fleastinger

[fleastinger]

Sometimes it feels like you've lived your whole life in a house that's always a little bit on fire. Like it's usually just in one room and you make sure to wet the walls around it so it doesn't spread and that usually works. You were expected to take more responsibility over fire containment when you were like seven because it's not like you can expect your parents to always be 100% on guard about making sure the whole house doesn't catch fire, and you figure that's just how things are like.

And sometimes as a kid you visit your friends' homes and some of then whisper to you - grimacing with embarrassment - about how they're not supposed to tell anyone this, but there's a whole room in their house that's currently on fire. And you're like yeah it's ok I'm not supposed to tell people about the way our house is a little bit on fire all the time, too. And then you visit some other friend's house and there's no trace of fire anywhere, and you think "wow, these people are really good at hiding their house fire."

And one day you show up to work like "hey sorry I'm late, I forgot to wet the walls before going to bed last night and my whole house burned down", and you're startled by the way people react, acting like that must be the worst thing that has ever happened to you. And you're just like "chill, it's been years since the last time this happened, and it wasn't even that bad this time", and that just makes people more shocked, acting like that's the weirdest and most concerning thing they've ever heard anyone say, which only confuses you more.

And then someone tries to explain to you that people aren't supposed to have an ongoing house fire. Most people actually never experience a house fire in their lives. Like not even once. Not even a little bit. The normal amount of having your house be currently on fire is zero.

[fleastinger]

learning that addiction is a progressive narrowing of the range of things that make one happy was kinda life changing for me. i apply it to everything not even just addiction i am always checking to ask if i am narrowing my range of happiness or widening it

[fleastinger]

Why am i doing this to you

Why am i doing this to myself

And even if im honest, even if ive been running around, i think im hurting you even with my honesty. I think it makes sense for you to stay cautious around me.

I wish we didnt live together. I really do . I wish i could be brave and kiss you the way i wanted to, taste you the way i hoped to, etc.

And youre so nice to me despite it all. You say you usually hold it down until it keeps popping up in your mind on why you are bothered, and that pain came out when you told me that you didnt care who i fucked, as long as it was not your friend.

I really respect that. As ashamed as i feel about that, it made me want you more.

But im so conflicted. I could easily date this guy that my friend set me up with. He's cute, funny, has the same interests, and lives down the road from us. He's small, and his nerves made it much harder for him to get comfortable, but he was so attentive and held me all night to bed. I felt so....safe and loved in his arms, even at the first go. And i felt like i could see myself having a connection with him not all dissimilar to you.

But it sucks that its not you. It sucks that i can be honest with you, and register why i am nervous. I can be clear to you even if im fesrful of hurting you. I hope you feel rhat way with me. I hope you feel that my mind is still fiending for you, even despite my inability to control myself and my hormones. I feel like a horrible cheater, regardless of what ive done. And i think i am going to cry when i tell you that everyone is saying no to us dating.

I dont know how you'll feel about that. Im not sure if we should just do one good night and call it a day or end it all togetjer. Im really. Really not sure.

But as you said people will come and go but we'll be cooking dinners together. And you'll come home and ill give you head scratches. And we're creatures of habit for now, including having coffee in rhe morning.

Maybe. I can't help but think about how you asked where i slept first. Then you asked me how the experience was. It was how i said it was, and we bonded over having those moments of closeness, of wanting to have more than the initial hook up in order to speak to one another.

You told me the girl you used to mess with fucked another person at the gamestore before you, that you didnt feel bad about it at all. But i wonder if i made you feel bad. I selfishly want your attention, despite trying to escape it.

[fleastinger]

Im so stuck over the two me's in my mind.

Scratch that, im so horny.

I told your friend that it didnt matter that i wanted to feel his dick, and he highlightef that. He spoke to me like a JOI video, all smooth and crass. He didnt expect me to say the things that I said, though, and I felt very bold then.

But i knew that's because of the itch. I feel bad. I think i sort of used him, that night. He didn't even cum. He just wanted me to do my thing and thats it.

I hope you can come. I love a quickshot. I love feeling like I could bring you to completion, that my pussy is too irresistible for you to hold back.

I want to feel your fingers, as good as you made them sound to be. I think about that often. I dream of making you hear how wet i am, feel how soft my lips are and grip my thighs as hard as you'd like.

I need to get a dildo. Something to minic a dick, that way i could stop imagining what ither pe o ple feel like.

I want to hook up safely. I am taunted by the fact that your friend is hsving a hsrd time not liking me, being so bold as to say that he didnt care if i fucked both of you in the same week, so long as i still wanted him. And he was so raw. He immediately studied me, like he was trying to find the right combo to make me cum.

[fleastinger]

Else Fitzgerald, from "Everything Feels Like the End of The World," publ. in 2022

[fleastinger]

feeling homesick for a version of life that doesn’t exist anymore

[fleastinger]

Im sorry that im so mad at you about it still. I cant help but be petty. I cant help but affirm to you directly that you hurt me.

I was in love with you. I was finally comfortable enough to be with someone, to want a future with them and hope for the best.

Now i dont know what i want in my own life. Now i dont know how loyal i want to be , or even if loyalty means shit to you in things like having sex with other people.

[fleastinger]

they won't tell you this in therapy but sometimes the best way to stop catastrophizing/anxiety is to interrupt your spiraling with "girl what the hell are you talking about"

[fleastinger]

Sometimes you need to read something twice to get it. You might need to watch a movie three times to understand it. You might have to have that album on repeat for a week until the lyrics make any sense. You're allowed to engage with it and can keep engaging with it until it means something to you. People will see a painting at a museum and laugh about not getting what the big deal is but like you can come back, you can see it at another time, and maybe that next time it'll be different for you. I'm of the belief the "media literacy crisis" would solve itself if more people just sat down and did it again. Watched, read, played, listened, etc like I don't think people are getting more ignorant necessarily I just think we're not glorifying personally replaying things nearly as much as we should be.

[fleastinger]

I think my period is starting. Either that or my legs hurt so bad from walking sll over milford today. Still i stay up and ponder swsy st how tje night went.

You had a panic attack, and i felt like i was being so crazy for ever thinking about burdening you with confronting you about how you felt sbout me. You were in such a rough spot. I held you for a while, to the point that you cried, and felt you hold me nicely. We were cooking and the food ended up being ready.

Once you ate, and calmed down, and centered yourself, you changed your lights in your room and really got comfortable and thats when i think you felt that you needed to say something.

You like me back and told me first. You held my hand and rubbed against it, like it was precious and like you were scared of shattering to pieces. You told me that you liked me snd that you were a mess and scsred of fucking things up in the house by liking me and just appreciating getting to know me and i felt myself immediately lose composure snd cave, immediately .

You told me that i was your community. And so was everyone else and spice, but rthat it meant alot to have time with someone who helped you help yourself while you help them help themselves. Someone that was honest with him. That can be vulnerable with him.

I admitted to liking you back. I told you that i was still reeling out of a relationship that i told my therapist 6 months at least, that i didnt know him and therefore didnt wsnt to be in limerence , that i was still unlearning behaviors that were hsrming me with them.

I hate that im viewing you like this, so vicerally. So soon. So soon after being so mad about my ex. The fog has not faded yet in my mind. The anger was still there recently - cant you see it in the music i listen to?

But not really. The music i listen to goes from ex shit to sexual reggeaton.

I felt so conflicted for weeks, honestly since day one, since the first meet up. I keep reminding myself that i dont know you, that i am a proximity crush and am a walking disaster of never ending relationships. On top of that, a cute boy who looks slightly scared and goofy and smart about things but passionate and genuine comes around and i have to remind myself not to be weird sbout a man trying to find himself and moving out to not stagnate.

But you said you liked how things were now and werent looking to chsnge that. We agreed on the mutual feeling and clarifying thst. We hugged, and joked about how the other person felt about hugging the other, and you held me a bit tighter after i joked about being a nice person to hold. I felt your hug on my back after, and watched you watch me look swsy.

And we agreed on morning coffee again .

I hsvent been so nervous before, so much in new terroritory. I wsnt so badly to have my cake and eat it, to explore that emotion and date you and fuck you snd live here. But its not so simple.

[fleastinger]

Get The Look: Mathilda Lando

The blueprint for every grunge coquette, mathilda lando’s limited but iconic wardrobe is easy to emulate without breaking the bank and it’s likely you already have the pieces in your closet

Hair: If you already have short hair or want short hair look no further than mathilda’s boyish bob. it’s simple, low maintenance and lets face it flattering on everyone. if you don’t have straight hair don’t worry! having short coily hair works well with this look too. you can also have braids, locs, etc in this style or even try out wigs if you wanna give it a test run

Makeup: As a character, mathilda doesn’t wear any makeup outside of the dressup scene which makes this perfect for people who simply dont want to wear makeup or for those who are struggling to learn/find a look they like. On set, they most likely used “movie makeup” like blush for scenes where shes obviously exerted, (tinted)chapstick or mascara to make her look vibrant on the camera. Regardless you can do any sort of smudgy, brown/black eyeliner, blush and any lip you like. just look to authentic 90s grunge makeup

Accessories: Mathilda iconically wears a kufi, a hat normally seen of african men, which ads to her androgynous style. given that she lives in new york, its likely she picked it up at an african ran store (if you live in a major diverse city these are super easy to pick up and if ur gonna buy these, support the actual communities instead of buying from amazon). however you can replace these with a simple beanie or another crochet hat. her round, rimless glasses are also an indicator of her more rebellious, alternative style. lastly any sort of velvet pendant choker works great for this look

Clothing: while mathilda’s color palette is rather muted, her style is still very eclectic. she wears lots of patterns like striped crop tops, patchwork shorts and comic book print leggings. the flare of her wardrobe is in the details. instead of a simple army jacket/corduroy jacket its oversized, we layers frequently with a crochet cardigan and slouchy socks over her leggings and one of her tops is black but laces up in the front. look to army surplus stores, garage sales, thrift stores or even friends/family for pieces. you may even have these items laying around! for shoes, any kind of sneakers or boots works well. if you’re someone who doesnt like patterned shirts, look for graphic tees from old tv shows or weird slogans. and if you live in a colder climate/want to cover your legs throw in some sheer tights or even just throw on some cool patterned jeans! you can also always substitute with plaid skirts or plain dark color tops. you can switch out crop tops for full coverage tops and don’t be afraid to look for long sleeves

(Bonus) Perfume: mathilda was a smoker at the tender age of 12 and given that we see her eating candy to cover the smell on her breath its not unlikely she wore something to try and cover it on her clothes and skin. given that shes a young new yorker in the 90s wearing a kufi of all things i assume she probably bought (or stole) cheap patchouli oil from the same store she got the hat. for an elevated version, look for CK Obsession a classic 90s fragrance thats a bit androgynous and a cool girl staple. for a more updated perfume look for Reminiscence Patchouli

[fleastinger]

Oh i get it now. I'm going crazy

[fleastinger]

idk thinking about how sometimes you have to show up for people you aren't that close to, because sometimes you're just the person who's there. sometimes you invite a new friend to a party and end up having to sit with them through a panic attack. sometimes you run into an acquaintance on their worst day and they need to talk about what happened. sometimes someone is crying in a stairwell and you're the only one around to ask if they're okay. and none of this is "trauma dumping" or whatever the fuck it's just being there for people because you're the one in the room with them.

[fleastinger]

You can spend the rest of your life with me, but I can’t spend the rest of mine with you. I have to live on. Alone. That’s the curse of the Time Lords.

[fleastinger]

I needed to know that he loved me...for just being me.

[fleastinger]

The dust settled into anger now. Anger and sadness. Resignation.

I dont think i could ever make you feel secure in my love for you. And i think that i tried my best to show how i was struggling, but you never understood that.

I changed because i got comfortable showing you my ugly parts. My probable addiction to weed (like your reliance on alcohol), my adhd (that probably drove you crazy ,that made you feel like I wouldn't prioritize you when i struggled to do the most basic shit like pay my bills on time. I talked to you everyday. I got upset that i felt pressured by you to give more of my time to you that i felt was just. Making me lose my mind in the process.)

I dont think you realized how often i would have suicidal tendencies (tjat i dont think you realized i was even feelinv that way up till the day before you left me) maybe thats my fault. Maybe i didnt try hard enough to show you how much i hated myself. How much i relied on you because i felt like i couldnt trust myself. How hard it was to admit basic failures , that only you would know about...

Fuck. No one knows that i almost got evicted for nonpayment. No one knows that i fell delinquent on my credit card. No one knows that i hate living where i am at right now, that

Is it because i wouldnt give you the answer i wanted? That i wanted to move out with you?,. That i wanted to have a baby with you? Yhat i was scared of you leaving me? That i knew if i said yes to you that i was scared i would lose the happiness i recently found with friends? That i was exhausted but still wanted to be with you? Is it cuz we stopped going on real dates? Is it that i got sick and busy during the holidays? Am i that much of a mess that i ruined your happiness?

Am i so traumatized by the past that i ruined it with you?

That small, selfish part of me that wants you to come back is dying. I know you are such a stubborn man that even if you regretted leaving me, you would just move on. I dont want you to hate me for holding you back, and i think you probably hated that i was not the girl for you. I wish you were the man for me. I wish i could go back to being in your arms and hearing you say it will be okay.....i dont think youve said to me in such a long time.

I wish things were better. I wish you didnt leave me, but i hope you feel better without me. I wont feel better but i will try and not kill myself over you. I will try my best to keep moving forward without you.

[fleastinger]

i know it's hard. but i so firmly believe the strongest antidote to loneliness is reaching out first. and continuing to reach out. again and again and again. excise any scrap of shame you hold about being the person who texts first or pitches the plan or asks to get lunch. everyone is tired and busy and struggling. and afraid of feeling unwanted and unimportant. don't let the people you love feel that way. reach out first. don't be a ghost in your own life.