#i just want the ability to get a complete wordcount on all spn fics so i can grok how bad an idea this is

[trisscar368]

I keep having the insane notion that I should open the supernatural tag on ao3 and go through all the fics in order of posting (this is the kind of thing that amuses me, I know it’s nuts, let me live).

If I filter by year there’s a manageable number of fics to sort through, instead of 244k staring at me trying to break ao3’s code because the poor website is not designed to display that many items.

The logical extension of this “it’s past my bedtime and I fear neither man nor long word counts” thinking is to make recs as I go (probably grouped by year), which I think calls for a sideblog. Because I need a twelfth blog.

[thing-you-do-with-that-thing]

Who You Are

Characters: Y/N (reader), Chuck Shurley, Dean Winchester, Sam Winchester, Castiel

Pairing: Dean x reader

Warnings: Depression and all the crap it puts in your head  

Wordcount: 1800ish

A/N: This is written for @letsgetoutalive’s Mental Health Awareness Writing Challenge. I chose to write for the SPN fandom and I went back and forth a few times on how to go about this. I chose to write for Depression with is something I am very familiar with. This reader is very much based on me but I changed a few things. I am not gonna tell you what is true and what is not.

This is the hardest thing I have ever had to write - thank you so much for reading and not judging.

Thanks to Bev @chaos-and-the-calm67 for encouraging me through this as well as betaing for me.

***My fics are not to be saved nor posted on any other sites without my express written permission.***

Having Chuck around hadn’t been easy for you to deal with. Sam had had his fanboy moment and Dean had confronted him, much like you had wanted to but couldn’t. Every time you were around him you felt the anger burn inside of you. He had created this world. He had created you, flaws and all. You more flawed than most. You were broken, not by time and pain, but you were born this way. You were born with a mind you couldn’t always control. A mind that was intent on wanting you harm and telling you, you were never good enough. You were born having to fight to stay who you were and not let the darkness inside your head win.

You hated Chuck for it from the moment you knew he was real. You wanted to scream and yell at him. Tell him he had no right to let anyone go through life the way you had too. Not normal, not in full control of your own thoughts and emotions. You hated him, for hating yourself.

Finally one day over dinner you had it. You weren’t sure what made you break from the carefully constructed box you had created around you. It might have been his insufferable show tunes in the shower. It might have been eating all the good food or constantly stealing your laptop. No matter what it was you finally broke one evening.

“Why did you do it?” You stared at Chuck, completely ignoring the two Winchester brothers who nearly dropped their jaws, and forks.

Chuck slowly put down his napkin and folded his hands on the table in front of him. He looked at you, as if he had expected this moment to come. Of course he had. He was God, he knew everything. He knew every eternal battle you had fought, he had seen the time you had nearly downed a glass of pills before throwing it across the room in anger. He had seen every day you had pulled the blankets over your head, losing one battle and staying in bed, pretending to be sick. Pretending you had a flu, because it was easier to explain to the world and because you could pull yourself onto your feet.

“Why did I do what Y/N?” Chuck answered you patiently. His patience only angering you further and you fist hit the table making both Sam and Dean jump slightly.

“Why did you make me this way?” you were fighting your tears as you spoke and you angrily swatted away Dean’s hand from your arm as he tried calming you. You ignored Sam calling your name. You were solely fixated on Chuck in front of you.

“You’re depression?” Chuck asked, with a sympathetic look on his face which only angered you further. How dared he feel sorry for you? He did this too you and he had the audacity to pretend like he was sorry. Like he had no idea what you were talking about.

“No my unruly locks,” you mocked before glaring at him with so much hatred you were sure he felt it. “Yes my depression.”

“Y/N I didn’t create you in that sense.” Chuck started before taking a deep breath, “but even if I did I wouldn’t have make you in any other way that you were created.”

You couldn’t believe your own ears. First he tried to excuse himself from his failures and then he… He took pleasure in your pain. That had to be it. He took pleasure in seeing your tears when you felt like nothing you did was good enough. The tears that streamed down you face when the thoughts that didn’t completely belong to you tried to convince you that everyone would be better off without you. The tears that fell from your eyes after days spent just going through the motions as if you were a shell. Numb and soulless. Soulless would be easier though. It would take away the pain of knowing you were messed up for not letting the warmth of Sam’s smile reach your heart. It would take away the worthlessness you felt when Castiel hovered over you, feeling your prayers even though you had no idea what you were praying for. It would take away the guilt of not feeling the love in Dean’s touch, when he slipped behind you at night, pulling you back against him and holding you close.

“So you like people suffering is that it?” You hissed at the deity in front of you.

“No Y/N.” Chuck leaned forward, “but it is part of who you are. I wouldn’t wanna change that.”

You stared at the man in disbelief. How could he not get it. “It is not part of who I am. It steals who I am from me!” You almost screamed at him but Chuck stayed calm unlike Dean who desperately tried to get near you, but you kept pushing him away. The pained expression on Sam’s face didn’t escape you either. He had heard these words from you before. He had been the only one you had ever told. You loved Dean, but you never wanted him to see that side of you. You knew that you couldn’t hide it completely but he carried enough and you didn’t wanna put the crap you couldn’t even control yourself, on him too.

“I know that is what it feels like Y/N, but you are strong and you can beat it.” Chuck’s tone got a little more harsh. “That is not all it does. It makes you more sympathetic towards others. It makes you understand pain that not many can comprehend. You understood what Sam was going through after he had lost his soul. You understood why he needed to go through the trials. You understand what Dean felt like coming back from purgatory and what he was going through with the Mark. You understood because it was changing him and that is why you never left wasn’t it?” Chuck asked staring you right in the eye and your mouth fell agape.

You desperately wanted to yell at him and tell him he was wrong. You wanted to tell him that the way you felt towards the people in your life and your ability to empathize with them had nothing to do with your disorder. You just couldn’t. You had never thought of it like that. To you the depression had been a dark invader. Something that tried to control your mind and take who you were away from you. You had never seen it as part of you or as something that added to who you were. You had no idea if he was right or not and that knowledge scared you. It scared you so much you jumped from your chair and ran from the kitchen.

You ran down the halls and away from God. Away from the Winchesters. Past Dean’s and your room right back to your old one. A room you hadn’t set foot in for over a year. Trying to escape the million voices in your head competing to be heard. Trying to escape having to deal with and understand a part of you that had always scared you. A part of you that you had always hated.

You threw yourself on your old bed and hid your face in the pillows. Ignoring the door being opened and closed behind you. You knew who it was, you didn’t have to look. You felt the dip in the bed and the warmth of his body envelope you as he closed his arms around, turning you and pulling you against his chest.

“I know you think you are broken Y/N/N,” Dean started and you held your breath. Him and you never talked about this. He was always there for you. He always knew when you had your dark days. He always stayed closer to you, letting you know he was there with small touches during the day and he held you just a little bit closer during the nights. He did a lot of small things. He made your favourite foods, he played your music in Impala rather than his own, he tried to make you smile.

You loved all the little things he did. You knew Dean wasn’t good at talking about stuff and frankly neither were you. His way worked for both of you and he never failed to bring you back to being you. Sam was the one you talked to, but never at the times you were feeling bad. You talked to him after the fact. You talked to him when Dean’s love had shown you the way back to your lighter and happy self. You talked to Sam when Dean’s love had made you remember who you truly were and when you’re stubbornness had chased the darkness in your mind away.

“You’re not broken. Chuck is a dick, but he was right. It is part of who you are. I love who you are, sweetheart, and as much as I hate seeing you hurting, I don’t wanna change you either,” Dean spoke softly and you looked up at him, tears streaming down your face.

“You don’t know what it is like. If I didn’t have you and Sam I… I am not strong Dean. I couldn’t do this alone,” you sobbed and Dean sent you a sad smile, before pressing his lips against yours in a chaste kiss.

“I think you could but you don’t have to. None of us do. We have each other and we are family. I am not sure what Sam and I would do without you either, you know,” Dean smiled giving you a small squeeze, making you laugh. He always did that. He always made you feel loved. He always managed to remind you just what you were fighting for. You were fighting to be the person he loved. You were fighting to be part of his family forever. You were fighting not only because him and Sam deserved the best of you, but because you deserved to be the person you knew you were. Who knows maybe the depression was yours and maybe just maybe it did make you who you had become even on your brightest of days. It didn’t really matter. You were gonna keep fighting because you deserved to be happy. You deserved to be who you wanted to be and not who your mind sometimes told you what you were. You deserved to be the woman Dean saw, you as. You deserved to be who you really were.

Dean Tag Team:

@mysupernaturalfics @blacktithe7 @percywinchester27 @quiddy-writes  @jpadjackles @supernaturalyobessed @loveitsallineed @starswirlblitz @revwinchester @aprofoundbondwithdean @skathan-omaha @feelmyroarrrr @torn-and-frayed @kayteonline @sinceriouslyamellpadalecki @mysteriouslyme81 @ayeeitsemry @curliesallovertheplace @docharleythegeekqueen  @winchesterprincessbride @faith-in-dean @ellen-reincarnated1967 @sleep-silent-angel @winchestdiaries @adriellej @moonstar86 @atc74 @knittingknerdy @tia58 @nikolanna @cyranodebergerac @lycangirl44 @brooke-supernatural16 @yoursmilemakesmeloveyou @melonberri @just-a-touch-of-sass-and-fandoms @alexafromthefandom @stilinski15 @thatonehaspanicchick @roxy-davenport @phoenixia67 @bringmesomepie56 @thebunkerismyhome @salvachester @chaos-and-the-calm67 @jasminwild @anokhi07 @mrswhozeewhatsis @lilyleely @smoothdogsgirl @angelkurenai @chickenmcsade @covarrubiasalex @deanxfuckingadorablexwinchester @charliebradbury1104 @chelseypaigeake @katrena7 @thecynicalnerd @nichelle-my-belle @mouselovesmusic @lucifer-ismy-bae @dreamilyjensen @sleepywinchester @tanithlowisabamf @deansleather  @katnharper @ashleymalfoy @buckysmetallicstump @staticbirdy