#i hope you guys don't judge me wrongly on that i don't want to overshare my life here so i kept it as cryptic as possible

[chloeseyeliner]

2023.

there are times I wonder if I sould have tied my shoe a different way,if I should have said your name in a different tone when you made me laugh like no one else did,if I should not have been so silent when you were pouring your heart out to me in the middle on the night,if my cheeks should have been a different hue of red when your fingertips touched the earring hanging from the ear that heard her passionately talking about books and k-pop during movie hour in english,the only time we could ever just be us back when we were kids and it wasn't all easier but at least we had each other.

there are times I wonder if I was not made for your friendship and late-night talking about nothing at all and simultaneously everything,if I was not built for daring to understand how I feel and to hold hands while listening to Carreño and Tchaikovsky together,if I am not suitable for stroking your hair during the bad days and for letting you wrap your arms around me during more bad and hopefully more better days that are coming our way because

we (would be) together.

I (would) forget the rest,

times I wonder if I am made for anything at all except for miserable failures in life because I never say what I need to say,what I want to say,and reading heartwrenching books while staring out the window with the raindrop stains but not really because my mind is constantly traveling and traveling and always seems to reach your destination,and write texts and poems and stories I hate and tear apart and shake a little before going back to my classes and studying,since academic validation is maybe the only thing that keeps me going at this point.

there are times I imagine us meeting again and it's awful and awkward because I never learnt how to properly talk and express myself,I guess. there are times I want my vocal chords to break from screaming in the middle of the street when there's this guy at the supermarket whose perfume reminds me of this swedish show we watched together and our t-shirts that were each other's half like we used to be before keeping secrets,I want my tears to flood the bus because the people in here are intolerable without you here and I can't breathe,I want to set myself on fire when I listen to classical music while studying to shut my brain up and O,Fortuna reminds me of you and how courageous like you and your smiles and dances in the middle of the night when the whole world was asleep and your feelings,open and warm and bright,I will never be.

there are times I wonder how the hell Taylor Swift has always been right.

we indeed only

share this small town

that we have now left behind us

and it breaks me from the inside to the mirror in the morning

and it makes me kick myself at nights,

it's funny how everything inside a mind can change a life in one year.

it's not funny at all.