#happy new year with me and my long-ass vents no one wants to read!

[stormyweaver]

Lots of venting below, but sometimes it's hard for me to jot it all down in my journal. Plus it's my blog so I can post whatever, fuck you.

Last night was... difficult. I think I slept 3/4 hours, which is about an hour less than I usually do. My mind just wouldn't stop racing.

I don't know why I feel so isolated in every space I inhabit. I know parts of it (my difficulty with trusting people, feeling like I'm never 'authentic' enough, trying to make my personality palatable to EVERYONE and then feeling like a husk at the end of the day) but I've noticed a pattern that's very disturbing to me.

I never speak up for myself. If something bothers me, I never say anything. Until I do. And it either comes out in a way that's civil, or I just completely blow up.

But it seems no matter WHAT way I say it, me speaking up for myself almost always ends in losing that friendship/relationship/etc. I let go of basically my biggest friend group this year because I expressed feeling left out, and was given verbal reassurance that that wouldn't happen - and then it did happen.

Ever since then (late May?) I've basically felt like I can't maintain any kind of friendship or relationship with anyone. I get triggered at even the perceived notion that someone doesn't want to be around me. I make friends at work, but then those drop off too, even when I'm giving all the effort I possibly can. I see people with friends and I get so viscerally jealous and hate myself for not being able to have that with more people.

I am so grateful for the friends I do have, the majority being on here. But there's a part of my brain that constantly tells me 'You're one bad take or one wrong joke from losing them'. That doesn't seem normal to me. I want to ask my therapist about it, but now that I'm starting this new job, and her latest slot is typically taken, it's hard to get an actual bi-weekly or even monthly appointment down.

When we did have our (short) introduction meeting, she asked me who my support system is, and I couldn't really give her a definitive answer. I don't really have anyone in my immediate area to rely on. It's literally just me, and the friends I have online.

I try talking to my dad, or my sister, or my paternal grandmother and it feels so empty and hollow bc, while my sister can at least empathize with me, the other two will just say 'Praying for you!' and send me like, 25 dollars. I don't... I don't want money? I need a support system. And I don't know how to express that. I don't know how to express to the people in my life that I'm so jaded, and anxious, and depressed, and miserable that I can't even sleep at night with how rapidly my thoughts are racing, with how negatively I think and react.

I've been trying so hard to come to terms with the fact that maybe I'm just broken. That I'll never have a 'normal' life and a 'normal' thought process. But I feel like there's a difference between not being or feeling or thinking 'normally' and feeling like I'm being punished for every time I don't adhere to what everyone else says I should be doing.

The only thing that gives me any real reprieve is journaling, writing and reading. But I've become such a solitary creature over the years. Even when I try to befriend people who I live with, or work with, or go to groups with... it's like I can't get my own head out of my own ass long enough to make a genuine connection. Or I get ghosted.

I don't know how to figure any of this out. I don't know how to re-program my brain so it stops sabotaging every little chance I get at happiness. I don't know how to express how I feel without crying and sobbing because my emotions hurt so much to even convey to my therapist.

I'm so angry and sad and insecure and afraid. And I'm so, so very tired.

[densi-mber]

Densi-mber Day 3 Prompt

A/N: It’s been exactly a year since I last wrote something but Densi-mber always awakens my creativity. I feel like the story is a little but slow at the beginning, that it needs more dialogue. I’ll try to work on that for the next one.

Thank you for another year of Densi-mber¡ And thank you for reading¡

Set on early seasons, maybe 3-4. 

***

Kensi’s day has been horrible. The morning started by missing her alarm to then realize that there was no coffee at home. Traffic was chaotic, as usual, which meant that she was later than she already was. Which also meant that Callen and Sam would mess with her all day. When Kensi arrived at the bullpen, it was too late to go to the gym; she really needed to vent off some stress from the past days, but that had to wait.

It was a slow day at OSP, as they had kind of lost the direction on the case. No one left to question, no place left to investigate. So the team focused on reviewing evidence they had been collecting for the past month, to see if there was something they missed. The mood was heavy as the case was staring to wear on them. To make it even worse, Deeks was reclaimed at LAPD at the beginning of the week.

If he was there, they could have had fun at least.

It was Kensi’ turn to buy lunch (as she was late this morning), so she spent another precious hour and a half stuck at traffic to find her favorite place closed. Another failure on her day. She hurried back to the sushi bar that was near the Mission, they ate quietly and began to work again.

But it seemed that the day was slowly getting better, as she received a message from Deeks saying that he would be back tomorrow. Kensi tried to hide the smile that the news put in her face but, fast enough, she came up with a (lame) excuse when the boys asked her. They began to tease her all over again, of course.

Once again, Thursday was trying to beat her and rain started pounding when they were leaving home. Kensi did like rain, but that meant even more traffic and that she couldn’t stop to have her favorite burger, as she would make it home too late and too exhausted to buy very much needed groceries.

When she arrived Walmart, she began collecting the necessary to make it to the weekend at least, paid and ran directly to the car, as rain was getting heavier. When she finished loading the Audi, she was soaked, hungry and tired.

The best part of her day? When she turned on the ignition the car didn’t start. Kensi groaned slowly, resting her head on the steering wheel, and starting to shiver from her wet clothes. She stared at the blurred lights from the gas station next to Walmart when her phone began ringing, it was Deeks. Kensi knew he was going to tease her for weeks, but she really needed help.

“So, Kensi the Great can fix her car? Told you Cadillac wasn’t a good choice.” He hadn’t stepped completely in her car yet, but he couldn’t wait to have the time of his life taunting her.

“The smart-ass has definitely arrived. You’re here to help or to be another problem in my day?” She missed him.

“Well, my services as a mechanic has a price.” Well, she maybe didn’t miss him that much.

“I’m not paying you, you still owe me 10 bucks from that stupid bet about the ducks and the hens.” She looked at him threatening.

“No Kensalina, you know that money has no value at all. I want to have three wishes and I want you to say that I’m the best thing that happened to you in the whole day.” The smile on his face was getting bigger with every word.

Kensi turned her face to his, a stern look in her eyes. “You’re delusional.”

“Okay, then goodnight, I hope the tow truck doesn’t take long.”

“Okay, okay, fine.” She really had no energy left.

“Okay fine, what?”

“Oh my god, you’re so…”

“Goodnight Kens¡” He began to step out of her car, slowly, he was so dramatic sometimes.

“Wait¡ You’ll have your three wishes and I admit that you’re the best thing that happened to my in the whole day. Happy?”

“Very much.”

They tried to start the car several times, checked everywhere and they concluded that the only solution was the tow truck. The car has been having some misfires lately due to an accident during their last persecution. So they finally called the insurance and they waited patiently in the car. Deeks offered to grab something to eat and let her decide whether to have pizza or burger.

“You know, you really don’t have to wait, you can go home, I’m pretty sure you’re tired.”

“You think I’m letting my partner alone, sitting in a car in the middle of the night?”

“Aw, you missed me¡” Kensi knew she started a battle she couldn’t win.

“No, you missed me. Callen told me you were sad and moping all day in the bullpen. He said that you gave up caffeine and that you were too tired to even work out. Thinking about me all night must be very exhausting.” Oh that little bastard…

“First of all, that was not what happened, and second…”

“Secondly.” Deeks received another threatening look for interrupting her.

“It’s second.”

“Secondly.” God, he loved to push her. Worst of all? She enjoyed it.

They discussed while eating, sharing their week and waiting patiently in the car. After finishing her burger, Kensi began to feel once again the cold from her wet clothes. He realized that she started to shiver. As Deeks started to take of his hoodie, she stopped him.

“Deeks, it’s okay. I’m not even that cold, I got used to it already.” She felt numb, as if the fatigue had drained all her feelings.

“Kens, you’re soaking wet, why haven’t you said anything?” He looked really concerned this time. Deeks continued taking his hoodie off and handed it to her, turning so she could take off her jacket and t-shirt comfortably.

“Better?”

“Yeah, perfect.” She looked at him with a really weird smile. Half shy, half confidential. His heart skipped a beat.

“Thank you.” It was almost a whisper.

“You don’t need to thank me.”

“This was not in you contract. To help me at any time, to buy me dinner or to give me your hoodie, that wasn’t what you’ve signed up for.” They had a better partnership than what they had at the beginning. Yet, that didn’t mean that they had to be available for each other for things like this. Her more professional part had to remind herself that statement most of the time.

“No it is not. But I do it because we’re friends. I do it because you get really cute when you’re angry. And most importantly, I do it because you would do the same for me. We’re here for each other, we’re not just partners. Or I like to think that at least.”

“Yeah, I’m sorry, I’m just not used to have someone like this.” After all, both were lonely and both new that their relationship was special. They were just not ready to admit it yet, or knew how to do it without having consequences.

They spent another night in her couch, talking for hours and laughing about how incorrect were the procedures in crime TV shows. Her day definitely got so much better.

*Sorry for any mistakes, English is not my first language. J

[acourtofthought]

Just here to tell you, coming from the hateful blog managed by, what I assumed is a grown ass woman (I'm 28, so it's not a dig at their age, it's a dig at their immaturity) that they continue to vague your blog on their posts.

I hope you never let them get to you. I'm someone who came into the fandom thinking it would be a fun place to interact and talk about our favorite characters, sure, I'd expect disagreements, but I never in a million years thought I'd come across women who act this childish over a ship and bully, harrass and send death threats. Are there Gwynriels and Eluciens as toxic? Sure. I've seen it but it's mostly in response to them... and they somehow act superior and only dish it but can't take it. But no one should have to take any of this.

This unhealthy obsession to be right and bully others, who disagree, can't be good for them IRL. There's feeling passionate, then there's them. The comments I've seen them leave all over Instagram, it's so transparent because it's the same accounts. It's to the point new fans on tiktok are calling them out. Not gonna lie, I feel a bit validated to see videos on tiktok calling out their shitty behavior, but it shouldn't be the case at all. No one, under any circumstances should be bullied over fictional characters. 

Ship your ship, no one cares they love Az and Elain, but imagine when all this is over and the embarrassment if they are wrong in their reading predications. No wonder they keep their accounts anonymous. I would never act so narcissistic and gloat before the series is even over, I can HOPE and WISH, but I never go around with 100% certainty and bully people over it only for it to blow up in my face. I'm not SJM and elriels need to be reminded neither are they. I hope they can eat their humble pie, if the day ever comes and apologize for their behavior. But that's me wishful thinking. Sorry to vent, just hate seeing how they used your post to manipulate their follwers into trying to bully you. They seem to have a problem with popular accounts. Wonder why. Jealousy perhaps?

Vent away because sometimes you need to get the thoughts out of your head so you can move forward without them!

I think people forget to keep things in perspective.

I enjoy this fandom and these books and I'm having a good time coming up with theories. Sometimes I'll even get in heated debates over differences of opinions and while that part is never the most fun, I vent or fume for a hot minute than move on.

But my real life exists outside my laptop or phone and when I'm sitting on my deathbed (at what is hopefully 100+ years old because I want to live as long as possible 😂) Lucien and Elain are not going to matter to me. E/riel is not going to matter to me. Blogger XYZ who hated me is not going to matter to me (at least in terms of the opposite opinions within the fandom sense, as a real person they will matter in terms of my wishing happiness for them).

I love the thought of Elucien and I don't think E/riel is matched based on the information I have so far. And sometimes my post are going to be harsh........about E/RIEL and AZ. If that is my big crime to blogger XYZ to the point that they feel the need to write posts about me and encourage others to bully me then.....................what can you do, right?

The one benefit of being older in this fandom is to not be as affected by a strangers opinion of me. Honestly, at this point, I'm not even all that affected by someone in my family's opinion of me. I struggled with that for a very long time. My father is not a part of my life and for a long time I wondered what I'd done wrong that was so bad he didn't want to know me. My mother is in my life but I'm a disappointment as a daughter because I got tattoos, am not proper enough for her and don't believe in the God she does and again, I felt this constant need for approval from the people that didn't like me for me and spent a lot of time doubting myself and caring what they thought. I've dealt with a lot of bullying from my older sibling over the years and finally stepped away from that relationship even though I had always felt guilty not keeping her a part of my life, that somehow I was the bad person for cutting her out. The older I've gotten, I started to realize that just because specific people had an opinion about me didn't make them the right opinions. If you don't respect someone as a person than you shouldn't be listening to their thoughts on you.

I love animals and reading. I LOVE traveling but am afraid of flying. I feel most at peace sitting in front of an ocean or driving around in my car listening to music. I love coffee and desserts and I rarely sit on chairs the right way because I get fidgety. Stick me in a bathtub and leave me there for an hour and I'll be extremely happy. I have a very sarcastic sense of humor, love Broadway musicals, action movies, hate cooking and love going out to eat. I never really wanted to be a mother and left the decision of kids up to my husband but they turned out to be the best thing I've ever done in my life. I'm never the best at anything but above average at a few things like drawing, singing (but have extreme stage fright), and dancing. I always tip 20% even if the service was poor and can only drink one alcoholic beverage at most unless I want to have the worst hangover the next day. People might think I'm social and outgoing upon meeting me but inside I'm sweaty and dying, thinking over every single thing I've said and whether I sounded stupid. I am extremely introverted and tend to make plans only to desperately wish I could get out of them that day (though I usually end up having a good time).

I am a lot of things outside this fandom but if someone wants to base everything I am in my life on who I ship in an SJM book, if they decide I'm stupid or a terrible person because I like a specific pairing and in this particular fictional world don't think two other characters are matched then I realize I just have to let it slide. I believe that one day, they will come to realize none of it actually mattered all that much and until then I guess I'd rather them target me than someone who struggles with the opinions of others on the internet as I might have once done years ago.

[red-velvet-0w0]

long ass chaotic unstructured vent post about my ex be warned

(also if your one of my IRLs who also knows her. like i wont stop you from reading this but i dont want you to have your view of this person tainted by my bad experiences with them) (just like if you do decide to read through this be aware that everything here is more of a rant about a bad relationship rather than a personal attack on the person herself)

(also if you are my ex (because i know you know my tumblr and look through my blog every once and a while) definitely do not read this post)

There were so many problems with our relationship. like i can see that now, although i could see a lot of the cracks at the time i just assumed it was something we could work through, something we could fix. I suppose that a lot of the blame does lay on me for never actualy talking to her about it all but at the time i was so scared that confronting her about any of it would just start another fight and now despite promising that we could still be friends after it all ended i can barely stand to be around her for long enough to talk about it

Because like for so many years before we started dating she was everything to me. its a bad habit that i have where i basicaly just hyperfixate on one person and center my life around them. but usualy its only for a little while. for her it was years. she was my entire world for me. i would do anything for her.

and when we started dating i was so happy. the person who i had loved and admired and crushed on FOR YEARS actualy liked me back. i felt lovable. it was right after i had come out as trans too, and it finaly felt like all of my goals in life were achievable. like i could actualy have a future after so long of feeling like the only hope for me was to die before my life could get any worse. for a second i really thought things were starting to get better

The first problem that I noticed in our relationship was when it finaly sank in to me that she didnt love me in the same way i loved her. like she clearly liked me and thought i was cute but fuck sometimes it really just felt like i was just some pet to her. like i was this cute little thing thats fun to have around but isnt on the same level as you.

and she never understood me either. Like she was neurodivergent too and youd think she would understand how different people think and act in different ways but she never even tried to understand my ADHD. she just acted like it was another problem for me to fix.

AND DONT EVEN GET ME STARTED ON HER OBSESSION WITH "FIXING" ME

before we started dating she would always joked that she like the idea of "I could fix him" where she liked the idea of fixing a broken person as a form of intimacy, that that was appealing to her. and at the time i saw it as a cute, sweet thing. you know. just like wanting to help people.

BUT NO. for our entire relationship i was never good enough for her. I was always broken or needed fixing. and at first it was the simple stuff. "oh i want you to take better care of yourself" "can you try spending more time with other people" "try to be healthier". and even that came with its own problems. i would change everything about how i lived for her and christ knows it wasnt easy and what did she do? nothing. she never even thanked me for changing myself for her. never agknoleged the effort i had put in. just gave me a new thing that she was dissapointed in me for that i needed to fix

AND THEN SHE STARTED TRYING TO FIX ALL THE WAYS I WASNT EVEN BROKEN. according to her "my style wasnt good enough" and i had to dress more like her. or how i didnt act how i should. like i was some fucking barbie doll she could dress up and mold into whatever she wanted me to be. because she was "always right". she never even questioned if what she wanted was what was best for me. she just "KNEW" she was doing what was "best" for me and that i was just being stubborn

And that just brings us into the absolute MESS that was our communication.

I have always been bad at communicating my thoughts I know. Its like my brain is in a different language and when i try to translate all those words into english i just dont have the right way to say it, or like every way i try something just gets lost in communication. BUT SHE NEVER TRIED TO UNDERSTAND. she would never be patient with me. NOOOOOO because she was perfectly able to speak with ease, that just meant I wasnt trying hard enough.

and dont even get me started on our fights. what would always happen is that I would say something wrong, or misspeak, or use some sarcasm or make a joke she didnt pick up on, and then she would be furious. she would always DEMAND explanations and apologies. and I never argued back, or stretched out the arguments. I was always the one apologising, or explaining myself, and it was just never good enough for her. she just kept arguing over and over again about how i had hurt her feelings by mispeaking and wanted a better apology, or never thought that my apologies were genuine enough. I was always comforting her and she never even bothered to meet me halfway.

or whenever she was sad i was always the one offering my condolences, trying to boost her spirit, trying to make her feel better. because i loved her and i cared for her so much. and when it came to me she never cared when i was sad. never tried to make me feel better. she always just told me how to fix the problem and got mad about the fact i hadnt fixed it myself first

and like

i know in the end we agreed to be friends

but at the same time i kinda hate her so bad right now

im not sure if i can.

idk if i should actualy try to fully cut ties with her after everything? or maybe i should just finaly talk to her about how she actualy really hurt me with our relationship?

i dont know and really dont want to do either. whatever. ive said what ive needed to say

[freshpickle]

Vent post, trigger warning: $u1c1d@al

hii, just wanted to say i reaaally love your blog! :) i'll just vent here 'cause i saw u're ok with that. :D

ok so basically i've been diagnosed 2 years ago with depression, i was medicated for 1 year and the i just stopped going to my psychiatrist because i felt numb all the time (and i hated fhe feeling the pills gave me) but i got better anyway after a year. Howeveeer, this past summer i was finally able to go in no contact with "the reason" of my neverending sadness.🙄 And i feel like 1000% better now, but is there something no one talks about at the beggining of the healing proccess. The fact that you don't actually know who you are without your sadness. And I say this because even tho i was diagnosted just 2 years ago, i've been depressed for the last 10 years lol (like, fr, i tried to kms) and now with this ✨new will to live✨ it just feels weird. Because 10 i was 14, so i basically grew up being really sad all the time and now is just like??? What am I supposed to do haha.

Anyway, i am really doing well now, this summer in july i'll finish my degree (6 fkn years in this university really made me stronger haha) and i'm in a 5 years relationship with my bf and everything is going really well, but i can't help but feel weird about my self concept. Because I don't identify anymore with being sad, now i'm just me. But who am I really, you know? Because all the trauma is still unpacked and I still can't really fully enjoy life - sometimes i do think it's pointless anyway but i'll not do anything (kms) because i really don't wanna hurt the ppl around me. Is kinda sad the fact that i don't really wanna live because i want to, but because i feel responsible for how ppl whould feel if i'd be gone. From time to time i just try to enjoy/remind myself that life is worth living because i get to see more marvel movies, or eat a hazelnut donut (i really like those), or sometimes i feel like i should just stfu because it'll be a shame to die - i have a pretty face & body and i got pretty privilege a lot, isn't this the plot of all those 2000's movie? Pretty girls get a secretly sad life but then ✨the plot✨ happens and everything is ok? Lmao. Anyway, i feel like last summer was the plot and now i just get to enjoy life a little more - even tho i don't feel like doing it at all. And i feel a lil guilty because i have a good life (living in europe, good parents, good bf, a uni degree) like it seems like i'm doing "everything i'm supposed to do right" but i feel like ???? wanting to end it because of the years of abuse i went through. I really want to erase it all and live at peace with myself because at the end of the day is my mind vs my mind..

I'm sorry for this long ass text lol i did not thought i'd write this much, also i'm sorry if i've made mistakes english is my 3rd language so i'm not really good at expressing myself 🥲 you don't really have to answear i understand is a sensitive topic and not everyone wants do deal with stuff like this and it's 100% ok! 😊 i hope you have a nice rest of the week, and thank u for reading! ❤️

hey! thank you for venting!! i am always happy for people to vent in my ask box, I can't always promise to have advice, but i'm always more than happy to chat if people need someone to talk to!

congratulations on what sounds like so many incredible things going on in your life! i completely relate to that feeling of there being this chunk of your psyche that can't make sense of happiness because you've been in flight or flight to survive for so many of your formative years!

i really struggle with suicide and depression and i also battle the feeling of disappointing my family and friends if i was to act on any of those feelings. somedays its the hardest feeling to live for the big things and i find it helpful to focus on the little things instead.

i know you sent me this to rant so i don't want to give you any unsolicited advice, i'm just happy you feel safe to talk to me and if you ever do want advice, or want to rant some more, i'm here for you <3

[theorist-influencer-untitled]

8.29.23 Tuesday

12:34 am

I'm in the house now angels... Hoping and praying that we can stay forever in Montana to take our calls... Be untouchables hahah....

I had 5 calls for today, it wasn't easy coz of navigating and familiarizing the tools plus understanding different cases of customer's over the phone....

Yeah! I did progress that I was able to do probing... The "dig deeper" thingy... But...

Some customer's were just there to vent-out and asking for impossible things to happen...

By the way I still have windblow trap,hey! hey! I'm already here and there in Iqor...

Still,have self-pity but thankful coz I badly need money and job these days....I still wanna travel and my heart is not really having an electrical impluse but it is just smoothly beating like the heart of Zombie...

Yeah! We are all the "living dead" . I'm just flatly happy on the bonding with new souls that I'm with...

I'm thinking of money... I'm really thinking of money... I still feel fat, old and wrinkled...

8:23 am

My pelvic is aching... Sciatica/S-bones? Priformis?

1:58 pm

I accidentally saw Marcus ( 1 of my villagemates and they told me they are related with the Marcos'es) on the ground floor of Iqor, I just asked him since when he started working in Iqor? He's been here for almost 5 years already...

He said that you should have been told me that you will apply here? I said hmm...You just want the referral money right? Marcus said yeah! We will split it into 2... So, funny but I'm already here...

11:13 pm

I'm offended and super affected on calls that I had today... On the way going home...

I feel bad... It gave me complexities... About the "language barrier" I wanna end up with an american man... I feel so affected...

I went out after receiving 3 bad calls, took my break and saw Ms Evelyn ( a 60 year old woman who is also in this job) in the pantry... I vented out my inner emotion on Ms Evelyn or Tita Evelyn... Aunt Evelyn I can really talk English but over the phone it is somehow different, I can't accept it if american are putting me down...

I'm so slow on navigating and I feel bitter...

11:41 pm

I'm now in the house and I feel affected... My heart is bleeding now coz those americans are offending my English.

I can speak English and I can understand it in person, over the phone is different... But thanks to a one person that "Andres Hayes" who saved my dying image and ass for today that I collected something from him coz he just joined the family of a particular mobile brand that I'm carrying in Iqor... I'm having a hard time on navigating the tools and reading the bill and at the same time putting some noted on the memo, listening to their long intro venting out issues in life....I need to work on my multi-tasking and mastery of navigating tools... Plus, sometimes they talk fast and they didn't stop venting-out at all but just talk fast like a running horse but there is no race here...

[iamjalen-unhinged]

Before you read: This is a long post about my ex. I promise you I am not posting this for you to read, however if you do, enjoy the ride. If not it's really just to vent and let it go. The following will have grammatical errors, and spelling errors. I don't care, I'm currently high and venting. I might delete this, I'm not really too sure. But here goes...

I got with my ex in 2019, --my last year in college-- and it has been one of the most rocky journeys of my life. I won't get into everything, but to add context to the situation I will talk about some of the bull shit that went down, but please keep in mind, parts of the stories are left out.

First, I was cheated on while I was in another country. Mind you, I was in another country because I was jump starting my marketing career post college. What was supposed to be a happy and glorious moment, and time for me was partly ruined by the fact that I got cheated on. Mind you, the nigga gave the bull shit excuse of "I need to be by myself" and brokeup with me before I even found out about the cheating. It wasn't until a month after that, his friend slipped and told me he cheated on me.

Fast forward end of 2019 going into 2020, my dumb ass starts talking to him again, I went to visit this man a whole hour away from where I live and did so a few times. One time in the mix of partying and drinking, this man calls me the other niggas name in front of all his friends. That shit was wild (I was hysterical that night)

Now you may be thinking, why are you still fucking with this man after all this? but check my technique... it's hard to let someone go bro. Especially because he was the exact opposite of what I had before (you don't even wanna know about that emotionally abusive ass story). On top of that, I was doing off the wall shit too. I just never got caught.

So fast forward again, we've both kinda matured and are in decent places in life (mentally). We decide to be cool, and spend time together and shit like that.

Though this time around, I never put my guard down. Knowing this man and the past shit he put me through, I would never let my guard down with him again. Plus in the back of my head I never thought that us being cool and spending time together would become anything more.At that time I didn't want anything more from him or from anyone, but he brung a good nut and good times. We had also both agreed (he brung up the idea) that we would not fuck other people in fear of STIs and giving it to one another. Fair, right?

WRONG

Everything was going well up until this past summer. In June, this man comes around and tells me he's going to be celibate (Bull shit). I found out in maybe September that in July (right before my birthday)... Let's just say, he broke the agreement, and exactly what we wanted to avoid, ended up happening.

So here we are in October and now this guy has a whole new situation and tbh it irritates the fuck out of me for several reasons. But I'll only list the main 2.

The first reason is... Why didn't that nigga like me? Like we had great times together and it was nothing I wouldn't have done for him, so why no matter how hard I tried this niggas just did not want me!!! and that alone is such a hard pill to swallow because I internalize it when I know I shouldn't. But I genuinely want to know, why wasn't I good enough?

Second reason, BITCH aint no way you about to prosper with this ugly ass nigga (who has the same name as me) after you did me THAT bold. Like fuck you, I hope you and that nigga rot!

...

Now granted I left A LOT of shit out, so this post may come off as the "bitter ex" but that's okay, I'm almost at the end process of letting it go.

I myself have a person that interests me, and I actually do like the person. I hope with time we can actually make something out of it. Because at this point, bitch, I deserve to be happy.

Also (you might be mad) I actually still talk to him to this day. I thought about cutting all ties with him and I still can, however, I don't think it's really necessary for me to do all that. I still value the friendship we did actually make, and I do like spending time with him. As long as no feelings are involved, I will be fine. I'm mature enough to do that, I think

....

If you actually sat and read all of this, I love you and if you want a gift (I don't have anything to offer but nudes) DM me or even like this. Thank you for taking the time. Now back to your regular scheduled programming.

[chasing-rabbits]

I am literally valued less than a car in my dad’s eyes and that honestly takes the cake for possibly the worst thing he’s ever said to me/done. Putting under a read more because its a LONG ass vent and does cover some pretty shitty things about my dad that I guess would come under abuse themes in terms of manipulation and such so yeah.

Did he explicitly say those words? No. What has happened is for awhile now we’ve been looking into private therapy because therapy on the NHS isn’t really available to the point when I had my first meeting with my new psychiatrist - I recently moved out and therefore was transferred to an entirely different mental health team/unit. Anyways my psychiatrist said they are severely under staffed when it comes to therapists. I’d brought up with him that my old therapist under the NHS left and I’d bumped into her through chance and she now works privately and I’d discussed going private with her. He recommended this if we could afford it of course because it would be far more beneficial to me to see a therapist 1-1 than what they have to offer at the moment especially as the NHS is severely underfunded when it comes to mental health even more so. So we’ve been in a back and forth about it my mum and brother absolutely agree I need it, it’s worth it. The thing is sessions are weekly at first but often do drop to fortnightly but that’s all at my pace and when me and my therapist believe it’s time to reduce sessions to forthrightly. I can afford to pay for one therapy session a month but not 4. My mum is willing to pay for the remaining 3 a month until it goes down to 2 a month and then she’ll pay for one and I’ll be paying for 1. My dad is happy to pay for fortnightly sessions but not weekly even though that means only one extra session for him to pay as he was thinking and more than happy to pay for both sessions when done forthrightly. The thing is weekly sessions in the beginning are not even negotiable it’s really like it needs to be weekly for her to discuss what I want to work on and treatment goals and such. That I do know for sure. Now I want to make it perfectly clear my parents can absolutely afford to pay for therapy privately this is NOT an affordability issue and I’m very lucky for that. My dad has recently bought a car he’s paying it off monthly though and I worked out the total value of that car could buy me nearly 20 years of weekly therapy sessions. He’s manipulative and abusive and always has been but when he’s trying to talk about affordability and how expensive therapy is how is it he dropped all that money on a car and didn’t think twice about affordability or retirement funds as they run their own business they are trying to save up themselves a pension/retirement pot as there is no business pension pot as such.

What he’s actually saying is I bought this car with higher monthly repayments than your therapy without even worrying about retirement funds (because guess what they have more than enough being put away for retirement so that point is a scapegoat for him to deny my therapy) but when it comes to my therapy suddenly ohhh that’s a lot of money though and it’s like you weren’t really concerned about your retirement funds being affected by this because you showed no concern for that when you spent so much on a car or on ‘xyz’ items he’s bought recently that were expensive. It’s more so that he doesn’t see my therapy as a worthwhile use of his money the car cost more but he wanted it and so it was worthwhile the therapy he obviously couldnt care less about so not worthwhile even though its 100% affordable because he does nothing with finances for the family my mum handles everything and has shown him multiple times a breakdown of their retirement plan and savings she can put away every month and what this would leave them with to retire on monthly and yearly. And honestly that’s so fucking hurtful that he’s having to be convinced to spend this money on my therapy by the rest of my family when he needed no considerations to drop far more on a car. He’s not explicitly saying it with words but at the same time he is literally valuing that car as more worthwhile than me and my future because therapy will help me have a better future like fuck I’ve had multiple attempts he’s seen that he knows what I’ve gone through and am going through and the outlook without therapy for someone with my comorbid conditions is NOT great and medication is doing NOTHING for my bpd even my psychiatrist said so that for some people they need therapy not meds it is what it is and I just don’t know how someone can be so cruel and lack so little empathy for their own child that they’re in a position to afford this but are splitting hairs over paying for ONE extra session a month and that’s not even long term because it WILL go down to fortnightly that was confirmed with her before we considered all this.

I’m genuinely at breaking point right now and I’m just done I need to become financially completely independent from my family because if not he will always have that control and power over me and I can’t truly just distance myself for my mental healths sake or he could become vindictive and try to make things a lot harder for me I know my mum wouldn’t let him and she’d never let him kick us out (they own the flat we’re renting from them currently they remortgaged so they could buy it for us because we needed to move out ASAP ironically because my dads behaviour was escalating and it wasn’t safe for us to realistically be living under that roof because the stress of the arguments was putting a major strain on my mental health. And that was a lovely gesture on my mums part my dad for months he would threaten not to sign the papers anytime we did any little thing not to his liking or his way. For him this nice gesture is clouded with just power and control and constantly threatening to take that away it’s not nice and it’s not a honest nice gesture if you use it as a means to control someone else by threatening not to take that away. But that doesn’t mean he couldn’t make my life more difficult in other ways even if I know my mum wouldn’t allow him to do anything that would put us in serious danger/issues like kicking us out also my mum signed us up for a 5 year lease with the rent price locked so thanks Mum. Anyways this is a long enough vent for now I just ajdlKSJKDALS

[ssouledout]

well helllooooooooo, it’s been a MIN

it’s been a HOT min honestly. i haven’t been on here in years.. like actual years. i kinda skimmed through my old entries and i want to actually sit down and read each one. because what a time that was!!!! i realize that this blog represents pieces my faith journey 🤯 i don’t think i intended it to be that?? but i was so on fire for Jesus and it really showed. was just barely starting my faith journey and i knew i was in for a ride.. but girl lemme tell you. IT’S BEEN A RIDE LOL. and im just getting started. i want to catch up on what happened these past 2ish 3ish years. 

we’ll start with my love life lol. i’m still single 😇 halo emoji because i’m truly content here right now. and God gave me peace when I left Matt 2+ years ago. like immense peace. but as time went on I started entertaining thoughts that made me question everything that happened. as if I completely forgot what God brought me out of. i became way more social and active on ig and started getting attention from a hs crush.. ignored the holy spirit’s alarm bells and entertained that SMH (if all of my worldly friends told me to stay away, then you know it’s bad bad lol). but i lowkey wanted to check it off my bucket list. also.. with God anything is possible right? i proceeded with much caution and i made sure that didn’t get far. but my character was changing. not entirely because of this man, but just over all. literally saw myself sliding back into who i WAS.. idk where to begin. lemme just say that life away from God ain’t it. especially after he has delivered you from some things. remember that post when i said i gave up mary jane for good? God knew i wasn’t actually ready to give that up yet. after about 8 months of staying weed sober (that’s a long ass time, shows that God was really at work in my heart!!), i started smoking again and thought that if i did it with family members, it was “fine”. all this that i mention was the start of my spiritual and mental downfall. i pinpointed it when it was all happening but i continued living life this way (i dont even want to say it was the old me.. it was different. like I was more in tune with the holy spirit this time. and i was drinking often and partying, but living in my parents’ home. hardly drank ever in college. had wayyy more money than before. confidence was building from working out consistently) until i was unrecognizable to myself. girl i was so broken. but that’s what sin and disobedience does. i reconnected with a lot of people from my past and met new people along the way. reconnected with hs friends. my northridge friends. all the men from my past lollllll (didnt plan this, but it happened?) i even re-gained *feelings* for someone in my past past. but after hanging out with him, those feelings went away thank you Jesus. men make me CRINGE LOL. i see what the enemy was trying to do though. why did i reconnect with these people? idk. i was getting comfortable being more social and felt it was fine to reconnect? prob bc i was feeling more confident too. priorities were just out of line.. aka where was God in this?? far away 

speaking of confidence though.. my body composition is different. she got a booty now, a toned back, and thicker thighs. my weight fluctuates a lot but she’s been looking and ✨feeling✨ good. waist trainers WORK btw. but i stopped wearing them for a while now (not to sound annoying and cliche but diet and exercise is more effective). 

that job i was venting about in previous posts... i stayed for 2 years and some months. it was bad. broken, evil, money hungry company. picked up some bad drinking habits there. formed friendships around gossip and getting drunk 🤢 like who was i?! unrecognizable i tell ya. made me sad realizing that one of my best friends who was also my coworker played a huge role in this. had to distance myself from her all year and it’s been good for my well-being. and she respects the distance i think. things are just different now but im happy with it. after maxim, i got a different recruiting job. was feeling so happy and blessed about it untilllllll my manager... not getting into that rn. in short, he gave off entitled, predatory, bipolar, immature vibes. God used that tho to make me leave.. because ever since i left my job in aug, i’ve been ON FIRE for the Lord!!! taking me from faith to faith. i’m back n betta baby. God’s been trying to 👏  talk 👏  to 👏 me, and i can hear him better now that i’m putting distractions aside. i fasted for the first time in april. and God was quiet - he was like “😗 you already know what you need to work on”. it was sooooo hard for me to let go of my sinful lifestyle.. partying was fun and it was part of my identity. like fr. identity- that’s a whole topic for another time. anyway, i went back to partying after that fast 🙃 this was really recent btw. willingly doing drugs but feeling the conviction. like girl didn’t God bring you out of all of this? thank God for his faithfulness, i don’t deserve his grace!!! in this season God is basically showing WHO he created me to be and how those things i attached myself to don’t serve me, God, or anyone really. i had to lose myself completely to find it tho.. yet again. hurt more this time around. please God no more, i learned my lesson hahahah 😭 

i’m jobless rn. my full time job is spending time with Jesus and i love it here 😭 i ain’t no baby christian anymore. i can proudly say that i’m FINALLY not a lukewarm christian.. sheesh took long enough thank you GOD.

I bought a perfume to wear everyday in this season to remember it!!! valentino voce vita. Here’s a short summary of what God is doing:

- exposed the enemy’s tactics and patterns in my life

- establishing my identity in Him and solidifying it 

- teaching me how to use my authority in Him and how to fully rely/trust in Him

- confirmed that he will give me my man of God and a family (HE GAVE ME A VISION OF HIS FACE AHHHH. he’s got a pointy nose and straight teeth. nice smile)

- placed an urgency in my spirit that something big is happening. and it’s all pointing to Jesus’ return which is sooooooon EEEEEE!! LETS GOOOO

- revealed and confirmed my calling.............. scary fun times LOL. he’s going to USE MEEEEE, idk how that will look exactly. but i started a mukbang channel 3 weeks ago and its growing. (been having fun with my food ig page all year and growing there too! but pausing that for now.) i’m trusting and obeying and not looking back

- gave me an opportunity to be the community service leader for heavenly fire ministry!!! attended their retreat in the beginning of the year btw and met some amazing women who are HOT (humble, open, & transparent)

i know i’m on the right track with the Lord YAY <3 been having sooo many intimate moments with the Lord and i’m excited to keep on experiencing his goodness. spiritual attacks are on a new level - the enemy’s old patterns aren’t working and he’s sending his stronger minions. but i’m covered and i KNOW where i stand. i know where God stands. and i know where the enemy stands. the truth has been revealed and i’m unstoppable on God’s team 🤩 

reminder: Galatians 6:9 (NLT) ‘So let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up.’

anywayyyyy i hope to keep posting updates on here. now that i figured out my login info. i really hope and pray for more christ-like friendships. audrey is literally God-sent i love her sooooo much ugh. nikka and i are still friends and we stay encouraging each other!! so something good came out of maxim lol. also grateful for keelee, i hope we can hang more! 

that was a lot. bye for nowwwww ✌️ 

[godlygreta]

game night | j. m. kiszka

title | game night

summary | game night ends a little bit differently than expected (the ask that it was requested from is here [x])

warnings | this is smuttt ! it also contains alcohol

word count | 2.3k

author’s note | i.. am so happy someone sent me this ask days ago. thank you, anon, for blessing everyone with this. i hope you guys enjoy !! thank you for reading and as always take care of yourselves please ! i love each and every single one of you. don't ever hesitate to message me if you need to vent or want to talk about one of the boys ! i am always down

also, this is unedited as always ! ignore any typos because i'm too lazy to proofread these before i post them <3

(also.... yes, i know, this is the third fic i've posted today i felt very productive and actually wrote two of these today because i had the time)

Game night was something you and Josh tried to do every time he came home from tour. You’d invite the boys over and play the most ridiculous games. One year, the five of you played Just Dance, just to see who the best dancer was. As the five of you became more and more drunk on tequila, obviously the better your dance moves got. Another year you tried Monopoly, but that ended almost as soon as it started. You knew the twins were competitive, but you underestimated it greatly.

This year, however, as you stayed home because of the pandemic, you and Josh decided to keep things between yourselves. Renting a little cabin in northern Wisconsin for a week, the two of you had gotten equipped to the games of Life and Monopoly. Chutes and Ladders were only fun for so long.

The glass of wine you had poured yourself had run empty, the nearest bottle all the way on the kitchen counter. You pushed yourself off of the living room floor, leaving Josh to plan out his next move in the game of chess you two were playing. You went to pour yourself another glass until you realized that the bottle was empty. “Josh, do we have any more wine in the house?”

“Yeah, in the basement. Want me to grab you another bottle of red? Or do you want white?”

“I think I’m gonna switch to white. Need another beer?”

“Yes, please! Also, it’s your turn!” He shouted, disappearing into the basement to grab you a new bottle. You brought your glass back into the living room with you as soon as you grabbed Josh another beer. You looked across the board, smirking once you realized you could win, as long as you moved your queen piece.

As soon as Josh sat down, he noticed he was in checkmate. “Oh, fuck me.”

“That’s three in a row, honey love. Just face it, I’m a chess master.” You took the bottle from his hands, noticing he had already taken the cork out of it for you. You poured yourself another glass, watching Josh open the can of Miller you had gotten him.

“I admit defeat. Can we play something else? I’m tired of the board games.” Josh spoke, beginning to clean up the chess pieces. You nodded, asking him what he had in mind. His smile turned upwards, a smirk playing at his face. “I’ll be right back, give me one second.”

You watched as Josh darted upstairs, no idea of where he was going. You brought the glass up to your lips, sipping as you remembered the way Josh’s hands looked as they moved the pieces strategically around the board. He settled back down in front of you, stack of sticky notes in his hands. “What’re those for?”

“We’re going to play trivia, but if you get the answer wrong, you have to take a sticky note off my body with your mouth. First one to have no sticky notes left, wins. Oh, and you kind of have to be naked for this to work, so get to stripping, my love!” Josh beats you to removing his clothing, keeping his boxers on. You followed in suit, removing your shirt and pants, leaving you in just your bra and underwear.

You placed your sticky notes throughout your body. You put some of them on easy spots, your shoulders, the backs of your hands. A few of them you put atop both of your breasts, one on your ass, and another one right over your panties. Josh’s almost mirrored yours. “Who’s going first?”

“I can. What is the tip of your shoelace called?” He asked, half expecting you to get it wrong.

“Aglet. Phineas and Ferb taught me that one. Okay... Name one of Neptune’s moons.” You smirked, wondering just how much Josh was listening while attending your astronomy classes with you once your university switched to online classes.

“Fuck, um. Titus?” You shook your head no, smirking. “It was fucking Triton, wasn’t it?”

“It was, but you got the answer wrong. Take a sticky note off of me, pretty boy.” You waited for Josh to pick which one he would be removing, noticing him go straight for the one on your shoulder. He removed it, pressing a gentle kiss to the skin. “Your turn.”

“When is John Denver’s birthday?”

“Really, Josh?” You rolled your eyes as he smiled at you, beaming his pearly whites in your direction. You went over to him, removing the sticky note he had stuck to his neck, your breathing on his neck sent goosebumps all over his skin. As soon as you removed it, you licked up the length of his neck, taking his earlobe into your mouth, nibbling at it slightly.

“Your turn.”

“Jupiter’s is the Roman version of what God?” You asked, knowing Josh might easily be able to get this question. You didn’t want to make this one too hard, hoping that Josh would make the next question easy on you.

“Zeus?” He dragged the name out, half muttering it as a question. You nodded, watching him celebrate with a fist in the air. You laughed at him, watching his face contort as he tried to think of another question. “Easy question: how many notes are there in music?”

You stared blankly at Josh. Music was not your strong suit by any means. You were more of a science kid growing up. Anytime you picked up an instrument, you played it so terribly, you put it down and never picked it up again. “E-Eight?”

“Yeah! Good job, babe!” He cheered you on, giving you a high five as you smile widely at him. Your brain began to think of another question, thinking of a really hard one. You wanted Josh to take a sticky note off your body, you’d hope he would pick one of the ones on your breasts. “How many moons does Saturn have?”

“Um. Three?”

“Nope.”

“Fuck.” Josh muttered under his breath. With eyes raking over your body, he picked the sticky note that you had wanted him to pick in the first place. His eyes looked up at you as he removed the sticky note from your breast. As soon as it fell from his lips, he licked over your nipple earning a light moan from your mouth. You were able to feel his tongue through the lace mesh of your bra. He pressed a kiss to it before leaning back up. “My turn again. What’s the instrument that Sam plays besides the keys and the bass?”

“Oh fuck, I don’t know that one. A fuckin’ electric keyboard.” You knew the answer was wrong. You also knew that Josh had told you about it a few times now, having been with them through the recording process. Fuck, even Sam told you what it fucking was. He shook his head, watching you intently as you began to pick at another sticky note.

This one was on his abdomen, right above his navel. You picked it off, letting it fall to the floor. You looked up at him through your eyelashes, sucking a hickey into his skin. He put his hand on the back of your head, never wanting your mouth to be removed from him. He threw his head back when you bit into his skin a little harder than you usually would, simultaneously letting out a hiss. “Fuck the game.”

Josh’s hand flew to the back of your neck, bringing your lips to his. You moaned into his mouth, feeling his other hand press into the soft flesh of your hip. He pressed you against him, feeling him rock hard against you. He licked into your mouth, coaxing another moan from you. He removed his lips from yours, following your jawline to your neck. He left wet, hot open-mouthed kisses in his wake, traveling further down, down, down, until he met with your nipple again. His hands travelled up your back, unclasping your bra while his mouth was occupied. As soon as your lace bra was removed, he attached his mouth to you once again.

With every swirl of his tongue over the sensitive bud of your nipple, you felt yourself drip more and more. Josh was incredible with his mouth. You loved watching him perform, the way he owned the stage as if he was born for it. He demanded the attention of everyone in the venue, their eyes never straying far from the beloved lead singer. You loved hearing him sing to you in times of loving moments, making something together in the kitchen. Although, ultimately, you’d kick him out due to being a pest and making a bigger mess that only you would clean up.

“Lay down, wanna taste you.” He muttered against the skin of your chest. You pulled away from him, laying down on your back as Josh climbed over you. His mouth stayed between the valley of your breasts, kissing down, down, down until he reached the waistband of your panties. He pulled them with his teeth, hearing the snap of them against your skin. You smirked, looking down at Josh as you propped yourself up on your elbows. He picked off the sticky note that covered your mound with his teeth, spitting it out on the floor next to your body.

He pulled your panties down your legs, kissing your body as soon as the fabric left your skin. He spread your legs open a little, looking up at you from his position between your legs. “Is the carpet bothering your knees, babe? We can move this to the couch otherwise.”

“I’m fine, honey love. Can’t I take my beautiful girlfriend on the floor with the fireplace crackling in the back?” You chuckled at him slightly, bringing him up to you for a quick kiss before letting him continue.

He kissed the insides of your thighs, nipping at the skin slightly. His eyes looked back up at you, tongue finding your clit. The sound you make as he begins to draw figure eights with his tongue is a fraction of a notch before desperation. You wanted more of him; the wine mixed with the pleasure he was bringing about made you feel more drunk than you already were. “More, Josh, please.”

“Anything for you.” He wrapped his lips around your clit, sucking harshly as his fingers began teasing your entrance. He slipped a finger inside you, up until his first knuckle. You arched into his touch, wanting nothing more than to be filled up more by his fingers. You whined, Josh removing the finger that was inside of you.

His finger was replaced by his tongue, your clit being stimulated by his thumb. He licked you up and down, the vibration of his moans making you moan in response. The pressure he put on your clit was torturous mixed with how slow his thumb was moving. He removed his tongue from your hole, “You taste so sweet, love. So fuckin’ sweet.”

“Mhm, more. Need more. Need you.” Your body writhed under his touch, thumb not enough for you anymore. You pulled him off of you, bringing him up to you. You reached your hands down, scratching the skin of his abdomen as your hand trailed to his cock. He shuttered in your touch, moaning as soon as your hand wrapped around him. Your thumb ran over his slit, a groan falling from his lips. “Need you to fuck me, Josh, please. Can’t take anymore.”

“Yes, princess.” He tucked his head in the crook of your neck, hand guiding his dick up and down your folds, collecting your juices. He slipped inside you with ease, causing your head to go back into the carpet, eyes rolling into the back of your head. You loved the way Josh filled you up. As soon as he was fully seated inside of you, he groaned into your neck. “Fuck, I love the way you feel wrapped around me.”

“You feel so good, Josh, so fuckin’ good.” As soon as he quickened his pace, it left your jaw to hang open. The way his hips moved against you just right, the tip of his cock brushing against the sweet spot just right. You devoured the moan he let out as you left crescent shaped marks on his back. You wished you could play it back on an endless loop. He moved your leg, making it parallel with your sides. The other he left wrapped around his hip.

The devilish feeling of this new angle made a moan rip right through your body, it was somewhere between a desperate plea for more and appreciation of the new position. The sound of your skin slapping together mixed with the crackle of the fire ignited flames in your lower gut, a familiar pressure beginning to build. Josh was almost to the edge too, his hips falling out of its perfect rhythm every now and then. “Where do you want me to come, doll?”

“Oh, fuck, come inside me, Josh. Please, need you to fill me – oh fuck – so bad.” Your eyebrows furrowed together as soon as Josh’s fingers reconnected with your clit. You whined, chanting ‘fuck’ and ‘shit’ over and over again as the pressure almost reached its peak. “Wanna come with you, Josh. Please come with me, baby. Wanna feel you fill me up.”

“Shit, almost there.” You pulled his lips into yours, swallowing each and every moan that came with his climax, just as he swallowed your own. You pulled him closer with your arms wrapped around his neck, wanting his body as close to your own as possible. “Fuck, holy fuck.”

“That was fun.” You said, half out of breath. He chuckled, pulling out of you. He fell on the ground next to you, fingertips brushing your hand.

“We definitely should’ve done that on the couch. My knees are fuckin’ raw with rug burn.”

“I hate you so much. I suggested that earlier and you we're like 'no, I don't wanna, I wanna have sex with my girlfriend on the floor'. Your rugburn is your fault, Joshua.” He turned towards you, smiling crookedly as he pulled your body close to his. He littered kisses all around your face, making you giggle. “We should play these games more often.”

“Maybe next time we’ll actually get to a winner.”

[songmingisthighs]

[19.06] mafia!hongjoong × reader

⇀ you were interested in hongjoong, a notorious leader of a very successful mafia organization. sadly he didn't see you that way. if only he knew the true you before making a rash judgement

⇁ tw : mafia life, angst, mentions of black market activities, death, violence, dark stuff. read at your own risk.

⇁ disclaimer : the author does not support any and all criminal/illegal acts. the narrative written in this story is purely fiction out of the author’s imagination. the things written here does not portray real mafia life nor is the author aware of how the mafia life is like. the author is a hermit loser.

The door to Hongjoong's office opened and in walked his right hand, with a teasing smirk on his face. Hongjoong looked up from the paperwork on his desk and looked up to the man with a raised eyebrow, "what are you smirking at?" he questioned.

Seonghwa nodded his head towards the door, "there's someone here for you," he said whilst holding onto his laughter. Hongjoong shifted his gaze from his friend to the door and then back to him again, "who?" "your girlfriend," Seonghwa teased.

Before Hongjoong could throw anything at him, though, Seonghwa had run off, laughing heartily.

Not long after, you came into his office with a wide smile. As per usual, you were dressed to impress, head to toe with a black and white vintage channel mini skirt and blazer, adorned with a channel necklace and earrings. As you walked in, Wooyoung, one of Hongjoong's trusted men, looked at your passing figure with mouth hanging low and a starstruck look on his face. But you didn't care, you only had eyes for Hongjoong.

It has been roughly five months since you started dropping into Hongjoong's office. Your dad, an equally highly successful head of the mafia from where you're from, wanted you to get married to expand his business and make more allies. He gave you several options but you were immediately intrigued by Hongjoong, one of the mafia heads he made a partnership with by providing him with weapons. The comprehensive file your dad gave you did Hongjoong no justice so you decided to get to know him for real.

Unluckily, Hongjoong is very secretive and protective of himself and his family (re: his brothers; his most trusted men in the mafia). He had been betrayed so many times before and his thirst for revenge both became his strength and downfall. While he managed to build a highly acclaimed mafia organization at such a young age, he closed off everyone who he deemed not worthy of his attention even after only seeing them for less than five minutes.

Sadly, that included you. You weren't the only one who got a comprehensive file on the other, he too had one of you. A straight-A student from Wharton with hobbies consisting of horseback riding and charity? He wondered whether you were preparing to take over your dad's mafia or to steal the Crown of England and be its ruler.

Hongjoong tried his best to hold in a groan of annoyance but even so, some still escaped him and you heard it. Though you were used to it so you just ignored him.

"Hi, Joong," you grinned widely at him, walking in and putting a medium-sized box of cake on his desk after closing his door. "Don't call me Joong," he grumbled.

In all honesty, your bubblegum personality sickened him. He knows for a fact that no one is that happy-go-lucky and excited and has rainbows shooting out of their asses 24/7. So there has to be something you were hiding from him.

You only chuckled at his response, "You're a sourpuss, you know that? You're gonna have wrinkles before you hit thirty if you keep frowning all the time like that," you said as you focused yourself on opening the cake box.

Inside it was the cake you made for him. All the times you visited him, you never made him something from scratch. You were trained to be the head of a mafia organization one day, not in the kitchen. So that cake was the very first thing you made and you were beyond proud of yourself.

"Look," Hongjoong exhaled sharply, starting to get annoyed even before you did anything, "You came at a bad time, I need to get a hundred thousand things done before tonight, in case you didn't realize, my organization is-" "in the brink of war with Stray Kids, I know, I've read the reports," you simply said, hands moving to cut the cake in front of you to hand to him.

"I have connections with the leader's soft spot, the foreigner one, I can make a deal that would help your case if you would jus-"

"NO!!!!" he yelled out, slamming his hands onto his desk, startling you so much that you accidentally dropped your knife and stepped back a little.

Maybe it was the stress of having to deal with things alone, or maybe it's just him finally snapping from overthinking about you, but one thing's for sure is that he had had enough. He needed to put you in your place.

"You may be your daddy's little princess back home, all dressed in white and pink and lace, showered with Channels, Tiffanys and your hoity-toity prestigious Wharton degree. But here, you're nothing, got me? You understood nothing about having to work your ass off to get the recognition and rewards you deserve, you had your daddy behind you this whole time and that's very convenient for you. But don't come here and act like you know shit, okay? Our worlds are different, you came from a cotton candy palace, I came from the ditch, your opinion means less than shit to me," he spat out so quickly, he didn't realize that your expression changed to something that he had never seen before.

Your eyes were blank and glazed, lips slightly quivering and chest heaving.

Hongjoong thought that he had really put you in your place and he was about to celebrate the fact that he might finally drove you away when you opened your mouth.

"Cotton candy palace? Not understanding having to work my ass off?" you choked out.

At first, Hongjoong thought you were gonna cry. But a sadistic, maniacal laugh resonated in the room from where you were doubled over, holding onto your stomach.

It was Hongjoong's turn to be stunned into silence.

"Oh my god, I thought you were smarter than that," you muttered as you calmed down, wiping tears from the corner of your eyes, "you think that this is who I am?" you asked with a raised eyebrow at him.

Hongjoong was confused about whether or not he should speak. It was the first time anyone had ever stunned Hongjoong and Hongjoong didn't know what to do.

"I was born from a girl who was en route to be sold in a human trafficking ring, I came out premature and was about to be sold to a satanic cult as their sacrifice but my 'dad' 'rescued' me. I was stored in a facility with thirty other children, we were trained to be assassins since before we could walk, brainwashed with ideals that ruined our brains. One by one, each year some of us were taken out if we show a lack of improvement or no promise," as you talked, you took off your earrings and necklace and put them on Hongjoong's desk.

While you ran a hand through your messy hair, you stared into him deeply, "I was seven when I first killed someone, my last competition. She was two years older than me and she was sold by her parents for coke money, or as the warden told us. We were reminded every day of how worthless we are so we wouldn't rebel and escape. But even in despair, I wanted something more. That's where daddy came in. He was impressed with me and he took me in as his daughter, telling people one of his whores were pregnant with me to assure my legitimacy. I was schooled in my own private red room. I had to fight for my right as a human being, I made deals with my dad to be able to go out with bodyguard escorts for only an hour every month,"

Hongjoong's eyes followed your hands that gripped onto the edge of your skirt, "did your little binder wrote that I went on my first official mission when I was just twelve? My dad cut the ballet lesson that I trade in for 120 hours of combat training short to gear me up, put me in a room of adult men and sent me off to plant an active bomb in 5 minutes in an air vent of the headquarters of his rival, crazy, right?" you chuckled humorlessly whilst ripping your skirt off to reveal your black shorts inside, a knife and a gun holstered on your thighs were revealed, making Hongjoond's eyes widened.

He never would have imagined someone like you to carry weapons under your very girly outfit. Or to even have such a traumatizing backstory.

"My whole appearance is compensation for my very dark upbringing, I wanted to hide it all. My dad told me I was stupid, that I belonged in the dark, dark world. But when I went to Wharton, I tried to change myself. I thought that I might be able to be the person I wanna be by marrying someone my dad approved so I don't have to take over wholly, I could just be the voice by the side, lending my skills and help the organization indirectly,"

You looked down at your heels clad feet for a second, letting your toes point and moving them from left to right to see what it looks like.

At this point, Hongjoong felt bad for having blown up at you. You had only wanted to spend time with him and even if he didn't want to see you, he could've said it nicely. Hongjoong never felt like this before, it was very weird for him.

He was about to walk over to you when you suddenly took your heels off in a flash and threw them both at Hongjoong so hard that it embedded deep into the wall on either side of his face.

Your usual smile was replaced with a frown, the eyes that usually twinkled showed nothing but darkness. He barely recognized you and he was on edge about it.

"You made your standing with me perfectly clear, Kim Hongjoong, while my dad is one to stop things before they become an issue, I like to see how things unravel," you smirked at him.

"What do you mean by that?" he asked, not being able to process anything.

"It means that your partnership with my dad is off, good luck finding a new weapons supplier," you spat out before turning around to leave the room, leaving traces of yourself behind at his office.

Hongjoong wanted to call after you, try to make things better somehow. But his head still couldn't even wrap around the shocking information you had just revealed.

Not long after you left, Yeosang came in but stopped at the door, scanning the room that was littered with remnants of you. "What the fuck happened here? Did a hooker tried to kill you!?" he asked, still confused at the situation.

When Yeosang looked up, he saw Hongjoong in a way he had never seen him before.

Nervous.

"I-I- I think I just forged a war between us and the largest mafia weapons manufacturer on the eastern hemisphere," he uttered out.

[aroaceconfessions]

Okay this one‘s going to be long and I really apologise for it.

So. I‘m an ace aro who grew up in a immigrant family where things such as sex and romance weren’t really talked about because „we“ wait till marriage. I never really realised i was "missing" something, because of that

Fast forward, I was 14 when I found out about fandoms and comfort characters. My first fandom was Percy Jackson and I remember I had a big crush/squish? On Percy

When I was 17 I found out I was asexual and was okay with it. No real problems, I had my comfort characters (who where 17/18 just like me)

When I was 19 I found out I was aromantic. Now that one was tricky. And I still have issues accepting it because of my family and being seen as a „failure“ just because I don’t want a S.O

My favourite characters were a HUGE comfort and still are. Cause if they don’t have a SO, it’s okay if I don’t have one right?

Now onto my question, cause the background information was important to understand my struggle.

I always grew out of my fav. Characters. Like with Percy Jackson, when I turned 18 I was like, he’s still 16, he doesn’t have the struggles like I have so I got new favs my age.

But the most important thing is: I never liked my faves romantically or sexual. I just loved them and still love them like I do a Family member. So even if I still find comfort in Percy jackson he’s like a brother to me.

I just recently watched encanto and it really hit me (big family, kind of toxic sometimes, all that buzz) and I realised that this Camilo dude was my favourite. (I always had a soft spot for the goofball so it’s no surprise tbh) and I didn’t know his canon age until I googled it. I‘m Honest, I didn’t watch any trailers or anything beforehand so I just assumed he’s some kind of older cousin in his 20s

When I found out he’s 15 I was like, okay, not my usual comfort character because of the age, but well, I still love him like a friend (again, I don’t experience sexual or romantic attraction)

And then I saw many and I say MANY post talking about „these weird ass young adults simping for a literal CHILD and calling him hot and drawing him so weird!! Like wtf if wrong with u???“ ( I def. agree with the hot part and the weird drawings don’t get me wrong! It IS weird!!) but I still feel kind of hurt because I DONT see him in any romantic/ sexual way but I know everyone else will think that i do

And now I genuinely don’t know what to do! Cause now I’m 20 and it’s SO hard to find any characters my age who DONT have a S.O or sex. And this Is a whole new struggle cause with child characters, there rarely is any romantic let alone sexual tension so I prefer to find comfort in them rather than in older people cause they don’t get sexualised you know?

Oh my god I sound like a p*edophile! But I really don’t mean it like that, its just easier to identify with 16/17 year olds cause they don’t have Sex and im Sex repulsed so it just disgusts me

I know I could just read ace/aro books. But first of, I'm in the closet and do not plan on coming out anytime. and second.. it just limits everything. Most of the time the whole struggle of the book is the sexuality of the person. Why can't it hust be a fantasy book without anything? I remeber i read a young adult novel and i was so happy, i was like FUCK YEAH she's 25 I love it! and then BAM! 20 pages of smut. It ruined the whole book and I hate it so much that I feel so disgusted by it. and then again, I read a YA book (16-18) it still feels weird cause i don't really identify with them either? these are literal children and it's just weird.

I'm sorry, I really don't know what I expected myself when i began to write that question, I guess i just wanted to vent.

[ur-favorite-queer-queen]

Internet Friends

For Maribat March day 4 theme internet friends

Master List

It was peaceful for once in the manor. Dick, Tim, Damian, Steph, Cass, and Babs were all in the living room doing their own thing. However peace cannot last forever and the silent atmosphere was interrupted by one Timothy Drake-Wayne. 

“Guys come check this out!” He exclaimed, his phone facing the others in the room. They all gathered around the phone, some more annoyed than others. On screen was a video and Tim hit play. 

It showed a girl with dark hair, blue eyes, and pale skin motioning for someone off screen to come over. There was music going on in the background and the girl was obviously getting impatient. The figure came on screen and they were all shocked to see it was Jason. Then at the top of the screen the words ‘Doing this trend with my overprotective best friend’ appeared and now they were very confused. Jason had never mentioned this girl before.

The music stopped and the girl repeated the lyrics “Look at my ass, look at my thighs” as she turned around. But before she could turn around Jason picked her up and carried her off screen before the video ended. 

“What was that?” Dick asked after a few seconds of silence. 

“It’s a trend on tik tok that girls usually do with their boyfriends, but in this case Jason and this girl are just best friends.” Steph answered. 

“How does Jason even know this girl?” Dick pointed out, asking the question that was on all of their minds. Unfortunately, no one, not even Tim, knew the answer. 

Cass then spoke up, “Watch more.” She grabbed Tim’s phone and played another video, however this time it was Jason holding the camera. He came over to the strange girl who looked to be baking something. She looked up at him weirdly, asking something that couldn’t be heard because of the audio playing, luckily they could read lips. 

‘What are you doing?’ She asked

Jason responded with ‘Just listen.’ 

She turned her attention to the camera as the lyrics “That’s my best friend, that’s my best friend” played. Jason was moving to the beat and that seemed to convince the girl to also move to the beat. The song continued with more lyrics playing “She’s not my girlfriend, she’s my best friend”. Then suddenly the lyrics “I just fuck her her from time to time” played and the girl whipped out her spoon and started whacking him on the head with it. She was screaming ‘LIES’ just before the video cut out. 

This led to them going on a spree of watching their tik toks. Apparently this was their shared account and both of them had separate accounts they planned to look at later. An hour had passed of them just watching their tik toks before they stumbled upon an intriguing one. The caption was ‘You guys asked for it, so I’ll explain. This is going to be my side of the story.’

It showed Margot, as they had found out her name was, sitting on her bed recording herself painting her nails a blood red as she talked. 

“Ok so you guys have been asking for this for a while so here it is. How I met Jason part one. And Jason will also be doing his side of the story, just so you’re aware, watch that after this. But this also takes place after the whole ‘Hawkmoth and Lila Incident’ so if you haven’t watched that storytime on my personal account, you should probably go do that.” 

One look at each other and they knew they were gonna look at the story afterwards. It was getting too good to leave now.

“So a long time ago I had a venting account on Instagram. Now I had many venting accounts, all with different usernames, including Twitter, Facebook, Snapchat, all that good stuff but Instagram is where I met Jason. I posted something about how death could never stop me because I had died by the hands of an akuma before but ladybug’s cure brought me back to life. But then later on in the post I said something about how if this one boy, you all know who he is, couldn’t take a hint then I would rather let death take me than bother living in this mortal realm. Jason ended up seeing the post since we were following each other at the time and DMed me. Now he said and I quote ‘Yo, my username at the time, if you need me to come and beat this guys ass I would be more than happy too. I would gladly let death claim me as well without your shit posts to relate to.’” 

She had tried to make her voice sound deeper and had stopped painting her nails so she could do air quotes. “Looking back on it now, that is such a Jason thing to say, but at the time I was pretty confused and mildly concerned. And time’s up, part two will be posted right now.” 

“Wait, what the heck is an akuma and ladybug’s cure and why did she die from it!?!?!” Dick shouted once the video ended. 

“Dick you don’t know what she’s talking about?” Babs asked in disbelief. 

“Tt, Grayson, and I thought you were one of the smart ones in this family.” Damian scoffed. 

“Does everyone here, but me, know what she's talking about?” Dick questioned, getting yes and nods from everyone in the room.

“Okay Dick,” Tim began, “This is gonna be pretty unbelievable and complicated so I’ll try to explain it as best I can in a short amount of time so we can finish her side of the story before dinner. So while I’m explaining don’t interrupt me.” 

He waited for Dick to nod his head before continuing. “There are jewelry called miraculous that house mini gods that grant powers to whoever has the jewelry. Each miraculous houses a different god thus a different power. Miraculous themselves, including the gods bound to them, are neutral so they can be used for good or evil depending on who wields them. 

Hawkmoth and Mayura used the butterfly and peacock miraculouses for evil purposes and were basically emotional terrorists to the people of Paris. Hawkmoth was able to send out a butterfly with magic to a person feeling negative emotions and manipulate them to do his bidding. These butterflies and villains created by the butterflies were called akumas. If you were or became an akuma you were akumatized. Mayura was able to send out a feather with magic that also used negative emotions to create a monster that aided the akuma. The feathers were called amuks and the monsters were called sentimonsters. 

That was when the heroes Ladybug and Chat Noir also came along and fought Hawkmoth. Ladybug had the ladybug miraculous which granted her the power of lucky charm and miraculous ladybug. Lucky charm gave her an item needed to defeat the akuma and miraculous ladybug reversed all the damage a fight caused. She also had the task of purifying the akuma, turning it back into a butterfly. Chat Noir had the black cat miraculous which granted the power of cataclysm, which made it so he could destroy anything he touched. The 2 worked as a team for around a year before they brought in other temporary heroes who are not that important. Eventually all their temp heroes’ identities were outed and they could no longer use them so they were back to square one. 

However many people noticed that Chat Noir was not taking his job as seriously, he began sitting out battles, flirting with ladybug while there was an akuma, and even getting civilians killed, relying too heavily on ladybug’s cure. We’re not exactly sure what happened, we assumed she snapped because one akuma attack Chat Noir was not there. Instead, there was a whole new team of miraculous wielders including Murder Hornet wielder of the bee miraculous who had the power venom which let her temporarily paralize her opponent, Red Illusion wielder of the fox miraculous who had the power mirage which let him create illusions, Peridot Protector wielder of the turtle miraculous who had the power shelter which allowed him to create indestructible shields, Medusa wielder of the snake miraculous who had the power second chance which allowed her to reset the time line as many times as needed to win the battle, Mustang wielder of the horse miraculous who had the power voyage which let him create portals, and a new black cat holder, Midnight. 

The team took 6 months to defeat Hawkmoth and Mayura, who turned out to be Gabriel Agreste and Natalie Sancour. The Justice League tried to recruit them but they all wanted to live normal lives. Ladybug still checks in every 3-6 months to reassure everyone she still has all the miraculous. I don’t blame them, especially Ladybug, for wanting a normal life. This whole thing started when they were around 13 and ended when they were around 17.”

Tim then clicked on part two of her story, not even waiting for Dick to recover from the huge information dump. 

It was the exact same place she was at in part one, and she was still painting her nails the same shade of blood red. “Okay guys part two of how Jason and I met. If you didn’t watch part one go watch then return to this one. So picking up where we left off I Dmed him back and we ended up having a very long conversation about murder, people not understanding the word no, and spineless cowards. This went on for quite a while of us just messaging each other and eventually we gave each other our emails and then phone numbers. I gave him my phone number just before I moved out of Paris. After like 6 months of texting we planned to meet up at some park in New York that was near the apartment I lived at at the time. Now in hindsight that was a very dumb move on my part so to all the kids watching don’t go meeting up with strangers you meet on the internet. Do as I say not as I did. I almost regretted my decision to meet up with him because he is intimidating as hell! He’s like over 6 foot tall, with muscles the size of my head! I honestly thought that I had put myself in a very bad situation but thankfully he was just as nice in real life like he was over text. We ended up hanging out a lot more and long story short we’re best friends!” 

It was at this point that she looked directly into the camera with a glare that could rival Batman’s, stating, “Literally just best friends to all the people who think shipping us is okay!” And just like that, it was gone, “Anyways see you guys next video, bye!” 

And with that the video ended and the Wayne children, minus Jason obviously, were left wondering how they missed the fact Jason had a female best friend. One where they declared their friendship on the internet nonetheless!

“Well that was certainly something.” Steph commented. 

“Yeah, who knew Jason could have a non hero friend that we didn’t know about.” Tim joked. 

“So are we gonna watch Jason’s part?” Dick asked. 

“I don’t think we have time for that, but we can watch it after dinner.” Tim suggested, “Alfred is probably on his way to get us right now.”

“Tt, what do we do now?” Damian questioned. 

It was then that Cass stole Tim’s phone and started to play a new tik tok. And it showed Margot trying to teach Jason how to do the WAP dance. They were never letting him hear the end of this.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I am literally so sorry for that huge information dump with the miraculous. I did not expect to get that carried away while writing and by the time I realized it, it was too late and I had to post. Honestly because of how much I wrote I will probably use the miraculous holders names in a future fic, cause I’m lazy. :P Also if you wanna guess their identities feel free to! Anyways tomorrows prompt fic thing will be like a prequel for this one, it’s basically why Marinette now goes by Margot and why she lived/lives in New York. The prompt “Betrayal" will be connected to this as well. :)  Also sorry this was posted so late, I had things to do, that I still need to do...I hate procrastination

@maribatmarch-2k21

[mercy-burning]

Losing You Twice / Prologue: Silence

Pairing: Spencer Reid x fem!Reader Summary: On New Year’s Day, Y/N attempts a new chapter of her life but finds it may be harder than she thought... Category: Angst Content Warnings: language, alcohol consumption, implied masturbation (female) Word Count: 1,343

SERIES MASTERLIST | MASTERLIST

NOTE: AHHHH the prologue is finally out!! I’m so excited to start sharing this story with you guys, I adore this album with my whole heart and I just knew I had to use it as inspiration for a fic. I hope you all enjoy reading it!!

***

“I know that I should let go, should be letting you go. Can’t postpone it, not anymore, when I know what I already know: What I need is silence. All I need is time and space and silence. Cut communication ‘cause I’m trying to learn that I can lose you and survive it.” —FLETCHER, Silence

JANUARY 1st

Even though the snow outside was falling rather heavily, Y/N left the window open, a bitter chill drafting through her bedroom and settling into every nook and cranny, which included the closet where she was currently sitting on the floor, a glass of wine in hand and pictures laid neatly across the wood.

As her eyes grazed over every scrap of paper, mostly polaroid photos and little hand-written notes he'd left her over the years, the constant ticking of the clock back in her bedroom wouldn't stop.

Realistically it was probably the wine, enhancing her ability to focus on nothing else except the most menial, annoying little things. But she was thoroughly (and maybe a little drunkenly) convinced it was actually Time itself, taunting her— every constant click of the clock screaming at her as if to say, "You! Fucked! Up! He! Hates! You! Now! You're! Pathetic!"

The happy memories scattered about in front of her certainly didn't help. His face kept staring back at her, each lovesick gaze spewing even harsher words than the clock. Just by seeing his face glinting back at her under the harsh white light of the closet, all she could hear in her head above the noise was that one single sentence that's haunted her since Christmas.

"You don't actually give a shit about me, Y/N, you only ever care about yourself, and it's been that way ever since I met you!"

No matter how greatly she professed to him that that wasn't true, he walked out on her all the same, not giving her a chance to explain further. Though, he always took the time to listen to her, so his words coupled with the slamming of the door landed her with the impression that maybe she'd only said it in her head.

After all, she was half drunk on tequila at the time, the other half of her mind swimming with sadness and regret.

Maybe she hadn't fought for him to stay like she thought... Or maybe at this point he was simply done trying to make it work, done with hearing her half-assed promises to get better at communicating, and done with her...

It bothered her immensely that she didn't know.

And when he wouldn't even pick up the phone to answer when she wanted to ask, when she texted him and each one went promptly ignored, she felt like the answer was finally clear.

Now it was New Year's Day, just about ten minutes past midnight after Y/N opened the window, poured herself a glass of wine, and started sorting through everything in the closet. She'd went in with the intention of starting anew, like practically everyone did during the New Year. Though the longer she sat there, sipping the wine and staring back at pictures and notes that only reminded her of the one good thing she'd ever known and inadvertently thrown away, the experience was less cleansing and more daunting.

Everything was loud.

The click of the clock, and the howling of the wind outside as it blew snowflakes around in a near-blizzard, and the constant screaming of every word she wished she'd said before he left...

It was all too much.

So Y/N downed the rest of her wine, threw all the pictures and notes back in their box, and shoved it deep in the back where the memories couldn't hurt her anymore, at least in theory.

But as she crawled into bed, the clock now sitting in the kitchen with no batteries, she was reminded that there was one form of memory that she couldn't shove in a closet and hide away.

She drifted off, the sharp chill from the winter wind still lingering on her skin even after the window had been shut and she'd bundled herself up under the covers.

Even in dreams, it transported her to the night before Christmas, when she walked with him across town, looking at all the lights and finding themselves underneath a large tree. He took her gloved hand and placed it firmly on his chest as she looked up at him, snowflakes sticking to her eyelashes. She admired how pretty he was surrounded by white snow and colorful lights, his cheeks and nose painted a soft pink from the cold.

"I love you, Y/N," he said with every intention of hearing her say it back.

But for some reason, she didn't. Instead, she leaned up and kissed him, hard, nearly knocking him to the ground. And even though she was happy and warm, it was the first time she thought she'd ever felt him not kiss her back with the same fervor.

That should have been her first clue that things were going to decline, but she was so caught up in the feel of his lips against hers, no matter how distant they were, that she couldn't really bring herself to care. After all, it was Christmas Eve, and nothing bad could ever happen to their relationship during the happiest time of the year...

But this was a dream, and now Y/N knew better. She stood there, watching the scene unfold in front of her, screaming for herself to say it back, to yell, "I love you too, Spencer!"

But again, this was a dream— No matter how loudly Y/N yelled at her former self, nothing would change what happened in the past.

She woke up the next morning, cold and alone, and surrounded in silence. Not even the soft clicking of the clock was there to keep her company.

But that's what she wanted in the first place, and if she was ever going to get through this—to move on with her life without him at her side—then she was going to have to get used to it.

And so her phone sat nicely on her bedside table as she grabbed a random selection of clothes and headed to the shower. Maybe the water would wash away some more of the major remnants of his being from her body. Maybe she finally wouldn't be able to feel the ghost of his hands roaming her skin and tangling in her hair...

It worked for almost the whole day, and then she laid back in bed that night, her hand dipped beneath her underwear and eyes closed tightly. She hadn't meant for him to creep into her mind, but it made sense that it would have happened eventually— When your relationship with someone was built almost solely on sex, it seemed inevitable.

No one else had made her feel the way he did... He took such care and precision with her body, drew out every possible second of pleasure until she was out of her mind, and in turn she showered him with praise and loud shouts of his name. Spencer... Spencer!

"Spencer!"

She opened her eyes, hand retreating from her body as quickly as possible as she tried to blink away his image. Her breathing steadied, though a long, exhausted sigh fell from her lips almost as easily as his name.

It obviously wasn't going to be easy, but damn it if she didn't want to give up already and find him the way she always did after a fight.

This wasn't just a fight, though. And as she laid in bed, her thumb hovering over his name in her phone, something stirred in her chest that signaled a bad idea. Not that bad ideas ever stopped her before... But now?

It didn't feel right.

Nothing about any of this felt right. And she didn't know what to do about it other than shutting the phone off and tossing it to the side, snapping her eyes shut and huffing like a child while she tried not to cry.

Plain and simple, heartbreak was brutal. Especially when you were the one to blame.

And that sentiment was the sharp twist of the knife in Y/N's gut, plaguing her as she willed herself to fall asleep.

“It’s like a crutch, see if you’re up. 4am but I like a rush, so I’ll go into your bed, my safety net. Cheaper than a therapy vent, yeah, I know...”

***

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I’m tagging my permanent taglist in this prologue only, so if you want to be notified when I post more from this series, send me a message or leave me a comment, and I’ll add you! Thank you :)

[midnight-strays]

Heyy I love your blog sm!! I was wondering if it would be possible for you to do Dazai scenario where he and reader are reminiscing about the old port mafia days (reader left the pm a little after he did and joined the ada with him) thank you so much!!

WARNING: This piece contains mentions of attempted suicide- read at your own risk.

The stars shined high above, reflecting in once dull eyes- eyes that had gained a new light in the last few years. A shiver wracked your body but you remained where you laid, soaked to the bone beside the river, staring up at the stars that continued to twinkle peacefully as if they hadn’t just witnessed you diving after your closest friend. No words had been spoken since you had fished the man out of the river, having simply pulled him to shore before laying beside him, chest heaving. You could have sworn you caught a pained look on his face, as you had made eye contact under the water, only for it to turn into his usual annoyed expression whenever someone got in the way of his suicide attempts. “

“Remember the day we met?” Dazai’s voice cut through the silence like a hot knife through butter. Had you not been desensitised years ago, you would have jumped. “Of course I do… You were sent to kill me on my fifteenth birthday.”

~

His breath tickled your neck as he brushed his nose over your soft skin, both your chests heaving and heads spinning. Pushing him off of you, you rolled over to find your place above him. “You’re good… but you need a little more practice…” you chuckled, taking the gun he had hidden in his coat, removing the clip and unloading the chamber, throwing the ammunition to one side and the gun to another. “But hey… I’m more than happy to teach you~” You didn’t miss the smirk that grew on his face before you had clashed again.

~

“You never got very far though. Days later, I was being assigned as your new subordinate. To this day, I have no idea how you managed to convince Mori to recruit me, considering he wanted me dead.”

Dazai only laughed and once again, a silence fell between the two of you, though it didn’t last very long this time. “What about the first time we sparred?” You recalled, earning another soft laugh from your companion. “I kicked your ass,” you continued, though the tone in your voice said otherwise. He had won more than the match that night.

~

The fight when the two of you met had nothing on this one. Every strike of his fists meant business, every kick and quick movement done with precision. Dazai knew what he was doing. So did you, but he had more practice and he was naturally stronger. “You’re slowing down,” he taunted you, hardly out of breath while you were struggling to keep up. Had he just been toying with you before? Did he know what was going to happen? Ducking as he hooked his fist in from the right, you were unfortunately met by his prepared knee, being sent back and onto your ass. Your nose throbbed and it had sent a shock of pain through your skull, behind your eyes and had you gasping for a breath. 

Blood dribbled down from your nose, but you wiped it with the back of your hand, smearing it on your skin as you went to stand back up. He stopped you however, hand on your shoulder, forcing you back down. “Stay down. Had this been a real fight, you’d be dead now. So stay down.” You hated that smirk on his face, the way he clearly indicated that he knew he was better than you. He knelt in front of you, grasping your chin roughly and forcing you to look up at him. “Don’t worry, I’d be more than happy to teach you~” He mocked you, his smirk never leaving as he crashed his lips against yours, all teeth and tongue before he backed off by standing up once more, wiping your blood off his face.

~

“You got better. I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone improve so quickly. You were determined to return the favour.” He was right. It wasn’t long at all until you were looking at your first promotion. Then your second, and soon, you were working directly under the executive. Those days, Dazai was a lot more focused on a new recruit, Akutagawa. The poor boy, he was treated absolutely ruthlessly. You couldn’t help but have lost a lot of respect for Dazai at the time. Pulling some poor, helpless child into the cruel world of the mafia. It was a dog eat dog world out there though, who knows what would have happened to the kid had he not been taken under Dazai’s wing.

“I’ve recently found out that Chuuya is still trying to find that bottle of wine we hid. You’d think he would have found it after all this time.” You turned your head to finally look at the man for the first time since pulling him from the water, but his eyes never left the sky. “You’re kidding me right?” You laughed. “Surely someone would have found it by now.”

~

Soft snickers and hisses were heard as the two of you tried to silence each other’s drunken giggles. “We’re going to get caught,” you spoke through your giggles, which increased when he pulled a face at you, offended by the mere mention of him getting caught. “Please, the chibi is off kissing someone’s ass right now,” Dazai scoffed, opening the heavy door that lead into one of the many offices of the massive building owned by the mafia. “Holy crap… Why the hell is Chuuya’s office bigger than mine? He’s not even an executive yet,” you grumbled, looking around the room, eyes landing on a wine fridge. “Found the stash.”

Rushing over to the fridge, you pulled it open and began looking through the bottles, reading the labels and cringing at the sight of some. “How about this one?” you suggested, holding up one of the bottles for Dazai to look at. Having been hovering over you, he took the bottle quickly and hazily read over it, shrugging his shoulders. “It’ll do. What’s that one on the bottom?” he asked, gesturing to the bottle at the very bottom of the fridge. Picking it up, you read over the label and scoffed. “Wow- like, one of the finest wines you can get your hands on. Apparently. I think this type sucks to be frank,” you explained, going to put it back, only for the man to snatch it out of your hands. “You’re probably right, buuuuutttt, if it’s so amazing, surely our dear chibi will be enraged to find it missing,” he grinned. You stared at him, brow raised as you shut the wine fridge, before looking past him, up to the air vent that was right above the oak desk. “Up there.”

~

“I mean, who doesn’t check the air vents? Everyone hides the best things in their air vent.” You let out a heavy sigh, staring back up at the stars before listening to him as he rustled around. After a couple of seconds, he was hovering over you and for a split second, you saw the old him, the weird teenager who made out with you at any given moment before teasing you or pushing you around. You never figured out what was going on between the two of you and as you reached up, gently stroking his cheek with your cold hand, you didn’t deem it important at that moment. Regardless of the answer, he was yours. “Let’s go home.”

[oneforallheadcannonsandshorts]

That anon gave me an idea for a request. How would The First user react of seeing his child after his s/o gave birth and how would he be with his s/o during pregnancy and then how would he be with his baby. Set in an AU where he didn't have to fight AFO also the other users are also alive and react to become uncles and aunts. Hope this isn't too much! I love ur writing! Keep it up!

First User has a child, All One for All users alive AU

Key:

[f/n] = first name

[s/c] = skin color

[h/l] = hair length 

[h/c] = hair color

[e/c] = eye color

A/N: Just to make it easier on myself, I will be referring to the first user as Yuichi. But that is just for this request. Also side note, “Ichi” is the kanji for “one”. Second user will be called Ganji Nishizaka, “Ni” is the kanji for “two”. Third user will be called Wakaba Sans, “San” is the kanji for “three”. Sixth user will be called Okada Roku, “Roku” is the kanji for “six”. 

Possible Manga Spoilers ahead?  

To say that Shigaraki [f/n] is nervous, is an understatement. She’s only been married for nine years to her husband Shigaraki Yuichi and now she is pregnant. And someone people may say that nine years of marriage is the prefect time to be having kids. But [f/n] doesn't think so. Also having a child is a lot of responsibility that not everyone is ready for. 

“Okay little one, how am I going to tell you daddy?” [f/n] wonders to herself as she stands before the mirror of the bathroom. 

“Hey, [f/n] are you okay in there?” Asks her long time friend Shimura Nana. 

“Yeah, be out in a minute.” [f/n] says taking a deep breath. 

[f/n] steps out of the bathroom to see Nana waiting for her in the hall. Nana takes one look at [f/n] before she gasps excitedly. Quickly, [f/n] covers Nana’s mouth. 

“Not a word.” [f/n] snaps in a whisper. 

“Okay, okay.” Nana whispers softly. “How long?”

“About a week. I had been feeling sick and then I went to the doctors early this morning.”

“By yourself?” 

“Yep.” 

“How are you going to tell him?”

“Not sure yet. But just dont say anything okay.” [f/n] begs. 

“Okay.” Nana nods. 

[f/n] smiles softly as she and Nana enter the living room. Yuichi is out with the boys of their friend group; Ganji Nishizaka, Wakaba Sans, Hikage Shinomori, Banjo Daigoro, and Okada Ruko. Apparently it was Daigoro’s idea to have a “guys’ day” and let the girls have time to themselves since they are surrounded by men. And the others agreed since it sounded nice. 

“What do you think the boys are doing?” Nana asks. 

“Probably at a bar.”

“Poor Shinomori then. He’s probably being forced to pretend he’s someone’s man.” 

“You know he enjoys doing that.” [f/n] giggles. 

“Yeah but still. Eventually he’s gonna snap and someone’s going to get sent to the hospital and press charges.” 

“Doubt that. But I get what you’re saying.” 

{A few hours later}

Nana leaves a few minutes before Yuichi returns. Thankfully Yuichi isn’t drunk but there is a huge smile on his face as he sees [f/n]. He wraps his arms around her forcing her into a long hug. 

“And what has gotten into you?”

“Missed you.” He says. 

“Did you?”

“You didnt miss me?” He asks pretending to be hurt.

[f/n] rolls her [e/c] eyes and says, “Of course I did.” 

Yuichi smiles and leans in for a tender kiss. [f/n] smiles into the kiss as she relaxes into his arms. Yuichi slowly pulls away breaking the kiss and stares into [f/n]’s eyes for a moment. 

“So, how was your day with Nana?”

“It was good. We just had tea and talked. What did you boys end up doing.” 

“Daigoro thought it be fun to take us to new club that opened up. We spent about twenty minutes trying to get Roku inside because he didnt look like he was old enough to go in as far as the bouncer was concerned.” Yuichi explains getting [f/n] to laugh. 

“Oh poor Ruko.” [f/n] laughs imagining just how pissed Ruko was and Daigoro, Sans, and Nishizaka laughing their asses off.

“You never did tell me where you went earlier today.” Yuichi says becoming serious. 

“Well, I didnt want to worry you. I went to doctors to figure out what was wrong with me. I should have the tests back by the end of the week.” [f/n] lies trying not to bite her lip. 

She hates lying to her husband. But for now, until she figures out a way to tell him, she is gonna have to. 

{A few days later}

“You still haven’t told him!?” Nana demands over the phone. 

“Nana, quiet down.” [f/n] begs. “It’s not easy. I thought you of all people would understand.” 

“I do. Which is why you should just tell him. You and I both know Yuichi will be happy knowing he is going to be a father.” Nana says. 

“Yeah, yeah I know.” [f/n] sighs. 

“You could always ask Shinomori for advice. I mean that’s how I told my husband I was pregnant by going to him.” Nana explains. 

“I guess it wouldn’t hurt.” [f/n] nods. 

After ended the call with Nana, [f/n] calls Shinomori. 

“Hello?” His deep voice resonates from the other line. 

“Hey Shinomori, it’s me [f/n]. I need your advice on something.” 

“Sure. What you need?”

“Well...the thing is...”

“You’re pregnant aren’t you?”

“Yeah, been for two weeks now.”

“And you haven’t told Yuichi yet?”

“No, which is why I’m calling you. Nana told me that you helped her tell her husband.” 

“I did. With Yuichi, I think the easiest way to tell him is buy a baby outfit that looks like his favorite hero.” 

“That could work. Thanks, Shinomori.”

“No problem. Happy I could help.”

“Also, I have to know, how are you still not married yet? Seriously you’d make a great husband for someone.” 

“I am aware, but I dont think marriage is for me.”

“I understand that, but when was the last time you went on a date or got laid for that matter.”

“Oh, god now your sounding like Daigoro.”

“Hey that’s a valid question as a cornered friend who sees you as a older brother.” 

“Much appreciated and I do see you as a sister. Good luck telling Yuichi.” 

“Thanks Shinomori.” 

{The next day}

Finding the baby outfit of Yuichi’s favorite hero was easy. Now all she has to put is put in a place he’ll find it. That’s when [f/n] recalls that Yuichi has adult onesie of his favorite hero that he wears every once and while. She finds that onesie and lays it and the baby outfit on the bed. She also adds the test from the doctors to confirm it. With that done, all she needs to do now is wait. 

Yuichi comes home from work a hour later. He greets [f/n] like he normally does with a smile, a kiss, and a hug. After which he heads into the bedroom to change and get comfortable. 

Watching him head into their room, she waits for his reaction. Hearing footsteps she looks to see him come back into the kitchen holding the onesie with tears in his eyes. 

“A-A-Are we really?” 

“We are.” [f/n] nods with a smile. 

Yuichi breaks down into tears as he grabs [f/n] into a hug and swings her around. He laughs while she yelps. He plants a kiss on her lips completely overwhelmed in joy. 

{Telling the others}

“YES!” Daigoro cheers. “More children for us to spoil!” 

“About time.” Nishizaka shrugs. 

“Finally mini Yuichis!” Sans jokes. 

“What about mini [f/n]s?” Asks Roku. 

“You’ll both be great parents.” Shinomori says with a smile. 

“Agreed. Picked our the godparents yet?” Nana asks. 

“Shinomori and you for sure.” [f/n] says.

“HAHA Yes!” Nana cheers. 

“I’d be honored.” 

“Hey a kid can have more than two godparents.” Daigoro says a bit hurt he wasn't chosen. 

“You’re the fun uncle remember?” Asks Ruko.

“Oh right.” Daigoro smiles.  

{During the pregnancy}

[f/n] is surprised how much Yuichi involves himself in the pregnancy. Like, WOW, he is involved. He reads a lot of parenting books and researches tons of baby stuff. He brings up a few things he’s learned with [f/n] to see if she might be willing to try them. It’s a little endearing, but [f/n] doesn’t mind. She knows that he is just excited and nervous. 

Also Yuichi has been handling her hormones, carvings, and mood swings pretty well. Of course, [f/n] can’t help but think he might be venting to Shinomori or Nana’s husband to help get through it. And if he is, well [f/n] can’t blame him. 

There is also the fact that Yuichi has taken over getting the baby’s room ready. They still dont know the gender because they want it to be a surprise. 

“H-Hey, Yuichi can you rub my feet?” [f/n] asks as they sit on the couch. 

“Sure.” Yuichi says moving toward her feet. 

“Thank you.” [f/n] says beginning to fall asleep.

“You’re welcome my love.” Yuichi says leaning to plant a kiss on [f/n]’s cheek. 

{When the baby is born}

Needless to say, [f/n] thought she broke Yuichi’s hand during the birth. However she is pleasantly surprised to find that she didn’t. Of course Yuichi admits that her grip did hurt. Holding their, newly born son, [f/n] tries to hold the tears back. 

Their son has his father’s hair, green eyes, but your [s/c] skin and your mother’s oddly symmetrical freckles.

“What do you want to name him?” [f/n] asks Yuichi. 

“Hmm...Izuku.” Yuichi says. 

“After your grandfather?”

“Yep.” 

“Alright then. Shigaraki Izuku it is.”

==========================================================================================================================

Okay, so I probably should have done this headcannon style, but then I thought, why not try writing it as a short? And once I started I couldn’t stop. Also thank you Anon for this request and I hope you like it. 

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