#i swear to god if ango were there i would drop dead

[strawbebbynya]

Body and Soul, Chp. 14

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As Kravitz made his way through the crowded streets of the city, his entire being seemed to vibrate with excitement. That bot… That bot was the answer to all his problems…

The Raven Queen had sent out her favourite bounty hunter for a single reason: to find where the souls of the dead were being hidden. In the past decade, thousands of souls had disappeared right under the Queen and her reapers’ noses without even a trace. Kravitz had suspected necromancers, at first, but there was no proof, no smell of it when he tracked down the bodies of the missing souls. 

When a missing soul did appear, they were often insane or simply unable to tell what had happened to them— those were the worst; they never understood that they had died in the first place. At least the insane ones had lead them to necromancers, although they had no connection to the disappearances. 

But this, paired with necromancers attempting to bind themselves to an android body, was an absolute breakthrough.

The bot had a soul of a dead man.

Taako Taaco had died two months, one day, 12 hours, and 23 seconds ago. He had not reached the Astral Plane, same as his sister, who had died shortly after. It was supposed to be a clean and cut case; the reaper had been following them for hours before their death, keeping a close eye on them, and they’d slipped right from under their noses.

“Um, excuse me, sir,” came a nasally voice from behind him. “You dropped this.”

Kravitz turned and blinked down at the shaky hand before him, holding his watch. “Oh! Thank you; most people would have simply stolen it,” he said, reaching out to take it. 

Upon the graze of his fingertips against the stranger's bare hand, Kravitz suddenly cried out and flinched away, as though he'd been burned suddenly. If he hadn't stuffed his hand back into his pocket with watch in hand, the entire car would've seen how the elf’s hand had seemingly disintegrated into bone. 

“Are you okay?” asked the nasal voiced stranger, reaching out to touch him. “Did I shock you? Oh jeez, I always do that, I- I'm so sorry—”

The voice continued on like that as Kravitz reeled from the pain, forcing flesh back over his bones. As a being of radiant energy, he was vulnerable to necrotic energies, but to be affected like this in his living form… What the hell were they? 

“I'm fine, I'm fine. Just… surprised me, is all. What did you say your name was?”

“Lucas. Lucas Miller. Oh! This is my stop! Um, try not to lose that watch anymore, stranger!”

As Kravitz watched the man brush by and run out onto platform, he began to wonder what he'd gotten himself into with this bounty.

————

The silence of the library was broken suddenly by the sound of Lucretia's stone of farspeech ringing, making the two of them jump. The older woman sighed and placed the files she'd gathered in front of Angus before answering the call. “Director speaking.”

“Lucy, we got a problem,” said Merle, his voice barely a whisper. “It's that Bluejeans guy.”

“Hallwinter?” Angus’s ears perked up as he listened in, eyes focused on the text before him (his mother did not care if he knew about her secret organization, but he at least had the decency to pretend he wasn't listening. “What's happened? Is everything alright?”

“It's fine— sorta. If you… Consider half his face burned off alright.”

“Wait, what?!” Angus shouted. “Wh— sir, what happened?!”

“Aw, jeez— seriously, Lucretia? You're letting the kid listen to this?”

“Angus has proven himself to be a valuable asset to our cause and—”

“Hi Ango!” interrupted Magnus. “Jules is asleep right now, but she wanted to know if you and Lucretia wanted to come over for Candlenights?”

“Maggie, I love ya, but—”

“We'd be happy to come, Magnus. I haven't heard from her lately, has she been busy?”

“Sirs, can we please get back on track?” Angus finally interjected. “What happened to Barry?”

“Right, right. Billy—”

“Barry,” the three of them said in unison. 

“— had his face… well, melted by fire. More specifically, by magic from a very powerful evocation user. It couldn't've been more than a second’s touch, but he won't have any sight in his right eye after this, and the scarring will take a better cleric than I to get rid of.”

The four of them stood by in silence. Angus could see his mother worrying her lip, the gears turning in his head. “Will this… interfere with his ability to repair Davenport?”

“Momma!” Angus gasped, but neither Merle nor Magnus seemed perturbed by it. 

“We can't know for sure, but the fire didn't hit any of his brain, so with a little time to learn to get around with one eye, he should be able to get the captain back in working order.”

That was right; mother had told Angus that Davenport was the first bot they ever built to… to have a human soul. Something had gone wrong in his head, at some point, and now all he was good at was acting like a parrot and abiding by his butler programming. 

“Thank the gods. He's our last option. I fear Lucas might be going into the next step of his plan soon— I've lost contact with Noelle.”

Noelle, Noelle… right, Lucas's assistant and momma’s spy.

“I can't say how long it'll take to get Bluejeans back in working order, but I'll try my best, Lucy. I swear.”

[rogue-rook]

many highlights from The Suffering Game from a first-time TAZ listener

also featuring bits from the Lunar Interlude IV: The Calm Before the Storm

that’s a fucking ominous combination of names, THANKS MCELROYS!!!!

griffin: “kravitz, who’s the bounty hunter for the raven queen, who’s the goddess of the natural passage of life and death” that’s an awesome title, wayyy cooler than just “goddess of death”

kravitz and taako is a good ship, im glad its a thing people ship

the BOB opened a wine and pottery place and i gotta give them credit for being so considerate of their employees and also being on top of the best hipster ass trends…justin named it the Chug and Squeeze. its the rowdy one

kravitz: "how much more dying do you think is gonna happen?" taako: "us dying? or like other regular dying?" kravitz: "any dying at all" taako: "there's gonna be some"

kravitz getting all agitated by the umbra staff and the probable lich inside it is making ME nervous

sweet angus macdonald, boy detective, is easily my favorite non-dead or death related npc

i cannot believe merle has kids

also merle called them the tres horny boys and im like my nickname of grubby grifters is way better and much less likely to horrify young children

sweet ango: “you can swear in front of me, its okay" merle: “oh shit thank god”

aw shit magnus has been having sleepless nights over the shit he doesn’t understand, poor sweet magnus

aw shit he’s gonna confront the voidfish!

a voidfish memory!!!! THERE ARE MULTIPLE VOIDFISH! aw shit there’s some big bad evil out there! AW SHIT THERE’S A BABY VOIDFISH!!

leon the artificer: "oh god, just put it in the machine, please god! im in hell and YOU'RE SATAN!"

garfield the deals wizard: “ah, angling to make a DEALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL” merle: “that was 42 L’s”

garfield: “i know what I want! YOUR SIDEBURNS!!!” everyone: “ohhhhhh”

garfield: “how about a tiny little scraping?” yall WHAT THE HELL DOES GARFIELD WANT WITH HIS HAIR???

OH NO!!! TAAKO IS GETTING THE FUCKING SWORD OFF OF GARFIELD!!!! HE BOUGHT A PERSUASION OBJECT AND THEN AN OBJECT THAT HE CAN USE TO CONVINCE A PERSON TO TRADE THEIR MOST VALUABLE ITEM! AND HE’S GETTING THE GODDAMN SWORD!!! HE METAPHORICALL LAUNCHED HIMSELF THROUGH THE METAPHORICAL HOOPS REQUIRED TO GET THAT FUCKING SWORD WITHOUT PAYING FOR IT!!!!!!! I AM SHOOK!!

griffin: “holy shit that was funny. as soon as I realized what you were doing, i was sent into a panic spiral!”

griffin: “i wish it hadn’t taken me 40-some episodes to discover the power of the epilogue”

the director: “taako, are you okay?" taako: "yeah, i’m fine! you're not my mom"

oh no the director lost 20 years of her life to a wager in wonderland and im like aw fuck this arc is gonna fuck ME UP

justin: "taako went on a date with death and now that i say this out loud, that sounds soooo cool!"

justin: “its not that taako is embarrassed about his sexuality, its just that he doesn’t think its anybody's goddamn business, especially these fucking clowns!”

magnus: "and you are?" sweet ango: "im angus macdonald, boy detective and your very good friend!" magnus: "um, sounds familiar...nah i tousle his hair and say ‘of course i remember you!’"

merle: "we're just jumping right in?" the director: "would you like to take 20 minutes to buy shorts again?" merle: "they were good shorts"

griffin "well now you have....CAPTIVES? you have now pokemon-ed these two boys!"

im like pretty sure griffin called magnus “madness”

merle: “please be hawkeye!” griffin: “yep, its the guy himself, hawk-guy, uh, no”

damn yall this twisted horror movie wonderland shit popped off magnus’s pinkie and stole merle’s dark vision

“welcome to the monster factory” YOOOO CROSSOVER!!!! MY SECRET WISH FOR THE FINAL PAM TO STEP IN TO THE ADVENTURE ZONE MIGHT ACTUALLY BE REALIZED!!

griffin: “you guys are basically fucking demigods right now. you're basically benicio del toro's character in the marvel movies” i had to google what the fuck griffin meant by that and i have seen almost al the marvel movies so i would easily label that as the Deepest Cut

taako: “do you think that wet ropes are conductive?” magnus: “more so than dry ropes!" [sounds of justin dying of laughter away from the mic"

oh god taako’s finally gone back to the ethereal plane and these glowy-eyed creeps are back!!!!! im so creeped out!!!!!

griffin: “damn, you're the danger squad!!” taako: “well, somebody dropped a washing machine on me and i got squished into a ghost!! so its not foolproof” well now ive got this mental image of taako as like a smushed goomba

griffin: “there’s NO healing in wonderland!” man griffin is getting just a tad TOO into this whole Playing God shit

griffin: “the severed head is just laying there...cuz its a head”

cam the body-less head: “im sorry i can't greet you with a formal hand shake, but i seem to have misplaced my...my everything”

 cam: “what brings you to wonderland?” magnus: “looking for a bell” cam: “must be a pretty good fucking bell”

cam: “what do you know about liches?” magnus: “they get stitches, i think!” justin: “LICHES GET STITCHES! okay” aw shit yall liches are becoming a plot point and the one single spoiler i know about (lup) is getting mE HYPED!!!

justin: “i know what you should give up! your B-I-B-LE!” and then justin fucking SANG AN IMPROVISED SONG ABOUT MERLE’S DUMMBO BIBLE

lydia the evil elf lich bitch: “are you three heroes ready for your ONLY chance at love??” magnus: “uh, pass” i feel like somewhere julia’s just laughing and cheering her grubby hero husband on

justin: "is it, griffin? is it real low? is it almost like some liches of your imagination sucked my hit points away from me?! would that account for the low-ness???” griffin: “that’s like real low” justin: “IT’S LIKE SO CRAZY LOW, HUH?”

travis: “yeah, merle’s a deeply religious person, when he needs something!”

griffin: “taako’s arms shrink into his chest, and his head gets real long, and he grows a tail, and he turns into a tyrannosaurus rex!” travis: “meanwhile magnus is setting mannequins on fire” yall this fight got real real real wild super quick!!!

oh god magnus’s SOUL GOT KNOCKED OUT OF HIS BODY

“I’ll be having my body back, you undead fuck” YOOOOO THAT SHIT WAS SO DOPPPPEEEEEEE

griffin: “i've reached a point where when i hear justin say 'im going to cast' i assume the next words are a thing that's going to break the sequence of the shit that you've written down”

justin: “im going to cast Animate Objects on the mannequins, and I can animate up to ten of them” griffin: “HOLY FUCKING SHIT, WHAT? HOLY JESUS FANTASIA!”

HOLY SHIT WHAT?? magnus’s kid memory has a different sky than the one he’s in now, and im like WHATTT???? THATS SOME MORE PUZZLE PIECE SHIT!!!!! MULTI-PLANAR PUZZLE PIECE SHIT!

clint: “i want to change Divine Word into Divine Wood" griffin: "and you pop the most righteous boner”

the fact that the umbrella ATE edward the magical evil elf shit even though taako is unconscious as hell is AWESOME

LYDIA THE EVIL ELF LICH DESTROYED MAGNUS’S BODY!!!! that’s some GARBAGE luck my dude

merle: "i have a spell called Raise Dead" magnus: "he's not dead" justin: "he's only mostly dead!" griffin: "OH MY GOD" justin: “we got monty python, we got princess bridge, this podcast has it all!

griffin: "just have somebody heal you! don't act like you got revived from the power of your cool catchphrase!" justin: “i can’t say a cool catchphrase twenty minutes after we won!” griffin: “okay what are you astrally projecting into the atmosphere???” taako: “LICHES.....GET.....STITCHES!”

jesus, magnus’s great life goal and plan is to be reunited with julia, that’s some tragic heartbreaking shit

rowan: “my day was pretty shit” magnus: “oh, are you a mannequin?” rowan: “oh my god is that MAGNUS??” magnus: “yeah, so, maybe like keep your shit to yourself, unless you’re a fucking mannequin”

justin: “hey, i have a question, among like retrieving our belongings, did magnus, he did get himself a new arm, right, he got his arm back?” travis: “yeah, plugged it back in like G.I. Joe”

“you made something, and you’re terrified of it...[..]..you removed your uniform, and its a bright crimson uniform with an insignia patch...[...]...you decide they’re the ones who are going to be able to keep this cup safe” PUZZLE PIECES!!!! PUZZLE PIECES!!!!! HOLY SHIT YALL!!!

they’ve come back around to the start, where wave echo cave is and the gerblins arc took place, and im so EXCITED!

“sturdy. denim. blue” I CALLED IT AND I WAS SOOOOOOO FUCKING RIGHT AND IM SO HYPED TO BE RIGHT!!!!!I IT WAS BARRY THE WHOLE FUCKING TIME!!!!

this arc felt like a million goddamn years, cuz of all the, ya know, SUFFERING, it actually felt more tedious and exhausting than fucking petals to the metal, but it was pretty good, i liked it. i also feel like the grubby grifters have earned a new nickname: the grubby heroes