#i think it goes back to my grandparents' childhoods & them being protective & secretive with money after growing up in poverty

[daylightflaneuserie]

while i've been away at uni, my brother's developed the same fear of spending money with which i'm still trying to deal, which is so upsetting because he's literally 17 this stuff shouldn't have to worry him

[rosemusic18]

Spoilers Ahead for Stargirl S1 E9 (Brainwave)

 I am tempted to just start doing youtube channel, but for now I am blabbing to a post on tumblr about Stargirl episodes from Episode 7. But let me just get to everything I want to for this week. 

All the spoiler will not only this week be in my opinion on the episode but will be also just spoilers over the 41 minutes of this episode. 

Overall episode: 9/10, I enjoyed this one more than last weeks. It had more moments with some of the character, and went more in depth of some of the storyline. Along with Brainwave, so I am excited for next week to see what happens. 

Summary: Alright, so we start the episode off with Henry King not Henry King Jr. with him starting to learn about his powers in a lab full of experiments. We see him getting muggled until he reads the thoughts of the man and then gives the man a seizure and then the man falls on the ground and dies. And then we see him go in front of a camera filming or documenting about his powers after experimenting on himself. Then we see Henry pulling out the tapes from his fathers vault and starting to watch that video which was marked Day 1. Next we see Courtney talking about how she wants to recruit Henry Jr. to the JSA, and use his powers to figure out what Brainwave’s Power is. Pat at first is weary and we see a picture of the Seven Solider’s Of Victory. Which of course Pat was apart of. But he explained how the stopped Cindy’s father or Dragon King in New York once since I have forgotten Cindy’s father name. Then we see more of the Janitor which I suspect he is either a JSA member or apart of the Seven Solider’s Of Victory. Because he sees a vision of him holding the staff which is his mop. Next we see Beth looking at Cindy’s house with the goggles and it says she went to study overseas with her mom which isn’t true as her father the Dragon King locks her in a chamber in the underground tunnels are. And then she talks about how she killed her mom. Her Mom seriously. And then her father puts gas that makes her go to sleep. Bye Cindy for just this episode. Then we see more of the videos or tapes Henry is watching, and then him using his telekenetic powers. And then we see the JSA fight due to Courtney wanting to recurit Henry and Yolanda storms off after what Henry did to her. Beth agrees with Courtney while Rick sides with Yolanda. (Civil war vibes). Next we see more of the Tapes, and Henry watching them. Later to see his dad’s hate for humans. And then he talks to his maid, and after that he hears her thoughts, and then hears his dads. Then we finally see the plans of the ISA when Dragon King annonces that Henry Jr has his fathers telepathic abilities. Which then the satelite would work and would make people fall under “the perfect world” under mind control across six states to make a perfect america. Like super serious villain vibes. Then we see a moment of Jordan in his office until Barbra interrupts him on his mission that he finished, and then she invites him to dinner. Like seriously I swear he will kill Pat. Then we see Henry reading minds of people when he goes to the hospital. Then Courtney and Henry have a moment where she is trying to recruit him and trying to tell him that their is good to every bad person and their bad thoughts you just got to look deeper because everyone loves. And she told him he can come to her whenever and help her. And then leaves. And PS. yes now henry knows Courtney was the one that did that to his father. Then we see that Pat wants Beth and Rick alone to do some research about the underground tunnels. So they get alone time but Beth reads all the books, while Rick tries to see more of his father’s journal since Pat needs to go to this Dinner. Oh I already told about the whole Courtney and Henry which goes after this but anyways it happens. Then we see more of Barbara and Pat talking as he almost tells her about everything that him and Courtney are doing before Courtney stops him and the guest arrives. We see the Mahkent’s enter and I just lit up when I saw Courtney see Cameron and his father and grandparents at the door. I just love the two. And then we see Henry get pulled into a room which is Yolanda doing it because she tells him or warns him she will kill him if he messes with her friends you know who the JSA. And she will kill him, but he reads her mind and I feel like she may be the reason next episode he helps since she said she loved him, past tense. Then we skip back to the dinner seeing that Courtney and Cameron are sitting next to another and then they say a prayer which only Jordan and Cameron’s grandparents know because it is in Greek, and he could only speak French or learned it. Then we see Pat get jealous like seriously death glares at Jordan, I want to see those two fight fist fight. Because I swear Jordan wants to kill Pat because he likes Barbara who is a married women. And then we see more of Rick and Beth (Hournite)  which Beth found something calls Rick who are then sitting together really close on a couch as Beth is reading over the history of Blue Valley and the tunnel and when they are built. And then we see how both of them talk about another to each others parents. Like oh my gosh they are so cute! Then Jordan asks about Pat and let me say I swear they are trying to rival another. Then we hear about “why Pat moved to Blue Valley” which is partily true. Then we hear a small bit of Barbara hating a bit of her childhood in Blue Valley. Then they both talk about remaking Blue Valley with what they are doing for families and Jordan and Barbara smile at another. And then we hear the grandparents talk about how Courtney worries them and how they might have to kill her basically. HELL NO! I love Cameron and Courtney and two those Grandparents need to go. They are speak Norwegian. And then Courtney does go get more food since she gets up then grabs the hot pot of food, and then she gets the gloves on since it stings her. Once she goes back and hands it to Jordan it doesn’t effect him at all. Then let’s go smaller we see Courtney and Pat talking in the kitchen on how Jordan could pick that up without gloves and with his hands.Then they talk more about him being icicle and then she suspects Cameron. Like ok I get it would be hard not to since Cindy is bad. But hey I love them together so please writers don’t let them flop. I NEED THEM TOGETHER. Then they leave and we see Cameron basically asking her out to hang out again, lets hope it isn’t at his place. But they do hug which is cute but I need more. Then we see Jordan and Courtney interact as he says he wanted to meet her and supports her basically giving her his blessing to date Cameron. Hey at least even though he is a villian he supports them dating. I love that. Then she runs down grabs the staff as Pat goes after her and she is about to go but Pat says they need to tell her mom. And in the end boom! Barbra sees it and she drops the staff which stops glowing. THen we see Henry in the hospital room with someone who says about a Will that is more trying to steal his family money. Then he does the same thing his father did by killing the man. Then at the end after that HENRY KING not HENRY JR. Wakes up from his coma and talks to his son. THEN End of episode. I don’t think this a summary more than a full recap because I swear this is the whole episode. 

HOURNITE SCENES FINALLY MORE BREADCRUMBS GUYS THEY MIGHT GIVE US A LOAF OF BREAD SOON.

YOLANDA BEING A BADASS!!! Like she goes after Henry and threatens him about her friends. So can she be my friend? 

Cameron and Courtney Scenes, I don’t want her to judge Cameron based on his father, I need them together and I want him to be good. 

HENRY READING MINDS AND KILLING A PERSON. Like yes he kills someone but I do suspect that is why he helps them too not only because of Yolanda, but because he didn’t enjoy it he wants to help people and sees what Courtney means. 

PAT BEING JEALOUS OF JORDAN!!!! I loved it so much the jealousy and tension between the two at the dinner was crazy funny and I want Pat to beat him up even if it’s in his Stripe suit. 

Learning more about Brainwave was cool because backstory time. 

DID I MENTION HOURNITE SCENES. 

BARBARA FINDING OUT COURTNEY AND PAT’S BEGINNING OF THE SECRET. Not fully but she saw the staff and heard a bit of the arguements between the two. 

HENRY WAKING UP HIS FATHER. I loved that scene because I knew it would happen I guessed it. I knew Brainwave would wake up. HE IS BACK AND READY FOR STARGIRL’S BLOOD IN REVENGE. 

I DON’T KNOW IF BRAINWAVE REMEMBERS YET IDK NEXT WEEK MIGHT TELL ME. 

HENRY NEEDS PROTECTION BECAUSE I FEEL BAD FOR HIM. RUDE AND HARD ON THE OUTSIDE BUT A CONFUSED MARSHMALLOW ON THE INSIDE.

Can you tell I’m writing this at midnight my time, and I’m tired but I wanted to get this done since I watched the episode 10 my time. 

What I believe and want in Stargirl S1 E10 (Brainwave Jr,)

To see the JSA kick some butt for once and get back in action.

Did I mention Training scene before, hmmmm YES YES I HAVE. I need just one scrap of a proper one from the team. 

When the JSA enters the tunnels and finds out about the plans that the ISA has. 

Barbara and Pat fighting about everything and how she was lied to. And how Jordan is flirting with her. 

More scenes of HOURNITE even if it’s just a loaf of bread this time. 

Cameron and Courtney scene like where she goes on a date with him. 

Henry Jr. decided to be good because he didn’t like killing the person and doesn’t want to be like his father or hurt the world so he decided to join or help the JSA fight the ISA. 

See Henry apoligize to Yolanda and where she can at least stand him for two minutes to listen to him. 

A kiss scene not long but just one not saying which ship it doesn’t matter I just need a bit of romance since things will get ugly once E11-13 hits us. 

More of Dragon King. I need to know more about him, and this Janitor. 

Thank you guys for reading it. Me and tumblr on my phone are fighting since I finished this last night and it wasn’t posting. But now it’s out, and now I can stop trying to save it on my phone when it doesn’t. I have tried posting it, so they’re are no fun colors really for me to play with on my computer. Ok but for now enjoy. I’ll be back next week for E10.

[agl03]

Deke deserves the "contempt" as you call it that the team is giving him. His actions have shown he's still the selfish person from the future and now he's trying to protect a serial killer.

Hi Anon,

I think you’ve sent me a few asks along the anti Deke lines and I’ve kept deleting them but I’ve had a long week full of a lot of pain and now some of the really good drugs so I’ll respond just this once.

If you are anti Deke feel free to unfollow me right now, because I love his character, love the Fitzsimmons Family, and hope I am right about the arc he/they are on right now.

Has he made mistakes, yes.

Has he made some stupid decisions, yeap.

Has he been thrown into the field with absolutely no training and expected to live up to the bar his grandparents set, yeap.

Will he make more mistakes in the future, absolutely.

But so has every single person on the team.  It’s part of the show and part of how they grow.

Deke grew up in a completely different environment than anyone else on the team did.  Nearly every moment was focused on survival, literal survival and not being killed over the smallest of things by another Human or a Kree, with few to watch his back.  

Had he known what had happened to Fitz, he would have stayed to help. But Jemma was the one who chose not to tell him initially because she wanted him to have a chance to have a normal life and couldn’t see too far past finding Fitz herself.  

Alone in a new world Deke quickly figured out what he needed to get ahead and be safe/secure was Money.  And very quickly figured out a way to do that.  Again, it might not have been the best way of doing it but he was trying to help people too.  He was working on solutions like making sure people didn’t go hungry.  This to me is similar to Daisy’s work the the Rising Tide.  She was outing Shield Secrets and agents from her van when they first found her.  She was doing what she thought was the right thing.

I don’t think it was fair for him to be kept in the dark once he was back with Shield about Fitz’s death, that should have been one of the first things he was told.  Nor do I think it was fair how he was forced out into the field with no training and expected to perform as a trained agent would in a high pressure situation with the person that had tried to murder him not long ago.  

As we saw last week one of his major motivations was making his grandparents, making Fitz proud.  He couldn’t wait to show off what he’d done.  Spend time with them.  And grow closer as a family.  He’s been so desperate for a family his entire life and he finally has one.  In Fitz he finally has that positive Father figure that he never had and I desperately hope is an arc they explore between the two.

Deke could have easily been drawn in by someone like a morally grey Radcliffe and used as Fitz was in Season 4.

I also don’t think this set up is an accident.  Over the seasons we have seen Fitz lose and/or get betrayed by people who got close to him.  Ward and Radcliffe stand out as some of the most brutal of betrayals because Fitz saw them as family figures.  Especially Radcliffe, he’d finally had that father figures who supported him and celebrated his mind.  He lost Coulson who was the closest thing to a positive father figure he’s had, even more he didn’t have a chance to say goodbye.

Now the dynamics have shifted and it’s Fitz’s turn to be the father figure an mentor.  And I am here for that with bells on.

With Snowflake, that are both a chaotic energy and it’s not like Shield hasn’t fallen for, worked with, or given a former baddie a second chance before.  Just last season, Daisy was telling Hale she wanted to recruit Ruby and try to help her find the right path after she’d cut off Elena’s arms and had Fitzsimmons as hostages.  

Snow is going to be a bit lost here now.  She’s lost her team that has been like her family for years in a matter of hours.  She was betrayed by her leader and Sarge seemed like her mentor and left for dead.  Even worse she is quickly going to find out Jaco’s sacrifice will have been in vain and Izel made it to earth.

I am not sure where she will ultimately fall but the fact that Deke is continuing to fight for her and cares for her will go a long way in what is to come for her.  This is very much a parallel to Fitz trusting Radcliffe in Season 4.

Deke is socially awkward because he didn’t have a normal childhood and we’ll we’ve seen his grandparents flirt.  I do think more time with Nana and Bobo and getting settled into a more normal life, well as normal as Shield gets, will have a massive impact on him as the Season’s progress.  

A little bit of comfort, reassurance, and respect goes a long ways in helping someone who is scared, overwhelmed and out of their comfort zone.  Imagine if Mack, May, and Daisy treated Deke like the team treated Skye when she first joined the team and how big of a difference that would have made right out of the gate.  

So I”m very happy for him to have some time with the thing Deke wants and honestly needs the most right now, his family.  

It’s fine to not like a character and it’s fine to disagree with me.  But please don’t sent this kind of stuff to me again because I will not hesitate to block.  It’s not going to change my mind just as I doubt this meta will change yours.  

[somberillusions]

36

Hi Guys! I recently found something that really fits this blog. Apparently there are 36 questions designed to make someone fall in love with you, so I’ll be answering them today!

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest? I would want Tom Felton as a dinner guest, I feel like we would get on well and who doesn’t want to cook dinner for a loveable little musician?

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way? I think if I ever became famous, I would want to be famous for doing something good in the world, like donating money to charity or standing on a redwood tree for three years to prevent it from being cut down, y’know? But given the choice I wouldn’t want to be famous, I value my privacy.

3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why? Oh definitely, I get really scared calling people for something important, so I always want to know what I’m going to say so I don’t mess up.

4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you? For me a perfect day would be if in the same day, I went to a BTS fansign and met my idols, and then got to spend time with my closest friends, watching my favorite movies, and eating my favorite foods. God that sounds amazing.

5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else? I last sang to myself around fifteen minutes ago, I last sung to someone else last night. I really like singing.

6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want? I would want the mind of a 30 year old because then I would have all my memories and be able to tell all my grandkids stories from my past without forgetting small details.

7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die? I don’t actually, I used to think I was gonna go by my own hands, but now I don’t care how I’ll die, and I’m not scared of it either.

8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common. Well this is hard considering so many individual people could be reading this, but based off of you reading this I would say we both like tumblr, we both find the topic of love interesting, and we like getting to know people. 

9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful? I am very grateful for my mom, she is incredibly strong of a person and I would be dead without her strength. She gives me hope of better days and not a day goes by where I don’t remind her how much I care for her.

10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be? That’s a hard question, I would have to say I wish my dad hadn’t told me stories of what he saw while he served military duty in Iraq, at least not when I was so young.

11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible. I’m timing this, I was born in a military fort in Texas, my dad was in Iraq until I was 3 and when he came back, he came with alcoholism, this essentially ruined my life, when I was five my mom and I moved to Alabama, two years later my dad said he would change so we moved with him, and surprise! He didn’t change. He went to rehab and came out, but sixth months later he relapsed and I attempted suicide from the pain. I had a lot of mental issues and still am recovering. I met my best friend who helped me through all that and I am lucky to have her in my life. I fell in love while my dad was in rehab, and three years later I still am. I currently have three friends who I care about but I don’t like talking to them online much because I prefer face to face. I now spend my weekdays watching movies with my mom and my weekends trying to protect my baby brother from witnessing my drunk dad get angry.

12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be? I would like to be fluent in Korean, it would get me more job opportunities and I would love to add bilingual to my job resume.

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know? I would want to know if I will ever fall in love and be loved back in return.

14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it? I have always dreamed of living in a van, but I haven’t because I don’t have enough money or even a driver’s license.

15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life? Recovering from Anorexia Nervosa

16. What do you value most in a friendship? Honesty, I want people to give me the real deal instead of acknowledging my feelings, I’d rather rip of the band-aid than leave it on the rot into my skin.

17. What is your most treasured memory? A Halloween party in 2017, that whole October was the most amazing days of my life, but that party changed me in so many ways.

18. What is your most terrible memory? So back in 2015 my dad drunk drove and got caught so for a year he had to have a breathalizer in our car and in order for the car to turn on you had to blow into the breathalizer for 30 seconds and wait 60 seconds for it to calibrate and the car to start. Keep that in mind. So my parents were arguing one day inside and I was outside removing nails from a plank of wood because woodwork was my coping mechanism, when my mom walks out of the house (we lived with my grandparents at the time) she grabs my arm and we run to the car and get in. My dad is walking after us with a face twisted in pure rage. My mom is trying desperately to get the breathalizer to calibrate and my dad is getting closer. At this point there are tears falling down my face. My dad sees my mom frantically trying to start the car and his face gets impossibly more enraged. He then swings his fist at the window and it cracks, but it doesn’t break. I scream. The car is finally starting and my dad screams, “I AM GOING TO KILL YOU BITCH” and goes to swing at the window again, but my mom quickly backs up. If my dad had made that punch my mom would have been dead. My dad goes to the back of the car to stop her but she keeps going until he moves. We immediately leave. I don’t remember where we went but I remember that after that my dad was kicked out of my grandparents house. We stayed but he left. While we were driving I cried so hard my voice went away. I didn’t speak for three months after that.

19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why? No, I wouldn’t. I think I am living my life as best I can right now, I act like myself and don’t hold back. I am confident, and I don’t let other people get me down, and I wouldn’t change that for the world.

20. What does friendship mean to you? Friendship means the world to me, I could live my whole life without a romantic interest if I had friends who understood me and were fun to be around.

21. What roles do love and affection play in your life? Honestly I could live without it, that’s not to say I’m opposed to love, but I have mad commitment issues and that’s something not many people want to deal with when it comes to romance, so I don’t need it to live.

22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items. I like that you listen, I like that you care enough to read this far. I like that you have enough energy in you to even keep reading this far. I like that you don’t give up even when things get unpleasant, and I like how considerate you are of other people.

23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s? I would say in my family I am only close with my mom and my cousin. I don’t think my life was happier than most people’s but it definitely could’ve been worse.

24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother? I’ve talked about her a lot in the post, but great.

25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling ... “We are both struggling in different ways” “Our emotions are valid no matter how strong they are, or how trivial they are” “Just because someone is having it worse than us, doesn’t mean we aren’t allowed to be upset”

26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share ... “My taste in movies, nowadays people only watch YouTube, and I don’t hold them against that because sometimes I do too, but I wish they would care enough to watch the movies I like.”

27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know. I have a lot of trauma like everyone else, and I try to hide that through smiling, don’t fall for it, the wider my smile is, the more I’m breaking down inside.

28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met. I am proud of you for picking up whatever device you’re reading this on, and spending this long reading a post from a complete stranger, and I really appreciate the amount of time and consideration you put into doing so.

29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life. This is really horrible of me but please keep in mind I was four at the time. I was at a Mexican Restaurant in New Mexico and I saw a Mexican person for the first time (I was an isolated child) and I pointed at them and said “Look Mommy! It’s a real Mexican person from Mexico”, I to this day am really embarrassed by this and wish I could see this person again and apologize.

30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself? I last cried in front of my mom two days ago, we were watching a sad movie. And I last cried by myself at midnight. I swear I don’t usually cry this much it’s just bad timing. 

31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already. They like asking this question a lot don’t they? I also really like how dedicated you are to making sure other people feel cared for.

32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about? Sexual Assault, in no situation is it okay to joke about people being forced into sexual acts.

33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet? I would regret never apologizing to my family for not talking to them, I haven’t done it yet because they think I am this perfect little girl and I’m scared that they won’t love me anymore when they find out I’m not.

34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why? My memory box, it’s full of all the most cherished items in my life and I wouldn’t be able to live knowing I let them burn.

35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why? My mom’s, I would cease to function if she passed away, I know it’ll happen someday but the thought terrifies me. I think I would shut down mentally.

36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen. My dad is a raging alcoholic, and I am scared to be around him on the weekends. I don’t want to pressure my mom into leaving but at the same time my mental health is deteriorating every Saturday. What would you do in my situation?

Welp, there you go! I’m honestly surprised you made it this far, thank you for caring enough to stick around. Until next time!

[badassbaker]

Private Security-Chapter 5

Warnings for this chapter: Parent death, terrorist activity.

This is our last ‘set up’ chapter. We finally get some real interaction after this...

Chapter 5

Matthias’ POV

I leaned back in my chair and stared at the amber liquid swirling in the rocks glass next to me.

I didn’t drink often, but sometimes, a night of bourbon was called for. This was one of those nights.

I fucked up.

Yes, Linnea had been reckless. Yes, she had made my job harder…momentarily. But she had reached out. And what had I done? I’d been an absolute bastard to her.

I didn’t need to let her in. She hadn’t earned that privilege...yet. But I could have at least treated her like a human being.

In the midst of her angry speech this morning, a few things she said had seeped through the cracks in my façade.

She asked what I would do if the people I loved needed me.

Little did she know, I couldn’t answer that.

I cared about the people I protected. I had deep respect and pride for my team. My Ranger unit meant the world to me. But, love? There was no one.

Rarely did I think about my childhood, but Linnea had brought old memories to the surface. 

_____________________________

December 21, 1988…the day I grew up.

I was 6 years old.  

A device was detonated on board Pan Am 103 during a routine flight from London to Michigan. 243 passengers, 16 crew members, and 11 civilians on the ground were killed that day. Two of those 243 passengers were my mother and father. We had flown to England as a family two weeks before Christmas to see my mother’s parents. I very rarely got to spend time with my grandparents; and after much begging on my part, my parents agreed to let me stay and spend the holiday in London. The condition was that grandma and grandpa would fly back to the states with me after Christmas for a long overdue stateside visit of their own.  

That visit obviously never happened.

I remember very little of the days and weeks following the crash. I remember feeling scared and confused about never getting to see my parents again; but in a way, I was one of the lucky ones. I can’t imagine having gone through a tragedy like that as a teenager or young adult. The emotional scars that I bear are not nearly as noticeable as they would be had I been a few years older.

After my parents’ death, I stayed in London with my grandparents for about a year. I understood some things that were happening, but it was hard and I was sad. I think it would have been healthier if I had more people around me, but I was an only child and really didn’t know my extended family. I was a very lonely kid. My grandparents did not handle the loss well. I now know that the media circus surrounding the bombing had a lot to do with that; but looking back, I appreciate that they did the best they could. They were older and couldn’t care for a young child long-term. Plus, the grief of losing my mother destroyed them. After a year, all I wanted was to return to the states. I wanted to be back at school, back near my friends, around things that I knew.

I returned to the US and entered the foster system. I was lucky enough to spend time with great families, but I never felt as if I had a “home”. I guess that’s why I was so eager to enlist in the military as soon as I was able. The guys in my unit were my family. They’re still my family. I would do anything for them and I knew they would do the same. Is that love? Maybe. It’s certainly the closest thing I can equate to that emotion.

Joining the military was an escape, an attempt to find a purpose for myself in the world. I didn’t actually need a job. Once Libya accepted responsibility for the terrorist attack, compensation was offered to the families. I learned at 15 that I would get millions of dollars for the death of my family. Blood money. To this day, I’ve never touched it.

Being a protection specialist suits me. I’m damn good at my job. I guess wanting to keep people safe comes naturally after what I went through as a kid. There were no survivors on Flight 103. There was nothing I could have done. I guess that’s why I try now to do as much as I can. Having experienced so much loss, both of my family and during my years in service, keeping people safe matters to me.

But it never goes beyond the job. I don’t get personally involved. There are studies out there that talk about foster homes disrupting “attachment relationships”. I guess I’m a prime example of that. The whole ‘don’t let people get too close because you might lose them’ scenario.

Staying distant has been easy. I’ve never wanted to get close to any of the people I’ve worked for. Until now.

When Linnea was yelling at me this morning, yes, I had felt annoyed and honestly guilty about how upset I’d made her…but there was something else. Those brown eyes lit up with fire when she was angry. And for lack of a better word, she was sexy as hell.

I keep trying to remind myself that she’s a kid. Ok, not a kid, but being the daughter of my employer, it’s hard to think of her as an adult. I’m 10 years her senior, but this girl is not your typical 24-year-old. She has seen the world, the good and the bad. Just like me, she lost family at an early age, but she hasn’t let it dictate the direction of her life. Truth be told, I’ve been intrigued since the day I was handed her file. She’s smart. She’s strong. She knows what she wants. And fuck it; it is immensely appealing to me.

There have been women over the years, of course. But none of them have ever held any kind of place in my heart. Not that I use them. I would never. Women are beautiful, alluring creatures and I craved them as much as any other heterosexual male out there. Any lady I ever chose to spend time with, had my respect; and I tried my damndest to make her feel good. By all reports, I did a pretty great job in that area. But there hasn’t been anyone in a while. The last time I was with a woman was before I started this assignment, so…almost a year ago.

Keeping myself constantly busy made the lack of action tolerable, so I really hadn’t thought much about contact with a woman; until I’d literally tackled one to the ground last night, that is.

  Yes, I’m attracted to her. But it’s not just that. There’s a possessive feeling that has bloomed in my chest. I don’t want anyone else protecting her. I want to be the one to keep her safe.

I need to make this right. I have to apologize.

What I don’t know right now is how much damage was done by turning her away this morning. Does she hate me now? Has she already talked to her dad about what a dick I was? If so, has he already called the Secret Service offices to have me replaced?

Ugh…this is impossible. I should turn in for the night, but I’m not sure yet if I need more bourbon or if I’m already past the point where I should have stopped. Maybe I should just…

*Ding*

It’s a text alert from one of my guys about tomorrow’s schedule. 

Linnea and her dad have planned to take advantage of a rare day off for him and are going hiking at the nature preserve.

More importantly, they need me ready to go by 10 AM.

Ok...so…not fired. This is good.

It’s time to show her that I’m not some heartless asshole with a gun and an earpiece. To do this, I’ll need to let her in.

Shit. Opening up? Being a ‘good guy’?

Definitely the most dangerous job I’ve ever signed up for…

___________________

@virgosapphire79, @thihaf, @dauntlessmetalmom, @iammarylastar, @son-of-a-bbitch, @lostinvoyage, @vaisabu, @thehound-and-thebird, @dean-67-impala, @bookwarm85, @alexandrajackson93, @darebearxo, @mimigemrose, @ashtotes, @soldatbarnes, @anditcametopass, @hows-my-hair, @nickysurfer28, @queensoybean, @emmysrandomthoughts, @dream-on-dina, @scissor-win-ski, @to-hold-me-and-to-hide-me, @misshyen, @inkinterrupted, @james-k-delaney, @synnocence, @niktwosixteen, @feminamortem, @b-j-d, @pathybo, @adudewritingpoetry, @danleto97, @angelswannawearmyredshooz

[pennyneale]

I can’t think of title to express how I feel about this post.

 I just remembered where my love for poetry and my flair for art most likely comes from and now I feel slightly sick and need a place to gather my thoughts, even though none of this is news to me. This blog is that place.

 Let’s set the scene. I’m feeling motivated to write, so I write a journal entry before deciding I might move over to a blog post, and as soon as I open up my blog, I feel the urge to be poetic, so I open back up a new notebook (one of a gorgeous, growing collection) to jot down some thoughts and ideas. As I’m doing this, I absent-mindedly wonder if the site of a poet who goes by TheBogfather still exists. Just out of curiosity.

 Now, for the most part, having a dig around for my estranged father online doesn’t bother me because I have no desire to have any sort of emotional connection with him any more. But in this moment, as I discover a thriving online catalogue of his new writings, I realise how in-tune our linguistic styles and understandings are. This bothers me, and I can’t entirely express how. I feel unsettled. I hate the fact that I get two of the interests I love the most from someone I love the least. I know a lot of who an individual is, who they grow up to be, isn’t shaped by their upbringing. But a lot of the time when you grow up with someone you don’t realise the similarities, and it is only when an outsider points them out that you do. So when you don’t grow up with someone, it makes it easier to see the otherwise unexplainable similarities for yourself. 

 I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with this feeling, but I don’t like it and I hope I forget about it fast.

 For readers who happen not to know of the history of the man who put me here, I’ll give a brief *edit: not brief* but very personal rundown. Prepare for story time, kids.

 When I was 2 years old, my parents got divorced because my mum discovered that my dad had been cheating on her (with the woman he now lives with, but I know for a fact he has also cheated on since). But that wasn’t all she discovered. Alongside hiding this secret, he had taken out a second mortgage and numerous credit cards in my mum’s name, by forging her signature, and racked up a tidy debt of around £24k; we still have no idea what he spent it on. Now, most of my life, until he left it for good, I was protected from knowing any of this so that I didn’t have to share the incomparable stress my mum experienced for years after. After being turned away by the police, who essentially told her there was nothing they could do, my mum somehow managed to fight to keep the house, and between herself and my grandparents, paid back every single penny of the debt.

 Oh, and the fucker had the audacity to empty my mum’s purse when he left.

 Now, as I didn’t know any of this throughout my childhood, my parents eventually decided that it was important for me to still have my dad in my life, so he had custody of me for half the day every Saturday (which in itself was a pointless experience, as for the most part I would sit in one room entertaining myself whilst he would sit chain-smoking and listening to the cricket on his radio in the next). It was also agreed that he would pay, by hand, a certain amount of child support to my mum each month. 

 This was all well and good until when I was around 12, and the child support payments stopped coming, building up for months on end. It all came to a head when one Saturday, my dad came to the door to take me to his house where we’d sit in our separate rooms all day, and my mum asked for the money. A heated debate ensued, resulting in him walking off without taking me. That was the last time I saw or heard from him.

 Ever since that day my parents have been backwards and forwards through tedious court trails to try and chase the money and catch up the payments. Which, since my dad’s redundancy (and his reluctance to actually show up to court) is near-on impossible. A warrant for his arrest was actually going to be issued a few weeks back if he didn’t show up to court again; surprise, he did. To help the matter further, with my ass of a stepdad now living with me and my mum (a separate rant entirely), our household income is too high for us to claim working tax credits any more. Which means my mum literally cannot afford to live unless my stepdad gives her money every month. So, in short, our household has every reason to hate the man who created me, and my skin has every reason to crawl when I think of the two of us being similar or linked in any way.

 Well, I didn’t promise this post was going to be a positive one.

[simmerofsarcasm]

Sorry for my Absence

I got really lazy for a while, but hopefully I’m back now XD Like previously, this page is going to be dedicated to my builds and legacies, with the occasional modder showcase. Check back in later for a few pictures.

Here’s what I’ve been up simming-wise:

-My main legacy family’s oldest 3rd generation is days away from becoming a YA. It all started with a widowed lawyer and his daughter, Sylvia, who aspired to be just like the man who had raised her. After a life-long friendship, it was no surprise to any of the parents when her and Orange Bailey-Moon fell in love as teenagers. To congratulate them on their acceptance to U of B, their parents pooled together their money and purchased/renovated the Darkwing House for them. They got married almost immediately and never looked back. Being the daughter of an alum, Sylvia had already heard rumours of a secret society, and she was determined to join. And how could they not accept the daughter of a powerful lawyer? All was going perfect in their lives, but Sylvia and Orange kept feeling the pressures of entertaining the sprites that followed her nearly everywhere. In a passionate, sprite-pressured woohoo, they had forgotten protection. Sylvia immediately threw up in the toilet and knew the sprites had planned this; she was pregnant with their first child. Upon inviting the future grandparents over to share the news, Sylvia and Orange were surprised to find Octavia had some news to share, too, and they spent the rest of the night enthusing about their all-too-close due dates and how their daughters would be the best of friends. Soon, Sienna was born, and she was the light of their lives. Once they got their schedules to settle down a bit, it didn’t take them long to decide they wanted another. They waited for the sprites to return, hoping they would bring them fertile luck once again, and the sprites answered their wishes like a genie. Vanessa and Soren were born shortly after, lives becoming that much more hectic. Sylvia’s father was so pleased, so happy, that his family was growing positively. He knew all would be well. After meeting his newest grandchildren, he knew it was time to let go. Sylvia was devastated for days at the loss of her father, but Orange was her soulmate and knew all the right things to say and do to comfort her. However, this did strike up a conversation between them: Orange’s parents were getting older as well, and his sister Johanna was but a toddler. What would happen to her? So as time went by, they kept a close watch on Orange’s parents, continuing to raise their lot of crotch goblins while maintaining Honor Student status. They celebrated their graduation with the discussion of, “Just one more?” And so Tate was born, rounding off their lives with the addition of their youngest child. It wasn’t too long after that the family lost Thorne, and knowing Octavia’s time would come soon, they adopted Johanna to prevent her from going into the system. At the current point in time, Sienna, Johanna, Vanessa, and Soren are all teenagers, but Tate isn’t far behind. Sienna dreams of being a world-famous actress and finding a life-long love like her parents, though her heart’s about to be broken by her childhood crush and high school sweetheart. Johanna found comfort after losing her parents over the stove, and has every intention of opening her own gourmet restaurant. She recently started dating Dirk Dreamer’s son, Raul, though she’s been noticing lately the way him and Vanessa act when they think she doesn’t see. Why are two relaxing in the sauna together while feeling flirty? Vanessa and Soren, despite being bestie twins, each want to follow vastly different life paths. Vanessa spends all of free time, occasionally even skipping homework, to plunk around on her piano (at least when she isn’t flirting with Raul behind Johanna’s back), but Soren goes above and beyond in school, constantly doing extra credit projects, but fears what his parents may say when he tells them he would rather go Foxbury instead of the family alum school, from which their whole house in covered in memorabilia of. He’s also recently been spending a suspicious amount of time with a newly made-over Lilith Vatore... Tate spent a large chunk of his childhood in Selvadora, exploring the jungle with his father, and dreams of being back there more than anything. They all still live in the Darkwing house, which Sylvia and Orange have made many addition and renovations to, including a new bedroom on the second floor for Tate, and whole new third floor which houses their master suite and his and her’s showers, along with a new basement housing their bar and wine cellar, a home gym and sauna, and Vanessa’s piano.

-Updating my old tiny home builds so they’re actual tiny home lots

-Working on a giant mansion in Oasis Springs where the old Landgraab Manor stood, which includes a nice waterfall, highly detailed pool, giant gaming rec room, multiple sitting/living rooms, a kitchen that’s quite frankly almost the size of my entire apartment irl, a conservatory hallway packed full of plants, and even a veterinary medicine area for one of the sims who lives there. The bulk is pretty much done, but there’s still a lot of small clutter details to do on it.

-A spellcaster sim based off an apple. The idea came from talking to a friend about how the Potion of Plentiful Needs basically breaks the game without cheats. So now I have a sim who is basically the embodiment of an apple that was turned into a human. She lives in a tiny home that only has basic furniture like a bookshelf and coffee table and couch. Why only these things? Because she has 86 apple trees in her backyard. Her whole life is: 1) take care of apple trees, 2) harvest apple trees, 3) make a ton of Potions of Plentiful Needs, 4) drink Potions of Plentiful Needs. It’s honestly adorable. She dummy thicc. Sometimes Morgyn Ember comes over and hangs out with her.

[lemonicing]

I’m so scared right now

For no good reason, but my heart feels cold and my body and breath are shivering. I feel myself dropping off. It’s in my legs and in my hands and in my head—and I’m trying to stop it. But the fuzziness is coming for me. I can feel it. I don’t want to go away, I want to stay here, but all I can think about is how scared I am.

I just feel like a scared little girl, like I never picked myself up and moved past that. And I tell myself my history isn’t that bad because to call it bad seems a hyperbole. It was okay. I lived. So many people have had it worse. I wasn’t kicked or punched or raped, but I feel like I was anyways and I don’t understand it. I shouldn’t be this fucked up—so I think I’m just weak and defective and not cut out for living in the world. Like I said earlier, I have trouble holding down jobs and functioning as a part of society. I feel deficient in some way. And, yeah, I know I’m not. Realistically, I’m very smart and keen and beautiful but it doesn’t matter much when I could cry almost all the time.

I’m just scared: scared of people, scared of places, scared of situations and hypotheticals. I think this is normal—everyone has some level of anxiety—but for me it’s not anxiety. Anxiety is such a weak word to describe it. I feel sick, broken, like my stomach shattered the glass of a six story building to jump out the window.

It makes me feel incomplete, you know? Incomplete. Lacking. Whatever the word is. I try to fill that void with hugs and kisses and sex and cute animals, but it never goes away. I feel lonely, abandoned, and like no one will protect me. I know this is wrong, like, literally wrong, but I’m still that little kid on the inside who never had the chance to grow up.

And part of me knows my childhood sucked more than most, even if I wasn’t physically or sexually abused. It felt like I was though. Things were so loud and vile, and older men were so weird to me. I remember being 14 and getting catcalled at Subway. I remember being 16 and being asked my age by men old enough to be my father. They wanted to fuck me but didn’t want to risk statutory rape. I wore a bikini for the first time that day in public and got called a Victoria Secrets model by my mother’s friend. Then when I turned 18, I got asked to be a sugar baby on a plane trip to see my grandparents, the week after high school graduation. The conversation was literally prefaced with, “How old are you?” And I was too scared to not be friendly. So I sat there for 2 hours and listened to this man talk about how business was booming and that he could give me a job. Examples of the job were given: he told me about one of his mistresses, how she lived off his paycheck and always wanted more. (She was so ungrateful.) I just nodded and giggled and sat there like a confused idiot. It’s shocking to me now that no one around me told him to shut the fuck up and to stop preying on a little girl. The man on my other side was angry, I could tell, but he didn’t say anything. No one did.

But to be honest, I didn’t have a great start in life. My parents got married because my mom was pregnant. My parents got divorced because my dad did coke too much and beat up on my mom. My first memory is me going to the bathroom and her rushing in, slamming the door. I could hear my dad yelling, I think, but I wasn’t scared. This was normal, I guess.

Then there were the years when my mom and I were alone, living in a house that wasn’t ours, and pretending to be happy. Those were the best years of my childhood, and I cried when we moved so much. For some reason I was anorexic during this time, as a fucking 13 year old. There was a girl named Michelle in my class who was so pretty and perfect, and I wanted to be her, so I starved myself and exercised excessively. Then I binged one night, stuffing my face with molding bread, and things never were quite the same.

If I look back, I think I was trying to subconsciously exert some control over my situation. My mom got a boyfriend, Micheal, and we were going to move to Colorado. I was leaving the closest thing to a childhood home I had. But at least I’d have a dad. I was so excited for that, and I know my mom saw my heart break when I realized Micheal didn’t love me. Or maybe he did in his own way, but his own childhood left him robbed of any idea how to express it. The closest I came was one New Years when I was laying in bed. He broke in the room and hugged me tight and told me he was sorry and that he loved me. He wouldn’t let me go for a long time. My mom had to pull him off me. He reeked of beer sweat. His breath was straight Tuaca.

I lived in that house for four years, listening to myself be called a little piggy and a lazy shit, listening to my mom and him fight. Those were the worst parts, I think. I don’t remember him hurting me, but he hurt my mom. He’d hit her and smash our phones. He pulled the rifle out of its case a couple of times, saying shit about how he was going to kill us. There were multiple times I almost called the police, but I was too scared to. That’s my biggest regret in life: not calling the cops. He would drive drunk, too, and got into arguments with my mom while driving around treacherous mountain roads. I felt so many times like we were going to fall off the edge and die. But the worst was when I heard them fucking one night. That was awful. I felt betrayed. I felt like my mom didn’t care.

Then there was Greg, who extorted money out of my family and put my mom and I through another three or four years of hell. He loved me though, and praised me openly. His favorite thing to do was take me to school. He wasn’t perfect, but he tried. Meth, however, is a powerful thing. He called me a whore. He yelled so much. I don’t think I need to explain it a lot.

So I never had a man in my life who both loved me and loved me enough not to abuse my trust. My best friend was my cat because I could cry on her fur at night, and she’d purr. (Nights were the worst because that’s when alcohol and drugs were okay.) I miss my cat. I do. I want to believe she’s watching over me from kitty cat heaven. It’s sad that pets don’t last a lifetime, that you’ve got to say goodbye so soon. She made me so happy and was more of a mother to me than my actual mom was in some ways. She protected me from Micheal. She laid at the foot of my bed every night. I told her my secrets. She was a very good cat.