#i think this is fr the hill i would die on for no reason 😂 | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

skinni-girls-eat-books · 11 months

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Sunday November 12th

5am cats woke me up. Random thoughts. I think one reason for when I think about "my" future and constantly think about him not being in it, was truly because he has been a constant in my life for so long. I don't think it's actually because I'm obsessed with him, that just doesn't add up. Think about it. I know that I'm going to school next semester, but I don't know what classes or what schedule or literally anytime about it. So when I try to imagine my own future it is EXTREMELY vague. My anxiety does NOT like vague so it just starts churning out these anxious thoughts. Whenever I think about my future I always think of him. After so long there's really nothing wrong or bad about that, it's just something I need to work on changing.

I'm really glad I was able to analyze and articulate this feeling to myself, instead of just feeling that anxiousness and texting him, which would not help me or solve anything and then this feeling would just keep reappearing with no solution. Thanks CBT! ❤️

On a similar note, remember every time when you would ask him how he thought about the future and he couldn't articulate a single thought about his future? You used to think that was cute and whimsical, but after never having a single thought for 9 years, ok well now it's like, is that part of your brain missing or something? No ability to plan things or even pretend to talk about aspirations or like what's happening beyond the next 12 hrs. Kind of like a goldfish. I know he's not stupid, so I have never understood why he is like this. We can't have a conversation about the future unless it's me doing 99% of the talking and then it's weird never getting his input ever because he refused to give me his input, for what reason I still don't know why. He was afraid to disagree with me or something? I'm not some weird stickler, and I'm ok with compromise except he never offered his pov um until things were literally already set in motion. I think the idea that you or I can't just jump ship constantly (or just my unwillingness to keep changing my trajectory) for reasons that don't make sense to me (bc he won't explain his reasoning ever) is not clear to him. Sometimes, I can't just stop what I'm doing, like quit school or just not pay a bill. I COULD but the negative consequences typically outweigh whatever I would gain from doing those things. So long story short, I'm not sure this is something he can even change because he's always actually been like this, I just no longer want to be in a relationship with someone who can't even tell me what they're doing today (to make casual conversation hello??) to more serious things like hey where do want to move to? What type of fun trips would you like to plan? What type of plans/ things do you want to do for Christmas? I would ask and I would never get any type of answer, he would just avoid the questions and change the subject or just ignore me 😐🫠

Longer story short, this inability to talk about the future, clearly means you don't have a future with me, because I can't stand it 😂 talk about your future with me or get out of it! Also, actions >> words but we all know that already.

9am ok woke up fr this time. Wow I feel so well rested! I slept in the bed with the radio on and it was such a good, long, 10.5hr sleep damn 😅 this journaling is helping a lot with me not like texting him out of habit, now when I text him it's because I want to, not because I need to get something off my chest or something lol. This is really good and helpful.

7pm hey bitches I'm drunk AF and wish I had a bf to love on but guess what???? I'm just gonna love myself and fuck everyone else who doesn't want my sweet love like wtf is ur problem?? Lmao missing out lil BITCH. Have fun with your new problems 😎

10pm I don't want someone who doesn't want me. What kind of a hill is that to die on lol.

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