#i want to see the way he looks at me all lovedrunk and silly after we break apart

[1980ssunflower]

i wish i could kiss my ryan rn

[saintmccann]

#8 part 2

Lovedrunk part two! If you haven’t read the first part, you should so you can get the context!

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You take a deep breath.

And then another one.

Your hand reaches for the handle and twists it to the side, pushing the door open.

The last barrier down.

Seeing him on the couch, you freeze and Van puts down his journal, a displeased look on his face.

"What are you doing here?"

"I was in bed next to him last night,” you begin your story and he tenses up slightly.

"Nice to know you're up to twisting the knife."

"Let me finish. I just…”

“Just need to tell me again how much you can’t stand that I’m here at the same time you are? That you don’t ever want to see me again? I’ll be leaving to resume tour for the fourth album soon anyway.” Resigned, he stands, and goes to the kitchen. You follow him.

With anxious hands and short, quiet breaths, you muster the strength to say it. “No, I- I didn’t come to tell you off. It’s just… after that night at Lou’s, and hearing what you said - well, I tried to imagine my life without you. Not hearing friends and relatives whisper about your success when they thought I wasn’t listening. Not being able to think of how it used to be with us when I see remnants of old, dirty Catfish flyers we used to gum up to bar walls around town. Really leaving the life we had here behind for good. And... I couldn't. Never seeing you again? I could easily think of not having him here. But you? You are so much of me, it would be like missing some chunk forever. So here I am, as unceremoniously as possible telling you that if you still want me, I'm here."

Heart almost beating out of your chest, you wait for him to answer. He was sitting at the table and dead silent, with his head in his hands.

You cross your arms over your chest, and wait for the blow. You knew you shouldn’t have come back. He had confessed his own love at Lou’s bar, and you crushed it under your foot like a finished cigarette. To come back and tell him now, after you had told him off, was asking for a fight.

After a minute or so of silence, Van looked up with red, watery eyes, and his gaze bore into you.

"I waited all this time and you think I was going to change my mind now?"

Heart a-flutter, you take a step closer to him, with the final test.

"I think we both know that we don't know how not to hurt each other. Giving you one last chance to leave is the humane thing to do."

"I never much cared for humaneness." He stands as you take a step closer, still hesitant.

"So?" You look back at him, biting your lip. "Um, Akhil's…not an issue any more. There was some screaming and tire screeching, but I think he'll get it eventually."

Walking to you, he takes your hands into his, looking down at them for a split second. "We're not going to start anything that you're going into thinking you're going to get hurt."

"Van, I…"

"I'm not promising things are going to be perfect all the time. But don't come thinking we'll fail."

"Fine."

"You're lying." He smirks, making the corners of your mouth turn up a little.

"I'll try. But you've got to understand that my first reaction when it comes to you is…"

"Self-defense. Trust me, I get it."

"And yet you're still so convinced it's going to be better?"

"Yes." The certainty in his voice earns him a real smile from you. You take your hands from his, and bring one up to the nape of his neck, ruffling his hair there.

"I believe you."

"Do you?"

"Yes." And as you whisper the word, you wrap your arms around him, and he pulls you to him, your face in the crook of his neck. "I've missed you so much."

"I know. I've missed you too." He kisses your hair softly as he pulls you closer, trying to take in as much of you as possible. "Hey, no crying." He whispers again when he feels the tears against his skin, pulling back and making you lift your head before cupping it in his hands. "What's wrong?"

"Keep thinking I'm going to wake up and this is not going to be real, I suppose. And I’ll just be with Akhil still, getting married into his high society, and not taking that job. And you’ll be on tour, and I’ll still be bitter. Everything's been surreal recently." You laugh at your own silliness, kissing his palm before moving your entire body forward suddenly, mouth finding his. Pressing your lips to his as hard as you can, you smile when his thumbs wipe your cheeks before his mouth opens slightly, pulling your lip between his. "I love you." You whispers before your mouths find each other again, more passionate than before.

"I love you too." He mumbles back, kissing away the last few tears. "Do you have to go back to the B&B for New Year’s lunch and all that?"

"Yes." You laugh, nodding. "You too, mister. Lou will kill you if you're not there. He wants to discuss the ice issue."

"How about I just come so I can be with you?"

"That's good too." You smile before he captures your lips again. "Just…don't leave me again. Don't let me leave either."

"I'll stand guard every night." He whispers in your ear, draping one arm over your shoulder as he looks toward the door. "Shall we go confuse the hell out of everyone?"

"Let's go."

******

Shooting up in bed later that night, you take a deep breath as you clutch his hand, desperately trying to make sure he was still there.

"It's ok." Van whispers, pressing his lips to your temple.

"You're awake,” you note, smiling as his arms encircle you.

"Not taking any chances."

"You can sleep. I'm not leaving.” You smile, kissing his cheek softly.

"You are leaving. You have to go to Korea."

"There will be other Koreas. There are always wars." You shrug, looking into his eyes. "I can't leave you again."

"You'd come back. I always do," He shrugs as well, smiling.

"You'd wait?"

"Yes." He nods, lighting a cigarette as you pulls your knees up to your chest.

"How long?"

"Doesn't matter. I've waited long enough, whatever's left doesn't register."

"Years?"

"Doesn't matter." He smirks as he repeats the words, pushing a strand of hair away from your face with his free hand as he blows the smoke.

"I want to believe you."

"Where did you get all your trust issues, huh?" Van chuckles, leaning in and kissing you, the taste of tobacco lingering on his lips.

"You didn't help." You smile, caressing his hand with your fingers, the lack of contact painful.

"Send me whatever percentage you deem fit of your therapy bills." Remembering something, he jumps out of bed, cigarette balanced in the corner of his mouth as you watched.

"Where are you going?"

"I have something for you." Scouring through his bag, he finds a wrapped up package and throws it next to you. "I was going to give you this for Christmas, but then he was there, that fucking smug smile on his face the second he saw me and…"

"Sh." You calm him, kissing him as soon as he's back in bed. "I love you."

"I know that now. That doesn't mean I didn't want to punch his lights out every time he grabbed you while making sure I was watching."

"What is this?" You look at the package, wrapped carefully in newspaper.

"Open it." He offers in reply, taking another drag out of his cigarette. Carefully unsticking the tape holding the paper together, you slide the box out, letting the wrapping fall to the floor. Inside is a jewel case for a CD, with “5” scrawled across the shiny CD in Van’s handwriting.

"You wrote another album."

"Read the first review."

Turning the CD quickly in your hands, you skim over the words handwritten on a scrap of paper, looking back at him. "This is Lamocq’s handwriting. This says it's a love story. You wrote a sappy love story for the fifth album?"

"Accidentally."

"How does it end?"

"Wrongly. I'll have to do a sixth album now." He laughs and you tilt your head to the side.

"You wrote…"

"About us." Van nods, lighting another cigarette, trying to build a smoke wall as he forces himself to be serious. "After you left last time. I figured it would help me get the fuck over you. Therapy through writing or some similar bullshit."

Running your fingers down his bare chest, you smile. "I take that it didn't work."

"I was halfway through it before I stopped fighting the knowledge that I was probably doomed to love you forever. In the realistic way, not the romantic one." He tries to explain and you nod.

Body springing forward, you kiss him happily, holding the CD in one hand while the other one cups his face.

"I was driving back from your house that night I left," you whisper when you pull back. "It was raining and I was trying really hard to hold it together and it just…hit. I knew."

"So why did you go back to him?"

"Because he was safe. I'm sorry."

"I'm safe."

"No. You're…a compulsion. I'd stay up sometimes and look at the two pictures of you I have and my journals you scribbled notes on in high school and the first ever copy of The Balcony with your handwriting on it and all the things I have that remind me of you, trying to suppress the need again. Like taking ibuprofen when you're really addicted to morphine,” you try to explain, fingers tracing lines on his skin. "Because morphine isn't good for you but it's what you need. Or something. I don't know how to make things sound good, you're the songwriter."

Smirking, he kisses you softly, his thumb tracing your cheekbone. "I won't hurt you."

"Give it time. I'll get there." You smile and he nods. You both need time.

"I love you." He whispers before he places a kiss on your neck, letting his cigarette extinguish itself in the ashtray.

"I love you too." Sliding under him as he pushes you down gently, you smile as his body moves closer to yours.

As he smokes another cigarette with the window open, later that night, you nestle yourself on his chest, opening the jewel case cover to the CD itself, a small dedication written on it.

"Is this for me as well?" You lift the CD for him to see and he nods, kissing the top of your head.

"Everything's for you."

Smiling, you read the three-liner he scribbled across the front. 

I love you infinitely and in every direction.

I love you when words matter and when they don't. I love you because you make words not matter.

I love you for stupid reasons and for clever reasons and for every reason there is. I love you without reason.