#i need to stop the self pity bcos it's ... unhelpful and annoying

[yo-cousin-dima]

so it’s Christmas and as usual i’m dozing off the traditional British carb-fest... and i’ve come to the conclusion that next year i want to actually come out of my shell. so far i’ve tried to be more social and despite a lack of confidence it’s been v v fun, so i’m beginning to actually want to make the effort to go out and meet people. if shy, socially anxious 15 year old me could see me she’d probably call me a loser but i know she’d secretly be proud. idk what the point of this post is, other than to remind myself to work harder this year! 

it’s just hard to make friends, and it’s scary to know that it gets more and more difficult even for people more socially competent than me. maybe i’m autistic or something, idk, i just feel like every convo is a minefield, i can never get anything right. i try but then people are mean or dismissive and i never know what i did wrong... it’s just weird to think that my body is betraying me somehow, like my gestures or tone are signalling something i don’t actually feel. anyway, that’s something i’ve decided to work on. i guess i’ll try different things and if nothing works i’ll just settle for being alone - it’s not so bad and the friends i have are supportive and funny enough. i just want to be one of those people who just... works... socially, someone who can effortlessly talk to everyone and make people feel at ease. i like being direct and no-nonsense (yes very girlboss mmhmm) but people never take me seriously lmao. 

i’m surrounded by people who think they’re quirky and different when they’re all into Marvel movies and anime. i don’t want to judge - that stuff is popular for a reason, and i used to be the *biggest* weeb - but ... it’s popular. you can discuss that stuff with anyone! meanwhile i still have so many genuinely strange crushes, interests and favourite films/series and i haven’t found many people who share that. the curse of being into weird shit is that there are few people you can talk to about it - and i *want* to talk about it, so badly!  Tumblr was so good back in the day because of that, but now i’m touching grass regularly (gasp) i prefer in-person friendships. 

anyway, it feels lowkey insulting to see people pretend to be 'the weird kid’ when they’re not, and prob even made fun of people like me at school. and so many of these people just fit in without having to try, they find their groups and are so damn similar, style and life events and everything, until they all just blend into one homogenous whole. it’s cool but part of me wonders if i’ll actually enjoy that. i’m way too used to my own company and ideas; i want to share those but i’m not sure anybody is actually interested. people see me almost as a kid, because i look pretty young for my age, and my dress sense is ... ‘creative’ (in a bad way). i don’t want to overhaul my entire personality and style but it really feels like i have to in order to get people to listen and like me. “just be yourself” works for folks who act normal and relatable, but ngl i feel like a total freak amongst other women. they all seem put-together in a way that makes sense, kinda poised and collected, like they’ve carefully curated their sense of self and society just accepts that. 

so yeah, to sum up this weird rambling post... i need to figure myself out next year, and once more i’ve gotta try and make friends. i get bogged down with considerations and hypotheticals but i never actually *try*, and somehow it took me 10+ years to notice this??? 10IQ i swear. it’s appropriate that my Tumblr handle is ‘dima’ because like him circa present day i’m a mess :))