#i may make an additional one w a link thats shorter

[horce-divorce]

I posted a lot leading upto my bday but I didn't say anything the day of bc of Big Depression... but I'm 30 now! I did the unfathomable to my younger self: I survived to 30 AND I'm seeing the gender doctor. holy shit.

But it was honestly still kind of a bummer like my bday often is, which is why I didn't post. I barely did anything out of the ordinary this year and I didn't want to post and get as little of a response as I had IRL.

But also, I didn't anticipate being out of work for 2 weeks bc of family shenanigans... or subsequently needing to spend all of the $150 of bday money I got from my family on meds and groceries, the only things I ever spend money on. I desperately need new clothes bc I'm transitioning and my weight has changed. I only own 1 pair of pants and they're sweats that are too big. I own 2 pairs of boxers. It's bad, yall.

That money was supposed to be for new clothes, new jewelry, a stand for my guitar... I was supposed to get myself a nice pair of headphones or SOMETHING with that money that commemorates the fact that I fucking survived to 30 just like I tried so hard not to all these years, A Treat. A Gift. This this the ONE time of year I ever can afford to buy myself just one nice thing and it's a really momentous year.

And instead I'm just using what little bday money I got for my Expenses like always. My 21st was like this too... I closed at the mall and passed out on my ex's couch. I didn't celebrate. I didnt even see my friends. I really wanted 30 to be different, and a lot of factors came together to make it so it was just exactly the fucking same.

Yeah so this admittedly is far from being the most compelling tragedy of our time... but it stings. It feels like it doesn't matter and like I'm stupid for it mattering so much to me.

And the whole "suddenly not working for 2 weeks bc I had to be on call for my mom 24hrs a day" has really thrown me and actually I am very upset that I didn't really get a birthday present/celebration. The Depression is always kicking my ass this time of year anyway, cats are still.triggering bc of how I lost mine and I wasn't ready to be roomies w a 12wk old kitten, and now I'm like, wow, I squandered my only 30th birthday I will ever have bc I just. Immediately succumbed to my oldest and most familiar demon and was putting all my energy and time into other people's endeavors instead of mine, just like always. What the fuck. So now I'm MORE Depressed that I survived to 30 haha like did I even deserve this :)

So anyway I expect less than nothing from this sob story but on the wildly unlikely event any of you feel for me and want to help me try to get something nice for myself and my transition instead of just fucking groceries...

v*nmo and p*ayp*l both are idleseas. here's to making it to trans elderdom out of nothing more than sheer spite, I guess. for me and you both ✌