#i still have to write up an email for therapist before like 4pm so we can add more evidence to disability claim

[pegglefan69]

two phone calls + therapist session all before noon have resulted in enough fatigue & back pain that I need to go lay down. okay.

[thiswarpedreality]

I haven’t cried over the past in a very long time.

I have dealt with it and moved on

And I am genuinely happy.

However yesterday I got home from work around 4pm and realised i had an email from my Grammy.

Saying something to the extent of I’m home from England, I’m so proud of you you graduate in a month or so, and I can’t believe I got to be apart of this journey.

I was so smiley and felt really good but at the same time I couldn’t figure out why I had this almost stinging feeling in my heart.

I sat with my feelings and realised I was hurting because I had planned to propose to my ex at my graduation party. And I knew that my graduation would come with a reminder of that. But I didn’t think it would hurt this bad.

You see, on top of this a few days ago I got a delivery in the mail.

I had ordered a banner before I left for Singapore, as I was certain of my love for her and i didn’t want her to see me ordering and sneaking around this year so I planned all of the big things over a year in advance.

Which now seems like the dumbest thing ever, but at the time seemed rational, as it was her last overseas placement and I had the time to plan so I used it.

However I had forgotten about this banner, I was so focused on making sure the ring hadn’t begun to be made so I could get my money back. That this just slipped my mind. I had it delivered to mums so she wouldn’t ask me what my delivery was at home. Everything was planned.

The banner read “ Gina, will you graduate from girlfriend to wife?”

Which now seems so lame and corny but at the time seemed like a beautiful gesture, a semblance of love, turning my graduation into a day for her, for us. With all her friends there to witness and film it for her.

Receiving this I didn’t cry, my heart actually warmed as I remembered how deeply In love with this girl I was. How sure I was. I was so touched that I could feel that way and was hopeful all the damage that came from the end of our relationship (with the help of my therapist) would one day be gone and I’d be that person again. Full of hope and love and just jumping in blindly and not this person who is afraid to trust and love again.

However somehow the reminder from my Grammy that she’s proud of me for doing this alone.

Hit home.

I cried for a long time. I cried harder and longer than I have in over a year. Not because I still love her or miss her. But because for all these important moments in my life, I had planned or just assumed she would be there.

I had assumed she loved me, that she would never lie to me.

And I guess that betrayal of that trust is something I’m still not over.

And that’s okay.

I keep telling myself it’s been a year, over a year now. I should never think about her.

But it’s not like we had a normal break up, the wounds from Singapore and how she treated me will take time to heal and I should allow that time. I’m no longer angry, my heart is hopeful again and everything is working out, but it’s okay to be a little sad sometimes.

It’s okay to cry

My mum always quotes

“Better to have loved and lost, then never have loved at all.”

I still don’t know if I agree. Some days I wish someone could erase it all. So I can go back to the loving, trusting, all in type of person I was. Others, I am glad to have been so badly hurt at such a young age. The lessons I’ve learnt will be invaluable as I continue to grow and learn who I am.

If I’m fine then why write this post? Well besides the fact that no one reads my tumblr, it’s a reminder to myself of how far I’ve come and how proud I am of myself. And also a reminder to give myself a little slack, I’m only human and my heart is healing as fast as it can.

I have amazing friends and family who held me up through everything this past 16 months have thrown at me. This is also a reminder to myself to be thankful for them and for me to tell them more often how grateful for their support I am.