#i just. i've always fantasised about someone coming to save me and loving me and treating me like a fucking person

[coccinellaseptempunctata]

feeling. normal .

[gettin-bi-bi-bi]

So lately I've been questioning things. It's usually worse every year during pride month, and for the longest time I've convinced myself that it's because the vast majority of my friends are queer and I'm the lone straight person in many of my friend circles. That said, I find myself in a lot of queer spaces, writing queer fanfic, and generally relating to and enjoying queer stories. I'm a female in my 30s and happily married to a very supportive man who loves me and wants whatever makes me most comfortable and happy, but I've lately been feeling uncomfortable in my own skin and thinking back on commentary I've made to him about: (1) feeling more comfortable presenting less feminine though I still see myself as a woman (albeit more androgynous, I guess?), and (2) how if it weren't for my incredibly conservative upbringing I'd probably identify as bi or pan as I wasn't really exposed to such things in my youth. I do know I've experienced occasional attraction to women in the past that I've never acted on save for some teenaged kissing of friends that never really went anywhere. That said, I guess I'm not sure if I'm trying to fit in because of some weird fear of being left out, or if I'm just not reading the signs on the wall that I'm not as straight as I originally thought and convincing myself that it's less valid because I'm married, love my partner, and therefore I'm effectively straight. (I dumped this info on a wonderful friend who tapped the internalized biphobia sign and suggested this blog. I'm sorry this is more word soup than a legit question. I guess I'm just curious if this is valid and/or if there are other people out there like me. Hopefully none of this comes across as offensive, I'm just trying to figure out my place in the universe.)

I'm right there with your friend tapping the internalised biphobia sign. Just because you are dating a man, even married to one, even if that relationship is monogamous and you don't intend to open it... even then you can be 100% bisexual. Look at it this way: just bc you're married to a man doesn't mean you are suddenly not attracted to other men anymore, does it? There are probably still guys out there (random dudes on the street, co-workers, celebrities) whom you like to Look at, maybe even fantasise about. And likewise, a monogamous relationship with a man doesn't mean you cannot also be attracted to women. Bisexuals don't have to "choose" one gender. When we enter monogamous relationships we don't "turn off" the gay part of your sexuality. That is because our sexuality isn't one part straight/one part gay. Any attractions that we have are queer, yes even when you as a cis woman are attracted to a cis man that is bisexual attraction. Bi people's sexuality doesn't default to hetero when we are not actively pursuing same-sex experiences. We are always bi and there can be plenty of queerness in the way bi women are attracted to men. I have some suggestion on how to explore and celebrate your queerness while being in a relationship in this post. Maybe that's something you and your husband can try to incorporate into your relationship.

Please try to trust yourself. I understand that there is a need to get outside validation, especially from someone who is a "Real Certified Bisexual" but I'm gonna tell you a secret here (well... not really a secret): I've also never had sex with a woman. But I know that I'd totally be down if the circumstances were right. I've had crushes on women, I sometimes fantasise about women. That's more than enough to know that I'm bisexual. And you said yourself that you "do know I've experienced occasional attraction to women in the past" and you even explore "some teenaged kissing of friends". Not that this sort of experimenting automatically means someone has to be queer but it is a pretty huge sign, especially if even years later it's still on your mind and in the context of wondering whether you are bi or not.

You say that if it weren't for your conservative upbringing you would probably identify as bi or pan. Well... guess what? Even conservatives can be queer. Though it sounds to me like you are trying to break out of some of those conservative mindsets anyway which... good. You also have a lot of queer friends and though that also isn't solid proof that someone must be queer it's also a fact that queer people attract other queer people and many closeted queers are drawn to making queer friends, even when they are still so closeted they don't even realise it. I know plenty of queer people who started out as very enthusiastic "straight" allies. And after some time they realised, just like you, "okay maybe I am not as straight as I thought I was". And girl, you don't sound straight to me. So much of what you say has me go "yup, that is a full-grown queer right there".

Allow yourself to be yourself. You don't have to prove anything but you can explore for your own sake and honestly? Your friends, your partner? They might be thrilled to see you figuring out who you are and where that place in the universe is with you. You mentioned that you would like to present more androgynous, for example. Go for it! With your queer friends around you there's already a safe environment where you can do that, maybe even get some advice.

Maddie