#i was sooo excited when he showed up in the sequel god bless

[ilonacho]

Big Daddy!

[queennicoleinboots]

A Fictional Account of BREAKING NEWS: EMERGENCY BROADCAST

BREAKING NEWS: EMERGENCY BROADCAST

A/N: Sequel to "Off Grid Desert Farming with Pastor Penn and Scholar Alexia." The Green Planet is blowing up.

Date: August 31, 2021, 12:43 p.m.

"Lights! Sound! Costumes! Crowns! Make-up! Camera! Action!" Milk Mama Chrissy, the queenliest of submissive drama queens with all of her glorious titles spoke with her distinct English voice.

The cameras turned on to reveal Prince Oliver: Werewolf of the United Planets sitting eight inches away from King Joebear. King Joebear wore a gold crown and sat eight inches away from me. I wore a silver crown and sat eight inches away from Stan Doe. Stan Doe still sported his gray suit, white button-down shirt, and red tie and sat away eight inches away from King Bruce Ice. King Bruce Ice sat eight inches away from Prince Peter W. Parker who wore silver crown, an orange and brown checkered button-down shirt, and blue jeans. Princess Kissy and Princess Oreo were laying their fat asses on the news desk.

"Good evening, everyone. I am Prince Oliver, Werewolf of the United Planets for those tuning in. I am here to support Queen Xara's and Prince Peter Wallace Parker's separate broadcasts that are squeezed into the same show for mere convenience," he said.

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There was loud static, and the screens were going out. Then there was Prince Banana wearing a black spacesuit behind a plain green screen.

"THE PLAGUE IS HERE! IT'S IN THE STUDIO! EVERYONE, IF YOU ARE NEAR THIS SPACESHIP, EVACUATE! I REPEAT, EVACUATE! IF YOU ARE IN THE SPACE SHIP, GET THE FUCK OUT! GET THE FUCK OUT! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! THIS IS A LIVE EMERGENCY BROADCAST! THE PLAGUE IS HERE! STAY AT LEAST 10 FEET AWAY FROM EACH OTHER! PUT ON YOUR SPACE HELMETS! GET TO YOUR HOUSES! QUARANTINE! QUARANTINE! QUARANTINE!" he shouted. He then started broadcasting in other languages.

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"OH SHIT. THE (encrypted voice done by Milk Drama Llama Bomma Mama Chrissy, Encrypting Genius, "SPANISH POLENTAS") are infecting us all!!!! It's a big show tonight, and the rest of it is going to be on Boom. Maybe it won't be as big as Pastor Penn's show yesterday afternoon, but for a Monday night, big enough. DarthSydePhineas is still at large on the Internet. He's streaming live on Youfail.cahm as we speak, quarantined on Planet Earth. My wife, Queen Xara, and I, King Joebear, listen to him complaining about how awful he is at Street Fighter 2, a PS4 game while we do bear business," King Joebear said with a strong growl as he was running out of the studio with a wireless microphone attached to him.

King Bruce Ice growled to honor King Joebear as he ran in the opposite direction to burst through the spaceship door.

Count Vanilla growled on a separate screen nine times and jumped out of the window before flying to his freezer.

"Count Vanilla! Get home! Get on Boom and get on the MICK!" Milk Drama Llama Bomma Mama chrissy shouted as she put on a black helmet and started spraying her dressing room with a strong disinfectant. Then she was trying to connect to Boom in her dressing room as she locked herself in there.

"Yes ma'am! Yes ma'am! Yes ma'am! Yes ma'am! Yes ma'am! Yes ma'am! Yes ma'am! Yes ma'am! Yes ma'am!" Count Vanilla said as he kept flying in the air against high winds and bananas falling from the sky.

Zachary Giraffinakis then took his large camera set up and equipment and ran off to his own space ship to hide there.

"Thank you," Milk Drama Llama Bomma Mama Chrissy said as she switched the signal to Boom instead of PBC.

The Planetary Broadcasting Corporation was now streaming live off of whoever was on the Boom channel.

Prince Peter dressed in a spacesuit similar to Darth Vader from Star Wars and rushed out of there to his own house.

King Bruce Ice had set his Boom and is now streaming live from his office.

Stan Doe is nowhere to be found.

King Joebear and I were quarantined in our separate bedrooms and had connected with the Planetary Broadcasting Corporation server on Boom. Princess Kissy and Princess Oreo were hiding God knows where.

Count Vanilla was getting situated in his office chair in the freezer. We heard the plastic crinkle of his diaper. He then adjusted himself nine times and played with the settings on Boom. He growled nine times out of frustration.

"Okay. We're officially ready for the broadcast. Queen Xara, speak please," Milk Drama Llama Bomma Mama chrissy said.

"Well, it's more like reading a set script because I get nervous on camera, but I can read MAC n Cheese! It's one of my favorite children's books. It inspired me to write Taco Mac with Colonel Mac when Count Vanilla was named Colonel Mac to honor my long lost comrade, Colonel America for America. I got a little excited. Excuse me. In fact, I got so excited that I got pregnant... again," I said.

Count Vanilla, King Joebear, and King Bruce Ice growled loudly on their servers.

"Congratulations! You didn't tell me you were pregnant! How did that happen?!" Milk Drama Llama Bomma Mama chrissy asked.

Prince Oliver: Werewolf of the United Planets was in the U.K. spaceship in his cockpit on the Boom server. He joined us and chuckled.

Count Vanilla, King Joebear, King Bruce Ice, and Darth Peter laughed. Darth Peter was at home locked in his room on the Boom server.

We heard Stan Doe laughing, but his camera wasn't on.

Milk Drama Llama Bomma Mama chrissy stared at the camera. "I KNOW how it happened, but I meant when did she find out?! Excuse my miscommunication," she said with lips that were in a very straight line.

"Actually, just now. The baby kicked me a few seconds ago," I answered. "Hello baby. You're going to be beautiful." I looked at my stomach and rubbed it.

"That's wonderful, bae! I'm a father of six cubs now!" King Joebear said with a proud growl.

Count Vanilla and King Bruce Ice growled with him.

"Congratulations, Queen Xara. Your new cub has my blessing," Captain Slammer said from a broadcast he did from inside his meteor.

King Joebear sang a series of bear yodels before he laughed.

"That was my response when I found out my wife was pregnant with a fourth cub. I thought I was fertile! King Joebear, you're wild!" King Bruce Ice said.

"Yes. We have six cubs now: Lucy, Adam, Eve, Paddington Joe, Pooh, and we don't know the name of our sixth cub," King Joebear said.

"Stan Doe," Stan Doe said as he stared at the camera. He turned on his camera.

"Excuse me?" King Joebear asked.

"Stan Doe. My name is Stan Doe. I'm the sixth cub," the black goat said to King Joebear.

"You're a goat. Not a bear. Queen Xara, what is going on?!" King Joebear asked with a ferocious growl.

"Stan Doe is a goat. He's my sixth child. Remember when I got inseminated in a story that I wasn't able to write because that alternate universe was interrupted by the Plague simulation?" I asked.

King Joebear scratched his head and stared at me. Then it clicked. "Oh yeah! You volunteered to be a surrogate mother for a black goat that couldn't get pregnant no matter what in an alternate reality in which I was trapped in a Magic the Gathering alternate reality."

"Yep. The father is a mad scientist," I said. "He said that this child had to be born or the whole multiverse would implode on itself and cease to exist."

"MY father is a mad scientist. And from the sound of things, I assume he was correct," Stan Doe spoke.

"That sounds even crazier than the idea of DarthSydePhineas actually being good at the Darkstalkers fighting games on Nintendo," King Joebear said. "He likes feta cheese."

Stan Doe giggled. "Indeed, but with the way the world is, is it really that far-fetched?"

DarthSydePhil interrupted the transmission and came on our Boom server. "Wooooooaaaaatttt???!! They got food at an Atlanta tournament. I couldn't take it!" He then started doing the 'hand thing.' "It's online bullshit!"

"How are you able to transmit the signal with that much clarity FROM EARTH?" King Joebear asked.

"No idea," I said.

"Probably a fiber optic wire that transcended the Twix galaxy. Thank Goodness I wasn't intergalactic for a long period of time. I was born and raised in North Coraline, the United Emirates of Chinta," Stan Doe said.

"Sooo... how did you age 20 some years in two years' time?" King Joebear asked.

"22, actually. And time doesn't move forward on this planet, remember? It moves side to side, and because I'm from an alternate reality, I age quickly or not at all," Stan Doe explained.

"I'll be. Something tells me that you have the exact same birthday as me," King Joebear said.

"May 3, 11:59 p.m.," Stan Doe said.

"Damn! I was close! May 4 at 5:10 a.m." King Joebear said.

"Both of you are Tauruses. Stan Doe would fit right in to our dysfunctional family!" I said as I virtually hugged both of them.

King Joebear sniffed the camera. Princess Kissy also jumped on our Boom server and sniffed the camera. She showed us her butt on camera to show her approval.

"What say you, King Joebear?" King Bruce Ice asked.

Princess Kissy rubbed up against the camera and kneaded her cat bed. King Joebear laughed. He then made a pterodactyl sound. Stan Doe leaned away from the camera and looked concerned.

King Joebear said, "Nooooooooo.... he is not ready yet! He hasn't decided whether to join us in the resistance of the jab. He's in the position to decide, though."

"Forgive me, King Joebear. I need more information before my personal decision is made. I'm a news reporter. Do I really want to spend the rest of my life avoiding the very people I need to inform?" Stan Doe asked.

De of Sean then interrupted the transmission by joining our Boom server and yelled "Waaaaahhhhhh!!!" He was a dark goat with round brown eyes and a large mouth.

"That seems like a good answer to me," King Joebear said.

Stan Doe raised his eyebrow. "How so?!"

"HIS INTERNET SUCKS SO HARD!" DarthSydePhineas yelled.

"But does that really mean I should do a different career?!" Stan Doe asked.

"Excuse me. I don't mean to interrupt, but-" Milk Drama Llama Bomma Mama chrissy tried to say.

"Owww!!!!" I shouted. "No. I'm sorry to interrupt, but my seventh child is mad that we haven't named it yet." My child kicked me again. "What?! I don't know what gender you are!"

"Do you have any idea what to call him or her?" King Bruce Ice asked.

"Ariel or Christiana if a girl, and Xannon or Parker if a boy," I answered.

Darth Parker breathed the trademark breath of Darth Vader. "Parker? Really?" he asked.

"Why not? Paddington Joe, our fifth child, inherited my name. Lucy, Adam, and Eve have their names for obvious reasons," King Joebear said.

"WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T CALL IT DE OF SEAN! HE LAGS ALL THE TIME. I CAN'T PLAY WITH HIM! I REFUSE. I DON'T WANT TO BE IN THE SAME LOBBY AS HIM," DarthSydePhil shouted. "Frustrating. Frustrating. Frustrating. Where's my fucking move? Fucking finally. De of Sean follows me everywhere. You suck."

Prince Oliver: Werewolf of the United Planets, Count Vanilla, King Joebear, Stan Doe, King Bruce Ice, Darth Parker, and I laughed.

"Some pervert just messed up my chat. You're banned. Fuck off!" DarthSydePhineas said.

It was true. Some random people on the server were typing lewd messages that we aren't allowed to post here.

"Yeah. On a news broadcast. The hell's wrong with this guy?!" King Joebear asked.

"Excuse me, DarthSydePhineas. I believe you're in the wrong transmission," Milk Drama Llama Bomma Mama chrissy said.

"It happens. The Internet connection sucks here," DarthSydePhineas said. "Frustrating. Frustrating. Frustrating"

Count Vanilla growled nine times.

"Forgive me. I really need some Blue Bell Breyers vanilla ice cream," I said as my child kicked me again.

Princess Kissy meowed loudly. Then Princess Oreo joined our Boom server on the emergency landline in our closet and meowed loudly.

"Well, let's get you some ice cream then," Milk Drama Llama Bomma Mama chrissy said.

Princess Kissy laid sideways near the screen and looked at us.

"I will fetch you Blue Bell Breyers vanilla ice cream," Stan Doe said as he virtually sent the ice cream through holographic technology.

"I will fetch everyone some Blue Bell Breyers vanilla ice cream," King Joebear said as he was programming holograms of Blue Bell vanilla ice cream to everyone on the server.

"I will fetch mommy some Blue Bell Breyers vanilla ice cream. I will fetch mommy some Blue Bell Breyers vanilla ice cream. I will fetch mommy some Blue Bell Breyers vanilla ice cream. I will fetch mommy some Blue Bell Breyers vanilla ice cream. I will fetch mommy some Blue Bell Breyers vanilla ice cream. I will fetch mommy some Blue Bell Breyers vanilla ice cream. I will fetch mommy some Blue Bell Breyers vanilla ice cream. I will fetch mommy some Blue Bell Breyers vanilla ice cream. I will fetch mommy some Blue Bell Breyers vanilla ice cream," Count Vanilla said as he was shoving nine cartons of Blue Bell vanilla ice cream through his scanner.

"Mommy? Queen Xara, how many children do you have?!" King Joebear shouted.

"Seven birth and one adopted, me. Queen Xara isn't my birth mother. She's my nanny. Queen Xara isn't my birth mother. She's my nanny. Queen Xara isn't my birth mother. She's my nanny. Queen Xara isn't my birth mother. She's my nanny. Queen Xara isn't my birth mother. She's my nanny. Queen Xara isn't my birth mother. She's my nanny. Queen Xara isn't my birth mother. She's my nanny. Queen Xara isn't my birth mother. She's my nanny. Queen Xara isn't my birth mother. She's my nanny. Queen Xara isn't my birth mother. She's my nanny," Count Vanilla explained.

"I'll get you more ice cream. Apples and cinnamon, my love?" King Joebear asked as he got up and stretched. "I'm so stiff. How did we get so stiff?" Then he sat back down and programmed the apple cinnamon vanilla ice cream to my server.

"We got old. And yes, apples and cinnamon. Like Apple Pie A La Mode!" I shouted.

"I will make an apple pie for you, mother," Stan Doe said as he started the long process of programming an apple pie to me.

"Thank you. I love all of my babies," I said.

"Everyone loves you, Queen Xara," Milk Drama Llama Bomma Mama chrissy said. "And I am your most faithful sister."

"Awaw Milk Drama Llama Bomma Mama Chrissy! A-Chrissy! You warm my heart!" I shouted. And then I thought, 'Nice touch by adding 'Bomma' to her title, Prince Banana. You're truly a genius.'

Princess Kissy then programmed with King Joebear, Count Vanilla, and Stan Doe to fetch my ice cream.

DarthSydePhineas kept fucking up our signal.

"I say! I wish he would fix connection or BUG OFF!" Prince Oliver: Werewolf of the United Planets said as he hammerfisted his desk with his right hand.

"Yes. It's very annoying. It's annoying the hell out of me!" King Bruce Ice shouted with a growl.

DarthSydePhineas's signal fucked up our connection again.

"Good Heavens! I can't do this! It's time for a commercial break!" Milk Drama Llama Bomma Mama chrissy shouted dramatically as she switched the signal to a Twitch.TV broadcast.

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Count Vanilla was singing "Sweet Dreams R Made of These" as he wore a black collar with a blue bell in the front and swam in an ocean of vanilla ice cream. He then started to dance similarly to Michael Jackson near Annie Lennox. They were dancing like they were walking on broken glass.

"Blue Bell Vanilla Ice Cream. Nothing is sweeter than the sweet dream made of Blue Bell Vanilla Ice Cream," Emilie Autumn narrated.

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King Joebear fixed the connection before he successfully programmed the vanilla cinnamon ice cream with apple pieces in it. I began to download the bowl of ice cream into my stomach.

Count Vanilla pumped out nine more bowls of Blue Bell Breyers vanilla ice cream into my server. There was a bowl of ice cream for each of the other news anchors as well (minus Stan Doe who disconnected from the server to program an apple pie for me). Count Vanilla sent Prince Oliver: Werewolf of the United Planets, King Joebear, King Bruce Ice, Darth Parker, and Prince Banana who was finally able to join our server from his Batmobile. Count Vanilla began to eat his ice cream.

DarthSydePhineas conveniently gave us another commercial break while we ate our ice cream. My unborn child was a hungry, fatass bear. I was downloading again, eating again, and hungry again.

Princess Kissy and Princess Oreo were licking up the remnants of the vanilla ice cream that they were sent. Milk Drama Llama Bomma Mama chrissy also was sent a bowl of ice cream from Zachary Giraffinakis. Zachary Giraffinakis assisted Stan Doe in programming my apple pie.

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DarthSydePhil was fighting a snake in Street Fighter Turbo. He was wearing a peach cloth diaper as he wrestled with a snake and was laughing.

"Tour yougets!" DarthSydePhineas shouted at the snake. "Whhaaaaaaaaa!!!!"

The snake was defeated.

DarthSydePhineas then changed into a navy blue kimono and fought Calvin Klein because he thought CK's designs were too expensive. But Calvin Klein was beating DarthSydePhineas's ass before DarthSydePhineas yelled "TAKE THAT!..TAKE THAT SHIT" and beat Calvin Klein's ass. "CAN'T PARRY!!!... CAN'T PARRY! CAN'T PARRY BECAUSE OF LAG!!! He beat Calvin Klein's ass.

Then DarthSydePhineas then got into a nasty fight with De of Sean and got pissed off. The funny thing is that De of Sean is my ex-boyfriend and the ex friend of King Joebear. It's a long story, but it basically involved us all fighting. King Joebear beat De of Sean's ass and then asked for my love. I gave that cub my love. I love a cub who can fight.

DarthSydePhineas then went to beat Calvin Klein's ass again because he was still pissed about Calvin Klein's prices. DarthSydePhineas then had to beat De of Sean's ass again because De of Sean was peanut butter pissed again. De of Sean was whooping DarthSydePhineas's ass. Then DarthSydePhineas kicked De of Sean in the balls.

Then DarthSydePhineas fought Ken Masters to relieve more stress and anxiety from being broker than hell. Ken Masters yelled "Shorrrrryyyyuuuuken!"

DarthSydePhineas then took a breath of relief and thanked us all for existing. "Adibba Dobbs dibba that's all folks! Until tomorrow when I play BlackOps and Microsoft Simulator. See you in the morning. See ya later."

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I was still eating my bowls of ice cream. Darth Parker just finished his. Zachary Giraffinakis cleared the cache on our server to get rid of unnecessary temporary files. Stan Doe was letting the pie download as he returned to the server. King Bruce Ice was adjusting his set. Prince Peter was doing sound tests. Meanwhile, Prince Banana had disconnected from the server. I assumed he was just there for the ice cream program.

"I'm sorry, but I'm still not ready for my broadcast. Is anyone else able to do a broadcast?" Darth Parker asked in his deep Southern voice as he was having sound difficulties.

"Hang on, dark Prince. Let me ask if anyone has news," Milk Drama Llama Bomma Mama chrissy said quickly.

"I'll be glad to help," Found Sheep as he joined the server.

"Oh thank you, Found Sheep," Milk Drama Llama Bomma Mama chrissy said. "Please take the floor."

"Thank you," Found Sheep said. He cleared his throat before he spoke again. "Hello everyone, I'm Found Sheep. I want to tell you a dream I had about an agitator who was trying to push the (encrypted voice done by Milk Mama Chrissy, Encrypting Genius saying, "Biometric signature") onto us. It's barbaric. I was being chased by men in white lab coats that were singing Hakuna Mutata as they were running with scissors. Other people were getting agitated because they were being herded like wolves into a grocery store and were told to stand ten feet apart while trying to run at the same time. They would listen if they were told to wear a pair of pants on their faces. It was madness, but I ran with humility to the Lord. I wasn't going and still not going to obey the government and man. I am not going to promote it. Do you want to be part of Revelation Chapter 13? Do you want to be part of enforcing the (encrypted voice done by Milk Mama Chrissy, Encrypting Genius saying, "Biometric signature")? Is this world really worth holding on to enough to sacrifice who you are? Look at the future. It's time to say enough is enough. Pick up your cross and follow the Lord! Go to Matthew 10. I am a sheep among the wolves. Do not get pulled into the agitation. Don't let the world consume you. The wolves are devouring without sight. I do not trust anyone part of any authoritative organization. They have to sign certain oaths against the Lord. And they hate people like us. And it's hard for us. But we need to be strong. Teach others instead of preaching to them. Show them the joy of our Lord in the natural world. Show the Lord thanks. The future generation is a blessing. Teach it correctly. Tell it that the only thing you must fear is the Lord. Unfortunately, families will fight among each other because they haven't grown a relationship with the Lord. But you can overcome that. Trust in our Lord."

"Thank you, Found Sheep. The Planetary Broadcasting Corporation only tells the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. We are not funded by anyone other than those who donate to us. We are not bought and sold by Chinta, China, or any other embassy. We want to gain your trust," Milk Drama Llama Bomma Mama chrissy said.

"I greatly appreciate you having me on tonight. But please remember my message tonight. It is very important to stay strong. That's why I'm here tonight. I know many viewers are struggling, even the preppers. Please trust in the Lord. You cannot survive this plandemic alone. I meant what I said. Plandemic. Preppers out there, please read the book of Revelation," Found Sheep said as he stared at the camera.

"Excuse me. I don't mean to interrupt your broadcast, but Queen Xara's apple pie is done," Stan Doe said as he downloaded the apple pie onto my server.

"Go ahead. Be thankful for your apple pie, Queen Xara. The Lord gives that to you to nourish your baby," Found Sheep said to me.

[hoodwinkedtoohoodvsevil]

OKAY i have so much to say about dm3 so here’s my #Thoughts (spoilers) IT’S REALLY REALLY LONG

tl;dr i loved it bc of course i did but if you want my spicy feelse it’s below the cut

OKAY i’m basically doin this off the cuff scene by scene from memory (i’ve seen it twice) but also touching on just. aspects of the movie as i think of them.

i’m gonna start by saying what everyone knows but idc i’ll say it until the end of time: I LOVE FELONIUS GRU SO MUCH OHHH MY GOD HIS EXISTENCE MAKES MY LIFE GOOD

ALSO!!!! RLY MAD AT THE MARKETING OF THIS MOVIE BC IT COMPLETELY /LIES/ ABOUT GRU’S INTENTIONS!!! HE HAS NO INTENTIONS OF GOING BACK TO VILLAINY AT ALL THROUGHOUT THE MOVIE HIS ENTIRE PLAN IS TO STEAL THE DIAMOND BACK FROM BALTHAZAR TO GET HIS+LUCY’S JOBS BACK SO BASICALLY GRU IS PERFECT 

oky so i thought the movie was RLY GOOD it basically does everything good that the first two movies do. the girls are in this more than 2 which is a big improvement. 2 may always be my favorite just bc it’s mostly abt grucy but 2 has the biggest flaw of them all (it’s fuckin racist as hell) so at least dm3 isn’t as...flawed.

it’s main problem is that it’s got a looot goin on, which is kinda common for sequels (especially third movies onward) bc they gotta give existing characters that everyone knows/likes plots/development while also establishing/developing new characters. i don’t really mind this so much bc i like all the characters in this movie a lot. i do like some plots/subplots more than others but i personally was never like. overwhelmed. the only subplot i didn’t rly care about was the minions one but i’ll talk abt that later. it’s not terrible tho.

MY main problem (basically the only thing that bothers me when i watch the movie) is how soooo fast paced it is. like, i get that the other movies kind of are too, but i can think of multiple parts of this movie where it just would’ve been better to just. let stuff sit? like okay, i have some examples that i’ll address when i get to them.

okay actually goin scene by scene now

first scene is good it’s basically just the first trailer but longer. i’ve said this before but i had the clownfish part it’s the worst part of the whole movie. but at least it’s only like two seconds. agents grucy is still my reason for existence and i’m kinda salty they never called back to that but i’m still blessed. balthazar is honestly so fuckin funny and Truthfully i liked the part when he blasts (naked) gru away with his keytar way better in the actual movie than in the trailer bc playing jump by van halen during that part was fucking HYSTERICAL.

gru...is so fucking funny and extra. “i don’t want to waste another breath on him. AND ANOTHER THING!!!” honey please chill. also “you’re making me nervous” BABY NO

okaaay buuuuuut the scene after they get fired slays me. “honey, you didn’t have to do that, i know how much you love your job” “well, there are some things i love more” LITERALLY MURDER MY ASS GRUCY IS MY REASON FOR LIVING

also catch my ass overanalyzing what gru says and tracing it back to lucy’s backstory (her parents were killed by supervillains when she was very young for those who don’t spend their free time researching everything about dm canon). she didn’t just love her job bc it was fun, it had significant meaning to her and just. excuse me I’M NOT CRYIN

“we should really tell the girls...can you do it?” girl same

the luau scene isn’t new to me so i don’t have much to say except that I Love My Daughters More Than Life Itself.

OKAY OKAY BUT here’s an example of the too fast paced parts i’m talkin about. when gru tells the girls that he and lucy lost their jobs, i read the jr novel before i saw the movie and i thought that part would be/should’ve been slower. like when he goes “lucy and i were invited to...not work at the avl anymore.” like? it just felt like he’d be a little more hesitant when telling him. just felt like it should’ve had a tiny bit more weight to it.

also “and let’s NOT go to katie’s house anymore.”

listen. i don’t hate the minions catch my ass defending them most of the time but i’m so salty at them in this movie. i get that their purpose is to serve the baddest villain but they’ve been with gru for like 45 YEARS THEY’RE SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE FAMILY!!!!! aso gru has been away from villainy for like more than a year so can they just chill please. these minions ain’t loyal.

I KNEW DR. NEFARIO WAS GONNA BE FROZEN IN CARBONITE BC JR NOVEL BUT I DIDN’T REALIZE HE WAS GONNA BE IN THE EXACT SAME POSE AS HAN SOLO SO I LOST MY SHIT. AND WE NEVER SEE HIM GET UNFROZEN SO IS HE LIKE GONE FOREVER? RIP I GUESS

the take on me scene was soooo goddamn funny

lucy comforting gru saved my life. that scene was actually well paced it wasn’t rushed but it didn’t go on longer than it needed to. a+ scene.

i knew from the trailers that agnes was gonna sell her unicorn but i didn’t know she was gonna look so SAD WHEN SHE DID IT THAT DESTROYED ME

uhhh skippin a few scenes bc whatever. stuff we know from trailers. OH OH but “YOU TOLD ME MY DAD DIED OF DISAPPOINTMENT WHEN I WAS BORN” WHAT THE FUUUUUCK I LAUGHED BUT GOD WHY IS SHE SO MEAN

lucy on the plane tryin to engage with the girls. i’m so sad pls just let her feel like a mom.

gru’s private part

the first scene in dru’s house reminded me that illumination’s lighting is always KILLER that scene was so beautifully lit 

DRUUUU INTERACTING WITH THE GIRLS WAS HONESTLY SOOO CUTE?? esp the part with agnes it just felt like genuine kid dialogue. i love. and “SHE’S 12 SHE LOOKS 12 AND SHE WILL ALWAYS BE 12″ oh honey (but same)

OKAY the most bothered i was by the pacing in this movie was when gru was like “lucy can i get a fuckin uhhhh leave i feel like garb” and lucy was like “honey just deal”. that’s another part i read in the jr novel and thought would have more. emotion to it. like it didn’t need to be heavy or anything but i remember feeling really sad when i read gru say “i feel worse than i did when i came here” but in the movie it just kinda flew by? ESPECIALLY bc lucy was immediately like “well, he’s your brother just try to get along with him”. like, okay, you just had a scene of gru venting to lucy about feeling like a failure so you’d think if she found out meeting dru made gru feel worse she’d be like “oh no i’m sorry this isn’t what you were expecting and you feel even worse now” like she doesn’t need to say any of that but even just. a pause and a facial expression can say a lot. just a look of sympathy and then trying to cheer him up or be more optimistic like “well he is your brother and you were so excited to meet him and you only just met like you might eventually be glad you did this” that kinda thing. it was just sooo rushed it felt like nothing when it should’ve felt like Something bc lucy knows gru’s been feeling bad and just. a little sympathy would’ve been nice and still could’ve led to the same conclusion. but shit we gotta save time for the minions musical number i guess.

speaking of that i’m just gonna talk about that subplot in one bullet point. it was the one i cared about the least and had nothing to do with anything really. i’ll admit the singing part is kinda funny bc idk what it is but they always have good song choices for when the minions sing. like make em laugh in the minions movie and now modern major general like yeah those are minion songs yknow. and okay it is kinda funny when they’re in prison bc they just IMMEDIATELY show them and they’re like runnin the place. i figured there’d be some kinda transition but nope they get there and they rule the prison. also the first class/coach separation in the plane was funny but i have to wonder what dictates whether a minion ends in first class or coach. but yeah like i said i don’t really caaaaare and i’m salty over the minions leavin gru anyway so fuck em.

OH OH OH BUT THE PART WHERE MEL MISSES GRU AND IS REMEMBERING GOOD TIMES WITH HIM LITERALLY MADE ME CRY GRU IS SUCH AN ANGEL!!!!! THAT WAS ONE OF MY FAVE SCENES

okay rest of the movie. god this is so long i’m so sorry but i have SO MUCH TO SAY.

i don’t have much to say abt the scenes with gru and dru except i like them and i like their interactions. i didn’t think i’d like dru as much as i did  tho i do see how people could find him annoying. i guess i’m just like. well i’m lucy and he’s part of my family so yes i love him.

“gettin my sea legs, matey” meeeeeee

SAD LITTLE BOOTS WAS SOOOO FUNNY

BAR NONE THE FUNNIEST AND JUST MOST CHARMING SCENE IN THE WHOLE MOVIE WAS GRU AND DRU PRETENDING TO BE EACH OTHER. everything about that scene gives me life. it was sooo genuine and natural like when they couldn’t keep it up and just burst out laughing. they’re adorable i love my husband and my brother-in-law they’re such children. i just love that it was gru’s idea bc you know when he was thinkin about twin stuff on the plane ride there he was like ‘omg what if we switched places and pretended to be each other to fool ppl omg that’s a twin thing’ but it was so obvious bc kids can get away with that but they’re in their fuckin 50s you fools.

THAT REMINDS ME steve carell was honestly so good in this movie. like he’s always good as gru but he was rly good as dru too like obviously they sounded similar but i was never watching it and thinking “oh this is steve carell talking to himself” like he voiced both characters well and obvs they had different personalities and that rly came through and just. i love you sexy grey hair steve carell.

scene with gru and agnes was so damn pure just. everything i want out of a scene with gru and agnes. thank u illumination for my life.

gonna talk abt the agnes subplot in one bullet point bc there’s not much to it. basically i love my daughter, she’s an angel, and i like that we just. have a goat now. also another animation highlight in the scene where she and edith are in the forest looking for the unicorn. that forest was gorgeous. and again, beautifully lit.

lucy defending margo REPLENISHED MY ELECTROLYTES 

also when she was like “i gotta tell gru!” so precious omg i wish we could’ve seen her tell him about it that would’ve been so cute. 

love the scene of gru and dru sneakin into balthzar’s lair. good stuff. I DIE WHEN DRU WAS FREAKIN OUT IN THE VENT AND GRU WAS LIKE “hey relax :) it’s gonna be fine :) i got your back” I WANTED TO SCREAM WHY IS GRU SO PERFECT

i don’t ship druthazar (sorry dm fandom) but i still leaned over to david when dru was sitting on balthzar’s bed and i whispered “that’s not the last time he was in balthzar’s bed” bc i‘m funny

AND THE BEST PART IS YOU’LL NEVER :) EVER >:( DO ANYTHING BEHIND MY BACK EVER AGAIN >:(( RIGHT HONEYBEAR? :)))

sometimes you want a unicorn. but you just get a goat.

i was ready to declare the part where lucy comes in just loudly singing and then goes “you’ve been a baaad boy gru” and smacks his face my favorite lucy scene in the whole movie but the it was balthazar disguised as lucy and i’ve never felt more betrayed

also how did balthazar perfectly mimic lucy’s voice? when he was disguised as the museum guy it was clearly trey parker doing another south park voice but WHATEVER

while i’m thinkin abt it trey parker was fine as balthazar i guess like he was funny but i used to watch a looot of south park so i would so often just her the south park in his voice and i was like Alright

THE CLIMAX OF THIS MOVIE MURDERED MY ASS!!!!! i looooove this movie’s climax it’s easily the best of the dm franchise. i never wanted to murder balthazar with my bare hands more than when he left the girls for dead and tried to kill an unconscious gru with a giant lazer. i was SHOOKETH. lucy jumpin across the giant bubble gum...balls or whatever to save the girls was the BEST SHIT. dru saving gru was so good i’m so proud of him...love my brother-in-law. and the dance fight with gru and balthazar SAVED!!! CINEMA!!! i was screamin oh my god..i know y’all know i love gru with everything i am but y’all he’s SO GOOD IN THE CLIMAX OF THIS MOVIE

as lucy wilde, i can confirm that after i ran up and hugged gru i was covering his face with red lipstick and also being like “balthazar’s dead right? like not just caught, fucking DEAD? RIGHT??” he either lied to assuage me or I Found A Way

AGNES SAYING “love you mom” TO LUCY AND LUCY BEING LIKE “i’m a mom!!” KILLED WHATEVER WAS LEFT OF MY SOUL!!!!!

tho tho tho i’m still UPSET that the girls call gru by his name and not dad...like you gonna call lucy mom WHEN U GONNA CALL GRU DAD I’M GASPING FOR AIR

lucy was very dtf at the end she was like gru say good night to your brother and let’s go FUCK (and then dru had to go and interrupt it smh)

i was like UMMMMM at first when watching the very last scene but then when i saw how gru and lucy reacted to it i was like okay i accept this. he better have just been staying temporarily at their house and going back to freedonia soon tho bc i don’t think lucy would like the idea of a supervillain living her house.

gru n lucy gettin ready to go in for the kill. love it. love them forever.

trey parker’s singing in hug me (the credits song) sounds too much like andy partridge of xtc and like 0 people reading this (if anyone’s still reading oh my god) are gonna know what i’m talking about but it makes it quite the Experience whenever i listen to it

speaking of this is the best soundtrack out of dm 1-3 i’ve been listening to it the whole time writing this

SO IN SUMMARY hi i’m lucy wilde, and my husband and daughters are absolutely everything to me. as a viewer balthazar is the most entertaining dm villain bar none (overkills excluded obvs), but as lucy wilde i hope he fucking dies for trying to kill my family. dru is a good brother-in-law and is also a gay icon. this movie came out in pride month for a reason. dru (a gay male) and lucy (a pan woman) are true mlm/wlw solidarity.

i’m fuckin.

i love.