#i just want money so i can buy food without feeling immense guilt. i’m lucky to be ok without a job though

[windrunner]

I wanna get a job so bad but I bring an “androgy.ne with chronic RBF and unacceptably autis.tic movement pattern” vibe to the workplace that a lot of people in my area loathe

[unrequestedthoughts]

Oh hey journal.

It’s me.

You didn’t forget about me, did you? ‘Course not since you’re a journal and have no cognitive abilities.

Anywho, Haley told me to journal, so here I am.

Oh, what’s that Journal? You want an update on my life? Well, I’ll tell you. Also, why did I just personify you by capitalizing the J in Journal? I don’t know but I figure I need to talk to someone or something and you’re the lucky bastard.

Life update: I haven’t made much professional development, oh, and I became a dad.

Who knew having a child would be so sweet and so hard and so infuriating at the same time? I love my little bug so much - waking up with her in the mornings as she stretches and waves at the world. I love making her belly laugh as I pour water from a cup into her bath. I love seeing mom and her laugh and learn together, a connection that is just perfect. But it’s also hard - I feel irrationally angry at times when I’m so tired, or just want some relief from the kiddo. I lament the days I could go on solo runs or rides, and even when I have the opportunity to do such a thing, I feel an immense amount of guilt about being away from the fam.

It’s such a strange thing: On one hand, I have to be selfless and giving of a whole chunk of my life. Yet, on the other hand, I need to preserve myself in order to support the family. Right now, I’m feeling like I don’t have a self - I’m just existing, not living. I feel stuck at work where more and more people seem to be achieving and growing in the company and I’m stuck in the same place as I was 5 years ago. It’s frustrating and embarrassing and makes me want to quick cold turkey, but guess what? I can’t. I couldn’t do that as we would have very little income and I can’t make that leap.

How do people do the grind? How do people have so much drive and focus during the day to be able to achieve great things? I’m rapidly approaching my 33rd year on this earth, which means that IF I live to 100, I’m nearly a third of the way. IF I make it to 70, I’m nearly half-way there. Death still scares me immensely, but that’s another topic all together. What I’m frustrated and saddened by is that I feel like I’ll just be average for the rest of my life. I know it may sound silly, but I feel that I’ll just never do much that is notable, and I know that this is based on my own perception of success and it is distorted by societal pressures. It is a feeling I experience frequently and it concerns me. Me, the slightly-above average person. I don’t know why that makes me so sad.

Maybe it’s the fact both my parents and my only sibling achieved “it”. And what do I mean by “it”, well, that is the question. Why the fuck am I so concerned about the success of my parents and sister in comparison with my own success? Why the fuck do I compare with others in the same way? I don’t know, maybe it’s because I WANT that. I want to FEEL successful. I want to be able to afford the reasonable car without having to worry about the mortgage. I want Haley to feel secure in how we’re able to save for our future yet still live an enjoyable life. I want bug to grow up with as many opportunities to grow as she can. I want to be able to buy bike parts and not have to scrounge for something to sell to justify it. I want to be able to buy firewood because it is a need, and in this moment in time, I do not have the ability to put in the time and effort to split my own wood. Being tight on money is a whole other type of imprisonment. It is crippling and stifling and all consuming. And even then, we have a fucking house, two excellent cars, gear for so many activities, and have never had to question if we’d have food on the table. I’ve got it made, but I want more, or at least I think I want more.

I guess I’m not sure what I would want if I didn’t have all these pressures pushing against me. My hope is that I would want a simple life and to love people. Haley asked me what matters most to me and I answered “Caring for people”, but all this shit I listed above… other than my direct family, who is it caring for? I want to justify my desire to make more money (I guess my idea of success, in this instance) as a way to pour into others, but I know if we made $20K more a year, we could easily just pour it into our own life. We’d pay off the car, only to start looking for a new car/house project/vacation. I’m selfish at heart, and I know it. I only think about things for myself, not for Haley. Jeeze, this is all over the place.

So. This rambling. What is it all for? Why do I desire “success” and define success by how much I can make? It’s because I see that making more is the way to being a little bit happier and more secure. Okay, I guess not happier, but maybe more secure. But, is that what life is about? Being secure? I mean, when one has a kid, it changes fucking everything. I understand why dad’s take crazy jobs with crazy hours in crazy locales when the pay is good - it allows them to better provide a secure future for their family, but I seem to not have that drive. Maybe I need to define what security looks like - Maybe it’s more accurate to say I want security versus success. Gah, i don’t know where this is going.

I can’t start this paragraph with “So” because this was supposed to be my “here’s the point” paragraph, but in looking just a little bit iup the page, I see I was supposed to have some sort of idea of how to move forward or have a revelation of some type in the previous paragraph. I think one of my realizations is that I truly just want security, financially speaking. I think we will always be frugal with our finances (heck, my ‘dream car’ is a plugin-hybrid RAV4) but when it’s tight and we have to pick this or that, it’s frustrating. It’s frustrating to not have the freedom to say yes to things. I see how folks can get behind and then the next thing they know they’re drowning in life. And I also see how having more fluid funds can provide a sense of security in the “well I can buy my way out” or “I can always afford any solution” but that’s not what life is about.

Life is about caring for folks. Life is staiying at refuge and hearing folks’ stories about life on the streets and growing up in abusive households. Life is laughing at funny sounds and pop-up dogs and cats. Life is about loving folks - connecting and truly knowing someone. But I’m so concerned about fucking STUFF.

God it makes me mad to even type that out, but it’s true. I need to change my mindset. I need help focusing on what is truly important and reasonable and to abandon thoughts of mediocrity. Maybe I will get to have a fancy pants job and make a shit load more money, but will I be caring for folks better? I sure hope so but I don’t know for certain.

Well, it’s 9:20, and my eyes are getting heavy, so maybe I’ll just close them and start typing just what my brain thinks. Yeah, I’m gonna do that. It’s like predictive texting but it’s all in my head which is wild, like how am I doing this while also falling asleep? I’m not sure and I’m not THAT tired, (he lied). I know I need to be less distracted at work, and I think I need medication to hopefully help with focus and drive - I’m dying at work all because of my own volition. I am my own worse enemy, sabotaging what could be a good thing, mostly because I want out of there. I have a messed up view that I don’t need to put in the effort because “what’ll they do, fire me?” But I need to work toward something. I think I need meds to help with my focus as I get so distracted and can’t figure out how to focus. Ironic that just a year ago I had a Ford Focus AND a Focus Mares bike, both my modes of transportation begging me to narrow my concentration on something specific. That went real well, didn’t it?

Now we’re at the epic song in the soundtrack by m83 (it’s my writing soundtrack) - and it feels like I should be wrighting a tear-jerking coffessional about how the world is so pur and simple and that the chains of societal pressure have slipped off, but there I remain clinging to the societal pillar, not wanting to let go because I can’t see what’s att he bottom of the abyss between holding to social norms and not giving a flying fuck about what I should be doing. I need to know what I am doing is valuable. It canhave value at least.

I’m helping folk s out with thtier passwords nad troubleshooting, and I guess that’s good.

Okay, I just opened my eyes and them spelling errors are atrocious. I’m calling it, Journal.

Night, Journal

[itszephoria]

Saw this pop up and your followers ask you which ones they’re interested in. But people don’t really ask much when I post or they don’t ask the ones that might make you feel uncomfortable. And well, honestly I’m so bored that I’ve decided to break all the damn rules and just answer all the questions because I can. *shock horror*

So information dump on the ‘Be nosy’ that popped up in my feed today. If you’re interested.

Be nosy

1. What’s your sexual orientation? 

Straight. But maybe for the right woman I could sway but wouldn’t go so far as to call myself bi or bi-curious though.

2. What are you obsessed with right now? 

Obsessively obsessing about my health and how to get well and failing it all. Oh and anime movies on Netflix.

3. Ever done any drugs?

I do drugs everyday. But I assume this is referring to illegal. No and was strictly no up until recently. I now take marijuana oil on a regular basis for pain management. Also being stoned/high is not pleasant and I don’t understand why people would enjoy that as a leisurely pastime.

4. What piercings do you want?

I want to get my ears pierced again. Holes have closed up, but currently due to my health that’s not possible. I can’t even enjoy clipons :(

5. How many people have you kissed?

The massive number of 5.

6. Describe your dream home.

It’s tiny in the sense it has all the space I need. A cosy tiny-like home. But not one on wheels, fixed to the ground. And it would be made of all natural materials, stone and wood. It would be unique and resemble something out of a fairy tale. It would sit a beautiful clearing with only nature to view in the distance and all the animals and wildlife would stay well away because I’m pretty much terrified of all it, 

7. Who are you jealous of?

Healthy, painfree people. I am jealous of past me who didn’t realise how lucky she was and miss her.

8. What’s your favorite show to binge?

I don’t binge any show on repeat. I’d rather look for a new show to watch or enjoy, there are so many. The last shows I binged in two days was Queen’s Gambit and Emily in Paris.

9. Do you watch porn?

Yep. But struggle with it because it’s overdramatic, unrealistic and would kill or someone to make porn with a decent storyline with people that can act. 

I prefer to read it if I’m honest or maybe just write it for myself.

10. Do you have a secret sideblog?

Sort of? More like my other one I used I was known for all my slash writings in F1. But now I just hang out here.

11. If you could teleport anywhere in the world right now, where would you go?

No where. The world is riddled with co-vid and well, I’m probably in one of the safest countries and I’m at risk of death should I catch it. So I’ll stay here in my safe bubble.

12. What’s one of your fantasies?

I wake up tomorrow and I’m not me. I wake up and I can take a deep breath without gasping for air, I wake up in no pain, I wake up and my body isn’t terribly scared, I wake up and can have a ‘normal’ life.

13. Do you have/would you get your nipples pierced?

Nope and no desire too. Won’t that just hurt?

14. How would you spend a million dollars?

I’d by that dream house I described, set everything up to be self sufficient. Pay and travel to try every cure available for my diseases. And then bank the rest and live off interest. Or maybe donate it. I don’t want money and I don’t really want a lot of things.

15. Are you in a relationship?

Yep and it’s a struggle and am constantly fighting to prove it’s worth continuing. Oh and that’s a relationship with myself.

16. Do you follow porn blogs?

No.

17. Are you angry with anyone right now?

No, I suppose it’s more disappointed and let down by people more than angry. I’m working everyday on letting it go but it’s not easy.

18. What tattoos do you want?

I have always wanted one, but have never found something that I really loved and haven’t been imaginative enough to create something unique. The older I get though, I’m not sure I want one. I did for the longest time though think about getting a Ferrari tattooed on my inner wrist, but pleased I never did that. I don’t love the sport or Ferrari enough anymore to want a permanent reminder of that.

19. If you could change your name, would you? What would you change it to?

I am changing name actually. Hoping to action that in the next two weeks. I would have done it earlier but they closed the borders. I have a dutch sir name that has two words. It confuses every one, systems don’t get it, it has caused issues with plane tickets. And well I’ve decided no more and am dumping a portion of it.

20. What is something you’re obsessed with?

This is a duplicate. Skipping.

21. Describe your best friend.

When you meet her for the first time she can be a little crazy and wild, and she kind of scared at me first because she’s so unlike me. But as you got to know her, the *real* her she doesn’t let people see, you realise how kind and soft she is, and she’s the most empathic person I have known. She gives so much of herself to everyone, thinks so little of herself and her needs because she’s one of the most selfless people I know. I love her more than most of my family and would do anything for her.

22. Tag someone you think is hot.

Is this followers? Uh most I don’t know what they look like? I assume they’re all hot!

23. Who are five of your favorite bands/musical artists?

Don’t have any really. My music is varied and is based on my mood and really changes around. And with most bands, I generally lean towards one or two songs. This is one of those questions I really struggle with whenever I see it. Will say however, have been enjoying The Beatles recently and a bit of old school stuff.

24. What are three places you want to travel?

Japan. Norway. Canada.

25. Describe your perfect Friday night.

Generally hanging out with people I like. Enjoying a good wine, some cheese, either playing some board game or dungeons and dragons, or watching a really good movie. Good company makes any night a good night.

26. What’s your favorite season?

Autumn. One because I think it’s neglected as a choice and every season should be loved, and two because I love the colours of autumn and the colours associated with autumn. 

27. What’s your pet peeve?

I’m sure I have a heap of them, but currently it’s people that have an issue with you and instead of being an adult and talking to you about them choose to silence and blank you. I’m so tired of it, I’ve quit being peacemaker in those situations, those people are no longer worthy in my book.

28. Who is the funniest person you know?

Uh... I don’t think anyone I know is super funny. Friends and family all have a good sense of humor. But out of my circle of life people I’m always told I’m the funny one, which I find the biggest joke ever. 

29. What’s the most overrated movie?

Can not think of anything off the top of my head. I will say if I think a movie is getting too much hype I refuse to watch it, whether all the reviews are raving or not. It’s why I didn’t watch Harry Potter for like ten years or any of the new Star Wars movies. I just refuse to be apart of all the hype and jump on bandwagons.

30. Tag someone you want to talk to but have been too shy to message.

I’d love to talk to everyone. I’m shy to start any conversations to be honest and I think all the people I talk to regularly were the first to message me, and I love them for it.

31. Do you like paper books or ebooks better?

100% love an old fashioned paper book. The texture of the paper. The smell of a book. That being said, I don’t think I’ve picked up a proper book to read in years. I live in fan fiction more than anything or am busy writing myself.

32. If you could live in a fictional world, what world would you pick?

Any of the disney worlds, anything from the past, or verging on fantasy like. I want a simpler time not full of technology which I grow to hate more each day. The older I get the more I’m pretty sure I’ve been born in the wrong decade.

33. If money was no object, what would your wardrobe be like?

I’d build the perfect wardrobe capsule. Everything would be of high quality, not necessarily brand name and all the clothes would be sourced from ethical businesses or be handmade.

I like classic pieces, love the fashion of the 50′s and 60s and while stylish it would be comfortable to wear and everything could be worn in public (sorry comfy tracky pants).

34. What’s your coffee order?

There ain’t no coffee order. I don’t drink it. Sorry @leoni-speedyf1 I know how addicted you are to it, happy to buy you anything you like though :P

35. Do you have a crush on anyone?

In real life? No one.

36. Do you still have feelings for any of your exes?

Not romantic. I have feelings in that I hope they’re doing well, achieving what they want and they’re all happy. I didn’t have any ‘bad’ breakups and all my relationships ended very amicably.

37. Have any tattoos?

No. See above for more on this.

38. Do you drink?

Rarely. Can’t with medication and condition. But on occasion I do enjoy a good glass of red. Pinot Noir is my preference. 

39. Are you a virgin?

Nope.

40. Do you have a crush on any of your mutuals?

Not in a romantic way? The ones I talk to regularly I love immensely though.

41. How many followers do you have?

99

42. Describe the hottest person you know.

Uh all the men I know I am not attracted to. Probably a good thing as they’re either family or partnered with a friend or family member.

43. What’s your guilty pleasure?

Can’t think of anything. I try not to feel guilt for anything I enjoy to be honest, whether it’s food or an activity. Life is too short for that.

44. Do you read erotica?

Yep. Even write it.

45. What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?

It was a few years back. I met this guy online and we went to the city and spent most of that time just strolling next to the river for our first meet up. Why was it the worst date ever? Well it wasn’t the location that’s for sure.

The guy had two kids, and I’m a firm believer all parents have favourites, though I have yet to meet a parent that will voice that aloud. This guy, had no qualms with telling me about this favourite kid, and that wouldn’t be a problem if didn’t spend just as much putting down his younger son. It kind of left me reeling and wondering how his son felt if his dad didn’t hide just how much he didn’t like him as a person. The kid was four and the reason his dad didn’t like him was because he didn’t like bikes.

And so the guy was a bmx rider so he spent the rest of the time on our walk just pointing out all the tricks he could do. He didn’t ask about me, only talked about himself. It was also lunch time and assumed we would get something to eat together, but nope, no food was offered. And when I suggested to get something to drink because it was so hot and we’d been out in the sun for like an hour, he just took me to a subway and told me to get a drink and waved me to the line. No offer to join me, no offer to pay (which doesn’t bother me btw, but this was capping off a terrible day), no offer to get food.

I was so happy to get out of there. Didn’t speak to him again once I had left.

46. How many people do you follow?

I currently follow 59 people. I don’t follow anyone that creates drama, and try and follow only people that post about F1 as that’s all I use tumblr for now.

47. If you could marry any celebrity, who would you pick?

Either Sebastian Vettel or Ryan Reynolds. Both are married though, so I don’t think that’s going to turn into a reality anytime soon.

48. Describe your ideal partner.

I want someone that shares the same core values as me. Doesn’t want kids, isn’t super religious (grew up in a cult like religion so I avoid it now), is on the minimalist side and isn’t someone that needs new things things all the time or is desperate to replace something the moment they deem it out of date. Someone that doesn’t live their life on social media. Someone that prefers simple things, someone who is kind and giving, and someone that truly loves me - and it’s the last part that I struggle with finding more than anything with all the guys I have dated. 

I am currently not looking for a partner, I am not in a place for a relationship and am fully focused on myself. And I am very content with that decision.

49. Who do you text the most?

Currently my bestie.

50. What’s your favorite kind of weather?

Clear blue skies and a warm day to enjoy the sun. But there are times when I simply love the rain, hearing it on the room, watching it fall endlessly and knowing that everything will be green from it.