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ayellowcurtain · 4 years

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Sobbe fight. Robbe regrets it and texts Sander who agrees to forget about it. He then tells Robbe he’s going on a two-week long school trip and distance may do both of them some good. During the trip, Robbe follows him on ista and texts him, Sander replies laconically without the usual doting tone. Robbe feels insecure bc things are still evidently tense between the two. When Sander returns, he still doesn’t reach out. Robbe decides to talk face to face. Sander confesses he’s been having doubts about showing affection so openly, that Robbe thinks his grand gestures are a bit too much. Robbe tells him to stop being silly, he loves him the way he is and appreciates what he does for him. They have a hand on heart talk, they communicate honestly and make up completely.

Robbe could recognize his own symptoms: back to overthinking everything, feeling the urgent need to always do the right thing for everyone. He wishes it was easy to change his mindset and start acting normally again, but everything was pilling up and he exploded with the one person he knows he shouldn’t. It wasn’t even a big fight, Robbe thinks he knows a thing or two about how those ones really are, based on the years he had hearing his parents fight and then fighting with his dad for leaving.

But he could tell Sander didn’t like the way Robbe lashed out on him after another day of Robbe working very hard editing a video for Jens until late at night, watching his friends having fun without even inviting him, just sending him the videos for him to edit for their stupid channel.

Sander made a joke about how Robbe was still Jen’s horny lapdog and he lost it, saying he was just trying to help his stupid friend get his dumb video uploaded and for Sander to stop acting like Robbe was the one horny for someone else back in the day.

And the look Sander gave him after, and the hours-long silence were more than enough signs for Robbe to understand he had overreacted, and even that’s an understatement. Sander barely talked to him, they slept apart from each other on Robbe’s bed and when he woke up, Sander was gone. No note, no text, he left without saying goodbye.

He was a little upset to be left behind like that, but he didn’t argue, looking at his phone for a minute before sending a few texts to his boyfriend.

to Sander: hey

I’m sorry about last night. I was so stupid and didn’t mean what I said.

I was just angry and lashed out on you

I’m so so sorry,

Let me know when you’re free and if I can go to your place tonight…

I love you, Sander

Robbe waited, bitting his nails, but Sander didn’t respond right away. He checked his phone again when he got up, a few times during breakfast and one time before shower and another one before leaving the house to go to school.

Sander hadn’t responded, he hadn’t even read the messages, any of them. He’s not one to make Robbe wait for a reply, but Robbe tries not to think about it while in school, trying to focus on his classes. He walks to his bike with Jens, but he doesn’t feel like talking. He’s done with the video and today he just wants to fix things with Sander, not bothering to worry about Jens and his worried looks.

He reads the messages he sent again when he gets home, walking around in circles inside his bedroom not to worry his mom. It was dumb to invite himself to go to Sander’s place and Robbe feels self conscious, thinking about deleting that message since Sander hasn’t read any of them yet.

Robbe sits on his bed when he starts getting dizzy after walking for so long in such a small space. He doesn’t want to talk to his mom, to answer her million questions if he tells her what happened.

He does all his homework for the week, check his notes from every class, and checks his phone every five minutes. At least he’s ahead with everything for the next few days, able to spend time with Sander whenever he feels like it and also has the time. It’s almost the end of the semester and he knows Sander needs some free time these days, not thinking about drawing for once.

Robbe eats his food slowly, trying very hard to act normally around his mom, asking how her day went, how was therapy. Robbe tells her his homework is basically done for the week and that his head is hurting a little so he’ll go to bed early.

She grabs their empty plates and kisses Robbe’s head on her way to the sink, saying he can go rest.

“You deserve it, honey.” She says, playing with his hair and leaving an extra kiss before moving on to clean the rest of the table. Robbe would usually help her anyway, but he accepts not helping her for once and drags himself back to his bedroom just in time.

He smiles to his phone, accepting the video call while he locks his bedroom door.

“Hey, you…” he tries not to sound worried about hearing from Sander almost 12 hours since this morning.

“Hi…” Sander doesn’t look or sound too excited to talk to him. Robbe explains to himself in his head it’s because he’s probably tired, overwhelmed with the end of the semester.

“How was your day?” Robbe sits on his chair, paying attention to his boyfriend. His hair is getting a little long again, like an aura around his head.

“Long, exhausting.” Sander sighs, dropping his bag on his bedroom floor, taking his jacket off, changing his phone from one hand to the other. Robbe bites his lip not to invite himself to go to Sander’s place again.

“Did you get my texts...? I think my phone is dying, might have to buy a new one soon.” Robbe smiles, even though his phone is working just fine.

“Hm, yeah, yeah, I did.” Sander throws himself on his bed, sitting, finally giving Robbe his full attention back, putting his head against his hand, messing his hair a little bit to push it away from his eyes.

“What’s wrong...?”

“Nothing. It’s just that I have to go away for a few days. My teacher needed an assistant for this trip for his exhibition.” Sander sounds annoyed, tired, but also like he decided to go, and it’s letting Robbe know about it before leaving.

“When...are you guys going?”

“Tomorrow, first thing in the morning,” Sander says, avoiding to meet Robbe’s eyes, busying taking his boots off.

“So you’re leaving...without even saying goodbye.” Robbe swallows his opinions about it, hating how low and upset he sounds and he knows Sander noticed because he looks up, holding his phone right again.

“Robbe. It’s just for two weeks. We’ve been apart for longer.”

“You couldn’t stop complaining about it during the quarantine.” Sander doesn’t answer, he sighs, annoyed, looking elsewhere and Robbe wants to ask him to look at him and tell the truth, but also apologize if Sander didn’t get that he’s sorry already.

“I think it’ll be good for us...two weeks apart.”

Robbe frowns, caught by surprise with Sander’s desire. He never thought Sander needed some time apart, two full weeks apart by his own choice, “You really think that?”

“Like I said, it’s just for a few days.” Sander shrugs, talking a little more softly like he normally would, making Robbe thinks this is just it, nothing deeper like Sander trying to find an excuse to slowly create a distance between them.

“You need time, okay. Sorry.” Robbe shakes his head, closing his eyes for a second, “You need time and I’ll wait.”

“You’re being dramatic.” Sander breathes out a laughter that doesn’t meet his worried eyes.

“I’m not. What else can I say? Don’t go because I don’t want to? It seems like a good opportunity and if you say you need time, you need time. That’s it.”

Robbe looks at his empty glass on his nightstand, gently touching it, following the circle at the top, trying to keep himself together. He was an asshole, but he didn’t think it was enough for this reaction.

“I’ll be back in two weeks, okay?” Robbe can’t talk anymore or he’ll cry like a needy baby so he just nods his head and Sander smiles sadly at him, ending the call.

He lets his phone slip to the ground, the thud not even worrying him. He lies back, pressing his palms against his eyes. And just like that, he won’t see Sander for two whole weeks.

#wtfock #robbe ijzermans #sander driesen #robbe x sander #sobbe

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abarahman-richard-chignell · 5 years

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Who's a good Sheikh/Imam to listen to online?

A major challenge for Reverts is how to start their journey, whom to turn to, whom to listen to? In this day and age, the first port of call is so often the internet. Why is this? Well, let us be fair, barely anyone comes to Islam on a spur of the moment decision. This is not a knee-jerk kind of a deal. Most, particularly those who are looking at Islam through western eyes, and having had a western education are going to research this decision majorly. Indeed statistics I recall looking at highlight this. The major catch with this, of course, is that as we know from other experiences of the online world - the internet is not a safe place. Now the truth is there is absolutely no substitute for real humans. In this case for an Imam, local study-circle of pious Brothers or Sisters, or a learned Scholar. On top of that, there are great treasure troves of scholarship that we should really be studying to acquire this knowledge. BUT how on earth are you meant to find them? How on earth are you meant to know who's good and who's not? She wears hijab - she must be learned? He has a beard and is wearing Arabic clothing - he must be a good Muslim, right? I don't understand Arabic so how can I read these great books? Yep, it's a minefield out there and at this early stage, you really don't know the difference between up and down. So...... you are going to turn to the internet.... you are going to find your way to YouTube and settle down to a binge-fest! Now I hope inshaAllah, to suggest resources that are a good starting point in the journey, ones that helped me a great deal as well as perhaps how to go about putting together a good circle of Brothers for the chaps and Sisters for the ladies. Yep, you heard that right, don't get yourself in a sticky situation at the start by mixing your religion and your emotions by learning from the opposite sex and then falling in love with what is more than likely going to be some sort of forbidden fruit - I've seen that all too often! Don't go there! Since you are going to be online let me tell you how I tackled this and I am very pleased I did it and do it this way. InshaAllah it will help you. Actually, I think this is not just for newbies but applies almost completely across the board. A simple test I used. 1) Is the person you are listening to angry, critical, very political, and importantly is their manner displeasing to you? I think this is probably the single most important litmus test you can use. From my experience, any of the characteristics above are unlikely to be displayed by someone who really follows Islam. As you read about Prophet Muhammad pbuh, the companions, the great scholars, and just meet genuine real Muslims in the wild you will find that they display the opposite characteristics. So if you feel uneasy, you are probably right to. Hindsight shows I basically always was (with one funny exception that in a future episode I may poke fun of myself over). So what do you do? Move along. Your inner wisdom is serving you with all the signs you need. The internet is not a safe place - be careful out there! 2) A reminder - we have no right to define who is or isn't a Muslim. Remember there is only One Judge that you should be concerning yourself with. He is The Judge and He tells us that when The Time comes you are absolutely not going to be caring about someone you watched on YouTube! So remember if they testify as Muslim then they are Muslim. Don't get into he's not a good Muslim or worse classifying someone as a Kufr etc. Only Allah swt can look inside hearts. Not you! It is above your current paygrade and pretty much the majority of the Ummah to grade what they are saying as correct or not. There are some obvious things but a Mercy of Allah swt is that our Deen is very broad and only a relatively small number of things are Haram. My heartfelt advice is, just don't go there and leave it to the big boys. At this point, you probably don't know who the big boys are - which means you are absolutely not one of them! There is the saying that "a little bit of knowledge is a dangerous thing" and it 100% applies here. Put this in a context you may understand. When you finish school you think you know everything about a subject and yet when you go to university you are told that everything you thought you knew was wrong. Now the real learning begins. After your undergraduate studies, you feel like you have mastered the universe until you start postgrad and you realise that you haven't even really scratched the surface. All the way through to being a professor where you realise how little you really know. Our Deen is so deep you have to get this in your head now. So have a simple heuristic - if it doesn't sit well with you as in my first point just move onto someone else. Also, a major commonsense point on this is that everyone has something to offer. There are full-bore atheists, secular-istas, insert whatever characteristic you feel is very antithetical to Islam, who still have many beneficial things to say that you can learn from. Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater! If so and so is 'Sufi', or 'liberal', or 'Salafi', or whatever label you might want to give them, if you listen to them and something resonates and is beneficial - take it. What you hear that you are unsure about - don't take it. Don't be silly about this either, don't swallow everything you hear like a sucker, think about it, see if other people also say it, see if you can find it in the Qu'ran, see if you can find it in accounts of the Prophet pbuh's life, if you are from a Christian or Jewish background most of the stuff you are going to hear is going to feel very familiar - you are commanded to think as a Muslim, to use your God-given intellect - do so! So to wrap up, if you follow the above steps and reminders, you are going to likely manage to steer your way through this stage of your development. Plus, it is always going to actually serve you. So far that has been my experience anyway. And a final titbit. You know what I do when I follow the above rules, is that I thank Allah swt for what I find that is good, and if I feel unsettled about something someone says, I pray that they are rightly guided by the One that Controls all matters. I use it as a point to be careful to not backbite. I use it as a reminder to have manners whereby if I have a problem with another Brother I should raise it politely and directly to them in person. I certainly don't comment on the internet and join in some kind of comment frenzy with the other misguided throngs of internet warriors that frequent those sections. There is not a lot of halal to be found in comments sections! You know that, I know that, we all know that, so don't fall into that trap - you really think Abdul7863 is going to change his life because of your pithy comment! Come on now!! If something or someone has upset me in my Deen by what they said, firstly I give them the benefit of the doubt that I probably misunderstood, then I ask someone - in real life, a real human that I trust, personally face-to-face, who knows more than me to clarify. Finally, I pray that Allah swt guides them and me to what is right for us in this life and the next. I say Ameen and get on with my life.

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