they're usually from H, Madison or Brad! How did you get the idea for your url: I had a passionate hatred for my high school literature teacher, and it never really went away. Favorite food: Hot chips! Last book you read: The Dungeon Master's Handbook for D&D (5e) Top 3 fictional universes: All right, just going off the top of my head...

Zork: I grew up with Grand Inquisitor, and used to think it had some of the most beautiful environments I'd ever seen as a game. CGI has moved on since then, but it remains one of my favorite universes if only because of the sheer level of nonsense it operates on. Time travel, spells that turn purple things invisible, an afterlife shuttle courtesy phone...

Kingdom of Loathing/West of Loathing: Once again, fuelled by nonsense and obscure pop culture references. Loathing can also have some remarkably interesting lore when the developers feel like getting serious, and any character who isn't just a one-off enemy is usually pretty interesting.

Gravity Falls: Weird, wonderful, terrifying, full of mystery and yet strangely comforting.

Team Fortress 2: Okay, I know I'm adding in a fourth here, but holy shit I just remembered Soldier is a defense attorney and his roommate is a wizard who periodically gets in trouble with the mafia and has to get everyone to fistfight each other so he can pay off his debt with blood. That is a sentence.

Normally this is the point where I'd tag people, but a) I'm notoriously bad at doing that and b) Pseu kinda tagged a good chunk of my mutuals. So uuuuhhhhhh... hey @sirmat​ and @argentumsun​  - you dig these things, right