#i know this might sound aggressive but i promise i'm not upset or mad or anything like that

[novelcain]

Hey I really like your art and au! But can you please not refer to the disciples by their Arthur Waley names? That's not their names. As a Chinese fan, I really find it hurtful when non Chinese people don't at least try to use the Pinyin names. 😞

Thanks I appreciate it. And to be honest I had no idea what you meant for a second because I didn't know who Arthur Waley is since I don't read his translation but I'm assuming you mean calling Zhu Bajie and Sha Wujing (their Pinyin names which I use more than their english nicknames because those are their actual names) Pigsy and Sandy who got those nicknames because of the translations of the traditional Chinese characters of their names.

Just in case tho I looked up anywhere I could to find whether or not these names where somehow disrespectful to say and I can't find a single thing for what you are talking about. These are the names I grew up hearing so that's why I use them interchangeably. Not to mention that's what they are called on lmk (I'm assuming you were talking about my Triad au since that's the only au I have which is lmk)

Now I know that I have a LOT to learn about Chinese culture but I am willing to learn and have put a lot of time and effort into doing so. (I do a great deal of research on cultures and religions so that I can remain respectful) That being said if I'm wrong about something or any of you feel like I'm being disrespectful (if I'm ever disrespectful about something like this I swear it's on accident) you guys can absolutely feel free to come to me and tell me and I'll do the research and admit when I'm wrong. It doesn't bother me to be wrong at all. A little embarrassing maybe but I can get over it. What's important to me is doing what's right, so if I have to correct my behavior that's fine by me. However, you do need to bring proof that you're right if you're going to call me wrong let alone accuse me of doing something I'm not. I do use their pinyin names I just don't put the accents. (tho I do say the accents when I say their names. I put a lot of time into researching how to say names from other cultures before I ever say them.)

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

TW : child abuse, abuse/mistreatment from an older sibling, child neglect

So I'm seeking some advice about the relationship I have with my brother. I'm 6 years older than him, and I believe I was a golden child and him the scapegoat for some time, but in details it's more complicated.

Before he was born, I was a scapegat as well as a golden child. Then, as young as 3 he started getting very upset (we're both neurodivergent and our needs were never accomodated as children).

As a result, my parents picked him as a scapegoat. I was getting good grades by masking all the time and burning myself out, while he had a harder time and angry/frustrated. I don't want to say "aggressive" because really it was just a result of child neglect.

I often deflected the blame on him for not doing chores, we never really knew who forgot but it didnt matter because even i was never working hard enough in their eyes. I remember directing a lot of my suffering towards him, and I didn't know how to connect with him.

But things are different now. When I was at my breaking point, i had to embrace my transness, and I came out to him, he came out to me. I think this completely redirected the dynamic because I was no longer the "perfect child", and we were not at war with each other anymore.

Since then, I believe we both became scapegoats, even though I remain a golden child when my parents feel like flaunting my successes.

He's 14 now and I'm turning 20 this year. We have improved a lot and though I didn't mention it explicitely, I did apologize multiple times. We are very close and I do my very best to help him through this difficult situation. I want to make sure that he feels like he can open up to me when he needs, and that as the younger, more vulnerable sibling, his needs should be centered.

But I'm still wondering if there's something else I should do. I don't care about forgiveness in itself, it's more that I want to make things right, and I was Not raised to know what it means. Do you have any advice?

Hey there nonny! We really appreciate the ask, and sorry for the wait!

There are a few things I want to touch on before answering your primary question, but I promise I'll get there.

First, you have to remember that you are/were just as much a victim of neglect as he is/was. You're not willing to blame him or call him "aggressive" because it was "just a result of the neglect," but you are willing to blame yourself when your behavior was just as much due to the neglect in your home. You were a child. Trust me when I say that all siblings throw things on their other siblings sometimes, especially when they're afraid of their parents or what might happen if they take the blame. As a child, your sense of reason and morality aren't as developed, and it's less of a "I know and understand that I am giving him the consequences of my actions, and that's fine with me as long as I don't have to face them" and more of a "I can't make them mad at me I didn't do it" scenario. You didn't hurt him intentionally, you inadvertently hurt him while trying to keep your parents from hurting you, which sounds like exactly what he was doing when he was being "aggressive." If you're going to extend him the courtesy of not having to take the blame or accountability for the way he acted under his parents' abuse, then why aren't you doing it to yourself?

Second, it is not your fault that your parents decided to pick on him a little more than you. It is not your responsibility to apologise for their choices, for their actions, for you getting good grades. Your success is not responsible for his pain. Your parents' choices and actions are, and they had every opportunity not to make them, regardless of your success or his supposed lack of it. It is not on you to make up for their failures as parents.

Lastly, you seem to be doing well with him now that you have the mental acuity to recognise the abuse in your home, and the repercussions of it. As a child, you may have pointed some blame at him, but that's not something you should hang onto and feel guilty over. You were both children, siblings, it happens. As someone with six siblings I can tell you that the blame game goes on in all families, and especially in abusive households, it's just a way to avoid getting yourself hurt. Being this stuck on something and blaming yourself for it isn't healthy for you, nonny. Things like that shouldn't be a life-debt. Now, supporting him because you just want to see him succeed is different, and is absolutely a positive thing. You're supporting him well, nonny, and it's still not your job to parent him. You don't need to "make it right," all you need to do it be his sibling. Just be there for him, love him, support him, guide or comfort him when he needs it, but remember to look after yourself too. And try to do it simply because you love him and want what's best for him, not because of misguided guilt. That's just painful for the both of you and will eventually make you feel stressed, inadequate, and bad about your relationship with him.

I hope this helps nonny

~Mod Night

[mother-snake]

More letters? More letters.

I'm going to break a few hearts....

------------------

The pain of losing your child was an agonizing one. You could never stop thinking that you should have been in their stead, that you should have protected them, that you failed as a parent because..... Because your baby is dead and you couldn't stop it.

Virgil didn't know someone could get that pale. Or that they could have black vains. Or that they could cry black inky tears until their face was sticky and it was impossible to wash off.

It was a very sad day.

They just came home from a very sad event, that no one wanted to name because they couldn't accept that he was gone.

Virgil went to his room almost immediately after they got home.

Tears still streaming, he hadn't stopped crying since they found his baby

He walked over to his desk, where four letters sat. Each envelope was a different colour with a different wax seal to match it. He picked up the white envelope with a deep wine red seal, the only thing that was marking it as his was the dark purple ink used to mark his name and the #1

He tore it open carefully.

Hey Vee Anxiety

I guess if you have these letters I'm gone now. I also suppose that you know what happened to the dark side. If you don't, well its gone now. I'm sorry it had to be this way. But I had too.

You and Remus are the only sides with black hair now. How does that feel? I know your hair is dead straight, does it fall into your eyes? Do the others treat you differently because of your hair colour? Speaking of that.

I know I was a horrible child Anxiety, you loved me from the very moment you met me and all I did in favour was tell you I hate you. I don't hate you. I could never hate you.

I hope you gave me a nice send off. Was there daffodils? You know, daffodils were originally called Narcissus. They symbolize self love. I'm sure you know the myth, but it also ended rather tragically. I'm no expert but I think my life also counts as a tragedy. At least it feels like it.

It feels like no matter what I do, I get punished. Society says that you get punished for your wrong doings but what have I done wrong? I wish I had black hair like you. Things might have ended better.

I'm going to be writing a series of letters. Simply because I can't bear to say goodbye to all five of you at the same time. I'll write to you tomorrow Vee.

~Janus Sanders

The sobs only got deeper as Virgil read on. Memories rapidly repeating in his mind. Over and over. The sight of his child dead on the ground. Crumpled suit and knocked over goblet, his eyes were like glass and any pigment in his skin rotted away.

"DAD! Dad!!" the 17 year old looked down at the much younger side. Just passed 7. "Yes my little baby snake?" the child bounced up and down "I'm hungry!!" Virgil's smile creeped onto his face "Hi Hungry! I'm Dad!" the look on the seven year olds face was something he could never forget. Virgil let out a loud laugh, "Fine! Fine! Come on little snake, lets go get you some food" the child's face lit up. "STRAWBERRIES?!?" Virgil grabbed the childs hand. "We can have strawberries, little snake."

Virgil went downstairs and dug out the box of strawberries form the fridge. He ate the entire box.

The next day was just as horrible.

No one wanted to leave their rooms and deep sobs were coming from many doors.

Everywhere Virgil looked, he was reminded of his baby snake.

When he ran out of oxygen for the louder sobs, Virgil grabbed the second letter. A lilac purple envelope with a yellow seal.

Hey Vee,

The others are getting particularly violent recently. Often getting aggressive for no reason. Well unless you call me standing in my bedroom a reason. Well, reason or not. I have a new bruse or five.

How are the others holding up? I'm guessing not well. But maybe I'm just over estimating how much all of you care. After all. Why would anyone care for a side that has only made their lives harder? I personally don't see the logic in that.

But I don't know that much.

I'm going to be completely honest with you Vee. You are absolute shit at taking care of yourself when you are upset. Did you even eat dinner the night before? Wow. Look at me. I'm lecturing my father to take better care of himself while I'm dead.

I should get an award for biggest hypocrite. I haven't properly taken care of myself in years.

I'm serious about this though, don't isolate your self and spend time with the others. They'll be your biggest help in accepting..... In accepting that I'm not there anymore.

~Janus

Sucking in a shaky breath, Virgil stood and went to ask the others for their company. Because Janus was right, its easy to spiral by yourself. Then there was a knock on the door.

Logan wanted to watch some of Janus' favourite movies.

Virgil couldn't say no. Even if he wanted too.

~~~time skip~~~

Everyone was passed out except for him and Logan.

Logan had been very quiet lately, then again. He did barely leave his room for days

The end of Over the Garden Wall was playing. The characters were talking about something when Virgil spiralled back into the memories.

"DAD!" Virgil burst into the room, running to cradle his child in his arms, "Baby, what happend? Are you hurt?" small sniffles left the eight year olds lips "I dr- dreamt th-that you left m-me!" Virgil felt his heart clench. "I will never ever leave you, my little one" Crystal coated over the childs eyes, "Promise?" "I promise with all my heart"-

Virgil fell asleep with a heavy heart, knowing that he broke his promise to his baby.

The next morning was slightly better, not by much though. They ate breakfast together. Then, they returned to their rooms.

Virgil grabbed the third letter as soon as he walked into the room. The pale yellow cover wrinkling in his tight hold. He carefully broke the purple wax.

Hey Vee,

I'm scared. Wrath keeps banging on doors and I think I heard a window break. Apathy keeps trying to calm him down but it isn't working. Depression just left. I honestly don't know where he went.

This is why I need to get rid of the darks. I heard them talking about taking over the mind and I just can't let that happen Vee. What kind of self preservation would I be if I just let them destroy Thomas? A shitty one.

Thats why I made a poison. Its made from my own venom and it is lethal with less then a drop. I'm going to put the whole vial inside of the wine at the party in a few days. I don't know why I'm telling you this. I don't really plan what I write here. I kinda just write.

I really want a hug right now. I think I'll vist today or tomorrow. If I can get passed the others that is. If they find out where I'm going I might not get the chance to poison the wine.

~Jan

Virgil could tell that the writing was frantic. Some words slurrrd and squished together. Janus did come over to the mind that day.

A small hesitant knock hit Virgil's door. When he opened it, there standing was Janus, he looked up at him, "Can... can I have a hug Vee?" Virgil felt a small blossom of hope in his chest, "Of course, my little baby snake."

That blossom of hope died when he found his child's body. Cold and pale. He cried over the memory and over the letter.

The soft sound of jazz coming from Logan's room.

The next day, he grabbed the last letter. Hands shaking heavily, he broke the white seal holding the black envelope closed. When opened, a picture fell out.

Hi Dad,

I'm almost out of purple ink. Most of it got dried out after I forgot to out the cap back on. I'm sorry dad.

I'm sorry that I took your love for granted. I never accepted it as enough. Even when you did your damnedest to protect me and anyway you could. I used to be mad and upset and wanting to cry at every memory but now I wish I enjoyed those moments longer.

Thank you for indulging my strawberry habit. Thank you for holding me late at night. Thank you for introducing me to reading. Thank you for all the memories and hugs. Thank you for everything Dad.

None of this is your fault. You were the best father I could've asked for.

I love you

~Your Baby Snake

The picture was of him and Janus when the yellow side was nothing but a toddler. Bright golden ringlets sticking out in every direction. On the back was written

"To the best Father, Thank you"

Virgil's tears were interrupted by loud screams from Logans room.

They all bolted to comfort the blue side. Virgil's eyes drifted down to the his letter.

I love you

Virgil couldn't help the thought of his baby in a suit. Attempting to tame his blond curls while walking down the isle. His baby fell in love.

And he'll never get to experience the rest of it.

His tears only fell faster.

-------

Hahahaha

OW

i almost cried tears, i held them in barely. fam were in the room. how dare you stab my heart like this?? i am wounded. (tho seriously, this is absoulutely amazing and i friggin love it to bits!)

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

content warning for grooming and incest

.

.

i think my older brother was grooming me when i was younger

i apparently am not knowledgable about what grooming is, because ive described traumatic situations regarding other toxic/abusive people in my life without thinking they were groomers but the people ive been talking to about it told me that it was all grooming behavior, like showing me porn (sometimes literal csem) when they knew how young i was and telling me that i was special or something along those lines.

so about my older brother, there was definitely emotional incest happening but i dont know if thats the same thing as grooming. i remember him being really attached to me in a way that made me incredibly uncomfortable. my family in general has a codependency issue and i grew up thinking that feeling suffocated by them was symptomatic of my selfishness so i dismissed my feelings as just me being selfish.

my older brother dumped his emotional problems on me (we have a 5 yr age gap jsyk) and told me that i was the only person in the family that he could trust. i dont want to say "i took care of him" but i always protected him from my abusive father and i was afraid of making my brother upset in some way. not necessarily because i was "afraid" of him but because he pressured me to, with all the trauma dumping and stuff he was doing and telling me i was the only person he could rely on. so like id do his chores for him when he slept in or id cover his tracks whenever he did something stupid. all of this had my father call us twins and he compared our relationship to a married couple on tv.... it made me feel sick to say the least.

skip forward a few years and my brother started to fucking stalk me. i entered high school by the time he graduated and i guess because he couldnt watch me in person he resorted to texting people from my school on instagram and he asked them about me. btw he was creepy with them too, one of them was a friend of mine and you can guess what happened to our friendship. not only did he do this but he randomly accused me of whoring around and texting boys instead of texting *him* like i was cheating or something. and when he did that i was furious but i was like "omg i would never ignore you i promise im not talking to boys..." just so he could shut up. he continued accusing me of this btw and it made me feel disgusting.

i also have these other memories... theres the times he asked me to move in with him (keeping in mind his obsessive behavior towards me) and theres this other time he showed me a song he wrote with his friend that mentioned how good of a sister i was or whatever. i also have this random memory of him getting mad at me because i didnt want to sit on his lap.

writing all of this was triggering but its been on my mind. if youre curious about our relationship now i practically cut him off. i committed the crime of calling out his toxic behavior and ever since then hes been aggressive towards me and talking constant shit about me to his equally as disgusting wife. hes always been obsessed with me and behaving in strange ways but i wonder if it was more than emotional incest... like grooming. what he'd groom me for i dont know but its like he wanted to be the only boy in my life, like he wanted to be my boyfriend. for a very long time i thought i was being selfish for finding him uncomfortable but now that im a little older and able to articulate my feelings better he was and still is a clearly abusive person. btw if any of this sounds familiar its because i sent anons to agirldying before, im just summarizing all of this again and adding new info so i can give valid reasons for why i believe he might have been grooming me since i was 10 to age 16.

Hi 💔,

I'm (again) so sorry about what you've been going through.

I'm honestly not too sure where the line is between grooming and emotional incest but I can definitely see how there could be some overlap, or how emotional incest could be a foot in the door to grooming, or vice versa. I know a lot of people tend to think that grooming can only be done by adults, I know even just by experience that kids can do it too, though unfortunately there's very little out there explaining it in that context.

Although it's about adult relationships, I still found this article that April wrote helpful in context of my COCSA, so I'm wondering if this could be helpful for you as well. It essentially spells out each step of grooming: targeting the victim, gaining trust, filling a need, isolation, abuse, and maintaining the relationship. You may be able to identify how your experience aligns with that structure.

I also just want to say, you don't have to explain yourself, you know? This string of traumatic experiences are distressing for you, and while it's perfectly okay to talk about it as much as you want, I think it's also important to acknowledge how much space you're allowing your trauma to take up. You don't have to prove anything to anyone. We believe you, no matter how much or how little you explain what happened.

I hope I could help. Please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun