#i know most of my muts are white tho hi guys sorry 🫠

[citriosis]

not to vent on main but this is definitely not a void moment. i had this talk with my mom a little while ago (i have complex feelings about and a hard relationship with her but it was important).

it's weird being a black person that doesn't fit in either way. because i was raised mostly in predominantly white neighborhoods (living where i do now is my first time living in a predominantly black neighborhood actually) and, aside from things i had to learn to survive in said white neighborhoods, was given a pretty "white" childhood, i don't feel like i belong as a part of black culture at all.

but i'm also...not white. lol. but despite this, other black people tell me i ACT whit. i've been accused of BEING white in the past and accused of racefaking (once over stupid kinnie shit on vent dot co and once on twitter over Mental Illness) because i don't act "black enough", but my mutuals who have been in video calls with me and have seen pictures of me know i'm not white. and not only am i not white, i'm VERY clearly black. white people will be surprised by how i speak, and they say "you speak so well!", but leave off "for a black person". they don't see me as one of them, but they probably subconsciously see me as a whiter black person, which makes my fucking skin crawl.

i'm not black enough to feel like i'm not a fucking poser when i call myself black, but i'm not white enough to completely deny my heritage. i look black, but i have a white mouth. i feel passionately about Black issues, but i feel like i can't talk about them because i'll sound too white.

i feel like i'm some secret third thing in the worst fucking possible way. i'm not having a black experience, i'm not having a white experience, i'm just kinda...void. and it fucks with my self-image in ways that i'm not fully comfortable talking about on main.

as i was on this train of thought, i said something like "i guess this IS a black experience in and of itself, though" and she was like...yeah. and she said it confidently, even though it hadn't been HER black experience. but honestly it hasn't made me feel better because of ✨ internalized racism ✨ in many, many fucking colors.

she also said i'm not alone in this experience, and that i might find other people in my generation who relate to this because of how we were raised. but honestly that doesn't make me feel better either tbh, at least not rn. maybe i will feel better if i end up finding some level of solidarity, but idek if i'm gonna post this. i feel like i'm gonna get "not black enough"ed or accused of being fucking white! which hurts when i've NOT BEEN BLACK ENOUGH my whole life! it's EXHAUSTING. too white to be black (despite having no white immediate family and being black), too black to be white (because i'm black).

anyway idek how to tag this. maybe i just won't. i said this wouldn't be a void post but i almost don't wanna post this lol. but oh well. off to tumblr it goes.