#i highly recommend you follow them all *hugs all the duplicates*

[stevedonnellyfaith-blog]

Pamela Bear (Post 23) 2-12-14

                        For the last nine years I have bought presents for three important ladies in my life on Valentine’s Day.  I have always remembered that my grandfather continued to send birthday presents to my mother throughout his lifetime.  He just did stuff like that without explanation as part of his code of New Hampshire manliness that I attempt to emulate but will surely never duplicate.  He was one of a kind.

Understandably Valentine’s Day shopping was quite difficult last year.  I ended up buying the usual assorted candy for Natalie and Abby and a stuffed bear that smelled like chocolate for Pam, who was beyond eating by that point.  It seemed like the best I could do.  The bear sat in Pam’s bed with her for her few remaining days but I doubt she noticed that the pink stuffed creature smelled like her favorite snack.  It seemed like one of those presents you just buy without a lot of deliberation because you know that nothing will do, but to buy nothing is unacceptable as well.

Strangely, after Pam’s passing Natalie adopted the pink cuddly creature, named it Pamela Bear and has slept hugging the chocolate smelling friend ever since.  Natalie has quite a few stuffed animals.  She has named each of them but few of them leave her cuddly stockpile.  She remembers their names and occasionally plays with several, but at bed time, Pamela Bear best be available.  My exasperated Walgreens purchase that I thought would get an express trip to a Goodwill donation center turned out to be treasured by a person for which it was not even intended.

I guess Christian life is like that for me.  Mother Theresa used to say that we are called to be faithful not to be successful.  To me this quote used to seem slightly depressing. It sounded as if Mother Theresa was encouraging us to go through the motions and to take actions that have little or no chance of success because grand gestures are somehow more pleasing to God than effective measures.  My understanding of what Mother Theresa was saying is different now.  I believe that we should try to take effective action whenever we are able, but we must act out our Christian faith authentically regardless and let God use our actions to enable the success that we are not able to foresee, understand or often to even detect.

I guess that is why love is an action for Christians not a feeling.  In some cases the feeling will follow the action, but as often it will not. The love is in the action regardless of the feeling and regardless of the perceived success of the action.  For many years I struggled with the paradoxical idea of loving my enemies.  Surely if I was able to “feel” love for them, they would not be enemies at all.  My difficulty unraveled when I began to pray for them by name daily.  This can take a while for a 49 year old Irishman but it is worth blocking out fifteen minutes to an hour of daily enemy reconciliation time.

When I learned to take this action of prayer and forget my feelings, it became possible for me to treat people I disliked with respect.  It is hard to generate ill-will towards someone for whom you are praying. In his talk at IHM, Father Hempsh pointed out that divorce becomes nearly impossible for couples who pray together.  If you don’t pray with your spouse, praying for your spouse is highly recommended.

Anyway, although the goal of my enemy praying was to more fully live my Christian values, the accidental result of my effort was that I improved my performance at work.  Even with regard to old enemies that I no longer have contact with my action resulted in a change in my feelings toward them.  Anger and annoyance slowly morphed into empathy, pity and forgiveness.

Forgiving is one of the most powerful actions of love we can take.  I am thankful that Pam showed her love for me by forgiving me seventy times seven times my serial selfish offences throughout our marriage.  Because I misunderstood the nature of love for many years, I surely missed many opportunities to love Pam through loving action.  A charitable soul, she would argue that I made up for them in the last couple years. Still I remain accountable for every missed opportunity because each poor decision I made denied God the opportunity to release grace into the world through me.

On Valentine’s Day, I encourage you to take some time to discern where you could do a better job in serving those that you love as Christ has demonstrated to us.  In cases where you are estranged to others, consider reaching out in forgiveness with an unexpected Valentine card.  I watched a card once turn several years of animosity into a strong friendship.  Allow St Valentine to work through you and let Christ reward you with abundant grace.