#i used to love creative writing but i haven't done any since middle school or maybe early high school

[cisthoughtcrime]

.

[just-in-case-iloveyou]

get to know me tag 🌻

@sugarcoated-lame my darling🧡 thank you so much for the tag 🥰

1. were you named after anyone?

i'm pretty sure y'all can guess my real name, but yeah, i was. my name means "she who will rise again," which was neat, because my parents read about an American Indian woman who worked closely with an ethnologist to record hundreds of hours tapes cataloging her tribe's language. a language that no one spoke, until a cardboard box containing those tapes was found in the Smithsonian Institution the year before i was born. my parents loved the name and were blown away by the story.

2. when was the last time you cried?

two days ago, it's been a rough month

3. do you have kids?

no kids, but i do have a fur baby 🥹 ditto, Kricket

4. what sports do you play/have you played?

i did dance and gymnastics a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. 🩰 after that, i played basketball and softball in middle school, and volleyball from middle to high school. 🏀🥎🏐

5. do you use sarcasm?

at this point, i'm pretty sure it's a coping mechanism for me.

6. what’s the first thing you notice about people?

smile first, then eyes (mostly because i'm nearsighted, so eyes are a little harder)

7. what’s your eye color?

hazel, i guess. they're green on the outside and brown on the inside.

8. scary movies or happy endings?

happy endings, for sure. i'm too chicken for scary movies 🐔 and i like to feel happy 💖

9. any talents?

Kicket, babe, i feel like we're kind of the same person.

i can sing, and if i'm comfortable enough with you, i'll sing along to things in your presence. i used to take voice lessons and do musical theater, but since my anxiety developed later, that's a big no-go nowadays. i'm also a solid advice-giver (but i can't take my own), and i used to stress-bake a TON in university. i suppose i'm pretty good at random trivia! and i'm okay at painting, but i only really do it at those paint and sip places lol.

10. where were you born?

Orange County, California 🍊

11. what are your hobbies?

again, same person, different font

PUZZLES!!! reading, watching movies, singing, baking, thrifting, playing video games (i'm a sucker for the Nancy Drew mystery games). i'm trying to get better at cooking. i used to do creative writing and write poems, but i haven't in a very long time. i feel like i should try to get back into that. and like i said, paint and sip is also fun lol

12. do you have any pets?

at the moment, my sister has a pittie mix named Moose, we've got a lovebird named Peach, and a tortoise (African desert maybe?) named Shelley (we didn't name him). we lost my sweet girl Bell and my baby boy Percy not too long ago 💔💔

13. how tall are you?

5'2" i'm almost pocket-sized!

14. favorite subject in school?

English and Social Studies (history, geography, psych, etc.)

15. dream job?

this is gonna sound insane, but ever since i was 11, i've always wanted to work for the Naval Criminal Investigative Service (NCIS). it sounds squirrely, but long story short, i started watching NCIS and CSI: Crime Scene Investigation around that age, and i just got SO interested in criminology and forensics.

no pressure tags: @lewmagoo @laracrofted @seresinhangmanjake @withahappyrefrain @roosterforme @ohtobeleah @mamachasesmayhem @bobgasm @bobfloydsbabe @attaboylew @attapullman @mjskeletons661 @lostinthefandoms11 @pinkdaisies1106 @mandylove1000 I’m a little late to this so sorry if you’ve already done it 🧡

[strawberryniceblock]

tagged by @sp-ace-twinkk 🥰

15 questions for 15 people

1. Are you named after anyone?

my middle name is from my nan's best friend who unfortunately took her own life before I got the chance to meet her. from the stories I hear about her she was an immensely kind and compassionate woman so it's an honour to have a part of her with me

2. when was the last time you cried?

it's been a while now, I think the last time was early this year when I got evicted and subsequently broke up with my partner at the time

3. do you have kids?

nope and I don't plan on it either

4. what sports do you play/have you played?

played soccer growing up but haven't really been in any sports since

5. do you use sarcasm?

often, I just think it's fun

6. what's the first thing you notice about people?

for a stranger, ill notice their fashion sense first. but for people im meeting/introduced to its usually the way they speak. the vocab, tone, and mannerisms of someone's voice usually clue me in on their personality quickly

7. what's your eye colour?

blue, although I've been told it sometimes has bits of green. had a lot of people comment on how they like my eyes tho

8. scary movies or happy endings?

scary movies 100%, I need endings that make me stare at a wall for an hour afterwards. there is immense beauty in tragedy imo

9. any talents?

writing, sewing, sketching, painting. I am a jack of all trades, master of none when it comes to art and creativity

10. where were you born?

Sydney Australia

11. what are your hobbies?

diy fashion, been altering a lot of my clothes recently to make some more unique pieces to wear

12. do you have any pets?

2 cats whom I love dearly. osiris is a black cat and a public menace and artemis is a tabby kitten who is an angel and has never done anything wrong in her life

13. how tall are you?

uhhh 5'4 ? I think? I'm bad at measurements so I might be a bit off on that

14. favourite subject in school?

English, I was a literature nerd as a teen

15. what is your dream job?

to make cool punk clothes for a living. to be completely independent and survive off my artistic creations

tags (I don't think I know 15 people sorry:(

@roman-cup @auteurdefeu @urgaydemise @haunting-of-mitch @laneysmusings

[cyanide-latte]

1, 4, 19 (if applicable), 23, and 36 for the writing asks? 😊

Oooh, thank you, Ace! There’s a lot here, so I’ll put it under a cut! I’m also tagging @ajarofpickledtears since I think a lot of these were also in the giant ask you sent me lol

1: Which of your fics would you keep the basic plot of but rewrite completely?

Oh gosh, a lot of the early ones that I started writing back when I first began writing again at age 19. I still love the stories as they are, especially as time capsules that I can use to track my growth as a writer, but if I rewrote them now, they'd be more polished and have better pacing and less unnecessary side characters or plot threads that went nowhere.

4: Do you have any OCs? Do you have a story for them?

Dozens. Literally dozens (there's one fandom where I have over 50,) and the vast majority have stories or are featured in another's story. Since getting started on writing for various horror properties, I haven't made a ton more, but I do have a fair few, I'm writing stories for some of them (and others are featured in stories I'm writing for canon characters.) The one I have a soft spot for is actually my s/i for horror properties! I've not actually had an s/i oc be the focus character of anything since I was in middle school (I've had s/i ocs before but it was always a case of, just a random background character that if a reader knew me well enough, they'd recognize my cheeky little waving at them,) but I'm very attached to Hardy and I do want to make an extremely self-indulgent Hellraiser fic for them eventually (they'll also be in DBD stuff.)

(Art by my friend @rocky-road-art )

19: Share a snippet from a wip without giving any context for it.

   “I’m pleased to tell you both that we can now safely say all of our hard work and effort together has been a success!”

There was something too happy and artificial in the way she spoke, like some of the electronic toys they still had that were for children far younger than them, and it made Gabriel’s stomach churn, even as Emily reached out and squeezed his arm.

“You’ve been excellent as always, Emily.”

Gabriel slid a quick look to his sister. She wasn’t beaming back at the doctor, wasn’t even fully smiling, but there was an excited alertness to her. Something like hope shone in her eyes. He couldn’t bear to stare at it for too long, and turned away. Not sure what else to do, he looked down at his own lap, resting his other hand in it and looking at the band around his wrist.

“And you, Gabriel,” the woman continued, her voice a gentle, loving sort of croon one used for a puppy they might especially be fond of, “you’ve done so very well.”

23: Dialogue or description? Why is the other one so hard?

I mean, I don’t mind either? The challenge with dialogue is just making sure I have enough understanding of the characters and how they would interact in order to really make dialogue flow well, and description is a delight because I think visually; it’s holding back on description that I’ve had to practice on the most over the years, and I’d like to think I’ve gotten fairly good at not overloading on description.

36: How do you come up with fic titles? What's the one you're most proud of?

OH THIS IS ONE OF MY FAVORITE THINGS, I WAS HOPING I’D GET THIS ASK!! So, ever since I came back to writing at age 19, I’ve always done two-word titles for my long-running multichapter fics. This was due to the fact that at the time, one of the sites I used to upload fics to had a hard character limit on the titles of uploads, and I would need to make sure I tagged for the fandom, the title, and then indicate what chapter number each upload was. It forced me to get creative with naming my fics. I figured two words would easily help with the title character limit, and I wanted the titles of my fics to be symbolic or at least indicative of themes and/or ideas that run through the frame of the story.

Again, it really forced some creativity, and after a while, I was just kind of known for naming my on-going multichapter fics with poignant two-word titles. I used to be a lot more liberal with naming various oneshots and drabbles whatever. But (again) since I started writing for horror properties, I’ve gotten into a habit of now naming most oneshot/mini-fic/drabble pieces with single-word titles. That’s way more of a challenge and really forces me to think about how I want the fic perceived. (Sometimes I still indulge with a longer title here and there on a oneshot; I have a recent one that’s a phrase, and another that’s titled for song lyrics applicable to the ship I was writing for.)

As for which one I’m the most proud of, aaahhh...I’m not actually sure, I’m proud of a great many of them, really. ^^; I really tend to pat myself on the back about figuring out names I like for my fics.

[yourmypenguin]

Have you ever considered leaving the sanders sides fandom? Like I am just eating up from your hand with all the delicious art and stuff and even like.. noooon fanwork or fanwork outside of that? but I just realised there is barely any cannnnnnon? content an I- I really like you by the way-

Sorry

I can’t write without falling into a tangent thingy.

I probably didn’t ask what I wanted so maybe it’ll hit me again and I’ll come back and try again, but y eah.

You ever think of it?

haaaah good question anon my friend!

i'm glad you asked that actually because i just recently fell back on my old fandom (attack on titan) and I'm drawing a lot of that lately. and I'm like huh, what about sander sides? what about the reversed sides? what about all my shits that i wrote for these little dudes that i was once so excited to talk about? i feel so guilty about not being active and then losing all my excitement due to life i can barely feel alive anymore

the answer to your question is a big yes, but i definitely haven't done that, not the way that people usually define "leaving fandoms" i think. because like i said i just fell back to my old fandom, i got into aot since middle school, dropped out a bit because the anime went on a 4 year hiatus, then fell back in everytime i feel like it, then out and in over and over again. same thing with sander sides, which i also joined since high school, but never got the ideas or guts to post the stuff i make, but at the time that i started with all this content, it was truly a rough time i was going through. Sander sides got me through that time and creating something for my brain rotting helped a lot, and now i'm doing it with aot again too.

that's just how i deal with things essentially and I'm trying my best not to give myself a hard time with that. i know that you guys are good enough to understand too, cuz this fandom is truly wholesome and amazing and everyone is so nice, but I'm just going through my little slumber and don't have as much brain rotting for this one thing like i used to. doesn't mean that i don't love thomas, don't love the sides and making content and art for all of them, and i certainly love you guys a whole lot. i still haven't left the discord servers of my sander sides people because i still adore them with my whole heart.

if i don't create canon content for something, don't worry, i just like to go off the bridge and ask what if a lot. and,,,, i would also like to thank you so much for enjoying my art! i know i haven't posted much of my original art here but i would love to be able to share with you guys my on going og comics and stuff like that, which i will probably be sharing on my Instagram @didlelydan and my other fandom contents are on twitter at @yourmypenguin as well! if you like my art and would like to see what else i can bring to the table, you can follow me there!!!

so TL;DR: I love this fandom and i have thought of leaving it but it is unlikely that i will ever do it for real, i will always be here lurking, in spirit, whatever, Thomas will always be one of my big inspirations, i still like to create content, but that comes in waves and i try not to be too hard on myself for not always active, i cant always be creative and that's ok!!

thanks for the question, anon x

[punkscowardschampions]

Ali & Carly

Ali: . . . – – – . . . Carly: ? Carly: nodded on your phone Ali: OG 🍑📞 Ali: nah save me Carly: it's pretty lemme just grab a 💄 really quick Carly: what's up baby? Ali: you are and I need distracting Ali: got band practice and I really have to Ali: missed the last two so she's dead moody Carly: go solo ill play a tambourine for you Carly: until you get famous anyway Ali: we'll get you those noise cancelling headphones they give to rockstars kids Ali: then you just gotta close your eyes n shine Carly: aw Carly: you're a 🍑 Carly: but before then I know how to sweeten up rockstars Carly: lots of jd is 🔑 yea so ill swipe ronans & its a party Ali: know that'll go down a treat Ali: almost as good as the ego stroke of calling them rockstars Carly: y you asked me its a not so hidden talent of mine Carly: strokes where needed Ali: 🎨 Ali: alright monet Ali: I'll try not to make it completely boring Carly: i have to take 5 to finish up here or he'll be dead moody Carly: so he's all you have to be more fun than Carly: & whats more boring than a horny lad when ur not feeling it Ali: easy Ali: I remember being that bored Ali: less memory more reliving but shh Ali: all fun and games yeah ✌ Carly: yea Carly: he gets it over quick tho some go & go without getting u anywhere Carly: ha Carly: ive got a home to go to sometimes boy Ali: he's very considerate like that Carly: i wont share it w him too big of a word for rn Carly: wheres this practice @ Ali: 'course not Ali: all he needs to hear is biggest and best Ali: memory serves Ali: in one of the other's garage Ali: so punk rock Ali: I'll come meet you Carly: long as he can call me a slut & I make the right noises it dont matter what I say Carly: thats every lad on here Carly: k well he's done so direct me Carly: u dont wanna meet me outside here Ali: if that's your jam, go off Ali: you mean you don't trust me not to 👊 your mans 😏 Ali: I started walking, call me a pessimist, Ronan 🤷 Carly: yea u kno for a good time call any of these caravans Carly: the old lady w the gnomes is a dark horse like Carly: i don't want u to see me looking this way ty ronan 💘 Carly: so rough about everything Carly: him & u ha Ali: she's living my dream, I remember her Ali: the pink trailer, like Ali: shoulda been going to see her if not you Ali: 🤡 Ali: you alright? Ali: you need a sec or Ali: idk, anything else Carly: her cats are living my dream Carly: lying in the sun all day, getting fat Carly: being loved whenever they ask Carly: i need a drink but im taking all of his its k Ali: duh Ali: only had it slightly better in ancient Egypt, like Ali: forever goals Ali: we'll drink it on the way Ali: need to see where to put their fingers Ali: not code for gay shit but like Ali: also Carly: theres lots they can have some as promised Carly: he owed me for all the 💊 Ali: you're sweet Carly: we can get your gf ☕ to dump it in thats the adult thing to do Carly: trying to make her happy not more mad Ali: she's 17 Ali: she just fronts a good game Ali: suppose one of us should Ali: #badgirlfriend Carly: ur the best wife tho Carly: ive missed u Ali: 😚 Ali: comments like that are why I've deffo missed you more Carly: aw Carly: comments like urs r why ill make today really fun for u Ali: 💚 Ali: we can make anything a party yeah Carly: yea Carly: but u gotta help me carry these drinks to cos i think my wrist was broken from all the coaxing that boy needs when hes been on it Ali: ugh, the struggle is so real Ali: though if you use that as an ice breaker they're all gonna look at you blankly Ali: fucking lesbian priviledge amirite Carly: i bet at least one of them's hurt their wrist trying to get a girl off Carly: half who go to our school r so uptight you need to check for sticks Carly: catholic guilt be like Ali: 😂 real Ali: but you gotta be on my side Ali: already outnumbered Ali: team bi for the day okay Carly: so i can talk about masturbating with my grandma's jesus cross or i cant Ali: you can Ali: that's a story whoevers company Ali: 'cept grandma, obvs Carly: punk rock enough? Carly: if theyre all as scary as ur lesbian im shotgunning more beers Carly: bag of recycling before we even get to the garage Ali: when she cares about the 🌍 Ali: 😍 Ali: they ain't, if we're being real Carly: dont want the earth to die Carly: its so pretty Carly: & fun Carly: k i wont have every can Carly: before we get there Ali: 👼🌟🌈🍓🐰👸 Ali: you Ali: and I'm literally just 'round the corner hold on Ali: not dragging my feet 'cos of you babe Carly: ur too sweet Carly: are you the singer & the guitarist or do they make you just do one cos youre too big of a 🌟 Ali: got it in one babe, I'm relegated to guitar #2 most the time Ali: at least you can own the stage more when you ain't so Carly: ill tell them you need to be 1st guitar & lead singer you're too talented for it to go to waste Carly: its sad Carly: but its cute that youre in a band together Ali: you wanna be backup baby? Carly: yea but i cant 😢😢 Ali: you can when it's just us though Ali: you're too pure for rock n roll anyway Ali: their brand of Carly: how you said that makes me think i need to drink more Ali: it's a good thing about you Ali: just saying though, my voice will be fucked by the end of this Carly: ill get you some 🍯 baby Carly: you can be 👼 again in no time Carly: church ready Ali: only if you coming with Ali: 😈 Carly: only if we do some more sinning first Carly: make it worth the walk Ali: naturally Ali: how we do Carly: k Carly: are all the band dating each other or just you two Ali: 😏 more and more apparent how straight you ain't tbh Ali: currently off again, I think Ali: they've all dated each other though, every which way you can combo it Carly: i have met a lesbian before ur rescued me @ that party Carly: been hit on by lots Carly: i kno they like to date in circles & all kinds of other shapes Ali: I bet Carly: aw don't be jealous Carly: i didnt like it Carly: ur my fave Ali: I'm not Ali: am glad I ain't giving off those predatory vibes though Ali: good to know, like Carly: you give off the best vibes Ali: 👼 energy, baby Carly: 🌟💙 Ali: let's hit 'em with it Carly: yea Ali: after she can drive us to a decent shindig 🤞 Carly: me & a car full of gays Carly: ronan will be in a mood ha Ali: always a bonus Ali: also always in a mood Ali: they really would get on if she could get over the whole man hate vibe Carly: ill bring him to the next rehearsal Carly: he thinks hes got what it takes Ali: 😏 Ali: I'll put my money on Mar Ali: poor boy Carly: steals my 🎸 every time he comes over Carly: i cant be impressed that you can play 2 chords baby boy I'm sorry Ali: 😩💦 Ali: even as relegated #2 I can do more than that Ali: promise Carly: me too & im only groupie #1 Carly: he still tries to teach me tho Carly: so boring Ali: 🙄 Ali: what a dickhead Ali: he just wants to be behind you to 'position' your hands, boys love that shit don't they Ali: I know how to play pool too so get off Carly: we should play my da taught me Carly: make some money & have some fun Ali: I'm down Carly: k Carly: cos i need to buy more 💊s he really did eat them all Carly: 😢😢 Ali: Babe Ali: I know a reliable lad Ali: invite him Ali: make it a party Carly: yea me & him been up since i saw you last how long ago was that? forever it feels Carly: be more fun away from site Ali: damn Ali: how the other half live Ali: I feel like I haven't had any fun since I last saw you Ali: get enough to take the edge of your comedown if nothing else or that'll be rough Carly: i wanted to invite u my baby but u kno how he gets Carly: hates that weve met Carly: ill make you feel good now promise Carly: hes had too much of my time Ali: worried that Imma tell you horror stories like you don't know him? Ali: backatcha 💚 Ali: swear Carly: yea he thinks my head's empty Carly: just a body like Carly: not that weve done school for years together or anything Carly: i kno i dont always go but boy come on Ali: you're miles ahead of him Ali: he only acts like he reckons that 'cos he don't want you coming to your senses and binning him off proper, like Carly: ur lil bro writes & reads better Carly: but hes a smart lil cutie Carly: what am i gonna do move the caravan in the middle of the night? no wheels is there Carly: stuck as fwb til he gets married his wife finds out & comes for me Ali: yeah he likes you too Ali: always chatting on when you coming 'round again so you know Ali: better hang some more, for his sake Ali: I know you got locks Carly: aw i love him Carly: always wanted a lil bro but my rents dont fuck no more so that ain't happening Carly: unless my dad knocks up someone younger Carly: u kno id lock myself out & end up round there Carly: ha Ali: lil blue pills don't fail us now Ali: ick Ali: should go to casa flamenco Ali: don't think she'd steal your stash Ali: oldies always have their own, the real good shit too Carly: that what ur calling it Carly: ill steal hers Ali: exactly Ali: 😍 #babe Ali: ronan who Carly: i do go older but not sure i could handle peeling back the wrinkles Ali: weak 😉 Carly: you seduce her for me, thats love Carly: & you wanna be under her anyway Ali: 'scuse you Ali: I'm happily married Carly: me too Carly: pimping me out to the older generation wasnt in the vows were it Ali: could've been Ali: you know how creative I am Carly: yea i do love that about you Ali: I 👀 you Ali: [runs up and takes some of the shit] Carly: [unnecessarily long hug moment because always] Ali: ['it does feel like forever'] Carly: [just rambling on about how much she's missed her & like all the compliments for how she looks/what she's wearing etc cos again always] Ali: [lbr she'd go all out for rehersals even so it would be a look, Ali lowkey fixing Carly up whilst checking 'cos was concerned but not gonna make it a Thing tm] Carly: [save her Ali she looks like shit rn & your gf don't need to be seeing her like that] Ali: [finishing by kissing her nose 'cos that is a thing] Carly: [😳 but really happy obvs & another hug cos they really have missed each other so] Ali: [walking and talking baby] Carly: [& letting Ali catch up with all the drinks Carly's had] Ali: [giving her the lowdown on the other bitches who are clearly not as scary as kstew] Carly: [you'd think she's not listening because 1. state of her & 2. how distracting Ali is in her lewk but she is] Ali: [is like soz it's boring but I'll make it fun] Carly: [she's like its not you're just pretty & also I'm saving you & making it fun] Ali: ['not about to beg but please do'] Carly: ['knew I should've locked that down in the vows' cos being flirty with it] Ali: ['too late now babe, 'less you make me wanna renew'] Carly: [is just like yeah okay will do, soz kstew but we know its true so] Ali: [turning up to your function, imagine kstews face oop] Carly: [Carly handing the booze out cos she's a babe while kstew talks shit on her by pulling Ali aside like we said] Carly: u want me to go? Ali: [Ali tryna explain but also being kinda over this mood like why can't she be here, u lowkey know why but you know] Ali: no Ali: don't Ali: I'll sort it Carly: k Carly: [Carly just drinking a little bit too hard cos the vibe is wrong & her anxiety don't need this thank you ladies] Ali: [just walking away and being like okay come on let's start 'cos can't argue if you're playing] Carly: [pissing about on some spare instruments while they're setting up cos awks] Ali: I've text the lad Ali: reckons 10 minutes 👍 Carly: 💙🌟 Carly: ty Ali: [ooh crimson and clover 'cos joan did it and it'd be a sexy moment so blatantly directed at carly] Carly: [Carly literally 😍 harder than her gf is, oops] Carly: [& so many compliments as soon as the song is over before kstew can get a word in, god bless] Ali: [gently/not being a patronizing dick with it showing her dance moves and stuff like getting her involved without being like you have to perform now lol] Carly: [k stew fuming like now the WARM UP is done we should play OUR songs we all know the type like excuse you everyone is having fun especially my sweet baby angel] Ali: [being like oh but I just learnt this song it's got a good bass bit we should do that, overruled lol] Carly: [has to go with it cos no argument she can make that won't sound petty as hell and not trying to look like that bitch in front of the squad] Ali: [doing electric feel for the gay sexiness] Carly: [Carly even more into it cos a song she knows cos lets say she don't know the glory of our cat song just because so its such a moment okay bye] Carly: [Marlene calling a 🚬 break immediately after cos fuming & that can also be when Drew comes] Ali: [as if you weren't fuming enough there's how a man here 😍 at your woman, also giving them droogs] Carly: [meanwhile Carly ain't noticed cos sharing a 🚬 with the prettiest & least intimidating lesbian perched on her lap like so cosy....way to kill Ali babe we know she's special but let her know please] Carly: [hops off to get her drugs but still a moment] Ali: [these other girls just stirring the pot rn lmao] Carly: [that girl being like you should come out with us & Carly's like yeah cos she's pure] Ali: you know this one's flirting with you too, yeah? Ali: 😏 Carly: ha Carly: shes nice Ali: yeah Ali: pretty cute Carly: u kno the dealer wants to fuck you tho yea Carly: hes pretty Ali: obvs Ali: his hairs a bit naff but yeah Carly: ur gf is gonna drag him out by it Carly: let me slip him my number first ty Ali: lol 🙄 Ali: better you have his, no Ali: 💊 Ali: idk why she's the fun police today Carly: k good idea Carly: [goes to get his deets] Carly: she's so mad Carly: u gotta love me more when shes not around Ali: i ain't done nothing Carly: shes jealous of me like i am of her Carly: two girls one 💙 Carly: [lowkey flirting with Drew before he gets thrown out] Ali: hmm Ali: maybe you can duel Ali: [helping herself 'cos they clearly got enough to go around 'cos Drew's easy lol] Carly: 😢😢 Carly: you want me to be killed Ali: don't be silly Ali: not very gentlemanly of her, she'd never Ali: for someone so punk she loves following rules you know Carly: y u like her or y ur bored? Ali: [casually loling at her phone like what you think] Carly: [a moment of eye contact soz kstew] Carly: y dont i kno this lad? Ali: idk Ali: he wasn't always that cocky Ali: maybe his pubes came in Carly: ha Carly: ill find out Carly: gotta b known as the school slag not the girl who pissed herself on the stage Ali: more catchy Ali: I get it Carly: u only remember our wedding day i kno but it tends to stick in everyone else's memories Carly: a day of bad vibes Ali: I remember you but not like that Carly: hope its not worse Carly: how you do Carly: [casually taking too many 💊 to deal with the bender she's been on with the gypsies, you know Drew will remember her like this] Ali: nah Ali: you were cute Ali: and nice when all these random english kids showed up Carly: cos you were cuter Carly: im always nice to the pretty ones Ali: 💘 Ali: s'a good line walsh, you get it off him n all Carly: 💔😢 Carly: i love you i dont need him feeding me those kind of lines Carly: we gotta crush some of these tho its gonna take forever to kick in Ali: only joking baby don't be sad Ali: [comes over and helps 'cos why not kstew already furious her band practice has descended into anarchy] Carly: [using a shoe she's wearing for once to crush pills casually but stops to put her head on Ali's shoulder cos is sad lowkey] Ali: [gives her top of the head kisses] Carly: [is smiling again & telling her how much she missed her again and all that good gay content while Marlene fumes in the distance] Ali: [whispers like sorry for the bad vibes and I am gonna fix this 'cos she knows it's been fucked but realistically don't know what she's doing about it yet 'cos where do we stand] Carly: [kisses her on the forehead cos that big brain always thinking & worrying & she know] Carly: u wanna 👃 or 👅? Ali: 👃 Carly: yea dont want a numb mouth Carly: no fun Ali: probably would help my throat but kinda 'bout that smokes and drinks a 40 a day vibe so Ali: soz to my nasal cavity in advance Carly: the 🍯 is coming as promised Carly: [puts enough powder in her hand for Ali to snort, how intimate excuse them like she could have used her own hand or any surface Carly but go off] Ali: you're sweet enough darling Ali: [soz kstew just gals being pals 'cos obvs returning the favour and 'holding her hair out the way' aka stroking it] Carly: [when you more about that intimacy than the drug you're trying to take] Carly: aw Ali: [moment being ruined by some kind of unignorable strop moment from marlene clearly so she has to go and have an argument brb] Carly: should i go now? Ali: wait for me Ali: please? Ali: outside if you like or whatever, I'm being selfish but Ali: I ain't staying either Carly: k Carly: [is outside quietly singing a little mash up of both gay covers while she waits, just little bits of lyrics she likes from each lol] Ali: [not tryna drag this out and clearly we can't let it get to let's break up point so] Carly: lets go have some real fun Ali: [when she comes out, resting her arms on her shoulders and spinning her 'round and 'round like let's go] Carly: [is loving life again bye bitches] Ali: ['we can do anything we wanna' means now but also like always] Carly: [is buzzing because her life is literally so stagnant already like what a welcome premise & hugs her cos that's what she wants to do, always gotta be touching] Ali: [and hand holding] Carly: [complimenting her AGAIN as they going along cos she's a really good singer tbf so] Ali: [chatting away 'bout the kinda music she wanna do and what the band is about and starting her own etc but also about how pretty Carly's voice is and how it's too precious for the stage anyway] Carly: [okay but after they've nerded out over music Carly be like 'wait for me' runs into a shop really quick & buys Ali some honey for real cos she that nerd & presents it to her really happily wrapped in her headscarf or something cos again nerd] Ali: [you know how buzzing and touched she'd be 'cos also that nerd, being like you're such an angel and imma get you something so special etc] Carly: [Carly like you gotta eat it tho & opens it right there like she gonna drip it into Ali's mouth if she don't how gaaaaaay, steals some with her finger too obvs cos cute but also accidentally sexy all the time] Ali: [winnie screeching in the distance] Carly: [gets a phone call from her mum & answers in this state cos no fucks given on either side & then turns to Ali like my turn to take you to a family bbq cos I think the contrast would be hilarious so we should but not now cos give them some alone time @ god] Ali: [is down 'cos she's not a snob unlike someone we know rosalin and she'd be lowkey about it 'cos any excuse to spend time] Carly: [ronan will 100% be there cos hilarious like you gotta fight him Ali tbh] Carly: [just rambling about how much she loves Ali rn though cos always] Carly: 💙🌟🐝👼🚀 Ali: [backatcha and dropping the charity shop plan] Carly: [is so down obvs like little kid levels of excited] Ali: [running thru the streets of dublin like babes] Carly: [god fucking bless] Ali: [charity shop crawl so wild like leave 'em be world] Carly: [like how pure that they think of cat lady Ro & kstew would never bitch] Ali: [probably making friends with all the nice old ladies in there/horrifying the old bitches tho too lol] Carly: [this is why Carly makes my heart hurt cos she'd wanna be friends but would probably horrify lol] Ali: [tbf they are high] Carly: [as per again let them live peeps its summer] Ali: [should steal something but like something really tiny and silly 'cos sinning and stealing from a charity shop is pretty bad in a cute way somehow lol] Carly: [but leaving shoes behind or something cos barefoot life so the universe is balanced] Ali: [and ali would buy stuff for 'em both but making sure carly knows this ain't THE gift 'cos wants to swag that lol] Carly: [okay but can they also come back to buy homewares for the caravan when she gets her own thanks bye] Ali: [absolutely, just window shopping rn how you do like 'when I have my own place' but saying we 'cos #married] Carly: [Ali can actually get one of the actual things when cos its still there, oh my heart]

[teacherintransition]

“Oh what a time it was and what a time it was; it was ... a time of innocence... a time of confidences”*

“... long ago it must be ... I have a photograph, hold on to memories... they’re all that’s left you...”*

We think time follows rules; strict and linear and precise... the truth is there are no rules: a moment can be a decade, a memory can immediately transport you back twenty years in a blink of an eye.

On January 6th, 2002 ... Fant Smart, my best friend was murdered ... I have never truly recovered... it’s been nineteen years, a few of us did a little writing about his place in our lives... thank you friends. Today the topic isn’t in question; for me, it’s a sacred day.... a day where time has no meaning... for this I’m glad. As I was contemplating how I would approach this, I was drawn to how unfathomable and meaningless the passage of time can be. I’ve known people for up to 50 years or more and many move in and out of my life like shadows passing through tall grass in the wind. I knew my friend from 1996-2002... in that short period of time we became close friends, good friends don’t need anymore time than that. In truth, my bond to Fant was cemented after only a couple of days as I’m inexorably drawn to eccentric, non conforming characters. But Fant was gentle and kind ... the only time I can recall him confronting someone in anger was when he confronted me over misplacing some photograph prints in his classroom. Even though I was getting the “chewing” I felt bad for him because he looked so damn uncomfortable being angry. A hour later, he came up to me and said, “hey, you know I found those prints, they were on my desk.” With an air of , “I told ya so,” I answered him with a snarky, “uh huh.” Fant looked embarrassed and said, “I guess half the story can be a dangerous thing, but not with friends huh?” We grinned at each and I replied, “...especially not with a couple of weird hippies like us.”

Fant Allison Smart was born in 1946 in East Texas. He and I taught together for six years which I think for him was sixteen years at his end. He was a songwriter, a traveler, a stone mason and about a dozen other things. To quote from an essay written by a friend of his in Goliad named Rocky trying to describe him on first sight,

“Most of our group were Children of the Sixties, and, try as some did to overwhelm their innate look of Child of a Small Town, one thing most of us didn’t sport—even those who lived and worked the ranch and farm—were cowboy duds.”

This fellow had a nice gingham shirt on, pressed and the pearl buttons all intact with the right about of luster. Wranglers and shined on kaboy boots, and a big kaboy hat on the bar in front of him. Well, to the side, really, since in front was a domestic beer.”**

Fant was a walking, talking conversation piece with all he did and said. Once we had a rented a beach house in Bolivar to celebrate the retirement of a colleague. Having just the right amount of “coldbeer,” (to Fant it was one word without the hint of a pause), I sat down beside him on the deck. He was wearing flip flops I noticed as he always wore the aforementioned kaboy boots, and I looked down aghast at the sight that on his left foot, his big toe was missing. I freaked, “SON OF A BITCH, DAMMIT, WHERE THE F*** IS YOUR TOE?” He barely looked up and giggled and said, “I guess somewhere in Nacogdoches county. I kicked a running mower when I was eight... off it went.” Still recovering from the sight, just seeing Fant’s feet was shocking enough as it appeared that any type of pedicure had never entered his mind, “SHIT! I’m sorry dude.” He winked at me, “don’t be... it kept me out of Vietnam.... hmmm, that might make a song.” It was always like that with Fant...

A victim of heart break and unrequited love, Fant could no doubt be the inspiration for any old school, wang tangy, heartbreaking country song. He didn’t wear it on his sleeve; the bits and pieces of his hurt would escape on FAC (Friday afternoon club), song lyrics, or cryptic emails delivered late, late Friday nights or early, early Saturday mornings.. it just depended on how much coldbeer we had consumed. His mysterious late night emails which often were song lyrics written in reverse and signed to the love of his life, “we should’ve done it different Tressie Ann” or “ in my heart you’ll be Tressie Ann;” was his gesture to let his friends all over the country know that he’d made it home safely...we could all rest with a clear mind. His emails and correspondence were signed with one of his two nom de plumes: J. K. Schwartz or Vance Mart. There is a memorial brick on the square in downtown Nacogdoches with J. K. Schwartz placed on it. What a guy, you getting the picture?

Once, Russell, Fant and I had cooked out and had drinks at Russell’s home. We told him, “you’re not getting out of here tonight... your staying here,” to which he acquiesced pretty easily. There was nothing small or quiet or anything done with finesse when it came to Fant, yet as surreptitiously as a ninja, that six foot, 275 pound bear of a man snuck out of the house. We waited viewing the computer, waiting for his email so that we’d know he made it home safe. 12:10 an email from J. K. Schwartz hit the inbox, we could go to sleep.

FAC, (wasn’t that what I was writing about before chasing a rabbit), was where the witticism flowed like wine ... often literally. One night at O’Malley’s, he had his lap top out which had no Internet service, and we spent the night drinking and typing to no one how our conversation would sound if spoken in an Irish accent. Two big guys with ponytails, drinking copious amounts of coldbeer, speaking like Irishmen, and rolling with laughter at how the conversation looked typed on his lap top and no one was getting hurt. Ahhh “shiny times” ... his term for the best of times...and that they were.

Self discipline has to come into play with this piece, for truth’s sake, I could write for hours. I laugh and I cry when I tell Fant stories even after nineteen years. I’ve mourned him three times the number of years I knew him. I saw him yesterday, I see him now...remember what I said about time having no rules? My biggest fear is that someone so kind, creative, affable, wise, eccentric, funny and human to might be forgotten. We are a poorer species without him, but fewer and fewer people know it. At Lufkin Middle School where we taught, the kids and I and Madeline Porter made a memorial sidewalk to honor Fant. On the day of dedication, it was rainy and gray. I had my guitar and some kids accompanied me as I sang two of Fant’s songs: “Would it Matter if I Misspelled Thermometer” and “We are the Standing People,”(which is a grace he said over Thanksgiving one year as if the tall trees were praying). So many of the staff has moved on (myself included) and all the students grown to adulthood, that I reckon no one even know who the sidewalk is for. It is unavoidable I suppose, but as Merlin said in L’Morte de Artur, “it is the doom of men that they forget.”

I’ll not forget ole Bean, Frijole Compadre ...I know I write about him this time every year ... and it may seem morbid to some; but I subscribe to the Druidic belief that no one really dies, we just change form and we can hold on to special characters if they aren’t allowed to be forgotten

Kaep in kickin' mah stoatin mukker Fant Alisson Smart... I’ll nae ferget ye

Nineteen years ago, I lost my best friend to a senseless act of violence. There has not been a day that I haven't thought of him ....and the days have never been the same. The world lost one of the kindest, creative, gentle, imaginative, idealistic human beings I have ever known.... and had the most fantastic sense of humor that was delivered with a keen and childlike wit. I have experienced loss since and will again .... but have never lost such a rare spirit. I wish I could play guitar with him again ... as I have never played as well since, I wish I could dig deep into the well of philosophical dialogue again.... as I have never visited such since... I wish I could revel in nonsensical humor with him again .... as nothing has struck me as funny since.... I wish I could have one more Friday afternoon club at Flashback as Friday afternoons have felt much more lonely since. No one I know has started a phrase with, " I've heard it said," since I met my friend ... and only the best stories could begin with such words . The world has not been the same since his ugly departure from this realm. I don't feel anger or vengeance .... just loss ... deep loss. I miss you old friend ...the world is somewhat more dim since you went away, but my life is the better for having known you.

“You don’t know what you had Tressie Ann”

*”Bookends” by Paul Simon

**”Where You Bean, Frijole Compadre, J. K. Swartz” ...Rocky and Rosemary.

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