#i want everyone to have at least one starter hopefully?? LMAO

[friedno]

i am so very normal about my interests today (<- about to give cloutchase characters Pokemon teams)

[mieohmy]

sticky situations | prologue.

PAIRING: spiderman! mark lee x sidekick! afab reader

GENRE: superhero! au, f2ls, romance, action, SLOW BURN, angst, fluff, humor

WORD COUNT: 8.2k

NOTES: profanity, depictions of violence, weapons, blood/injuries, all around obliviousness, not proofread im sorry i write at like the peak of dawn

SUMMARY: you never thought you’d be partners in crime with the red and blue spandex wearing hero who is not only your friend mark, but also the guy you secretly have a crush on. 

author’s note: hihi! for the first time i decided to write a prologue for one of my upcoming wips (mainly bc it would be too long if i included all the backstory into the original fic lmao) anyways this serves as a sort of teaser so hopefully its alright :) - jae

all throughout highschool, you didn’t really classify your life to be ‘exciting’. you lived in one of the biggest and busiest cities in the country and yet no long lasting love interests, cutthroat drama between your friends, not even a social life to begin with. you supposed it was your choice, after all. you were the one who chose a simple and mundane life and now you had to stick with it. 

the pace didn’t really pick up until you turned eighteen and obtained an internship at the newly reformed octavius industries. it was your choice to go into the stem-based field and you did not regret it one bit. the environment was always friendly and you felt normal- as normal as a human doing whatever they wanted to do could be. and surprisingly, it wasn’t hard to form a friend group among the other interns who had similar aspirations (and social anxiety) as you. 

lee donghyuck was the first person you met at the labs. entering the company as interns together on the first day, you classified him as the annoyingly bright guy that needed to fucking chill sometimes- and he agreed when you told him that. next was chenle and jisung. they were the two peas in a pod and to be honest, they needed to chill more than donghyuck. nevertheless, they were a breath of fresh air in your stress-filled life. 

last but certainly not least, was mark lee. you won’t lie, at first you struggled to connect with him. he was already close friends with donghyuck, chenle, and jisung from high school, so you were actually the newcomer. it wasn’t anything like he gave off ‘weird vibes’ to you, mark was just a lot quieter than the other guys and you didn’t know as much about him. when you asked jisung, that boy just shrugged and said he started acting like that about a year ago but the subject was touchy so they dropped it. apparently, it’s been fine ever since. 

to you, mark was just the mysterious guy with a secret. oh for sure, that man was hiding things from the rest of you and you especially were determined to figure out whatever it was. all those cuts and scraps decorating his knuckles and face that came from his “hobby” when you questioned him, yeah no- you didn’t believe any of that bullshit. 

and yet, your group just worked. you got closer with all of them- to the point where you actually considered them your friends. they were the people forced to suffer with your 10 cups of coffee everyday (a joke, mostly) and constant, “wait a second, i need to pee.” 

it wasn’t for a couple of months into your internship that something shifted. for starters, you had the energy to greet everyone at the lab that certain day. after scanning your badge to enter your assigned lab, you grab a pair of gloves and slip them on. 

“hey, y/n,” a voice greets out of nowhere and you almost jump. placing a hand on your now pounding chest, you turn to see mark. 

“oh my gosh, mark,” you call out, “you fucking scared me.” 

he giggles and you eventually find yourself letting out a small smile too. “my bad,” he apologizes, and you can’t help but note the dark circles under his eyes. he had them on occasion, but you thought yours were bad, and the more you looked the more it seemed like mark was staying up most if not all nights. even more than you- and that was saying a lot. 

conversation comes easily, even when the rest of the guys hadn’t shown up yet. “those lazy butts can’t even set an alarm? pathetic,” you murmur while peering down into the microscope. 

“i know. they’re always late when we plan group hangouts as well,” he remarks. “oh! and that reminds me, are we still on for that new movie?“ 

you hum. “that depends on if it’s good or not… and if the others are willing to suffer through another shitty movie. i don’t mind, though.”

you can’t see, but mark smiles unconsciously. “yeah, you’ll just fall asleep if it’s that bad. just like last time.” 

you let out a snarky laugh, recalling when you went to watch a film called freaky handshake or something like that. man, you swear it was filmed by two guys who were bored and created the whole plot in less than an hour. 

when the five of you went to watch it at the theater, you ended up passing out in the first ten minutes. it wasn’t your fault you were already feeling sleepy when the ads were playing before the start of the movie. mark was kind enough to place his jacket over you, you remember fondly. 

focusing back on the specimens you were studying in front of you, you look up at mark. he’s busy dropping a clear liquid on the glass swatch. you politely ask said person to pass you the dropper when he’s finished and he nods. when he hands you it, your fingers touch for a split second and you jolt slightly at the almost electric feeling. first of all, where were mark’s gloves? and second of all, was it just you who felt that? glancing at him, he seems to be unbothered as he continues his work and you’re left to fumble over his lingering warmth.

that’s weird. 

so one lovely afternoon, perhaps a week later, mark takes a seat next to you at one of the empty tables with a friendly smile and your stomach actually flutters. maybe it was just the food you ate earlier, you brush it off. but the fact that he chose to sit next to you instead of across from you, or at any other empty table makes your thoughts wander.  

over the course of the next week, you can’t help it when linger your eyes on him- when he shrugs on his lab coat, when he loses his goggles and you have to remind him that they’re on his head, when he… 

shit. why mark of all people? 

what in the actual world, you thought yourself to be way closer with donghyuck than mark. you thought you were perfectly content just being friends. in fact, you weren’t even searching to be in a relationship- especially not one with a co-worker. your only goals were getting enough sleep to survive the next day and working hard at the lab (which so kindly paid you for your internship), so why did mark have to get in the way? you just prayed that the others didn’t notice your sudden weird behavior. 

what are feelings and why do they suck? you didn’t want to do anything about it because, to be frank, you were a coward. if mark didn’t like you back- which is what you believed to be true because you didn’t get any of those vibes from him- then it would be so awkward if and when he rejected you. you didn’t want to mess up your good friendship as it was and for the rest of the group as well.

walking into the building one fall morning, you overhear people talking about the news last night. you frown at the recalling of events, it sucked to turn on the tv and see a failed bombing attempt at brooklyn bridge. apparently, a number of escaped convicts stole firearms and took it upon themselves to start chaos on the bridge. it took spiderman and the police to finally get the situation in control. but still, you shivered at the idea of the bridge possibly collapsing with all those civilians still there. 

strolling into the employees lounge with a fresh cup of coffee, you tap donghyuck on the head. “what’s up, loser?”

he spins around and his eyes fall on the object in your hand. “let me guess, number four?” you softly smack him on the head as he lets out a sound in protest. “it’s my first, thank you very much.”

you pause, taking a sip as you glance around. “where’s jisung and chenle?”

“they went to the lab first,” he answers dutifully. “and mark?” you ask with a frown. 

he sends you a look and you stick your tongue out in retaliation. donghyuck doesn’t say anything though, only answering your question with a shrug. 

mark didn’t show up for the whole day. you found yourself wondering what happened to him, if it had anything to do with the almost accident last night. was he stuck on that bridge when it happened and needed to recover the day after? ugh, you hated how much you spent the day worrying about him. 

as you leave work to get home that night, you send mark a quick text asking if he‘s alright. as you turn the corner, shutting your phone off because it was new york and you were alone by yourself at night, you keep an eye out. some of the stuff you were lucky enough not to be involved in but witnessed… you shivered. 

all of a sudden, a body comes flying out of the store in front of you, completely shattering the glass with a horribly loud sound. you let out a silent scream, hand raising up to cover your mouth as you attempt to discover more about the situation. 

spiderman comes flying out a few seconds after, shooting what you think are his webs at the guy and effectively trapping him. 

you stare, as still as a statue as spiderman finishes his task successfully and swings off into the night, leaving who you guess attempted to rob the poor store webbed up for the cops to handle. 

shaking, you take a few seconds to recover before taking another safer route home, one with more people and less glass windows.. what the actual fuck.

straight up, you didn’t really care for spiderman. sure, you admired his efforts to stop crime and help the city. but all his crypticness got on your nerves a bit and you kinda sorta wished spiderman would stop popping in and out before disappearing again as per usual. but who cared about your opinion, you were just a random civilian in a mid-life crisis. 

mark shows up the next day at work like nothing happened. his sheepish response to your text the day before was that he had a weird one-day cold, and didn’t want to spread it to anyone. obviously, you knew he was lying but you had no choice but to accept it in the moment. one day, you promise with resolve, you’ll find out more about what that man’s hiding. 

even with all his “manly” mysteriousness, you still liked mark. you just didn’t get it. it was just mark. just the same awkward mark who makes the worst jokes at all the wrong moments and is too scared (or too much of a softie to admit it) to kill a fly. as the weeks passed, your feelings only grew stronger- and not weaker as you desperately hoped. and luckily, the only one who seemed to notice something was going on with you was donghyuck, but everyone knew he said the most random shit at times, so thank goodness no one believed a word of out his mouth. 

“i’m heading out, bye guys!” after packing up your stuff, you start to head for the exit after a long day at work. 

“wait!” a familiar voice calls out, and you abruptly stop. mark catches up to you, handing you your jacket, and your eyes widen. 

“oh no, did i leave it? thank you mark,” you grin gratefully. “yeah yeah, no problem.”

he scratches his head. “oh, and be careful going home. the crime reports at night have been rising lately…” 

you nod, feeling a warm sensation fill you. “i will. be safe too.” you could always count on mark to be the caring and thoughtful one. 

as the door shuts behind you, you don’t notice mark quickly say his goodbyes to head out as well. as you stroll down the cracked sidewalks of new york, you note the chilly weather. it’s been getting colder lately, you frown. 

looking up at the night sky, you see a flash of red and blue pass by. immediately you can recognize the pattern. it was strange, after witnessing spiderman at work that one day, you noticed how often you saw him after that. especially at night when you walked home alone, most times when you really stopped to study your surroundings, you swear you would spot him. whether it be out of the corner of your eye or passing by right in front of you, just out of normal speaking distance, spiderman was always there. 

but you never thought you’d have a face to face encounter with the spiderman. on a nice cool saturday, you went walking out to meet up with your science gang for dinner. 

when you hear the oncoming noise of police sirens, you feel the hairs on your arm raise. from somewhere in front of you, sounds of hushed clamor and commotion fill the air. you can’t see much due to a crowd of civilians in front of you, and you determinedly push past to observe the scene. 

it seems you were too late. the police were there and lingering effects of smoke fill your senses. but out of nowhere, a slim figure swings out of nowhere. pleased cheers arise from the crowd around you, and you realize it’s spiderman. 

he speaks to the police for a brief moment before turning to the crowd. you study him up close for the first time, his build and gestures. he turns to the crowd, and you don’t pay enough attention to what he says because his voice is so familiar? 

perhaps not exactly, but the way he spoke reminded you of someone you couldn’t put your finger on. your thoughts are cut off when you realize his eyes are on you (or at least with his mask on you think he was looking at you) and you look around to see that most of the crowd has dissipated while you stood there like an idiot. 

“are you alright, miss?” he speaks with a slight tone of worry, and you blink, startled. you weren’t expecting him to acknowledge you, let alone talk to you. 

the only thing that can come out of your mouth is, “is your suit really spandex?” 

he softly laughs and that laugh makes you frown. it’s slightly muffled but you think it sounds somewhat like- 

“that’s a first. to answer your question, yes and no? it’s actually made up of biogenetically modified synthetic fiber, so i don’t know if you know what that means- wait no, i wasn’t trying to assume your intelligence- um, l-let’s just say a special kind of spandex?” 

gaping, you can only nod in response. since when did spiderman sound so awkward? that wasn’t even a word but it’s the only one you could use to describe him attempting to talk to you about that ‘cool’ suit of his. 

“sorry about that…” you think you hear a hint of embarrassment in his voice and almost chuckle. he cocks his head before asking you for the time. when you respond, he groans, “ah, i gotta go. maybe ill see you around, miss…?”

you fumble, “uhh, y/n’s fine?” why in the world was he asking for your name?

he clicks his tongue, “nice to meet you then, y/n.” in a split second, he’s up and gone. just like that. 

you stand there, staring at the spot he was just in for a few seconds. then you curse. shit, you’re going to be late. 

you arrive at mick’s diner 15 minutes late. after getting caught up in spiderman stuff, you ran to the nearest subway station in hopes of making it on time and obviously, you didn’t. huffing and puffing, you push past the door and look for your friends. 

chenle’s the first to spot you and raise a hand in your direction. the rest follow his action to you with curious eyes. 

“there’s our sleeping beauty,” donghyuck teases and you scowl, sliding into the booth next to jisung. “funny, but this time i didn’t fall asleep. just got caught up in some stuff.”

“stuff?” mark inquires. you cough, “yeah. nothing important.” glancing down at the menu, you fail to notice his tiny frown. 

“anyways,” chenle speaks up, “now that you’re here we can discuss who’s going to present to doyoung for our next monthly update.” 

a series of groans follow, including yours. you steal a sip of jisung’s water before replying, “i did it last time so it’s not going to be me.” 

jisung sighs in disappointment. “when is it, anyways?” 

“the sixteenth,” mark affirms. jisung’s eyes widen, “shoot, i can’t be there that day. can you guys cover for me?”

you glance at him, “what’s going on?” 

“it’s my mom’s birthday. can’t miss it, you know..” he says sheepishly. donghyuck nods then. “alright. it’s between chenle and mark.”

chenle sits up indignantly. “what? why not you?” 

donghyuck leans back in his chair with a relaxed grin. “it’s also my mom’s birthday.” 

you start off with narrowed eyes, “you fucking liar don’t-“ and you stop yourself abruptly. “wait, that’s right. your mom and jisung’s mom share a birthday.”

the table sits in silence for a few seconds. 

jisung clears his throat. “i guess it’s up to rock paper scissors to decide.” mark and chenle glance at each other. within a few seconds, the loser is clear. chenle lets out a dolphin-like shriek in happiness. 

mark looks around the table nervously, “wait guys, i really don’t think you should choose so hastily, maybe we should choose a back up person in case i can’t make it-“

donghyuck shakes his head in disapproval, “nope, nope. sorry but we’ve never done that before. that’s your problem, bro.” 

you know what he means. mark’s always been like that. you wouldn’t describe him as flaky, but he was indeed like that. sometimes he would right next to you and then the next second he was gone without a single word. most of the time, there was no definite reason and if you did happen to ask, he say some dumb excuse on why he had to leave. it happened so much that you supposed everyone got used to it, regardless of how much he apologized after.

it didn’t mean mark wasn’t trustworthy. in fact, he was incredibly hardworking and studious. he did all his work with the rest of the group and showed up on important days, which is what mattered the most. (yet you still wondered what made you fall for him.) 

“it’s alright mark,” you smile comfortingly. “i bet we can pull something together if you can’t make it.” chenle opens his mouth to protest but you shut him down with a glare. 

“if the rest of us got caught up in something, i know you would come through.” mark shoots you a disgustingly sweet smile before reaching over the table and squeezing your hand in thanks, sending a jolt down your spine. the other boys share looks, which you pointedly ignore. 

“you’re the best, y/n. you’re such a great friend, unlike some other guys i know,” he jokes but suddenly you don’t find it funny. 

friend? 

· • —– ٠ ⧗ ٠ —– • ·

at your apartment, you spend your (rare) free days lounging around and binging shows. but after that one encounter, you couldn’t resist a google search. who knew what the internet would pull up about spiderman? 

as you scroll down the search results, there’s doesn’t seem to be much on him. except for the fact that he saved countless lives and the authorities either seem to love or despise him. is there nothing about his personal life? the true identity of the spandex wearing hero? 

you stay up investigating (a normal for you, anyways) but there’s not much you can gather. maybe it’s a project you’ll have to investigate in your own free time. 

funny, how spiderman intrigued you. literally like two days ago, you cared less about him. but after seeing him in person, there was something off. you couldn’t pinpoint a certain thing like you usually could in test results and experiments- it’s almost like everything was so indistinct about him. 

you enter the building with an already half-drunk cup of coffee. your results yesterday night or rather this morning, proved to be fruitless, so you put your side project away for now. 

time to focus on more important stuff… like your team’s latest experiment. why jisung chose amoeba and the rest of you listened to him, you have no clue. 

while examining the latest specimen through your lens, you reach out for the next vial when mark lets out a tiny shout of your name. it’s too late and you partially knock into the beaker of boiling hot water instead of the vial. 

immediately, you yelp as some of the water splashes onto you and mark rushes to your side. he grabs your burned hand, and you feel your face growing hotter than your hand that literally just got burned by boiling water a second ago. 

“are you alright? how bad does it hurt?” he stares at you with such concern in his eyes, it throws you off. you think someone else asks a question in all the commotion, but you either tuned it out or imagined it. 

“oh-um- it doesn’t hurt that much yet,” you mutter helplessly and he frowns while inspecting your hand which was growing increasingly red. 

“come on, let’s get some first aid. it’s going to get worse if you don’t treat it quickly.” 

stunned by his sudden orders, you allow him to basically drag you out of the lab and to the lounge, leaving the rest of the guys to shake their head in disapproval of your idiocy. 

you didn’t even know there was a first aid kit under the kitchen sink, and you make a mental note to tell jisung the next time he causes an accident with that clumsy body of his. 

mark focuses intently on treating your burn, and you focus on not internally combusting at the sight of him caring for you. you really shouldn’t take it the wrong way- he literally addressed you as his friend not long ago, but you really couldn’t help it when his face was two inches away from yours. 

mark finishes with a light smile and scolding. you look down at the floor, half embarrassed and half ashamed. “i was being stupid and not paying attention to my surroundings… sorry for getting you involved in this,” you gesture to your newly wrapped hand. 

he shakes his head firmly. “i should’ve warned you about the hot water beforehand. it’s my responsibility to take care of you. just be careful from now on, alright? you almost gave me a heart attack,” he jokes and you appreciate the switch to a lighter atmosphere. 

“not as bad as the time chenle almost set the entire building on fire,” you add and he laughs. fuck, you couldn’t get enough of making him laugh.

you spend the rest of the afternoon in a daze, constantly fiddling with your wrapped arm and wondering how mark learned to treat burns. throughout the day it takes the others several repeats of your name for you to respond, and donghyuck sends you weird looks (which you ignore as usual). this causes you to stay behind for a little to catch up on your work, but you manage to finish soon after the others. 

locking the door to your lab, you casually stroll down the hallway before hearing familiar voices. you’re about to turn the corner and join in, but you stop when you pinpoint exactly whose it is. 

“i don’t know. i’m just way too busy nowadays.”

mark lee? 

“doing what? come on, are you sure? that’s what everyone says but-“

and a fucking piece of sh- you shake your head, donghyuck? 

“listen, dude. in my current situation, i will never be in a relationship. i just don’t want one, not now and probably not for a while- maybe even forever.”

standing there and overhearing just the tail end of the conversation, his tone of finality was weird- mark never sounded like that to others, especially to his friends.  

and more importantly, the meaning of his words hit you. mark’s single, and he he isn’t interested. not in you, and not in anyone. and there’s a chance that could be forever. 

you quietly grab your stuff and leave through the back entrance, not stopping to hear anymore or give your goodbyes to anyone. 

· • —– ٠ ⧗ ٠ —– • ·

you think the change in behavior is pretty obvious- to everyone including him. 

that night after you overheard mark and donghyuck’s conversation, you stayed up thinking. thinking, more thinking, probably overthinking. you felt numb replaying mark’s words over and over in your head. 

honestly, you should’ve expected it. why would mark be interested in you, anyways? 

and why were you interested in him? the more you thought about it, the more you tried to convince yourself that you didn’t want to be in a relationship either. 

your focus was on your studies, then your work, and it always had been (perhaps that was the problem). your parents raised you with high expectations and you did your best to fulfill them, not get sidetracked by gossiping friends and boys. 

you convince yourself that you’re officially on the track to get over mark, even when you know it’s useless. 

to help your wounded heart, you build an invisible barrier between you and him. sure, you still talk to him and hang out as friends, but the distance was there and the others saw. even if they did notice, no one said anything. you weren’t actually expecting mark to ask you if he did something wrong, looking disappointed and even a little hurt. 

you being you and not ready to tell him the truth, give the lame excuse of being stressed from work and life in general. which, in fact, wasn’t wrong. you had the unhealthy habit of shutting people out when everything got overwhelming. 

then the day of monthly presentation shows up, and doyoung wasn’t in a good mood. donghyuck and jisung take the day off, understandably, as faithful sons to their mothers. 

it’s just you, chenle, and mark. that was the plan- at least, until mark doesn’t show up at the planned time to present. no mark, no presentation, no excuse. 

luckily for your group, chenle was able to make up an impromptu presentation on the spot. it wasn’t good but it was something and you both left feeling somewhat accomplished of your spontaneous work. 

the messages sent to mark are left on delivered. you aren’t surprised. 

when you go to use the restroom before heading home, you faintly overhear your fellow coworkers mentioning spiderman and a prison breakout, couple of hours earlier- and you wonder if it had anything to do with mark’s disappearance. 

it’s only when you leave the building that you see the striking red and blue silhouette perched on the scaffolding next to the oscorp building. what was spiderman doing so close nearby?

most people wouldn’t have spotted him but you realized that you must’ve been gotten so used to seeing him that you subconsciously looked for him every time you left work. suddenly remembering the news from earlier, you clear your throat and approach the masked hero. 

“so…. prison outbreak tonight, huh?”

the figure almost starts as if surprised that you noticed him, and you stifle a laugh. “yeah, yeah. it’s all a part of the usual. new york things, you know.” you nod in agreement and spiderman jumps gracefully down to a lower perch, giving you a better view of him. 

“hey, um, y/n? right? i remember you from last time.”

your eyes widen in shock, you didn’t expect him to remember you but it leaves a satisfied feeling in your gut. “yes- that’s me. funny seeing you here outside my work place.”

he stiffens. “i-i see. this is where you work? 

you examine him in his entirety, never having been so close to spiderman before in the entirety of constantly seeing him on the news and now in front of you. you don’t grasp why you feel so comfortable in his presence. 

you look down, shoe scruffing the pavement. “do you, like, always have conversations with random people in the middle of the night?”

“you’re not a stranger,” spiderman protests, “i even know your first name.” he says it so proudly that you allow yourself to let out a laugh. 

“you’re cool, unlike some other guys i know,” he jokes and it takes a second to process his words before you feel your heart stop. no fucking way. 

no way- it sounded way too familiar to be true. it can’t be. 

but you’re really not stupid.

as all the possible conclusions run through your mind, you feel your heart begin to race- you need to get out of there. 

you clutch your stomach, suddenly woozy. “i-i need to go,” you weakly stutter, not even caring if he heard or waiting for his response before making a run for it. 

· • —– ٠ ⧗ ٠ —– • ·

you can’t sleep. 

and you don’t even know how to explain it, it’s like the missing puzzle piece is finally solved. everything finally makes sense now, and you don’t know if you’re relieved or angry or upset or feeling everything all at once. 

you sit up for the nth time, probably with horrible bed hair and bloodshot eyes.

mark lee is…

spiderman. 

thinking back through everything- from the first day you met him until now, statistically it does make the most sense. it has to be. there’s literally no other explanation or reasoning. 

and you hate yourself for figuring it out. after days of convincing yourself that mark wasn’t all that, that he wasn’t worth your time or feelings, that man was out saving the entire city. risking his entire life for people who don’t know and maybe don’t even care about him- people like you. or at least, until you figured out his identity. 

unless… it was just a complete strange coincidence. unless it wasn’t true and mark was just a part time asshole. but all the times he was “absent” or when he had all those unexplainable bruises, was it actually spiderman business? 

you silently scream, the urge to rip your hair out was so tempting at this point. your poor alarm clock reading 4:32 am acts as witness to your concurrent loss of sanity. 

you called bullshit on mark before, you just didn’t expect him to be such a fucking idiot. 

now that you know, or you think you know, you’re not quite sure what to do. do you… ask mark? no, you wave away dismissively with your hand- that would be stupid, especially if he wasn’t spiderman. 

you decide to pry it out of him. after all, the truth always came out. 

even if it was a little harder than expected. not to mention the fact that things were a little rocky between you and him. 

“hey guys,” you greet while walking into the laboratory. “still up for movie night? it’s been a while since we’ve all gotten together.”

the boys voice their agreement and you squint. this is your chance. 

“what about mark’s place?”

he turns to you, eyebrows raised in slight surprise. “m-mine?” you feign innocence, shrugging with extreme casualness. “i mean, why not? it’s been a really long time since we’ve met at your place.” 

jisung nods, “y/n’s right. i don’t even remember the last time we went to mark’s apartment.”  

“oh, i dunno. it’s super disorganized and messy… at least give me a chance to clean if you guys want to come over.” he scratches his neck and you let out a breath in disbelief. what was he hiding? 

and as much as you tried that night at his place, there were no signs of “spider” activity. 

the next couple of days at work, you bring spiderman up randomly, make spiderman jokes- 

“no offense y/n but it’s kinda like you’re obsessed with the poor dude. i thought you didn’t like him, what happened?” 

you roll your eyes, missing mark stiffening at donghyuck’s statement. “mind your own business, hyuck.” what you really wanted to say was, i think our friend is freaking spiderman. 

but every time you brought him up, mark barely even flinched. either he was really good or you were just being an idiot and your hypothesis was far from reality. 

you’ve just about given it up and called it a day with your whole spider-mark agenda when you exit from the back door of the building. sometimes you took the back way to avoid traffic (and creeps).

huffing out into the chilly air, you don’t even pay attention to your surroundings until shuffling in front of you catches your eye. 

it’s partially hidden by the shadow, but you think you can make out a person-

a shuddering gasp escapes you. 

mark, in all his glory, half changed into that familiar red and blue spiderman suit? 

you were so shocked you completely disregarded the fact that he was half-naked (and luckily for you it was the top half). the noise that sounded from your mouth alerts him, and he scrambles to face you. it looked too legit to be a fake cosplay. 

you gape at him, utterly shocked. no way your guess was actually correct? 

mark fumbles for words, while you find yours. 

“h-how long has this been going on?” you try to keep your tone even, but you feel your hands shaking. when mark doesn’t reply, only opening his mouth wordlessly and looking helplessly back at you, you cross your arms. 

“wow, thanks. great to know.” for some reason, you feel disappointment swirl inside you. you scramble to leave, mind and heart racing probably just as much as his was. 

the more you walked further from mark and the longer you thought about it, the more angry and frustrated you got. how long was he going to keep it from you guys? weren’t you- you swallow- weren’t you friends? didn’t he trust you guys? 

you wish you could feel angry, but that was never an emotion you directed towards mark lee. 

· • —– ٠ ⧗ ٠ —– • ·

the next morning, a lovely saturday morning, your doorbell rings. and it never does. 

groaning, you throw on a comfy nyu sweatshirt and attempt to tame your wild hair, you didn’t want to scare the person at the door. 

you freeze once you peek through the peephole. well, shoot. 

you dash halfway toward the bathroom in hopes of quickly fixing your appearance before thinking, what the hell, this is not the time for that. 

sucking in a deep breath, you open the door for the waiting person outside. you start off awkwardly, “hey…. mark.”

why is he here? you can barely function as he shoots you a sheepish smile, gesturing in towards your messy apartment. he lived in the apartment complex a block down from yours, so seeing him wasn’t uncommon. but in your current situation, you didn’t really expect mark to show up on your doorstep. 

“y/n- hey- i just, uh, wanted to apologize.” you almost choke. “to me? wait, no, what?”

he firmly places a hand on the doorframe next to you, leaning in like he was trying to trap you but there was plenty of space for you to back up into your place. you feel your heart skip a beat. not now y/n, you scold yourself. “listen, now that you figured…” he hesitates and you swallow, 

“now that you know, i realize i owe you an apology.”

you fall still. “im really sorry for not telling you. i haven’t told any of the other guys either, mainly because i’m a coward and didn’t want to see your reactions. but now,” mark shuffles around and his fluffy black hair falls into his eyes, “you know. and i feel a lot better that you do. that, at least someone else does.”

you don’t know what to say. suddenly, you understand him. how hard and scary it must’ve been doing like a five person job as one mere human, constantly in the fight for life or death. you reach for him, softly wrapping your arms around him. you pray he doesn’t notice your pounding heart but knowing mark, he probably did (except he was too nice to tell you). 

“it’s okay mark,” you murmur into his shoulder. “i forgive you and i won’t tell anyone if you don’t want. you don’t have to do this alone.” you note the action of his body slightly tensing before relaxing into your touch. 

you couldn’t help but stay up that night. just thinking. the fact that mark was glad you knew- you clutch your chest. it was stupid, you shouldn’t get your hopes up. you felt like a lovesick teenager again, having a secret just between the two of you. 

what you didn’t realize though, was that mark never planned on telling you. and that was obvious through how he acted towards you after you figured out he was spiderman. it was just that. nothing changed and mark acted as if nothing happened. and you didn’t know what to do. it’s like you raised your expectations to only get crushed again. 

you couldn’t even bring it up, ask mark more about his spider activities because he would always give you that “not here, now now” look. you felt like you were stuck in an empty room with no way out. if not now, then when? 

you asked him to hang out- no response or the ‘sorry, im busy’. and the rare times mark did accept, he was late. sometimes, didn’t even show. you understood his spiderman duties, but you thought conveyed your trust and support in him. isn’t that what he wanted? someone to lean on, someone to be there for him? 

or were you just delusional? 

· • —– ٠ ⧗ ٠ —– • ·

you needed some kind of answer, and if mark wasn’t around to spill, you would find the closest person. literally. 

tapping your pen on the desk, you turn around in your spinny chair to face the only other person in the room. 

“hyuck,” you whisper, tapping his shoulder. he grunts in response. you exhale, “can we talk?”

he doesn’t break focus on the lab reports in front of him, but you can tell he’s paying attention to you by the way his body is slightly turned your way. “depends on what.”

you huff, scooting closer to him. “it’s about mark.” that gets his attention. he sits up straight, eyes narrowing at you. “oh really?”

“not like that,” you respond in exasperation. “don’t you think,” you pause to reevaluate your wording, “that he changed? i’m asking you because you’ve known him way longer than i have, and to be honest i don’t even know him that well.” 

donghyuck raises an eyebrow. “um, sure? why are you-“

“don’t ask,” you interrupt, “just please think about it.” he frowns in contemplation, chair squeaking occasionally in his spot. 

“i guess he did. maybe around a year or two ago?” you let out a breath you didn’t even know you were holding. he continues, “it wasn’t anything major. mark is still basically the same mark i knew since we were young,” he adds and you nod. “it’s just that a couple of years ago he suddenly- how do i say this- withdrew within himself.” 

“you know about the bruises and stuff, but you might not know about his personality. he was still the same, but it felt like he wasn’t always there 100% anymore, you know? all of a sudden he became so private and busy, doing stuff he wouldn’t tell any of us about. he was either constantly late to our plans or didn’t even show up,” donghyuck muses. “and it’s not like we didn’t try to help. mark just insisted he didn’t need anything, it was some personal stuff that he just had to work through. he’s always been like that, brushing off our help.” 

“and you guys didn’t question it? maybe, try to like figure out what was going on?” you attempt to act as innocent as possible, shrugging and sending him a seemingly curious look. he sighs, rubbing the back of his neck. “of course we did try. but that man is so secretive we couldn’t get anything out to him. eventually we just gave up and things are as they are now. he seems okay and we trust him, so...”

you frown unconsciously. then how did you figure it out? to be honest, it didn’t look like mark was that good at hiding it…

you don’t know what to say. a silence fills the air before you clear your throat. “wow, i had no idea. thanks, hyuck.” he shoots you a weird look before nodding. 

“no problem, y/n.” 

· • —– ٠ ⧗ ٠ —– • ·

feeling nervous, you wait outside mark’s door, laptop and research papers in hand. on the contrary, it wasn’t your choice to work with him, it just randomly ended up with you two working together. ignoring donghyuck’s teasing, you and mark made plans to meet up today and get some work done. 

you frown. he hasn’t answered the door, you ring again. and then a third time. 

still nothing. you check the time, yeah it’s the right time you agreed to meet up at. 

you’re about to knock harder when you hear a sudden clamor, crashing and shuffling sounds coming from inside the apartment. “coming!” you hear mark’s faint voice. he sounded frantic, and tired. 

mark opens the door, and you’re greeted by his disheveled appearance. “hey,” he greets, breathless. you want to ask him if it had anything to do with spiderman, but fear holds you back. 

“hi?” he invites you in and allows you to get settled on the couch. “are you gonna sit?” you ask, watching him pick up messy tidbits scattered on his floor.  “yeah-yeah, give me a sec.” 

you open your laptop, starting your work. so far, things seem to be natural between you two and you’re not complaining. soon, mark sits across from you. thirty minutes go by, and when mark shifts for the hundredth time in his spot you let out an irritated sigh and shut your laptop screen. 

“how long are you going to pretend you’re okay?”

mark’s head shoots up, his large eyes blinking back at you. “w-what?”

shaking your head, you get up and stalk over to him. caught off guard, mark only watches as you softly place a hand on his chest and he lets out the tiniest hiss. 

your eyes flash. “you may be a good spiderman but you’re not a good actor, lee.” 

“im fine-“ he starts off, but you shoot a look and he shuts up. you soften, scooting a bit closer. “what happened, mark?”

he grimaces. “do you really want to see? i didn’t have much time since i kind of forgot you were supposed to com-“

you cut him off by asking for the location of a first aid kit. you assumed he had one, and of course you were right. letting out a sigh, you ask him to take off his shirt. you didn’t know much about first aid but…

“whoa- are you sure? it’s not-“

“just do it mark. you’re obviously in pain and im trying to help you.” 

hesitantly and slowly, mark peels off his shirt with your assistance. you barely hold back a gasp at the deep gash across his chest, decorated with bruises of all colors. 

“m-mark, who did this to you?”

he winces a bit at your touch, “i’ve been through worse, and really it’s best not to ask.” you help him lay down on the small couch, the fact that he was shirtless (and to be frank, ripped) was the last thing in your mind as you raced to figure out to treat it. 

while cleaning the wound, you couldn’t help but let curiosity win the upper hand. “does this happen every time? and you treat it yourself?”

mark shifts. “…yeah. sometimes it’s not as bad, and sometimes it’s worse. it always heals fast though,” he reassures. 

you shake your head in disbelief. “but still, how do you do this? and by yourself?”

he lets out a groan when you touch a sensitive part, and you quickly act to soothe him. 

“it’s hard,” he whispers some time after. “it’s a lot and i honestly don’t know how im doing it still. by now, i thought i would be de-“

“don’t say that,” you speak up sharply. he falls silent and you focus on treating the minor cuts and bruises last. 

without any prompting, mark tells you the whole story. how he got started working at oscorp, how he got bit and started as spiderman. you stay there and listen, through all of it. 

it’s not until hours later with lots of reassurance from mark and his supposed advanced healing? that you can finally get him to his bed and rest, wiping the sweat from his head and yours too. 

you sit at his side for a little, just watching the rise and fall of his chest. “i said this before, but you’re not alone.” 

he glances at you. “im here, and i can help. willingly,” you insist. he frowns, “what are you saying, y/n?”

you look around his room, seeing all his tech and data sprawled across the walls and all over the floor. so this is what it was like being spiderman. “i can help you. like, im pretty good at computer hacking and data...” you trail off, unconfident. mark tries to sit up but you won’t allow him. 

“mark, it’s clear you can barely do this alone. think about it, i could help you on the sidelines. obviously not in action because there’s no way i could do what you do, but wouldn’t it make what you do much easier? just like in the movies, isn’t there always like a sidekick?” 

he furrows his eyebrows. “are you trying to-?“ you look away, the sudden confidence fading. 

“no way, y/n! this is completely different, it’s not like the movies at all. being spiderman is a dangerous job, and im not going to get you involved in it!” 

you look away, clutching the edge of his bedsheets. “it’s really late and i have to go now. but mark, please think about it,” you offer before slipping away. 

you had no clue why you offered that. you never even thought of that before, it just kind of popped up in your head and came from your mouth without you realizing it. mark was right, it was stupid. why would you ever want to be spiderman’s sidekick? 

but the more you thought about it, the more you wanted to do it. you were the only one that knew about his secret, his struggles. you wanted to help him- help the people of new york. 

you didn’t want to be one of those people on the sidelines anymore, only watching and never doing. 

· • —– ٠ ⧗ ٠ —– • ·

mark thought you dropped the subject. he saw you at work the next day, as if nothing happened. he felt a lot better, thanks to you- even if he spent most of the night staying up due to what you said yesterday. 

mark believed you were actually crazy. who in their right mind would want to be a sidekick, much less of him, spiderman?

he brushed it off, but you didn’t. at lunch, you brought it up. whenever it was just the two of you, you asked him. and every time, he said no. it was getting annoying. you kept coming up with more and more reasons for you to help mark. to be frank, you were too smart for your own good. 

“listen y/n, no matter how foolproof you think your plan is, the risk is just too big,” mark emphasizes. he was getting tired of putting up a fight against you, and he was tired of how stubborn you were. 

you cross your arms. “but i thought of all the backup plans. if i stay in a safe place with access to help and turn off all tracking devices used to locate me.” mark pinches his nose bridge. 

“since when were you so technologically advanced?” 

“since when were you?” you counter. smiling, you pull up data on your phone and show it to him. “at your place that night, i might’ve snooped through some of your spider tech and analyzed it.” 

his eyes practically bulge. “you what?”

you shrug innocently. “it was really cool, the software was nothing like i’ve seen before, but i have some ideas. only….” you draw on, “if you let me help you.”

it was only then that mark learned you never stopped until you got what you wanted. 

· • —– ٠ ⧗ ٠ —– • ·

“what do you think?”

you sit at the makeshift desk, a messy and dysfunctional one, but at least it worked. you watch the big screen, following the familiar icon.  

“…it’s not so bad.” the voice grudgingly sounds through. you grin. “great! you can hear me. oh, and take the next left around the block. i think there’s some sort of incident on the corner- some reckless guys with guns.”

you hear unfamiliar sounds, probably mark swinging through the air as spiderman. you would never understand how he got used to that. “not too shabby, y/l/n.” 

“does that mean it’s official?” you basically tremble in your seat, holding your breath in anticipation. 

there’s a pause on the line. albeit the reluctance in his tone, you can almost see the smile on mark’s face, underneath the mask. “i guess so.”

you can’t help but silently cheer in your seat, feeling the excitement coarse through your veins. 

“im ready if you are, partner.”

release: july 4 2022

send an ask/dm to be added to the taglist!

[ridethehammett]

YAYYY INTEREST IN MY FAVORITE THINGS!!

linguistics!

for starters, i love studying languages! when i was younger (in 4th grade), i had memorized hiragana and katakana. as i got older, i started studying korean. i took french classes in middle and high school because my grandmother is from haiti, and isn’t connected with her culture anymore due to bullying when she came to the states. i wanted to keep it going, even if i’m not 100% haitian. korean was my number one, and i went to korea a couple weeks ago and was able to communicate with no problems! now, i’m studying spanish, japanese, french, portuguese, and others! while i study with the intent of becoming fluent, it doesn’t always work out but at least learning a little bit is always fun to me! i love learning about other cultures and their traditions!

magic & spiritualism!

i LOVE crystals and their benefits! i used to do some spell work a year or so ago, i should really pick it up again! i often study about it and love going to metaphysical shops!

music!

music basically controls my life LMFAO. it’s really something you’ll always catch me with whether it’s listening, watching video essays about music, etc. i love anything music related especially learning the stories behind different songs and albums and the creative mind of the artists. it’s something i love. i’m also trying to learn guitar as well, which hopefully turns out!

smoking…lmao

i love to smoke, that’s bad but i don’t care. 😭 when i have the resources i smoke when i can or take edibles or whatever. everyone always says i have my head up my ass and whatnot so it chills me out.

makeup!

i loooove doing makeup! i think i’m pretty good at it! i love trying new looks and styles! here’s some of my favorites!!

other ones lol:

shopping, goth stuff?, studying the 80s/90s/2000s, video games!

@iheartjameshetfield THANK YOU DEAR! 🩷

[thisselflovecamebacktome]

I've been meaning to make a post on the new legends game since the announcement, but have continuously had stuff come up so finally getting around to it now. Noting now that I've only seen very little (I'll mention what beneath the cut) about it so if any of this has been proven/disproven, my bad I guess lmao. But yeah, with that in mind, these are my very late night thoughts/predictions for the game.

So starting off I want to say that the only things I have seen on this game is the trailer and that apparently the whole game happens within Lumiose City. My kneejerk reaction to it happening purely in Lumiose was disappointment but then I took a step back and remembered that this will be Lumiose before it becomes the city we know from X and Y. Realistically I cannot see them making the areas of the game either 1. any smaller than Legends Arceus or 2. if they are smaller, have any less areas than Legends Arceus. Like with all the work they've done since Sword and Shield with bigger areas, I have faith that the sizing won't be an issue here.

Plot wise I am a little nervous, but I think a lot of that is just because there's so much that is unknown for now. Like tbh we don't even know if it'll have the same elements as Legends Arceus. Like for all we know it's a level by level game that once you finish a level, you can't go back because that part of Lumiose will have been built. Like I doubt that's the case, I imagine it'll be similar to Legends Arceus because they know that works, but we just don't know for sure yet.

Much like everyone else, I do hope Zygarde gets a proper story and tbh I don't want the A in the title to be another legendary (I do have a theory that instead of a new one, it may be Arceus but we'll see), but as long as it's written well, I will be happy. I also do wonder if the swords of justice will play a role given them being based on the 3 musketeers and feeling like they should be in Kalos.

More broadly plotwise, I am also super happy that Kalos was picked because tbh it's one of my least favourite games given how many missed opportunities I felt it had (likely due to the lack of a 3rd game) so I am excited to hopefully see those gaps be filled.

But yeah, overall I will say though, with Legends Arceus being my favourite pokemon game, it does have a lot to live up to, and that makes me anxious.

As I'm sure is the case with most people, my main hope for this game is that there are new mega pokemon (and regional forms). And tbh, I hope that any pokemon that already has a mega doesn't get a new one... maybe with the exception of Blastoise and Venusaur because it'd be nice for Charizard to not have the special treatment lmao. I don't really have any hopes for specific pokemon to get a new form or mega, maybe something I wouldn't usually use. Like I had never used Muk before Sun and Moon and now Alolan Muk is a top 10 pokemon ever for me.

Starter wise, my first guess is that they will pick all 3 from ones that aren't generation 6 or generations that were picked for Legends Arceus. Sprigatito, Sobble and Torchic were the first to come to mind, but I also have a nagging (affectionate) feeling that Squirtle may also be picked. If I'm right, I will likely pick Sobble because I've never done a runthrough with it, but if it is Squirtle and not Sobble, I really don't know because I've used all three of those pretty evenly. Then again, Lavender specifically came from another region iirc (did we ever talk about the implications of this? Like the 'Hisuian' starter forms may not actually be from Hisui if he brought them along from where he was from. Like I know pokemon says it's the area that determines the form but it takes years/generations to adjust so there's likely another region that had at least similar if not the same final forms as the Hisuian starters) so they could use that as a reason to finally give the generation 6 starters a mega and/or new final form.

And there is probably more but it's 1am here so those thoughts will have to wait for another time.

[knullanon]

l.d fic #1

ok everyone! heres the first part of that lex dad fic that i had written!

words: 1062

warnings: nothings i can find, tell me if yall find anything!

"How long do I have to wear this dress?"

"As long as the gala goes on, ___"

"Just call it a fancy party, or a luxurious gathering since its you-"

"Oh, do not get smart with me, ____"

Pulling at the top of your dress, you tried to loosen up the tightness of the neck area. It felt like a noose to you. Fortunately, the fabric was soft, extremely luxurious, and it covered every part of your body, excluding your hands and head.

Lex, on the other hand, was in some kind of fancy suit, that looked more expensive than the carpet in his penthouse. And his carpet was more expensive then your phone bill. Well, when you had a phone.

You didn't remember when he had found you, but you remember before. At least, bits and pieces of it. A home in a suburban neighborhood, a mom and a dad, a normal looking life for a kid like you. However, after a few months ago, it was far from normal.

You were given the finest things people would want in life, in return for… hanging out with lex luthor. It sounded weird at first, but you soon realized it wasn't a joke.

You werent treated as a prostitute, and not as a lover either: you weren't even legal. If you had to guess the relationship between you and Lex, it would have to be a father and daughter kind of relationship. Which also could explain why he wanted you to call him dad.

Back to this "gala", Lex actually would ban you from going to any party at all and left you with guards at all parts of the penthouse you were stationed at, sometimes even leaving you with Mercy.

You didn't really know why he was letting you go out to this gala, but you had a few ideas. For starters, this gala was not just for anyone, it was for extremely rich people who had nothing better to do then sit around in a room. Which also explained the reason why everything looked the price of a liver.

Another possible reason was that a close colleague of your "dad" had seen you walking around in the penthouse. You never saw who it was but Lex advised you to stay out of sight when people were visiting.

Fortunately he didn't get as mad as you expected him to which was a good thing to be honest. He wasn't the type to tell you, more just reprimand you in a voice that just spelt disappointment.

Anyway. It wasn't good to think of when he was angry with you. Right now you had to focus on the people who were trying to figure out who you were.

Sticking close to Lex was easy, since he was 6 feet tall. Easily. And the fact that people wouldn't approach you when you were next to him. Only the people who you actually recognized either from voice or appearance were brave enough to even look in your direction.

The night was almost over when a man approached the two of you. At this point your feet were getting sore and when you asked Mercy for the time, she responded that it was almost 12: lex would definitely send you to bed as soon as you got home again.

However, the man who approached the two of you was familiar. It only took a few seconds of going through your memories and seeing Lexs face turn to slight annoyance to realize this was Bruce Wayne.

He walked up to the two of you and smiled down at you.

"Well, I didn't know Lex had a child. What is your name?"

You were about to respond when Lex interrupted you. "Their name is ____. And unfortunately, we were just about to leave. I hope that whatever you were going to ask can wait until later?"

Wayne's smile faltered a little, before it turned neutral. "Unfortunately, no, but it is a quick question. And one that I need to speak with you in private?" He looked at you, before speaking again, "No harm meant."

You were about to respond again, when Lex motioned to Mercy. "Mercy, could you take ____ back to the limo? I will be just a moment- oh, and do not let her out of your sight."

Mercy nodded, and taking your hand, she led you back to the elevator where the entrance was. All while everyone was focused on the two of you.

Wayne was the first to speak. "She's not yours, is she?"

"____ is my daughter, and I hope you would have the decency to not spew this to the media. You don't seem the type of man to feed the media with info, especially not of a young girl."

Wayne looked offended, and didn't even try to hide it in his face. "No. If anything, I was wondering why you, of all people, would be taking care of a child."

Lex did not seem offended. "Oh, but you have so many children, I thought it was a necessity." Lex leaned in a little towards Wayne and whispered, "And to be quite honest with you, it is none of your concern."

Wayne simply glared at Luthor before Lex started moving away from Wayne.

"Well, I'm sorry to say but I believe I've kept ____ waiting for long enough. I'm afraid I must go."

He didn't wait for Wayne to say anything he simply stormed off to the elevator and left.

Wayne did nothing but walk over to the windows, where he was able to get a clear view of Mercy holding your forearm and opening the limo door while a few more guards stood near you. Lex appeared soon after with his own guards and ushered you in the car.

Lifting his hand towards his ear, he commmed his own children.

Whispering, he said "All of you better be following that limo when I get down there."

He heard Dick chuckle. "Oh, don't worry Bruce. I think the 4 trackers on that thing will be enough."

Bruce didn't say anything as he watched the limo drive off into the distance. Figuring it was time to dip, he left his wine glass empty at a table and left the room, trying to figure out who the strange girl he had just met was.

______

ok, so there was part one! hopefully yall dont mind that i put the read more thing on here, but i dont want to take up everyones dashboard lmao! next part soon!

[yakultberry]

kfc (kisses for christmas) ; c.sc

✪ summary: You’re unexpectedly single on Christmas Day, but you don’t want to spend it alone. At least you can count on the cute delivery boy to bring you fried chicken. ✪ pairing: chicken delivery boy!seungcheol x reader ✪ genre: fluffy fluff ✪ word count: 2.1k words  ✪ tags: @yutacrush​ thank you for beta reading for me i would like to marry you

✪ a/n: helllo binu here!! i am very excited to be posting my first fic on yakultberry c: this fic is actually part of @merakiiverse​‘s job au collaboration (will link after posting). i really have a lot of respect for everyone who writes straight up fluff, because ooooof did i struggle way more than i expected while writing this lmao hopefully it turned out okay and y’all can enjoy! <33 

[chicky delivery boy]: your order is 5 minutes away! 

At the arrival of the text, you scrambled out of your position on the couch and quickly began to clear away the dirty dishes on your coffee table and the used tissues that had accumulated over the course of the day. You weren’t quite sure what ghost of Christmas past possessed you to continue your annual tradition of binging cheesy holiday movies all day, but you supposed it was because you were at a loss for what to do at all. You had spent the last two Christmases with that asshole. It wasn’t like you could call up your friends to hang out with you today; no, they were lucky enough to have nice boyfriends who didn’t break up with them two months before the holidays. And you definitely weren’t going to go out on the town by yourself, only to be forced to watch all the happy couples cuddle close to each other in the cold. 

So here you were, alone in your apartment, waiting on your fried chicken to be delivered.

It seemed to be the one constant in your life amongst the aftermath of your chaotic break up. Whenever you made an order, it would arrive at your doorstep within thirty minutes, always warm and always comforting. Although you wouldn’t quite say that Joy’s Chicken was the best chicken restaurant in the area (the family-owned joint two blocks over was definitely much tastier), it still managed to become your go-to after the delivery person from the family restaurant got lost on their way to your apartment for the third time. That, and once your order had arrived on your doorstep, brought to you by a dimpled, dark-haired delivery boy, you quickly decided that the restaurant had its own charms.

“Coming!” you called out to the gentle knock at the front door, skipping across your living room to reach it. After checking your reflection in the mirror hanging in the hallway, you swung the door open, smiling brightly. “Finally, I’m starving-- what happened to you?” 

“Hello to you too, sweetheart,” the boy said with a chuckle, voice muffled by the scarf wrapped tightly around his face. You reached over to pull down the scarf to reveal that he was smiling back at you, though you did note that his lips were pale and his teeth were chattering. The thick, puffy coat he wore could only do so much when he was covered with a snow from head to toe. You watched as some of it crumbled off of his shoulders when he shuffled to take your food out of an insulator. Today, the box had a cute little bow stuck to the top of it.  “Merry Christmas! This is for you.” 

You took the bag from his hands, but, as usual, you didn’t close the door right away. “Seungcheol, you look like a marshmallow.” 

“Wow, I take it you didn’t get a present for me?” He leaned against your doorframe, a pout now on his lips. “I wish I was a marshmallow. Then I could jump into some hot chocolate and finally feel warm. It’s been snowing non-stop out there since 7PM.” 

At this, you felt a small twinge of guilt for being one of his orders tonight, especially knowing that Seungcheol would often make your deliveries by foot since you didn’t live too far from Joy’s. “Does your shift end soon at least?” 

“Yeah, we’re closing a little earlier today since the boss has Christmas plans! You’re actually my last delivery for tonight.”

“Oh well, if that’s the case,” you said tentatively, stepping to the side. “Would you like to come in for some hot chocolate before you have to head back into the storm? It’s the least I could do since I did forget to get you a present.”

The boy’s eyebrows shot up in surprise, but his grin remained, albeit a bit amused. Now some would say that inviting some random guy into your apartment just because you didn’t want to be alone on Christmas was probably not the best idea, but Seungcheol was definitely not just some random guy. Every Friday for the past eight or so weeks, Seungcheol had arrived at your doorstep with a box of chicken with your name on it. He probably came by more frequently than your regular friends now that you really thought about it. After the first couple of times he delivered, he decided to introduce himself to you since he thought it was unfair that he already knew your name and you only saw him as the guy that brings your chicken (which wasn’t entirely true-- you saw him as the cute guy that brings you your chicken). 

“Unless you have your own Christmas plans to get to, of course,” you quickly added. Admittedly, your conversations with Seungcheol only ever extended to silly banter, so there was no telling what his life was like beyond the threshold of your doorstep. For all you knew, he could very well have a get together planned with his friends or a dinner with his family. Or a date with a girlfriend. 

“I mean, I was planning on watching Die Hard by myself again, but I think I can be a little late for that,” Seungcheol mused playfully. You couldn’t keep the wide smile from spreading across your lips as you moved back to allow him to step into your apartment for the first time. He took off his shoes and shrugged off his thick coat before following you to your small kitchen. 

“Don’t worry, I won’t keep you too long,” you said, and reached over him to grab two mugs from a cabinet. 

“I mean, you can keep me for as long as you like,” he shrugged, but you were quick to catch the mischievous twinkle in his eye. You suddenly realized that this was the closest you’ve ever stood together and turned away to begin preparing the hot chocolate in the hopes of hiding how flustered you felt. 

“Anyway uh--” you cleared your throat, but it was proving difficult to think up a conversation starter when you could feel Seungcheol so close. You chanced a glance over at him, noting how he was still rubbing his hands together and shuffling in his spot to warm himself up. “Oh no, you must be freezing.”

He shook his head, but you could see how the snow that had clung to his clothes was slowly melting and soaking into the fabric of his hoodie. “I’m fine. Though I’m definitely not as warm as you.” You followed his gaze down to the festive pajama set you had been wearing all day, which was patterned with reindeers and sleighs, and you reached over to shove at his chest lightly. 

“I was doing laundry and this is all I had!” Your voice can barely be heard over the boy’s gleeful snickering. It was now your turn to pout at him. “You know what, it’s actually really bad to stand around in cold, wet clothes. You might get sick. And lucky for you, since I am such a caring person, I have precisely the outfit that will save you from such a fate.”

“Oh no, that’s fine--”

Before he could finish, you had already whisked away to your room and returned with a folded set of pajamas that clearly matched your own. You gave him a cute little smile as you handed it to him. “No, I insist! I’ll even put your wet clothes in the dryer so that you can properly get nice and warm.” At this point, Seungcheol narrowed his eyes at you. “What?”

“You just happened to have couple pajamas at the ready?” Seungcheol hummed. “Seems like you were planning this for a while now, sweetheart.” 

“What, no! I got them on sale last year!” 

“Mm, a likely story,” he said, ducking away just in time to avoid your poke attack. Despite his teasing, he still asked you where the bathroom is, and you nearly let out a long sigh when he’s out of sight. Your heart felt like it was about to burst from your chest, but you weren’t quite sure why. Were you nervous? Scared? If you were honest, everything about Seungcheol put you at ease; plus, nothing about your interactions with him changed other than proximity. So why did you feel so sheepish when he teased and joked around like he always did?

While he was changing, you finished preparing the hot chocolate, topping them off with some whipped cream, and brought your mugs and your box of chicken into the living room. A small window in your apartment showcased the sky outside, which was dark and dotted with heavy sheets of snow, contrasting with your living room’s warm glow from the light of your small Christmas tree. It made you feel perfectly cozy, especially with the hot cup of cocoa in your palms. 

“Ta-dah! How do I look?” Seungcheol announced, walking out to you. The sight of him grinning at you goofily and clad proudly in the matching pajamas only made the fuzzy more prominent until it made your smile just as wide as his. There it was again-- that perplexing heart beat of yours. It accelerated as he came to take a seat beside you on the couch. 

“A lot warmer!” You handed him his hot chocolate. “Here is the promised beverage. Merry Christmas, Seungcheol.” 

“I was hoping to hear something more along the lines of ‘blindingly handsome’,” he sighed out dramatically, taking a sip of his drink. Immediately, his eyes lit up. “But I’ll let it slide this time, because this is delicious.”

A small giggle slipped past your lips as you watched him drink his hot chocolate with gusto, and when he reemerged from behind his mug, you couldn’t hold back a loud snort seeing how his top lip was decorated with a proper mustache of white cream. You nearly fell over from laughing so hard at his confused expression

“What? What is it?” he asked, his eyebrows furrowing. Between your bursts of laughter, you managed to point at his lips. He reached up and playfully clenched his jaw when he felt the cream covering his mouth. “Oh, you it’s that funny, huh?” He swiped up some of the remaining whipped cream in his mug onto his finger and reached over to place it on your nose. 

“Hey!” You scrunch your nose. For a moment, the two of you simply looked at each other before bursting into another fit of giggles. “You’re Santa Claus and I’m Rudolph.”

Still chuckling, Seungcheol grabbed a tissue from your coffee table and wiped at his lips, then cleaned off the dollop he had placed on your nose. Your laughter subsided at how such a simple action also felt so intimate. You did your best to avoid his twinkling gaze if only to calm yourself.

 “You know, when I took on the responsibility of warming you up, I wasn’t expecting you to be such a handful,” you admitted jokingly, though some parts of you meant it. Namely your easily excitable heart.

“Oh yeah? Well, I wasn’t expecting you to take so long.” 

You turned to face him once again. “I gave you fresh pajamas and some hot chocolate! You’re still not warmed up?”

“They’re not taking effect fast enough!” he insisted with another of his infamous pouts. 

“Then do you know a faster way?” you asked and almost instantly, Seungcheol expression changes, but this time it’s not a mischievous smile or a childish pout. It’s something softer, gentler. 

“Mm, I might know a quick way to warm up. Do you want me to show you?” he asked. You blinked, gaze meeting with Seungcheol’s eyes as he patiently waited for your reply. Despite the somersaults you felt in your chest, you were now more sure than ever that you didn’t feel nervous. Upon the realization what the feeling really was, your lips easily melted into a soft smile, and you gave him a nod. Without another moment’s hesitation, he leaned over to you and delivered a sweet, chaste kiss on your cheek.

The effect was instantaneous: Seungcheol’s ears were the first to go red as his entire face heated up. “I can’t believe I just did that,” he groaned out, covering his blushing face. “That was so cheesy!” 

“I thought it was cute!” you assured him, but your laughter does nothing to ease his cringing. 

“Don’t look at me for five minutes!” he whined.

“Seungcheol really, it’s okay!” 

“Just eat your chicken or something!”

[sunnywritesstuff34]

Working

hello! It is time for more Boruto AU, with Sasuke this time! @ghostjellyfishheart was excited for this, so enjoy lmao. I apologize in advance for this. Just. Disregard the choppy transitions. Tune in next whenever for Boruto being incredibly confused by Sasuke and trying to figure out how to adjust to living in his house. It’s incredibly awkward. Can’t wait. 

(TW and CW for: unconsciousness, coma, critical injuries, tired Sasuke Uchiha, angry Boruto, probably ooc Kakashi and like six other ooc people, death, parental death, possible parental death, cursing, the Uchiha Massacre, one night stands, Sasuke is trying very hard okay he’s doing his best, both of them are good dads because I wanted them to be okay?)

Sasuke Uchiha was angry. No, scratch that, he wasn't angry, he was pissed. He was furious. He was beyond angry, he had reached the peak of anger and transcended to another plane, and that was something he didn't even think possible. For starters, it's not like his day was going well to begin with. Kakashi had stuck him with way too much to do, endless goddamn paper work. Apparently sharingan was mostly for battle, because it really didn't do shit when it came to focusing. And it's not like his paperwork wasn't important, it was. He had to review a series of reports from high profile shinobi on their teams and the work of their teammates, so and so and so and so, it was always something. 

In all honesty, he had signed up for this. Well, okay, he didn't sign up for it, but he agreed to it. After Naruto’s disappearance Sasuke was just about ready to throw himself into as many dangerous situations as far from Konoha as possible, but no. He didn't know whose idea it was, maybe Tsunade’s, maybe Sakura’s, maybe Kakashi came up with it all on his own, whatever. Now he was working as Kakashi’s right hand man (and shadow in a lot of ways) and, in his own word’s, the Hokage’s “Don't Be Stupid And Callous And Hurt People For The Greater Good Because It Really Didn't Go Well Last Time” reminder. He really was doing good work, he caught multiple oversights and made sure to hold Kakashi to his word about the decline of execution, especially for missing-nin. He nearly punched Ibiki in the nose about sixteen times for being ridiculous, but what the hell did he expect? Changing things on a fundamental level and rebuilding at the same time were hard, it was pretty tempting to fall back on old methods. It was largely Sasuke’s job to prevent that from happening, and he was really good at doing it without murdering anyone, surprisingly (though he came close a couple of times.) The destruction of the Foundation was extensive and incredibly difficult, and it was surprising to pretty much everybody except for Sasuke just how deeply corrupted the village was. They were also changing up Anbu, though that was still an ongoing process. Sai helped quite a bit in the destruction of the Foundation, and helped develop some sort of rehabilitation for people indoctrinated into it like him. He was very passionate about it, something that Sasuke totally understood. It was personal. 

All things considered, there were two reasons that Sasuke didn't cut and run as soon as Naruto wasn't around to keep him anchored any more. The opportunity for bettering Konoha and the shinobi world as a whole and… well… Sarada. Sasuke and Sakura had Sarada around the same time that Naruto had Boruto with Hinata (say that ten times fast) albeit in a less… graceful manner. Naruto and Hinata had a child after getting married due to mutual affection, and Sasuke and Sakura had a child because of… well, a one night stand. 

In hindsight, though it hadn't worked out with Sakura, he was grateful to have Sarada. She was a sort of anchor that kept him from running yet again, especially seeing as Sakura was busy running the hospital/teaching the next generation of medical nin/finding new techniques for medical advancement and health/going on a mission every once in a while. She was also, you know, his daugther, and he loved her. Sakura’s parents had a fit when they found out, and they had an even bigger fit when they realized that the two of them weren't getting married any time soon. If Sakura had decided that a marriage was best, Sasuke likely would have gone along with that. What else was he supposed to do? It wouldn't be fair to her, especially in the eyes of traditional families and clans. Sakura, of course, was having none of that, and Sasuke was incredibly relieved. Sasuke had raised his daughter for the most part, and he loved her more than anything, but it was clear to anyone with eyes that Sasuke Uchiha wasn't necessarily the image of “perfect father.” At first, he thought of Sarada as an ambiguously important responsibility, as cold as that sounded. But then she was born, and she had legs and arms and a brain and feelings, so of course he became attached. Actually, she was sixteen at that point, and she had become an excellent kunoichi. In fact, she was taking the jounin exams soon, which Ashina might be too if Naruto had stayed. Speaking of Naruto…

Sasuke had no idea why he was surprised. It seemed that no matter where Naruto was or how many years it had been since they'd seen each other, he would always, always be a pain in the ass. That would never change. Of course Naruto would show up with his children in the Forest of Death. Of course he would do it while Sasuke was swamped with work and trying to help his daughter prepare for the exams. Of course, of course, of course. Not that he was complaining (he was), at least not in the long run. It was better that Naruto come back eventually, but twelve entire years? That was a long time. A very long time, with no explanation. Just to show how thoroughly Sasuke was swamped, he heard the news in the middle of an incredibly important meeting with the daimyo and Kakashi. That didn't stop him from rushing to the hospital anyway, but it was inconvenient. Whatever, Kakashi (the damn slacker) would probably survive without him. Ino arrived distressed and covered in blood, only to deliver the message of a lifetime. Kakashi pretended not to care, especially since he was in the middle of a meeting and Naruto was technically a missing-nin. But he did care, obviously, he was just very good at compartmentalizing. Sasuke was too, but Naruto and Sarada seemed to be the only exceptions to this rule. So, he took off without explanation and rushed like hell to the hospital, because Ino said that Naruto had been in critical condition. The idiot always managed to get hurt somehow, but if he died before Sasuke got to chew him out for vanishing, he would resurrect the bastard so he could pound him into the dirt. Or hug him and never let go. It was a toss up, either one. Sasuke’s chakra was flashing dangerously, and it made everyone around him nervous, but at this point he could care less. The Uchiha opened the doors to the hospital and rushed to the front desk, but he was intercepted by an exhausted looking Ino.

“Where is he?” Sasuke blurted, and she glared at him momentarily.

“I'll tell you where, but it's not that simple Sasuke, you can't just rush in there-”

“Tell me where he is,” Sasuke growled. 

“Sasuke-”

“Ino why can't you just-”

“Sasuke Uchiha!” she shouted in a way that sounded suspiciously like the few memories he had of his mother. He blinked. “Would you listen to someone for once in your entire goddamn life? God, you're just as frustrating as Sakura said you were. Naruto is stable for now, but he’s in comatose. Hopefully he’ll survive. But his kids are sitting in the room with him, and if you storm in there all furious, you'll scare the shit out of them. If you have to go in there, do it slowly and calmly. And Shikamaru says they go by Boruto and Himawari, not Ashina and Natsu. They must have changed their names at some point. Either way, you need to calm down.” Sasuke paused, because (damn her) Ino was right. He had to calm down. He was pretty threatening on his own, but to these kids, who were already worried about their father? He collected himself briefly as Ino sighed. “He’s asleep in room 306. Please be careful.” 

“Thanks, Ino,” he managed before practically launching himself past her. Just before he turned down the hall, he paused. “And Ino,” he called over his shoulder. “If Neji comes by… tell him to go to hell.” With that he was off. The room wasn't hard to find, and he threw the door open. It was a private room, no other beds except the one where Naruto lay. He sucked in a breath when he saw him, because it had been so long and frankly the man looked terrible. His breathing was shallow and he was way too pale, but he was alive. God, he was alive, at least he was alive. Sasuke could hardly believe it. Naruto was alive, and he was here. He was so caught up in his own head that he didn't notice the two children sitting by the door until he turned around to face them. He froze in place as an awkward silence settled, and the first thing he could think was oh my god, he looks just like him. Ashina- no, Boruto, looked just like Naruto used to, he was nearly identical except for Boruto’s eyes being a slightly lighter shade of blue. There was a girl sitting next to him that looked alarmingly like Hinata, and she was watching him with more curiosity than defensive aggression like her brother. 

“And who the hell are you?” Boruto demanded. Sasuke blinked. 

“I um. I am an old friend of Naruto’s. I- I had to see him. My name’s Sasuke Uchiha.” 

“Boruto- Boruto Namikaze,” the kid explained begrudgingly. Sasuke sat down in one of the chairs against the wall, a few away from Boruto and Himawari so that Boruto could watch him from a safe distance. He’d picked up a thing or two about skittish children in his time, and he figured the best course of action was to remain passive until Boruto let down his guard. Like an unruly cat that hisses whenever you get too close to it. 

“What… what happened?” Sasuke asked, trying to start a conversation in a totally subtle way. Boruto winced and hesitated, almost looking… guilty.

“We got ambushed. That's all. He tried to keep us safe and it didn't… It's complicated.”

“Ah,” Sasuke muttered. “Right. Naruto is my friend, I've known him since we were kids. He’s always one for reckless endeavors.”

“Sometimes,” Boruto conceded. “I guess. He’ll… he’ll be okay. He has to be.”

“He will,” Sasuke assured him before he could stop himself. “He’s strong. Sakura Haruno is one of our top medical nin, she's not here right now, but she should be back from her mission soon, and she especially will be when she knows that Naruto is here. He's very important to us.” Boruto glanced over at him, tearing his eyes from his father. 

“How did you know him?” he asked tentatively. Sasuke smiled without realizing it. 

“He's my best friend. We went to the academy together, we fought in the Fourth Shinobi War. He was always there. He’s important to all of us, before he… before he left.” Boruto looked away nervously. 

“Right,” he muttered. “Of course, that makes… that makes so much sense. I mean, I always wondered how he learned ninjutsu, I guess- I guess it makes sense for him to be from a Hidden Village. I just never…” Sasuke stared at him for a moment.

“He never told you?” Boruto shook his head and traded a glance with Himawari. 

“No. He never talked about anything from before we were born. I never asked because it just… made him sad, I guess. I didn't like making him think about it.” Sasuke nodded numbly. Did he regret it, he wondered silently. Did he regret leaving? Did he ever think about coming back? The door opened just then and Boruto tensed again, whipping his head to the door. Kakashi stood in the doorway with Sai behind him. 

“Hello. It seems Sasuke made it here first.” Boruto eyed him warily, moving closer to his sister. Kakashi took one look at the bed and then looked away, trying to not think about it for the time being. He turned his attention to Boruto instead.

“Well Boruto Namikaze, it looks like we have a lot to talk about. But it's been a long day for you two, and I think we’d best keep the hard conversations for tomorrow, hm?” Boruto must have read that as a threat because he bristled at the words, and Sasuke silently wondered how, despite years and years and years of experience, Kakashi never got any better at learning how to speak to children. Sai watched pensively, like an owl, tilting his head. Sasuke could understand Boruto’s nerves, especially considering the company he was in. Sasuke silently cursed Sakura for leaving at the worst time possible, but he knew it wasn't her fault. 

“You should try and get some sleep tonight, we’ll probably have more information on Naruto’s condition in the morning. Don't worry, Sasuke’s house is comfortable.” Sasuke shot to his feet.

“What?” he demanded. Kakashi looked at him lazily.

“Oh yeah, sorry about that. I think it'd be best for the two of them to stay with you for the time being. You have a child of your own, and lord knows I wouldn't trust anybody else to do it. Sorry Sasuke, I promise i'll pay you overtime. I can have somebody else handle your paperwork for a few weeks.” Sasuke blinked as the children looked between the man and his teacher. Finally, the Uchiha gritted his teeth.

“Of course, Hokage-sama,” he growled. “It would be an honor.” Kakashi nodded.

“See? It's not that complicated. I have business to attend to, I'll have a conversation with you tomorrow, Sasuke.” With that he was gone, and Sasuke found himself alone with two children. Two. he had his hands full with one, and now he would have to take care of three. And they were Naruto’s children, lord only knows what they would get up to. 

“Um,” Sasuke started. “I… I suppose… we should go… home.” Boruto hesitated before standing, tossing one glance over his shoulder at his father before walking out the door. Please wake up soon, Naruto Sasuke thought silently. But there were a few things Sasuke didn't realize at the time, and wouldn't for weeks. Naruto wouldn't be waking up, at least, not at first. 

Kyuubi would. 

[liesyousoldme]

the last WIP of eddie month! i saved the longest for last (it’s over 11k words lmao) and hopefully you all enjoy it even though it’s forever unfinished. this was meant to be my big bang fic and then life happened and i was never able to finish it - it even has a few plot points outlined at the end (but even those don’t take you to the actual end of the story, oop). anyway, happy eddie month everyone!

this was a fun experiment in which i combined my favorite parts of each canon - book, miniseries, and movies - into one weird amalgamation that probably only makes sense to me. there is canon-typical violence, homophobia including slurs (henry bowers), and mentions of suicide (stan lives, but it was close).

“Eddie?”

He groaned out loud, turning his computer monitor off and turning in his desk chair.

“Yeah, Ma?” He shouted.

“Eddie come down here, please,” she said, her voice traveling up the stairs. He rolled his eyes and left the home office and found her standing at the bottom of the stairs. He stood on the landing at the top, looking down at her. “Down here, Eddie.”

He fought the urge to roll his eyes again as he took the stairs two at a time.

“Eddie, stop that! You know how dangerous that is! What if you fell and broke a leg? You know how easily bone fragments travel, Eddie, you know –“

“Yeah, Ma, I know,” he answered, ignoring her demand. “What is it?”

“I wanted to let you know you have plans on Friday evening,” she told him, beady eyes staring into his own. He walked past her, squeezing by to get through the hallway and into the kitchen. It was about time for dinner anyway, he told himself, might as well make something while he was here.

“And what plans would those be, Ma?” He asked, assuming he had to take her to bingo or the pharmacy or the emergency room. 

“You’ll be taking Vicky Beck to dinner.”

He turned to look at her, eyebrow raised. “Who?”

“Vicky Beck, dear,” she repeated, as if saying the name again would stoke the embers of his memory. He just looked at her blankly. She sighed, annoyance radiating off of her as she plopped down into a chair at the kitchen table. “She’s Marjorie’s daughter, Eddie. Very nice girl. Around your age, too. She’s a receptionist at one of the local doctor’s offices. I gave Marjorie a photograph of you to show her – she’s very interested.”

“No,” he said without making eye contact. He used the excuse of taking out ingredients for dinner from the pantry and refrigerator to not look at her. “I’ve told you so many times, Ma, I don’t want to date. I’m not interested.”

“Oh, Eddie,” she frowned. “I just worry! Who’s going to take care of you when I’m gone? Your health is so delicate, someone needs to be there –“

“I’m an adult, I can take care of myself,” he told her, pouring tomato sauce from a can into a pan. 

“Clearly you aren’t if you think it’s okay to use canned sauce, young man!” Sonia said, standing and smacking his hand. He huffed, putting his hands up and stepping away. “You don’t even know what’s in the disgusting preservatives they use, this stuff is full of chemicals, you’ll get cancer if you eat too much of this. I’ve told you so many times to stop buying things like this. You think you’re an adult but you don’t know, you need someone to steer you right, you make terrible decisions when no one’s around to stop you…”

“Buying canned sauce is a terrible decision? I’m the one that pays for the groceries, Ma! I should get to choose what I buy!”

She glared at him. “Edward, I’m not in the mood for your foolishness. When you stop purchasing cancer and bringing it into our home then we can talk. In the meantime, you will be going out with Vicky Beck on Friday evening. You’re too old to be alone, Eddie. My own health is beginning to falter, you’re going to need someone to take my place when I pass.”

He blinked at her. “You want me to find a woman to be my new mother when you die?”

“Do not use that tone with me, young man!”

“I’m 20, I hardly think I need to be taken care of by a surrogate mom!”

“Eddie,” she said, placing a sweaty hand on his cheek. He could smell the stench of her perfume and he did his best not to wrinkle his nose. “You have always been so… strong-willed. So full of ideas. And that would be okay, were you not sick. But you are sick, Eddie. Your delicate immune system can’t handle what others can… I’ve spent your whole life making sure you don’t go too far, to get yourself sick or hurt. And that’s what I’m doing now, with Vicky. I’m protecting you, because you need protection. No matter how hard you try to fight it, it’s the truth. So. You will see Vicky on Friday, take her to an early lunch after church on Sunday, another dinner next Wednesday, and she’ll be your girlfriend in a week’s time.”

He knew his horror was evident on his face but he couldn’t do anything to stop it. “That’s ridiculous, Ma, you can’t pick out a girlfriend for me! I don’t even want a girlfriend! And you know, just because I have asthma doesn’t mean I need protection from the big bad world, okay? I take my meds and I use my inhaler and that’s all I need! I don’t even need you! All you do is smother me, and force me into things I don’t want, so –“

“You stop that right now –“

“You know what?” He said, a burst of adrenaline-fueled courage shooting through him. He left the kitchen and started back up the stairs. “I’m leaving. I can’t stand it here anymore.”

“Eddie!” She screamed, and he knew the crocodile tears were starting. He ignored them as he grabbed a suitcase and began to pack everything that would fit.

*

Twenty-six year old Eddie Kaspbrak answered his phone, wincing when his mother’s voice came through the tinny speaker.

“Eddie? Eddie!”

“Yes, Ma, it’s me,” he said, barely containing his annoyance.

“Eddie you have to come home,” she said, sniffling. “I’ve been put in a wheelchair, Eddie, I can’t get around like I used to. I need help, you need to come home and help me.”

He sighed, massaging his temples as he felt a stress headache blooming behind his eyes. He eyed the medicine cabinet in the kitchen that held the Advil. “I’ll hire an in-house nurse, Ma, how’s that?”

“No!” She shouted, leaving him cringing. “Those nurses don’t know what they’re doing, Eddie, they’re the rejects that the hospitals and doctors offices won’t take, and I refuse it!”

He looked around his small house. He had a spare bedroom downstairs, and he supposed it wouldn’t be too difficult to add a ramp to get through the front door. With a little bit of self-hatred settling in his stomach, he said, “I’m not coming home, but you can come live with me.”

*

“You’re 32, right?” Angela asked, her fingers running through the condensation on her glass. Eddie nodded, only thinking about how disgusting it was that she wasn't using a straw. (Dishes and silverware and cups at restaurants are breeding grounds for disease, Eddie, his mind mother reminded him.) “So what are you doing living with your mom?”

He huffed. “My mom lives with me, there’s a difference.”

Angela raised an eyebrow at him.

“I take care of her. She’s old and sick, she needs help with just about everything.”

“You know…” Angela trailed off, glancing around the room. They sat in a small booth in the corner of an Olive Garden only twenty minutes from Eddie’s house. He wasn’t about to pull out all the stops for a date with yet another girl his mother set him up with. “You’re not a very good date.”

His eyes widened. “Excuse me?”

She laughed a little. “I mean, sure, you’re cute, but… Nobody wants to date a guy in his thirties who lives with his mom. You probably should save that bit of information until like, date three, at least. You won’t look me in the eye, and it makes me a little nervous because you don't seem to have a problem making eye contact with anyone else. Everything about your body language screams that you don’t want to be here. With me, specifically.”

“Do you do this on all your first dates?” He asked, offended.

“Just the bad ones,” she answered. “You know, the ones with men.”

He choked.

“Oh, come on, dude, look at me,” she said, gesturing to herself. Eddie frowned; he thought her flannel and boots looked comfortable. “This look is about as gay as you can get. My mom can’t accept it; she's constantly setting me up. Usually I tell her no but she showed me a picture of you and… well, I just had to find out what your deal is.”

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” He asked. His face was hot.

“Eddie,” she said in a voice meant for a young child. “Your mom has a lot in common with my mom. I mean, I hate to assume, but I can almost guarantee that, just like mine, your mom is sending you on dates with the opposite sex as a very clear nudge in the right direction.”

He gaped at her, unable to form words.

She laughed, but this time it was a bit more sympathetic. “Did you not know?”

He shook his head, then reached into his pocket to take a hit on his aspirator. She raised an eyebrow but didn’t comment.

“Well, whether you are or aren’t, your mom thinks you’re gay.”

“Fuck,” he whispered to himself, heart pounding against his ribcage. “I don’t – what? Why?”

“I mean, you’re a single 32 year old, for starters. I’m assuming you’ve never had a girlfriend. Had any boyfriends you kept secret? She probably would’ve caught on.”

“I’m not – I’m not –“ He couldn’t bring himself to say the word. Angela’s expression was changing quickly from one of amusement to one of pity. She opened her mouth to say something when the waiter stopped at their table, placing their food in front of them. They began to eat in silence (Eddie had already sanitized his knife and fork), and when they started to talk again, neither of them brought it back up.

*

There weren’t enough people for a funeral so instead they had a simple graveside memorial service in the Bangor Cemetery. One of his aunts spoke through crocodile tears so much like hers about what a good mother Sonia had been, and Eddie’s eyes stayed dry.

After, he met his three aunts at a café for a small lunch, and they got onto him when he didn’t order salad. They got onto him because he didn’t cry during the service. They got onto him for constantly keeping his poor mother in a state of such stress. They got onto him for leaving her for New York in the first place. They got onto him for not being married at 35, for not giving his mother grandchildren before she died.

He nodded and kept his mouth closed.

*

There was a method to his madness, he’d swear by it. Vitamins in the morning, followed by an anxiety pill if he needed one (he always needed one), followed by breakfast, which usually consisted of eggs (he enjoyed variety, so he made his eggs differently each day of the week – Wednesday was scrambled) and wheat toast with margarine spread on one side, the crusts cut off (the crusts are too easy to choke on, his mother’s voice said from inside his head), and then brushing his teeth. He got dressed, checked his email and the weather on his phone (a sunny day, cloud-free (but you never know, storms can just crop up out of no where – best bring your boots and rain jacket and umbrella just in case, you wouldn’t want to catch a cold and end up with pneumonia just because the weather forecast was wrong) and cool), and stepped out the door of his Queens apartment.

He walked to his stop and got on the subway, used an antibacterial wipe to clean the place where his hand would be holding onto the rail (his mind mother reminded him how easy it was to catch something that way – all you have to do is rub your nose, Eddie, and suddenly you’re sick with whatever the germ-infested subway rider that stood there before you had), and held onto his phone for the 30 minute ride. He exited at the financial district and walked for 2 minutes to his office building. He used the stairs to get to the eleventh floor (take the elevator, Eddie, you don’t want to aggravate your asthma) because he liked the slight burn in his legs by the time he made it to his floor. He stopped in the bathroom to wash his hands (you have to wash your hands, Eddie, you have to), said hello to Brianne at the front desk, and sat in the chair in front of his computer in his cubicle.

The work day tended to be boring. He spent a lot of time typing up reports, and even more time responding to emails. By his lunch break, he usually felt as though his brain was going to melt out of his ears. He popped two Advil to stave off the oncoming stress headache.

He ate lunch with his co-workers – they walked together a few blocks to a deli that made great sandwiches, and though he sat with them he didn’t talk much. In the beginning he fielded a lot of questions he didn’t want to answer, but after fifteen years they knew not to ask.

Except Daniel, who had started two weeks prior.

“So, Eddie,” he said, as they sat in the break room. He gestured at Eddie’s left hand. “I see you’re not married.”

“No,” Eddie agreed, taking a bite of sandwich. He hoped it would send a solid shut the fuck up message, but Daniel kept on.

“No? You got a girlfriend, at least? You’re what – 45?”

“40,” he said, his voice clipped.

“You’re 40 and not married? That’s rough man, what’s up with that?”

Eddie breathed in deeply, hand patting his pocket to feel for his aspirator. “Just never met the right person, I suppose.”

“Not even divorced?” Daniel asked, his voice getting higher with incredulity. Eddie bristled; it felt very much like he was being made fun of, but he didn’t know what to say. It reminded him of childhood bullies, calling him names before he even knew what they meant. He'd always talked back to - well, to whoever his tormentor had been back then. Now his brain wouldn't supply him with any quippy response, any thinly veiled insult. How had he been so brazen as a kid and so timid now? He tried but he couldn't even remember much of his childhood, like everything before he was 18 and living in Bangor with his mom had a thick haze covering it.

“Never married, no girlfriend,” he said plainly, unable to come up with anything better. He looked away.

“Boyfriend, then?” Daniel said. Eddie’s stomach turned and he flushed.

“I’m single, Daniel,” he said, before wrapping what was left of his sandwich (almost all of it) and standing. “I’m going to have lunch at my desk today, if you don’t mind.”

He didn’t wait for an answer before leaving the room, ignoring Daniel’s exclamations of “I wasn’t trying to upset him!”

He sat at his desk, fuming. He could hear the voice of someone he’d been out with once, laughing in his head.

Your mom thinks you’re gay.

But he wasn’t. And it wasn’t that strange for someone to be 40 and single. He knew plenty of people his age that weren’t married! Granted, most of them were divorced, but the point stood. Marriage wasn’t everything. Love wasn’t everything. He’d made it on his own for 40 years, and besides that he wasn’t interested in anyone. Couldn’t remember ever liking anyone enough to do anything about it. He could recognize when women were attractive, but it didn’t go beyond that. Can’t a man live alone with no romantic relationship and not get shit for it?

“Hey, Eddie,” said a voice from behind him. He spun in his chair. Jeanine stood there, a regretful frown on her red lips. “I’m so sorry about Daniel back there. Apparently he’s the type that doesn’t know when to shut up.”

(Your mom thinks you’re gay)

“A lot of that going around,” Eddie said, trying to ignore the voice in his head telling him to ask Jeanine out. He couldn’t even tell if it was his mother or someone else. It wasn’t his own voice, though.

Jeanine smiled awkwardly, like she wasn’t sure what he meant. “Right. Hopefully you’ll still eat with us tomorrow. We told Daniel to cool it.”

“No worries,” Eddie lied. “I needed to get some work done anyway.”

Jeanine glanced over his shoulder at his computer that he hadn’t turned back on. “Of course. And I wanted to let you know… This office is very accepting. There’s no… Judgment here. Just… So you know.”

Eddie pulled his aspirator from his pocket and took a hit.

(You’re sick, Eddie, you’re delicate, but I can protect you from yourself, a wife could protect you from yourself, you’ll always be sick but)

“Thank you for the sentiment, Jeanine,” he said, turning back in his chair. He heard her walk away and sagged against the backrest. Moments later, his phone rang.

He picked it up and frowned at the area code. Derry, Maine? He was… He was from there, wasn’t he? That was where he’d lived with his mother before they moved to Bangor. Derry was the town covered with thick haze that he couldn't completely conceptualize.

He answered the call with his heart in his throat, unsure why his hands were shaking so badly.

“Edward Kaspbrak speaking.”

“Eddie?” The voice said. He didn’t recognize it. “Eddie, it’s Mike. You need to come home. It’s back.”

The haze began to lift.

*

“I’m glad you made it, Eddie,” Mike said, offering a hug. Eddie warily wrapped his arms around Mike before glancing around the restaurant. 

“If I’d remembered more before I got on the plane, I probably wouldn’t have,” he said honestly. Once he started getting flashes of a rotting leper, of a decrepit house, of a clown’s drool on his face, he wanted to turn right back around. 

“How much do you remember?” Mike asked.

Just before he could answer, another voice joined them.

“Hey, guys.” Eddie turned and smiled. He would recognize Bill Denbrough anywhere (though he hadn't, had he? He owned his books, had seen his picture on the back cover, and he'd never thought twice about it). He stepped away after another hug, letting the other two catch up. He stood looking into the large fish tank, anything to get a reprieve from the memories that were hitting him, and then jumped when something hit the large gong next to their table. He spun, his eyes catching on red hair first. Beverly was smiling, and another man stood next to her, tall and thin and handsome, and somehow Eddie knew it was –

“Ben?”

“That was my reaction!” Beverly said with a laugh.

“You acknowledge Ben before you acknowledge me? Some kind of best friend you are, Eds.”

“Don’t call me Eds,” he said, the words spilling from his mouth without thought. He looked to Richie, wearing an ugly mustard color shirt beneath a leather jacket. He wore glasses much like the ones he’d worn in childhood, though they magnified his eyes a little less, and his hair was messy. He'd seen Richie's face, too, on a Netflix special he'd felt oddly compelled to watch. “You actually became a comedian.”

Richie’s cheeks turned pink and he took a few steps closer, hands in his pockets.

“I mean,” Eddie continued, “It’s not ventriloquism but not half-bad!”

Richie laughed loudly, his head thrown back. “Fuck, even I forgot I wanted to be a ventriloquist!”

“You would’ve made a terrible ventriloquist, Rich. Eddie was just too nice to tell you.”

They turned at the new voice, smiling at the curly hair and sweater.

“Stanley!”

“Yeah, yeah,” he said through a smile. After Eddie felt like he’d hugged everyone twice, they took their seats. He sat between Richie and Ben, right across from Bill. Stan was on Richie’s other side, already talking about his accounting firm and his wife Patty.

“She sounds lovely,” Beverly said with a smile.

“You’re not married?” He asked, pointing to her left hand. 

She frowned, touching her ring finger. “Uh, technically I am. I guess I kind of… left him?”

Eddie’s eyes widened. 

Beverly shrugged, waving them off. “It’s fine! What about everyone else? Anyone else married?”

“I am,” Bill said. “Her name’s Audra; you guys would probably recognize her if you saw her –“

“Oh shit, she’s that movie star!” Richie said loudly. “And you’re an author, I’ve totally bought your books before, dude!”

“I have, too,” Eddie admitted. He hadn’t known why he bought them at the time, but it had felt like something he needed to do. He thought he might even own a jacket from Rogue & Marsh.

“Nobody else is married? What about you, Ben?”

“No,” Ben said, cheeks pink. 

“But dude, you’re so hot, how are you single?” Richie said, punching a shocked laugh from Eddie’s chest.

Ben rolled his eyes playfully. “I mean, I’m not lonely by any means –“

Richie cut him off to whoop loudly.

“Anyway, what about you, Trashmouth?”

“Nope!”

“Divorce?” Bill asked with a smirk.

“I’m offended, Big Bill. No, no divorce. Haven’t had a serious relationship in… probably fifteen years. Kinda hard to hold anything down when you’re touring all the time.”

“Makes sense,” Beverly agreed, before her eyes met Eddie’s. He groaned. “What about you, Eddie?”

“Uh, no marriage, no divorce, very boring. Next.”

“No way, Eds, you can’t get off the hook that easy!” Richie exclaimed. “C’mon, when was your last relationship?”

Eddie looked down at the table. “Haven’t really had one. I was never really interested.”

The table had quieted, like Eddie had dropped a blanket of discomfort on all of them.

“It’s not a big deal,” he said, finally looking back up. He could feel Richie’s eyes burning a hole in the side of his head but he didn’t look. “I like living alone. I have friends at work and I always have nice chats with the pharmacist and... Look, it’s not like I’m lonely, okay? It’s fine. I’m fine.”

The conversation moved on quickly, Eddie’s discomfort obvious to everyone. Richie kept looking at him as though he were a puzzle, and as soon as the waitress returned to their table Eddie ordered himself a shot of whiskey and a bottle of beer, not even thinking about the fact that he would be drinking straight from the glass and don't you know, Eddie, dishes and silverware and cups at restaurants are a breeding ground for germs! Now that he'd remembered his asthma was fake, his aspirator a placebo, he felt like he could count the hours wasted on sanitization and worry about his delicate system. It made him boil with anger, that she had taken so much from him while giving him so many issues. He didn't want to waste more time. His system was fine.   

The night was long and draining, as much a reunion as it was a horror show. He was almost positive he remembered everything now, as did the others, and Mike claimed to have a plan. For now, though, they had some time to sleep. No point in heading into Neibolt exhausted, Bill had said with a shrug, and everyone had agreed. Eddie was finding it hard to sleep, though, with images of the leper running through his mind -

I’ll blow you for free

- And leaving him terrified and shaking. He thought back to being a kid, the same fear had kept him up at night then, too. He remembered talking to Richie about it as they read comics in the room above the Kaspbrak house garage, and Richie admitting he was having trouble sleeping, too. Kept seeing the werewolf, his own name written on It’s letterman jacket. 

He turned the bedside lamp on and picked up the phone without bothering to sanitize it even as his mind mother screamed at him. He looked at the directory and tried to remember which room was Richie’s. He was almost positive it was 207, one floor down and one over from his own, so he dialed the extension and waited. As the ringing sounded in his ear, someone knocked heavily on his door.

His heart seized up in his chest and he grabbed his aspirator from the side table and took a hit, even though he knew it was a placebo. 

“Who is it?”

“Eddie Kaspbrak?” A male voice from just outside the door said. “There’s an urgent message for you at the front desk.”

“Hello?” Richie’s sleepy voice said in his ear. He sighed in relief, not answering him yet.

“A message from who?” He asked loudly.

“What are you talking about – Eddie?” 

“A message from… Your wife,” the voice said, and Eddie froze.

“Uh, one second,” he said to the person on the other side of the door, then lowered his voice and spoke into the phone. “Rich, someone’s at my door saying I have a message from my wife.”

“You don’t have a wife,” Richie said, confused.

Eddie huffed. “Yeah, exactly!”

“Oh, fuck,” Richie said, and Eddie could hear shuffling on his end of the phone. Then, another noise, somehow both quiet and the loudest thing he’d ever heard. He watched with wide eyes as the lock on his door turned slowly until it clicked.

He opened his mouth to tell Richie whoever it was at his door had a key and to hurry the fuck up, but the line was beeping like Richie had already hung up. Slowly, he shoved the blankets off, putting his feet securely on the floor. He glanced around for something he could use to defend himself. A lamp? The phone? Why the fuck hadn’t he brought a knife or a gun to this clown fight?

The door slammed open, hitting the wall and revealing a man in a tattered jumpsuit. He had a knife in his hand.

Panic seized Eddie’s chest. The irrational part of his brain wanted to grab his aspirator for another puff but he knew it would be his last, so instead, without thinking it through, he charged forward as fast as he could, throwing his weight against the door as it bounced off the wall and back toward the man. 

Both men screamed. Eddie out of pure adrenaline and fear, some part of him wondering why the fuck he’d done that, and the other man because his foot and arm were smashed in between the door and the frame. Eddie kept his weight against the door knowing he didn’t have a lot of time; he didn’t weigh much, and this guy seemed particularly strong. He looked at the hand holding the knife, the small rivulets of blood dripping where the edge of the door had cut into the skin, and he grabbed a hold of it with both hands, trying to pry meaty fingers from the handle without cutting himself.

He didn’t manage it before the man pushed back with his own full body weight, throwing Eddie to the ground. He landed with a muted thud on his back and the man pushed into the room, spotting Eddie immediately. In the brief eye contact, Eddie realized with certain clarity that this man was Henry Bowers.

Henry Bowers, who had held him down and broken his arm with his bare hands. Henry Bowers, who had punched him in the nose more times than he could count. Henry Bowers, who had beaten Richie up again and again, who had mocked Bill’s stutter and Stan’s religion. Henry Bowers, who left even Beverly, the strongest of them, trembling. Henry Bowers, who had killed Mike’s dog. 

Eddie’s eyes flitted to the knife in his hand and a chill ran down his spine. Just yesterday he couldn't remember this man's name, but he remembered he used to fight back.

As a kid, he fought back against Henry Bowers, who somehow had the same knife he’d used to carved Ben open, the same knife with which he’d murdered his own father.

Henry lunged at Eddie, still on the floor. He kicked upward, one foot landing in the soft pudge of Henry’s stomach, the other his groin. Henry didn’t seem to notice, which left Eddie feeling terrified – what if this wasn’t Henry at all? What if this was something much, much worse?

“How ya doin’, little queer boy?” Henry asked, his voice hardly having changed at all. “Ready to get all cut up? Teach you to throw rocks!”

Eddie kept his foot wedged against Henry’s stomach, though the weight of him was causing a steady throb down his leg. Moving quickly, he pulled his other foot back and kicked again, this time aiming for the hand with the knife. Henry seemed taken off guard but he didn’t drop the knife, just leaned more of his weight onto Eddie’s leg. He cried out, giving in and planting his other foot against Henry’s stomach to hold him back. Henry didn’t seem to mind that he was leaning all his weight against Eddie’s feet, hovering over him like a ghost. 

“Not quite strong enough, are ya, fag?”

Eddie grimaced - the first time Henry called him that, he hadn't even known what a fag was. 

Henry brought the knife closer, almost able to reach Eddie’s face. With fear stronger than he’d felt in a long time thrumming through his veins, he grabbed Henry’s wrist with both hands, pushing him back. He let his fingernails dig into the place where the door had cut him, and Henry screamed, finally dropping the knife. Eddie glanced to his left and saw it, and with one hand still gripping into Henry’s wounded arm he reached over and grabbed it, plunging it upward into Henry’s chest just above where his feet held him up.

Henry’s eyes widened and Eddie sobbed as blood dripped onto his hand where he held the handle of the knife. He yanked it back out but Henry had become dead weight and his legs crumbled beneath it. He yelled, and then heard another voice.

“What the fuck!”

“Rich, help,” he said, hardly able to breathe under Henry’s weight. He was still wriggling, but Eddie kept a tight grip on the knife. Then Henry’s weight was being lifted a bit and Eddie helped, shoving until he landed on his back next to Eddie, blood seeping into the front of his shirt. Eddie stabbed again, but Henry caught the blow with his hand, and Eddie screamed as the blade sliced through the rough palm. Henry stared up at him, with a look that Eddie could almost describe as confused.

“Eds, Eds, what’s –“

“It’s Bowers,” he shouted, finally gathering the nerve to rip the knife out of Henry’s hand. Henry yelled and swung, smacking Eddie in the side and knocking the breath out of him. His uninjured hand came at him curled in a fist and managed to land on his eye. He stumbled backward a little on his knees, eyes closed against the blow, and without looking plunged the knife down again. Henry’s shrill scream and Richie’s Jesus fucking Christ oh my God oh my God let him know whatever he hit wasn't pretty but it wasn’t enough to be fatal.

A final time, he lifted the knife and opened his eyes. Henry’s face was covered in gushing blood, what was left of his eyeball hanging out of the socket. Eddie felt the Chinese food he’d eaten threaten to make a reappearance. From the corner of his eye he saw Henry���s arm begin to move and he flinched, not ready for another hit, but then Richie’s foot slammed the hand into the ground and Eddie plunged the knife back into Henry’s chest, over what he was pretty sure was his heart.

He pulled the knife out and threw it on the ground. It slid across the floor and stopped beneath the TV stand. Eddie pulled himself off of Henry, uncaring if he was still alive; if he was, Richie could deal with it. His own head spun, pain radiated down his legs, and his eye socket throbbed. He fell onto the bed with his eyes closed. For a moment he only heard the slight noise of movement from Richie, and then:

“Holy fuck, dude, you fucking killed him.”

Eddie let out a long breath of relief before saying, “don’t say it like that. It was self-defense.”

“Well obviously,” Richie agreed, and then threw up. The sound and smell made Eddie’s stomach turn again, and he leaned over the bed, grabbed the wastebasket, and lost his own dinner.

*  

They had migrated to Richie's room, after a brief talk with the rest of the losers to inform them of what happened. Everyone was appropriately horrified and offered to come sit with them for the rest of the night, but Eddie insisted he just wanted to sleep and he wanted to do it in a room without a dead body. Richie had offered his own, promising to keep quiet so Eddie could get some rest. 

Eddie had been unable to sleep, though. By the rigidness of Richie beside him, he was sure he wasn't the only one.

"So what's it like, being famous?" He said quietly into the darkness. He felt Richie jolt and he apologized with a laugh.

"No, it's fine, uh," Richie sighed. Eddie felt the comforter jostle like he was resituating himself. "I dunno, honestly. Kind of boring? I mean, don't get me wrong, in the early days I partied a lot. Slept around, got into things I shouldn't have. But… being clean and telling jokes you didn't even write? Kinda shit, not gonna lie."

"God, I fucking knew you didn't write your own shit," Eddie said. "I don't even know how I knew, but I'd watch all your stupid specials and like, be annoyed at myself because this guy is so obviously a fraud, why the fuck do I religiously watch everything he puts out?"

"Could have been my charming good looks," Richie joked, and Eddie felt his cheeks heat up. 

"Definitely not that," Eddie said with a hollow laugh. "Apparently somehow I just knew you were my best friend and I was pissed because I know you're so much funnier than the shit you say onstage."

"Oh," Richie said. Eddie squeezed his eyes shut. He didn't know how to fucking do this. How do you have conversations with people that aren't too much but don't feel like fucking small talk? Richie was his best friend once upon a time, would've been his best friend their whole lives if Derry hadn't fucked them up. 

But would they have been? Would they have been best friends if they'd grown up together? Navigated their early twenties together? Would he have dropped Richie the second he got into whatever shit he got into in LA? Would Richie have dropped him when he realized Eddie was fucking boring, with a desk job and a mother he couldn't escape? Would he have been just another person shoving him on dates with girls he didn't want to date? Another person asking why he wasn't married yet? Another person to think -

Your mom thinks you're gay.

He bit his lip. He couldn't think about that right now, not when their literal lives were on the line. He'd been putting off his sexuality crisis for years, it could wait another 24 hours.

Because that's what it was, and he knew it. He remembered the feelings from being a kid. He remembered the swooping sensation in his stomach, the blushing, the constant need to be the center of Richie's attention. He didn't think he knew what it was back then, but now? Now he knew what all those things meant. He knew what they meant when he felt them sitting next to Richie at dinner, and now, laying next to him in bed. 

But that was for a later date, if he even made it to a later date.

All Eddie could hear in the room was the whirr of the air conditioner, Richie's breathing right next to him, and his own heart pounding in his ears. He closed his eyes, willing himself to relax enough to even doze, but the quiet was broken when Richie cleared his throat.

"Yeah?" Eddie asked, when Richie didn't follow up with anymore sounds.

"I just - " He sighed. "You remember how we thought… When we were kids… That some of our power, or whatever, came from the lucky seven? None of us could have hurt It on our own but we could together, and we worked together and we all loved each other and looked out for each other."

"Yeah, I remember that."

"I don't feel like we're the lucky seven anymore," Richie admitted. Eddie didn't know what to say. "We're not… Together… the way we used to be. We were like one single unit back then. Even with Ben and Bev and Mike, we'd barely met them but they just fit with us. And now we just feel like…"

"Like seven adults who haven't spoken in over 20 years?" Eddie finished for him.

"Yeah." Richie's voice was sad. "We're not kids anymore, you know? And we don't know each other. Eds, I don't think we can even say we're friends anymore."

"That's not true," he argued, turning his head on his pillow to see the outline of Richie's face in the dark. He wasn't wearing his glasses but he was facing the ceiling. Eddie couldn't tell if his eyes were open or closed. "We all fell right back into old habits at dinner! It was like nothing's changed."

"But it has changed!" Richie said, his voice rising a little. Eddie jostled when Richie pushed himself up, sitting on the bed with his head in his hands. Eddie stared at him and chewed on his lip. "God, are you telling me you still act like that as an adult? I can just look at you and tell you're not somebody who trades sarcastic insults with anyone. And I don't still joke about fucking people's mothers and I don't constantly slip into shitty Voices all the time and I don't just fucking make fun of people like an asshole! But we both - we both regressed! Like, some shit happened when we got back together and all of a sudden we were both shitty little teenagers again! All of us! Bill's stutter came back, for fuck's sake! Ben's an awkward fucking mess around Bev, as though that guy isn't swimming in pussy right now -"

"That's fucking gross, Richie," Eddie muttered, pushing himself against the wall. 

"I'm just saying," Richie continued, "that we all get along as 13 year olds. Not as the people we are now."

"That's - " Eddie paused and blinked hard, surprised to find his eyes filling with tears. "It's just because that's how we're used to acting with each other. If we all spent time together again I bet we'd end up acting more like who we are now."

Richie scoffed. "Eddie, who you are now would hate who I am now."

"I wouldn't hate you." He reached out hesitantly, rested his hand on Richie's broad back. "Why do you think I'd hate you?"

"You - You hate getting dirty! And you dress like you're ninety, your hair is like, combed, and you've clearly never used a drug in your life. You -"

"I'm gonna stop you, dude." Eddie readjusted himself so he was sitting facing Richie, who's blue eyes were clearer than ever without his glasses on, even in the dark. "The actual regression I experienced was turning back into the person I was before that summer, before I found out about my asthma. The scared kid who carried a fanny pack full of disinfectant wipes became a scared adult who kept disinfectant wipes in his briefcase and Advil in his pocket right next to his aspirator. I have been alone for the last 20 years. And I've wasted so much time being the delicate child my mother wanted me to be. Who I was at 13 is more me than who I am at 40. And I think - I think that's why we all regressed the way we did. Because we were happy together, at 13, and I don't think any of us are happy now."

Richie stayed quiet.

"Well," Eddie amended, "except for Stan. But he acted like an adult as a kid, so I don't think that counts. Anyway, I don't give a shit about what you've done in your past. I lived with my mother until she died in my mid-thirties. I've never had -" He cut himself off, feeling his face heat up. "Never mind. The point is that we are still the same people we were at 13. The people we've been for the last 20 years? That wasn't really us. This is us. Lucky seven."

"Okay," Richie whispered. Eddie ignored the way he swallowed thickly. "I think I - I think I'm just scared. Just going over every single way we could fail. And even - even if you're right about us, how we're all still the same… There's so much about each other we don't know. We don't really know much about how we've each spent the last two decades. Or where we've worked, where we've lived, who we've fucked. It's like we're strangers…"

Eddie cleared his throat, willing his blush to disappear. "Maybe… Okay, this might sound stupid, so if you laugh afterward, I'm giving myself permission to hit you."

Richie snorted. "Alright, go ahead."

"We should find a way for all of us to know each other again. So we're not strangers. We should be the strongest version of the losers club when we go into the sewers, right? Losers club doesn't have secrets. Maybe we - you know, we bond with each other again. By telling each other stuff. You know?"

"Are you saying you want to sit in a circle and tell each other secrets?"

Eddie huffed. "Essentially, yes."

Richie laughed a little but held his hands up in surrender. "I'm not laughing at you! Just - I mean, why not? It couldn't hurt. Maybe we could re-do the blood pact, too?"

Eddie grimaced. "Yeah, Rich, let's physically weaken ourselves before we go fight a demon space alien. That's a super good idea."

"Well you don't have to be mean about it, dickhead."

Eddie laughed and shook his head. "How about, if we all live, we'll -"

"If we all live?! Don't say shit like that man!"

"I've already killed a man, Richie, I don't think death is completely off the table."

"Fuck, you killed a man." Richie sounded awed and a little scared.

"And you were very helpful, by the way." Eddie smirked.

"Listen, Eds, you've always been the brave one, we all know that, Mr. This is Battery Acid."

"I think I called It Fucknuts, too," Eddie recalled. He remembered spraying his aspirator at It, but even still he couldn't picture It clearly. "Do you remember what It looked like? It's real form, not any of the glamours."

Richie paused. "I don't - I don't think so? I just - I remember the eye in the sewers. When we all stood around like idiots and you screamed at us to step the fuck up. But other than that…"

Eddie remembered that, too. He'd lost his shoe in the eye, kicking it and screaming at the others to help him. It almost shocked him, to remember himself as being brave. But he had been. He'd attacked first, both the eye and… Whatever It became, in the end. His aspirator had really hurt It. 

"I wonder if we really saw It…" Eddie said. Another memory had hit him, one of Richie holding a baseball bat, of Bill trapped under Pennywise's arm. "I think - I think we hurt It while It was the clown. Maybe that's - maybe part of why It didn't die is because it was still using a glamour. It escaped before we hurt it enough to see the true form."

"That's - I mean, it was weird that Pennywise just bolted…"

"And Richie?" He reached out again, a little more confident, and touched Richie's arm. The contact made his chest clench. "You're brave, too. Don't you remember? Now I'm gonna have to kill this fucking clown."

Richie laughed quietly. "I hadn't remembered that until you said it."

Eddie hadn't remembered the battery acid or the eye until Richie brought them up, either. He wondered if it was because neither of them were the kind of people who looked for the good in themselves, and if there were other things they'd done that they could be proud of and just hadn't remembered yet. He hoped so. He hoped they still had some of that bravery left.

Richie flopped back down, head hitting the pillow as he released a loud sigh. Eddie followed suit, his face warming when he realized Richie had landed closer than he was before. They weren’t touching, but he could feel the heat from Richie’s arm only inches from him.

“We should probably try to sleep before… Well, we should try to sleep.” Richie’s voice had quieted. Eddie could barely hear him over the whirr of the air conditioner. “Goodnight.”

“Night, Rich,” he murmured. He hoped Richie couldn’t hear the fondness in his voice over the sound of the AC. He breathed in deeply and closed his eyes. He was asleep in minutes. 

*

Three short knocks on the door woke Eddie a few hours later. His left side was warm and he mindlessly moved into the heat before his muddled and tired mind remembered it was Richie next to him, still sleeping with breaths so loud it could almost be called a snore. Light poured in through the window so that Eddie could see Richie’s relaxed face, and staring down at the other man distracted him enough that he jolted at the sound of more knocks.

“Rich? Eddie? W-w-wake up, we’re meeting d-d-d-downstairs in twenty!” Bill’s voice drifted through the door and Eddie sighed, sitting up and shaking Richie’s shoulder.

“Mph,” Richie said, rolling away from Eddie.

“Wake up, didn’t you hear Bill?”

“Was ignoring him,” Richie answered bluntly. Eddie rolled his eyes and got up, heading toward the door just as Bill began to knock again.

“Hey,” he said, opening the door to find Bill’s fist mid-air. “We’ll be down soon, but can I talk to you first?”

Bill nodded, and Eddie closed the door behind them.

“Rich and I were talking last night and… Well, we were talking about how we don’t really feel like the lucky seven anymore. We’ve lost some of the connection we had as kids, and that connection is a huge part of why we survived last time. I just think – We think we should do something to bond again, like how we bonded at the Jane but… More. Maybe – Maybe we could go downstairs and just… share things about ourselves. You know, the kind of important things you share with your closest friends.”

Bill’s eyebrows had risen and Eddie bit his lip awkwardly. If Bill didn’t go for it, it wasn’t going to happen, and something in Eddie’s chest told him it needed to happen if they were going to survive.

Finally Bill shrugged. “I m-m-m-mean, it couldn’t hurt.”

“Right,” Eddie agreed. “So… If you could let everyone know what’s going on? We’ll meet you downstairs soon. I’m probably going to have to physically yank Richie out of bed, so…”

Bill nodded. “That’s fine. I’ll see y-y-you down there s-s-soon.”

Eddie thanked him and went back into the room, surprised to see the bed empty and the bathroom door closed. He sighed in relief that Richie had gotten himself up and went to his suitcase to pull out clean clothes. Richie finished in the restroom quickly and they switched, Eddie hurrying through his morning routine and dressing, anxious to get downstairs.

He stepped out of the bathroom without looking up, his pajamas folded in his hands, and after a few steps toward his suitcase he raised his head, confused by the silence.

He swallowed thickly at the sight of Richie standing in the middle of the room in just jeans, the hem of his boxers visible, the trail of hair leading down into his boxers all Eddie could see.

“Sorry,” he choked, looking away as quickly as he could force his head to move, feeling the heat light up his cheeks. He cursed himself in his head, power walking the rest of the way to his suitcase and focusing all his energy on making sure all his things were placed neatly and organized inside, trying not to think about Richie, half-naked, a few feet away.

He could hear Richie clear his throat behind him, but his voice still came out strained. “No worries.”

Eddie nodded without looking up. His hands were clenched into fists.

“Um,” Richie said awkwardly, when Eddie didn’t move. Eddie let out a breath and stood up, turning to face Richie, only to find himself again faced with a bare-chested Richie.

“What the fuck!”

“Sorry!” Richie said, not moving.

“Put your fucking shirt on!”

“Right.”

Richie bent over to reach into his suitcase and Eddie stared with his mouth open at the way the muscles in his arms moved, the way his back arched. He realized as he stared that there was no longer any attempts at denying his sexuality. This was it. He couldn’t look away as Richie pulled a shirt over his head. His cheeks were still hot and he waited for some joke from Richie, something like take a picture, it’ll last longer, or like what you see, Eds?, but Richie remained quiet.

“So,” Eddie said once Richie was fully dressed. “We’re meeting the others downstairs.”

“To share secrets?”

“Shut up,” Eddie said, walking out the door. They could hear the chatter of the others as they headed down stairs, and Eddie realized without surprise they were the last to make it down.

“Hey!” Beverly greeted. “Good thing you’re here, we were about to start without you.”

“Actually we already finished without you,” Stanley said, sly grin on his face. “Guess you guys don’t get to be part of the club anymore.”

"How dare you, Stanley," Richie said, skipping over to plop onto the floor next to Stan's spot on the couch. Beverly and Ben sat on the loveseat while Bill, Mike, and Stan took up the couch. There was a single armchair waiting, empty, between Richie's spot on the floor and Ben and Beverly, and Eddie took his spot. 

"We decided Bill will go first," Mike said, and Eddie nodded. It made sense in a way he couldn't explain. Of course Bill would go first. Bill would always go first.

"So," Bill started, then stopped. He cleared his throat and turned his face to the floor. Eddie bit his lip nervously, his heart beginning to beat faster as he waited for Bill's secret. "I wasn't s-sick. The day G-G-G-Georgie died. He - he wanted me to go out and p-p-p-play with him, but I didn't - I didn't want to. It wasn't that I didn't l-l-l-love him, or -"

"It wasn't your fault," Beverly said to him. "Nobody could've known what would happen."

Bill's face was red but he didn't cry. His eyes were resolute as he looked around at each of them. "I feel so g-g-guilty for what I d-d-did. And I feel g-g-g-guilty that I hadn't th-th-thought about G-Georgie in over 20 years."

"Pennywise wiped our memories, man, that's not -"

"I knew I had a l-l-little brother thatd-d- died. I knew his n-n-name, how old he w-was. And it was like… I d-d-didn't care. It d-d-didn't m-m-mean anything. I re-re-re-remembered him and it didn't m-mean anything."

"Fuck that," Richie said suddenly. "Seriously, Bill, fuck that shit. You didn't really remember Georgie, because if you did you would've spent the last 27 years feeling like you feel right now. We all know it. It's not your fault you didn't remember and it's not your fault he died."

"I know you probably don't believe that," Eddie added, "but it's true. None of it was your fault. And you're the one who led us to beat Pennywise the first time. You ended the cycle early, man. You saved lives."

Bill shook his head, still avoiding meeting anyone's eyes. "W-W-We all did that."

"Then maybe we should all get a pat on the back for it," Ben suggested. "We all did something that saved who knows how many lives. We should all - you know, give ourselves credit for it."

Eddie thought back to the night before, discussing all the things with Richie that he hadn't remembered doing. All the moments he was brave, strong, powerful. How he and Richie didn't remember them because they struggled to see their own strength.

"I agree," he said, nodding to Ben. "We all need to give ourselves more credit for what we did. Yeah, It came back, but we stopped it back then. The killings, they stopped. We were all brave as fuck, guys. And we can be brave as fuck again."

"I don't recall being brave as fuck," Stan said quietly. "I only remember being terrified out of my mind."

"That's what being brave is, though," Mike told him. "Doing something even when it scares you. And you're being brave right now, just by being here, Stanley. All of you are. We're all terrified but we're all here, and that, as Eddie so eloquently put it, is brave as fuck."

"Well said." Beverly smiled softly. "You should go next, Mike."

Mike looked surprised for a moment, eyes widening a bit, but he quickly nodded, shuffling in his seat. 

"Well," he started, looking around at each of them. "I guess you know I've kept up with each of you, but not - not quite the extent that I've kept up with you. I've read all of Bill's books and seen every movie adaptation. I've seen every television appearance Richie's ever made. I've read every article ever written about Ben. I've driven up to Bangor a few times, to one of those fancy department stores, just to see Bev's clothes in person. Couldn't afford to buy anything, but -"

The group paused as an uncomfortable undercurrent swept through the room. Eddie noticed he wasn't the only one who wouldn't meet Mike's eyes.

"Don't be weird about it," Mike said with a soft sigh. "It is what it is. And this - this tension, this discomfort… That's what Eddie's talking about. To be the Lucky Seven we have to push through what makes us uncomfortable. You guys can't walk on eggshells around me anytime finances come up. We can't walk on eggshells around each other at all. This is the point of this. We've got to share the hard shit, too."

Eddie didn't know what to say, so he kept his mouth shut. He looked up, though, and Mike was giving a comforting smile to them all. Eddie breathed in deeply and let it out slowly as Bill agreed with Mike, and the awkward tension began to dissipate.

"Anyway," Mike continued, "it's been hard to be the one to stay here. I won't lie, there were so many times over the years that I thought about calling one of you. And there were times over the years that I even resented you guys a little, for being able to leave. But this was what I was meant to do. This was my job. I accepted that, and I'm okay with it. I've made my peace with it."

"I'm sorry you had to stay here, Mike," Ben said. Mike just shrugged good-naturedly.

"Well, if we're going to be talking about the uncomfortable shit, maybe I should go next." Eddie raised his eyebrows at the bluntness in Bev's voice. She huffed a short laugh. "I mean - I mentioned leaving my husband at dinner but… There's so much more to it. He - Well. I'll start with - I have one very close friend. Her name's Kay, and I've known her a long time. And it's… it's funny, you know, when someone knows you, how they can see through your bullshit? Kay can see through my bullshit. But she never called me on it. Don't get me wrong, she told me to leave him for years, before we were ever even married, but she never… She had to have known, you know?"

Eddie swallowed thickly as Bev rambled, her voice catching a few times. His hands balled up into fists, a response to the anger that was slowly building inside his chest as Beverly spoke.

"But I'm glad she never brought it up because… I don't know how to talk about it, especially with someone who never met… Well, someone who never met my father. I didn't know how to talk about the shame I feel for running from my abusive father into the arms of an abusive husband. I don't know why I did it. I don't know why I stay."

Tears were dripping down her cheeks now, and Eddie had the urge to reach over and hold her hand, but Ben already had an arm around her shoulders and Stan was clutching her hand.

"Anyway, I - I left him. I had to… He didn't want me to. And part of me is… so fucking scared that I'm going to go right back to him after Derry."

"That's n-not going to h-h-happen, Bev," Bill said quickly, leaning closer to her to put a comforting hand on her knee. "We won't l-let you."

“It shouldn’t be like that. Isn’t it the same thing? Putting my wellbeing in the hands of yet another man? Trusting in you guys to keep me from going? It needs to be my own decision, and it needs to come from my own strength.” 

No one spoke for a moment. Eddie watched as Beverly wiped her tears with her free hand. Finally, Ben turned to face her and said, “we won’t make the decision for you, but no matter what you decide we’ll be there to support you. Obviously we all want you to be safe and not go back to him, but no one here is your keeper. We just love you and want the best for you. And if you leave you won’t be alone. We’ll all be there for you.”

The others murmured their agreements and Bev smiled through her tears, thanking them quietly.

"I'll go next," Stan offered, raising his hand a little. "I… Well, I guess I'm sort of Twitter famous? I've got a blue checkmark and everything."

"I'm sorry?" Richie asked, voice rising in pitch. "It took me two years to get a fucking checkmark and they gave one to you?!"

Stanley shrugged. "I had a commercial for my accounting business go viral."

No one said anything. Eddie stared blankly at Stan as though he'd grown a second head.

Stan huffed. "Patty and I made a commercial when I first started the company. We filmed it ourselves because we didn't have money to hire anyone and it was just - it was just me at my desk, and Patty standing next to me. And I'm just talking, you know, about why people should choose me as their accountant. But Patty apparently found it absolutely hilarious because she kept, like, laughing - snorting while I was talking. And in my head I'm thinking, there's no way we're going to use this, this is ridiculous, and I smile at the end - well, Patty says it's a grimace but what's the difference, really? - and Patty, completely unscripted, yells "call Uris Accounting for all your accounting needs!" and then I started laughing. Anyway, she posted it on Facebook without telling me and it went viral -"

"Holy fuck, I've seen that!" Richie yelled, throwing his hands up. "It's - there's a YouTube video, one of those compilations, called 'People Breaking and Laughing on Camera (Almost Entirely Richie Tozier Laughing at His Own Jokes)'! We're in the same compilation YouTube video!"

"You have the name of the video memorized?" Eddie asked. Richie laughed.

"That's terrible news," Stan said. Richie laughed harder. "Anyway, now the company's Twitter has thousands of followers who think my deadpan humor and random observations are hilarious. My actual secret is that I don't actually write any of it - Patty does. She's the funny one but she isn't a big fan of too much attention so people think it's me."

"Aw, it's okay, Stan, Richie doesn't write his jokes, either," Ben said with a grin. Eddie laughed, watching happily as Richie began to yell indignantly. 

It took a few minutes for the group to calm down. Eddie sat and soaked it in, trying to ignore the twisting in his gut that told him this lighthearted fun was going to end soon. That they may never get this feeling back again.

"Anyway," Stan said finally. "Patty's very funny. She calls my car The Sedanley."

"Aw," Bev cooed, grinning. "That's cute! You guys sound really happy together."

"We are," Stan agreed, his cheeks pink. "Anyway, who's next? Eddie?"

Eddie's stomach clenched and he bit his lip. He cleared his throat, finding a spot on the floor to stare at so he could avoid the eyes of his friends. This was his idea in the first place, he certainly couldn't back out now.

"Before I say anything, I just want to say I've never told anyone this, and it's… Well, it's quite embarrassing and I'd really appreciate you all not making fun of me."

"W-We'd never m-m-make fun of you," Bill assured him immediately. Eddie gave him an incredulous look. Bill laughed a little. "Okay, f-f-fair enough, we d-definitely would. B-B-But wew- won't! You can t-t-tell us."

"Yeah," Eddie muttered. He took a few deep breaths and opened his mouth. “I’ve never… you know, done it. Like…” His eyes darted around at each of them and his cheeks pinked. He lowered his voice to a whisper, “Sex.”

Stan laughed. “Clearly, if you feel like you have to whisper the word sex.”

“We promised no laughing! Nobody laughed at your stupid Sedanley!”

"Oh, honey," Bev said. "Why not? You could get any woman you wanted!"

Eddie didn't look up from the floor. His hands were balled up into nervous fists.

"Or man?" She continued. A question. 

Before Eddie could speak, Richie's voice broke the tense silence. “No! You aren’t allowed to come out!”

“I kn-kn-know you’re not about t-t-to be homophobic,” Bill interrupted.

“Like you can talk,” Richie answered, annoyed. “Have you ever written a character that wasn’t straight?” Bill tried to answer but began stammering worse than usual. “And I’m not being homophobic. But if Eddie comes out right now and steals my goddamn thunder then that would be biphobic. Because I’m bi. That was my secret. So. Now, Eddie, if there’s anything you’d like to say…”

“You’re the fucking worst,” Eddie told him. “And I don’t… I don’t know. I’ve never had feelings strong enough for anyone, man or woman, to ever do anything about it. I suppose I’ve found men attractive before, but never anyone that I knew or liked or – I suppose mostly celebrities, strangers on the subway, things like that. I never… I guess I haven’t met many people that have caught my interest.”

"Sounds like you need to lower your standards,” Stan said bluntly.

“Nah,” Ben said, smiling at Eddie. “I get what he means. I never really formed any connection with anyone either. Before you guys I was lonely, and after you guys I was lonely. I suppose I had been interested in someone when I was younger, but… I forgot about her. Maybe eventually you’ll remember someone, Eddie. Someone who caught your interest.”

Eddie finally glanced up, his eyes immediately finding Richie, who was staring resolutely at the floor. He chewed on his lip. Finally he looked over at Ben and said, “I think I will remember. Eventually.”

"Well," Richie said loudly, and Eddie jumped. Richie's cheeks were bright red and he shoved his glasses up his nose with his pointer finger. "Since I already spoiled my secret, I guess I don't have to go."

"We're very proud of you, Richie," Bev said with a soft smile. "Even though you ruined Eddie's moment."

"Sorry 'bout that, Eds," Richie said with a small shrug and a sheepish smile. "Couldn't let you steal my gay thunder."

Eddie furrowed his brows. "Didn't you just say you were bi?"

Richie waved him off. Eddie noticed his face was still flushed. He pushed his glasses up his nose again. Eddie clenched his hands into fists as he watched Richie fidget, knowing the other man was nervous but not being completely sure what he was nervous about. Eddie had said he would probably remember someone he had feelings for… Could Richie be figuring him out? Could Richie already know that Eddie had those feelings?

And now that he knew Richie was into men as well… Could he return those feelings?

"-but like I said earlier, to Eddie, I feel like I'm only just remembering the girl I loved…" Eddie realized he'd been ignoring Ben, who was obviously talking about Beverly. The two of them were still next to each other, but Eddie could sense some discomfort in Beverly's body language. He thought about how her entire life had revolved around men and felt a pang in his chest for her. She deserved a break.

"So, w-w-what do you th-th-think, Eddie?" Bill said. Eddie startled, tearing his eyes from where they'd rested on Bev. Ben had finished talking and Eddie was hit with a wave of guilt that he'd been too inside his own head to really listen. But he knew the gist of it, right? Ben loved Bev, Ben had been lonely as an adult. He was basically just repeating Eddie's life story, although probably without the virginity aspect. 

"I mean… I dunno. Do you guys feel closer?"

Bill shrugged helplessly. Eddie's heart sank. He didn't feel any different, either. 

"I think this was good," Richie said, stepping up beside Eddie and wrapping an arm around his shoulder. "At the very least we're better off than we were before. It was like a trust exercise, you know? It - it worked."

Eddie looked up at him. He was giving Eddie what was probably supposed to be a reassuring look, but from the angle Eddie was at, looked more like a grimace. Eddie laughed a little.

"W-Well, alright th-th-then," Bill said, heading toward the front door of the Inn. "Let's g-g-go."

*

By the time they made it to the small door that led to It's lair, Eddie could barely breathe. Nothing had happened the entire way. Why had nothing happened? Where was It?

"Well…" Richie said with a shrug. "No news is good news, right?"

"I don't think that applies here," Stan said, his voice trembling.

"Are we ready, then?" Mike asked. Eddie gripped his aspirator and shot it into his mouth. The others nodded grimly. Mike pushed the door open, and they went inside.

Amidst the chaos - It turning into a giant spider with Pennywise's face, chasing them down tunnels that lead to nothing good, three doors with no right answer - Eddie had clutched his aspirator in his hand. He hadn't thought about it, but now, as he watched Richie's body float into the air, eyes white, he thought that perhaps he'd known all along. He remembered spraying the aspirator into the giant eye, remembered - this is battery acid, fucknuts! - and he stepped forward.

He didn't utter a sound as he sprayed the aspirator at It, watching as the mist hit one of the spider legs. It's head swung around to face Eddie, so close Eddie could smell It's rancid breath.

"Battery acid," he said coolly, before shooting off the aspirator again. He was close enough now that the mist sank into one of It's eyes. Pennywise's voice bellowed around the cavern, screaming in pain, and Eddie sprayed again, this time aiming for It's open mouth. Just as his finger pressed down, just as the HydrOx filled It's mouth, Eddie was slammed into from the side. He lost his grip on the aspirator and landed hard on the ground, but his eyes didn't leave the spider. He watched as the mouth, filled with razor-sharp teeth, clamped down where his arm had just been. 

"You're a fucking idiot, Kaspbrak," Stan said, helping Eddie up.

"Holy shit," Eddie said, breathing heavily and looking at Stan, who was shaking. "You saved my life."

"Yeah, well," Stan said. Then, more quietly, so low that Eddie didn't think he was supposed to hear it, he said, "You saved mine first."

"We gotta save Richie," Eddie said, as It's yell pierced the air again. It was rounding on Mike and Ben on the other side of the cavern, and Richie still floated in mid-air.

"Hey!" Stan screamed, his voice echoing in the lair. Eddie's eyes widened and he grabbed Stan's arm. "You're not real, clowns are human and don’t have spider legs, either you’re a human or a spider, make up your mind!"

Eddie watched in horrified shock as It began to shrink, spider legs pulling in toward its body. The others began to join in, yelling what seemed like nonsense to Eddie, who suddenly could only focus on Richie, collapsing to the floor.

He rushed to Richie's body, lying on the ground, and began to shake him.

"Clown! Clown! Clown!"

"Rich, wake up, man," he said, patting Richie's cheek. Richie groaned. "Yeah, hey, buddy, open your eyes!"

"Eds, wha-" His eyes widened as he took in Eddie's form. He grabbed tightly onto Eddie's right arm, staring at it in wonder. "Fuck, you're -"

"Come help us!" Ben's voice carried over to them. Eddie looked over to where their friends stood in a semi circle around It, now shriveled and small and not a clown at all. Eddie helped Richie to his feet and, feeling more powerful than he ever had in his life, squeezed It's heart until It was no more.

Richie saw Stan kill himself and Eddie losing his arm and dying in the deadlights and when they’re out of the house he grabs Stan’s arms and looks at his wrists angrily and Stan realizes what it means and Richie asks “Why didn’t you do it?”

 “First I didn’t remember… I was in the bathtub… I was… Ready. I could only remember promising Bill, the blood oath… But then I remembered Beverly saying she saw us all as adults… And I remembered that I had, too, when I was in the deadlights, and that Eddie was going to die. I knew – Somehow I just knew that if I killed myself Eddie would die, and if I came back he wouldn’t. I could – I could end my own life, but I couldn’t bring myself to end Eddie’s. So I came back.”

not even the author knows what happens next :-)

[wild-battlebond]

MonKart Ep1 Liveblog

I have no idea what this show is about besides what the summary said. Why are the monsters in karts? Why does the protagonist want to be a knight when this is a show about go-karting? Why is there a princess? Will this even be a good show? Time to find out.

• wow this show’s fancy it even has an english dub 

• well in the first 2 minutes this show is already better written than the other show from the same production company i watched so i’m tentatively hopeful about this now

• there's an old guy with goggles who has a cane that shoots cleaning spray (? it's some kind of eye irritant) and a princess

• i’m not sure if this is the princess’s castle & she’s just running away from home or if she was captured and is trying to escape HELLO lady knight

•FINALLY the monsters are here. very curious about why they battle by racing karts and what the importance of the swords these people are holding is

•they can issue attacks by slashing an X with the sword??? and then they can also use moves while driving the karts???

•i can sense that this girl is going to be like. a very stereotypical “girl” character and that could get a little bland. but both her and her monster are adorable they’re even color coordinated

•hello protagonist

•now the monsters are transforming???? forme changing???

•wh. did he just kill the other kid’s monster????

•no it’s alive. it’s in a burning car but it’s fine.

•so Jin’s all about chivalry and knightly things. got it.

•is the ref going to tell him off for wrecking the other one’s car

•n. no it seems he was only in trouble for standing around instead of racing.

•*shrek and his friends talking to a castle worker voice* he doesn’t even have a monkart

•so if Jin doesn’t already have a MonKart, then that means that whoever becomes his partner is probably going to be special in some way, right?

•everyone’s outfits so far are a real aesthetic. which aesthetic? i don’t know.

•so these two help out/work at a store that sells monkart parts...? i wonder, are they just friends who happen to work at the same place, or are they related and this is a family store?

•there you go just pick one of these convenient starter monkarts sitting in this glass cage. so the monsters that go in the cart can be sold, too? sort of like in pokémon’s capsule monsters concept art...

•i genuinely love the monster designs in this so far. these are so adorable. though at the same time the one on the far right looks like a bootleg palmon and the one on the far left has a similar colorscheme and V on its chest to veemon. that doesn’t detract from how cute these designs are though lmao they could have a green pikachu and i wouldn’t really care.

•YES ALRIGHT hopefully this means that bonds will be really important in this show. anyways Jin is rejecting these starters because he says they have no “buzz”, like no fighting spirit/he doesn’t feel a connection to them

•ok this show has endeared itself to me purely through this alone

•hmmmmm he wants to become a knight like Destro... but Destro is the one that the princess said she had to stop... 🤔

•and this is. their dad? he’s probably at least the girl’s dad since he’s blonde like her

•boo i don’t wanna go back to the dragon quest princess i wanna see more monsters

•oh but she’s in the town now

•OK they are not related and Jin is an orphan

•now Jin and the princess have met and also he saved her from a bunch of bullies

•i guess the old guy is bad at keeping secrets

•sooooooo Jin’s sword is fancy and special because it’s the sword that the Keit guy that the princess & old guy are looking for used. he’s definitely going to get a special partner with that.

•oh finally someone said the girl’s name. she’s Laura. and also I just noticed her monster isn’t with her anymore. I wonder if they can be conveniently stored somehow? they do seem to turn tiny when they’re in the karts, unless perspective made them look tiny.

•the monster was IN the sword?!!?!?!?!? so he’s inheriting the partner that Keit had. also Laura doesn’t seem to have a sword so that’s probably not where her partner went.

•so the monsters don’t talk & just make babbling noises but also the princess can understand their language. cool.

•YES!!!! partners!!! he even offers it a little handshake, that’s so nice!

•ah, i guess it’ll be a little stubborn at first until it trusts Jin a little more

•i love how they talk like they’re going to fight right then and there and then they have to walk to a stadium to go-kart in.

•ok i guess they’re normal sized while in the cars and I just thought they looked tiny because of perspective. good to know.

•wtf this turtle makes the mario kart countdown noise

•the battle was just OK. it was a little hard to follow the action sometimes. also, Jin obviously has an advantage since his partner is already trained and very powerful, so it’s likely that he might start struggling later if he can’t keep up with Draka. that’s also why it’ll be important for Draka to loose some of its smugness and learn to trust Jin so that they can help each other improve.

OK overall that was actually really enjoyable and right up my alley. I’m definitely going to watch this some more!

[crionsbelt]

This may or may not go up by the time midnight hits or slightly after for me, let’s see what happens! I’ve been working on this since 9:30 PM EST, I expect it’ll be done by 12:50 AM EST. Hopefully I’m right so it ain’t too late gjnhg

For starters: Happy New Year everyone! Hard to believe we lived in the decade where this beauty was created. Nonetheless, there are multiple people I want to thank -- along with a much needed personal note from me. Everything will be put into a read more, but trust me, it’s long. Thank you all for making the final days of this decade very welcoming for me!

@kiidreamu​ & @theabyssalmuses​

It’s rather silly for me to start with you two, because I’ve got quite a bit to say; so here goes! I’ve known you two for...quite a while huh? I can’t recall the exact time, but I know we’ve been mutuals since I went by Phantom -- which was a long while ago. Regardless, I’ve always enjoyed you two on my dash; and I’ve always really liked interacting with y’all OOC! I’ve always had a blast speaking with you two (specifically now w all this fuckin Bear Ass shit).  I really enjoy the way you two write your muses, I think you both should have a lot more faith in them because they’re very fun to see on the dash! It’s pretty clear y’all put a lot of effort into your writing, even if you say you don’t, I for sure notice it.  Hime, I know you said you admired me - but there’s nothing to admire! You and Kii are equally as good as me, but I’m definitely not much. However, I never posted it (because I had it in my drafts and still do) because it meant a lot to me. I’ve never been told something like that aside from Norgie, so it made me feel happy in a dark time.  Thank you both for continuing to be my friends, truly. 

@fantasyacrossworlds​

Awoo! You and I have known each other for a long time, too (most people tagged here I’ve known for 2 - 4 years hujhj)! I’m VERY happy that we’re mutuals again, I’ve truly missed interacting with you! I’m so glad that it seems Orion and Cass are going to have a chaotic friendship that will always end on Orion running to Artemis LMAO. I’m looking forward to more interactions! 

@sanzenxsekai​​ 

I already gave you a super long post explaining how much me and Norgie are thankful for you, so I’ll remind you in a tl;dr version. WE ALL LOVE YOUR STINKY GREMLIN + YOU!! Please keep writing Nobu in 2020! Thank you so much for being such a good friend to me. 

@mcphistcples​

You don’t even realize how much of a positive impact you’ve had on both me and my girlfriend. You’re absolutely hilarious and I’m incredibly happy you chose to start interacting with a disaster like me. As a Dies fan, I fucking love your Rein. You write him fantastically and it’s always fun to see your interactions with BB’s JAlter.  I am looking forward to the dramatic reading of My Immortal: Bear Ass Edition : ) 

@stxrdust-pxper​

We haven’t talked much OOC properly, but we’ve known each other just about the same time as me and Norgie have been dating - so almost 2 years! You’re a pretty cool person, I’m happy you joined my new server because it’s given myself and others a chance to chat with you more. Thank you for all the kindness you’ve given me throughout the time we’ve known each other, I’ve never said it until now, but it truly has stuck with me and helped me become happier.

@bloodsoakedsakura​ / @idoldragos​

There’s actually a lot I’d like to say, some I’ll leave out for now. For starters, thank you for having my back for three years straight. Seriously. You’ve been there for me through a whole lot, honestly surprised you’ve stuck with me for as long as you have.  You’ve stood up for me when the time came for it and I’m honestly so thankful you did. Every time you hop in call with us it’s usually always fun and stupid (in a good way), so thank you for being part of my band of misfits as long as you have Sades. Even though you’re a boomer who didn’t stop me rolling 200 of my Quartz, I forgive you... dontkillmepls

@yuichiroswife​

Speka, you’ve been a great help to me and Norgie a great amount of times as of late. Thank you so much, you’re an incredibly kind person and I’m glad we became friends!!

@muniificus​

I’ve known you for 3 years too I’m 90% certain, it’s insane how long I’ve known a lot of you - it feels like forever but it also feels like time has gone by so quickly! Much like Sades, I’m very thankful you’ve stuck around for as long as you have Icarus. Thank you for putting up with my dumb ass, and ultimately having fun in return! alsoihavethereplyforanastasiadraftedipromise

@fakepriest​

I’ve sent you an ask with a lot of what would’ve been said in here, but I want to let you know that I’m extremely grateful that you’ve kept being my friend to. I enjoy our conversations a lot, especially when we talk about things like Heaven’s Feel because they’re usually always such fun things to talk about. 

Much like the ask I’ve sent you, your Kirei is so scarily accurate it nearly simulates his actual personality flawlessly. That’s how scary good at writing this tofu loving fake priest. I’m so happy it’s you who’s writing him, not to play the pedestal game, but I genuinely can’t see anyone else (not even myself) coming close to how phenomenal your portrayal is.  #kireisquad

@arkdiia​

Though our first conversation first chatting again wasn’t expected, I’m super glad you came back to Tumblr and I’m thrilled to be friends w you again! Hopefully for 2020, you and I /both/ catch a break lmfao.

@saintguine​

Much like Anna, I’ve already told you what I wanted to here in the form of an ask a few hours ago - however, I do wish to say smth that I’m sure a lot of people feel. Regardless of how you think about yourself, you’re a very good person BB and we’re all very blessed to know you. You’re absolutely one of my best friends, and though there was a point where we lost communication for a bit, I’m very grateful our friendship is the exact same. 

We all care u BB, thank u for bein gud to all of us

Kayla & Sere

This post is incredibly long already, luckily I’m just about done -- but I’ve got three people to go starting with you two!

Sere, you’ve heard me vent a lot and you’ve known me (Kayla has known me this long too) for a pretty damn long time if you ask me, 3 years may not seem like a lot to people, but with all the stuff we’ve all gone through these 3 years? It’s been a LOT and I can’t say I’d be the person I am without you hearing my dumb ass vent and creating Cursed Night.  I appreciate all of your icons, thank you for giving us (Hell) special treatment with them. Seriously! While you are a best friend for sure, you’re also practically family to me. Thank you again for everything. 

Kayla, the same of what I said for Sere is said for you. You’re legit like my older sister, you’ve been there for me for just bout the same amount that Norgie has; you’re someone who means a lot to both me and Norgie, so thank you for giving talking to us a chance way back when you were shy (I think that’s what it was!). There have been a lot of ups and downs for all of us, but I’m glad the downs at least had the positive effect of giving me a second family who I love dearly. I actually teared up on this part, so god help me when I write for Norgie.

@letoborn​ / @uwuwrote​

I’m going to save a lot of what I want to say to you for our anniversary in June, but I will say a few things because I love you so very much.

When I met you, I was not expecting you’d turn out to be the woman of my dreams. You’re genuinely my better half, and I have never been as happy as I am than I am with you. You’ve truly had the biggest impact in my life Norgie, you’ve made me laugh, cheered me up when I’m sad, called me out when I was dumb and helped me better myself. 

I’m so incredibly happy I got to spend the rest of the last decade being your boyfriend, and now, going into 2020 - a whole new decade with you. Like I said, you’re my better half - I can’t see myself with anyone else but you. You’re the greatest treasure in my life, I’m so happy we’ve had all this fun with roleplaying.

Thank you so much Norgie, for giving me Orion/Artemiis, all of our other ships - being my soulmate (at least, I think so). I hope 2020 treats us both well, but I’m willing to go through whatever as long as it’s with you.

Now, that’s the end of that -- but I have a few extra things to say.

My 2019 has been...quite possibly the hardest year of my life, at least on the internet. For a very long time, I was fearful of interacting with others - I made mistakes that I wish I could take back, I got put through hell for nothing...man, I don’t wanna go back in and say what happened, what is and isn’t true -- the long story short is, shit happened, but it’s the past now. 

I want to go into 2020 just..as positive as I can be, I’m tired of the drama, I just want to have fun with my friends and my girlfriend you know? So, I’m finally choosing to move on and just...try having fun again. This choice would be impossible without the people mentioned in this post. 

From the bottom of my heart, thank you to all of you who have stuck around through it all for me. I’m so incredibly thankful to be part of the friendgroup I’m in, to know everyone I’ve met who’s put up with me. I’ve had so many times where I wanted to leave this site, but I wanted to keep trying to write with everyone -- to have fun with everyone. You all have no idea how genuinely happy you’ve all made me, just by writing with my Orion and Norgie’s Artemis. 

Though I couldn’t think of anything to say specifically for the others tagged below here, thank you all for everything as well -- just following me makes me happy. I’m sure I’ve forgotten some people, but trust me, I’m so very happy to know all of you.

@dekirukoto @wisesteyed @lacobscur @akhilleuskcsmcs

[leafticket]

hi!!!! it’s been a while. idk how many ppl have rly been following my updates n stuff (not that there have been too many anyways LMAO) but things have been A Lot 4 me lately (as is the case 4 everyone these days obviously) so i haven’t been sharing my progress on madeira At All Whatsoever. but im gonna try to recap as much as i can in this post since i last shared (day 3 i think? wild) cuz i rly wanna make an effort to document this!!

this is what my map looks like as of today! here’s what’s what and who’s who:

islanders: charlise and antonio (starters); norma, rex, and winnie (housing plot challenge but i met norma on a mystery tour); raymond (campsite); freya and zucker (met on mystery tours); and mathilda and hopper (moved in naturally)! rizzo also showed up at my campsite one time but I uh. didn’t l*ke him so i left him there and didn’t invite him to my island JDHSKDHSKHDD 😔 it was cruel of me but i don’t regret it

amenities: museum, nook’s cranny, able sisters, campsite, airport, and upgraded residential services! also two bridges!

i don’t remember if i ever posted a screenshot of my map from my first few days of playing but if i did u might notice that charlise and i both moved our houses! hers was blocking the way of a horizontal bridge so i shifted her a bit to the right so she wouldn’t be as close to the river anymore. i moved my own house to make room for more islander housing plots and i decided to go on a cliff where i could be near the ocean! i love it a lot but it’s kinda tedious to use a ladder every time i wanna go up or down JDHSKDJDJ but im gonna invest in an incline soon i think

here r some pics of my house! it’s a huge wip cuz i haven’t been good abt grinding for bells 😔 but it’s coming along i guess

the left hand pic is what it looks like from the outside! initially my roof was green but i switched it to red to match the door better. idk how to change the exterior of my house like i think i have to unlock it somehow? but this is kinda ugly so i hope i can do it soon

the middle pic is my living room! the art hanging on the walls is a thing from work that means a lot to me 🥺 and the right pic is my bedroom! i wanna put some art on the walls here too — school spirit stuff cuz im a nerd and a dumbass hehe. wish i had more / better furniture but i rly like the size and feel of each of these rooms

i kinda hate that i had no choice but to put a room in the back, if it were up to me i wouldve donenit on the side or smth cuz i hate back rooms tbh. when i get more rooms im probably gonna move my room to a side one and use this room for smth else but i haven’t figured it out yet

im Terrible @ interior design in animal crossing like i just keep putting everything along the walls and saying fuck it 😔 so hopefully i get better furniture and stuff soon cuz she is looking ROUGH!

some ideas for other rooms: art studio / gallery upstairs; a music room and a kitchen or bathroom along with my bedroom on the main floor; a space-themed room or like an indoor garden or smth in the basement! :”~)

and now for some other updates:

i bought nintendo switch online and ive done some island hopping w a few irl pals! i have soooo many ppl (irl and online) i wanna play w omg im just scared 2 ask 🤡

special chars ive encountered: cj, flick, sahara, gulliver (i would die for him), wisp, daisy mae, celeste, and queen ISABELLE! also zipper but he doesn’t rly count lol. speaking of which i am SO tired of eggs it’s tew much!

im now in the tarantula business babey!!!!!!!!!!!!

Norma got sick one day and the next day I found a face mask in able sisters JDJFKSHFKJ

Raymond tried to move out on me and i REFUSED! to let him out of my sight. he’s stuck w me forever... i love him (but like. in a chill way. not like some of what ive been hearing abt cuzzzz... 😬)

project k is um. Slow. cuz im also trying to figure out my house and also my life has been in some Shambles Lately Lemme Tell You. but im working on it lol.. right now im @ a 2 star rating and im despondent like i have no room to put more outdoor furniture, i like having weeds cuz i think they look pretty and natural, i hate fences, and planting flowers takes too much effort so like. guess kk will never come cuz im stubborn and also an idiot 😌

FINALLY! LAST BUT NOT LEAST! here’s a video of isabelle singing my town tune (which is the same as it is in new leaf: my favorite part of the london cast recording of “practically perfect” from the mary poppins musical. i am fucking crazy but im free). anyways let me tell u seeing her sing this STRAIGHT UP brought me to tears cuz i was so Delighted and Charmed so i hope it makes u delighted and charmed too (but maybe not tearful abt it unless u want to be!) :”~) until next time!

[ts-akhmim]

Rites of Passage

TJ: Bodhi – I don’t know that much about you, but I’ve heard you are a crackhead, so I guess I’m ok having saved the experience of playing TS with you for a different time. It would have made the original tribes a lot more interesting to say the least, lol.

AMIR: I am so angerry we didn’t get to play together!!! I wanted to work with you back in Survivor Cutthroat and when I saw you were cast on this season i was excited to play with u again and was robbed of the opportunity AGAIN!  u were also the only person on this cast that i have played with previously so the familiarity was lovely, so anyways u were robbed even tho you got like a 35 in the first challenge luv u always

AUTUMN: I wish we had gotten to play together longer! I’m glad we’re in another game together because I think you’re a cool guy and I appreciate your humor, honesty, and just candor about everything. I know in the moment the vote felt very hurtful but it was purely about the challenge and wanting Thoth to be as strong as possible moving forward (little did we know what was coming lmaaaaoo)

TJ: Trace – Another person I never got to meet in this game, but everything I heard from the Brains that I did get to talk to was that you were a super nice guy and really respectable. Sorry this season didn’t work out for you; I think we all know we can just blame Thoth for being a cursed tribe!

AMIR: We never got to meet :(  may b in the afterlife

AUTUMN: I hope you’re well! Honestly your death felt like true Survivor because the target was someone else but once Devon and I found out that you had made an alliance with everyone except us, I flipped it and said you had to be the one to go. I think the game would’ve been completely different had you stayed because there’s no way you would’ve let me get this far and once I realized you wanted me on the bottom, I was like ok Trace is the real deal he knows I’m trouble hahaha. You’re a great guy though and I hope you understand it was just game

TJ: Isaac – The third person I have never met in this game (I feel bad, Autumn is going to be the only one of us three who can actually say anything about these first three). I know you brought an interesting dynamic to the tribe based on the tribals I had watched, so kudos to you for being able to make an impact on the tribe. Another person I think we can just blame Thoth and not really blame anything gameplay wise, lol.

AMIR: Bane of my existence but also taken way too soon from us smh, you didn't deserve to be on cursed ass thoth, rip in peace’s sweet bottom

AUTUMN: You’re so sweet and wholesome and I really miss our conversations. I was being dumb and naive when you told me Scott and Duncan were a duo because I was an alliance with them and Devon. So I very much wanted to believe we were rock solid but YOU KNEW!! You called it before anyone else and for that, I stan. That alliance is literally the reason you want home and I just didn’t want to turn on them at the time. But in hindsight you were right about a lot of things and I appreciate your kindness and maturity about it all even though you were lowkey robbed

TJ: Austin – I never thought that we would reconnect after a few years away from being on the same site, so it was a great surprise to realize that you and I had actually played a couple games together in the past. I wish we had more than 24 hours together to maybe see what a future in this game could have been like. You are just as genuine of a guy as I remember you being, so that was really nice for me to see.

AMIR: Hello king of dairy queen, we honestly never talked too too much but you always were really nice to me and everyone else on hathor, and even after you were voted out, you were kind and left so gracefully

AUTUMN: You were so fun to talk to and if it weren’t for Devon’s mist I would’ve saved you lmao. I almost wish that twist hadn’t happened because had we met at a normal swap, I think our good vibes could’ve turned into a great alliance and we got along super well. It was nice getting to know you in the time we had though and I hope we get a chance to really play together one day

TJ: Lovelis – I can’t apologize enough for having to vote you off both as early as I did and how I did so. I’ve played now two seasons of the Challenge with you, but I found that I built a better bond with you this season than those two seasons combined, and then it just snowballed into this giant series of unfortunate events the tribal we had to go to and there was nothing that I could do. I’m genuinely so sorry for not being able to tell you what was going on and hope there’s a small chance you may understand sometime down the line.

AMIR: I never got to meet you unfortunately but I always thought your name was pronounced Love-El-Leez and then someone said “Loveless” and i was shookums

AUTUMN: SIR WHERE DID YOU GO??? I love that you don’t give a single fuck though haha because mood and I love dramatic exits- do you boo

TJ: AJ – Other than a brief convo during the Osiris vote, you and I never really got to meet. From what I did see, you seem like a really nice person and one that I think got voted out way too early. Hopefully I can verify that myself in another game if there is one in our future, but I wish we had been able to meet and see what could have been!

AMIR: You are so funny and and one of my fav people from Hathor 1.0 when it was such a simple time, also your winter bells score was inhumane and you had a great presence to be around, i just had a hard time ever trusting u and ya hehe

AUTUMN: ROBBED KING!! We didn’t really get to meet but thank you for sticking up for Adam on Hathor and for being honest with him. Although it led to a crazy divide amongst the beauties that lasted the whole game lmao (cmon impact!), I think that takes character to step out on a limb for someone especially when it risks your game. Merge would’ve been so much more iconic with you since I’m rooting for everyone brown haha. I hope we get to talk more after the game!

TJ: Connor – You seem like such a great guy and I wish I had spent more time trying to know you on Hathor. One of the things that always scares me in these games is when I can’t get a read on someone. I never was able to get a solid read on who you were and what you were capable of, and for that, that made you the person I was most threatened by in that circumstance. 

AMIR: 

AUTUMN: SIS I MISS YOU!! That tribe was BLAND after you left lmaaaoo I couldn’t wait for merge. Even though we didn’t talk a ton, I feel like we really vibed towards the end and just talking about Survivor seasons all evening. I screenshot your rankings and I reference them all the time/ they’ve been a fun conversation starter at merge. But anyway you’re hilarious and messy and iconic and I’m glad we got to meet. Also, you’ll be glad to know I finished Cagayan, I am neither Tony trash nor a Spencer fan, and I’m watching Pearl Islands now

TJ: Dan – Seeing you on the cast and on my starting tribe was almost like a little sigh of relief. Knowing someone and trusting that they aren’t going to just randomly screw you over is the greatest feeling in that initial stage of this game, and it sucks that it wasn’t able to go too much further than that since we got through an easy tribal at Brawn and then we got swapped onto opposite tribes. You and Drew brought me into this crazy world that is TS, and I hope I can complete that initial season now with a win here.

AMIR: Oh my gosh has it been a long time, I really haven’t seen you around or spoken to you in about 3 years, so seeing you in this game brought back a lot of nostalgia and memories from being in this community during like 2016 looooool, but it honestly was really nice to reconnect with you and see where we’ve gone in life since leaving here, wishing you the best (‘:

AUTUMN: Girl what happened??? I mean ok yes a part of me was relieved that you wouldn’t be able to kill me haha but you were robbed and we really could’ve fucked shit up. Had a different Apis member been over then instead of you, whew we would’ve done damage together on Hathor. It’s all good though- I hope everything is well with you and that you’re taking that well deserved break. All these back to back orgs we’ve been doing is getting OLD haha

TJ:  Scott – When I saw the cast reveal, I was so excited to meet you. I really thought I would be a Brain and that we would be on the same tribe. We would have worked so well together, and I hope in some alternate universe you come back to ORGs and we find each other in another game to play. 

AMIR: Scott !! Oh wow I have thots when it comes to your vote out, I did know u were getting voted out and I’m sorry, but honestly, you were just too good!! Our whole tribe was loyal to you dead ass, and I felt like if you got to merge, you would run the game using the brains and the beauties. U were just too damn likable during the game and I hope U understand why I did it

AUTUMN: Wheeeww Scott. I’m still gagged by that tribal that was something else. It was hard to see you go out like that because you truly deserve the best and have such a kind, amazing spirit. To the point where I would’ve had a hard time ever voting you or even getting anyone else to do the same so. Yes you were robbed but please don’t internalize it cause you were playing an amazing game (even had the boys confronting me about all the tea you shared haha/ gave me some messes to clean up) so please please please play again because you will WIN

TJ:  Liam – Of all the names I wrote down this season, yours was by far the hardest. Emotionally, I had really grown close to you and I felt awful for the situation you were in. Everything I told you that whole round and before that was 100% genuine. I just wanted to see the fight you had that first Brawn vote when I wanted to save you over Lovelis. You are one of the kindest dudes I’ve ever met in these games, and I have so much respect for you, your priorities, and how you carry yourself.

AMIR:  We never really got to talk much at all, but the few times we have talked you were always very sweet, I hope you are doing well. Autumn: Ok I do actually love you I swear haha. You’re a very sweet, compassionate guy and I could tell you were going through a lot which I 1000% get. But once merge hit, I knew shit would hit the fan really quickly so I basically got everyone to target you because most people didn’t know you too well and all the other Apis boys went with it because they were terrified of being the sacrificial brawn (since 5 of y’all made merge). I hope things are going better for you and I hope not having to worry about this wild ass game helped in some way. You thought you and I were tired back at pre-merge- girrrrrlll that was nothing hahaha

TJ: Jordan – If you told me Day 1 that you would be the person I would strategize the most with and become the closest ally too, I would have laughed in your face! I thought there was no freaking way that our personalities would click. And then I got to know you, we bonded over Survivor, and then a genuine friendship formed in this game. We made a F2 pact during the swapped Hathor tribe and I would have stuck to that to the end of this game. You are a great player and fun influence for these games, and I hope I made you proud throughout this merge.

AMIR: Oooof! Okay we did not leave on the best terms, you, similarly to dan, bring me a lot of nostalgia and you remind me of what it was like being in this community years ago. I never really got a chance to meet you in a personal way and get to know you at all until this game and I loved that we were able to reflect on the past and look back together, but unfortunately, by the time we did finally get on the same page, it was a little to late for me strategically. We got to connect over c*rcle and going to Ryerson and you’re honestly a real cool guy. I’m sorry for doing you dirty and I was happy to hear that you felt better the day after everything happened. I still stand by my decision and do not want to come across as a suck up, because I felt like you were after me prior to that point, and while I did feel a person connection after one call, my head still said that betraying all my allies for your plan was not smart for me. I truly do wish u the best and really hope u give me a chance outside the game, because that call we had did truly matter to me i swear I’m not evil looool Autumn: There’s so much I could say here but I’m gonna go about it like this: hi, I’m Autumn Hill and everything I do in Survivor is purely based on of strategy. I’ve always wanted to play with you just because of all the things I’ve heard about you but I knew we were too cracked to ever really work together. So I said yes to that alliance to appease Duncan and to keep an eye on you/ figure out how to take you out from the inside. There’s been a running joke all game that I just woke up and decided to kill you lmao and I swear that isn’t true. Yes I had been taking notes on you the whole game but no I was not waiting to specifically kill you at Final 11. I literally just wanted you and/or TJ to be captain because neither of y’all had done shit the whole game and it was already Final 11. Did I KNOW y’all would wile out and you would dig your own grave? No but I was really hoping you would hahaha. So you openly targeting me made it easy for me and then you snapping on everyone before tribal sealed it. I hope you don’t still hate me but I wouldn’t be surprised if you do even though I don’t think it’s justified because it’s literally just game and you had no intention of going to the end with me anyway. And I’m sure you’ve been praying I walk into jury but that has given me so much motivation to do the opposite you have no idea

TJ:  Duncan – Regardless of how our relationship in the game ended up, you are still someone that I enjoyed getting to know and genuinely connected with you during the Hathor swap. You are such a smart and genuine soul, and that’s not something that’s always easy to find in these ORGs. If I screwed something up between us, I’m genuinely sorry about that and would love to talk it out afterwards.

AMIR: *wendy_williams_with_the_hat_over_her_head_gif*  you did not deserve what happened to you in this game, i hope you believe me when i say I was super super happy to see that you’ve been cast in this game, and assumed from the moment of cast reveal that we would be working closely together. We connect well, we had a lot of important conversations and both being gay poc and our experiences and I always felt that we would be great allies. Unfortunately in the game, the round where you were getting voted out, I actually wanted you to stay but all my closest allies did not and I felt like being a leader in that round was not what's best for my game. I was upset to lose you way earlier than I wanted to and I hope you know me not warning was never personal, and i really hope you’ll want to be friends afterwards b/c I definitely do Autumn: My bb :( I STILL LOVE YOU BUT YOU KNOW HOW I AM!!! I can’t be tamed lmao and I just felt really suffocated by our alliance and paranoid about us having been together the whole game. Devon lowkey came between us on Thoth and I felt like you were jealous that I was close to someone else so when you got Devon to vote me back on Thoth I was really shook. Idk it felt like a warning shot, that you and Scott would basically dangle me off a cliff for no reason so I knew what had to happen. Then the alliance with Jordan and TJ happened and you didn’t fuck with Ali and Adam and I was like oooop I need to cook something up. Then I really started aligning with other people at merge (Jakey, Amir, Augusto, etc.) and I was like ok I need to cover my tracks. And Idk there were just a lot of weird moments where you voted TJ captain first but wanted me to convince everyone else to do Adam, you protecting Jordan during the immunity challenge and cutting Augusto’s rope only for you to force Devon to cut Jordan’s rope, lying to Adam about targeting him- so I just couldn’t do it anymore. I knew I was trying to go deep in this game and I felt like we couldn’t go any further together so I put the vote on you and it became unanimous since a lot of people were hurt by all the lies you told. So whew that’s the tea but you always said if I ever killed you, I better win and here we are lol and I hope I continue to make you proud

TJ: Devon – Ah, Slithers! I was so excited to reconnect with you because there was so much unfinished business between us after Guyana. There was so much we could have done that game, and I was glad to at least get a small taste of that in this game. I wish we had met before merge so that we didn’t have to throw something together right at merge. Your elimination was a blessing in disguise for me, because it was that round or the round before that I started becoming weary of the fact you were telling things to others you said you had only told me, so maybe it was good? You’re a strategic genius and I truly think you’d win if you came back one more time.

AMIR: Oh my god Devon you were always a confusing one for me, I felt quite close to you for a lot of this entire game and for a good portion of it, I actually felt quite loyal to you. When I met you at one world, we instantly clicked as people and I was excited for you to get back into the game and we were tight from that point on. At merge, things started getting complicated and at some point, I truly did start to get intimidated by your social game and how calculated you were about every single decision. I definitely was not the driving force behind your vote off but I also did not do much to try and stop it, overall tho, you protected me a bunch of times in this game over and over and I’m not ignorant to that and I’m thankful for that time we had as allies and friends mr 95% top Autumn: Girl what the fuck hahaha. I have half the nerve to leave the message with that but you’re lucky I still love you. To this day I have no clue why you turned on me and I was always loyal to you. So many people talked shit about you but I continued to give you the benefit of the doubt and forgive you. And I genuinely wanted to go to the end with you, Amir, and Augusto (or you, me and Ali) and had you actually believed me, you would be sitting here instead of me. But then you tried it and got the whole tribe to lie to me and if that wasn’t bad enough, you were coming at me for believing you were the rat (even though you, Amir, and Augusto were intentionally covering Kendall’s tracks) and saying you had my back no matter what. So between that and realizing that you were intentionally trying to put me on the bottom of the tribe is why I put a hit on you. I was truly never coming for you until you gave me a reason. So yes I was in my bag about it then but it’s all good now and I’m now back to thinking you’re a sweet, funny guy who deserves nice things. I miss the good ole days on Thoth ugh when we just call and laugh and make fun of everyone but alas. ALSO THANK YOU FOR CUTTING THE WRONG ROPES!! It’s one of my favorite moments of the game and it makes my day every time I think about it lmao I really need all the laughs I can get these days. Unless you actually have been rooting for me this whole time and you cut your allies’ ropes intentionally??? I can’t wait to finally hear that story hahaha

TJ: Ali – I need to start by apologizing for not replying the last hour-ish before your elimination. You are such a high caliber player – potentially the highest of caliber – that I didn’t want to give you any more information to possibly spook you and change what you and Jakey had talked about. You were someone I knew from the getgo that I couldn’t let you get far, and yet you cease to amaze me in your ability to be so freaking likeable and get far in these games. I will never forget doing the name scramble with you and I truly wish every challenge could have been that.

AMIR: WHHEWW weeeee i have so much respect for you, you have no idea. Like okay I never had met you but I knew that you were a godly player due to bbpokemon, but I never judge based on placements, but playing in this game with you confirmed that. Tbh tbh we were never gonna work out as loyal allies because you scared the absolute shite out of me as a player and had a damn toybox of powers, but i am glad that this game gave me the opportunity to get to know you as a person and ive come to really really like you. You were a force in the game but also super nice and respectful to everyone the entire way through and i can only admire that, and after like literally years of just hearing about you i get why everyone loves u

Autumn: I CAN’T DO THIS. I cannot cry over you twice in this game I really cannot. I cannot articulate the guilt I felt watching you die when you didn’t have to. I go back to that moment where you gave your negator power to Adam in case you died and it crossed my mind to tell you to play the idol on yourself because I just had a weird feeling. And like- we were right we knew we wouldn’t be able to do this whole game together because Auli is too powerful. But I just thought we had more time together. You really are like a brother to me and when you died, Adam and I called and he did all the talking for a good 15 minutes because I was on the other end just crying. But! This means you’ve joined the elite cause the only other allies I’ve MOURNED are Ned and Eddie. I just love how you are literally the nicest person but constantly have everyone shaking in their boots. Like the way all these people had a hard-on trying to get you out like 3 rounds in a row is just so powerful ugh. King of living rent free in everyone’s minds! Idk it would’ve been too good to be true for us both to go to the end but you  are truly a legend and I’m grateful for literally any time I get with you and I REALLY wouldn’t be here without your idol sis so your spirit really did live on

TJ: Jakey – Day One I really thought that you and I would be at the end of this game together. And even throughout that entire merge, despite a few ups and downs we both had, I really saw us sitting here together. It sucks that we got blindsided together and I didn’t have that chance to save you, but I am so glad that we were able to connect the way we did. Our dynamic in having information from both sides of the house was perfect for both of us, even if it was your downfall. I was not kidding when I told you after Jordan left that I still had your back and that I wanted to get us to the end. 

AMIR: I am so glad I got to meet you in this game because you literally became one of my fav people ever in the span of a month, and you know I love you. You’re someone I plan on being tight with for a very long time and have come to care about you so much, and we ended up calling like every single day for hours. You not being in the game anymore always did feel weird afterwards since you were essentially my other closest ally in terms of how you knew just about everything about my game and were kind of like a sounding board for me. I didn’t fully trust you sometimes, and I often think back to a “what if” and if we both could be here rn if my ass decided to take that risk and fully commit to this alliance and 100% trust you, but when this game is over, our nightly late night calls are probably going to be the main thing I remember and I am so appreciative that I got the chance to get to know you and become as close we did ❤️

Autumn: LMAO now see when you do clownery… I have so much respect for you and you are truly brilliant but girl you do too much haha and you know I’m OLD. I can’t do the back and forth and watching someone play both sides and have this je ne sais quoi energy about fucking everyone’s games up, allies included. Fam if you had waited to kill Ali ONE MORE ROUND, this game would’ve been yours. You had Amir and TJ whipped, you would’ve had me, Adam, and Kendall powerless, and Augusto would’ve kept chilling. But no I had to avenge Ali so me and Adam got to work and came up with a bunch of lies and truths to get you out and the kids ate it UP. But anyway, you’re still my son, you will bounce back, and I’m rooting for you in everything you do.  You’re hilarious and perceptive and cracked and I told all the POC’s every round you were the only white boy I would actually vote for hahaha and I mean that

TJ: Adam – My biggest personal regret is not getting to talk to you more and at least get to know you more on a personal level. You always seemed so sweet and we talked about a decent bit, but I don’t think I ever put my best foot forward to build that connection since we were never on the same side. You are such a kind, sweet guy and I wish more guys were like you. 

AMIR: Hello hunty, I think out of everyone in this cast, you are the first person I had ever met and it goes way way way back...like 2014 back. Our relationship is this game was…. ICONIC and messy to say the least. I was always a huge fan of your blog back then, and never thought we’d both end up on the beauty tribe. I honestly saw so much potential for us being super close allies, and at some point, I considered you my closest ally during day 1-2. The issue was the creation of an alliance without you in it, and then that alliance targetting you and you getting word of it which just kinda set us on the wrong foot from the very beginning because you didn’t trust me and I was anxious about that. It was literally all just shitty circumstances because bible i literally wanted to work with you so bad. We eventually set things straight again, but due to alliance lines, previous mistrust, and the people we were both working with, we ended up being on opposite sides and never were able to work out on a strategic level despite the fact that we always meshed well on a personal level, it was unfortunate but also kind of an iconic rivalry/alliance thing that was going on

Autumn: MY BABY!!! When you died I was just numb and I miss you so much. That happening right after I finally won immunity was just cruel and my system short circuited. We had a million alliance chats and just like that the house was empty and it’s just been quiet all the rounds since. Tbh I was triggered cause I was ALONE alone in Crossroads so when you died I was just sitting at Final 5 with the idol like awww shit here we go again haha. You are one of the funniest, kindest, most loyal, and most authentic players I’ve ever met and your social game is TOP SHELF sir. Watching you lie and finesse and manipulate people round after round actually cleared my skin. In my mind, I always referred to you as the Mad Hatter because you always had tea and you always had something brewing on the stove haha. I miss our conversations so much and I really wouldn’t be here without all the trust you put in me and for being like “giiiirrrl you need to get on the blog RIGHT NOW.” You know I can make hoes mad all by myself haha but it was at its best when you were by my side

TJ: Augusto – I want to mirror what you said about me in your goodbye message. You are so pure, you are so likeable, you are such a king when it comes to the social game. I didn’t think our games would gel that much coming into this game, but once we got over the little hump that was the first couple rounds of merge, I really clicked with you and enjoyed meeting you this game. I wish we had followed the plan and you’d still be here over Amir, but ‘tis the game.

AMIR:  This is probably the hardest one to write because you have been my partner in crime and my closest ally since day 1 in this game, and I truly did want to go to the end with you and Kendall. You kept me sane for like the majority of the game and I 100% could not have made it here without you. I am not going to diminish the impact that you had on this game and how big of a factor you were in my survival. I have never lied or kissed ass when I said I believed you played one of the strongest games by far. As a person, I love you and you know I mean that and have enjoyed your friendship a lot over the past month, and really really hope we’ll be friends after this game. The game does not feel the same without u there and i miss your dumb gay memes that make me cackle, and im sorry for how things ended up, I truly felt like at that point, it was me going home or u, and i chose to pick me. I don’t want to dwell but I also don’t want to invalidate how badly I screwed you over and how you get to be mad for it. i cant wait 2 talk to u after the game  

Autumn:Lmaaaaooo listen. That whole thing was one of the most cracked things I’ve ever done in my entire org career and Iiiiii don’t wanna get into it here but I will so that miss Amir can’t take credit for it hahaha. Basically…. what had happened was… I was very much going to idol Amir out but he randomly came into my pm’s after TJ won immunity and begged that we work together and that I spare him if I had the idol even though he had just killed Adam. And it took a lot of convincing but I thought about how well positioned you were to go to the end with anyone so I said: yes Amir but I’m killing Augusto which means you’re going to tell the beauties you have the idol since everyone has to vote me. Meanwhile TJ was talking to me and being very straight up that it was between me and Amir/ it was based on who had the idol. So I threw Amir under the bus and said everyone was giving the game away to him and that TJ was no better for always talking shit but never doing anything about it. And he kept trying to corner me into saying I had the idol and that “everyone was still concerned” so I got tired of going back and forth and was just like lemme go address everyone in the tribe cause I’m not doing this all day when I know I’ll be at Final 4 no matter what. So that’s when I gave a monologue in the tribe chat about how everyone should be honest with me and that there’s no point in lying when I’m essentially a sitting duck. Then you and Kendall admitted to voting me, which allowed me to a) play the idol correctly and b) split you and Amir. Tbh I just felt like you had the best spot in the game because the whole round it like never crossed your mind that you could die and I was like oop hold my beer. Meanwhile you had talked shit about Amir’s game to me more than once so I started twisting the knife on him and when you weren’t talking to him as much, Amir really got paranoid and was like they’re gonna kill me soon I just know it I’m all in. So that’s the tea. But! You know it was strictly game because I adore you and I legit called you more than anyone in this cast haha. I just got spooked about you getting any deeper in the game. You have a great heart and I hope we can still be friends after this because you’re an amazing person and I’ll always be here for you

TJ: Kendall – You haven’t even been gone for 24 hours and I already miss your lunatic history facts! I never expected to meet someone in this game who I truly understood and care about in this game, and that’s exactly what I found starting very early in that merge with you. You are so freaking quirky, but so am I so I get it completely. I wish everyone in this game got to see how amazing you were and how you were completely robbed from being able to make the finals with me. I truly think I met a friend for years to come with you, and I’m so grateful for that. (Also ps, apparently we had a flirtmance going according to the other two… I wasn’t aware of this, lol).

AMIR: This is interesting because I kinda already messaged you yesterday right before the vote with everything I have to say, in the end, you have the right to feel how you feel and your reactions are 100% valid. I apologize for lying to you and blindsiding you, It was not an easy decision and I own it, and even writing this right now is quite difficult because I want to talk about the hilarious and amazing times we had together and make it a cute rop, but I know the wounds are still fresh and I know you said you are not happy with me rn and I would not want to act oblivious to your current emotions. Maybe if I make it to jury or FTC, you will be able to say everything you want to say to me and we can move on from there and pick up where we left off,

Autumn: Sis I don’t even know where to begin with you haha. Because we were never allies or even friends lmao but we always had mutual respect for each other the whole game and just tried to stay out of each other’s way. I do genuinely believe you get a bad wrap for no reason and people talked a lot of shit about you for no real reason. And I love that both the women in the game were despised but for different reasons haha. You were playing a good game tbh and even though I really considered sitting beside you at the end, it frustrated me that you (like Augusto) felt like you were guaranteed to be at the end and you were essentially the prettiest girl at the dance and meanwhile I had to fight for my life every single round since Final 6. So I was like ok if sis really wants to go to the end, then she’ll pull up and meet me at firemaking haha. Amir went back and forth about the whole thing and legitimately told me he was voting me earlier that day but I got in his head and I said you know damn well they will clip you at Final 3 no hesitation so unless you want this whole game to have been for nothing, you need to just send me to firemaking and if Kendall wins she wins and if I win I win. So, it was strictly strategic for me because there was no way for you, me, and Amir to all make final 3 and you and TJ were very transparent about voting me lol. But anyway! Thank you for your humor and patience and constant forgiveness throughout this game and your incredible knack for manipulating men. I salute you and I’m glad we got to meet

Amir: Tj tj tj oh wow oh wow, I literally feel like our relationship is like the disappointed dad (you) and me being the rebellious child who keeps promising to straighten myself out and then keeps up my fuckery. Anyway, it was a pleasure playing this game with you, you were kind to everyone, had a huge underdog hero arc, and you were probably the person who was onto my antics the most. Somehow after every vote, you’re like “I hate u but I get it so I still like u” and it was just a very wholesome hilarious relationship that I’ve had this whole game. You had me shaking during that final “autumn take me” riff raff and you deserve to be sitting in this spot just as much as I do

Autumn: Oh boy- not to be dramatic but killing you, my favorite adversary, wasn’t nearly as satisfying as I thought it would be. Listening to you talk last night made me realize how much heart you had put into the game and I felt really compelled to give you a chance to vouch for yourself at FTC just out of respect. But I know how allies get and I didn’t see a whole pocket of jurors voting for me over you when they had probably been rooting for you the whole game. So once my laptop died last night haha and I was sitting with my notes, it came down to a) leveling the playing field amongst the jurors, b) trying to picture what jury would really value, and c) how persuasive you are. If you could do aaaaaall that off the record to save your game, I knew you were gonna bring it at FTC. But it’s not the same without you. I have no one to tease, no one to call out, no one’s business to air, no one’s game to undermine lmao- it’s too quiet, everyone’s dead. The reason I love our relationship so much is because we think very similarly so our elaborate multi-round game of cat and mouse game gave a lot amusement and frustration but most importantly focus. We are literally the movie Catch Me If You Can and you’re were always watching me scam everyone and do the most and no one wants to listen to you so you take it upon yourself to chase me yourself round after round. And I was always watching you and egging you on and doing everything I could to throw you off my tracks haha. You’re my Tom Hanks and I’m your Leo and a lot of people made it easy on me but you never did and I have a lot of respect for that. You never miss a beat and you have fantastic instincts so after all this time, I can finally say I am a TJ fan, fedora and all

[cursivebloodlines]

Hi pals! It’s been a while since a longwinded rambly ass post lmao.

At the moment, I’m not quite sure what I’m doing in terms of threads and this blog. I really miss writing and I know it has been so long since I’ve replied to pretty much anything with the exception of the occasional reply I’ve done here and there over the past few days. I will always come back to writing in the end, I think.

I don’t want to say ‘I’m coming back’ and then adhere to it. Suppose I can say this is still an indefinite hiatus or semi hiatus until I can decide where I want to go. Meanwhile, I know my drafts are months old but when I feel the muse for them I will write them slowly at my own pace. That way, I don’t start getting stressed and anxious about being around; I’ll be on when I can. 

As usual, my main focuses will be Dougie and Lydia until I can find the muse for everyone else but if the muse calls for it, I will slip in the odd reply here and there. I understand that as it’s been so long since I’ve replied to the majority of my threads, I completely understand if the muse is no longer there for you. So if we’ve written together and I’ve owed you replies for months but you don’t have the muse for it anymore, please send me an IM so I can delete them from my drafts. We can always start something new if you’d so like, just let me know :) At least I won’t be replying to something that will lead nowhere in the end.

I might revamp this blog , I might add new muses -- I don’t know yet. I’ll figure it out slowly but surely. I may post open starters if I feel like it -- I don’t know. Thank you all for being so so patient with me while I’ve been flaky as hell. I completely understand if some people would rather not write with me because of how long it takes for me to reply or because I keep disappearing, etc.

I swear I actually had a point to make lmao. Basically, I have no idea what I’m doing but I’m gonna try and do a bit of writing even if it’s one post a day. Even if it’s just headcanons or self paras or something to try and jumpstart my muse again :) Just bear with me -- it’s a long ride. :’)

Much love to you all x

PS: If you ever want to talk away from Tumblr, you can have any of my social media platforms :) I follow back on all of them. Discord is cursivebloodlines#8329. My Instagram is jadestagram_ and my Twitter is _jadeylouise. and I’m sorta using Kik again which is jadeylou_. You can add me on all of them or none of them hahah. I also have WhatsApp -- IM me if you want it. and Facebook you can have if you message me privately :) The best way to reach me is probably Discord, Twitter or WhatsApp tbh as those are what I’m using frequently but ultimately the choice is yours :) You’re better off on those rather than Tumblr because half of the time, notifications for Tumblr don’t come through on my phone which is a pain!! 

And if I take longer than a few days to reply to your message -- please feel free to nudge me because I’ve probably forgotten it’s never because I’m ignoring you! I don’t mind you messaging me if I’m taking forever to reply to messages. Speak to you all soon hopefully :) xx

[dragonairlairgiveaways]

Thoughts on Let’s Go

So as someone who has beat the main game of Let’s Go Eevee (like I’ve said before I’ve played through Kanto so many times now. I can do it pretty much blindfolded.) I have thoughts both good and bad on it. There will be SPOILERS here so I advise you to scroll past if you’re new to Kanto especially but also if you’ve played through the region before but not here yet because there are some new things/changed details. ANYWAY: 

PROS

I really love how expressive both your Partner Pokemon and following Pokemon are. Interacting with them is such a delight and makes me even more attached to my Pokemon.

Kanto is beautiful. Whilst I wish they’d kept more of the Savannah/grassland feel it had in past generations (because it made Kanto unique vs temperate Johto it shares its landmass with), the region feels so full, vibrant and alive.

I really love the gym re-designs, even if some are only subtle. I also love seeing the Gym Leaders and E4 with defined personalities. I was ESPECIALLY happy to be able to see Sabrina’s telekinesis in action thanks to the graphics we have now. 

Pokemon distribution across Kanto is so much better than in past games and makes forming a balanced, structured team so much less of a nightmare. Same goes for the altered movesets. 

Pokemon Tower. Oh God, the cutscene was so short, sweet and subtle but made me cry. It gave us the emotional attachment the older Kanto games missed out on. 

I really appreciated the changes to important locations game-lore wise that made them more fitting. Pokemon Mansion for example made me super uncomfortable thanks to the additions of the cloning/testing equipment in the basement and the confirmation from Jessie & James that sweet old Mr Fuji is the same Dr Fuji that created Mewtwo. 

It gets its own section because Cerulean Cave is BREATHTAKING design-wise and a lifesaver with the valuable respawning items hidden in the crystal dust on the floor. 

I love the rival. He is an absolute sweetheart and I just want to hold and protect him. 

Player! Character! Is! Expressive! No more thousand-yard stare in cutscenes. 

Can Ultra Balls be this cheap in the regular games please? 

Leaf/Green finally, canonically exists other than when chosen as the player in FRLG and my heart is filled with joy by this y’all don’t even know. 

NPC Pokemon with nicknames show up with that nickname when spoken to, not with their species name and idk it’s such a small thing but makes me happy. 

I really love how self-aware this game is in terms of how Pokemon plots go by talking about the E4 and people asking/speculating that they’ll come deal with the threat. Y’know given how in past games they’ve largely been suspiciously absent and left everything to a child.

The cutscenes in general are pleasant to look at/watch and don’t run in forever and are less frequent. They hit a good balance here I think. 

Speaking of which, the ones that play before taking on the Legendary Birds/Mewtwo are INTENSE.

Pokemon Box in your bag is super convenient, I just wish it wasn’t just one big, huge box so I could organise better. 

Getting to dress up my Partner Pokemon is precious. 

Riding on Pokemon is great and there are some rideable choices that were a nice surprise. 

The replacements for HMs are so silly and I love them. 

I’m a shiny hunter so I think the new shiny hunting method is super fun and relatively easy depending on the Pokemon you’re hunting. Streaks are easy enough to build and avoid breaking and seeing the Pokemon with its shiny colouration in the overworld adds the little bit more of excitement to me. 

Cinnabar finally has an obvious volcano on the map even if you can’t actually access it in game. (it’s not like you haven’t let us roam around active volcanoes before, Game Freak.)

I really like the torches in Victory Road? Lmao it’s such a minor thing but it makes it feel more... idk.. magnificent, I guess? Like it’s a manmade cavern. The final test. It feels more like it now with those and the changes to the puzzles. 

Thank you for the random NPCs that will heal your Pokemon when you’re far from a city/town. 

The spy NPC was great. I love her. 

Rare spawns are a neat little mechanic. Area unknown in the Pokedex? LOL GUESS AGAIN. 

Cons: 

The big one: Only Kanto Pokemon. It’s a huge sticking point for me because it’s quite limiting and just... a tad annoying. I get this game was an experiment and with its success will likely come more Let’s Go side games but... it was still disappointing. Even if they couldn’t add all Pokemon from later gens, they could’ve at least added the prevolutions/evolutions of Kanto Pokemon that came later to give the region an expanded Pokedex and just added more diversity to the game. Lance having a Seadra really brought that point home for me when it literally has a DRAGON TYPE evolution he could’ve used. 

Whilst the capture mechanic is fine I miss wild battles. If you need to grind especially it’s annoying because you have to burn through Pokeballs to get EXP. It would be nice to just be able to faint wild Pokemon. 

The rideable flying Pokemon. I’d hoped for something more like the Soaring mechanic from ORAS but nope. You also have to go into the party menu to return the Pokemon to its ball to be able to move between gate/map areas. It would have been so much better if you could just press one of the buttons to do that so you didn’t have to go about constantly opening/closing menus.

Super sad Trainer Customisation is so limited. I’m pleased they kept the option for skintone choice but I wish we could at least change the eye/hair colour of the player character. What outfits we get to mix/match are cute I just wish there was more. 

The lack of Abilities pains me. They added depth to the game both in and out of battle and I sorely missed them. (Hello yes, why is your Pokemon not getting paralysed after coming into contact with my Raichu? Oh right, Static isn’t a thing here.) 

Getting Meltan itself isn’t hard even if you just briefly download Pokemon Go to get it. Getting Melmetal however? Good luck if you just play casually or not at all really with how the crate feature works. 

I like that the Go Park exists but I’m sad it replaced the Safari Zone and that it doesn’t work in a similar fashion to Pal Park. Wasting Pokeballs on Pokemon I have already wasted them on to catch one already is kind of annoying. 

You can’t ride the Legendary Birds and that is just straight up NONSENSE to me. 

I wish we could play with/feed our other Pokemon, not just our partner. Pokemon Amie/Refresh is one of my favourite mechanics in the main games so I’m sad it’s limited to only our starter here. 

Not specific to Let’s Go but given a huge part of Pokemon has always been playing with friends, having to pay for an online subscription to access trading/battling really rubs me the wrong way and I still think it’s a bad move on Nintendo’s part as a whole. When Gen VIII comes along and if Pokemon Bank gets ported to the Switch (or a similar thing) am I going to have to pay for both? That kind of sucks for kids who play if their parents aren’t willing to pay for it or for people who can’t afford it in general. 

Big Mad that outside of completing all the research in Go (Again, not something everyone can do, I have severe anxiety/agoraphobia and therefore cannot leave my house much.) the only way to get Mew is to pay the ridiculous price for the Pokeball Plus. An event Pokemon that has always been given out for free shouldn’t be behind a massive paywall. 

Grinding to be able to take on all the Master Trainers is hellish to be honest. And not a good feature in lieu of an actual post-game. 

RIP Sevii Islands, it would've been nice to at least visit the first three (since they only have Kanto Pokemon living on them in FRLG). But no. 

So overall... I liked it more than I thought I would. There are things in the game I really, really loved and hope to see more of (PLEASE let following Pokemon return in the main series, I’m begging you Game Freak). But I still have my hang-ups and things that I think removing/keeping out took away from the Pokemon experience as a whole. 

As side games I’d like to see more of them with hopefully some improvements. But I definitely have a preference for main game, regular mechanics as a whole. The games definitely won’t be for everyone and YES, they are incredibly easy even for a Pokemon game - which was the point - so for some people that might be a problem/make them boring given the lack of challenge but I’d still recommend giving them a go if you’re a die-hard fan of the franchise. You’ll be pleasantly surprised.

[archiveofolives]

fanfic memetiems!!!

@slipsthrufingers tagged me on this thing, ty!! which is to say, technically she didn’t but i saw ur note on introversion kt so i’m claiming it!!!

putting it under a cut bc i got wordy af lol

OK HERE WE GO

At what age did you start writing fanfiction?

i'm gonna say around 10. maybe latter part of my single digits to early part of my teens. i won't say what my first fanfic was bc i have at least one mutual who's going to block me if i say it (and they have no reason to know anyway lmao) BUT i'm gonna reveal that @slipsthrufingers the demon unearthed it from the depths of the internet once and read it :p

Who is your favorite author?

HERE'S THE THING if ure my friend, i love ur writing. see, i think writing and storytelling are both such human traits that i just want to encourage it out of everyone even when they have a tendency to repeat a sentence 7 times in 2 paragraphs. and i mean, who cares? this isn't a school contest and between capitalism and fascism, i doubt anyone even still cares these days

(altho this much i will say: i'm glad this question isn't about who was my favorite writer back in the rp days. i will, otherwise, go on forever bc the list doesn't stop at u duckie lol)

Favorite type of scene to write?

i am such a trash for dialogues. like, i could be writing my book, space dads or space vikings and i always notice that my banters, my jokes, just anything traded between two people at the least take a life of their own! sometimes it's convenient, a lot of times it's not. i've lost track of my scenes and my plots a lot of times because of this. about the only times i was able to control myself lmao was when i was rping bc...i literally can't control the other character i'm writing with

What is your favorite fanfic?

i don't have one favorite fanfic, i have several i love for several kinds of reasons. but most of them are space dads.

What tags do you avoid like the plague?

incest, pwp and other similar stuff mostly. i'm fine with them existing, i mean part of the reason the tagging system was created was so we could filter out whatever we don't like but i just don't go there, y'know?

What AU do you wish to write but feel like you won’t manage?

OH YOU MEAN THE IDEAS I HAVE IN MY HEAD BUT CAN'T AND WON'T GET TO UNTIL I FINISH MY ODINSONS FIC U MEAN AHAHAHAHAHA

ummm here's the thing: i like to think i have quite the talent for aus. @safarikalamari knows this, i have written her fics of such a nature and described others to her. the trick really is just to find two canons with some workable similarities between the roles and the setting so you won't have to shoehorn everything. if u need help with ur au, ping me, i'll be happy to be of service lmao

OOH BUT i will share this much: once upon a time, i tried to write a fic where atty. phoenix wright, a hogwarts alumni belonging to gryffindor BC COME ON IT'S IN THE NAME, took on the case of sirius black against a prosecutor with a perfect no-lose record, miles edgeworth. whose house i forgot, i think it was ravenclaw. BUT MAN, I HAD IT ALL WORKED OUT, gumshoe was there! and so was ema who's science > magic and maya! maya was gonna try to summon peter pettigrew's spirit so they could question him but obviously she couldn't do it bc he's still alive lmao so she feels like she's a failure and gets heartbroken and runs to the shrieking shack to hide from the world and nick finds her and they investigate the place but it's remus' party night so all that werewolf howling scares the living hell out of them and they run out the forest and come the next morning, they find out on accident thanks to ema's sciency stuff that a lock of hair they picked up along the way belongs to a wolf-like thing. it becomes an important piece of evidence to prove remus' innocence, yes.

Do you outline or write as you go?

if we're talking about fics, i've always written as i go. i got the scenes plotted out in my head and i keep an eye on them from there but the farthest i went with outlining is listing the dialogues i've already come up with (see, again with the dialogues) and then just filling in the deets later, often adding more dialogues to make the flow smoother

What has been your favorite story to write so far?

right now, i have the softest spot for this au i wrote for mari bc after that, my creativity just got sapped out lmao. but i remember that that was really fun to write and reread, i was practically unstoppable.

Do you prefer to write one-shots or multi-chapters? Why?

both. the difference is that the one-shot is the expectation but the multi-chapter becomes the reality >.>;; but i think, I THINK this odinsons fic is going to be a one-shot ❤

What is your favorite kind of comment?

i have a special place for the ones who tell me how much they agree with the fic and my characterization and how it made them feel. and particularly for thor and loki, i love the ones who thank me for writing an odinsons fic that is not incest but very brotherly. :3

Why did you start writing fanfiction? Why are you still writing it?

i started writing fanfic bc my sister started it first. SERIOUSLY a lot of things i do now is bc she did it first and i thought i had to do it to if i wanted to become a full-fledged human being! I'M NOT KIDDING, THAT'S HOW MY MIND WORKED. it's like if you're gonna evolve your starter pokemon, you need a few exps? I THOUGHT FAN-FICTION WAS MY EXP TO EVOLUTION. and then i kept doing it bc you know, it's become a habit for me? but i stopped for a LONG time when i started seriously rping (i remember having like 12 active characters in 6 separate games at one time, it's crazy) and then when rp fizzed out and slowly died, i started churning out like...one, two every couple of months or so? and then i got into the rogue one fandom and literally EVERYONE I KNEW was writing fics, then?? so i got on board and now i'm doing it for thor and loki and HOPEFULLY, hopefully, i get to do it for final fantasy, too. ❤ and maybe get back on the space dads, too, bc i have yet to write my neighbors au lololol

i'm gonna end this post with two things: 1. i'm gonna tag @egregiousderp, @ironmanwlw, @safarikalamari and @whatufish4

2. i'm gonna cite the deep magic on u, kates: we should write together again :p

[isuzukuretsuki]

Welp I finished Psychedelica of the Ashen Hawk and my biggest comment is that this game has more plot holes than swiss cheese.

*insert more shifty eye uncomfortable emojis* 

What was...... that convoluted mess of a game I just played? Like this is reaching Zero Escape level of plot holes and “wow the writer clearly has no idea what the hell they are doing”. I don’t even know where I’m gonna start breaking down the amount of issues. Lots of spoilers beneath.

My favourite order is prob Levi > Elric > Lugus > Hugh > Eiar > Aria > Tee > Lord > Olgar > Lawrence >>>> Lavan >>>>>>>>>> Francisca

For starters, this felt like less of an otome game and more of a gang bang 5p fuck pile orgy. Seriously. One moment, Eiar is making out with Lavan, the next moment, Eiar is dreaming of sleeping with Lugus and wakes up panicking because “oh no! I think I’m in love with Lugus!”. If the romance is “the heroine being passed among all the guys”, I’d rather there be no romance at all. It felt more like a fucking badly written reverse harem anime than an otome. I had this problem with PBB but boy it was not this level of bad. 

None of the characters really develop, none of the relationships really develop. Let’s not even get started on the fact that 2/4 of your love interests are your adopted brothers who are actually your blood cousins. At first I enjoyed Lugus’s enchantment with Eiar but it doesn’t develop beyond that. Why is Lugus even in love with Eiar? His feelings never felt like anything beyond captivation, and the same applied for Eiar. Why is Lavan in love with Eiar? Because he’s some gross nii-chan lusty pervert who’s in love with his adopted sister??? IDK. 

The only one who genuinely felt like he loved Eiar was Levi, and even Levi’s character was butchered with the whole “yeah I’m a serial killer who enjoys inflicting pain onto other people”. Even if you blame it on the ~magical stone~, the revelation was like a slap in the face and it was so disconnected w everything we knew of Levi. The writers clearly didn’t know if they wanted to write him as a character who’s sadistic and ruthless, or if they wanted to write him as a character who was manipulated by his mother into becoming her assassin through abuse + gaslighting. The writers aimed for both, and failed miserably at both. 

Speaking of Francisca, the fact that Francisca is an evil bitch is literally NEVER brought up lol???? Like when Levi admits that Francisca was using him as an assassin, Eiar and Lavan are shocked but.......... that’s it. Especially in Levi’s ending, the fact that there’s never a hint of acknowledgement that Francisca was abusing him is jarring to say the least. There’s never any real discussion of how Eiar and the Wolf brothers feel about Francisca after they find out what she did to Aria and Olgar. Like wow we just found out our mom is a piece of shit, let us NEVER DISCUSS THIS or have ANY heart to heart talk about this EVER. Because that will give our characters perfect closure! The fact that Eiar never returns to her real name, the name given to her by her mother, also kind of bothers me.

Francisca’s character was honestly butchered along with Levi after everything she did to Aria was revealed. "That evil slut is taking away all the men in my life!” is not a good enough motive to burn a completely innocent woman to death, sorry. Her love for her sons felt shallow and her love for Eiar felt like she was just trying to show up Aria. I can’t find any redeemable thing about her and her character just ended up being at to the bottom of the barrel along with Rika and Mejojo. The only emotion I got out of the whole dumpster fire between the parents was “wow Aria deserved so much fucking better”.

Now lets get started with all the fucking plot holes this game has. 

For starters, if the whole town is actually Psychedelica and everyone lost their memories, it makes no sense for Francisca to be the only one who remembers killing Aria, and there’s never any indication to confirm whether or not Francisca is actually aware the fact that everyone is in Psychedelica.

Speaking of Aria, that scene where Aria is shown to be slumbering in the abyss and stops the kids from completing the Kaleido Via makes no sense either. For starters, why is Aria even in the abyss? She died in the real world, so her soul should have moved onto the afterlife, or she should have been trapped in the Psychedelica town too. Actually, the fact that she isn’t trapped makes no sense. Olgar activated the Kaleido Via with a desire to see Aria again (similar to Hikage with Usagi), so it makes no sense for Aria’s soul to not be drawn to the town if the town was created through Aprus and Olgar’s collective desires.

I don’t really understand why tf Aria would want to stop the kids from completing the Kaleido Via when that’s literally the only method to free the souls of the town so they continue into the afterlife? It’d make sense for Aria to stop them if their souls would go into the abyss, but again, it’s explicitly stated that your soul will only end up in the abyss if you die in Psychedelica. And again, the fact that Aria is supposedly in the abyss makes no sense in the first place. The scene with the kids and the kaleido via was so out of place it was ridiculous. How do you not remember a scene where a shard flew into your friend’s eye and caused her to bleed everywhere?

Moving on, it’s literally never explained what the hell is up with Eiar’s red eye. It can be assumed that Eiar inherited it from Aria who really was a witch, but then that doesn’t explain why only one of Eiar’s eyes glow red and not both. 

MOVING ON, who the fuck is Hugh and literally what is his damn role in the story. Like I looove character types like him bc and I’m a huge sucker for “mysterious observer characters who act as the story’s narrator” not to mention he’s beautiful but Hugh’s origins and role remains wishy washy from start to end and his character ends up being a plot device to give 30 minute info dumps on the plot. Like, he’s the dumb dead bird that lived with Ashen Witch (whom I assume is Aria’s mother), and after he’s killed by Aprus, Ashen Witch... releases his... soul? So he becomes... a mindless traveler traveling between the different Psychedelica worlds...? I guess??? It’s implied that Hugh is the one who gave Hikage the kaleidoscope but again, how or why he did so is never explained either. I also dunno wtf is up with his ending where Eiar just magically turns into a butterfly and whooshes away with Hugh.

I still have no idea what was with that scene where he chats with Aria about the stories in the Links ending, and I definitely don’t know what was with that scene where Aria talks with Eiar and decides to name her non born child off of her (who is the same Eiar). Like what?? are dreams and timelines converging or something??? No clue.

Also. What the fuck is the deal with Lawrence and Elric??? THAT’S NEVER EXPLAINED? Like yes, I know that much that they’re Kagiha and Hikage respectively but literally wtf is Kagiha and Hikage doing in Aprus/Olgar’s Psychedelica. Lawrence clearly retains his memories as Kagiha, but Hikage never does and it’s like ??? why?? Also why is Usagi in a form of a rabbit in this world? WHO KNOWS. I was just so tired of this game that by the time I was half way done all the endings I just wanted it to be over already.

No joke, I seriously thought that PAA took place in the real world where Hikage was born and raised because of the medieval/historical setting and we’d learn more about the lore of the manor and the kaleidoscope. Honestly though, I wish it was because it prob would have made this game a million times better. If the game was split between a “wolves” and “hawks” path like BWS, it probably would have fixed some of the problems with the terrible romance.

The one good thing I will say about this game is that it’s the first otome game localization from Aksys I’ve played that didn’t give me a migraine because of no proof readers. There were some issues with wrong tenses being used but other than that it wasn't littered with typos like literally EVERY OTHER otome they’ve localized so far lmao.

Presentation wise, this game is beautiful. The sprite work is beautiful and the cgs are amazing. I loved the character designs for all the guys like A++ pretty boys. Unfortunately, the OST really lacked in comparison to PBB this time around. This game had so much potential but everything just fell apart the further and further you go and that’s what makes it even more disappointing. It’s setting and premise were a million times more interesting than PBB. Like medieval setting? Check. Feud between two clans with the heroine caught in between? Check. It had everything I loved and I was confident I was going to love it but the execution was just so terribad that I don’t love it. I can’t love it. I do love all the characters sans Lavan and Francisca though and I think they all deserved better. They deserved better writing. They deserved better development. I wish I could just rework this entire game from the ground up because that’s how frustrated I am with it lmao.

TLDR; I am very very disappointed with this game and it’s such a shame because I loved Black Butterfly to bits and pieces but this game ended up being a convoluted mess of bad and inconsistent writing. PBB had a rather weak premise with an uninteresting and incredibly cliche “all childhood friends in love w the heroine and there’s ~tragedy~!”. However, it had a very interesting and well written lore and universe while simultaneously being clean and easy to understand so it didn’t make any unnecessary loop holes for itself. PAA was the complete opposite. I enjoyed the connections this game made to the first game, but that was pretty much it. 

anyway wow that was long, this is the first time I’ve played a game where all I can do is go on a tangent about all the problems I’ve had with it. Hopefully other people enjoyed this game more than I did HAHA.