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adventmystery · 5 years

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Uncommunicated Love

Do you know how powerful prayer is? Do you believe that God answer prayers? How long do you think God answer prayers?

A few days ago, I attended a wedding celebration of my college friend. Ofcourse, I was also excited to meet my long time friends again. And most especially, I was excited to see the person I am praying for. It’s Mark. I prayed to God about him to be the best man for me. To be my future partner in life.

But, who is Mark in my life and why I prayed for him? We’re friends since 2014. We met by common friends in the Academy. To me, he is always there to support me and remind me about the things I should and should not. He helped me emotionally in very situation that I am facing. I am who I am when I am with him because I am very comfortable with his presence. He respect me as a friend and he never done something beyond our friendship. We meet every year or every time he visits his brother here in Baguio City. He is a breadwinner and his love for his family is genuine. Above all, his love to Almighty God.

Last March 2019, we had the chance to catch up about each other’s lives. We talked a lot of things. After that moment, I realized something that its hard to address so I thought of writing it out.

March 30, 2019

To my dearest friend,

I always wanted to write a letter for you since the day you left me in front of my door with your warm hug. I can’t sleep and think about you. Let me write for you this time. Minsan lang ito, hayaan mo na.

I never thought that you will still remember me and count me as your friend. And I am grateful to have you. (This is not a love letter, so please don’t tease me).

You are the person who always remind me to love myself. You are also the person who stopped me on doing stupid things but as you know, how hard headed I am. For instance, the Battalion Hop 2014, you told me that I should not attend because I might get hurt by seeing them happy. But there, I did not listened and instead I went to Hop. What happened next? I messed up. I let myself get into trouble my introducing myself to his girl.

Pero hindi nagtatapos doon. My next heart break came. I still remember what you told me, “love yourself by giving 70% for yourself and 30% for him.” But eventually we broke up. And this time, you told me, “sa susunod kilalanin mo ng mabuti.” If the time comes that I’m ready to enter to a new relationship I hope that everything that I’ve learned from my past will not be wasted. I think I figure out what I really want for a future partner. Can you be my standard? I am not saying I like you. (Well, maybe).

Remember the day that you should go home already but instead you asked me if you could go with me at the Academy? I don’t know why you changed your mind. After that, I thought you will already go home but you maximize your time with me and we went to Session Road for Panagbenga Session in Bloom. It was a little bit awkward for me because we never did that before. Maybe because we had limitations, we were both in a relationship before. I just got little bit surprised why we were so sweet with each other. But I don’t want my emotions play with it. And to be honest, I really enjoyed that moment especially when we watched the live band at the Session Road.

Fast forward.

You know that I have an interview to attend to at Quezon City the following day. I was really upset when I didn’t woke up in my alarm. And then, I went to your room and lie down beside you. I know I’m such a sweet and clingy human being. I don’t know if you misinterpreted it. I even explained myself to you. I lied to myself what I really felt about you back then. But best thing that ever happened was that you NEVER KISSED ME. I was so damn surprised. I know you were already tempted but you did not let yourself fell into it. And for that, I wanna say thank you!

So if I will entertain or choose a guy again, I think a guy like you. A man who is not easily be tempted. I will choose a man who is responsible. (Hindi ko na sasabihin yung iba. Sakin na lang yun).

You know what, hindi ko akalain na mag-uusap tayo tungkol sa faith. Sa natatandaan ko kasi noon nagkwento ako sayo dati ng mga ganun bagay muntik kitang ipagpray over. Pero ngayon wala na ako masabi, ikaw na itong pinangaralan ako. I became so disobedient when it comes to my spiritual life because of the last heart break. But after we talked I tried to open a book again. Little by little. Sana bumalik ako sa dati. And that’s another thing na gusto ko sa partner ko, yung pag uusapan namin yung spiritual life.

Did I told you what if I like you? What might happened to us? Nevertheless it did not happened. I will not be able to learned these things afterall.

Siguro dahil hindi ko rin naisip na magkagusto sayo kasi may girlfriend ka noon and you treat me nothing but a friend. And I respect that.

I hope nothing will change even if this is so awkward na. You know when I’m writing a letter it means you matter to me. I am so damn korny, right?

Last thing, if ever that time will come for me to love again, I want our first kiss will be on our wedding day. If I have a particular person in mind, I want it to be you. But if God did not permits, I hope for the best man and someone like you.

P.S. Did I just confessed? oh please don’t tease me if nabasa mo ito.

Love,

Jenny

My roommate, Arianne, told me that it was her first time to see me genuinely happy. She also mentioned it his boyfriend. They were glad that I finally experienced that moment after the heartbreak I’ve been through. Because of that, we made a deal. If time comes that we will meet again, I will confess my feelings.

Here comes the wedding of our friend. I did not expect that I will be invited at their wedding in Cagayan de Oro City. Mark is one of the groomsmen. I took this chance to finally confess it.

Wedding day. I became double-minded about confessing it. So I prayed about it, “ Lord, if I confess it will be awkward for us and it might ruin our friendship. I pray and choose to keep it to myself and keep our friendship. Our friendship is very important than risking it beyond. Amen.”

During the wedding, I noticed his ring finger that there are two rings, silver and gold. It looks like a wedding ring. I asked him about it but he just smiled and then I ignored it already.

During the reception, it is a practice to invite the single ladies and gents to participate in the games. I was one of the participant and then the host caught Mark’s attention saying “sayang naman Sir hindi ka na pwede, you were married 3 days ago right?” Then here I am so confused in front. Totoo ba? Baka nagjojoke lang yung host. I’m his friend. I supposed to know. I believe that was a joke until I asked one of our friends. “Is it true?” I asked. “Kayo ang magkachat bakit hindi mo alam”, he answered. Then he showed the pictures of Mark’s civil wedding. The girl is pregnant.

I was unable to move. I can’t even say a word. Should I congratulate him or ask him why?

A friend of mine called. Then I started to cry.

After the reception, we went to place where I stayed. I changed clothes and went to the hotel they stayed. Waited for them and went to after party.

I can’t help but drink more I could take. I dance like I don’t care who see me dancing. Laugh like there’s no tomorrow. Until a friend uttered something that strucked my ego, “magtira ka naman para sa sarili mo.” I stopped. Sit beside that friend. Then I stepped outside.

No one noticed me until another friend came back and looked for me. He said he was worried and looked for me in the dance floor and in the other tables. But no, I was not there. He looked for me outside and he was with Mark too.

I told them what happened and comforted me. I asked if I could talked to Mark alone.

I was crying. I asked Mark what really happened to him. Why he did not told us about his wedding in advance? I even asked him if it was just a “shotgun marriage.” I know what was a stupid question I ever asked to him. And regret about it. I did not congratulate him or say best wishes. I just think about myself. I was still crying and then told him that I prayed for him. Sobbing and hugging him. There’s nothing I could do now but to accept the fact that the person I prayed for is now married to other woman.

“Hindi lang talaga tayo para sa isa’t isa.” his last words to me.

After that, I know we will never be the same again.

He will always be a special friend that looks after me. A friend who wishes the best for me. I am always grateful for the years I’ve known him. He will always be in my heart.

I know he will be the best father to his child and a good husband to his wife. I believe that he will never fail them. The best of the best.

And for me, I believe that God reserved the best man for me. Waiting is not a easy thing but it will test my faith. Blessing comes with maturity.

Keep praying even if your prayers will not come true in your desired time because God knows the best for you and it will come in His right time.

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