#i think its just. sngry about things

[steampoweredskeleton]

.

Ignore

[pupuseriazag]

tw: venting about unlove:

Four months have passed after that "man" broke my heart. Treated my like he was interested, talkrd daily with him, he was there for me in some low moments (during which I would cry because I didnt felt enough for him or anybody), flirted and showed me signs he wanted me

Only for him to suddenly start being less and less caring with me, stopped giving me all those words and spent less time with me.

And I, in a stupid moment of weakness... Confessef my feelings for him

Wanna know something funny? He didnt reply in the moment. I talked to his friend and he listened to me talk how much I appreciated and loved him... How much I was willing to do for him. And he agreed we would've be nice together... That he was rooting for us and he was glad he had found someone so "nice" and "caring" as me.

He talked to him... 3 hours later he gives me the bad news... He is mad and sngry at his best friend for using my heart and not actually wanting to b with me... but still leading me on to believing we had a chance.

I was broken again, man. How. Many. Fucking. Times. Has. It. Been.

Time and time again I end up likr a fool.

And then he texted me. He was sorry for making me go thru that... After I had told him I was on the verge of stress for no one wanting to put the effort or wanting to fight for me.

He said that for weeks he did felt love for me... But realized he did not wanted to actually make the effort.

Thats when it happened. Thats when I got confirmation that no one would fight to be with me. Thats when I got confirmation that Im not enough for anybody... That theres something in me that people are easy to let me go.

Why am I not interestinf enough to keep them around? Why am I not pretty or handsome enough to keep someone? Why am I not... Anything actually special...

I was going everything alright... I've never hurt anybody and yet Im always the one hurt

My heart realized that night... That no one will ever truly love me like I love them...No matter how hard I search. No one will come to my life like I daydreamed when I was a little child. No one will work hard to be with me, no one will. No one will make sure I understand I am so....So very loved by them. No one will rver treat me right... And for some reason I dont deserve it.

But I know I do dederve it. I do deserve all those nicr things... But why does it never come? Why am I always thrown back to the ground amd forgotten?

I dont want to turn into the "I CAN love myself 😤😤" because I dont love myself. Being me has never made anybody feel like they want to fight for me... Not even myself.

And you knoe what I hate? I fucking despise the "Oh calm down! :) God will give you a nice MAN soon! Its all God's plan and God's timing is perfrct 😌"

I DONT WANT TO KEEP FUCKING WAITING. I'VE BEEN WAITING ALL MY STUPID LIFE TO HAVE SOMEONE LOVE ME DEEPLY AND NO ONE TO THIS DAY HAS EVER DONE SO. WHY DOES GOD WANT ME TO GO THRU THIS?! JUST SO I CAN """VALUE""" THE ACTUAL ""CORRECT"" PERSON?! I ALREADY FUCKING DO THAT WITH EVERYONE.

ITS FUCKING UNFAIR FOR ME TO ALWAYS HAVE BEEN EITHER A FUCKING EASY TO LET GO PERSON AND NEVER HAD ANYBODY SHOE ME THE ACTUAL LEVEL OF LOVE I NEED AND DESERVE I FUCKING HATE IT I HATE IT A LOT

I DONT DESERVE ALL OF THESE HEARTBREAKS

I DONT DESERVE ANYTHING THAT HAPPENED TO ME

SO IF GOD HAS ANYTHING IN PLAN FOR ME IS PROBABLY JUST TO FUCKING LAUGH ST MY FACE FOR EVERYTIME I BELIEVE I FOUND THE CORRECT PERSON.

WHY CANT I HAVE LOVE NOW???? WHY CANT I FEEL LOVED NOW??? WHY DO I NEED TO KEEP WAITING AND FALLING AND FALLING IN NEW TRAPS SO CALLED LESSONS?!?!

ITS ALL BULLSHIT TO ME

I just... I dont want more people... I think I deserve love... But it always feels like god and the universe dont think I do...

So guess what? You won. Enjoy seeing how from time to time I cry again to sleep becquse of how unloved I feel. But I wont try it again. I wont open my heart to anybody in that way again.

Enjoy watching how I have to write fanfics and hyperfocus on those becquse I want to feel some type of love nesr me... And at least my mind is good and crrating those peope that do care for me

[fleastinger]

It doesn't make me sngry when you fall asleep on the phone. It mskes me sngry to see you force yourself awake during a serious conversation instead of admitting how tiref you were because youre scared of me getting mad at you . You miss things when youre asleep, you'll repeat questions, and tbh, its not a genuine conversation I could trust.

I want you to work on this, and listen to your body when you're tired. We can always talk another day or in person, its not the end of the world if we cant finish a convo because you're sleepy.

It doesnt get me angry when you try to talk, or when youre baked and talk over me. It gets me angry when you interrupt me while im speaking or talk over me. I csnt trust sometimes if youre taking me seriously or not, if youre reslly present while youre high. I know I interrupt you too, and I want to work on that as well. But I want you to work on this, and look into why you feel like you have your best convos while stoned.

It doesnt make me angry if youre double checking that I cant come over. It does make me sngry when you ignore my first reply in tje hopes that I'll take it back, making me more and more indecisive, or insist that i am making a bigger deal about not wanting to come over than necessary. I need to work on being firm, actively enforcing my boundaries (making my no reslly mean it snd not saying yes because i feel bad), but you need to work on that too.

It doesnt make me mad when you offer me money or to buy things for me. It doesnt make me mad when you offer out of the sake of trying to help me. It makes me mad when you insist on giving me money that i dont want, or paying for things for me, when you can save your money for a car, for transportation, for copays and literally anything that can help you in your situation. I have a job. You dont. I don't need to rely on your money and you shouldnt be freely offering it to me when you need it more than me. It makes me mad to think about how often youre using your money for more vapes and dutches than your own self.

It doesnt make me mad when you talk aboug your sleep issues, and im sorry for throwing it in your face in an arguement. It makes me mad when you say you cant help it or predict it, when they are things that can easily be predicted. It makes me mad to see you continue to say youre working on it when you dont look up anything to help yourself, you dont try to change your lifestyle, you just dont do anything.

It doesnt make me mad when you hsve a hard time talking to me about how you feel. And im sorry that i made you feel scared to open up to me. But it makes me mad when you have clear depressive and anxious feelings, and refuse to look into it or get help.

You finally made an appointment with a PCP for your hand and you say youre gonna follow up for sleep. But it feels like its only because i made it such an issue this weekend. And who knows if youll look into therapy. But i want you to. I wish you do.

I know what I did didnt help. I freaked out on you the night of your birthday, a day that ive dumped you before on. Theres no excuse for making you start 24 in fear of losing me again. But this also showed me how frustrated ive been, how much this was built up, how little faith i have in us working out our differences without serious work. This showed me that even if you might feel different , we arent. If we dont try to help ourselves, we'll still have the same trend of me picking up the pieces of everything and excusing your behavior because you know how to make me feel bad, like its my fault thar i left, when you did what you did to me. Itll still jave the trend of you being on eggshells sround me because you dont know if im going to be super helpful or super bitchy, if im going to yell or be calm.

Its just......you and I need to work on ourselves. I like you so much, I know I can feel the beginning of love with you again. But that love isnt logical, it ignores the fact that you and i both hurt each other in tje past, it procrastinates on the fact that you and i need serious help before we could confidently say we can be a healthy relationship.

You need IOP, a PCP to follow up on your health, a job to buy a car, a car to get out of your house, a better and more fufilling lifestyle. More importantly, you need to want that and take the steps to do that instead of wasting away for months at a time, waiting for someone else to help. I have to stop offering to help when i know i cant, or i know that ill feel like im enabling you. I need to see that you are trying, whether its slowly or drastically. And this is a good first step but it doesnt feel quite real.

I need to work on myself, getting my bills paid, continue to work on managing my expenses without spending all of it on you and us and buying food and weed. I need to not use you to ignore my own issues.

But you also need to get yourself together. You cant live a happy and fufilled life without attempting things that make you scared. You cant help yourself by denying things that you havent tried before or tried and failed at.

And just....we're not married. We dont have kids together. We arent even officially together. Youre right that i act like your girlfriend , and i get why you want uscto be official. But i dont know if i want this , i need to see that you can and will try to help yourself, that you genuinely want to be a better you and not just say that to keep me wrapped around your fingers.

And tbh....my therapist was right. If youre not okay with me not being sure where im st with you at this moment, then can we reasonably say we could be stronger in the future without taking a step back to help ourselves?