#i just need a little 'reset focus' reminder every so often but its like ..

[ofcowardiceandkings]

i would like to stop obsessing about the dumb thing where i was scolded a little for being distracted but its a tangible single thing my brainworms can latch onto instead of the many many other shit things in the background that are objectively way worse or scarier

[imaginesandinserts]

Irreverent Pt. 42 - Strangers

Title: Irreverent Pt. 42 - Strangers Pairing: Aaron Hotchner x Reader Rating: M Words: 9533

Irreverent Series Masterlist

There was a dull throbbing pain in your arm when you woke up the following morning - an apt reminder of the day before. Your room was cast in shadows and it was still early in the morning. The faint sound of rain could be heard outside, blanketing you with its presence. You're still laying on your side and Aaron's warm arm sits across your waist, his deep breaths gently blowing the hair at the nape of your neck.

You find yourself reaching for his hand and covering it where it lay across your stomach. You'd nearly died yesterday. Twice. You'd had a gun to the back of your head. You could barely see through the smoke. If Emily hadn't come in the nick of time, you're pretty sure he would've shot you. You hadn't had the time or space to do anything about it. You can feel your breathing get harsher as you reckon with that realization. If you'd died, Aaron - him and Jack - what about them - how would they handle it? You can feel hot tears in your eyes  and the panic caused by the entire situation rising, imagining Aaron having to go home alone to Jack - having to tell him that… The thought was far too awful to bear. Funny how dying becomes scary once we have something to lose.

"Hey, hey, sweetheart, what's wrong?"

Aaron had felt your breathing change and then felt you tremble against him. He turns you around, noticing the tears in your eyes, and pulls you to lay on top of him. Rubbing your back soothingly, he guides you through breathing regularly, reminding you that you're safe, that you're alright.

It's working. His voice and his touch are helping. You close your eyes and focus on the beating of his heart. He continues to rub your back as your breath evens out. When you finally open your eyes to look at him, his face is one of the utmost concern and you're pretty sure you're going to start crying all over again. You really hadn't meant to worry him.

"I'm sorry," you gasp out, reaching up to touch his cheek. He leans into you as he always does.  Your voice breaks as you continue, but you really need to tell him. "I'm sorry for scaring you yesterday, I'm so sorry."

"I know. I know you are." He can tell you're finally allowing yourself to deal with what happened last night. It had been all too terrifying for him to contend with. Walking away from you afterwards and directing the crew on what to do next had been an ordeal, his mind constantly on you and how you were doing. But he knew you - he trusted that you'd made the right decisions, the same decisions he would make in the situation. Prentiss had told him how you'd gone after the unsub and it wasn't any different from what any of them would have done. He couldn't truly fault you for it. When she'd told him how you'd thrown yourself on top of her however, his heart had about threatened to give out. He saw it for what it was - you doing your very best to not lose Emily again.

He helps you situate yourself back on the bed, this time facing him as you tangle your legs together and run your icy toes against his shins under his flannel pajamas, causing him to hiss. He's not sure why he's surprised, since you do this every time. He wraps himself around you, your arm slung around his stomach, as he plays with your hair because he knows it soothes you and would help you fall back asleep.

"You know I love you, right?" you ask him, your voice small and unsure, as though you're not sure if this is something you should voice. "I know I'm not the best at saying it, but I'd hate to think you didn't know that." You'd hate to die, thinking he didn't know that.

He nods, "I do." He knows you love him. He knows it's hard for you to say - that you're not used to saying it. More often than not you simply smile and kiss him when he says it to you. That doesn't mean he doesn't know. Even before he'd moved in, a subscription to the Wall Street Journal had started being delivered to your house. Jack's teachers were far more familiar with you than they were with him - the number of bake sales and booth duties you'd signed up for spoke for themselves. You hadn't given up on him yet - he knew he wasn't the easiest of partners to be with. You put up with his neurotic tendencies, you handled him when he became domineering and controlling and unyielding, you were there for him when all he needed was for someone to stay. Out of all the things you did for him and Jack, all the compromises and accommodations, that was the one thing that told him without a doubt that you loved him.

The two of you fall asleep again with his arms wrapped tight around you, your face buried into his chest and your hands bunched up tight into his shirt, unwilling to let go.

When he wakes up again, you've turned around in his arms. You can never stand to be in one position for too long and he's gotten used to you shifting every couple of hours in the night. He barely notices it anymore as you move and maneuver around him, contorting yourself to him no matter which way you decide to settle down.

He knows you're awake because you're grinding yourself into him, moving your hips against him. "Mm, don't write checks you can't cash sweetheart," he mumbles into your skin, kissing the side of your neck.

You grin. It had taken him long enough. "I'm not," you reply, continuing your movements against his growing erection. You grab his hand that's wrapped around your waist and move his hand to cup your breasts.

"You're still injured," he breathes out, stalling as if to stop your movement, though his hand instinctively squeezes your breasts, drawing a small moan from you. You were going to drive him insane.

"Then I guess you should do all the work." You turn, your lips finding his and you can feel him smile into the kiss. He's going to give in. He always does.

By the time the two of you get ready and leave your room, the rest of the team is already up. Derek gives you a knowing smirk from his spot near the window, bringing his coffee mug to his mouth right before Aaron looks at him. JJ and Spencer are at the dining table, eating the frozen waffles that Tatiana had stocked in the freezer, despite you telling them they could order anything, and both Rossi and Emily are situated on the couch, their eyes trained on the television playing the news.

You two greet everyone and JJ tells you that Penelope will be arriving soon. Her, Reid, and Derek have tickets to go catch Hamilton courtesy of your Broadway contact and you'd gotten in touch with your old friend Maeve, because you had a feeling her and Spencer would hit it off. She was joining them for the play. He'd lamented to you after the dinner party, that he was really starting to miss having someone despite never really having had someone. You could sympathize with that feeling of yearning - the kind that burrows into your bones and forces you to miss someone you don't even know yet.

Aaron watches as you go over to Emily, leaning down over the back of the couch and hugging her around her shoulders. You thank her for coming back for you yesterday and she squeezes your hand, turning to place a quick kiss to your cheek.

He hands you a coffee right as Jack calls and the two of them chat briefly before his son demands to speak with you, and you carry the phone into the bedroom, a conspiratorial smile on your face. His birthday is fast approaching and he has a feeling you and Jack have something in the works. He goes to sit by Emily and Dave, content to watch the anchor discuss the latest events in the election that is underway.

"Is she alright?" Emily asks him, her voice low so as to ensure that no one else can hear her. She had a worried look on her face as her eyes settled on the door you'd disappeared behind.

"She had a bit of a moment regarding yesterday," he reveals, looking around to make sure the rest of the team was engrossed in their individual activities. Dave was closest, however his head was bent over a notebook where he was undoubtedly documenting the latest case. "I think it was a lot and she just realized how much of a close call it was."

Emily nods understandingly. "Good. Yesterday was way too close and sometimes that fear helps us figure out what we really want. What matters."

Aaron agrees. These moments were usually a reset, coming along when he needed them most. It had happened around the time of his and Haley's divorce, when he'd nearly gotten shot and had the realization that he had a wife and young son he had to stay alive for. He'd nearly quit the team then, and while that hadn't happened for other reasons, death had a way of clarifying priorities like none other.

By the time you exit the bedroom, Penelope has arrived with dresses for both Emily and JJ. She greets you with a quick hug and thanks you for securing the Broadway tickets, before settling onto the couch with everyone else.

"This is supposed to be the best party in town all month," Penelope gushes. "I looked it up and getting on the guest list is impossible. They've got a veritable who's who of New York society. They've even got a Prince!"

"Which Prince?" JJ asks, her mouth quirked up into a smile at Penelope's obvious excitement.

"The Prince of Bulgaria."

"Oh! Markos is in town? I haven't seen him in ages!" you exclaim from your spot on Aaron's lap. Penelope had been a little surprised to see the two of you so obviously affectionate with one another, but had merely called it adorable and not made it too awkward. After last night it seemed the others were just used to it now.

"You know the Prince of Bulgaria?" Aaron asks, a slightly amused look on his face as his fingers play with the edge of the skirt you'd donned.

"Yeah, we went on a few dates to make his ex jealous," you reveal, turning slightly to look at him. "He promised me an extradition to Bulgaria, should the need ever arise."

Your explanation is met with some incredulity and laughter and the conversation goes from the party that night to the best parties of everyone's college days, meandering through the group.

Once Derek, Penelope, and Reid leave for the play, JJ declares the need for a nap and a long video chat with her boys, leaving you, Aaron, Emily, and Rossi to figure out lunch for yourselves. You leave, promising to bring something back for JJ.

Rossi's been a bit of a pain about the clubbing, claiming that he's far too old for that scene, especially once he hears that the party doesn't really get started till eleven at night. However, you promise to make it worth his while, and it might have to do with your reputation for keeping your promises or it’s the fact that you were injured yesterday and you pouted at him, that he gives in and agrees to come along without complaint.

The four of you had a leisurely lunch (you had food sent to the apartment for JJ so she wouldn't be waiting for too long) and walked through the park, talking about the upcoming holidays and everyone's plans. Aaron was onboard with your idea to take Jack to Europe for Christmas, however everyone on the team would be back in town for New Year's Eve so Rossi had decided to host at his place.

By the time you all return to the apartment, the Broadway goers were back as well, Maeve in tow. You'd been right, her and Spencer had hit it off wonderfully. They'd bonded over some obscure philosophers and were debating their work enthusiastically when you'd seen them. Maeve had to unfortunately beg off clubbing with the team for the night as she had a prior engagement, but she and Spencer exchanged numbers before she left. He got some teasing about that from Derek but overall everyone was thrilled for him. His colored face never really did return to its normal pallor the rest of the evening.

You made a large batch of coffee and encouraged everyone to drink some and take a nap, as it would be a long night ahead. This wasn't your first rodeo but it had been a while since you all had gone all night on something that wasn't a case file. You could use all the help you can get.

Everyone wanders back into the living room by the evening and you ordered dinner that would keep everyone satisfied for some time, choosing to order Thai as you knew that at some point after the club, you'd force Aaron to let you get dollar pizza even though it would upset your stomach later.

"JJ, is Henry reading on his own yet?" Penelope asks from her spot on the couch, a forkful of Pad Thai halfway to her mouth.

"Yeah, he is. Why?"

"I need to start my Christmas shopping. I figure maybe Jack and Henry might enjoy starting on the Harry Potter series if they haven't already," she explains, looking at both you and Aaron as well.

"That'd be great Pen, thanks," you tell her. Jack's started reading on his own, but either you or Aaron try to also read the books he's reading so he has someone to talk to about the story. He'd started reading the Magic Treehouse books recently and you and Aaron were switching off reading books in the series and then filling in the other person so you're both caught up on the overall plot.

"Great! It'll be fun to see which houses the kiddos want to be in," she says. Spencer agrees from beside her. You know he's been waiting for the kids to be old enough to be into the things he's into.

"As long as its not Hufflepuff," you joke, poking your tongue out at her. Penelope was a very obvious Hufflepuff.

"How very Slytherin of you," she retorts with a huff, before she looks at Aaron seated across from you and you see her eyes widen ever so slightly. "Oh! But actually Hotch would be a total Gryffindor - you two would have the Romeo and Juliet forbidden romance thing."

You laugh at that. "Nah, he'd be the hot professor I have an affair with," you joke, throwing a wink in Aaron's direction. He blushes ever so slightly and shakes his head at you, a small smile gracing his face. You're pretty sure he has no idea what the houses are - the books didn't really come out until he was an adult, by which point you doubted he'd had the time or interest. You'd just have to make sure he read them alongside Jack so he got all the references. While you'd love nothing more than to have Jack be in Slytherin too so you can gang up on Aaron, you had a feeling that in this case, it would be very much like father like son.

Everyone goes to get ready, and you're standing in your bra and underwear, going through the closet to find something to wear. Aaron walks in wearing a black shirt that he hasn't buttoned up yet, as you're sifting through the hangers, holding a dress up to your body as you look at yourself in the mirror.

"You almost ready?" he asks, glancing from the pile of rejected dresses to your dejected face reflected in the mirror.

"I think I've outgrown clubbing attire," you sigh, placing the dress to the top of the pile.

"Let me help."

Aaron moves to the other side of the closet, going through a different row of outfits while you continue on with yours and reject another few.

"What's this?" he asks, holding up a hanger with a plaid skirt and blazer.

You look at him, noting the slightly dilated pupils and how his voice had taken on the slightly deeper quality it did when it was just the two of you. Pretty sure I could get off from him just talking to me. Should try it sometime.

Smirking, you answer, "My old boarding school uniform. Should I pack that to bring back home?"

Aaron clears his throat before speaking. "That would be nice, yes." He hangs the outfit on the door to the closet so you wouldn't forget it.

That would be nice. There was something oddly endearing about the straightforwardness with which he spoke about things of this nature. You chuckle slightly, before edging towards him. "Am I going to need extra credit to pass the class, Professor Hotchner?" you ask teasingly, placing a hand to his warm chest, feeling his heart beat underneath.

Aaron rolls his eyes and huffs slightly before pecking your lips quickly. "Please. Like you'd need extra credit. You'd be the attractive grad student helping me with my research," he replies, grabbing your ass and causing you to yelp and consequently retaliate by pushing him into the wall and dragging his face down to yours.

That's what you liked about Aaron. Even for a fantasy, he wouldn't let you dumb yourself down.

*------------*

You'd managed to pick out a dress finally, and Aaron watches as you strut out of the bathroom, your hair pulled into a sleek ponytail, wearing a short emerald green dress that exposed quite a bit of leg. You'd donned tall strappy heels which he was sure you'd shed halfway through the night and insist on being carried by him. You might like feeling tall but you really hated being in heels for too long.

"So?" you ask, doing a quick twirl for his benefit.

"You look amazing," he tells you, grabbing your hand and spinning you around once more, before bringing it to his lips and sending little butterflies through your stomach. It was kind of astonishing that he could still have that effect on you with the smallest of gestures.

He keeps your hand in his as the two of you exit your room and join the others. JJ was the only one missing as she was making a final good night call to Henry and Will. You let go of Aaron to go rummage around at the bar and gathered up enough shot glasses for everyone.

"We're doing shots!" Emily exclaims, noticing what you're setting and coming around to help you.

"We're doing shots?" Derek groans, looking at you with some amount of trepidation.

"Yes, of course. We're all going clubbing together for the first time. We have to do this right," you tell him, pouring tequila into every glass and setting it on the counter. "Since when did you become an old man?"

"I promise to be extra slutty if you get me drunk enough," Penelope jokes, grabbing a glass and passing one along to both Spencer and Derek.

You pour out a shot of juice and hand that to JJ when she returns, and then quickly congregate everyone in the center of the living room, a shot of tequila in everyone else's hand.

Rossi clears his throat and raises his glass. "Here’s to cheating, stealing, and drinking. May you cheat death, steal hearts, and always drink with me."

With a resounding chorus of Here Here you raise your shot glass and tip it back quickly. Aaron has his arm wrapped around your waist and he squeezes you when he sees you make a face at the taste. You look over to see his mouth pulled up in amusement and you can't help the smile that breaks out on your face despite the harsh taste in your mouth.

*------------*

Your photographer friend, Terry, had sent a limo to pick everyone up, and Aaron had seen the visible change in you as the car pulled up to the club. It was deafeningly loud outside and the flash of cameras could be seen everywhere. Morgan opens the door and exits first, helping the other girls out one by one, following by Reid and Rossi. Aaron looks back at you - you're sitting incredibly straight, your jaw is locked, and your eyes closed - he recognizes it as your way of preparing yourself for the onslaught. He reaches out and squeezes your hand. Opening your eyes, you smile slightly at him, indicating for him to exit first.

He steps out and is met with a sea of cameras and people. He turns back and offers you his hand, which you grab, before delicately standing up and out of the back of the car. Your face breaks out into a wide smile, your eyes big and sparkling. If he didn't know you better, he'd think it was real.

The rest of the team has already walked past a red carpet outside the entrance to the club. There was a line wrapped around the other side - people waiting to enter the club while cars of socialites arrived and had their photo taken, bypassing the line.

Aaron lets you walk ahead, and as you approach the red carpet, the calls of your name get louder and louder. There are lights flashing all around and you easily pose for photographers, smiling graciously and waving hello to people you recognize. He can't help but feel proud of you for handling this so well.

You spin and smile, doing your best to stay in the moment. Aaron is standing to the side, waiting for you to be done with the obligatory photographs. You can't help but be grateful to him for putting up with this - this entire thing was so entirely out of his wheelhouse that you'd half expected him to beg out entirely and go do something else with Rossi for the night. You hadn't expected him to tag along with you to a club opening and actually seem happy about being there.

You reach out to Aaron, indicating for him to join you for a quick photo. You're both dressed up and you didn't want to miss the chance of grabbing a picture of the two of you together - it was already such a rare occurrence. To your surprise, he actually joins you, placing his hand on your waist and smiling at you. He doesn't look at the cameras. He looks only at you.

Before he can talk himself out of it, he's grabbed you firmly by the waist and dipped you backwards, his lips meeting yours.

You couldn't believe it, Aaron had tipped you back, his warm lips meeting yours and for a moment the entire world is you two. There's no one else - no people screaming, no cameras, nothing but his hands around your waist holding you up and his lips married to yours in the sweetest of kisses.

As he pulls you back up, your heart threatens to beat out of its cage and you know you must have a dazed look on your face as you look up at him. He seems just as surprised by his actions as you, and you can't help the laugh that escapes you.

The two of you join the rest of the team. Your group is led inside to a private table and you speak briefly with the club owner whom you recognize but can't quite place.

The party is in full swing and the dance floor is positively crowded with people. You all squeeze into the seating area and Emily is quick to flag down a waitress to help out with drinks.

"Alright, well I came here to dance, and since I'm not drinking I expect the rest of you to drink my share," JJ says, standing and reaching for Penelope, who knocks back the shot in her hand before allowing herself to be led to the dance floor.

"Come on pretty boy. We better keep an eye on them." Derek drags Spencer with him and the two of them join the girls on the dance floor.

"You coming?" Emily asks, standing to dance as well.

"In a bit. You go ahead," you nod, indicating towards the spot where Spencer is embroiled in a JJ and Penelope sandwich while Derek does his best to avoid being approached by too many eager women. "Go save Derek."

She laughs, swaying as she stands, and walks over to join him.

You cross yours legs and lean into Aaron's side, still somewhat reeling from the kiss earlier outside. You can't help but love this side of Aaron - you'd feared that these parts of your life were entirely incompatible with him, but seeing him stride over and stand to take a few photos with you and be so publicly affectionate makes you think that maybe - just maybe - the two aren't as incompatible as you'd once thought. Not that this would be something that Aaron would want on a daily basis but you now knew that he could handle it in small doses.

"Alright kid," Rossi says, taking a sip of his scotch, "I think you promised to make this worth my while. And while seeing the little show outside was definitely a highlight," Aaron colors ever so slightly at that, "I think I'm going to need a little something more."

You chuckle, moving your hand from the crook of Aaron's elbow to come and rest comfortingly on his thigh instead. On the team, it was really only Rossi who could talk about him like that to his face.

"Go order a drink at the bar," you tell him.

Rossi raises an eyebrow at you. "We have drinks already."

"Rossi, go. Trust me. Be sure to order something straight up. Also, you don't know me."

He shakes his head, but heeds your words. Standing, he settles his drink down and turns to walk over to the bar. Aaron looks at you quizzically but you merely shake your head. You watch and wait until he has the bartender's attention.

Standing, you stride over to where Rossi is and pause until you see what you were waiting for. "Oh my god! Are you David Rossi?!"

Rossi turns at your high pitched, exaggerated valley girl voice and you can see him stifle a laugh. Instead he simply nods, so you continue, elbowing the girl who was standing next to him.

"I am such a big fan of your work! Serial killers are like, totally my obsession," you say, maintaining your fake voice and speaking far louder than necessary.

"Hm, well maybe the two of us can - "

He doesn't get to finish his sentence before the girl you'd elbowed past earlier appears on his other side and taps him on the shoulder to get his attention.

"You're an author?" she asks, her voice low and throaty, as she flutters are eyelashes and leans advantageously against the bar.

Rossi smirks at you and nods, before turning to her. You'd done your job.

You make sure to leave in a bit of a huff as though you're annoyed, and walk back to where Aaron was sat, deciding to ignore the vast span of seating available, and simply dropping yourself into his lap.

"That was impressive," he whispers into your ear, having seen the interaction at the bar go down even if he couldn't quite hear it. "But what about Strauss?"

You lean back to look at Aaron. "You do know that they aren't exclusive, right?"

He hadn't known that, and he turns to take in Rossi and the young girl who had chatted him up, leaning far closer to one another than strangers ought to. "I think I could've gone without knowing that, actually."

You laugh. "It's not for everyone."

At his raised eyebrow, you clarify, "It's not for me. I don't share."

He nods. Neither did he.

"Are you going to dance with me at some point tonight?" you ask, indicating to where the rest of the team was.

Aaron glances out at the dance floor. The median age in the room was roughly twenty five and the last time he was even near a club was when you'd gone undercover over a year ago. Watching you dance with strangers and Morgan had been one of the hardest things he'd had to do and that night had fueled quite a few of his dreams before he'd had the real thing next to him most nights.

He's realized that prior to this trip, there had been quite a few things about you and your life before the BAU that he hadn't been privy to. He knows that the reason behind it was partly due to you both - he's hesitant to ask about things you'd rather not relive, while you're reluctant to bring up parts of you that you'd let go of long ago. However, learning all of these new things about you - everything from the stalker and the photographers to how your taste in artwork had evolved and that you were an avid chess player (based on the well-worn, heavy chess set that sat on its own table in the main room of your penthouse) - all of these new things helped him better understand and truly appreciate the person he knew today. You'd conquered so much in far less years than him, dragged yourself through the dark abyss that had swallowed you in the aftermath of Julian's passing, and today stood by his side, embodying everything good he knew to be true in life.

He smiles and with a nod, he helps you get up and allows you to lead him out into the crowd. "You know I don't really grind the way the kids do, right?" he asks, his breath warm against your ear.

You turn and smile at him. "I'll do all the work."

You guide him to the middle of the crowd, allowing the two of you some cover and anonymity from your coworkers. Aaron quickly realizes the advantages of having a girlfriend who used to be a dancer, as you turn in his arms, pressing your back to his front and bringing his arms to wrap around you. The music is pounding around the two of you and the throngs of people makes it feel like one could do almost anything and it would go unnoticed. You move your hips purposefully against him, helping guide his movements as well. He buries his head into the crook of your neck, his lips traversing down the side and to your collar bone and back again, while your hands roam - across his hands, his thighs, and back around through his hair, tightening your grasp and holding him close to you. It's euphoric - the darkness, and music, the lights, and you.

*------------*

You'd managed to round up everyone - even Rossi - and made it out of the club. Penelope had to be dragged away before she could start climbing on tables, with Emily goading her on and ready to join her. A sober JJ was no match for the two of them. Derek and Spencer had to both help Penelope out, while Rossi handled Emily. You'd seen her making out with some cute guy at some point during the night, so you're mostly just glad she hadn't let Eastwood get to her too much.

No one had wanted to end the night quite yet, so the entire group was squished together into a large round booth at the bar around the corner from your place. You'd ended up here many nights when you'd been unwilling to go back to an empty apartment by yourself; Tom, the bartender, your captive audience as you regaled him with stories of the night you'd had.

You're on the outside, next to Aaron, as Derek and Reid argue about some girl who had been hitting on them both and what her intentions might have been. Penelope was of the opinion that the girl had wanted a fun night with the both of them, at which Emily - still drunk - had chimed in saying that if it was on the table, she'd take them both up on it herself. Needless to say, she should be cut off from further alcohol consumption for the night.

"We should really examine why half of our casual conversations have to do with sex," you mumble under your breath so only Aaron can hear. You're pretty sober, having drank very little once you reached the club. You're hyper aware of how different of a position you hold now versus when you'd actually been a crazy party girl.

Aaron breathes out a quiet laugh. "I reckon it's because we're always on cases and no one's getting laid enough," he murmurs back, his eyes dancing in amusement as he half listens to the conversation at the table, the other half of his mind occupied by thoughts of taking you back to the penthouse and having his way with you. Nothing like having your girlfriend rub up against you for hours and not being able to do anything about it, to push a man to the brink of frustration. His hand has quite confidently rested on your thigh, fingers grazing the inside every so often. By now, he knows very well what little things get you worked up.

You extract yourself from him and grab the empty pitchers on the table, going to grab a second round. You needed a breather from Aaron for a moment anyways. The entire night had felt like extremely drawn out foreplay and you had to pace yourself. It was always so much better when it had been built up, and Aaron was far more patient and methodical than you ever could be.

You balance the two pitchers and slowly walk back to the table. You can feel Aaron watching you as you approach, his eyes growing darker. You know the outfit is something he isn't used to. Your wardrobe from before is definitely more on the risqué side and you've felt his scrutiny all night, eyes moving slowly over every inch of you, drinking you in. The only other time you've worn so little is when it's only the two of you behind closed doors. You typically made it a point to save some things for just him.

You set the pitchers down, turning up to meet his heated gaze. You bite your lip - it was crazy how entirely turned on you were. All you wanted was to get out of the bar. Or just drag him into the restroom. You're just contemplating suggesting that as you turn to sit down, when you feel someone approaching behind you.

"Hey Cap."

Your heart falters at the sound of the deep baritone voice behind you. You turn away from Aaron, a small gasp escaping you, your eyes widening as you take in all six feet four inches of the towering man standing behind you. Wearing jeans, a fitted t-shirt, his brown leather bomber jacket slung over one arm - his very essence invading your space. It had been years.

Before you know it, you've propelled yourself up to him, arms around his neck and he is quick to wrap his arms tightly around your waist, nearly lifting you. He's warm and solid and oh so very familiar.

"John," you breathe out, as you slowly let him go, remembering the people seated at the table behind you.

He has a slight smile on his face as he releases you, that you can't help but return. "Since when did you start drinking beer?" he asks teasingly, gesturing towards the table where seven pairs of eyes are looking at the two of you with a great amount of interest.

You let out a breath of a laugh as you turn to face everyone else, a hand guiding John with you. "Guys, this is my friend John Hawthorne. John, these are my coworkers." They all smile - nodding or smiling at him. You shift closer to Aaron, placing a hand on his shoulder, "And this - "

"I'm sorry," John interrupts, "It's nice to meet all of you," he smiles politely around the table before turning to look at you, his face the picture of apology marred only by the urgency that has entered his tone. "Can we talk?" he asks, nodding towards the door leading outside.

You nod immediately, a rush of worry flowing through you. "I'll be back," you tell Aaron, your mind still slightly in shock as you feel John's warm hand at your lower back, helping guide you outside.

Aaron watches as John places his hand to your back, and as he does, Aaron's eye is caught by some writing on his hand. Just above the wrist, in a familiar black script, Aaron sees a date that he is all too familiar with. A date his lips have tasted, his fingers have traced, and his soul has imprinted into its very self. His eyes quickly move back up to you, but you've already turned away, allowing John to lead you away and out the door.

"Oh my goodness! The ass on that man!" Garcia exclaims as soon as you're out of earshot. "Who was that? Was that her special friend?" she asks, turning to Morgan. If anyone would know it would be either him or Emily and Emily looked just as intrigued as she did.

Morgan glances at Hotch quickly before nodding at Garcia, which results in a squeal that she quickly covers up - poorly - as a cough, when she catches Hotch's eye.

Prentiss - in her drunken state - hasn't quite caught on to the awkwardness that has settled on the table as everyone realizes that you had just walked out the door with the man who was - as far as they knew - your ex lover. "I would climb that man like a jungle gym," Prentiss declares loudly, knocking back the rest of her drink.

"Anyways," JJ interjects, thankfully sober, "we should figure out the plan for tomorrow - are we all going back to DC at the same time?"

With the topic of conversation sufficiently changed, Aaron's mind is free to think over what had just happened. He's figured out why the man appeared familiar. It was from the photos he'd seen from your cotillion. He hadn't been your date, he'd seemed older than you, much closer in age to Julian. However, it was unmistakably the same man. He looked at you in the same manner he had back then. The two of you had matching tattoos of your brother's birthdate. He wonders why that hasn't ever come up before - that someone else's skin is marked to mirror yours.

He feels an odd unease start to fester within him and he keeps eyeing the door, as though expecting you to walk back in - hopefully alone - any second. He knows you feel safe with this man - you would've never gone off alone with him otherwise. With every minute that passes, Aaron feels an odd pit of dread growing in his stomach, despite knowing that you're more than capable of handling yourself. It was jarring how quickly his temperament had changed - the two of you had been teasing and touching all night and he had noticed the dark spark in your eyes when you'd returned, typically a sign that he was about to like whatever came out of your mouth next, very much.

Nearly thirty minutes pass and there's no sign of you, and the team is ready to head back to the penthouse to sleep. "Aaron, why don't you go find Y/N?" Dave says kindly. Aaron had been fidgety ever since you left. "We'll handle the tab and meet you out there."

He nods, grabbing his jacket, but not bothering to put it on. You hadn't brought one and would be freezing cold in that tiny little scrap you had called a dress. He leaves the warmth of the bar and pushes open the heavy door. Just across the street, he catches sight of you and John. You're facing one another, John's jacket is draped around your shoulders, the two of you visible in silhouette, backlit by the street lamp behind.

He's about to call out your name, when John leans down and capture your lips. It's as if Aaron was watching in slow motion - it feels like it goes on forever - the image of another man's lips on yours stamping itself to the inside of his head.

The door clangs shut behind him finally, drawing both of your attentions, and Aaron sees you turn and catch him staring at you in what was probably shock, but he's never had a stroke before and it could just as easily be that.

You look at him and he can't make out your face, but you turn away and say a few more words to John, who backs away from you slightly. Aaron is unsure of how to proceed. What was the proper procedure when someone saw another man kiss their girlfriend. Was he supposed to storm over in a rage? Was he supposed to fight this man? Never before had he been confronted with the reality of such a situation. His rational side implores him to remain calm and simply wait and talk to you, while putting up a valiant fight against the demon within, who threatens to rip out from his chest and emerge into the world in order to avenge this complete betrayal.

He watches silently as you jaywalk across the street, quickly making your way towards him.

"Aaron," you begin, before you're even close enough. He's never heard his name from your mouth shaped in quite that way. It causes his stomach to twist uncomfortably and his mouth feels like cotton.

Before you can say anything further - before he can respond - the door to the bar opens again and the rest of the team comes ambling out.

Your eyes are trained on him, searching his face for something - a hint at a reaction, but he's been careful to school his expression through years of training. He can feel the fight inside him, uncertain at how he feels and doing its best to assess and analyze the situation instead of allowing himself to succumb to the baser emotions that rule his head when it comes to you. You'd left John immediately, you're back here standing in front of him and it is as though he could taste the acrid guilt flowing off of you. A part of him wants to reassure you immediately that it was alright and the two of you would talk about what happened and you would explain and everything would be fine. However, the larger part of him knows that there is more at play right now and he can't say or do anything until he knows for sure where he stands after having seen that.

"Later," he manages to get out, looking quickly from you to the team.

You would know better. Not in front of the team. Not in front of people.

You nod just barely and he can see a visible shiver run through you, having returned John's jacket to him before you crossed the street. He's reminded why he's carrying his own jacket. He walks over to you, draping it around your shoulders. He can see you almost recoil from the gesture despite how cold he knows you must be, before recalling the presence of everyone around you and thinking better of it.

Aaron looks up, over your head, and sees John still standing across the street where you'd left him. His eyes were trained on you alone.

*------------*

Aaron's jacket felt far too heavy around you. You couldn't believe what had just happened. Aaron wasn't supposed to see that. He shouldn't have seen that! You can't even imagine what he's thinking at that moment. You'd crossed the street, fully prepared to talk to him, fully prepared to explain it all away - ease his worries and soothe any concerns he had. Because you were his.

As you'd approached, you'd caught a quick second of the look in his eyes, revealing exactly how confused and betrayed he felt, before he'd slipped on the mask that hid him away from you.

You're hit with a stab - you'd hurt him.

Everyone else appearing had thrown a wrench into the immediacy of your need to talk to Aaron. He'd still put his jacket around you. Still buttoned the top button for you. He wasn't raging mad - but you knew he wouldn't be. He wasn't a reactionary sort of person, but right now that might be better than nothing, you think.

You hurt him.

He saw someone else kiss you. You know how you would've reacted if the tables were turned and yet, he was being calm. He was being calm in the way he was when he negotiates a hostage deal - overtly so to the point that nothing can shake him and all he becomes is a human risk calculator. His fury isn't a boiling rage; it's a burning frost, leaving piercing icicles in its wake.

You hurt him.

It appears most everyone had sobered up considerably as you all walk the two blocks to your place. Your hands are shaking as your mind goes a mile a minute. John hadn't known - not that that would be of much consolation to Aaron - but he hadn't. You hadn't gotten a chance to tell him about Aaron and there had been a small part of you, once you were outside with John, that didn't quite wanted to tell him. You didn't think much good would come from him knowing you were happy with someone else. You couldn't have anticipated that he would kiss you. It had happened so quickly.

Derek holds the door open for everyone as you lead the group, waving everyone past security. In the elevator, you feel Emily standing right behind you instead of Aaron. He's at the opposite corner, not looking at you, but instead looking straight ahead. You feel another sharp pang.

You hurt him.

As everyone exits the elevator, all you're hoping to do is head to your room so that you can talk to Aaron. However, you have no such luck.

"Hey, Y/N," Penelope asks softly, "was that your friend? Your friend from New York?"

You can tell she's merely curious. She doesn't know what happened. You were gone for so long, it makes sense that they'd all wonder. Sighing you turn and see that the rest of them seem just as interested in your answer as her. All with the exception of Aaron who's leaned against the wall before the hallway, leading to your bedroom. He appears entirely closed off and he doesn't so much look at you as he does look through you - like he doesn't even know you.

You hurt him.

You sigh internally, knowing you need to talk to him as soon as possible, no matter how much you're beginning to dread it now. The fifteen minutes since you'd crossed the street and approached him afterwards felt like hours ago. You can't help but race through what he must be thinking - he'd seen someone who - if Derek had helped them piece it together - he knew to be the last person you'd been with before him. It was the first time he was meeting John and he had no idea who John was really. To come upon the sight of John kissing you - knowing Aaron, he's already thought through every piece of evidence available to him and come to whichever terrible conclusion was holding him as far away from you as possible.

However, there were other people present - people who supported you, cared for you, and who were all looking at you in question. You owed them the truth about what had happened. They didn't deserve to be lied to by you.

You nod slowly, very aware of everyone's attention on you. "Yes. That was John," you say, speaking carefully. "He's a friend - he was Julian's best friend. We all grew up together. When he heard I was back in the city, he wanted to come and offer his - " you let out a breath and swallow, feeling completely overwhelmed by everything. "He wanted to offer his regards on my father's death."

That catches Derek's attention. You can see him assess your words and hone in on regards. Regards and not condolences. "You told him," he says, his voice sharp. He's not asking. He knows you did. Derek stares you down - his expression a mixture of shock and judgement that you're not used to being on the receiving end of.

You're barely able to meet his eyes, so instead you slip out of Aaron's jacket and place it on the arm of the couch, despite how cold you feel. "Yes."

"Everything?" Emily asks, her face a mix of worry and the struggle to focus as she tries to comprehend what's happening through the haze of tequila still clouding her brain.

You nod again, feeling pinprick tears in your eyes that you're quick to dismiss. Only three other people in the world besides you knew what that meant, and they were all in that room. Now there was one more name on that list. You can't look at Aaron. You can't stand to see the disappointment in his face. Not right now. Not on top of everything.

"That was a classified case." Derek's voice holds the tinge of accusation.

You look from him to the rest of them. Rossi, Reid, JJ, and Penelope appear a little bit confused at Emily's question and you hope they won't think about it too much. Rossi probably suspects. You've often thought that he knows the truth about how your father died. Derek stands very tall, intimidatingly so. Emily is worried. You know she doesn't care if you told. Aaron won't look at you, his face betraying nothing.

You look around the room at all of them. They'd all risked their lives on that case. Emily, Derek, and Aaron had completely covered for you and helped you escape the worst of the aftermath of your father's death. Had they not helped you - covered for you - you definitely wouldn't be in the Bureau right now. They'd all kept a terrible secret for you and you had never once been investigated as a result.

It had been entirely different from when Aaron had killed Foyet despite his surrender - Aaron had brunt the professional consequences and nearly lost his job because of it. It had only been due to the committee understanding the charged nature of the event, combined with Aaron's otherwise impeccable reputation, that he had been allowed to stay. His had been in the heat of the moment while his dead wife lay in the other room. You had planned your killing.

You look at Derek and find yourself nodding. It was time for you to stop getting away with stuff - using people to shield you from the rightful reckoning. No one in the room should have to suffer through the culpability of protecting you. They didn't owe you that. If anything, your past indiscretions had proven you to be entirely undeserving of it.

"I know. I don't expect any of you to keep this quiet," you say, your voice shaking ever so slightly, hands bunched into tight fists. Steeling yourself, you continue, "John was the only person I had after Julian - the only person who also knew the truth and who was just as affected by his death as I was. He was there for me when I had absolutely no one. I felt like he deserved to know. However, I cannot expect the rest of you to either share my view on the matter or expose yourself to retribution for keeping this quiet. You should tell Strauss if you are at all uncomfortable with this."

As you finish, you look around the room. Your words have rendered all of them into a dumbfounded silence. They cannot understand how you could so plainly ask them to turn you in for your actions. However, they're unaware of the dam of  guilt that had overflowed within you earlier when you'd caught sight of Aaron. Your actions - against him, against the team, against the Bureau - were entirely reprehensible. Whether they were intentional or not was of little concern. You would welcome punishment - not for the sake of penance, but because you deserved to suffer the consequences of your actions for once in your life.

You're unable to look at Aaron again. Usually you can see his love and adoration for you clearly in his profoundly brown eyes; his eyes were empty now. You couldn't bring yourself to look at him and be met by vacant eyes that left you feeling cold - your heart would splinter at the sight.

"Sugar," Penelope starts, breaking the silence and walking towards you slowly, the way one would with a frightened animal. Her voice is calm and soothing, designed to draw you in and allow her to help you. "No one here is going to say anything to Strauss. We trust you."

You want to recoil from her, the thrumming of blood pumping through your veins entirely too loud in your ears. "Don't do that," you tell her. "Do not make excuses for me. Do not make exceptions for me. I did something that could potentially endanger all of you. It would not be fair to expect you to keep this quiet for me."

Penelope stalls on her way towards you, uncertain of how to proceed. She looks around at the rest of them, the only sound in the room stemming from the air conditioning turning on and the sound of your harsh breathing as you try your best to compose yourself and keep from caving in under the weight of your own judgement.

It's Rossi who speaks next, after looking around at the room, for a consensus - his eyes honed in on Aaron, standing uncharacteristically apart from you and silent in the face of your confession. "Family's the people you make exceptions for, kid," he says kindly, his mouth quirking up in a half smile as he walks past Penelope towards you.

You watch him approach. Family's the people you make exceptions for. Family.

You look around at all of them - Derek, JJ, Emily, Spencer, Penelope - they all nod with him, even through their initial concerns and questions. They'd all seen you throw yourself at the mercy of the guillotine and they'd said no. Not a single one of them would allow that - not while they were around. You were theirs to protect.

A quiet sob escapes you, despite your efforts to keep it in. Your eyes are clouded by tears as Penelope reaches you and tucks you into her, wrapping her arms around you in a tight hug. One by one, they all approach you, offering a quick hug or a smile - reassuring you that it would be alright. They had your back, no matter what.

You're not sure you're deserving of such faith and trust from all of them.

"I think it's time we all went to bed," Rossi says quietly, as soon as Spencer lets go of you.

Everyone agrees and they all make their way down the hallway towards the bedrooms. Rossi lingers in the hallway for a moment, looking at both you and Aaron, a concerned look on his face, before he too opens the door to his bedroom and closes it behind.

If the rest of them had noticed Aaron's complete absence for your admission and subsequent plea, they hadn't let on. He'd stayed against the wall the entire time - through all of it, never once approaching you like the others.

It's just the two of you left now in the living room. You force yourself to look up to meet his eyes, but you don't get the chance to force words out of your mouth before he looks away. He turns and heads down the hallway, and you watch as he opens the door to the bedroom and enters, leaving the door open behind him.

You hurt him.

[blitzturtles]

Title: It Starts Like This, Ch. 6

Rating: Teen and Up

Fandom: JoJo's Bizarre Adventure: Vento Aureo

Pairing(s): BruAbba, FugoNara / NaraFugo (Could be platonic, honestly, tho the BruAbba definitely isn't.)

Summary: “What?” he snaps.

“I’m just thinking.”

A pause. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

Notes: Turns out being dead has a bit of a long term effect. Who would have thought?

This fic got away from me, so I'm breaking it down by character interaction (sort of). Here's another Bucci-centric chapter for the Bucci-centric fic.

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8

Additional Notes: Sometimes having two disabled folks in one relationship is... rough. Not at all based on real life experiences...

Content Warning: couple fighting and a panic attack.

Also, for unnecessary clarification: Moody doesn't zipper through anything. Abbacchio goes around barriers and resets her timer as needed. Oh, and I use she/her for Moody. I've got a fic planned for that eventually.

There's also a mild mention of a headcanon I have where Bucci is technically Narancia's guardian. For school and healthcare purposes. (Fugo emancipated post-disownment, and Giorno kind of flies under the radar.)

-

Bucciarati won’t admit it, but there’s something devastating about the first medication not working. Or not working well enough. They can’t be sure, but he’s not willing to continue on something that ultimately failed to curb such a traumatic experience for one of the people he cares for most. He can’t quite shake the guilt that’s been slowly wearing away at him for days.

It’s only the anxiety of having another seizure in front of his famiglia that has him permitting Abbacchio staying home once more. He can’t do that to Narancia again, and he knows that it won’t be any less stressful for the rest of them. It’s bad enough when Leone has to deal with the fallout, but he’s better prepared for it. He’s seen worse, and it’s part of what they both signed up for. For better or worse, in sickness and in health. They’ve done everything but scribbled their names on the paperwork to make it official, but Bruno thinks that, with everything else they’ve gone through, they’ve more than earned their right as one another’s life partner.

Still, that doesn’t mean that Bucciarati likes to be watched like a lab experiment. With eyes that are waiting for the slightest hint that something’s wrong. It makes him acutely aware of the fact that he could have another seizure at any given moment. That he might have one with no warning signs, or at least not any that he’d recognize as such.

That’s the problem with auras; he can’t seem to recognize them for what they are.

He’s being unreasonable, he knows. He hasn’t had enough seizures to know whether or not he’ll learn to recognize the warning signs, but it feels like it’s been an eternity already. And a thousand seizures, rather than a small handful. Part of that is due to how poorly he feels afterwards, and how off he feels on the medication. Part of it is how all of this has disrupted their lives in every way imaginable. And all of it has him in a sour mood.

“You’re upset,” Abbacchio starts with a frown. It’s the first time either of them has spoken all morning.

“I’m frustrated.”

Abbacchio hums in response. A quiet sound that wouldn’t normally grate Bucciarati’s nerves, but it gets under his skin and festers.

“What?” he snaps.

“I’m just thinking.”

A pause. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“You never want to talk about it,” Abbacchio answers, snappish and untrue. Even if it were, he knows why. Understands better than anyone else.

Bruno’s eyes widen slightly. A startled, wounded look evident in his blue irises, but his gaze hardens and he sneers,

“You’re right. I don’t.”

“Bruno, wait--”

But Bruno is already gone with nothing but a trace of gold left behind.

Damn that stand.

______

It’s a childish thing, to storm off, especially when Bucciarati knows that Leone’s only worried. That he hadn’t meant the words that came out of his mouth, and that he’s as scared as Bucciarati is. That this is all out of his depth, regardless of what they feel for one another or what promises they’ve made. It’s still terrifying the way it’s terrifying to watch Abbacchio cough up blood some mornings.

He regrets leaving the moment he stops moving. Stops tearing holes through walls and leaving Sticky Fingers to put them back together. It’s like someone punched the air out of him, and all he can do is sink to the ground, on his knees, with his head held in his hands and his mouth open, gasping for air.

Each breath comes too quick, and leaves before he feels like he gets any air. There’s something wrapped around his chest. Too tight, and somehow pulling tighter. It’s all he can do to lie down. Before the next inevitable comes. He already feels too light-headed with a lingering dizziness that makes it impossible to think through.

“Bruno,” the voice sounds familiar. Too much like his own echoing in his ears, but he’s not talking, much less calling his own name. His voice wouldn’t sound like that. Wouldn’t sound steady, if not worried, but, when he looks, there’s a mirror image of himself looking down at him. It falls to its knees, and a familiar sound rings out in the air as Moody’s timer runs out. She reaches for him as purple wraps around her frame once more.

“Bruno,” Leone repeats, this time in his own voice, from his own body. He all but collapses on his knees beside his stand and reaches out with careful hands to brush Bucciarati’s hair from his face.

Time freezes for a moment. Bucciarati expects consciousness to flee him without warning, but the air lingers. Stale and stiff and impossible to breathe, and all he can do is try and try to pull enough of it into his lungs to try to chase away the spots dancing across his vision.

Recognition flashes across Leone’s features. Where his hand has gone still in Bruno’s hair, it moves once more. A gentle carding. A distraction from the racing fears in Bucciarati’s head. He can’t calm his breathing no matter how hard he tries. It feels completely out of his control, and he doesn’t know what to do.

“Hey, are you listening to me?” Leone asks him seemingly out of the blue, but he knows that’s not right. That Leone must have been talking since his arrival, but Bruno can’t recall a word that’s been said.

“Yes,” he breathes, because he is now, and he meant to before. It’s just so hard to hear anything past the roaring in his ears.

“You need to calm down a little bit. Take some deep breaths,” Leone tells him, as if Bucciarati hasn’t been trying to do that since he stopped moving. There’s a sense of impending doom that lingers, pressing down on him until it��s crushing and unbearable.

“Hey,” Leone calls, tapping Bruno gently on the forehead, “You gotta focus on me, alright? Stop listening to whatever’s going on in that thick head of your’s, and listen to me. I need you to breathe in-- slower than that. Okay, good, hold-- now out. Annnd in--” They go through the steps several more times, until Bucciarati can successfully follow the counts more often than not. Finally-- finally he can breathe. Oxygen filters through his system, and his vision begins to clear. It’s only then that he starts to put the pieces together, and it’s shame that replaces the panic.

“I’m-”

“Don’t,” Leone cuts Bruno off before he can apologize. “I get it.” He moves to catch Bruno when he wobbles a bit too much upon trying to sit up. “Take it easy, will you?” He sighs and sits back.

“Sorry,” Bruno says, for lack of anything else to say.

“I’ll kick your ass if you apologize again.”

Bruno opens his mouth, and Leone quirks an eyebrow. It’s enough of a threat, empty as it may be, to convince Bruno to click his teeth together.

Leone huffs a sound that might be a laugh. Or it might be the last of his sanity slipping away. He scrubs his hands over his face and sighs. “I’m sorry. For what I said earlier. That was shitty. I’m just-”

“Scared?”

“Terrified.”

“That’s fair,” Bruno muses quietly. He absently wipes at his face, and it’s the first time he realizes that there are tears there. Streaking down both cheeks and plentiful in nature. He can’t remember the last time he had a panic attack. He’s better at running from his problems than he is dealing with them head on. At least the ones emotional in nature. The rest he’s always tackled with little more than a hope and a prayer to a deity he’s long lost faith in. “I’m sorry, too.”

“I told you to stop apologizing.”

“When have I ever listened to you?” Bruno snarks back, shoulders relaxing slightly.

Leone snorts, “Not a day in your life.” Bruno has the scars to prove it, too. Bastard. “C’mon. Let’s get off the floor. I’m getting too old for this.”

It’s Bruno’s turn to laugh this time, “You’re barely in your twenties.”

“And I’m too goddamn old. Up,” Leone pushes himself to his feet before reaching his hands out to pull Bruno upright. There’s a pause where the two are lost, staring at one another, and Leone decides ‘fuck it’. What better time to go for a kiss then after your partner has a full on panic attack? They’ve done worse with far more questionable timing.

Bruno responds to the kiss with a pleased little sound in the back of his throat. He tugs Leone closer, wanting the contact more than anything. He can feel Leone’s hands cradling the back of his head, fingers linking together at his nape.

“Gross! Get a room!”

Leone curses as they break apart and shoots Narancia the meanest look he can, “I will murder you.”

“Only if you catch me!” And the kid is off before Leone can even respond.

Bucciarati can’t help laughing at the whole display. He grabs for Leone’s hand before his partner can seriously consider killing Narancia. “May I remind you that I’m legally responsible for him?”

“They won’t find the body.”

“Leone!”

[zirkkun-uthcs]

Misc. General Headcanons

This will include every other character that doesn’t have enough alternates to have its own post or its own AU page. If you’re looking for a specific one, please use CTRL+F to search for the character, due to the length of this list. Reminder as well that most of this information is entirely headcanon. If there’s canon information that I’ve messed up somewhere on this, please let me know so I can fix it and adjust accordingly!

Please note: Any of the younger characters on this list will have headcanons based on an older version of themselves. 

Undertale

Flowey Nickname/s: None Date of Birth: ??? Height: 1′6″ / 46 cm Gender: cisman Pronouns: he/him Sexuality: aromantic / asexual

+ despite lacking a SOUL, there are still some things he can feel with Determination instead + doesn’t like to Reset or Save very often if he doesn’t have to, since he knows it doesn’t FULLY reset anything in the timeline without a True Reset + his body has not aged physically, otherwise his flower body would have probably died or wilted at this point; instead, it’s given a life force by his monster dust

character tag

Napstablook Nickname/s: Blooky Date of Birth: ??? Height: 3′6″ / 107 Gender: non-binary Pronouns: they/them Sexuality: aromantic / asexual

+ tries to be confident in their music, but finds it really hard when they’re alone and the only people who’ve listened to it in Waterfall find it ear-bleeding + their lack of self-confidence comes from the fact that they lost all of their friends and family, and even when finding out Mettaton was their cousin, they can’t help but feel worthless he never told them about leaving + doesn’t understand compliments entirely; will react with confusion

character tag

Undyne Nickname/s: None Date of Birth: ??? Height: 6′10″ / 208 cm Gender: ciswoman Pronouns: she/her Sexuality: homoromantic / homosexual

+ the friend who will make fun of your silly hat but then beat up anyone else who tries to + is shockingly a talented barista; once taught how to use the different machines, she’ll pick it up in an instant + has managed to burn water at some point in the past

character tag

Mew Mew Nickname/s: None Date of Birth: ??? Height: 5′7″ / 170 cm Gender: transwoman Pronouns: she/her Sexuality: panromantic / asexual

+ likes a plethora of different kinds of outfits, but finds dresses to be the most comfortable to wear, so she wears them most often + acts a bit like a spoiled brat in many ways; refuses to acknowledge it + a bit of a money hoarder/gold digger similar to Muffet

character tag

Alphys Nickname/s: None Date of Birth: ??? Height: 3′11″ / 119 cm Gender: ciswoman Pronouns: she/her Sexuality: panromantic / pansexual

+ falls for people really easily and this is to her personal detriment, so she tries to focus it all on fictional characters + is horrible with flowers and other plants; they tend to die pretty quickly in her care + notoriously bad at picking out gifts for people, but that doesn’t stop her from buying like forty or so for someone

character tag

Muffet Nickname/s: None Date of Birth: ??? Height: 3′11″ / 119 cm Gender: ciswoman  Pronouns: she/her Sexuality: panromantic / demisexual

+ used to be a ghost, but one day possessed a spider-like doll in order to support the spiders of the Underground + can make good food out of just about anything -- even things that don’t seem edible + is really friendly when you get to know her, but can seem really abrasive with threatening-sounding jokes

character tag

Asgore Nickname/s: None Date of Birth: ??? Height: 8′0″ / 244 cm Gender: cisman Pronouns: he/him Sexuality: polyromantic / polysexual

+ talks to his flowers in the garden as a way of letting go of the stress on his mind + low-key terrified of echo flowers both because he doesn’t like the idea of the flowers speaking back to him, and he’s scared people will hear the rants he’s told his flowers in the castle when he sees them + any time he comes across some extra money, he’ll donate it to either someone in need or a charity

character tag

Asriel Nickname/s: None Date of Birth: ??? Height: 6′0″ / 183 cm Gender: cisman Pronouns: he/him Sexuality: grey-romantic / asexual

+ tries to make up for what he did as Flowey by doing as many good things as he can, especially for those he wronged + coping with divorced parents alongside his own, unrepaired trauma from originally losing Chara has left him fairly emotionally weak and he still considers himself as a “crybaby” because of it + takes it more personally than he should when someone doesn’t like him

character tag

Underswap

Asgore Nickname/s: Gardener Date of Birth: ??? Height: 8′0″ / 244 cm Gender: cisman Pronouns: he/him Sexuality: demiromantic / bisexual

+ keeps the Ruins looking almost solarpunk in a way, where there are well-kept plants and flowers in every part + is a big stress-cleaner; whenever he starts to freak out about something, he’ll just start sweeping or dusting or tending to his plants + is only a little bit better of a baker than UT!Asgore; still has many different kinds of pie recipes

character tag

Alphys Nickname/s: Axel Date of Birth: ??? Height: 3′11″ / 119 cm Gender: ciswoman Pronouns: she/her Sexuality: homoromantic / homosexual

+ secretly adores cutesy anime, despite her tough outer appearance + she has very high pain tolerance and extremely tough skin; if someone were to punch her, they’re more likely to hurt themself + will casually use an axe to chop food

character tag

Undyne Nickname/s: Scy Date of Birth: ??? Height: 6′10″ / 208 cm Gender: ciswoman Pronouns: she/her Sexuality: panromantic / pansexual

+ prefers action anime to romance or magical girls; her favorite is Kill la Kill + is more critical of things like animation and art direction than character writing and development + has a plethora of plushies on hand for the sake of Toriel

character tag

Napstaton Nickname/s: Napsta, NTT Date of Birth: ??? Height: (box) 5′5″ / 165 cm (android) 6′2″ / 188 cm Gender: transman Pronouns: he/him Sexuality: biromantic / demisexual

+ has a much clearer voice than Mettaton in UT because of the fact he does singing and rapping + personally asked for the white hair so he could be a white-haired anime boy + while he didn’t tell Metacrit where he was going was he left, he did tell them that he was leaving, unlike Mettaton.

character tag

[inloveforevr]

Things you do to feel productive?

I always make a to do list, whether its for work or for the weekend. it helps me stay focused and i LOVE ticking things off. I make a checklist most days to prevent me from getting overwhelmed. I try and check it off by figuring out when I work best, e.g. for work when I have a deadline approaching, I will do it when I am most energised, and that is typically mid afternoon. Since it is Winter, by the time the sun sets I feel a little slumped so I try to do little tasks in the evening. I dedicate my evenings to resting, hobbies, watching YouTube videos, spending time w my family and cooking. On weekends I do like little home tasks - cleaning, painting, watching tv 2 rest, relax, and reset 4 the week ahead. Also focus on one task at a time - e.g. if you are studying for one topic, focus on that, rather than thinking about the next task. Try and stay mindful of your energy in the present moment. Thinking about the past or future will keep you stuck. Daily planning helps me feel productive because I know I am taking care of my responsibilities and taking care of my mental health which is my number 1 priority while working and living thru a pandemic. 

Now I’m 22, I’ve let go of the feeling that productivity means constantly doing things! like,,,,, i Just cannot its physically impossible. Grind culture is harmful.....I always remind myself that I need to listen to my needs first and 2 let go of any expectations I have. Some days I feel so energised I work, cook, work out and everything and some days I feel like I have no energy 2 do anything and on those days I especially try hard 2 not place an expectation on myself. I don’t abide by my to do list religiously because i know life happens and sometimes I won’t be able to complete every single thing. Also living thru a pandemic means these days happen a bit more often - so patience, understanding & compassion for yourself is especially important.

Also there’s a fine balance between productivity and resting. Try and figure out what productivity means to you? I think social media has a big influence on how we see productivity. At times it encourages you to sacrifice your needs to gain ‘success’ and appear productive.  I think its important 2 recognize where your urge 2 be productive comes from? like......critically analysing....why do i I NEED to be productive? Always look at the bigger picture. This is more like psychoanalysing your thoughts.....but it helps you figure out the root ? sometimes there may be something blocking you mentally from being productive. It’s always important 2 address that. 

Also I think when you figure out your motivation to be productive it can help carry you. I mean the key word here is discipline. E.g.....I exercise and I know logically it will make me feel better and i love feeling that my body is getting stronger so this reasoning makes me want 2 workout. Having discipline will help you way more than relying on motivation which tbh is fleeting. 

Which leads onto my next point nicely. Routine. Developing a routine will help you become productive. Always incorporate nice things into your routine, like a nice cup of tea in the morning, making your favourite recipe for lunch, rewarding yourself when you’ve ticked something off your checklist, giving yourself breaks, reflecting on what you have achieved. Sometimes we can feel like we r not doing ‘enough’ but in reality we are working SO hard and it is so so important to acknowledge that.

So in conclusion......weekly/daily checklists, compassion 4 self, discipline, and developing a routine will help you be productive. 

Taking care of your mental/physical health is KEY. also final point, don’t let your productivity define your existence. Hope this helped !!! 

[mimiplaysgames]

A Good Defense

Pairing: Aqua/Xemnas Rating: T Word Count: 4,996

Summary: She hasn’t been the only person in twelve years to be wasted by darkness and left to pick up the remains alone. It only takes meeting a familiar face on a dangerous stranger for her to realize this.

Read on AO3

Notes: Made for the @khrarepairszine​!! Surprise, surprise, I’m sure some of you have never expected me to venture here. This was actually a cancelled fic but this zine gave me an opportunity to bring life back to it again (which is good, what I cancel always threatens me in my sleep). It was tricky writing through a slow burn in such a short amount of words but I hope it’s enjoyable! Special thanks to @lyssala for beta-reading this and holding my hand every time I was insecure about this piece. Also to my boyfriend - without him, I would have made a fool of myself.

***

Day One ~*~

“You can keep it.”

Her answer starts slow and ends with a hiss, and the enigma sitting on a tall, white throne narrows his eyes - it lasts for a mere moment, a smirk drawing on the edge of his lips and she swears he’s thinking to himself that he has something valuable.

Two can play that game. 

This is their first meeting, two days after she is discovered on the banks of a beach at night, after someone gives her a black robe to wear and leather gloves to cover the red tips of her fingers, after another introduces her to a familiar face stolen by a stranger. 

And he had the audacity to try and give her a new name.

“I am Master Aqua to you,” she says like there’s an expectation to introduce herself as such, and it comes out like an audio recording because after so many years it sounds weird to say. She’s seen herself in the mirror since coming here. She knows how much she’s changed. 

“Master Aqua,” he repeats, slowly, as though he likes to hear himself pronounce the syllables. His smile is foreign. “What is in a name, but a powerful congruence of will and faith?”

It’s enough of an introduction and she decides she can’t stand this guy. It’s wrong, he smiles wrong and for someone who thinks so little of such things, he calls himself Xemnas; not a name that should be worn with a face like his.

Day Thirteen ~*~

He catches her wandering the castle by herself, doing nothing but avoiding everyone else - particularly him. It’s hard enough to look at his face without having ugly reminders. 

“So neglectful of your commands,” he says simply.

True. She’s been traveling on her own, keeping her hood up and dropping clues to other doe-eyed Keyblade wielders on how they can free Ventus from his deep sleep.

Not because she wants them to know who she is and not because she wants to join anyone who has abandoned her. Ventus will have to suffer enough disappointment with how long she’s taken already, there’s no need to prolong it.   

Either way, anything to do with Ventus trumps whatever dumb shit and other shenanigans this Organization tries to throw at her - looking for missing boxes, babysitting princesses, it goes on. Xemnas has even commanded her on a mission to retrieve Ventus from his hiding spot. Her answer: never. 

“You can’t make me care about them,” she says with a click of her tongue, too lazy to shrug with both shoulders. 

“The cost of such defiance is steep.” His voice is deep and it rumbles even when it sneaks, startling and unnerving like a candle being snuffed out. 

It doesn’t take a day to understand what Xemnas is capable of, and immediately she stiffens to prepare an attack, battle tactics and back-up plans coursing through her mind in case he pulls out his sabers against her. She’s still a force to be reckoned with, and he’s an idiot if he’s feeling testy.

Still… It’s not something a face like his would ever say to her. Should ever say. She wants to lunge forward and slap him, lose control and pull the real him out of his body, give him one thousand long lectures about what it was like to wait for him in the darkness, to chase him around worlds, to spend years worrying about him.

“Don’t speak to me that way,” she keeps, her voice as low as it can get before it turns to a whisper.

Xemnas smiles and she almost spits that he should entertain himself rather than bother her. 

Entertaining himself indeed, every smile he gives has a double meaning and she’s only lucky to be able to guess what correctly. Otherwise, his eyes act like nothing but glass, doing their best at mimicking. 

… It’s a wonder how he does it.

His lackeys give her a lot of comments of what it’s supposed to be like. How a Nobody feels, what her responsibilities are, how to connect to her powers, what to believe, what to expect out of Kingdom Hearts and when. Yes, she has yellow eyes just like the rest of them but that means nothing. It’s only because she’s angry.

Angry enough that she stews in between the grinding of her teeth when he lets her words slide off of him like it doesn’t matter. A perfect Nobody in every sense of the word, non-feeling, non-caring, un-attached… he therefore feels no pain and so he is free. Where does he hide the secrets to achieving such a high?

Xemnas draws a hand in the air, conjuring a dark corridor. “Come, Master Aqua.” 

There’s a lot to fear in obeying him, one of which is enduring whatever punishment he’s decided for her. Not that there is a trace of threat in his voice, he’s just mostly amused. Perhaps the worst that would happen is finding out he’s just as bad company as the rest of them. Perhaps not.

She pushes the thought to the back of her mind that she shouldn’t follow a man with no hobbies.

Day Fifteen ~*~

He likes to hear himself talk.

The field trips are a nice distraction but she often finds herself tuning him out when he gets too involved in overblown monologues. She doesn’t spare this kind of time with the other Organization members - she instead follows other Keybearers to make sure they get her messages about Ventus. When he drones on about subjects too big for anyone, she’s afraid to name what she’s looking for in him. 

Maybe if she pays enough attention, she’ll find that she’s walking by herself in Twilight Town, leaving him behind at a booth selling souvenirs.

It’s a strange thing to witness Xemnas show interest in something other than the moon. He usually keeps the other members at a far distance, where talks of what he’s like as a person are no more than rumors, and there is a certain… intimacy in being allowed to see him like this. 

“A camera?” she asks when he picks one up, equipped with a neck strap and zoom lens, listening to the man behind the counter sell the idea that film photography is superior and can truly capture things as they are. 

“As a matter of fact…” Even when he’s teasing, he’s monotone. 

At least it’s a healthier pastime for him than sulking.

With his new toy, Xemnas requests a trip on the city trolley, over the sea and up a hill, until they reach a park and watch the sun bathe the entire city in a warm glow. Despite the sun’s reach, she’s cold, pulling on her sleeves to cover more of her wrists, hugging herself because even in thick leather, she shivers. Still, it’s quite a romantic little town, peaceful and vibrant. Nothing like this has ever existed in the Realm of Darkness.

“Does the view please you?” he asks, aiming the lens toward the horizon.

“I don’t care for the ocean.”

It reminds her of sinking, the water frigid and lonely where it’s too hard to swim up.

Learning how to use the camera is slow for him at first. The man has incredible focus though, and she can see the gears in his mind turning as he fumbles with the settings, twisting the lens, turning the flash on and off. 

That’s the thing with him, that mind never stays quiet even when he is.

“What are you doing all that for? Art?” she snickers - obviously that could never be the reason.

“This world exists in-between… a ghost warped by the conflict of polarity, both standing in the light yet hidden in shadow. It will not continue to endure after the War. But now I have proof of its existence.”

“So you’re keeping a record for science,” she scoffs. “Such a civil servant.”

Her own words eat her up. A servant to the public would be locked in battle with him, doing all that it takes to put a stop to his very existence, and here she is, by his side, watching him study his camera the same way she used to study her books growing up.

It makes her wonder why a man so enraptured by the clicks of his machine would be so willing to walk into the fire once the end of the world comes. 

“Why don’t you care about being swallowed by Kingdom Hearts?” she asks, half-expecting a lie as a response. 

The question pulls his attention away. “Only a suffered soul abandons purpose.”

Of course, she should have known than to hope for a straightforward answer. 

Finding a bench to sit on, she listens to him click away, each one blanketed by a pause as he adjusts ever so slightly, moving his frame from the town far below to the clock tower far away. This is familiar, like watching a close friend try his best to understand the secrets of a Keyblade, eyes lost in thought, focus spearheaded onto one thing and one thing only.

“A picture is a moment trapped in ink,” he says. “Here, a piece to take with me.”

“Where to?” 

“Kingdom Hearts,” he says and it makes his breath swell. “To wherever we shall go when the time comes. When all memory erases and we reset, in a space somewhere my existence will linger so long as I have a memory to hold onto.”

It’s not something she really thought about - him wanting to have something to possess. These people, these Nobodies, give their free will up to Xehanort’s influence, to reduce themselves to puppets. It never occurred to her that the others might have something they cherish and want to keep as well, no matter the reason why they chose to walk this path and give themselves up like this.

“It is beautiful, is it not?” he asks.

If he means the ocean, it used to be. 

She cocks an eyebrow. “That’s something that moves you?” 

He takes a seat on the bench in front of her, the camera treasured in his hands. “I am only missing a heart, not a mind. Opinions are privileged to me... What we will leave behind here is graceful, as damning as that is.”

“Hmph.” Listening to him speak about absent hearts, that he’s a hollow body, chokes her each time, like she’s facing punishment for her transgressions. 

Either way, she can’t let him see her get so affected. She flicks dirt off her cloak, leaning back and crossing her legs. 

“Xemnas,” she starts, her tone teasing like a dark thought hasn’t crossed her mind. “Superior of the In-Between, Appreciator of Beauty.”

Titles have a weight to them, some befitting and others suppressing. Xemnas is a man who gives them value, who finds agreement to what she’s saying, testing his new designation in his mind to see how well it suits. 

He studies her first. Brings the camera to his face, aims the lens at her. She sees herself in its reflection, gold eyes bright, before the flash captures her.

Day Thirty-Two ~*~

She flips through several developed photos and it comes as no surprise that she’s not smiling in any of them. She can read the timeline as she looks through portraits of herself standing by riverbanks and strolling through souks, her hair whitening by the week. 

The two of them meet in secret to look over the photographs when they’re certain no one else is in the castle, and a part of her today hopes that one of them is beautiful enough to bring her some comfort.

Ventus is no longer in Castle Oblivion. Her hints and paper trails have worked and he’s now in the custody of the other Keybearers. 

But it leaves her with a sensational loneliness, having no reason to go back and watch him sleep, and she doesn’t have anyone to talk about these feelings with. 

It’s hard to tell if she’s doing a banging job at pretending it doesn’t affect her, since she’s grumpy all the time anyway. 

Xemnas stands close, looking over her shoulder as she goes through a stack where he recorded a trip they took to a world of mountains.

Some of these photos she was aware of. Others not so much, and one in particular shows her staring at her Wayfinder, blue and powerful, while she ignores the backdrop of clouds cowering under the girth of the peaks behind her. He’s captured her standing so close to the edge yet she doesn’t even remember walking so dangerously near.

He scoffs gently. “Continue to be bound by the chains that drag you, and you will plunge into oblivion.”

She doesn’t know what game he’s playing anymore. Is he just fooling himself at this point? What other reason does he have to always follow her around unless there’s something pulling him?

Maybe it’s time to see exactly what he remembers. She’s had so many wonderful years living in the mountains with her boys, exploring the forests and camping overnight...

“We used to fish together,” she says, and the words sting more than she expected.

“Hmmm,” he sighs. “It was a leisure that came easily to me.”

Her heart skips a beat. Xemnas rambles, Xemnas tricks himself, Xemnas keeps others in the dark, the blind leading the blind. 

But this is the truest statement that he’s ever said; she’s never been the best at hunting.

“It was, you were the best at it,” she says, prodding his eyes for more. “There was a river by the closest trail and-” 

He smiles, and she almost hates it. It’s not warm, not comforting, just condescending.

“At an ocean that stretched by my childhood home, on an island, stranded in the middle of nowhere, where I fished with schoolmates,” he says.

That’s incorrect… 

The lump in her throat sinks, and it’s an emotion called devastation. She’s spent years exploring her memories privately because admitting to them would acknowledge their existence, and there’s something about the dark that makes her question whether she’s making them up. Just like he is now.

She wants to throw his photos at his face, demand that he remembers her, shake him until he gives her an expression in his eyes that actually means he feels. 

He pulls the photos from her hand, creased from her holding them too tightly. Whatever stupefied look she had on her face prompts him to say this next: “There is a place I want to show you.”

A single white room void of windows, like a capsule. But what’s inside nearly makes her wonder if she’s been transported elsewhere. There’s a white throne marked by chains and it’s uncanny how much it looks like the one Ventus slept in all this time. 

“What’s the meaning of this?” she starts to ask, suddenly terrified that she’s been found out when she spots a mess of color. 

Cracked and abandoned, just like her. Her armor in a scrap heap.

And right by it, Stormfall, dusty like it’s been waiting for as long as she has. 

“It has not been a very…” He hides his hands behind his back. “Loquacious partner.”

She’s speechless at the idea that all this time the other members think he’s been talking to himself… 

And what did he talk about? Why bother to pretend the armor is alive?

It’s enough temptation to try her hand. “Terra?”

If his smile is patronizing, his laugh is worse: breathy, amused, pitiful. 

“What is in a name,” he says, “but a hopeful delusion?”

“Don’t mess with me,” she steps forward, ready to jab a finger at his chest. “I’m not in denial. There’s so much riding with me-”

“No.” He shakes his head, so tall that he has to look down. “You have nothing.”

“I’m not like you,” she hisses. “Any of you, I don’t tell myself lies that I am nothing.”

“You cannot claim that.” The confidence in his speech is astounding. “What you have is a star-shaped trinket. A fossil. That former life of yours is dead.”

She wants to spit back. Really, she does. And yet her mouth feels sewn together, too afraid to let toxic words slip out of her mouth, too tired to have to prove herself otherwise. It’s like she’s been paranoid that punishment has been waiting for its chance to pounce, and it’s finally here. 

He’s so much larger than Terra that he has to bend over to meet her face, and he’s close enough she can smell his cologne, see the details of his irises and finally witness a spark - 

Anger lives behind them, tested, refined, and tamed. Powerful, unlike hers which throws her at whims.

“This room,” he starts, and he pierces her with his eyes, beautiful and messy, “is what I have left. A troublesome reminder that there is something I have forgotten. The chains that keep us bound are attached to an empty void. That is why we are nothing, friend.” 

The title feels like a leash and a collar around her neck, like he’s about to grab her. She braces herself for the possibility, and it churns her stomach.

“What I have earned since are the hollow words of a woman who’s told me there was nothing to darkness but hate and rage,” he continues, barely giving her the space to breathe for herself. “So I came here, to ask her time and time again if she still believes I will continue to go astray.” 

If there is a memory she ever wished for Terra’s heart to hold onto, it wouldn’t have been those words. 

“The fates that have been chiseled for us,” he continues, “were deviant… unnatural… manipulated. We should not have existed, maimed and exploited. Darkness has ravaged us, as much as it has left you destitute.”

What echoes in the silence is the shuddering of her breath, driving her to near-tears when she thought that she wasn’t capable of crying anymore. “I didn’t deserve what happened to me.” She doesn’t know why she needs to say that or what kind of comfort she will get out of it.

His eyes search her face and there’s that feeling in the back of her mind that he’s going to touch her. “I did not think so, either.”

With that, he straightens up, turning over his shoulder to leave her shivering in this cold room. 

She lunges forward to grab his wrist - a knee-jerk reaction really. Who can blame her when she’s looking for… someone to tell her it’s not her fault. When he turns to look back at her and she realizes the smile she wants is just a fantasy, she’s reminded:

Xemnas. She has to remember that he is Xemnas and not who she wants him to be. 

So she lets him go, to be left in an air-tight container with no Terra to hold her, no Ventus to wake up, and a Keyblade.

It belongs to a Master, to Aqua. And she is Aqua but she is not. 

She has been tethered and conditioned since, a dull glory with memories that don’t serve her anymore except to leave her feeling… well, destitute. An Anti-Aqua, a new her with the same name she was born with.

Certainly it feels strange to hold Stormfall again after all these years, and she takes it with her. After all, stealing a Keyblade isn’t that terrible of a crime.

Day Seventy-Nine ~*~

There isn’t so much of a point to being part of an Organization when she’s lonely even around other people. It’s daunting, and if she isn’t around Nobodies that can speak, she’s around monstrosities that can’t. 

The World That Never Was is hollow, and the sea of empty hotels and apartments is all just for show, like it’s good enough to pretend to have friends. 

But maybe that is definitely the point: keep attachments at bay to make it easier to move on to the other side when the time comes.

Footsteps softly rise as she hears him climb the steps that lead to the lounge where she waits, and it makes her smirk. He walks with the lightness of air; that’s impressive for his size.

“I come bearing gifts,” he announces when he arrives to take the couch across from her, crossing his legs as he makes himself comfortable. In his hand is a white envelope, full enough to have photos she hasn’t seen yet. 

Her face goes cold when she looks through them - it’s like he’s throwing more games at her that she’s too tired to play, like he keeps testing her to see when she finally breaks. If he hasn’t figured her out yet, he certainly has now. 

Ventus, in all of them. Wandering streets by himself with the curiosity of a toddler. Laughing with Sora. Sparring with Riku. 

She inhales sharply. “What do you want with him?”

“Nothing,” he says like it’s his favorite word. “I do not wish to harm him.”

“Stalking and endangering him makes you look bad.”

All Xemnas does is flash her a smug grin, his fingers on his chest like he’s proud of himself. “It appears I am not the heartless one between the two of us, throwing such a blatant accusation against me.”

Being playful doesn’t suit him well but at least she’s fond of it. He lets go of a long breath, the smirk melting away into a faraway longing as he stares at his own hand, those gears of his turning. 

It gives her the impression that her reaction stung him, and she wonders if anyone has ever asked him if his feelings have been hurt. If he’s even capable of being offended that way. 

Rubbing his gloved fingers against his palm, Xemnas shakes his head. “There was a… an oath made to me long ago, and still I cannot recall the exact words.”

Aqua doesn’t know what to say - Terra and Ventus were like brothers, and sometimes would share secrets and promises without her knowing, so she really can’t help him remember. 

She wishes, though, that he’s easier to read. It’s hard to tell if he’s being entirely sincere or if he’s pulling fanciful words to suit her - if he has other reasons not to attack Ventus. Come to think of it, he only asked her to find Ventus for him once… though it’s unsafe to assume too much. Believing that he feels a bond is still a risk, but so long as she can take care of herself, it’s probably a good idea to humor him.

It’s for the best since Ven isn’t something Xemnas should think he can keep.

“How long I have searched for the chamber that kept him locked away for more than a decade,” he continues. “I admit all I yearned for were answers to questions no book can satiate. Now... he simply waltzes out of the castle with nary a helping hand.”

It’s the way he says it that tells her he knows. 

She shrugs. “Magically.”

“Magically.” At least he’s amused. “The portraits are yours to keep.”

She takes another glance, petting her thumb on the smooth surface where his cheek was captured. “How is he?”

“He is healthy.” He leans back, one elbow on the armrest. “Rambunctious and eager to fight.” 

“Did he see you?”

“No.” He takes one hard look at her. “Will you not meet with him?”

“No.”

He attempts to ask why but she cuts him off. “He’d be very upset if-” Takes a moment. Regain composure. There’s nothing left to cry over, he’s happy and he deserves it. “If he saw either of us this way.”

She adds, “my body is changing.”

The confession is like pulling a stopper, letting the water gush down the drain like a hurricane, where tears do not come out of her eyes but out of the growling in her throat and the fists she makes as she slips off her gloves to show him the red fingertips, the purple wrists, the smoke that poofs out like she’s sweating it.

Nothing could have prepared her for how much his smile falls, completely enraptured with what he sees, like she’s a foreign specimen in need of study.

“To feel so intensely,” he says mostly to himself, leaning over the table in between them to look at it more closely. “That it alters the host.” He frees a hand from his glove, and his skin looks smooth like a human’s - for someone who considers himself a monster, she’s the only one who looks like one.

He reaches over, as if asking for her hand. It has to be the most human thing to be curious. 

Meeting him halfway, they press their palms against each other, the rolls that make up the hand and fingers shifting as they fill the gaps. His are so familiarly big, so amazingly warm, and she’s been certain this entire time that she’d never feel hands like these again. It’s pleasant to find some solace from the frigidity of her scales.

Splaying his fingers to meet hers, he plays: first leaning into hers to see how far they can bend, then threading them together one by one, like he understands what it is to hold a hand but has never learned what it’s supposed to feel like.

Intertwined like this, he’s now leashed to her, bound by a chain he can’t break either.

Day Eighty ~*~

It’s hard to count the hours when there’s no sun. It could be late or early, whatever, but either way sleep has decided not to say good night no matter how many times she’ll toss and turn. 

Suppose the only question keeping her awake is whether any of this matters. When that heart-shaped moon finally opens and she disintegrates, suppose she’ll become the inky sky that allows the stars to shine in the new world, a ghost so far away and expansive that she’ll stretch forever and witness everything. 

Or instead, she’ll turn into a star, a memory of the way things were and she’ll shine brightly to give others hope. Maybe even become the sun and be the source of all life. 

She takes her hand, lets her cold, scaly fingers brush her chest first before finding her heartbeat, quiet and calm with the hours in rest. 

Still, what is the point if she’s at it alone? Will she blend into other people? Will she reconnect with Terra and Ven? Will she forget about them, about her current life, about pain and loss?

After all, the only way to remove the loss is to wipe away the reminiscence. 

With this in mind, she leaves her bed and this empty room. 

Whatever she becomes, the least she can have is something to hold onto. She should be allowed to keep the things she’s loved. Maybe nothing will happen - maybe they can run away, abandon crazy prospects and make a life out of what’s left. 

Finding herself standing in front of Xemnas’ door, she knocks, somewhere between soft and demanding. When he opens the door, he’s finishing the zipper up his cloak, having just stood from his desk where his camera splays open. 

“Don’t say anything,” Aqua says. There’s been enough thinking, enough existential crises tainted by the question of why’s and when’s and what’s. 

They’re wasting time and she doesn’t want to be alone when her bones turn to dust. 

Xemnas still has his glove-less fingers on his zipper when he steps aside and lets her walk through the threshold into his room, respecting her request to keep silent, a small smirk pulling on his face.

Aqua closes the gap between them, her head leaning against his chest, nuzzling on the leather he wears. He likes to talk big about being nothing, but there it is, his heartbeat, quiet and calm like it doesn’t want to be discovered.

What’s in a name indeed, a man once said to her when his own very name, Xemnas, is a body and a mind. He is someone, and Kingdom Hearts will take him away too. 

Hearing its beat lulls her and finally, finally, she thinks she’ll be able to find sleep for this long night. Gripping his leather into her fists, her breath slows and she rests against him, taking his warmth as a reminder that she’s alive for now. There’s nothing else relevant except the lack of rhythm in their hearts and that camera, a small trinket they can take with them so at least they can share a life that isn’t dead. 

He helps himself to a lock of her hair as he intertwines it into his fingers, his free hand claiming the small of her back, his warm breath on her scalp as he searches for his own meaning of life. 

“It’s magnificent,” he says about whatever it is he’s finding. 

She hums, half in contempt that he’s speaking and half asleep, intoxicated by his cologne as she pulls on his cloak, squeezing her fist tighter like tonight will be the last.

“Xemnas,” she calls but does not follow-up. 

She was about to say that he can continue to take photos of her, to let her take some of him with her, to liven the mood, to keep her warm because this entire castle is cold… to do something or tell her a story of a world where the sun rises from the west. Maybe they can find it together and gather proof of it. 

He’s been wrong all along - there is power to a name and if he wants to deny that, then she’ll have to slap him out of such a problem.

He moves slightly and now his hair covers her face but he grips her tighter. The door to his room closes. He carries her to bed, and she lets herself drown in his mouth as his weight pressures her to sink, down to the depths where they gasp for air together. 

[randomwordsandstormydays]

The One Where Livy Loses Her Dad

Here’s the first thing I’ve written for one of my OCs. This is the scene/situation that leads to Livy “Crow” Larson joining the Railroad. Please read and let me know what you think.

TW: character death, graphic depictions of violence

As the stone path that marks her home comes into view a vague sense of wrongness slides down Livy’s spine. It sends a shiver across her body and she picks up her pace, being extra careful to scan for the ferals that are attracted to this area. Her eyes dart back and forth quickly, soaking in details of her homestead. All seems to be in order and her shoulders drop, tension sliding out of them.

She’s about to call out for her father, to let him know that she’s home safe, when a man materializes out of thin air, surrounded by a bright blue light. Her arm comes up to block the brightness from her eyes and by the time she lowers it the figure is gone, and the front door to her house is swinging shut.

What the fuck?

Immediately, she shifts on her heel and takes off for the side of her house, where the windows will give her a view into the rooms on the first floor. As she approaches she can hear voices, one of which she recognizes as her father’s, the other she cannot identify. Her grip tightens on her pistol as she hears the fear in her dad’s voice. Never has he sounded like that before.

“What are you doing here?” It’s impossible for her to even picture the look that her dad must be wearing, the uncertainty that must be in his eyes. It seems like he knows this man, but is scared of him just the same.

“F3-27, your mission has been terminated. You are to report back to Dr. Ayo for memory wiping and relocation.”

Livy’s heart skips a beat from inside her chest at the implication that the strange man inside her home has just made. Her father is a synth? That’s what that string of letters and numbers mean, right?

“No, that’s not right. I’ve only been here a year.”

Blood pounds in Livy’s ears as the confirmation worms its way into her heart. Her dad was replaced by a synth copy a year ago. Suddenly, it all makes sense.

Her whole life her father had been distant and cold, only doing the bare minimum to keep her alive. Nothing she did was ever good enough for him, and it was clear to her that he only stayed out of loyalty to her dead mother. It was hard for her to blame him, according to their neighbors she was nearly identical to the woman that had birthed her, and she was positive that the physical reminder she presented is what kept him from being the dad she needed him to be. Still, it hurt.

Even though she knew that nothing she ever did would be enough, she still tried. Every task she was given, she mastered, her attempt at pleasing him. No one she knew could match her skills with a pistol, and she was an expert shot with a rifle. Any random assortment of food items could be dropped in her lap and she could cook them into something delicious. She trained herself to be observant, not wanting to miss out on any scrap or supplies because they might be hidden from plain view. The caravaners were so impressed with her sewing that they often paid her extra caps to fix up garments anytime they came by, so that they could sell them for more money later on down the line. Over and over again she proved that she was the best at any task she could be given.

Still, he never thanked her for her hard work, never smiled at her like she belonged, never once did he say that he was proud of her.

Then, one day, it all changed. Her father had left three days prior for a trip to Bunker Hill, and when he came home, he was a different man. The door swung open when she was halfway through cooking dinner, but she still turned to welcome him, even though she knew that she was more likely to get ignored than to be acknowledged. She dropped the bowl she was carrying in shock when he smiled at her.

The glass shattering jolted her out of her staring and she dropped to the floor, apologizing for her clumsiness. When her father knelt down next to her and began to help her pick up the pieces she froze, unable to move. She watched, brows drawn tightly downwards and mouth partially open, as he gently pried the glass off the floor and then took the large shards from her own palms. Her body had not moved an inch by the time he returned from the trashcan and he looked down at her. She recognized confusion in the tilt of his head and the raise of his brow, she had seen that look before, but etched into his cheeks and eyes was also the presence of amusement.

“Livy, what are you doing on the floor, still?” Before she could answer his face shifted into one of concern. “Are you hurt? Did any of the glass cut you?” He dropped to his knees in front of her and took her writs gently in his hands before turning them over to look for injury.

She can’t recall the last time her father actually touched her. Her muscles begin to thaw as he inspected her for any cuts, and by the time he’s done her limbs are working normally again.

“No, I’m not hurt. Just shocked is all.” He let her pull back and stand up, didn’t try and stop her at all. That answer must satisfy him because he stood and began to clear the table, she turned back to the pot of food and continued stirring.

“As long as you’re okay, that’s what matters.” From behind her she heard him take in a deep breath. “What is that? It smells amazing.”

Her voice wavered a bit when she answered. “It’s ragstag stew with tatos, carrots, and some mutfruit.” His response is little more than a humming sound, but for some reason it brought a smile onto her face.

From that night on, he was the father she had always dreamed of. He complimented her abilities, thanked her for everything she did around the home, and told her at least once a week how proud of her he was. It was everything she ever wanted.

Now, a year later, she knows exactly why, because the man that came home that day wasn’t her father.

The strange man’s voice jerks her out of her memories. “Your presence here is no longer required. You will comply, or I will use your recall code.”

“Please, please just let me say goodbye to my daughter.” The pleading tone has tears springing into her eyes. It doesn’t matter that he’s not her biological father, he was a parent to her in all the ways that mattered. So what if he’s a synth? The man in there pleading to say goodbye to her is her dad, no matter what anyone else says. She has to find a way to save him.

As she sneaks along the wall towards her back door the conversation continues. “That girl is not your daughter, you are not her father. In fact, you are not even a real person.”

Anger bubbles up from inside her, fuck that guy, what does he know?

“She’ll worry if I’m gone, at least let me write her a note, something, anything.”

The desperation she senses is foreign and it scares her, because he’s right. If she had come home and he was gone, no note, no letter, no holotape, she would worry. That worry would have turned to panic if he didn’t come home that night. Her panic would turn to desperation when he didn’t come home for a few days. And when he didn’t come home after a week she would have taken off to go find him, completely unaware that her search would have been useless, since he had been taken.

The backdoor has a screen, and through it she can finally see what’s going on. Her father is dressed in his field clothes, covered in dirt and on his knees, facing her. His eyes don’t drop down to look at her, though, his focus is fully on the other man in the room. Her heart pounds a little harder and a lot faster when she takes in the intruder.

He has to be at least six feet tall, broad shoulders betray the muscles that she can tell are hidden under his heavy leather jacket, and his hands do not waver in the slightest as they hold a laser pistol, which is pointed directly at her dad.

“That is not authorized. This is your final chance, comply or be reset.”

Her hand is on the doorknob, ready to turn it, ready to risk her life and try and fight this stranger, when she finally makes eye contact with the synth that replaced her father. She can see his fear heighten, and she feels tears prick behind her vision. It clicks then that he’s not scared for himself, he’s scared for her.

It’s easy for her to see the moment he gives up. His eyes dart away from hers, shame the last thing she sees in them, the tightness in his posture fades away until he’s slumped in on himself, head lowered in defeat, and his voice is broken when he speaks.

“I’ll comply.”

Adrenaline courses through Livy’s body, she has to do something, has to stop this. She won’t let him be taken. The door hits the wall with a crack so loud it continues to ring in her ears even as she stands to her full height and aims her pistol at the man. She can hear her dad’s shouts of protest but they fall on deaf ears. Time seems to slow for her as she fires her weapon. Three shots that make three direct hits to the chest.

Fear overtakes her when the man doesn’t react, like he doesn’t even feel the bullets.

“Livy, run. He’ll kill you.” Her father’s desperate cries reach her, but they’re too late. There’s no time for her to escape, because the man is already on her.

The gun is knocked from her hands before she can even attempt to fire again, and it clatters on the floor out of her view. The pistol is the least of her worries, though, because in that same second her oxygen is cut off as the man’s hands wrap around her throat and begin to squeeze. The sound she makes rings in her ears and reminds her of a wounded animal, scared and full of fear. In the next second she’s flying, airborne and weightless, until her back strikes the wall, followed closely by her skull. She hits the floor hard and feels her ribs break.

It takes everything she has in her to try and stand, but she slips on her own blood and crashes back to the ground. She looks up and sees the laser pistol pointing at her face, and realizes that she’s going to die. Her eyes close involuntarily, possibly her brain’s way of protecting her in the only way that it can, then she hears a gun go off.

When she opens her eyes she’s disgusted to see that the man’s head is half blown off, but she’s horrified upon the realization that he’s still not dead. What the hell is this guy, another synth?

“Get the hell away from my daughter.” Her dad’s voice brings comfort, but it doesn’t last long. The man, who she is now fully convinced is another synth, turns away from her. Her dad is standing, holding her gun, but looking at her. There’s sorrow written all over his expression, and dizziness is beginning to wash over her.

Instead of charging at her father, like she expected, the synth begins to speak, lowly but also clearly and calmly. “F3-27, recall code-”

Livy doesn’t hear the rest, too focused on the words that her father is mouthing.

I’m sorry.

I love you.

Then, he slumps over. His head lowers down and his arms drop the gun, they fall next to his body like when the strings of a puppet get cut. He doesn’t breathe, he no longer looks alive.

“Dad?” Her voice is wrecked, mostly from the damage done to her throat, but also from the tears that are building. “Dad?” He doesn’t answer, and neither does the invader. Her calls and cries are ignored, her pleading is not answered. She is helpless, lying on the floor in her own blood, bleeding and broken, as another flash of blue light fills her home. When her eyes adjust she is alone. The darkness calls for her, and she falls into it.

- - -

Click here to go back to my OC writings master list.

[lovehaswonangelnumbers]

New Post has been published on https://lovehaswonangelnumbers.org/karmic-tools-weekly-forecast-october-6-12-2019/

Karmic Tools Weekly Forecast: October 6 – 12, 2019

Karmic Tools Weekly Forecast: October 6 – 12, 2019

By Kelly M. Beard

The video version of this forecast, as read by Kelly, is available here.

The Karmic Tools Weekly Forecast covers the current planetary transits which affect people in different ways and to various degrees of intensity. Take notice when it is a Personal planet (Sun / Moon / Mercury / Venus / Mars) interacting with a Social (Jupiter/Saturn) or Collective planet (Uranus / Neptune/Pluto). And pay extremely close attention when it is a Social planet interacting with a Collective planet because that means something *big* is brewing that will move large groups of people along their evolutionary paths. Tuning in to the energy and rhythm of the planets can serve as a useful *guide* as you move along your Individual Path. It also helps to understand your place within the context of the larger Social & Collective Story. Below, you will find out how these energies tend to manifest, as well as guidance and direction. 

*NOTE*  There are some days when there are NO CONTACTS (besides the Moon), please note that there are no missing entries, we just list the actual Activations of each week + the day they happen.

Weekly Forecast: Septembe

Note from Kelly:

I do have a few additional thoughts that I’d like to put on your radar this week because we are truly blessed by the energy of balance, but often that too entails noticing where you’ve been in extremes or where you’ve been imbalanced. Just know that you are tremendously supported to do some personal restoration this season. So let’s dive in …

Thanks to Pluto’s 16-year journey through Capricorn (2008-2024) and Saturn’s 2+ year journey through Capricorn (2018-2020) and the North Nodes 18-month journey through Cancer (Nov 2018-May 2020) and Chiron’s 9-year journey through Aries (2018-2027) and most recently, Jupiter’s 1-year journey through Libra (2016-2017) and Uranus’ 7-year trip through Aries (2011-2018) … thanks to all that big energy, our little annual cycle of Winter, Spring, Summer & Fall is constantly a time of intense evolution for one and all. No one is exempt. Everyone has the Cardinal Signs somewhere, ruling some Area of Life (House) even if you do not have any planets animating those energies. It’s good to know your own natural, seasonal rhythm and now that is more important than ever. I look at it like: when you commit and take one step (in the direction of your goal) then the Universe carries you three more steps. If you can co-create with the energies available that are shifting your personal, individual fundamentals, then you are ahead of the game! You are choosing your destiny and you are also making greater strides, in a shorter period of time because this is accelerated growth that the big-boys always generate.

So with all that in mind, I just want to remind you that Libra time is also the one-of-two times per year that we have access to actual, literal balance. So no matter what extremes you’ve been dealing with, and whether you are in the Southern Hemisphere moving into the Light or here, as we move into the Dark time of year, you can call in balance at this time, you can restore your equilibrium, you can experience harmony even while the worldly chaos continues to swirl. The “theme” here (if there is one) is balance and compromise (Libra) … on the heels of sacrifice & purification (Virgo). We have also re-defined “sacrifice” as *Gift or Offering*. In every instance you feel that the Universe is asking you to “sacrifice” something for your own greater good, you could say out loud: “It would be my pleasure to offer this GIFT! I am delighted to give in this way, knowing I am clearing a space for You, Great Spirit, to fill me and my life with that will serve my Highest good, now and always.” What did you have to give up in the last month? Last 6mo? Last year? Whether you think you did or you didn’t, rest assured that the sorting and sifting got done and there are parts of you that have permanently shifted or been born completely anew. Now is a time of integration and restoring balance so you can function at a higher level than before. If you need some help with this, reach out! That’s what the Mystic Mentor is for!

Also heads-UP! Mercury entered Scorpio Oct 3rd and will be there until Dec 9th (Retro: 10/31 and Dir: 11/20) so that is actually going to help us with our integration process. We will be processing everything that’s come up in the last 1-5 years – on a soul level. We will dare to dig a little deeper into our conscious & subconscious terrain to see what is serving or undermining true evolution. I did talk about it in last week’s follow up ~ Video HERE(49-min).

Mars also entered Libra on Oct 3rd and will be there until Nov 19th and it hasn’t been there since Oct-Dec 2017. It retrograded in Libra in 2014(Dec 2013-July 2014). Mars rules our desire nature, our energy & fuel – and how we direct it – our passions and the Sacred Masculine, which is the part of you who can negotiate on your own behalf, get your ideas in the world and keep good, healthy, effective boundaries. I always suggest that we can co-create with Mars when we check in with our true Natures, every 2-years. In my experience, Mars’ Retrograde has Mars lingering in a Sign/House for 8-months – so I say: we invest 8-months of conscious self-work for a 16-month return. We get a chance to renew our passions & desires – as well as how we go about achieving them – every 2-years, which is how long it takes for Mars to move through all 12-signs.

Anytime Mars is in Libra, we get an opportunity to tune into what we deeply desire in relationships of all kinds. Fairness, balance, justice & equality are all something Mars is willing to fight for when in Libra – and awaken within the rest of us. It is time to access your inner balance where you have integrity and graciousness, as well as fierceness to stand up for what you believe in. Here’s a snapshot from my Your Soul’s Path Series, where I created a workbook for every planetary cycle. The Mars in Libra one says: This is a time when you have extremely high ideals; you’re shooting for the BIG dream! Not easily dissuaded, as you weigh all aspects of each circumstance as it presents itself. Avoid indecision and step confidently in the direction of your goal. Don’t focus too much on how others are directing their energy as much as how you are directing yours. Teach, guide & lead by example, that’s going to be the most powerful and effective use of your energy. Refined strength, rather than brute strength is necessary at this time to accomplish the current goals.

I just feel like we got to reset something during its retro through Libra in 2014, which evolved by Oct-Dec 2017 (in a way we should be able to track a common or continual thread) and now we are getting an opportunity to do some incredible work this go-round. And the reason I feel like the “relationship work” is really up and good to dive into whole-heartedly, is because next year, Mars is going to retrograde in Aries, the sign it rules, and here is when you will get a chance to invest 8-months in YOU – who you are, what you truly want and what your purpose & passion really is and it will really help if you’ve worked out some of this ahead of time. You all know, my thing is CYCLES & PATTERNS ~ if you’re interested in diving deeper into your own, so you can be more effective, feel free to reach out for a reading or a mentoring session.

10/7 ~ Mercury (thoughts) ~oppose~ Uranus (radical shift):

This energy tends to make your mind work in over-drive. Not that you think too much, but rather you may tend to think, speak and process information faster than usual. However, when you are moving that fast, sometimes you can overlook something vital. The negative expression of this energy tends to make you feel scattered and disorganized, but the positive side of it is making those brilliant connections that are normally just out of reach. Your perception and intuition are picking up so much in such a short period of time that you will want to review the details later to ensure that you didn’t overlook something crucial to your development. You may be impatient with same-old/same-old routines or responses but check in with your body to make sure it is not just your monkey mind playing tricks on you. It is a good time to breathe and be flexible because if you are impatient with this energy, you are more likely to make mistakes. Anytime Uranus is involved, radical shifts and ah-ha moments are totally possible on an internal level, however, on an external level you may tend to blurt things our without proper forethought. Be sure to engage your Heart and some kind of filter, especially when communicating with others this week.

10/7 ~ Sun (essential Self) ~square~ Saturn (responsibility):

With this energy, it is best to understand that you will have two distinct pulls within – obligation to others versus responsibility to Self. It’s not nearly as bad as it feels, however, it does bring up something we all work really hard to balance to some degree or another – SELF & OTHERS. How much do you owe your Self and how much are you obligated to others? Balance and reciprocity come to mind as guides. One of the challenges of this influence is making negative assumptions that there is no support for you when in truth, you haven’t asked for any and *help must be invited*. Saturn brings up our relationship to Time, and some people may feel restricted, as if life/other/outer is all too demanding and there’s never any time just for the individual. This activation is a push to grow. It’s time to hold your own structure in some way and reclaim your Inner Authority (also Saturn’s domain) to direct your own life. Others may find their lives falling apart because they have avoided responsibility for so long and now there’s no more “wiggle room”. Rather than have a meltdown, take a nap and resolve to wake up with a plan, a strategy for taking the next step, even if that means simply asking for help or guidance from someone older and wiser. It’s time to deepen your dedication and commit to your Self in a whole new way. Recognize any current limitations and work with the resources at hand for now. The Sun usually illuminates the core essential nature or the Self, so see where you may be stuck and need to break out of a rut of some sort and trust that taking charge and making a decision and choosing a direction is *inviting help* from the Universe to support your new direction.

10/12 ~ Venus (values) ~oppose~ Uranus (freedom):

Any time Uranus is involved, it becomes the “wild card” and hard to predict how things will unfold, but right now there is a push-pull between your apparent values and your unique individual self. Venus also represents relationships, so you may begin an unusual relationship or you may have something unusual happen in an established relationship. It is not necessarily a “good/bad” thing, as much as an unpredictable shift or sudden awareness, which requires some compromise & integration. This energy works beautifully if your personal Truth and values are in alignment. It will be very disruptive if they are not. Be open and flexible, while looking for the win/win situation for all involved.

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Finding You Always

Also on Fanfiction.net and A03

Chapter 182: Endgame, Pt 1

Gothel admired the glowing resurrection amulet, as it pulsed with sheer power. In theory, the amulet could bring back someone from the dead, which was normally a direct violation of the laws of magic. But the price of doing so was predictable. The resurrection amulet required a life for a life, therefore becoming a loophole to that rule. But it wouldn't have been the first time a law of magic was defied. After all, they were called laws for a reason, which ultimately meant they could be broken.

There were three defined laws of magic that were top tiers when it came to the rules of magic. Bringing someone back to life was one and it had already been broken. Hades broke it when he revived the Collector; a true waste of a broken rule and she was sure that was something they could all agree on. Theoretically, the powers that be, whether one believed that was the power of the cosmos, Gods, or some other mystical force, often managed to punish those that broke the laws in one way or another. Proof of that could be argued by Hades' demise. Not only was he killed, but completely erased from existence.

There were loopholes to that rule though and it was intriguing that the pair before her had suffered no consequences when they sought to defy death. The Goddess Aphrodite had taken a lot of extra precautions in order to protect her charges this time around, but those protections should have been bypassed when Snow White crushed her own husband's heart. But she had brought him back only minutes later by having her heart split in half. Under the law of magic that stated no one could be brought back to life, such an endeavor should have failed. Yet, because of who they were, they were allowed to slip through that loophole and succeed. Some might argue that the trade off to that was that this pair, while deeply in love and happy together, rarely knew peace. These two humans should be as fragile and easy to kill as any others really. But they weren't. Killing them had been proven to be much harder than it should be and she was determined to be the one to do it.

The second law and its purpose was a bit lost on her. But history was riddled with the failures in breaking this one. Forcing someone to fall in love with another. She really knew nothing of love and had no desire to. But the pair before her had mastered love in every way. It was why they were so hard to kill. It was why they had such magic and had created a rich legacy of love and magical offspring. And it was why she needed them to make the resurrection amulet do what she wanted.

Long ago, its mysterious creation had been intended to break that first law. Whoever had created it, the identity of whom still remained a mystery, probably intended to bring someone back by sacrificing another. But for what Gothel intended, it required star seeds or gems, as they were sometimes known. Everyone had star gems inside them, but most were not magical. However, certain people had very powerful ones and the two most powerful ones in existence were in front of her. She almost scoffed at that too. She wasn't sure how such powerful star gems existed inside two beings who, for all intents and purposes, should be fairly weak in the grand scheme of things. Powerful star gems potentially had unlimited and unparalleled power. To be fair, no one really knew the full potential of star gems and no one really knew who had created them. Star gems inside people was something unique to their sector of nine realms. There was likely other things among the infinite realms that were similar, but Gothel knew that the right star gems could remake the world into what she wanted it to be. The resurrection amulet was simply a tool to harness and focus their power. She was sure just by using the dark, mysterious object that she was about to shatter the laws of magic. But she didn't foresee any consequences, for once she had those star gems from the truest loves, she would become the most powerful being in these nine realms. When that happened, she could basically rewrite the laws of magic any way she wanted to, for she would be more powerful than any of the Gods of Olympus or any being in any realm within their sector.

Laws were meant to be broken, after all and the pair before her had broken the third law, with their consequence being separated by another curse. They had broken the law of time travel unintentionally. Usually, time travel was expressly forbidden, because traveling to the past could jeopardize all sentient life. The prospect of meddling with the past could have untold consequences and disrupting time was considered a grievous sin by the Gods. And it was also messing with aspects of science that shouldn't have been tampered with. Facilier wanted to travel back and they had been sent to the past, albeit only about five years. With that law being broken, it was hard to say what kinds of consequences it might have. But since all these so-called heroes were about to die by her hand, she supposed that was a moot point. Time was about to become irrelevant, for she was resetting the clock on this world. Humanity would wither and her perfect Eden would grow. It seemed the two idiots were intent on fighting her though and were presenting quite a defense, which meant she needed a defense of her own.

"Time to take things up a notch," she said, as the ominous clouds above flashed violently with lightning and boomed with thunder. They watched the vines around them begin to convulse and screeching was heard, as they came to life in a new way. The vines sprouted arms, legs, and heads, which came complete with a full set of sharp teeth.

"Holy crap," Emma exclaimed.

"It's like Little Shop O' Horrors on steroids," she commented. Leo cocked his head to the side, acknowledging her reference.

"I was going to say it's like a bunch of Groots if Groot was evil, but yours works too," he replied. But there was more, as some of the vines sprouted flowers, which opened up into Venus flytraps, also complete with sharp, vicious teeth.

"And now we have piranha plants from Super Mario," Leo deadpanned. Screams ensued, as the creatures attacked and it was up to them to stop them from hurting people.

"Leo...start zapping. Regina...light them up wherever you can," Emma directed, as she watched the Venus flytraps start shooting poison darts.

"Summer...circle the perimeter and get as many of those darts into bubbles as you can," Emma said. Summer nodded.

"I'll start healing people that get hit," Eva said, as she hurried off with a very confused Dr. Narita in tow.

"What can I do?" Bobby asked.

"You can stay close to us," Snow answered.

"But Mom...I can help," he insisted.

"I need shock waves from you, kid. Hit 'em at their roots and dust them," Emma said.

"Yes…" Bobby cheered, as he ran off.

"Bobby...be careful!" Snow called frantically.

"I got him," Henry assured, as he followed him, armed with a sword, taking Jacinda and Lucy with him.

"What can I do? Ana and I can help," Drizella offered. Snow and Charming exchanged a glance.

"This is the epicenter. There's too many innocent people around. Start leading people away. Keep them out of buildings and structures," David instructed. She nodded and they left for their task as well.

"Need I remind you that none of this will matter if you don't take her out," Rumple reminded, as he indicted Gothel, who stood about twenty feet above them in a nest type structure that her plants had woven together to create for her, like some living plant Throne.

"Yeah, I'm over the creepy Little Shop O' Horrors vibe she's got going on," Emma commented. Snow glanced at her husband and followed his vision, as his eyes were locked on the structure that the witch's vines had created. Where the community garden had once been was now a very tall mass of vines, like a jungle had literally sprouted from the ground. Her nest was a top the structure and somehow, she knew what he was thinking. But she asked anyway.

"I know that look...you have a plan," she mentioned.

"Of sorts...but it's nuts," he replied. She smiled, despite the situation.

"I'd probably be disappointed if it wasn't," she offered.

"Weaver is right. Any plants we slice or burn up out here won't matter. That thing she's created will just create more. We have to go in there and destroy it from the inside," he replied.

"Which is probably what she wants," Snow agreed. He scoffed.

"Oh yeah...it's a trap for sure. But none of this stops unless we stop her in the source. That's where the amulet is," he responded. She nodded and threaded her fingers with his.

"Guys…" Emma called, as they turned back to her, seeing the palpable worry on her face.

"We'll be okay…" Snow assured. Tears brimmed her eyes, as she wondered if her mother could really promise that.

"You better be," Emma replied. David gave her a gentle smile and she could only watch her parents rush into the epicenter of the massive tangle of vines. Emma then rushed off to help handle more of the chaos and failed to notice Clayton following her parents in…

~*~

"This is insane!" Jacinda cried, as she watched Henry slice through more of the living plants.

"I know...and though it will still be nuts, I promise it will make sense when the curse breaks," he promised, as they approached a wall of the greenery, complete with several man-eating plants. Bobby hurried in front of them and they, plus all standing trapped by the plants, watched in amazement. Bobby's hands lit with silver magic, as he thrust his hands toward the ground, sending his power beneath the surface. Silver pulses traveled up the vines and the man-eating plants screeched in pain, as they were all turned to ash. Henry smiled.

"Nice...your powers are getting crazy strong, kid," he said, as they high-fived.

~*~

Leo exhausted a dangerous amount of lightning into the large curling vine that was wrapped around Belfry Tower. He growled under the strain, as the vine convulsed and tried to overcome his power. But he pressed on and it finally uncoiled from the building, before slamming dead to the ground. He heaved air into his lungs, as Eva put a hand on his shoulder, before her pink magic swirled around her and she levitated herself into the air. Her wind magic carried her and her confused husband, who still had no memory into an opening of the damaged building.

"I promise it will make sense eventually," she offered, as his face showed utter disbelief. He took a deep breath and followed her with his bag, as they began tending to the injured.

~*~

Several poison barbs were encased in bubbles and floated harmlessly into the sky, as Summer stopped them from pelting the innocent people below. Regina and Gold stood on either side of her, along with Belle, as they used fire to burn up the plethora of flora life that was growing wildly around the city.

"This is insane…" Regina growled, as she blasted another Venus flytrap before it could snap up any innocent bystander.

"And this is worse than New York. We might not be able to put this genie back in the bottle so to speak," Belle mentioned, as she did her best, armed with a cutlass.

"Then we better hope that once this is over that Snow and Charming can open a portal to the future and get us the hell out of here," Regina commented, as she destroyed more.

"And why isn't this damn curse broken yet? Those two have kissed and saved their daughter, but no rainbow light," Regina added, side eyeing her old mentor.

"Don't look at me...I don't know what's holding this one back," he answered, as Summer spotted two people that she knew being cornered by one of the man-eating plants. The floral monsters screeched angrily, as it fired two poison darts at Frankie and Joe. She gasped and released two bubbles, saving them from the poison. They looked at her in astonishment, just as Regina turned the plant to ash.

"Joe...Frankie...what are you doing here?" Summer asked.

"I don't know...we just felt like this is where we needed to be," Frankie replied.

"We somehow knew that family needed us, even if we're still trying to wrap our heads around this," Joe added. Summer sighed.

"I know...it's a lot," she agreed.

"Where are your parents?" Frankie asked. Summer looked over at the virtual palace that Gothel had created from her vines and plants.

"In there…" she uttered, as they looked on, wondering what was happening inside.

~*~

Snow and Charming walked cautiously into the structure, hand in hand, finding that Gothel had created her own little palace out of it. And though it appeared to be purely made of an intricate web of vines and flora life, they knew the structure was probably nearly indestructible. They reached what appeared to be like a Throne room and watched Gothel's nest descend from atop the structure and situate itself far above them.

"You two will be a fitting feast for my lovelies," Gothel commented, as two plants, with snapping jaws, loomed behind them. But David was quick to cut them down and his sword, powered by the chalice, turned them to ash.

"Yeah...plant food is not how this is going to end for us," he challenged. Gothel smirked.

"I had hoped you'd save yourselves all the pain to come by giving into the inevitable. Surrendering your star gems will ensure far less pain than if I have to take them by force," she warned. Snow glowered at the woman and fired an arrow at her. The woman easily caught it, but her surprise was palpable when it exploded. It scorched her nest and she plummeted to the ground before them, singed and seething with anger.

"You will pay for that, Princess…" she hissed, as she climbed to her feet. The explosion had rendered her human appearance null and she was now in her natural form. Blue tinted skin and sea green hair. Her limbs also seemed to take on a boneless-type quality when she moved, much like her living flora. Her dress was red and complete with a cloak, both tattered and weathered.

"We'll see…" David retorted. But she smirked.

"The Earth once belonged to my people...until it was stolen by humans," she growled.

"You humans destroy and pillage everything in your wake. You feared my people and destroyed them!" she raged.

"We didn't do any of that. Not all humans are alike. Punishing all for the actions of a few is wrong," Snow stated righteously.

"No...you're all the same. You're an infection upon my beautiful garden and one that I plan to cure," she argued.

"Then we'll stop you...and destroy you," David promised. She smirked.

"You will try," she challenged, as there was a shuddering beneath their feet. Massive vines sprouted around them and they had to flee the coils. David grabbed her hand and they ran, as Gothel's monstrous flora chased them through the structure. By now, the moving and evolving structure was a sheer labyrinth. They dodged and darted through and around coiled and twisted vines. They soon realized they were now far above solid ground and a misstep could send them plummeting back down to either the ground or into the coils of a vine ready to constrict the life out of them.

"Any more ideas?" Snow asked offhandedly, as they climbed around the twisted mess of vegetation.

"Not really...but you know I usually never really have a plan. I just make it up as I go along," he quipped in reply, as they reached a large gap in the vegetation. And jumping was too dangerous, for a Venus flytrap was directly below them, snapping its powerful jaws.

"Now what?" Snow asked, as he looked up and sliced through one of the thinner vines. He sheathed his sword and then grasped the vine firmly. He wrapped his free arm around Snow's waist and pulled her flush against him. She knew he intended to swing them over the gap and she snaked her arms tightly around his waist.

"Don't drop me," she teased.

"Never," he promised.

"But a good luck kiss wouldn't hurt anything," he added. She smiled and kissed him passionately, before he swung them over to the other side. He let go of the vine and they stood precariously on the slippery and unstable vines beneath their feet. They carefully moved away from the gap, but as Snow happened to glance back, she saw Clayton swinging his way over to them. She gasped, but not in time, as the Collector knocked her husband off the beam.

"Charming!" she cried, as he hung dangerously above a man-eating plant. Without thinking, she kicked Clayton in the chest, sending him back. Unfortunately, he grabbed the vine and swung back to their beam. Snow helped David pull himself up and he drew his sword to defend them. Clayton stood before them again and drew his own sword.

"Only one of you has to die and I can take control of the chalice," he stated.

"Which would mean nothing. We're the only ones that can defeat Gothel," Snow replied.

"So you say...but if I have the power again, I know I can make mulch out of her," he boasted.

"Except that I know for a fact that you can't. Queen Serenity...my predecessor told me such," Snow claimed.

"A Queen that's been dead for three thousand years? The one that failed to fully defeat Gothel in the first place?" he questioned sarcastically.

"Forgive me if I don't put much stalk in that," he responded, as he stood poised for battle with his nemesis'.

"Fighting us won't end well for you," David warned. Clayton smirked smugly.

"I'll take my chances, Charming," he retorted, as their blades clashed, while Snow stood by, ready with an arrow. They dueled precariously on the winding and twisted network of vines that were woven throughout Gothel's treacherous and warped Eden. Clayton made a risky leap to another platform, trying to gain an upper ground on them, but Snow was ready and fired an arrow. It exploded and burned up the fauna around him, as he fell to a platform just below them.

"You'll pay for that, Snow White," he growled, as he chased them through the maze of deadly precipices. Snow and David climbed around the vines and managed to find the top finally, while Clayton sliced through another thin vine, intending to use it to get to them. But David was seeing from his position that he wouldn't be able to without risking his life. If he missed, it would be sudden doom for him.

"I'll give you two a moment to discuss who gets to die," Clayton boosted, as he prepared to swing himself to them.

"You don't want to do that. You'll never make it...we have the higher ground," David warned.

"Like I said before...I'll take my chances, Your Highness," he retorted. They watched as he swung himself up and over to their platform, barely touching the edge of it. His smirk was smug, but he had swung through many more vines that were around him and those vines suddenly pulled him back. They watched as now he was suspended in the air by the vines and he fought them by slicing through them. Clayton sliced his way out and jumped toward their platform, but he missed and Snow gasped, as they watched in horror, as he slipped upside down and there was a strangled noise, as well as a sickening snap. They looked over the edge cautiously and gasped, as they saw that Clayton had essentially hung himself by accident and swung there dead, suspended by the vines that became his end. Snow cried out and turned away from the gruesome sight, as it instantly got worse, as two Venus flytraps shot up and tore the body to shreds, consuming him as food.

"Ohhh…" she groaned, as her stomach churned at the sounds of crunching bones, while she buried her face in David's chest.

"Well...as disturbing as that was, it was well deserved," David said and she couldn't disagree with that. The Collector had was evil and his obsession with killing one of them to gain the power of the Chalice had daunted them for far too long. Thankfully, this time there would be no resurrection for him. He was gone for good and despite all that still faced them, his demise was a victory for them. They usually didn't find comfort in anyone's death, even their enemies, but the Collector leading to his own undoing was more than fitting. Snow sighed and relished his lips, as he pressed them to her forehead. She knew they probably had mere moments until chaos erupted around them again, but oh how she wished they could just go home, away from all this ugliness.

"We'll get there, my darling," he promised. She smiled.

"Reading my thoughts, handsome?" she teased. He smiled.

"More like feeling them through you," he corrected. And she had to agree. She wasn't sure it was possible, but it truly seemed that their love managed to grow every day.

"So...any more to this plan of yours?" she asked.

"Not really, but I'm not a fan of this hide and seek game she's playing. I say we make her take us on directly," he replied.

"Then we need to bring this thing down, which is a lot of magic," she agreed. He smirked.

"Which we have," he said, as they grasped the chalice together. A beam of light slammed into the roof of the warped nightmare of a palace, quickly eating away at it. Once they had an exit, David grabbed a couple vines and they scaled the wall, before climbing out on top of it.

By then, most of their friends and family had gathered around, seeing the peculiar light coming from Gothel's garden monstrosity.

"We could use a bubble, peanut," David called down. Summer smiled and released one, which encased her parents safely inside and transported them to the ground, before popping.

"Let's take it down," David said, as they surrounded the structure and unleashed an assault of magic. Regina and Gold shot several fireballs at it, setting it ablaze. Bobby released shock waves into the ground going after the roots and while they were stunned by his power, Elsa released her ice powers into the ground, freezing the roots and killing them. Leo continued to hit the structure with his lightning powers, while Emma used beams of white magic to do the same. Alice stared at the structure and looked unsure, but soon felt a hand on her shoulder.

"You can do this, starfish...they need you," Hook encouraged.

"I know...but I think I'm supposed to do something else first. I'm the Guardian…" she said, as she started toward Snow and Charming, just as Gothel's palace collapsed to mulch. She emerged from the smoke, seething with rage and unscathed.

"Whoa...what happened to her?" Leo asked, referring to her shocking appearance.

"She is a nymph. Her mother was Mother Nature. This is her true form," Rumple answered. Alice fired her golden colored magic at her biological mother, but she batted the attack away like nothing.

"I'm through playing," she growled, as they watched in horror, as vine-like tentacles sprouted from her very being and she hit Alice first, knocking her away.

"Tilly!" Margot cried, as she and Hook rushed to her. Leo and Elsa rushed her next, ready to blast her with their powers, but she was ready, as her powerful tentacles swept them away as well. She smirked and blew golden dust on them.

"Can you move?" Leo asked.

"No…" she groaned, realizing they were both paralyzed by her pollen.

"All right, let's fry this bitch," Regina growled, as she and Rumple prepared to unleash their fireballs at her. But there was a rumbling beneath them and Belle, as more vines re-emerged from the ground, despite Bobby and Elsa's efforts to kill the roots and the three of them were captured within the coils.

"Hey tree huger...over here!" Emma called, as her magic collided with Gothel's. But the witch smirked, as she easily overpowered the Savior, allowing a vine to coil around her.

"Not today, Savior," Gothel cooed, as she moved toward Snow and Charming.

"Surrender your star gems and I'll make the deaths of everyone you love quick and painless," she offered.

"Save it," David retorted.

"We're not afraid to fight you," Snow added, as they stood strong before her, armed with the chalice. She smirked.

"Pity...I was hoping to spare your children from seeing the gruesome deaths that await you both," she retorted, as her tentacles slithered toward them and they knew that this battle had only just begun...

[mattyslittleworld]

dead mans coffee

July / 2020

Just woke up in my front seat, at a rest stop in Tennessee. First thing I saw was my ALL WILL SUFFER tattoo on my leg. A constant reminder of a different person. Tomorrow I’m getting coffee with Skrillex’s right hand man in Nashville, and I’m nursing a cold coffee in the heat watching this crazy lightning shoot across the skyline. It looks like the end of the world. Or some fucked up Lucero song. I must’ve pulled over for a second and closed my eyes and just dropped dead for hours while parked, I’m on the way to my hotel. 

I am sitting in a diner on broadway in Nashville, TN. Nursing another shitty coffee booking meetings. As the texts come in I ignore them because they are covering the screen and distracting me from reading and studying how to properly sell my soul to the devil at the crossroads In Mississippi. 

Clarksdale, Mississippi

12:30 am

Where Robert Johnson, Bob Dylan, and now, Matty Carlock, sold their souls to the devil. 

December / 2020

Sitting in my home, in Hollywood, CA. I have the window open, and I hear the subtle sound of LA breathing, cars passing on the boulevard, sirens off in the distance, and a vinyl record of mine spinning at the lowest volume possible for me to still hear yet ignore it. I feel calm and at peace, although, it seems like a parallel feeling is war, confusion, imposter syndrome, abandonment, and skeptical. How could these two umbrellas of emotion coexist? Its very interesting. Ive been recording so much music that has nothing to do with my artist project. Its been liberating to put that aside for something greater. A new focus. Leaving artistry a vessel solely for extreme self expression and cathartic release. 

July / 2020

Winding the day down, 10:30pm. With an open tab that reads “Tigers Jaw holiday show” - on pause. I open my Mac book on my couch, ready to go through stems and ratchet strip club beats, and it catches my eye. I press play and it leads me down a rabbit hole. I find myself watching “Never Saw It Coming” right into “Chemicals” / live in Boston. Like lightning it struck through my entire body. Maybe it was the 2 hour long conversation with Andy? And the memories we were trading. The bond we have over hard times, innocence, violence, literal blood on the pavement, years of freezing in the winter....nowhere to go. The people that were around - we made forever memories to these two songs. I right away, made a playlist that consists of “The Sun, I Saw Water, Chemicals, Never Saw It Coming, and Planes”. On top of that I found the live acoustic set they recorded and put out. When I was young on DIY tours, sleeping on floors, dirty as shit, poor as shit, a human being at the very best.....the uncertainty of my near future was so bleak. I remember Title Fight came out with their record “Shed” - and the song “where am I?” would lay me down on long drives, or on the floor. I’d watch white lines pass one by one by one into the abyss of nothing. 

The line 

“Another floor

A different ceiling than the night before

Where am I?

While you’re back home”

Missing my girlfriend at that current time, leaving, and just laying on a strangers floor thinking where am I while you’re back home? What am I doing? Maybe there’s nothing only this moment?

On the tigers jaw live EP they covered this acoustic and it’s everything right now. I am fortunate to live a block away from the sunset strip - and I grabbed my skateboard and just bolted into the night. 

This SO SPECIFIC FEELING of these songs. That nobody in this environment will ever understand. It’s so beautiful. It’s so real. It’s so raw. It’s exactly what I need right now - as the past 3 weeks I’ve been living here have moved faster than the past 4 years. A loss of identity easily awaits you. It’s like you fight your whole life for that moment, to get to where you dream of, to get a shot. Scrape and crawl. And then reset. Since I’ve been living in Hollywood my day to day has been a huge mirror for me. The parts of myself I’ve been trying out run have caught me. Maybe all of this could coexist? 

March 2nd / 2021

Spring is here. Its 75 degrees in LA and theres this new thing I noticed while driving around…..the overbearing smell of flowers in the air. It sounds like a movie. Its fucked up cause It felt like a funeral in my car. I was like what the fuck is happening? It smells like a small funeral in here….are my dreams dying? Am I dying? Is punk dead? Okay its just a Ryan gosling movie out here I guess. Whatever lets go. Here’s some hatrebreed. But the windows are down. My mood is different. My spirit is lifted, which ive been desperate to say. I automatically get punched in the guts with the feeling of driving so fucking fast, and blasting title fight. Skateboarding. Looooooooooong drives with fucked up friends to out of state shows no one will be at. Im listening to Stab by Title Fight - off the Shed LP. What a specific time in my life this brings back. That I usually talk about on this little throw up blog often. Spring is such a pivotal time in my life every year. Since covid shows stopped - human decency stopped - community stopped - my natural habitat was taken from me, and all of my friends and family. I remember living in New York in 2011. At the New Yorker. I was studying at the Institute Of Audio Research to be a janitor in my home town. Because that’s what they teach you. Instead of studying compression, and listening to washed up hacks talk to me about music, I would walk out my building onto 8th ave. B Line it Penn Station. Get on the LIRR and ride that shit right into the best LI shows every night I could. Id meet all my friends from Jersey / NYC / Philly and even Baltimore because it was so common to make it a priority to no matter what, drive hours on end to support a hardcore shows and to not lose touch with the hundreds around the country that you call family. Drive to Richmond for a shows on a Monday night, go off, hit a diner after with your new found tribe, then drive home, be back at 6 am, and just stumble into your bullshit job with a black eye or scratches all over you. It was all worth it. Probably quit that job anyway to go on tour with your friends band and live as gypsies for the entire summer too. Spring embodies this spirit for me. Church parking lots in Doylestown, PA - full of kids from all over the country, who left their problems in their hometown, to just get on the road with their best friends and basically start a new life. It is just amazing how formative those years were for a lot of my friends. I have people I met at shows from all over the country messaging me always checking in, and supporting, and sometimes it feels like I know them better than my first cousins, aunts and uncles. We were at war together. We fought against the world together. We found ourselves together. We created shit from nothing. Determination and passion. Oh no….Planes by Tigers Jaw just came on. You know the vibe. This shit just hits so different now as a pop / hip hop producer. This PA scene, mixed with NJHC, just stood me up and gave me confidence to have my own voice, my own thoughts, and to fight back. Something about being in a shitty car and it smells like dirty vans and like…..axe to cover up the smell. BELTING Basement and car moshing and almost driving off a bridge. Listen. I know every single blog is about this. But fuck you fight me. ITS CALLED SELF EXPRESSION GRANDMA. SO STRAP INTO YOUR BOOT THINGS AND ENJOY THE RIDE TO NOWHERE. Its been crazy living in LA. I live directly on Hollywood BLVD, on the Walk Of Fame. Where I was almost killed two weeks ago over someones gang that my ass is not in. My guy looked at me and said YO YOU MATTY? And I was listening to Taylor swift in my headphones walking back from Starbucks and it was so funny how different my energy was. I was like bro can you kill me already dude because these Taylor tones are so good that they gunna just end up killing me anyway. So perfect timing. I think the guy was mad at my friend to say the least lol. But every night its loud 808’s, the sounds of the city, amazing energy, and neon lights shining in from lit up billboards off the BLVD. Its such a culture shock for me. I feel like im too aggressive just from being east coast. But its just what it is. It took me a little to adapt to being in sessions and meetings with seasoned people in this industry who have major cuts and recognition. But I just learned to double down on myself, and be as authentic as I possibly can be. Theres nothing like crushing writing sessions in the pop realm, then turning off my shit, unplugging, and run into the night with my skateboard and old punk records. It’s almost like my own secret that is becoming my blood. I haven’t been communicating with the ones who like my music, have interest in what im doing, come to my shows etc - since I touched down here….I just unplugged….started writing HEAVY and decided to dedicate months to getting better, learning, becoming smarter, discovering a vision that’s much broader than what were sold, finding myself, making sure my wisdom is parallel to my age - if not wise beyond my years. A lot of artists and bands SING, PLAY, PERFORM, PROMOTE. But I have decided to WATCH, ATTEND, and LISTEN. Everynight I sit down with tea, unplug, and spin records on my turntable…in the dark, in my living room, alone….all kinds of records. From The National, to Springsteen, to Title Fight, to Hendrix, to the rare Troublemaker LP and 7” I have…..Sharon Van Etten, Jesse Malin…..ugh. Its just bliss. Pure bliss. Right now im drinking coffee and bouncing from listening to Into It Over It and American Football. I spent all last night rapping my ass off, mixing, and singing ref vocals for other people. It was so fun. Im finding a lot of my new material is this spirit im talking about - but over hip hop production. I want to tell my life story and combat the stereotypes of modern rap and pop music with true intentions and unique tones of untold stories that press, radio, and this market usually doesn’t get fed. Ive also realized a lot of music I was promoting over the past year to come out (prior to the pandemic) hasn’t come out….and I know people are questioning that….what is happening? So before covid I had German solo dates booked - and then I was going to the UK right after. I have a bunch of single drops lined up with music videos. Some you can guess with who. And then the pandemic hit and I canceled everything and decided to pivot my focus into my passion for songwriting and production, instead of sitting around “waiting for shows to come back.” I pretended that shows were never going to come back and doubled down on my career as a producer, that at the time, still is, moving forward at a faster rate than my artist shit. So I packed my shit after offers, and opportunity presented themselves. Touched down on a Tuesday, with meetings that Friday. Off to the races. In sessions that following Monday. Fast forward here we are. Hungry, learning, learnt, turned 30. Looking at the next decade like Mcgregor at the weigh in. Fight ready. Ive learned so much since the fall that all of the music I had planned on releasing, I loaded it back up, tore it apart, and re built it. So its not stale, so its not expired, so its not “then”….so its NOW. Which im so glad I did, and im doing. I don’t think ive been in the booth more. My mind is so stimulated by this wave im on. And its got me in a good place. Now that the spirit of spring is here, my mental health is going to be taking a big leap as well and im going to do everything I can to just flood all of this content. I think Never Meant by American Football is the best song ever made. Me and Mike were talking about doing a song together a few months ago and that would be such a trip for me. 

I wanted to talk about my recent trip to Joshua Tree. I was invited by Christopher Thorn from Blind Melon to live at his studio for a few days to write together. I didn’t really know what to expect. I met him once or twice thru Clinch, and just around the Sea Hear Now circle back east, and I was familiar with No Rain (his hit). We got on the phone, picked a weekend where it’d work for both of us, got some covid tests, and boom. Packed my shit again (right off a flight back from New York, where I shot 3 music videos, and did 1 remote session in 2 fucking days), and drove out to the desert. There is no address so I had a map. It was epic. It was in the desert desert. Like THE DESERT FAM. Coyotes at night, snakes and shit. The air was so dry, your lips would get chapped to let you know death was right around the corner so you better man up baby boy. Beforehand - from all the traveling and flights, and burning myself out on videos and sessions, I found myself listening to a lot of acoustic Nebraska Springsteen type shit. John Moreland, or even like acoustic bayside, Lucero, Leonard Cohen, Tom Waits…..just pure music with no samples, not gridded, not sold, no machine, no click, just real live country music inspired by the human condition….of the earth. It was just speaking to my soul…..so when we booked this to get in the room together….man was I ready. I don’t think ive had an experience so fruitful to the soul. And ive played shows in Slovenia, and sipped espresso on a bridge that looked like a painting, staring at subtle mountain tops off in the distance like I was a character in some book. We started working at night and ran it up till like 3 am. As the sun came down the lights off in the distance miles and miles away were so clear because we were just the only life form around….and it would just shine into the studio windows and reflect on the perimeter making it seem like we were surrounded by New York City. It did a lot for my soul to play drums, acoustic, sing, play piano, shred electric, even mix a little. I felt like I made a very fast lifelong friend. Its been a minute since I got on with someone like that. We talked a lot about growing up touring. And wed finish each others sentences regarding topics that ONLY people like us would know. Like Subway being a life line for DIY touring, or the weird strange feelings of comfort from rest stops in the middle of nowhere at 4 am, the rest stop coffee that you get to just make the next 2 hours of the drive into town bearable. But then you see your boy from your band in the other aisle so you throw shit at him. Then you all stumble back into the van/bus and just disappear into the night. This shit was so needed for me. When Id wake up, id make espresso, and just sit out front and listen to Joe Rogan, at this random chair that was behind his studio, facing the mountains. Just endless property waiting to leave you 6 feet in the ground. I sat there and sipped my espresso, and just reflected on the long journey of my career. How many random moments like this ive found myself in since I was 15. In the middle of the desert where Springsteen hangs out with my heroes, off the strength of my songwriting. Or in Romania drinking coffee, fucked off, on a bench far from the venue, by random train lines in the pouring rain by myself. The farthest from humanity I can be. Or the random VFW hall in my head that I don’t even know where it is, with my little punk crew, who all smell like complete shit and cigarettes and soda, fucked off god knows where, just to finger point and sing along to this band we found on myspace that were in OUR hometown the weekend prior singing to our band. Theres just an endless string of memories that can go on forever, with stories that just fulfill a lifetime, of conversations that just make the white lines on I95 move faster. Or just everyone is quiet - reading a book - texting - exhausted from the night prior - and you just ABRUPTLY turn on teenage dream by Katy Perry SOOOO LOUD - take your shirt off and start dropping it like its hot from the passenger front seat, and catch a mid afternoon front flip stage dive into the backseat. From those youthful days of this underground spirit, to existing in a realm of pure monsters of my craft, I truly believe this next decade could co exist and be one for the books. Damn I feel good. Also me and Sasso started a book club called BSU and you can’t be in it because you probably read books and the only rule for our book club besides not speaking about book club is, you can’t read books. Okay im going to go buy a bike right now so I can ride It to Mexico and get abducted by the cartel and sold for bitcoin. FAREWELL EARTHLINGZ. 

[fortunesrevolver]

Commission: Start Simple

Alternate Title: The FitnessGram™ Pacer Test is a multistage aerobic capacity test that progressively... *shot* Series: Persona 5 Request: Ann and Ryuji bonding at the gym; much like a social link. Platonic. For: @lloyd-irving

This one... was tons of fun too. I love the Persona series to pieces, and this was a story where I got to write two characters I don’t write for that often. It’s only my second time writing either one of them, so I’m really hopeful that it turned out well. Still, I am proud of this one and it was a total blast to write. :)

Thank you again for the commission!

“So… why’re we here again?” Ryuji murmured as he made no effort to conceal a loud yawn and rubbed his eyes.

With a small growl, Ann tossed her towel and water bottle onto a nearby chair and turned, arms crossed. “I told you before! I was serious about wanting to slim down and tone up!”

“Mm… that’s great and all, but why the hell are we here so damn early? It’s like… the ass-crack of dawn.”

“We get up this early for school every day,” Ann pointed out, her jacket joining the pile next. “Besides, I’ve read like… three articles saying that the morning is the best time to train! It wakes up your body and gets you ready for the day.”

“...more like put you to sleep. The hell sort of articles have you been reading?”

“Good ones,” Ann chirped and waved her hand dismissively. “Does it matter? You said you’d help me out, sooo… Show me your secrets, oh guru gym master!”

“If I knew helping you meant getting up this early, I’d have just told you to find a trainer.” Despite his grumblings, Ryuji tossed his own belongings next to Ann’s and bend forward, releasing a low groan of satisfaction as his shoulders popped and his muscles warmed to the familiar movements.

“That’s just mean…” Ann huffed, “And gross. Get your butt outta my face.”

“I’m not showing you my ass, dummy.” Ryuji straightened, bending to the side. “I’m doing stretches. You need to do them before and after a workout.”

“Really…?” Ann blinked, moving closer to observe his movements and began to try and mimic them. “Does it help?”

“Helps if you don’t like cramps. It--what the hell are you doing?”

“Um,” Ann looked up from her twisted position. “Stretching?”

“Do you even pay attention in gym class?” Ryuji frowned, pausing mid-stretch.

“Of course I do!” Ann gasped, trying to force out as much of a scandalized tone as she could. Pay attention she might, but memorize she’d never bothered. They rarely started with more than one or two before they go to whatever the task of the day was. “Geez… even after getting hurt, you still make this look so easy.”

“I’m gonna assume that was a compliment.” Rolling his eyes, Ryuji straightened himself and moved over to Ann. “You’re just gonna hurt yourself twistin’ around like that.” That’s the last thing he needed. An injured girl -- let alone a friend -- in a nearly empty gym. He really didn’t want to have to deal with the assumptions that would follow him out the door. “Here, look, split your legs like this. Keep your legs straight and bend at your waist.” He placed his hands on her hips to guide her to the proper stance. “Bending your knees is just cheatin’. Don’t worry about reachin’ your toes. Ain’t important right now. You’ll get farther the more you stretch.”

“Wow, Ryuji,” Ann grinned, wiggling her fingers as they stopped just short of her toes. “If I didn’t know better, I’d almost call that a smooth move.”

“...no thanks,” he dead-panned. “I like my girls a little less… violent.”

“E-excuse me?!”

“I’ve seen you with a whip,” Ryuji shrugged. “I don’t need that in this world anymore than I need it in that one. Now do the other leg. I’ll count.”

------

By the end of stretching, Ann’s mood had taken a surprisingly steep upturn and Ryuji wondered if he should bother trying to get her to save energy. He had been just as bad the first time he’d gone to the gym -- confident, energetic, and ready to take on any machine he could get his hands on. Which had been a horrible mistake. At least he could keep Ann from having to spend a day covered in ice and heating pads.

“Alright!” Ann cheered and looked around the room. “What’s first? Weights? The… uh, bench push? Oooh, what about that one?” She pointed toward an elliptical. “That looks like it’d toughen me up.”

“Uh, no.” Ryuji shook his head. “No way. You’re gonna kill yourself if you just go runnin’ around half-cocked. We’re gonna start easy.”

“Whaaat? But that’s boring! I’ve gotten plenty of muscle from--”

“You ain’t got your persona here to help out,” Ryuji shook his head, “or… weird… fancy armor clothes. Start simple or don’t start at all.”

“...fine, fine. What’s first?”

“Treadmill.” Ryuji jerked his head to their right. “Come over here, walk for five minutes and then I’ll show you how to bump up to a jog.”

“...wow, when you said simple, you really meant simple.” Ann sighed, but complied as she climbed up onto the running platform. “Sooo, I just push this button here a couple of times?”

“Yeah, and then--shit! Ann, not that many--” It was too late. The machine burst into life. Startled, Ann yelped and tried to steady herself against the sudden fast-paced thrumming of the belt, but after only a few steps she’d lost her balance and careened backwards into Ryuji’s chest and sent them both to the floor.

“O-owwww…”

“Shit… Dammit, Ann! This is why I said start easy. You’re gonna hurt yourself!”

With a frown, Ann pushed herself back up, rubbing her rear as she huffed at the still-running treadmill. “...geez, I didn’t think it would be this hard.” She turned, guilt tugging at her chest as Ryuji stumbled to his feet. “Um, are you--”

“...walking first,” Ryuji waved her off with a flick of his wrist. “Like this. I’ll tell you when to speed it up.”

“...right, okay. Walking. I can do that no problem.”

Not bothering to answer, he wasn’t about to intentionally set himself up for getting hit, he reset the machine and helped Ann up onto the belt, showing her the proper movement for switching her feet to the sidebars when she needed a break. “Now just… walk for a few minutes. I’ll be right next to you.”

“Right!”

True to her word, and Ryuji’s relief, Ann kept her pace slow and steady. Her face was drawn tight with focus and Ryuji had to admit, her motivation was admirable. Somewhat scary and possibly dangerous for anyone who got in her way, but admirable. It reminded him of when he’d first started track.

“Alright, now hit that button twice. It’ll take you to a jog.”

“Woohoo! Levelling up!”

“...sure,” Ryuji snorted, “just make sure you pay attention.”

“P’shaw, this is easy-peasy.”

“Yeah, say that to the chick who nearly knocked me out a few minutes ago.”

“...that’s just mean,” Ann pouted, but soon returned her focus to the treadmill as she speed reached its maximum speed for her setting.

Beside her, Ryuji was upped his own to a slow run. Jogging was an easy enough start, but if he wanted to keep getting better, he had to push himself at least a little bit. Ann had the right idea, wanting to improve so quickly. Mementos and all the Palaces they’d found helped a lot, but there was no way all that ‘crazy shit’ would last forever. He’d have to get better on his own terms if he wanted to pull his own weight.

How had so much happened in just a few months? It was like Akira arriving had been some sort of big boom that triggered more events Ryuji ever thought possible. Not to mention, now they had Yusuke and Makoto and things were getting even more crazy. Both in that world and in their own. What the hell was he going to do about the track team and--

“W-whoa, uh, hey, Ryuji…!”

Ryuji blinked, jerked out of his daze in time to realize he’d sped up his machine just a little too much and he was limping. Badly. His leg throbbed in protest and he stumbled, cursing in alarm as he pitched forward, barely managing to grab the arm rails to keep his face off spinning belt.

“Holy crap…!” Ann leapt forward, slapping her hands over the controls in a blind panic. The belt briefly sped up, making Ryuji shout again before she successfully hit the power button and the whole thing came to a slow stop.

“...shit,” Ryuji coughed, dropping to his knees. “Shit, ow, damn.”

“H-hey…” Ann frowned, concern evident on her face as she glanced around. “Here, I…”

He took her hand gratefully and stumbled his way over to the chair she’d cleared of their things. Maybe he was the one who needed to pay more attention to his own rules.

“Are you… okay?” Ann asked, holding out his bottle of water. “You weren’t answering me at all and your leg…”

“S’fine,” Ryuji slumped against the back of the chair. “Just got lost in my thoughts. Wasn’t payin’ attention.”

“Want me to go see if they’ve got ice?” Ann paused, then pointed to his leg. “You’re shaking.”

“...it’ll be fine,” Ryuji shook his head, a wry smile on his face. “Guess I was the one pushin’ a little too hard.”

“...I guess that means it still hurts, huh?” Ann stood up, grabbing her towel as she took the seat beside him. “I remember back in middle school… you used to be the fastest kid I knew. I was totally convinced you’d end up being some running star. Like in the olympics or…” she trailed off, wincing. “...sorry, I guess I’m not helping.”

Ryuji laughed. “I’m used to that.”

“Hey!”

“Seriously though… I’m alright. Not a big deal. I’m usually here with Akira and he calls my ass out when I zone like that. So… thanks.”

“Sure…” Ann nodded, still worried. “Are you… going to join the team again?”

“Huh?”

“Akira said you’ve been working really hard lately,” she motioned around the gym. “Here and at school. I was wondering if you wanted to join again.”

“Maybe before,” Ryuji shrugged and gulped down a swig of water. “Think I wanted to at some point, but… then I just decided I wanted to do it for myself. Don’t think I’ll ever join again. I just… wanted to prove to myself I could do it. Get back to somewhere close to where I was, you know? Not feel so…”

“Useless?”

“Something like that.” He took another drink. “What about you? Why so serious about this all of a sudden? That agency of yours ain’t giving you shit for your weight, are they?”

“No, no…” Ann shook her head. “Surprisingly, I’ve never had trouble.”

“...damn, with all those sweets you eat, I kinda thought you were already a gym-nut.”

“Oh shut up. I’ve got awesome metabolism, that’s all.”

“That what it is? Here I thought you just burned it all on nagging.”

“Haha,” Ann rolled her eyes and tossed Ryuji’s towel at his face. “I guess… maybe it’s for modelling? I’m not sure. I think that’s part of it, but…” she trailed off, and Ryuji said nothing in response, waiting for her to continue. “I think… I want to get stronger for myself and you guys. And Shiho too. I just… after what happened, I felt so weak. And now we have that other world and… I don’t know. Maybe I felt like I wasn’t trying hard enough? Or just…”

“Like you wanted to do more?”

“Yeah…” Ann nodded. “Akira does so much for all of us. I mean, he’s our leader and all, but he takes care of us here too. I think… maybe I just want to help him carry all his weight. The same way he helps us.”

Ryuji nodded. Akira did seem to be a driving force for all of them. Even Makoto, an already determined and fighting spirit, seemed to have changed after meeting him. Or maybe it was just after accepting themselves and meeting their Persona that it had all changed, but that had come after Akira too. It was weird to think about it, all that motivation stoked by one person but spurred on by their own desires.

“I think you’ve been getting better,” Ryuji murmured. “Fighting, I mean. We all used to stumble around pretty bad, but… I’ve noticed when we fight in Mementos, you’re getting a little faster. And you, uh, whip harder… n’ stuff.”

“...wow,” Ann snorted. “For a moment there I actually thought you were going to say something sweet. But you’re just a mess as always.”

“You know what--”

“...but thanks,” she smiled, a softer look in her eyes. “Really. And for coming today.”

Ryuji shrugged. “No big deal. Helps me too. I’d be here alone anyway. Might as well go with a friend.”

“Sooo, if I said I wanted to come again tomorrow…?”

“Hell no,” shaking his head, Ryuji dabbed at his face. “Tomorrow is a day off. Don’t push yourself too hard or you’ll just collapse.”

“But--”

“Wednesday,” he cut in. “We’ll come here twice a week while you get started. Once you’re used to it we’ll turn it up.”

“You’ll keep helping me?! Really?”

“Don’t see why not. I need the gym, you need it. Together we can make sure nothin’ goes wrong.”

“Woohoo! You’re the greatest!” Ann beamed. “This is great--we’re gonna celebrate. We’re gonna get cake on the way home! My treat.”

“Cake? Really? The hell sort of post workout food is that?” Ryuji shook his head. This girl really didn’t get it. Not yet, but she’d done well for her first day. A little treat couldn’t hurt. Probably. “I thought you wanted to slim down.”

“Oh, shut up. We’ll get something healthy. Like cheesecake with fruit! Fruit is healthy.”

“Uh, yeah, when it’s not on cake.”

“Shut uuuup,” Ann whined, “I’m offering you food. Just take it.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Ryuji stood up and tested his weight on his leg. It still hurt, but at least he wasn’t shaking anymore. “Set your stuff down. We gotta finish off with stretches.”

“More of those?”

“If you wanna cramp up--”

“Ugh, ew, no, fine, stretching.” Ann stood, looking hopeful. “...then cake?”

Ryuji smiled faintly. How Ann managed to have the same level of motivation for working out as she did for obtaining cake was wild. “Yeah, sure, then cake.” He bent down, reaching for his toes. “Hurry up and bend. I’ll count.”

[iamkellyadams]

60 Self-Care Ideas for Women (Checklist)

Self-Care is…

Taking personal responsibility for one’s physical, emotional, mental and spiritual health

Good for your mind, body, spirit, life, and soul

NOT selfish

A habit that makes you flourish, not just function

A choice

Preventive

Imperative

A deliberate effort

Making yourself a priority

A lifelong practice

Empowering

A lifestyle

A ritual

Its time for you to

Reclaim your FREEDOM

Reclaim your POWER

Reclaim your PEACE

7 Self-Care Strategies

Make yourself a priority

Be your own caretaker as you are for others

Don’t apologize for putting yourself first

There is no reason to be sorry for loving and taking care of yourself

Ditch the guilt

Understand the big picture, without self-care you end up running on empty and you cannot care for or give to others from an empty cup

Ditch Perfection

Let go of perfection, it’s exhausting and nobody is perfect. Life is too short.

Plan to be Spontaneous

Take advantage of the many opportunities throughout the day for self-care, small actions yield big results

Make Self-Care your own

Choose self-care techniques that help you to destress, stay calm, and take good care of yourself

Create a Habit with rituals

Commit to doing some type of self-care activity each day, before long it will become automatic, and you will find the positive results motivating you to continue

60 Self-Care Ideas

Have a support system

Get help as you need it

People to talk to and process emotions

Learn to identify and process emotions

Learn to say no

Believe in it, practice it, and say it as needed

Create and believe in your own boundaries

Boundaries protect you from harm, just as the borders are there to protect countries

Find Solitude

Clear your mind

Gather your thoughts

Slow down

Practice mindfulness

Focus on the present moment and really pay attention to what is going on

Keeps you in the present moment

Prevents senseless worry about the future and nagging thoughts of the past

Get a treatment at the salon

Blow-out

Manicure

Pedicure

Anything that makes you feel good and renewed

Take a hot aromatherapy bath

Do Something that is fun, senseless and makes you relax

Create a morning routine

Morning rituals help get you centered for the day ahead

Meditation

Prayer

Visualization

Uplifting podcast

Exercise

Anything that works for you

Facial massage

Read a book

Spend time with friends

Drink a hot cup of herbal tea

Turn of all noise

Find silence by turning off your phone, social media alerts

Cook healthy meal

Keeps you grounded and in touch with what you are eating

Practice gratitude

Be grateful for your job, all you have and your life it will keep you centered and more calm

Break free from negative and/or unhealthy people

Their negativity drags you down

They are not likely to support your wellbeing

They cause you stress

Get up slowly without a blaring alarm

It sets a calm tone for the day

Create a beautiful garden for yourself to sit in and relax

Nature is soothing, calming, and restorative

Practice deep breathing several times each day

Meditate

Do nothing

Take a few moments each day and do nothing but space out

Plan periods of time without plans

Leave blocks of time during your weekly schedule to do nothing and have nothing planned

Be spontaneous

Do something spur of the moment, take a drive, read, take a nap, go to lunch with a friend, or just watch TV

Exercise and physical movement

Release feel good chemicals in the brain

Reduce stress

Detoxifies the body

Greatly improves mood

Take scenic drive

Practice yoga

More than sixty benefits for mind, body, and spirit

Effects stay with you long after each session has passed

Have sex

Promotes relaxation

Stimulates release of feel good hormones in the brain

Intimacy nurtures emotional health and feeds your soul

Recharge with a spa day

Practice positivity

Miraculously healing

Optimists live longer and handle stress much better than pessimists do

Be okay with disappointment

It’s okay to be disappointed with yourself

It’s okay if others are disappointed in you

Be your own best friend

Love

Honor

Support

Respect

Meet needs

Be there for

Spend time alone to rest, refuel and regroup your mind and spirit

Create claiming surroundings

Get rid of clutter in your home, office, and car

Consider your friends and relationships

Do they fulfil you, support your wellbeing, and inspire you to be your best, or do they drag you down?

Consider your routine

Is it chaotic

Does it make you crazy?

Make changes as needed with a focus on your wellbeing

Make a list of your greatest qualities and read it often

Stare at the clouds

Find some grass, lay down, and just watch the clouds float in the sky

Play like children do

Childlike play feeds the spirit, and promotes emotional health

Scrutinize your schedule

Is it overfilled? Are overly burdened?

Make every possible effort to eliminate things that cause overwhelm

Fix nagging annoyances

These little things annoy and nag, and over time this can cause unnecessary mental and emotional burdens

Change that light bulb

Make that phone call

Fix that stuck drawer

Just one thing

Do one thing makes you happy every single day

Smell a flower, listen to your favorite song, hug yourself, think of those good things that feed your soul

Unplug

Unplug all electronics for at least half an hour each daily

Phone, laptop, tablet, social media, email alerts, landlines, all of it!

Evaluate your social media updates

Do you really need to be bothered with constant updates from 100 plus people?

Information overload promotes stress and prevents your mind being calm and centered

Listen to your body

Listen for hunger, thirst, exhaustion, the need to rest

Dance

Great exercise

Music helps feel good hormones in the brain

Stretch

Destress and recharge

Plan your meals

Eat healthy by planning ahead and having it ready

Avoid eating junk food when you get too busy to consider a healthy meal

Practice positive self-talk

Positive affirmations remind you that you are worth it and deserve self-nurture to promote self-care actions

Spend time in nature

Nature is soothing, refreshing and re-energizes the mind, and spirit

Splurge

Buy yourself something self-indulgent, just because you deserve it

Get some sun

Spend a few moments in the sun each day, don’t forget the sunscreen

Inhale wellness

Essential oils used in aromatherapy are therapeutic and help create a certain mood

Lavender for calm

Peppermint to boost energy, motivation, and mood

Laugh regularly for the health of mind, body and spirit

Take a quick nap

A nap that lasts between 10-20 minutes completely rejuvenates your mind and energizes your body so you can tackle anything that comes your way

Take up a hobby or sport

Candlelit dinner for one

Take yourself out for a delectable gourmet dinner and celebrate your own company

Journal

Allows you to vent frustrations, process emotions and reflect

Receive love freely

Love is the ultimate healer, no matter how bad things get, love can pull you out

Seek it, receive it and give it

The best self-care medicine there is

Who am I and Why you should listen to me?

For those of you that don’t know I am Hillary Fay, I have a passion for yoga and transformational arts. This overflows into everything that I create from my classes, workshops, yoga teacher training’s, Reiki certifications, and Evolutionary Arts Practitioner Certification.

As a teacher and teacher of teachers, I am here to help you deepen into your own Source of Unconditional Love — S.O.U.L. So, you can access all the gifts that always are, and always will be inherent within you through breath work, Kundalini Yoga, Reiki, Alchemy, Vinyasa Flow, Meditation and much more.

My passion is sharing what I have learned with everyone.

From a very young age I was inspired to seek healing and be at peace. At the young tender age of 12 I had lived in 8 states, been through trauma and abuse and experienced far more than any 12-year-old should.

From the deep suffering came the greatest gift I could have ever imagined.

Now I embody love and want to help others do just the same. I’ve taught over 10,000 students. You are capable of being loved, filled with energy and amazing presence!

Ask yourself – what would it be like to wake up feeling happy and confident, that you’ll have all the energy you need to feel good at the end of the day? Now you can feel the transformation of deep self-care.

In this fast-paced world, we live in, it can get lost as to what we need to do to help ourselves.

I’ve designed a program to help you increase energy, return to your own power, and give yourself the boost you need to continue showing up for others without draining themselves.

In my Ultimate Self-Care Kit, you’ll be getting tried and proven practices to help you create and set the energy you need to feel your best in only minutes a day.

Introducing…

THE ULTIMATE SELF-CARE KIT

The Ultimate Self-Care Kit contains everything you need to dive deep into what self-love and self-care really are. 

Including 7 guided meditation audios created with binaural beats which help to access deeper states of well-being:

The Safe to Be Mediation to reconnect with your breath

A powerful Energy Clearing meditation that you can use every single day to reset your energy

The Deep Relaxation Meditation for Self-Care to unwind your nervous system

A Yoga Nidra (the Yoga of Sleep) Meditation. This will help you tap into your Theta state where you can access your own source of intuition and love. The more we access Theta state the more we learn how to trust ourselves and our own gut instincts.

The Divine Mother Meditation will help you feel cherished, love and accepted.

The Love Consciousness Activation is designed to support you in grounding.

The Self Sourcing Meditation for igniting the love and support you deserve

You simply need to get comfy on your couch or in a quiet space and focus on your much needed self-care to help you get real stress relief and the rejuvenation of spirit they desperately want.  

​Special bonuses include potent breathing exercises and meditation videos from the best of yogic science:

Breathing exercises to help you relax into a restful night’s sleep

Breathing exercises to boost your immune system and activate your Inner Sun

Full Hatha yoga class specifically designed for self-care and grounding

PDF workbook for Creating Healthy Boundaries

This helps you live your best life…without the guilt, which empowers you and everyone around you.

Regain control of your mind, body, and spirit…and feel the power of true transformation. You need my Ultimate Self-Care Kit in your life right now. Click here, The Ultimate Self-Care Kit.

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[s7groupinc-blog]

Adam Radly Bob Bates: 4 Mindfulness Tips to Start Reducing Stress In Your Life Today

https://www.entrepreneur.com/article/336554?utm_source=feedly&utm_medium=webfeeds Adam Radly Bob Bates: Interesting article Whether it's fleeting, in-the-moment stress or elevated, long-term stress, it’s important to find healthy techniques that allow your mind and body to unwind, relax and regroup. Having spent a decade in wealth management and now running my own business as an entrepreneur, I am no stranger to the fast-paced nature of the work world. Long hours, mounting demands and deadlines, high-pressure -- you name it, I’ve felt it. And it wasn't just taking a toll on me, it was impacting the physical and mental fitness of my colleagues as well. I had a moment of clarity and realized that I needed to take a step back from my work and focus on what was really important: me! Avoiding stress, or a feeling of being overwhelmed is nearly impossible; this is a natural part of life and overcoming challenges is what allows us to grow and become even stronger, more powerful versions of ourselves. What is possible is shifting the way you view your stress and learning to better understand and partner with it in healthy ways. If stress isn’t acknowledged and properly managed, it can lead to weight fluctuation, digestive problems, brain fog and even depression. After acknowledging my own levels of stress and its effects on my health, I started implementing four simple concepts into my daily life that helped reduce stress while improving my focus, productivity and creativity.  Related: 7 Proven Ways to Redirect Stress Into a Powerful Success Motivator

1. Reduce stress by putting yourself first.

You are the only CEO of your brain and body and the biggest factor in your success, so try to invest in your peace of mind with relaxation activities a little bit each day. Meditation is one of the best techniques, but it can be challenging at first. If you want to become successful at meditation, you must first be able to do two things: relax and concentrate. These are two abilities that our stimulating modern culture of technology, social media, overworking and multitasking have made very difficult. Start with gentle breathing techniques, restorative yoga and finding small ways to be good to yourself and have more fun. You could try walks, time spent in nature, writing or journaling, artistic activities and playing or listening to calm music without lyrics (lyrics can trigger memories.) If you can practice one of these things every day for just ten minutes per day for the next three weeks, you should see a lot of results. 

2. Don’t forget to breathe.

Proper breathing will help you release physical tension, calm the nervous system, bring new energy into the brain and hit the reset button when you run into challenges and feel overwhelmed. The breath is the best method to shift away from whatever thoughts may be causing you to feel stressed or anxious, and back into the present moment, where you can take effective action from a more peaceful state of mind. Try this quick one-minute exercise: close your eyes and count ten long, slow breaths in and out. Breathe deeply all the way into your belly. Most of my clients prefer to repeat to themselves “inhale one, exhale one, inhale two, exhale two…” and so on, to keep a natural rhythm and pace. Stay fully absorbed in counting, practicing letting go of thoughts and distractions as you breathe out. Related: 9 Ways High-Performing Entrepreneurs Handle Stress

3. Take it one task at a time. 

Once you have grasped meditation and self-care practices, become mindful of your work and streamline your workflow. Mindfulness is simply the art of living more fully in the present moment, experiencing life as it is happening. When you work from this state of mindful intention, you reduce distractions and improve productive focus. To bring mindfulness into your daily workflow, try time-blocking your activities and focusing on one task exclusively until it’s complete before moving on. Instead of multitasking, focus first on the areas that add the most value, working through your to-do list one item at a time. When working on tasks you don’t particularly like, rather than treat them as a chore, allow yourself to get creative and discover new experiences within a familiar routine by noticing every aspect of your actions as if for the first time. Become aware of every step and fully immerse yourself in the progress until that item is complete.

4. Give yourself a break and celebrate.

Remember to be proud of all that you accomplish in a day or during the week. No matter how big or small it might seem, take pride in what you do and who you are. Take the top three things you’re grateful for or the accomplishments you want to celebrate and write them down on a piece of paper or Post-It. Then stick it on your bathroom mirror, the keyboard of your laptop, a cupboard door or somewhere else you would see it often as a consistent reminder of what you’ve achieved and what you’re working so hard for. It's a great motivator to stay on track with goals/passions and what brings you joy. Switch them up daily or at least weekly, but never forget the older ones either. Related: 18 Ways to Calm Down When You're Stressed

Turn stress into an asset.

By working towards implementing each of these four ideas into your daily life, you will start to find yourself managing stressful situations with more ease of being and increased mental clarity. You will begin to move towards your goals and ambitions with renewed energy, purpose and motivation. These techniques didn’t come to me overnight. They take time and patience to become second nature and part of a daily routine. It’s worth every minute. Together these four practices helped me find balance in my life and connect with my intended purpose and career path. These techniques allow you to not only improve your physical and mental strength but to allow you to truly thrive at your fullest as you harmonize mind, body and purpose. Radly Bates affiliates: S7 Group Radly Bates Index Radly Bates Consulting Radly Bates Capital Radly Bates Associates Radly Bates Digital Radly Bates Valuations Follow us on social: https://issuu.com/radlybatesconsulting https://issuu.com/radlybatescapital https://issuu.com/radlybatesdigital https://issuu.com/radlybatesassociates. https://issuu.com/radlybatesvaluations https://issuu.com/s7loans Read the full article

[radlybatesconsulting-blog]

Adam Radly Bob Bates: 4 Mindfulness Tips to Start Reducing Stress In Your Life Today

https://www.entrepreneur.com/article/336554?utm_source=feedly&utm_medium=webfeeds Adam Radly Bob Bates: Interesting article Whether it's fleeting, in-the-moment stress or elevated, long-term stress, it’s important to find healthy techniques that allow your mind and body to unwind, relax and regroup. Having spent a decade in wealth management and now running my own business as an entrepreneur, I am no stranger to the fast-paced nature of the work world. Long hours, mounting demands and deadlines, high-pressure -- you name it, I’ve felt it. And it wasn't just taking a toll on me, it was impacting the physical and mental fitness of my colleagues as well. I had a moment of clarity and realized that I needed to take a step back from my work and focus on what was really important: me! Avoiding stress, or a feeling of being overwhelmed is nearly impossible; this is a natural part of life and overcoming challenges is what allows us to grow and become even stronger, more powerful versions of ourselves. What is possible is shifting the way you view your stress and learning to better understand and partner with it in healthy ways. If stress isn’t acknowledged and properly managed, it can lead to weight fluctuation, digestive problems, brain fog and even depression. After acknowledging my own levels of stress and its effects on my health, I started implementing four simple concepts into my daily life that helped reduce stress while improving my focus, productivity and creativity.  Related: 7 Proven Ways to Redirect Stress Into a Powerful Success Motivator

1. Reduce stress by putting yourself first.

You are the only CEO of your brain and body and the biggest factor in your success, so try to invest in your peace of mind with relaxation activities a little bit each day. Meditation is one of the best techniques, but it can be challenging at first. If you want to become successful at meditation, you must first be able to do two things: relax and concentrate. These are two abilities that our stimulating modern culture of technology, social media, overworking and multitasking have made very difficult. Start with gentle breathing techniques, restorative yoga and finding small ways to be good to yourself and have more fun. You could try walks, time spent in nature, writing or journaling, artistic activities and playing or listening to calm music without lyrics (lyrics can trigger memories.) If you can practice one of these things every day for just ten minutes per day for the next three weeks, you should see a lot of results. 

2. Don’t forget to breathe.

Proper breathing will help you release physical tension, calm the nervous system, bring new energy into the brain and hit the reset button when you run into challenges and feel overwhelmed. The breath is the best method to shift away from whatever thoughts may be causing you to feel stressed or anxious, and back into the present moment, where you can take effective action from a more peaceful state of mind. Try this quick one-minute exercise: close your eyes and count ten long, slow breaths in and out. Breathe deeply all the way into your belly. Most of my clients prefer to repeat to themselves “inhale one, exhale one, inhale two, exhale two…” and so on, to keep a natural rhythm and pace. Stay fully absorbed in counting, practicing letting go of thoughts and distractions as you breathe out. Related: 9 Ways High-Performing Entrepreneurs Handle Stress

3. Take it one task at a time. 

Once you have grasped meditation and self-care practices, become mindful of your work and streamline your workflow. Mindfulness is simply the art of living more fully in the present moment, experiencing life as it is happening. When you work from this state of mindful intention, you reduce distractions and improve productive focus. To bring mindfulness into your daily workflow, try time-blocking your activities and focusing on one task exclusively until it’s complete before moving on. Instead of multitasking, focus first on the areas that add the most value, working through your to-do list one item at a time. When working on tasks you don’t particularly like, rather than treat them as a chore, allow yourself to get creative and discover new experiences within a familiar routine by noticing every aspect of your actions as if for the first time. Become aware of every step and fully immerse yourself in the progress until that item is complete.

4. Give yourself a break and celebrate.

Remember to be proud of all that you accomplish in a day or during the week. No matter how big or small it might seem, take pride in what you do and who you are. Take the top three things you’re grateful for or the accomplishments you want to celebrate and write them down on a piece of paper or Post-It. Then stick it on your bathroom mirror, the keyboard of your laptop, a cupboard door or somewhere else you would see it often as a consistent reminder of what you’ve achieved and what you’re working so hard for. It's a great motivator to stay on track with goals/passions and what brings you joy. Switch them up daily or at least weekly, but never forget the older ones either. Related: 18 Ways to Calm Down When You're Stressed

Turn stress into an asset.

By working towards implementing each of these four ideas into your daily life, you will start to find yourself managing stressful situations with more ease of being and increased mental clarity. You will begin to move towards your goals and ambitions with renewed energy, purpose and motivation. These techniques didn’t come to me overnight. They take time and patience to become second nature and part of a daily routine. It’s worth every minute. Together these four practices helped me find balance in my life and connect with my intended purpose and career path. These techniques allow you to not only improve your physical and mental strength but to allow you to truly thrive at your fullest as you harmonize mind, body and purpose. Radly Bates affiliates: S7 Group Radly Bates Index Radly Bates Consulting Radly Bates Capital Radly Bates Associates Radly Bates Digital Radly Bates Valuations Follow us on social: https://issuu.com/radlybatesconsulting https://issuu.com/radlybatescapital https://issuu.com/radlybatesdigital https://issuu.com/radlybatesassociates. https://issuu.com/radlybatesvaluations https://issuu.com/s7loans Read the full article

[radleybatesdigital-blog]

Adam Radly Bob Bates: 4 Mindfulness Tips to Start Reducing Stress In Your Life Today

https://www.entrepreneur.com/article/336554?utm_source=feedly&utm_medium=webfeeds Adam Radly Bob Bates: Interesting article Whether it's fleeting, in-the-moment stress or elevated, long-term stress, it’s important to find healthy techniques that allow your mind and body to unwind, relax and regroup. Having spent a decade in wealth management and now running my own business as an entrepreneur, I am no stranger to the fast-paced nature of the work world. Long hours, mounting demands and deadlines, high-pressure -- you name it, I’ve felt it. And it wasn't just taking a toll on me, it was impacting the physical and mental fitness of my colleagues as well. I had a moment of clarity and realized that I needed to take a step back from my work and focus on what was really important: me! Avoiding stress, or a feeling of being overwhelmed is nearly impossible; this is a natural part of life and overcoming challenges is what allows us to grow and become even stronger, more powerful versions of ourselves. What is possible is shifting the way you view your stress and learning to better understand and partner with it in healthy ways. If stress isn’t acknowledged and properly managed, it can lead to weight fluctuation, digestive problems, brain fog and even depression. After acknowledging my own levels of stress and its effects on my health, I started implementing four simple concepts into my daily life that helped reduce stress while improving my focus, productivity and creativity.  Related: 7 Proven Ways to Redirect Stress Into a Powerful Success Motivator

1. Reduce stress by putting yourself first.

You are the only CEO of your brain and body and the biggest factor in your success, so try to invest in your peace of mind with relaxation activities a little bit each day. Meditation is one of the best techniques, but it can be challenging at first. If you want to become successful at meditation, you must first be able to do two things: relax and concentrate. These are two abilities that our stimulating modern culture of technology, social media, overworking and multitasking have made very difficult. Start with gentle breathing techniques, restorative yoga and finding small ways to be good to yourself and have more fun. You could try walks, time spent in nature, writing or journaling, artistic activities and playing or listening to calm music without lyrics (lyrics can trigger memories.) If you can practice one of these things every day for just ten minutes per day for the next three weeks, you should see a lot of results. 

2. Don’t forget to breathe.

Proper breathing will help you release physical tension, calm the nervous system, bring new energy into the brain and hit the reset button when you run into challenges and feel overwhelmed. The breath is the best method to shift away from whatever thoughts may be causing you to feel stressed or anxious, and back into the present moment, where you can take effective action from a more peaceful state of mind. Try this quick one-minute exercise: close your eyes and count ten long, slow breaths in and out. Breathe deeply all the way into your belly. Most of my clients prefer to repeat to themselves “inhale one, exhale one, inhale two, exhale two…” and so on, to keep a natural rhythm and pace. Stay fully absorbed in counting, practicing letting go of thoughts and distractions as you breathe out. Related: 9 Ways High-Performing Entrepreneurs Handle Stress

3. Take it one task at a time. 

Once you have grasped meditation and self-care practices, become mindful of your work and streamline your workflow. Mindfulness is simply the art of living more fully in the present moment, experiencing life as it is happening. When you work from this state of mindful intention, you reduce distractions and improve productive focus. To bring mindfulness into your daily workflow, try time-blocking your activities and focusing on one task exclusively until it’s complete before moving on. Instead of multitasking, focus first on the areas that add the most value, working through your to-do list one item at a time. When working on tasks you don’t particularly like, rather than treat them as a chore, allow yourself to get creative and discover new experiences within a familiar routine by noticing every aspect of your actions as if for the first time. Become aware of every step and fully immerse yourself in the progress until that item is complete.

4. Give yourself a break and celebrate.

Remember to be proud of all that you accomplish in a day or during the week. No matter how big or small it might seem, take pride in what you do and who you are. Take the top three things you’re grateful for or the accomplishments you want to celebrate and write them down on a piece of paper or Post-It. Then stick it on your bathroom mirror, the keyboard of your laptop, a cupboard door or somewhere else you would see it often as a consistent reminder of what you’ve achieved and what you’re working so hard for. It's a great motivator to stay on track with goals/passions and what brings you joy. Switch them up daily or at least weekly, but never forget the older ones either. Related: 18 Ways to Calm Down When You're Stressed

Turn stress into an asset.

By working towards implementing each of these four ideas into your daily life, you will start to find yourself managing stressful situations with more ease of being and increased mental clarity. You will begin to move towards your goals and ambitions with renewed energy, purpose and motivation. These techniques didn’t come to me overnight. They take time and patience to become second nature and part of a daily routine. It’s worth every minute. Together these four practices helped me find balance in my life and connect with my intended purpose and career path. These techniques allow you to not only improve your physical and mental strength but to allow you to truly thrive at your fullest as you harmonize mind, body and purpose. Radly Bates affiliates: S7 Group Radly Bates Index Radly Bates Consulting Radly Bates Capital Radly Bates Associates Radly Bates Digital Radly Bates Valuations Follow us on social: https://issuu.com/radlybatesconsulting https://issuu.com/radlybatescapital https://issuu.com/radlybatesdigital https://issuu.com/radlybatesassociates. https://issuu.com/radlybatesvaluations https://issuu.com/s7loans Read the full article

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Adam Radly Bob Bates: 4 Mindfulness Tips to Start Reducing Stress In Your Life Today

https://www.entrepreneur.com/article/336554?utm_source=feedly&utm_medium=webfeeds Adam Radly Bob Bates: Interesting article Whether it's fleeting, in-the-moment stress or elevated, long-term stress, it’s important to find healthy techniques that allow your mind and body to unwind, relax and regroup. Having spent a decade in wealth management and now running my own business as an entrepreneur, I am no stranger to the fast-paced nature of the work world. Long hours, mounting demands and deadlines, high-pressure -- you name it, I’ve felt it. And it wasn't just taking a toll on me, it was impacting the physical and mental fitness of my colleagues as well. I had a moment of clarity and realized that I needed to take a step back from my work and focus on what was really important: me! Avoiding stress, or a feeling of being overwhelmed is nearly impossible; this is a natural part of life and overcoming challenges is what allows us to grow and become even stronger, more powerful versions of ourselves. What is possible is shifting the way you view your stress and learning to better understand and partner with it in healthy ways. If stress isn’t acknowledged and properly managed, it can lead to weight fluctuation, digestive problems, brain fog and even depression. After acknowledging my own levels of stress and its effects on my health, I started implementing four simple concepts into my daily life that helped reduce stress while improving my focus, productivity and creativity.  Related: 7 Proven Ways to Redirect Stress Into a Powerful Success Motivator

1. Reduce stress by putting yourself first.

You are the only CEO of your brain and body and the biggest factor in your success, so try to invest in your peace of mind with relaxation activities a little bit each day. Meditation is one of the best techniques, but it can be challenging at first. If you want to become successful at meditation, you must first be able to do two things: relax and concentrate. These are two abilities that our stimulating modern culture of technology, social media, overworking and multitasking have made very difficult. Start with gentle breathing techniques, restorative yoga and finding small ways to be good to yourself and have more fun. You could try walks, time spent in nature, writing or journaling, artistic activities and playing or listening to calm music without lyrics (lyrics can trigger memories.) If you can practice one of these things every day for just ten minutes per day for the next three weeks, you should see a lot of results. 

2. Don’t forget to breathe.

Proper breathing will help you release physical tension, calm the nervous system, bring new energy into the brain and hit the reset button when you run into challenges and feel overwhelmed. The breath is the best method to shift away from whatever thoughts may be causing you to feel stressed or anxious, and back into the present moment, where you can take effective action from a more peaceful state of mind. Try this quick one-minute exercise: close your eyes and count ten long, slow breaths in and out. Breathe deeply all the way into your belly. Most of my clients prefer to repeat to themselves “inhale one, exhale one, inhale two, exhale two…” and so on, to keep a natural rhythm and pace. Stay fully absorbed in counting, practicing letting go of thoughts and distractions as you breathe out. Related: 9 Ways High-Performing Entrepreneurs Handle Stress

3. Take it one task at a time. 

Once you have grasped meditation and self-care practices, become mindful of your work and streamline your workflow. Mindfulness is simply the art of living more fully in the present moment, experiencing life as it is happening. When you work from this state of mindful intention, you reduce distractions and improve productive focus. To bring mindfulness into your daily workflow, try time-blocking your activities and focusing on one task exclusively until it’s complete before moving on. Instead of multitasking, focus first on the areas that add the most value, working through your to-do list one item at a time. When working on tasks you don’t particularly like, rather than treat them as a chore, allow yourself to get creative and discover new experiences within a familiar routine by noticing every aspect of your actions as if for the first time. Become aware of every step and fully immerse yourself in the progress until that item is complete.

4. Give yourself a break and celebrate.

Remember to be proud of all that you accomplish in a day or during the week. No matter how big or small it might seem, take pride in what you do and who you are. Take the top three things you’re grateful for or the accomplishments you want to celebrate and write them down on a piece of paper or Post-It. Then stick it on your bathroom mirror, the keyboard of your laptop, a cupboard door or somewhere else you would see it often as a consistent reminder of what you’ve achieved and what you’re working so hard for. It's a great motivator to stay on track with goals/passions and what brings you joy. Switch them up daily or at least weekly, but never forget the older ones either. Related: 18 Ways to Calm Down When You're Stressed

Turn stress into an asset.

By working towards implementing each of these four ideas into your daily life, you will start to find yourself managing stressful situations with more ease of being and increased mental clarity. You will begin to move towards your goals and ambitions with renewed energy, purpose and motivation. These techniques didn’t come to me overnight. They take time and patience to become second nature and part of a daily routine. It’s worth every minute. Together these four practices helped me find balance in my life and connect with my intended purpose and career path. These techniques allow you to not only improve your physical and mental strength but to allow you to truly thrive at your fullest as you harmonize mind, body and purpose. Radly Bates affiliates: S7 Group Radly Bates Index Radly Bates Consulting Radly Bates Capital Radly Bates Associates Radly Bates Digital Radly Bates Valuations Follow us on social: https://issuu.com/radlybatesconsulting https://issuu.com/radlybatescapital https://issuu.com/radlybatesdigital https://issuu.com/radlybatesassociates. https://issuu.com/radlybatesvaluations https://issuu.com/s7loans Read the full article