#i saw eggs at the grocery store near me for sale for $10 and I just about shit my pants

[toomuchcronch]

So in a few days I’ll have officially been on T for a month which is super exciting!!! The biggest changes I’ve noticed so far are that I smell like shit and I’m super hungry 💀💀💀💀

[ryanmarshallryan]

Pride & Predestination

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of no fortune whatsoever, must be in want of a sugar daddy.

However, Henry did not fit this sentiment. In fact, he could care less about money or men, he really just wanted a large steak and cheese sandwich.

He lived just across the street from a sandwich shop. He heard a noise near the window and looked out, noticed the sandwich shop and glared at it, slouched lazily on the couch.

He looked more closely and could see a worker inside taking a footlong sandwich out of a toaster oven. He stared at it longingly and imagined it sliding down his throat into his stomach.

Then it was gone. He saw as the worker looked at the floor and back in the oven in a perplexed look. Henry felt a soft jolt from his stomach as though something had been suddenly deposited into it. 

Henry made himself to believe that the worker must have dropped the sandwich, and that Henry must have simply gone past the point of hunger that his stomach gave up trying to tell him to get up and eat something. He dosed off, letting his laziness get the best of him.

Henry had no desire whatsoever to go to work that evening for his closing shift as a waiter. All of the customers were snobby and entitled, and nearly every shift Henry had a dozen complaints that the Mac and cheese was too cheesy, or that the cheeseburger was too well done.

“The cooks are legally bound to cook ever burger well done for liability. It says so in the menu” he told a dozen unhappy customers. While taking back some food that customers flat out refused to eat, Henry looked longingly at it. People were so picky about food, but if it were Henry, he would eat everything in that restaurant. First of all, he tended to eat free leftover food anyways if there was ever a mistake, but he was starving as he didn’t have time to take a break before a rush. He imagined the contents of one particular plate being in his stomach as he emptied them into a garbage bin.

He was surprised that there was no sound of a thud onto the other trash. There was however a behind a point just higher than his navel that felt a bit expanded.

He brushed off the occurrence, assuming he was simply exhausted from working so much, got a cool drink of water, and continued working.

By the end of Henry’s shift he was absolutely exhausted. With the restaurant cleaned and closed, Henry returned home, kicked off his shoes, ripped off his sweat and greased stain shirt, grabbed a tub of ice cream and started spooning large amounts into his stomach. He wished his growling stomach would shut up. He wished that all the food in the house was in his stomach right now and that he wouldn’t have to waste any energy eating. He stared at the ice cream and imagined it was already in his stomach. 

It disappeared. And he felt a shiver rise up from his gut as a quick rush of cold cramped his stomach. Quite confused, and thinking he was going insane, Henry took a quick shower and went straight to bed. 

The next morning was finally his day off. His buddy, Greg, would be coming over to make breakfast with Henry. Henry must have forgotten to set an alarm, because he woke abruptly to Greg rapping on the door.

“You look dreadful” Greg told Henry as he opened the door.

“Slept in. Had the closing shift.”

“Were you the customer?” Greg asked, poking Henry’s bloated stomach.

Henry glanced down at his stomach which seemed to be protruding forward an inch or two more than usual.

Greg had brought fresh eggs and they made French toast with them, and covered them in syrup and bananas. It was much easier to be motivated to make food when Henry had a friend to share it with.

“Are you gaining?” Greg asked suddenly, “Bulking up for something?”

“No, just... bloated. Honestly I didn’t actually eat much yesterday.”

Greg took his plate and began cleaning it. Henry went to help clean too, but Greg stopped him, “You said you had a long shift. Let me clean the dishes for once.”

Gratefully, Henry sat and stared out the window across the street to the sandwich shop. There was a man in a hot dog suit holding a sign promoting some sort of sale of the day. The man looked positively bored standing in the hot sun, not too unlike Henry felt at his job.

“Fancy watching a movie?” Greg asked, pulling Henry back to reality, “You okay, mate? You seem a bit dazed today.”

“Oh, yeah, I’m all right just a bit distracted.”

“I know you’re too poor for therapy but if you need to talk to someone-”

“It’s not like that. Just had an off day yesterday.”

“Sudden weight gain is a symptom of depression you ought to-”

“I’m fine!” shouted Henry, a little louder than he had planned.

Greg still seemed a bit concerned, but dropped the subject. Greg convinced Henry to come out for a walk. Henry knew Greg was trying to get him to get out a bit to change his mood, and Henry didn’t really mind.

They wandered around the neighborhood a bit, passing a cluster of shops nearby. They were almost back to Henry’s house when they say the man in the hot dog suit, who called out to them.

“Special offer this week. Buy two sandwiches, get a hot dog free!” the man said in a monotone voice to them.

“What’s so exciting about a hot dog?”

“Couldn’t tell you” the man replied cooly.

“Do you like working at this shop? I might be looking to pick up another job to get a little extra cash.” Henry asked.

The hot dog man, dropped his voice low so only Henry and Greg could hear, “Let me put it this way. I honestly wish I were a hot dog, so someone would just swallow me whole and put me out of my misery here.”

Henry gave a little chuckle, while Greg responded “That bad?”

Henry attempted to make a joke “Well if I go order two sandwiches, reckon they’ll let me take you as my hot dog?”

The hot dog man glanced down on Henry and smiled back “I think I’d enjoy that.”

Henry gazed at the hot dog man and wondered what it might be like if that large hot dog suit was in his stomach. 

Suddenly Henry’s stomach was cramping uncontrollably. Greg assuming Henry was about to be sick, led him away back to Henry’s house. From the time it took them to cross the street, Henry’s stomach had expanded to three times it’s usual size. 

“What the hell?” Greg exclaimed as he pulled Henry into the house. There was a thumping sound and Henry’s stomach ballooned to the size of a small person, causing Henry to trip over his feet, and Greg to fall on top of him.

Henry shocked, yelled at Greg to look out the window and see if the hot dog man was still outside.

“No, but his sign is in the street. Maybe he went inside to get something.” “Oh he went inside all right,” Henry gestured to his enlarged stomach, which was now shifting in odd movements as if there was something large and alive inside it.”

Greg glared at it, then knelt down by Henry and put his ear to Greg’s gut.

“It’s quite muffled but he seems a bit confused. Swallow some ir for him, why don’t you.”

Henry tried swallowing some air, but stared at Greg dumbfounded, “I must be dreaming.”

“You must be dreaming? I think I’m the one dreaming.”

“What do we do now?” Henry asked as he felt a painful kick into his ribs from the inside of his stomach.

“Make you vomit, I guess?”

“But I never swallowed him, there’s no way he would fit in my throat.”

“What do you mean, of course you swallowed him.”

“I thought I was hallucinating yesterday but you seem to see it too.” Henry then recounted how he kept imagining eating things and how they seemed to disappear. Greg started rummaging through Henry’s cupboards and bringing out various snack items and had Henry imagine eating them. One by one, they disappeared. 

At one point they heard a very muffled “I love Goldfish!” from inside Henry’s gut. 

“Imagine eating a watermelon!” Greg suggested excitedly.

“It doesn’t work like that. I need to see it to eat it.”

Greg set off to the grocery store to buy as many random things as possible.

Henry sat idly on his couch staring at the mass of flesh before him. Occasionally he would hear a muffled “More air!” or “More goldfish!” He was surprised at how calm the hot dog man seemed to be in his stomach.

Greg returned half an hour later with a large assortment of fruits, snacks, meats and desserts. On they went for a good portion of an hour of Henry seeing how much could magic into his stomach with his mind. The hot dog man started shouting at them now “It’s getting a bit crowded in here, can you stop?”

“Can you imagine them getting out of your stomach? Maybe let out the hot dog man?”

Henry tried with all his might but nothing happened. “Well I need to see it to eat it, so maybe I need to see it to regurgitate it?”

“Well that’s unfortunate. You can’t very well see into your own stomach,” Greg said, thinking hard. He took a photo of the next food item with him phone and after Henry had eaten the item, he attempted to regurgitate it concentrating hard on the picture. Nothing happened.

“You should get out of my range of vision.” Henry told Greg abruptly.

“Why?”

“Well obviously I didn’t mean to eat the hot dog man, so I might accidentally eat you if we’re not careful!”

“Is that a bad thing?”

Henry glared at Greg in surprise, then closed his eyes tightly. 

“Henry, I’m fine really.”

“Why aren’t you scared of me?”

“Well, I, uh... I’m your best friend.”

Henry was not convinced by this reason but again decided to go along with it.

The next day, Greg drove them to restaurant after restaurant, doing as many food challenges as were available. Challenges and deals like “Eat this 10 patty burger in 10 minutes and you’ll get it free.” Everyone was quite stunned because he seemed to eat so quickly, they did not even see him do it.

They had not heard the hot dog man call out anything in over a day, so they assumed he must have been digested. Henry’s gut was no longer just a very tight bulging mass, but a doughy ball of fat. Greg seemed to really enjoy this. He rubbed and played with it. Henry was amused but also a bit confused, as he had never seen Greg act like this.

After another couple days of calling in sick to work, Henry went with Greg to a pie eating contest at a nearby fair. Henry was honestly a bit sick of eating so much, and was quite concerned about the enormous state of his stomach, but Greg seemed very excited.

Henry ate a few pies rather quickly, but paused for a moment looking among the cheering onlookers. He locked eyes with Greg. Why was Greg so focused on having Henry eat absolutely everything? Henry stopped eating and withdrew from the competition.

“What’s wrong? You had two pies on everybody else,” Greg asked in a concerned tone.

“I’m confused on why you want me to keep eating. This is bound to be bad for my health. Don’t you care about that?”

“Well... It may not be super healthy but it sure looks great.” Henry looked at Greg in a mix of confusion and disdain. “I’m not a pig to be fattened up and look nice, I’m a normal guy.”

“I’m sorry I let it go this far. I just... I’m kind of obsessed with you and you're stomach. Have been for a while. Been fantasizing about being in your gut for quite some time.”

“I’m sorry, what?” Henry asked, taken aback, “You want me to eat you.” “Only if you want to,” Greg said, eyeing Henry’s bulging stomach.

“But I’d digest you! And you’d die!”

“You didn’t think much about the hot dog man.”

“Well he enjoyed it.” “I would too so what’s the difference?” “You’re my friend.”

“If it makes you feel any better, once you’ve digested me, the curse will be broken.”

“The curse?”

“Well every time you eat me, time resets back to when you started being able to eat anything.” “I’ve - I’ve eaten you before?” Henry asked, utterly shocked.

“137 times so far,” replied Greg, then noticing the concern in Henry’s face, he continued “but I’ve been enjoying it! Sure, I’ve gotten to a point I’m trying to stop the cycle and allow time to keep moving, but I can’t lie and say I don’t enjoy getting eaten by you. I guess I am just predestined to be your stomach fat.”

“No! This can’t be. That means I’m stuck too. Maybe the only way to keep time moving forward is to not eat you!”

“That’s what you usually say. Your pride always gets the best of you. C’mon, just eat me for once. I much prefer you choosing to eat me rather than me climbing down your throat forcefully.”

“Well if you know what you’re doing,” said Henry, imaging eating Greg whole. His stomach extended slightly. It did not need to grow too much larger to accommodate Greg however, since it was already quite large. Greg disappeared from the spot he was standing and Henry felt a definite sudden weight gain in his midsection. For. while Henry just sat there as his insides were massaged by Greg’s steady hands.

There was a thump and Henry was back on his couch staring at the sandwich shop, his stomach much flatter than it had been in a while.

“Greg?” he asked the air.

“It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of no fortune whatsoever, must be in want of a sugar daddy. However, you don’t fit this sentiment, do you? Maybe you’d like to eat some sugar, daddy?” said Greg, climbing into the window.

“Did the cycle break?” Henry asked, hopefully.

“Nope, but you seem to remember attempt 138. But I’ve lost count at this point.  So this time I think we are going to try a new tactic. I’ve got a rocket ready for you. How does the entire Earth and all it’s inhabitants sound like for a nice breakfast?” asked Greg.

“Greg, what the f-”

[craniumhurricane]

sometimes you have to break a few

Based on a Tumblr post I saw like forever ago and thought I took a screenshot of but can’t find:

I was in Publix and saw this woman buying a shit ton of eggs in front of me, she turned and looked at me and said “I don’t actually like eggs, my daughter’s boyfriend cheated on her and I’m going to egg his car.”

Because Clarke would be that mom.

On AO3!

It's later in the night than Bellamy would usually be doing his grocery shopping but it's the only time he was able to carve out during his busy week. The Ark High Spring Fling dance was tomorrow and somehow he was roped into signing up to help on the party committee. (Scratch that, he knows how, it's because he can't say no to Miss. Vie.)

There's only two registers open and since one is reserved for customers with 10 items or less, Bellamy opts for the other. He's zoning out and going over his mental checklist for the next day when the golden hair of the woman in front of him comes into focus. He watches her as she attempts to juggle about a dozen cartons of eggs from her hands to the conveyor belt. There's something familiar about her hair…

And then he hears her cursing and mumbling under her breath and all at once it clicks.

“Clarke?”

She startles and Bellamy is honestly shocked she doesn’t drop any of her eggs. She turns around, eyes widening as she takes him in, “Bellamy?”

He smiles, can't help it, “Holy shit, it is you. What's it been? Six years?”

She's smiling too, “Give or take but who's counting.”

He hasn't been counting, not really, but Bellamy knows he hasn't seen Clarke Griffin since she and his little sister graduated high school. She went off to some prestigious college and Bellamy stayed in Arkadia. He tried to keep in contact with her but she must have gotten a new number and then his Facebook was hacked and he didn't see a reason to set up a new one. Basically, it just seemed like they naturally drifted apart.

Except here she is. Standing in front of him in line at his supermarket at 9:30 at night purchasing approximately 144 eggs.

He feels like he's been staring too long, all his thoughts and questions jumbling together, so he asks the first thing his brain sends to his mouth...

“Come here often?” and cringes immediately but Clarke snorts out a laugh so maybe it didn't sound as bad as he thinks it did. 

“Wow, that was awful,” she answers for him, but she's smirking. “Is that your way of asking if I've moved back to town?”

“Yeah, that's the appropriate way to word that question.”

She chuckles, “I've been back almost 2 years now. I got a job over at the physical therapy and rehab facility on Second.”

He tries not to let it show but he's surprised she's been back that long and he didn't know about it. Clarke was the same age as his sister but the two of them were always closer. He always thought that if she ever did come back that she would reach out. She must see something on his face though because she continues.

“I didn't know you were still in town, though!” she says in a rush. “I follow Octavia on Instagram and she seems to be as far from Arkadia as she can get. I assumed you'd be with her."

He shrugs, “Arkadia was always more my home than it was her’s.”

She ducks her head and tucks some hair behind her ear, "Yeah that seems right."

The cashier is done ringing up the eggs and calls for Clarke's attention; the poor woman only looks mildly alarmed by the purchase. Now, Bellamy’s seen enough movies to know that the cool thing to do in this situation would be to tell the cashier to ring up everything together and he’d pay for all of it… But that's a lot of fucking eggs.

Clarke pays and then to his surprise she waits for him at the end of the checkout line.

“I would ask if you were baking enough cakes to feed an army,” he says on the way out to the parking lot, “but for the Senior Year bake sale you definitely brought store bought brownies.”

She purses her lips at him for a second before exhaling in a huff, “No, these aren’t for baking. My daughter’s boyfriend cheated on her and I’m going to egg his car.”

The first thing he registers from that sentence is that she has a daughter. It’s only been six years so if she had a kid right after she left for college then at most they’d be in Elementary School. Egging a 5 year old’s car seems a bit excessive. And then the rest of the sentence hits him and he laughs.

“Finn Collins?”

"Old habits?” she smirks. “Clearly I haven't matured with age… and to be fair, that time it was Raven's idea."

He chuckles and shakes his head. "So you got a kid?"

He can see Clarke's face visibly light up at the question, despite the fact that it’s growing dark out.

“Madi, yeah," she says, "I fostered her for about a year and it was rough at first but we got through it and I think we both realized just how much we needed each other. I started the adoption process after that and then moved back here once it was finalized.” She pauses for a breath, thinks about it, and then adds, “She goes to Ark High actually."

He stops walking which makes her stop too. 

“Wait, Madi Griffin?” he asks and when all she does is tilt her head in confusion he clarifies, “I teach freshman at Ark High.”

She gapes at him. “You’re Mr. Blake!? Madi talks about you all the time.”

“She’s never had a class with me," he says, dubious.

“Yeah well, you’ve always been able to make an impression.”

And suddenly it feels like old times. Clarke saying something nice about him and him not quite knowing how to accept it. She used to do it often, and adamantly, and he never felt like he deserved the praise but it never stopped her from giving it. Just like before, he feels warmth spread through his chest.

“So,” she shrugs, “you want to come with me? For old time’s sake?”

He doesn’t normally believe in signs but it feels like the universe is definitely trying to tell him something. He wants to keep hanging out, wants to catch up on the last 6 years and see if any of those lingering feelings are still there. He considers her offer for probably a bit longer than he should before reasoning finally sets in.

“Tempting but unfortunately it’s a school night,” he says, mostly as a joke but it's true. “Besides, I don’t think it would look good if a teacher gets caught egging one of his student’s cars.”

“You don’t even know if he’s one of your students.”

“And if I’m not an accomplice to vandalism then I’ll never have to know.”

“Wow, look at Bellamy Blake all grown up.”

“Well, one of us had to,” he teases and then before he can chicken out, “Let me give you my number though. In case you need bail money.” 

“Wow. Smooth,” she smirks but she starts juggling her bags so she can take his phone.

“The smoothest,” he says when she hands it back. He sends her a quick text so she has his number and after that there's nothing left to do but leave.

“I'd give you a hug but,” she lifts her hands, laden with bags. And then he suddenly feels the weight of his own bags digging into his wrists.

“Next time,” he promises with a smile. “It was good to see you, Clarke.”

“You too. Bye, Bellamy.”

He almost makes it all the way to his car before he has to turn around and take one more look at her. It might be wishful thinking, but he thinks she's just turned back around from doing the same.

*

He contemplated texting Clarke all night but figured that would be creepy and make him seem eager, which he wasn’t. She texted him a thumbs up emoji while he was putting away his groceries, which he assumed meant she made it home alright. He hadn’t known how to respond to it last night any more then he knew how to respond to it the next morning.

So he just ignores it, or at least tries to. He has work and then the dance, so in theory plenty to keep him occupied.

Apparently, he had no reason to worry about social norms and the proper etiquette for responding to an emoji because Clarke shows up to the Spring Fling dance that night. She doesn't notice him so he avoids her and asks Maya about it instead, like an adult. Apparently she signed up to chaperone. He really should have paid more attention to this thing.

He’s about to go over and talk to her but Maya stops him and requests his help rehanging some decorations that fell down. After that she sends him off to his position at the refreshments table for the night and he completely loses sight of Clarke. He wants to go look for her but that would require abandoning his post and he doesn't trust these kids not to spike the punch bowl.

He’s not sure how much time has passed since time seems to speed up and yet stand still at these things. He also gets absorbed in his job and even chats with a few of his students as they stop by. He’s just confiscated a flask from Ethan Hardy when there’s a commotion over to his left.

“I know it was you!”

When Bellamy turns, he finally finds Clarke again. Unfortunately, it looks like she’s pissed off Nia Winters.

Nia Winters, or Queen Nia as many teachers call her behind her back due to the fact that she constantly gives this “I’m better than you and I have the attitude and money to prove it” vibe, is a long time parent of Ark High and tries to get her hands in every committee. Her eldest already graduated years ago, but now she has two more that go to the school. Bellamy will honestly be happy when they’re done with her and her overbearing “my child can do no wrong” parenting.

“I know it was you that threw eggs at my son's car!” she’s yelling at Clarke now and it doesn’t take long for Bellamy to connect the dots.

It must have been Nia’s son that cheated on Madi. Now that he thinks about it, he vaguely remembers hearing about them dating.

“I have no idea what you're talking about,” Clarke replies, expression completely cool and unreadable.

“The hell you don't!” Nia gets right up in Clarke’s face. They’re starting to draw a little bit of attention so Bellamy slowly makes his way over, ushering kids to get back to the party as he goes.

“I wasn't near your son's car last night,” Clarke says, complete with a straight face that even Bellamy would believe if he didn’t know otherwise. And then she looks Nia right in the eyes and adds, “Though whoever did do it was probably justified.”

Nia rears back like she’s been slapped before settling into a position that Bellamy can only describe as a predator ready to pounce. “How dare-”

“Sorry to interrupt,” he says as he closes the distance with two long strides. There’s still a few students looking but at least they’re trying to be discreet about it. “Can I help with anything?”

Nia whirls around to look at him and thrusts a finger out a Clarke, manicured nail just inches from her chest. “I want this woman to admit what she's done and be removed from the premises so I can press charges.”

Clarke looks like she's about to say something but Bellamy cuts her off. “I'm sorry, but I'm afraid she's telling the truth.”

Both women turn to look at him, each with their own look of bewilderment and shock.

Nia looks from Bellamy to Clarke and back. “And how would you know that?” she asks defensively.

Clarke’s looking at him with that quizzical head tilt again. He meets her eyes for a second, hoping they’re still able to communicate without speaking and then turns his attention back to the other woman. “Because she was on a date with me last night.”

Nia’s jaw drops and out of the corner of his eye he can tell Clarke is biting the inside of her cheek to try and suppress a grin.

“W-Well,” the woman stutters.

“Maybe check with one of his other girlfriends,” Clarke says as she steps forward and puts her hand on Bellamy's arm. “From what I understand, it's a pretty extensive list. You might want to get started.”

And with that Clarke leads him back over to the drinks table, leaving Nia absolutely fuming. He’s afraid she’s going to try and follow them but she just stands there for a few minutes before marching towards the doors of the gym.

When they reach the table Clarke doesn’t remove her hand from his arm. “Thanks for the save,” she says, looking at the dancefloor, purposefully not meeting his eyes.

“Anytime,” he half shrugs. “But if you had told me that Madi was dating Queen Nia’s son last night then I probably would have helped you out.”

She finally turns and smiles up at him, “You got to help me out tonight though.”

There’s a pause again as they lull into a slightly awkward silence. Or maybe he just thinks it’s awkward. He’s afraid if he doesn’t fill it then she’s going to leave and then he’s right back where he started with a stupid thumbs up emoji.

“You know,” he starts to say and she looks back up at him. “Maybe we should grab dinner sometime. To make this whole dating thing more believable.”

“Wow, smooth,” she teases, but the effect is lost by how bright her smile is.

“We already established last night that I was smooth.”

She laughs and moves her arm to lace it properly through his. “Dinner sounds great.”

[nicosroom]

My Money Snapshot

[Inspired by Corporette]

Location: Ohio, small college town

Age: 29

Occupation: PhD candidate (English)/half-time instructor

Income: $16,000 before deductions

Net worth: $588 (I’m crying)

Current Debt: $12,844

Living situation: Renting with a roommate

Money Philosophy:

I grew up in the “working poor” category. My parents are divorced and my father never contributed much financially. Mom made around $21,000 per year at work and she cleaned houses “under the table” to supplement that. Somehow, we never went hungry, what we ate was relatively fresh and healthy, and she managed to put two of us through Catholic schools for a total of 14 years. I know now that mom is still paying some of those loans and credit card debts and that part of her strategy included not contributing more than the 3% that her employer matched in her 401k. Every time I complain about the financial stress I feel at my salary level, I have to remind myself how comparatively unstressful my financial life is.

I’ve always been poor and I always knew that graduate school/academia is not a lucrative career. I tell myself that if I can make things work at this pay grade, then I’m ready for just about anything. My main strategy is to have a budget, stay in the budget, and save every bit that I can.

Monthly budget

$1000-1100 for the necessities each month. Monthly spending on eating out, entertainment, shopping and other categories varies widely. I also won’t lie... dating someone who makes 4x more money than me helps... I’m fairly frugal on all of these fronts: I buy most of my clothes second hand and I tend to shop seasonally. Spikes in spending occur around the winter holidays when I’m buying gifts and when I am doing traveling. And I also have totally weak, impulsive moments - like the $3 soap sales at Bath & Body works, or that time I spent $110 on bras and underwear on a whim. Anyway:

Rent: $272.50/month

Other living expenses: $130-170/month (electric, internet, phone, renter’s insurance - lower in summer, higher in winter)

Transportation: $332/month (gas, insurance, car payment)

Healthcare: $162/month (health+dental insurance, no vision coverage)

Groceries: $120-150/month ($30/week)

Debt Picture

Student loan: $2000

Car loan: $10,488

I’m a career student & my motto for all the years I’ve been in school has been “follow the money.” I went to college on very hefty scholarships and I only had to take out the $2000 loan to cover housing costs during my first year. For the subsequent three years, I was an RA, so I never had to take loans again. I applied to graduate programs based on the research fit, and when I got my offers, money weighed heavily in the decision. I would have loved to live in Boston as a wee 22-year old, but I wasn’t about to take out loans for a year’s worth of tuition and the living expenses. And to get a PhD while living in Minneapolis, my very favorite city in the US? It would have been such a dream, but for the quite steep difference in stipends and the significant disparity in cost of living compared with Ohio. My only regret on this front is that I haven’t started paying back my tiny student loan. I’ve been able to defer it since I’m in graduate school, which was a great idea when I was a master’s student who didn’t know the first thing about budgeting. But if I had just paid $25/month from the start of grad school the balance would be $0 about the same time I graduate from this PhD program this August. Instead, I’ll be scrambling to pay off the whole balance before my 6 month grace period ends. 

The car loan is less than a year old. I finally broke down and bought a new (by which I mean used) car last summer after really pushing it with the car my parents had bought me in high school. Repairing that car put me into credit card debt more than once and I was getting so stressed about it. It was time. I have a very good credit score, so I qualified for a nice loan rate with my credit union, and to get a better rate I got my mom to co-sign my loan. It’s a popular rental fleet model so there were tons of them on the market, but average miles were high - so when I saw one that was two years old with only a years worth of miles on it at $1000 less than the average price for that make, model, and year, I jumped on it. My payments are $231/month on the 5-year plan. Currently, I’m paying that minimum, but I plan to escalate my payments as my income goes up (I’m on the academic job market now, pray for me). I folded this car payment into my existing budget by giving up solo-living and finding a roommate. When I had my own apartment, very spacious with a huge kitchen and tons of windows/natural light, I was paying about $585 for monthly rent. I hate living with people, but I hated the idea of being trapped in this college town without a car even more - one of my other mantras is “you can do anything for a year.” 

A note on credit cards: I love them. I’m one of those responsible people that charges everything and pays the balance like clockwork every month. This is the only way to make sure you’re actually taking advantage of the cash back/reward perks! Currently, I’m using Capital One’s Venture card and stockpiling airline miles for travel (it has a 40,000 mile sign-on bonus). If you’re good for it, I also recommend one card with a great balance transfer program. For me, when I get into an emergency situation, it makes me feel like I have options. It’s been about 4 years since I’ve had to use my balance transfer card to cover costs ($1400 in car repairs, summer 2015), but at my level, I can’t afford to not have back up plans. 

Savings and Investments

$5,517 Cash

$7,861 Roth IRA + employer mandated retirement account

Retirement: The biggest financial mistake I've made in grad school is that I did not opt into the retirement account offered by the university when I started my M.A. in 2012. When they ask me that “what I wish I had known before I went to grad school” question, this is near the top of the list. I did, eventually, open a Roth IRA and slowly I started to build something. This year, when my graduate funding dried up and they made me a “half-time instructor” the retirement account for public school teachers was mandatory and the contributions are high: 14% of every pay check (annoying, yes, but on the flipside, there is an equally high employer match). While I’m contributing to this, I’ve paused my contributions to the IRA. I’ll roll this money over, either into the IRA or into another state/employer retirement fund when I move on from here. 

Personal savings: I strive for a minimum of $100 per month and frequently do a little more, but each month is different and I consider it a win if I break even. Through most of grad school, I’ve taken on “second jobs” to bolster what I can save (and boost my resume). Both jobs have been through the university, so they limit me to five hours a week. When I max them out, this can be an extra $200-250 each month. 

I took up a new savings challenge this academic year to build on my “play money” savings account (a high yield savings account which my bank labels a “goal setter” account). The challenge involves tallying the “total savings” printed on my receipts each month (i.e. when the grocery store is like “you saved $6″ because of sales and coupons). So, At the end of the month, I put that running total into my goal setter account. Sometimes the total savings are like $26, but others its as much as $171. It’s an interesting challenge because it encourages me to do tedious things, like scroll through all the digital coupons on the grocery store app; but at the same time, I know that the higher that number is usually coincides with a lot of shopping which encourages some self-regulation. 

I initially set my goal at $2500 when I opened the goal setter account in 2014. When I had to dip into the account in April 2018 to pay $930 in car repairs, I finally set plans in motion to buy my car. Since I bought used, I only put 10% down on the car (just over $1200). When I sold my old car for $1000, I put that money right back into the account to start saving for new things...

What I’m saving for now:

travel: to celebrate finally finishing this PhD, I’m hoping to pull off a trip to Europe. Later this year, I’m also turning 30 around the same time that one of my regular professional conferences is meeting in Hawaii. If I can do one or both in the next year, that’d be grand. (As I mentioned, I'm saving up airline miles with my credit card program, too!)

a multicooker: think InstantPot...but more expensive because my dreams all revolve around small appliances that match my stand mixer. 

What I do to be frugal... 

I’ve been frugal my whole life, but a couple of major habits I’ve formed include:

Meal planning and home cooking (read my guide to meal prep here). The money part of that means planning what I eat around maximizing the ingredients I have to buy. I plan meals that use the same ingredients so I’m not spending on an entire bunch of celery and then throwing out 75% of it. Routinization also helps, so my grocery lists stay about the same week to week and the bill relatively predictable - for example, I eat avocado egg salad almost every day for lunch. I know, avocados are not cheap, but I also believe in spending on the things that nourish you––literally and “spiritually.” Roxane Gay once said that she never bought avocados or blueberries when she was a “poor grad student.” Once she started making money, she realized she would buy them because she could afford them, but she also threw them out all the time because she didn’t plan her meals right to actually eat them. The point is, buy the foods that you like/feel good about and build habits around them. It’s not wasted money. That said, I won’t pay more than $1.25 for an avocado!

Second hand clothes shopping, especially for my business casual (it’s amazing what people donate to the Goodwill, barely worn!)