#i like the 'so done with everything and everyone' interpretation for quite frankly any skeleton but error is a really good example of it HH

[yuriyuruandyuraart]

Thoughts on Error? :3

he's cool. i like him! i've seen multiple multiple interpretations of this gremlin of a man and ngl? he might not be my favorite- but goshh is he entertaining and funny hHH xD and his design is personally one of my favs cause wow. both his looks and backstory/goals are pretty original concepts!! even his redesigns don't stray too far away from the og palette or outfit it just works that well!! >:0

i don't have many headcanons about him, but i really like fics that don't go into heavy shipping for him! i do read some here and there but i always saw him as someone who isn't really interested in romance? like that aroace beam meme hhh i just feel like the most he would do with someone he really likes is hold hands and let them be nearby when he's doing something he considers 'private, me time' yknow? like knitting or watching novellas hhh xD a queerplatonic relationship yknow? especially with people he either canonically has interacted with or who i feel he could get along with after a while (like blue or nightmare- but that's just a personal preference x))

i just really like him! wish i drew more of him too ngl >:') <3333

[dunghillxx]

It’s been awhile.. I haven’t stuck to my word with this whole writing thing. But too be honest, I haven’t had the energy. I’ve been in this permanent state of exhaustion for awhile and I find it difficult to muster the energy to do anything really. Going on vacation to Florida really helped me release from that for a bit, but literally 2 days from being back...I fell back into just constantly feeling tired. I understand it’s being negatively viewed as laziness, I can see why it can be interpreted that way.. but like... I don’t WANT to feel tired all the time. I just do. I don’t WANT to live in a dirty apartment. I just can’t find the desire to clean it. I don’t WANT to wear the same clothes all 3 days off I have in a week...but I can’t find the use in changing my clothes just to lay back down on the couch.. I don’t WANT to feel and be like this...but I just do and I just am. 

I’ve had a lot on my mind lately. We’ve had a lot of deaths at work recently. Which isn’t abnormal, but when you watch so many lives come to an end, it’s difficult to find a silver lining. It makes me really think about life and what it all means. Which is some deep shit to think about at 23 years old. I shouldn’t be having these fucking God complexes at this age, honestly. I talk with dying elderly who tell me they have no regrets and they have lived good lives and if they could do it all again, they wouldn’t change a thing. That must be the most peaceful thing in the world to be in your 80s or 90s and to reflect back on your life and to have no regrets and to just genuinely feel ready to let go of what you have on this living earth. But hearing them say these things, makes me think about what I’ve done in just the 23 years of my life thus far.. Do I regret anything? Would I change anything? Is this what I want out of my life? Am I doing what I thought I would be doing? These thoughts are literally exhausting my entire being. 

And honestly, I do have things that have eaten at me for years. I try to move past them. I try to forget, and sometimes I do, but it’s only temporary. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but for some reason I can’t let go of these few things and I don’t want to STILL be thinking about this bullshit when I’m 80 years old... I want the end of my life to be peaceful. Not full of anxiety and regret. So I’m going to just lay out right here the things that have eaten at me for awhile because well, I don’t really know what else to do or who else to talk to so here it goes...

College wasn’t what I wanted it to be. My freshmen year was miserable. My roommate was an asshole to me for no reason. I was shy and awkward and had a difficult time connecting to anyone (not much changed all through college by the way..). Then I got a job at Cressy’s and met Cody. We became really good friends, which really helped. I helped him, he helped me. Then he met Katie and I met Obed. He fell hard and fast for that girl and she broke him to pieces. Me on the other hand, Obed changed my entire freshmen year. He introduced me to his friends. He got me out of my room. He talked to me every day and invited me over. He took me out of my comfort zone and made my life significantly better. But..he graduated. And that’s okay. I knew it was coming. I knew we were never going to be anything other than what we were in that moment. I understood that from the beginning. Did I have a difficult time when he left? Yes. But I was okay. We were very different from each other. It would never have amounted to anything and I am honestly okay with that. I am very grateful we met when we did because I was in a dark place and he made me feel visible in a time where I honestly felt like no one saw me. Cody and I remained friends all through college, not as close as the beginning, but still friends. I’m sure he still reflects back on his whole Katie situation and feels differently than I do about Obed...but we both needed to meet these guys when we did. 

Now fast forward to my sophomore year. I had a new roommate. Meghan. We literally hit it off instantly. We became close friends very quickly. We did everything together. We went to the furman and met all kinds of new friends. I introduced her to all the friends I had made the year before. This year was already a million times better than my first year. She met lots of boys and had several different love interests. I never judged her for it. She was her own person trying to figure shit out. I always stood up for her when people looked at her in a negative way. She had several boys she had interest in...Me? I was interested in one. The first day I met him I liked him. I thought he was weird and different and cute and I wanted to know him. I never felt that way towards someone immediately. I never initiated anything before. I never took the first steps. But with him, I did. I wanted to. I wrote to him on Facebook. I gave him my number. We began talking. And honestly, it was great for awhile. I was crazy about this fregging kid. Stupid crazy. I do not understand what made me feel this way about him, but I did. And as much as a hated it and wish I could’ve just turned off what I felt, I just couldn’t. I tried so hard to just get him to feel the same or to even feel HALF of what I felt towards him, but he didn’t. And that drove me mad. But he had warned me that he wasn’t looking for what I was looking for and I just couldn’t accept that. I did it to myself. He sparked my anxiety to a whole new level. He had a way of making me so goddamn sad but he had the power of also making me feel so goddamn happy. It was the most infuriating thing in the world. I literally went mental, I swear. I let my anxiety and insecurities literally ruin anything good I had at that fucking school. I let it ruin the relationship I had with Meghan. I let it ruin any hope of a friendship I could have with Nate. I let it just fuck up basically anything and everything it could. And I regret this. I truly fucking regret this. I could’ve left school with a best girl friend and a good guy friend. I could’ve had FRIENDS and people to talk to and hang out with. But I fucked it all up. I let my mind and emotions get the best of me and I left school with no friends. I have Cody, which I do NOT regret. But he is quite literally all I have. Who can say they left college with zero friends? Yeah. Not many. 

I wish I could make amends or at least just apologize. But like, it’s been a few years since all this bullshit went down and to me, it seems kind of foolish to bring up skeletons left in the closet, you know? Why beat a dead horse? I dragged this issue out until I fregging walked across the stage at graduation, so why bring it back up when everyone has moved on. That’s how I see it. But I also do not know how to forget it or how to ease my mind. How do I forget how awful this made/makes me feel? I let my poor mental health at the time interfere with anything I had good. I even ruined my relationship with Felipe out of my own selfish feelings. And he will literally never talk to me again.. so like I really fucked shit up in school ha... I don’t know. I want to move on from this. I feel like I have and then I find myself thinking about this shit at 3am all over again. I dream about it. I’m just over it and I want to just never think about it all again. I just don’t know how to do that.

Now, during all that bullshit and darkness, I found Cody (a different Cody than from work) along the way. We became best friends and then more than that. I found it easy to confide in him. He was ALWAYS there when I needed him. He never made me feel like shit for feeling sad. He never made me feel ridiculous for feeling so anxious about anything. He validated how I felt and made me feel better. We have been together for over 3 years now. We have began to form a life together, which is great. But there’s always unspoken issues that we have never resolved that are always poking up and we just keep shoving them back down instead of dealing with them. And I can see what this all means for our future and I think he sees it too, but we are both too stubborn and afraid to really say it all out loud. I love my job and I love Maine. He doesn’t love either for himself. Maine is too small for him and his ambitions. He wants bigger and better things and I’m happy with what I have. I like my job. I like my home. I like living near my family. He wants to move closer to his family. But if I move with him, I’ll be leaving behind everything I’ve ever known. I’d be uprooting my life for him and I’m not someone who adjusts to change that well and that’s a HUGE change. I would feel isolated and alone if I moved away. I would literally be starting my life all over and the thought of that is like cripplingly terrifying. And I can’t help but think that years down the line, I would resent him for this. And if he stays here with me in small ol’ Maine..he’s going to be unhappy forever. He’s going to have to toss out any ideas he had for his future career. He’s going to resent me. And frankly, I am not looking forward to that happening. And I can’t even ask him to do that for me. I’m not that selfish. I want him to be happy, really truly happy. Just like I would hope he would want the same for me. Then there’s the whole topic on kids which is apparently a new issue which doesn’t necessarily matter at the moment because clearly neither one of us is ready for kids...but I am not being deprived of that when the time comes. I’ve wanted kids since I could remember. I’m not fighting with someone over wanting them when I am ready. I need someone who is going to be like “okay cool let’s go!” And I don’t think that’s something he wants or is willing to do any time soon. 

I don’t know. These are stupid things that are eating at me quite a lot recently and I’m struggling to move past them/dealing with them. I just want a simple, quiet life. I don’t want to feel so complexed at 23. This is ridiculous. I just feel like I have no one to talk to about all of this so it just festers in my mind permanently and apparently there it will forever remain... Not sure how to help myself. But that is where I am at recently and just like in college, I’m driving myself fucking mental. But instead of being sad and a literal nut case, I’m just exhausting my entire being. Not sure which is better, but they’re both pretty shit ways to feel so like cool. Life is going swell.