#i hope this isn't too off beat for niko but i didn't know if he'd teeter on staying or going or would have even stayed as long as he did

[mercyxkilling]

i wrote a drabble for @emptyvictory because i had mentioned that i’ve never really wanted to introduce the most important ‘npcs’ in mercy’s life to a whole lot of people, but niko is very much the exception. (i’d happily let others meet them, too, of course, but only once i feel that the relationships mercy has would lead there, and only if the circumstances were just so.) i have another that i still want to do, but this one took a few hours of non-stop writing, so i may... wait for it, unless it haunts me so much that i have to get it out sooner. idk if anyone else would have an interest in this, or in seeing how mercy behaves with her family and how unafraid she is to be a nerd and vulnerable and human, rather than what she always tries to act like otherwise, but it’s here, under the cut if you’d like. i also don’t know if it’ll read as well as i want it to, or if you’ll enjoy it as much as i hope that you do, and i hope that you don’t mind how rambley i can get or the length... and i hope it’s not disjointed and hard to follow or understand why i went into this fact or that, it was all just... out of me before i knew it. i should edit it, but i also want to share what it looks like now in its rawest form, when the emotions were all there and ready to go to spur me into this. not sure if that makes sense, but. i’m doin’ it. i wanted to do something more wholesome and fun and sweet but not without a touch of sad because that’s just the way it works, yo. that’s the life. anyway i’m just all words because i’m finally feeling better and i’m finding more excitement and muse and i’m a;lskdfj okay i’ll stop here IT ACTUALLY IS NOW I HOPE YOU LIKE IT MERRY CHRYSTLER

mercy had always been good with kids. maybe it was because she was, essentially, just a big kid herself. and after finding out she couldn’t have her own, she would often be heard saying that sometimes… she just had to be one herself. it was why she got along so well with her brother’s children, why many would ask her to babysit their own kids, or why sometimes the men in her crew or their girlfriends or wives would come to her and ask her for advice. it wasn’t a thing that she minded so much, though there was something there that occasionally left a heaviness in her chest, or a tightness, too, that at times could feel as if someone had a vice-like grip around her throat. it was a constant reminder of what she wanted but could never have, just one more thing that had been ripped away from her before ever having the opportunity to say yes or no to, the chance to have a family, to be normal. at the time she’d discovered this mercy had lacked the emotional maturity to look at her options, to understand that she could have still had a normal life, could still marry and eventually adopt, but she had been too angry and felt that it had all been so unfair that she didn’t take the time to consider anything of the sort. instead, like always, she let that negativity fester and spread, her rage like a disease for which there was no cure. she had thought back then… why try when every time she had, each thing she would ever want would be taken away from her? what was the point of trying to have the things she wanted if they weren’t attainable from the start? always there would be something. something that would take it all away from her, either before she had it or before she could even start to work her way towards obtaining it. 

her mother had never loved her. she’d taught mercy that instead of being able to look to those you trusted the most, the ones that were supposed to care about you and love you unconditionally, the ones that were supposed to protect you could not be counted on. her brother had taught her essentially the same. their combined disdain for her made her realize a long time ago that she couldn’t rely on anyone but herself and that she’d have to learn to do that quickly, or she wasn’t going to be able to survive.

her father… well. he was gone. and she’d spent years being angry at him for leaving her alone with them, even though she knew that it wasn’t his fault. but grief did funny things to people, especially when you were young and didn’t understand how life worked. not completely, anyway. he’d been her only support, the only one that made her think that she could be capable of doing anything good. he taught her all that he could, tried to keep her on a path that would take her to better places than the neighborhood she’d grown up in, away from the crime and violence and death. away from the drugs or the women who sold their bodies. he taught her that, while he didn’t want that life for her, that she also shouldn’t look down on them either. some of them didn’t have the choice to do anything else. in their neighborhood, the options were limited. he was a cop. he knew how the system worked. he had known who the city took care of and where the patrols went, where the calls came from, and the treatment the people from each borough got. some of those people didn’t have the education to get themselves out and had to feed their families one way or another, no matter how the law was concerned. mercy knew that he wanted to help them but couldn’t do anything other than react. back then, he’d inspired her to try and change things for everyone for the better. to learn the law, to learn how to fight for those people, and to make the changes they needed so her father could be proud, proud that she could do the things that he had tried so hard to change but couldn’t.

but it had been hard to stay motivated to live a different life when all mercy saw every day and was surrounded by were men and boys that told different stories. they were all successful but never seemed to work. and her mother encouraged her that she didn’t have to work so hard for anything when she was as pretty as she was. why bother? there were other ways to do things for people that could still help them. she could make her money, she could earn, and funnel that back into the neighborhood without having to put so much work into going to school and fighting that fight. mercy wished that she’d understood what it was her mother was doing back then and how she was trying to influence her, but she’d been so young, and all she’d known was that her mother was finally taking notice of her.

she’d still went to school, though. mercy just wanted to learn. she liked it. and she needed to know things if she were going to operate efficiently in her life. she needed to know the streets, but also how things worked outside of where she grew up, if she were going to make some kind of mark on the world.

it had all been so confusing, though. her mother still beat her, still seemed to hate her, never gave her enough to eat or supported her, and always favored her brother. but she would, on occasion, show an interest when it meant she could utilize her daughter’s skills in some way. mercy’s quick hands, her lithe frame, her skill at charming others or negotiating, her indomitable will… they were all things that marie had found useful in some way, or just enough that she’d ask mercy to do things for her or some of her many ‘uncles’ or ‘cousins.’ bring this bag here, take this message there, go get that for me, don’t leave without a ‘yes.’ she’d follow orders without question, hoping for love and acceptance, only to be asked to do something else. it was a vicious cycle and a pattern that just would never seem to be broken. when mercy was old enough to finally see it, and grow tired of it, she became defiant.

it was then that she saw just how terrible the wrath of her mother could be, and why she no longer spent any time at home. if mercy did, it was to sleep long enough for a bit of rest and she would sneak out before morning, before marie was up for the day. by then her father was always gone. the city was always in need of the police, organized crime rampant with each family digging their fingers into something and always there were arrests to be made. because her dad was just a patrolman, he worked the streets for petty crimes, constantly pulled to all parts of the city, while his fellow officers were asked to do the more important jobs. because of his marriage to marie, he’d never been given the chance to move up. corrupt cops weren’t new, and some of them were even barring his way from making rank, while the legitimate ones were afraid of what his connections could do to their agency. while he hated that he wasn’t doing more to help, it gave mercy a sense of relief to know he wouldn’t be out there in the thick of it, risking his life like the way his friends were. but again, as always, there were other forces at work, and again, what she wanted, cared for, or loved would always be torn out of her grasp before she could ever truly find a way to appreciate it or know how much anything mattered until it was gone.

her father had been killed. and she was angry. she was angry at him for leaving, angry that their last conversation had ended in an argument, hated herself for her last words being ‘you know what? fuck you, dad.’ the one person that loved her, took an interest in what she liked or supported her in her endeavors on pursuing those passions, the one person that did protect and love her despite all the horrible things she was getting involved in… was gone. and she couldn’t do anything. she didn’t know where to start looking or who to go to. she lost herself in her grief and her rage, and spiraled into very dark times. she wasn’t any good to anyone back then, least of all herself.

it took time to rebuild herself. mercy knew that she hadn’t done a very good job of it, either. she was barely functioning but always doing something, trying to earn, trying to establish herself, trying to keep moving so she didn’t have to think about anything other than what she wanted. she wanted influence, enough to find answers. she wanted wealth, enough to entice others to work with her. she wanted to make her life better and than the shithole that she crawled out of, and if anyone tried to get in the way of that she’d crush them beneath her heel. her methods weren’t the best, and she knew she wasn’t doing this the right way, not the way that would make her father proud, or in a way that would bring the change she wanted back to those she once thought to help, but the further she went along the path, the harder it was to remember a lot of her reasoning. not much else mattered to her.

perhaps that was why, when all four of her nieces and nephews had come to stay for a few days during their break from school, it seemed so shocking to watch mercy’s hardened exterior melt and morph into something much softer. she was an entirely different person, someone that almost seemed… normal. a normal ‘cool aunt’ that built pillow forts or made janky microwave s’mores and played video games with all of them. she listened to each of them when they would talk, though haruka and minato were more focused on their phones most of their time there. but they were older than junko and keiji, moving on and growing up, interests shifting to other things. it broke mercy’s heart to know that she’d not been there enough to see them grow or watch that transition from child into teen, but they were still there, and they still wanted to be there. all of them told her as such. that she listened to them and that she made them happy or feel special, perhaps in ways that their own father did not. it hurt to know that mercy’s brother wasn’t present enough for them, and was appalled to hear of some of the things he would do or say, or the things he wasn’t doing, to keep his children happy. it only motivated her to be the influence that they needed, or the source of joy that they couldn’t seem to find back in their own home. himiko, mercy’s sister-in-law, was a good woman, but she had no backbone. she didn’t stand up to jimmy and his bullshit, and while she loved all of her kids, she wasn’t giving them the aid they needed.

mercy had to step in. but there were actions to take, laws to follow, paperwork needed to be filled out. it was going to be a process. and at that current point in her life, mercy knew that staying with her wasn’t safe enough for them, either. it brought her a new kind of pain, but one that was also a little familiar. it was the feeling that, try as she might, and no matter how badly she might have wanted something, she just wasn’t enough. something had to change, and it had to happen fast. these kids needed her. but she wasn’t even sure how to start.

lost. she was lost. again.

but she would hide that, and hide it well, until she could address it properly. right now they needed her to be what she had always been. someone to make them feel loved and cherished.

it was a little weird, though, that niko was there while she was doing it. he was free to come and go as he pleased, and she would always offer that to him, but mercy didn’t know if she was ready to show him every side of her or introduce him to every aspect of her life. it would be a danger to them both, and to all of the children, and it might have been too much too soon. she knew she loved him. she knew she wanted him around and that she was happier when he was there. but was he ready to know all of this? did he want to? kids were difficult to deal with, even the best-behaved ones. having four of them to entertain all at the same time was an affair, to put it mildly.

the fact that he hadn’t just left seemed to tell her that he was at least trying to know more about her, but she didn’t know how to read him. he looked as lost as she felt, but also awkward and unsure. before she could make her way over to him and whisper in his ear a reminder that he didn’t have to stay, junko had snuck her way over to him and slapped a paper on the coffee table in front of him. she and keiji had been finger painting with mercy’s help and it appeared the little girl had taken enough of a shine to him that she’d made something she wanted him to have.

“for you, uncle niko.”

and she shyly hurried to make her way back to her aunt and hide behind her, while still peering around the older woman’s side to see niko’s reaction to what she’d given him. she was embarrassed yet excited, still not quite old enough to the point that she could actually really talk about what she wanted to convey or to want to talk at all. mercy was curious to know how this would work out herself, but she also didn’t want to just gawk and make him feel even more awkward than he probably already felt. and while everyone was ‘uncle’ to her nieces and nephews, she worried that the implications of ‘aunt mer-mer and uncle niko’ would hit harder than anyone had ever meant it to. (ugh. mer-mer. now niko had heard them call her that, too. how embarrassing.)

she needed to shift the attention away from him somehow, so he wouldn’t panic and feel stared at, or to hide any reaction that he might have that would have been seen as somehow unfavorable. junko wasn’t the best artist, and she didn’t want niko to force himself to act in a way that suggested he knew just what the fuck she’d attempted to actually create. (a dog that looked like a banana with legs that bent in weird places, then a group of stick figures next to it that—judging by how many figures there were—had all been meant to represent each person in the apartment as a happy family, if anyone was curious.) now that he’d been pulled into the night’s activities, mercy didn’t know if she could tell him he had the chance to escape anymore. not right then, anyway. she couldn’t blame him if he did still give them all the irish good-bye because it was just too much, but it didn’t mean it wouldn’t cause her some bit of annoyance. she’d have to explain it to junko in a way that didn’t hurt her feelings and in a way that made sense, not watered- or dumbed-down, but in a way that would make her understand. it wasn’t a conversation she wanted to have.

so she reached up and, her fingers still wet with finger paint, rubbed at her forehead, pretending to have an itch. which prompted keiji to let her know she had something on her face.

“what? i do? where?”

“right here,” he answered her and touched his own forehead, not realizing he’d just gotten paint on himself in his attempt to help her.

“oh word? ya sure? ‘cause i feel like i got somethin’ over here, though.”

mercy ran her thumb down her right cheek, leaving a smear of purple behind. junko and keiji were pointing, giggling, and the tension seemed to lift from her shoulders.

“no, it’s there!”

junko was pointing, and mercy was keeping a strangely straight face as she swiped more color on her other cheek, then across her nose, shrugging as if she had no idea what she was doing.

“i can’t get it. can’t see it. what am i gonna do?” in a faux display of disbelief and stress, mercy put both palms on the sides of her face, thus making even more of a mess than she’d started with.

from nearby haruka rolled her eyes but moved to grab paper towels from the counter to slide over to her aunt. the older girl could act however she wanted, the slight smile on her lips revealed much about how she felt.

mercy was just like a big kid.

but so the fuck what? she could even see minato smirking out of the corner of her eye, so she knew she’d made them all at least a little happier. that was worth more to her than she could say, so she didn’t give much of a damn about how anyone else saw her.

before reaching for the paper towels, though, mercy turned to face niko with a slight grin.

“so, scale of one to ten. how beautiful do i look right now? be honest. ‘cause i don’t think i’ve ever looked this good in my entire life.”

she hadn’t expected an actual answer, but by the way he returned her smile, maybe he wasn’t feeling quite so tightly wound as he might have initially. at least she hoped as much. the woman proceeded to wipe her face clean before helping keiji do the same, then after she was satisfied everyone was entertained enough to pull away, she moved to niko’s side and joined him on the sofa.

“if ya don’t wanna stay ya really don’t have to, okay? i know this is a lot, and they’re gonna hang out with me for a few days while they can. i don’t wanna put ya in a weird place, y’know? but if ya stick around, we’re gonna play dinosaurs.” she leaned in, eyebrows raised, her voice a loud whisper to put emphasis on how clearly awesome that was and how happy it made her. but she quickly sat back up straight to give him room again if he needed it. “i’ll even let ya be a raptor. ‘cause i’m just that nice. but for real. i know they’d love for ya to be here, but if ya don’t—”

she frowned, wondering why he was looking at her the way he was. he looked amused, and almost like he was ready to laugh at her.

“fu—” she stopped herself before she could finish the curse, having made it a point not to drop any foul language in front of the kids a long time ago. “friggin’ what? what’s so funny?”

was he making fun of her? laughing at the way she behaved with these children, the kids she loved with her entire heart? was he making a mockery of something so fucking private and personal? it didn’t seem like something he’d do, not out loud anyway. she’d known him to sometimes be downright cruel, but never to her, and never like this.

but then niko reached out and ran a few rough fingers over the bridge of her nose and pulled his hand back. she watched him lift it to show her his fingertips. they’d come back streaked with blues and purples.

oh. oh god. she’d missed a spot.

she felt like such a fucking idiot.

“l-look, do ya wanna be a raptor or not? it’s a very important question.”

that he did silently chuckle at, and mercy turned away to cover her face with her hands out of embarrassment, probably adding even more to the mess that was still on her face.

foolish as she might have felt, though, this was the happiest she’d been in a very long time.