#i went into a deep meditative state typing this... i don't even remember typing some of this ghdhs

[saltine-kakyoin]

🎶 and jotaro and also kakyoin AND another character..whoever u want ;)

oho… you’ve sent me another message? you know what comes next bro, u brought this upon yourself….this is us now man

anyhow, AH. thos boys…god this one is gonna be so difficult because I have So Many Songs that are tied to them. as for the other character, i think i will do my boy sergio because i really need to share my brainstorming songs for him before i explode! :0 thank you again for sending these in, bro!! have a good night, ily! c:

this will be long bc i always ramble..i will be tagging this as long post for mobile gang!

Jotaro:

thom- i hate to start this off with a jotakak-themed song because i know some people Despise jk. i’m sorry for y’all who do, but ahh this song has been stuck in my head for days now! :’( In terms of the SDA, i always think of this song as like…jotaro’s bittersweet journey w his feelings for kak. it’s something about the like, ghostly windchimes in the beginning, the phone buzzing in the bg, and the “please don’t run away”s man, ahhh. I listen to this song a lot when brainstorming him coming to accept that friendship is as far as he and kak go. However,“ The pitter patter gave a rather rinse and lather feeling/ As opposed to shitty attitudes that made me bitter after laughter/ And I dearly regretted it” really makes me think of pt. 4 jotaro in any context. We only see the end result of his development from SDC, but like hhh… do you think he regrets being so gruff? I think of that 1 fanart where he’s looking at the group picture + hoping they knew he wasn’t annoyed by them (or something along those lines, i forget the exact line…ahh)

something’s missing- So, ofc not all parts of this song apply.. and truthfully, I listen to this song while thinking of the immediate period after the crusade in the SDA and how the crusaders are all left with this hole in them (..@kakyoin literally.. i’m sorry i had to. also, abdul is the hole). Out of all of them, though, I always think of Jotaro the most w this song- “My dad asks, ‘Were you okay out where you were stranded?’ How do I tell him that I wasn’t just okay… I was so much better?” LIKE DAMN THAT IS ONE (1) KUJO JOTARO… :( i think he comes back from the crusade and just feels.. severely misplaced. Going back to Japan and the girls following him to school every morning feels so alien to him.

tempest rhapsody- this song is just… *chef kiss* It makes me think of like. star platinum’s first manifestation, and of the emotions one would feel during a 50-day crusade to a place you’ve never been before, where you run the risk of death at least once a week…how would it feel to know if you got seriously injured in a fight, there would be a very real possibility that your *cough* dearly beloved *cough* mother could die? this song is my answer to that question

only in sleep- another choir song! i cannot help myself. This one is more for canon Jotaro. I’ve read a few fics about the universe reset where he’s reunited with the other crusaders one last time before everything becomes nil, and…..augh. “The years had not sharpened their smooth round faces, I met their eyes and found them mild — Do they, too, dream of me, I wonder, And for them am I too a child?“ is imo such a jotaro 4 am deliberation

softly- THIS. this was the Original jotakak song, no offense thom. i used to listen to this song on REPEAT while reading nessun dorma, ahhh. so much of the sda jotakak dynamic is shaped from that fic and this song, hghshg. Anyhow, now that I’ve worked on the development of their relationship in the sda, this song is most definitely a song for the jotaro who unknowingly pines in 3rd year and then comes to realize that ah…these are Emotions during uni. during their third year, jotaro and kakyoin do a ton of self-exploration, and spend more than one night floating in the pitch black void of the ocean talking about what they’re going to do after graduation with only the stars to accompany them. they lose this when jotaro goes to florida for uni + kakyoin paris, but they make up for it by calling each other all the time, so “Touch you softly I call you up late at night” made this song an instant hit in my book ghshghw. I adore this song, through and through. ;u;

post-published honorable mention bc i rediscovered him while i was workin on polnareff’s playlist!! DOLLY ZOOM is another really good song for pining jotaro. in the sda, he feels really Horrible about having a crush on kakyoin for a long time because he and his family (that is phrased weird, i am sorry) are the entire reason kakyoin got a hole punched right through his abdomen and spine. they’re the entire reason kakyoin spent months learning how to walk and use his legs again. he doesn’t do anything except bury his feelings because, to him, it’d be Really selfish to do otherwise. i listened to dolly zoom nonstop when i started writing Jotaro’s Decade-Long Yearn because it captures the guilt really well, ahh.

Kakyoin (it is 1:24 am as i’m starting this… let’s see how long i agonize over this part lmao)

ultraviolence- ahh, ze Mindworm Song. I really despise diokak and the fact that he had to spend like…3-4 months with the mindworm just chilling in his brain, but I can’t ignore the fact that he latched onto dio’s friendship and was initially elated to have that whole thing happen. It haunts Kakyoin in canon, and it Most Definitely haunts him in the SDA, and i think he and jotaro have a lot of conversations about how and why and what that whole experience was like. I always end up coming back to this song when brainstorming this year in the au. The beginning just sounds so lonely, and the background choir/ voices really give me the heebie jeebies. Then, there’s the build-up to the beat drop, which really make me think of like. what being mindwormed could feel like? And how it must feel to be so lost in that sauce that you become a passenger in your own mind, lost to the whim of one super manipulative vampire, augh. “You give me love, you know you give me love with your ultraviolet rays” ties into a few of FKA Twigs’ other songs where she sings about not being enough and really obsessively deriving love from someone whose attention is ultimately really harmful and unhealthy, and I think about that and Kakyoin a lot. :(

sound and color- so truthfully, this is my go-to song for any character that dies/almost dies and comes back, or goes through a Huge Life Change. kakyoin fits both of these bills to a T! this song makes me think of getting used to being around such a rowdy but tight-knit group of people who genuinely care about you All Day Long after spending your entire life in isolation. I always think of like, a happiness montage when the second half of this song comes around, and the montage i daydream about for kak during that section is *chef kiss* Sound + Color is like one of the best songs ever, and it’d be a crime to not have a kak setting for it. 

first love/late spring- fellas, here’s the kakyoin equivalent to jotaro’s softly. this song was IT, back when the sergio-divergent au and the “All the Crusaders Live” au were two separate things. back then, kakyoin and jotaro’s realization that oh, fuck, they really meant the entire world to each other happened much earlier in the plot. Looking back on that now makes me squint, but I do think that this song is still really fitting for kakyoin exploring those feelings- friendship is one thing, but romance is something entirely different and a lot more intimate. i think it’s a tug-of-war for him, between wanting to jump in to those feelings and wanting to run far far away from them because he doesn’t want to be wrong and ruin their friendship. good times in the kak hole

last words of a shooting star- I really love the bastard fucker side of kakyoin that is explored and celebrated in our fanon, but I can never shake the fact that some of his last thoughts were of his parents (and i think he was sorry for making them worry? which… baby…) and that his polite, “outwardly anxious” presentation was this big facade for like.. the Deep and Soul-Wrenching loneliness he felt because he was a stand user? The first stanza and “They’ll never know how I’d stared at the dark in that room/ With no thoughts” make me think of kakyoin deeply- if his family had never gone to egypt and he’d never met dio or jotaro, what would have happened to him? Who would he be? i’ve always been super attached to that part of kak bc fundamentally… I Relate. but also i am just fond of it because it makes me sob- he deserved so much better than to get murdered by the same man who manipulated his entire identity right at the climax of his character arc….some crimes can never be forgiven, hirohiko….

vertigo- i don’t listen to this song for kak often, but it is a Quintessential Kakyoin song. according to khalid’s twitter, vertigo is a song about “Overcoming overthinking. After every dark days, there’s a brighter outcome. Being at a super low place in your life and realizing that, there’s other people going through that same path you’re walking down. There’s always light at the end of the tunnel. It’s also a story about fear of abandonment.” which….Big Kakyoin Energies. The “Are we alive?Or are we dreaming?” part also ties back into the Kakyoin Parties in a Coma for a Month arc- your mind has a wild wild time when you’re in a medically induced coma, theoretically because it’s trying to fill in the blanks for all of the stuff you’re sensing? And coming out of a medically induced coma is a bizarre experience, where it’s hard to tell if you’re still in the coma and just imagining things or if you’re actually awake. Kakyoin has a mad time in the month immediately after SDC, one that i’m sure he doesn’t enjoy too much after the death 13 fight.

honorable mention goes to i am not yours- this has been a kak song to me for a long time as well. the context of the song is way different from my interpretation for this setting, but AH. I just think kakyoin really struggles to differentiate and understand romantic feelings. This song really reminds me of that struggle, and I think also touches nicely on like. the identity issue of it all too.. “yet i am i, who long to be” yanno? ; J ; it’s hard for me to explain

another honorable mention, my statue sinking. in the sda, after the events in egpyt, kakyoin is thrown into a coma for like an entire month while his body gets operated back together, and then he spends months in physical therapy learning how to walk w a prosthetic spine (kudos to cyborg speedwagon being a reverse engineering madman :D). i like to imagine that there’s also some degree of therapy going on this whole time, also. you don’t just get donuted + thrown into a coma for a month without some counseling to get you back on your feet..i think the lasting effects of dio’s influence are addressed here, but only briefly because it’s not something kakyoin is eager to explore. however, I think that this song captures the like... distress? i guess? of knowing that your life has been irreparably thrown off course because of dio. like yes, you met some really wonderful people that helped you learn how deeply healing friendship could be! but also.. you lost months of your life to mind control, and then another month to a coma, and then additional months to training your body to function again....there’s some psychological stress there. While I think that Jotaro and Polnareff are affected the most by the crusade, I think they all emerge from it with some degree of ptsd. Being targeted by complete strangers at all times of day cannot be good for your mental health, you know? Anyhow, I think My Statue Sinking captures that aftermath feeling really well. Everyone survives and recovers from the crusade, but there’s a part in all of them that is lost to Egypt. 

on to sergio!! (it is now 2:04 am lmaooooooo) sergio will be easy because I only ever listen to the same handful of songs when I’m writing him hdhgh

i will come to you- this is THE sergio song. i think of this song every time i write about him, whether it’s the “believe in me…” “also believe in me” lyric exchange that i imagine he has with both tomoko and holly; the “and i will pray to my father…my father…and he will abide” part being about him reaching out to joseph with his final breaths and spilling all of the beans about dio and begging him to finish things so that Tomoko and Josuke, the Kujos, and he and Suzi can be safe; the “foreeever……foreee-eever.. forever..” part being where he dies and his soul passes into the next realm.. “even the spirit of truth [golden prophet] whom the world [..yeah..] cannot receive, because it seeth him not [bc suad defects and buries sergio instead of bringing his dead body to dio]. Neither knoweth him, but you know him…for he dwelleth in you and he shall be in you [literally the entire joestar/kujo/higashikata family being so near and dear to him + his spirit being with them even after death]” and then, like.. george i, jonathan, and george ii coming to retrieve his soul during the “heeeee shallll beee in youuu” part… “i will not leave you comfortless. i Will Not leave.. You Comfortless… iiii wiiiill come…. to you.. to You” part being about his soul mingling within star platinum and crazy diamond because he has a Need, even in death, to protect them. UGH (also his essence being especially prevalent in crazy diamond, which is partially why its power is to repair things!! bc hamon! ; O ;) literally I have an Entire music video with sergio’s death set to this music. i’ve listened to it way too many times.

when david heard- so to be frank this is actually more of a joseph song, but it’s only a joseph song when sergio exists + gets murdered. :o i cried the first time i listened to this, and then months later i listened to it while thinking of sergio + like. sobbed fr fr. Joseph is asleep when Sergio calls him, so he gets sergio’s final message as a voicemail on his answering machine hours after the fact. the message itself is chilling because Joseph had no clue his son had gone on this huge mission by himself to kill Dio, and now he’s dead! however, it’s made even worse because Joseph wasn’t there to pick the call up and comfort his son in his dying breaths or do Anything. it’s just like Caesar, which is. god awful. it’s such a horrible realization because sergio, whom joseph named after what caesar wanted to name his own son, has been condemned to the same fate as his namesake. Thus this song- i’ve yet to come across a song that captures the feeling of hearing that kind of news so well. (also when i tag things as my sOOOOON or *cries my son in 8-part harmony a la whitacre*, this is the song i’m referencing :D)

zombies / terrified- ahhh, these songs capture the HORROR sergio feels upon sensing dio’s presence in Japan really well. (also “I’m going to eat you alive/please don’t find me rude, but i don’t eat fast food/ so don’t run too fast” is SUCH a dio mood…) Sergio maintains his composure about the Dio Dilemma for a good year before he flies off the handle, and his entire proto-crusade against the vampire is just. Laced with paranoia, even if he is learning a ton of useful skills. These two songs capture that feeling of something constantly watching/creeping up on you so well, and ever since i discovered them, I’ve listened to them for Sergio inspo.

the prophet- This is the only song I’ve done so far that the characters would actually listen to lmao. Sergio is a Huge fan of The Temptations, and his stand is actually named after this song! (+ the esoteric title for the hermit, which was really amazing luck on my end ; J ;) it also had a huge hand in figuring out what his stand power would be, the lyric that decided it was “God doesn’t listen to the words you pray; he hears what your heart has got to say.” However, the entire last stanza of the song ties really well into his character arc fhshgh. Also, this song just feels like it could Be the child of Bloody Stream, if that makes any sense. it’s so groovy and funky, but the lyrics are like big ominous lmao. I was super ecstatic to find this song- if sergio were to ever get an animation, this song would be the OP, yanno?

armageddon- This is another “this song would be on their personal playlist” song. Sergio’s got a lot of love for all styles of music in his heart, but jazz is his home base and always what he comes back to. I like to imagine that Lisa Lisa’s husband introduces Sergio to Wayne Shorter’s music at the age of like 8 or 9, and Sergio’s just. obsessed with the man’s music for the rest of his life. I really love Shorter’s explanation for the meaning of this song and its album as a whole: “What I’m trying to express here is a sense of judgment approaching - judgment for everything alive from the smallest ant to man. I know that the accepted meaning of ‘Armageddon’ is the last battle between good and evil - whatever it is. But my definition of the judgment to come is a period of total enlightenment in which we will discover what we are and why we’re here.” Like… wig.. I feel like that’s such big sergio energy. Armageddon itself also feels like a really nice ED- it’s lively, but in a good episode-ending kind of way. Do i dream of animating Sergio’s adventure one day? Mayhaps.

honorable mention goes to just my imagination/ my girl- We’ve covered that Sergio adores The Temptations, so it’s no secret that he would listen to these songs ceaselessly. however, i really like the broadway harmonies + instrumentals that they did for Ain’t Too Proud, so that’s what’s goin in here. these songs are THE tomoko/sergio songs…He loves Tomoko and the way she quips + teases + gets up to nonsense with him So Much. There’s a huge part of him that has No Idea what Tomoko sees in a music geek like him, but ughh he is so grateful that she likes him because she is a Goddess. he’s blessed yo..

[lanzhanlanzhan]

Wei Wuxian - On Loving Lan Wangji

(Or 'I was supposed to be writing fanfiction but my character notes got ahead of me and now I have another meta')

One of the most charming things about CQL!Wei Wuxian is this: up to the end, I don't think he has realized that he is in love with Lan Wangji.

I mean, we know. The world around them knows. Heck, I think even Lan Wangji knows, because bless this boy, I think he resolved his own 'I am in love with Wei Wuxian' arc even before the show's half-way point.

Wei Wuxian, though? I don't think so. Funny enough, in CQL-verse, there were already hints of something promising between Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji even before Wei Wuxian's death, unlike in the novel where Wei Wuxian was completely in the dark and only developed feelings for Lan Wangji in his second life. CQL-verse though gave them that foundation of them being two people who were drawn to one another from the start, who became friends and even established a bond so close they can consider themselves as soulmates. Again, all these before Wei Wuxian even died.

I would like to once again send my heartfelt gratitude to Xiao Zhan for all those interviews that gave us a glimpse of his headspace as Wei Wuxian. In a few of these interviews, Xiao Zhan mentioned how part of Wei Wuxian's next life involved having to resolve things in the last one, and this actually included his learning to trust Lan Wangji again. 

In his old life, Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji had to struggle with a beautiful relationship on the verge of collapse, brought by Wei Wuxian's seeming refusal to let go of his ghost cultivation path, and Lan Wangji's conviction that Wei Wuxian had to return to sword cultivation because any other path would harm him. The tragedy of it all was that they were both in the right—Wei Wuxian required an alternative path to fight for what he believed was right despite having lost his golden core, and Lan Wangji (who did not yet know about Wei Wuxian's core) was also correct in that ghost cultivation was affecting Wei Wuxian's psyche. All these came to a head at Nightless City, with Wei Wuxian, heartbroken over having lost the people he fought so hard for, went against the whole cultivation world. In that state, he also saw that Lan Wangji was still against him, tried to stop him, even though Lan Wangji himself was still conflicted though his heart was still with Wei Wuxian in the end. 

Now, this time it would be Wei Wuxian's character song that makes things interesting. His character song seems to be set while he was in that space between his two lives, looking back at a life that strayed so far away from where his good intentions would have wanted it to go. He recounts his life, but interestingly and heartbreakingly, when we reach the chorus, although the words are actually never the same, the lines are nonetheless about the same single thing:

Chorus 1:

I have tried to take a jar of liquor with a smile

And once fought with the most beautiful person in Gusu

Chorus 2 (here, the lines dedicated to the subject are even longer):

I was once stunned by someone

And teased the cloud patterns with my fingertips

The sudden vibrations of a zither

I wonder why I am remembering these deep in my dream

Chorus 3:

I also once had someone in the mortal world

To love and to long for

The chorus always starts talking about Lan Wangji—and yet, it doesn't really sound like Wei Wuxian fully realizes how much this person means to him. He looks at it from a distance, perhaps because it was a life that was already over and he was regretful about how things had ended. The feelings are bittersweet—and just wow, those lines where Wei Wuxian calls Lan Wangji as "the most beautiful person in Gusu" are just too powerful for my poor, weak heart. Note though that with Wei Wuxian, this could mean either he did think of Lan Wangji as the most beautiful person in Gusu, or he just took it for granted that Lan Wangji was known as the most beautiful person in Gusu. Or it could be a bit of both, with not a lot of overthinking because... ah, Wei Ying, Wei Ying.

Fast forward now to after Wei Wuxian's resurrection. We know he and Lan Wangji were not in a good place because Wei Wuxian hid from him at first. He got anxious when he heard the juniors talking about Hanguang-jun, and actually discouraged them from calling him over. This was the man he once called his soulmate! How bad of a fall-out had theirs been for things to change so drastically. It definitely took some time for Wei Wuxian to feel comfortable around Lan Wangji again. 

Two things, I think, softened Wei Wuxian. First, Lan Wangji's drunken confession in CQL-verse was that he regretted the events leading to Wei Wuxian's death. It made Wei Wuxian realize why Lan Wangji was looking for him in the first place, all this time. He sought to comfort Lan Wangji and explained that he was not to blame. We can see Wei Wuxian was moved by how gently he took care of Lan Wangji that night, drunk as he was. 

Second was Lan Xichen telling Wei Wuxian about the events after his death, what punishments Lan Wangji endured and how he retained his faith and conviction about Wei Wuxian even after all of that. Even the story about their mother was telling; it was a glimpse of how strongly and stubbornly Lan Wangji loves someone, and how deeply that love goes, even if he does not say anything in words. Lan Xichen reminded Wei Wuxian of how adamant and persistent Lan Wangji had been about saving Wei Wuxian in his past life. Wei Wuxian said that it was unnecessary for Lan Wangji to have done these things, to suffer through his loyalty to Wei Wuxian especially when Wei Wuxian was already dead. But somehow it must have proven something to him, too, and gave him a sense of security with Lan Wangji.

After these things, love (or at the very least, trust and attachment) just seemed to develop naturally from there. Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji are good together especially as "partners-in-crime", so to speak. They are a very effective team, and while this goes to show how naturally compatible they are, the adventures they go through just also strengthen the bond between them. What finally cemented their relationship in this second life, resolving any other doubts Wei Wuxian might have had with Lan Wangji, was that face-off at Lanling, where Lan Wangji had the opportunity to deny Wei Wuxian again in order to retain his respected status in the cultivation world. Lan Wangji refused, announced that he knew it was Wei Wuxian from the start, and told Wei Wuxian that it wasn't so bad, walking in this path of his. 

They were noticeably inseparable from there. What makes my heart sing about this is that this time, Wei Wuxian is more actively sticking to Lan Wangji. He needs no one else other than Lan Wangji, has complete faith in him. Back in Yi City, we saw how confident he was that Lan Wangji would win against Xue Yang, he was not even worried when he took the kids to safety. Then at the Burial Mounds, when he drew the spirit attraction enchantment on himself to drive away the corpses, he refused any other help, saying Lan Wangji was enough to protect him. 

There were many other instances. In Lotus Pier, he was constantly with Lan Wangji, and even presented him to his family. He accepted insults about himself from Jiang Cheng, but not even his guilt towards Jiang Cheng would allow him to let his brother insult Lan Wangji. Even his asking Lan Wangji to take him away from Lotus Pier after the confrontation with Jiang Cheng was telling, because Wei Wuxian used to be self-sufficient and was uncomfortable asking for help. But he was doing so freely with Lan Wangji. 

Even before entering the Guanyin Temple, Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji had a conversation about Wen Ning—another staple in Wei Wuxian's life—needing to find a life for himself. Interestingly, the thought that Lan Wangji (who was about as attached to him as Wen Ning was) similarly needed a life free from him did not even occur to Wei Wuxian. He would let Wen Ning go, but Lan Wangji stays.

Then, at the Guanyin Temple, when he found out that everyone seemed to know about his losing his golden core, Wei Wuxian checked with Lan Wangji first, asking, "So do you also know?" By this point, Lan Wangji had become a far first in his mind, far from everyone else. Wei Wuxian looks to him first, and before facing anything else that remained against him, he has to check first that things between him and Lan Wangji were okay.

This is also why the last episode is so heartbreaking. After the events at the temple, Wei Wuxian whisks Lan Wangji away and makes a run for it. Escaping did seem to be his intention, too, because when Wen Ning and Lan Sizhui—the most harmless, loyal people to them both—caught up to them, Wei Wuxian looked disappointed that they were caught.

Of course, he then learned that Lan Sizhui was none other than their beloved A-Yuan, and that was a heart-warming reunion all around. Eventually though, Lan Sizhui and Wen Ning said their goodbyes, and Wei Wuxian turned to Lan Wangji, wondering where they would go. He never thought to even ask Lan Wangji where he would go, never thought it would be anywhere Wei Wuxian wouldn't be, because already he learned to be secure that Lan Wangji would never leave his side. In a way, he took it for granted that Lan Wangji would no longer leave him, but to be fair to Wei Wuxian, after everything that had happened and given his own feelings towards Lan Wangji, it was an easy assumption and mistake to make, to have that sense of security towards someone to whom one's heart was so drawn to.  

Somehow though, I do think their parting might have done Wei Wuxian some good. Again, Wei Wuxian is a dense motherf*cker not the type who digs deeply at his own mind and feelings (heck, the boy falls asleep during meditation, and never forget the 'Do you like Mianmian?' incident), doesn't label things and just rides those feelings out openly and freely. Time apart from Lan Wangji could have given him more space to assess what he was feeling for the guy, what it meant to miss him, how badly he was missing him, and so on. And we know he missed him badly, because who in their right mind would play their theme song atop a mountain, looking like they were about to cry? How afraid he was to look behind him and find that maybe Lan Wangji wasn't really there, that it was all in his head… oh, Wei Ying. 

So, yes. We did not get the "I love you's" (nor "that night, I really wanted to sleep with you!" lmao) in the drama, but this also makes sense because Wei Wuxian probably also did not even know, or did not know what to call it, or whatever the heck they were. But spending those days (perhaps even months or years) away from Lan Wangji were clearly difficult for him, enough for us to know that their reunion would bring Wei Wuxian such relief, he likely would never let Lan Wangji go again. And maybe, just maybe, when they meet again, that's when it all comes to Wei Wuxian, the feelings he isn't able to keep anymore, and he would just burst out, "I miss you! I love you!"

[day-dreamiest]

My first experience dreaming about reality shifting, linked with lucid dreaming

16/01/21

Last night, I had a dream that I was trying to shift realities. I had to cross a bridge, through a portal to a gateway room that would allow me to enter my desired reality.

I had never heard of reality shifting until yesterday. It intrigued me so I watched a YouTube video and read a few blog posts about it. I didn't delve particularly deep into it but I intended to find out more later.

I have always been interested in lucid dreaming, and used to lucid dream regularly as a child. I also have also been through phases in my life where I have read a lot around the subject and actively tried to have lucid dreams.

Shifting realities is very new to me. I definitely don't understand it yet, or how it is different to lucid dreaming but I'm interested to find out more.

I had gone to sleep hoping to have a lucid dream, but I didn't do anything special to prepare or encourage me to have one.

In the dream it seemed like I was aware I was in a dream, but yet it didn't feel like the lucid dreams I had experienced before.

The first thing I remember was that I was crossing a bridge. There were many other people all with me who were also trying to shift realities. It seemed there was some sort of force field type barrier at the end of the bridge. If you crossed it, it would lead you into a new room.

I remember being told I had to shift ir alter my thinking before I passed through the barrier. I'm not sure if this was to allow me to pass through the barrier or if it was just to prepare my mind before I went into the other room.

I'm not really sure what I did with my mind, if I cleared it or focused it, but either way, it was an unusual sensation going through the barrier.

The air felt thick and it felt harder to walk through. Also I could no longer hear the people behind me. Instead there was a thick dull sound in my ears, like being underwater. My vision ahead looked blured and somehow bright like parts of it were glowing and there was no colour, it was all in black and white.

After a few seconds (although it almost felt longer, like it was timeless in there) I passed through the barrier. I found myself in a room or hall with a very high ceiling. It reminded me of being in an empty stately home or art gallery.

There were people in this room. Some people were walking around, others were sat on the floor and appeared to be meditating. It seemed like this was a gateway room where you prepared yourself before entering into your desired reality. There were several doors leading out the room. I never opened any of them, but I assumed the idea was that once you felt ready, you would open the door and it would lead you to your desired reality.

As this was my first time trying this, I asked people around me for help. It seemed like the room was filled with both beginners and experts who had done this many times, all using this gateway room to shift to their desired reality.

I asked a small group of people sat on the floor for help. It's weird, I remember talking to them and asking them questions but I don't think they ever replied to me, just smiled wordlessly.

I told them that this was my first time attempting this and that I wasn't sure what I was doing. I said I definitely didn't expect to shift on my first try but I wanted help and any tips that would allow me to shift in the future.

This next part is more connected with lucid dreaming than reality shifting. I read that with lucid dreaming you are in control of everything and can manipulate anything in your dream, but with reality shifting, you can't.

Since I didn't know how to enter my desired reality (In fact, I didn't even have a prepared DR) I decided to practise other things. Using previous experience and knowledge of lucid dreaming, I decided to try and manipulate my surrounding.

I decided to change the wallpaper in the room slightly. Then I tried to do it again, this time one step further. This time I thought of the most random thing I could think of - tomatoes. I decided to change the wallpaper to a blue background with a repeating pattern of tomatoes. I wanted to pick something so bizarre so I could be sure it was me controlling it.

After those two simple attempts, I was satisfied I had been able to manipulate my surroundings and decided to stop there.

I told the wordless people sitting around me what I had been able to do. I explained I was happy with what I had achieved on my first visit and I wanted to leave it at that for now, hoping next time I could do something more complex.

I don't remember coming out of the dream or waking up, but I did have multiple very vivid dreams after that one.

I know I didn't shift realities, but I found the whole dream and experience very interesting.

I read a post about people who have attempted to use lucid dreaming as a method to shift to their desired reality. I wonder if I'd ever be able to do it.

For now, I'm going to learn more about reality shifting and lucid dreaming, but I really hope I can find my way back to that same gateway room in another dream.

[d-noona]

MAKE OVER

Chapter 10: Changing Crime Scenes

Jung Hoseok x Reader

Reader as Kang Hyeonji

SUMMARY: When Kang Hyeonji transformed herself into a striking redhead, the entire male population of Seoul stood up and took notice. But her make over was for Jung Hoseok’s benefit alone. He began to show interest in the new look but not in the way she wanted. Suddenly he was over-protective, perhaps a little jealous. It seemed that the idea of having a relationship with her couldn’t be further from his mind. The girl however wants more. So it was time for an ultimatum. If Hoseok didn’t want Hyeonji to lose her virginity to another admirer, he had no option but to make love to her himself.

Hyeonji would be eternally grateful that other people pounced on Hoseok as soon as they entered the club, because she was in a state of shock. Good manners had her smiling and saying the right things on automatic pilot, but it was a real relief that she couldn't have a private conversation with Hoseok at that point. She needed to assimilate what had just happened, what he'd agreed to. She needed time to calm the panic within.

But time brought little calm, only the most debilitating cluster of nerves. Her mind whirled with a possibly inaccurate memory of saying which was perversely apt for the occasion, and went something like this: Careful of what you might want, because one day you might just get it.

Naturally, she could not eat any of the dinner placed in front of her. Not a bite. Hoseok, however, was not similarly stricken. He ate his food while chatting casually with the others seated at the official table, acting as if nothing untoward on his mind. Clearly, his agreeing to deflower his best friend after the dinner was over did not rate sufficient reason to go off his food. He might have lost his head but he hadn't lost his appetite.

Men, Hyeonji decided with growing cynicism, were a different breed altogether. Their egos, never their feelings, dictated all their actions. Hoseok was only taking her to bed because he could not bear for Jungkook to. It had nothing to do with desire for her and everything to do with male competitiveness.

She moved her food around the various plates, trying to make it look as if she'd eaten something. She found comfort in continuously sipping her wine, an easy task since her glass was never empty. The very attentive waiter kept topping it up, perhaps because from his elevated position he could peer down her cleavage.

When he went to top it up again during dessert, Hoseok's hand suddenly appeared over the glass barring the way. Not a word was spoken but the waiter got the message. After he'd moved on to attend to others at the table. Hoseok leant towards her.

"Under the circumstances, a reasonable alcoholic consumption would be beneficial," he said quietly. "Too much, however, would definitely be counter-productive. Unless of course, you wish to be close to unconscious when I take you to bed," he added on a dry note. "I do realize I'm not your first choice for this honor, but I would like you to at least remember who was responsible next morning."

Hyeonji felt totally miffed. So she'd been right. Hoseok's decision to be her first lover was just a matter of ego. She vowed to find something cutting to say in return, nut floundered abysmally.

The Master of Ceremonies' introduction of the night's guest speaker put Hyeonji out of her misery. Hoseok rose up from his chair to walk up onto the stage which had been set up at one end of the long rectangular room, standing to one side of the podium while the MC ran through praise-filled resume of Hoseok's achievement in business. She was too busy staring at Hoseok, at this absolutely gorgeous man whom she adored for many many years, and who in a couple of hours' time, would hopefully do what she'd always wanted him to do.

And she'd been stupidly sitting there, finding fault with him and indulging in all sorts of insecure female rubbish. Good God what was wrong with her? This was the stuff romantic dreams were made of. She'd accuse Hobi once of never stopping and smelling the flowers yet here she was, letting panic and pride spoil what should be the happiest night of her life.

Well, from this moment in tonight, she was going to stop and smell the flowers. She would not question Hoseok's motivations for making love to her. She would not worry about tomorrow. She would simply enjoy each moment for what it was and let the rest of the world go by.

Her eyes softened as they watch Hoseok step up to the podium, looking so sophisticated and impressive. With her silly anger gone, she listened to every word he said, quickly rapt in power and sincerity of his speech. He spoke of achievement in terms of faith in one's own ability and that unswerving tunnel vision which refused to accept defeat and called every seeming failure an experience. He did not gloss over the necessity of hard work, nor the difficulties of the present economic climate. He was passionate and inspiring. You could hear a pin drop in the room. Hyeonji felt so proud.

That's the man I love, she wanted to call out to everyone. But of course she did not. She sat there silently, vowing that tonight she would show Hoseok that love, in every touch, every caress. She might not have Tinashe's expertise in bed, but she would give him something the other woman could not. True love. And true passion. Nothing feigned nor faked.

When Hoseok finished his speech, the room erupted with applause, Hyeonji clapping as enthusiastically as everyone else.

After that, it was time to get on with the award-giving, Jungkook coming lucky at last. When he strode up on stage to accept the award, Hyeonji tensed a little. But no one would have guessed the two men were anything but best of friends, both of them smiling broadly while the photographer snapped them together.

But Jungkook whispered something after the photographer had finished, something which had Hoseok frowning momentarily over at Hyeonji. He said something back to Jungkook, who made another remark then laughed and slapped Hoseok on the shoulder. By the time Hoseok sat back down next to Hyeonji, she could not contain her curiosity.

"What did Jungkook say to you just then?" She asked tautly.

"When? Jungkook never says anything of importance." Hoseok replies. "But you did frown at me afterwards." Hyeonji pushed.

"It was nothing. Just Jungkook being Jungkook. He's always a bad loser. Come on. Let's go." When he stood up abruptly, Hyeonji gaped at him. "Now? You want to go now?"

"Yes. Why not? Surely you dont want to stay here and make meaningless chit chat? It's already ten thirty. It'll be nearing midnight by the time we make it to my place. If I'm to deliver you back home before the dawn. I think we should shake a leg, don't you?" Hoseok smirked at Hyeonji.

"Well, I...I..." to tell him that her mother would not worry if she didn't make it home before dawn would have met with much skepticism. "Fine," she finally said, her voice not much more than a squeak.

Swallowing, she stood up and let Hoseok propel her shaky legs from the room and the club. "Where exactly is your place?" Hyeonji queried on their way to the car. "Just bought a new apartment in one of those new inner-city high rises a couple of months back. I only moved in this last week though."

"A new car, and now a new place," Hyeonji remarked casually, though her heart was singing with the thought that if he'd only moved in this last week he'd never spent time alone with Tinashe there, never slept with her in that particular bedroom. Who knew maybe even the bed was a new one?

Thinking about bedrooms and beds brought resurgence of nerves which reminded her forcibly of her empty stomach. Maybe she should have tried to eat something. The last thing she wanted was her hunger pains making embarrassing noises while Hoseok was making love to her.

They reach the car and Hoseok opened the passenger door for her. Their eyes met and Hoseok's were irritatingly unreadable. If he was nervous about the rest of the evening, he certainly wasn't showing it. "You're not the only one who's decided to make changes in their life," he said matter-of-factly. "Turning twenty five made me realize time was moving on."

Oh my God, she though. He is thinking about marrying Tinashe. "Twenty five is not that old Hobi," she said hastily. "I mean, not for a man. Now it might be for a woman because she has to have babies, but in a man's case there's no need for him to rush into marriage."

"Marriage? I wasn't talking about marriage! I was talking about enjoying some of the money I've worked so hard to make. Oh, do just get in. And don't gabble me all the way to the apartment. I like to listen to music when I drive. And I like to concentrate."

Hoseok slotted a Bangtan Sonyeondan CD into the built-in player before easing out of the parking space. Maybe he founf their music relaxing and upbeat, but Hyeonji discovered that these Idols were one of a kind. Singularity playing on the background, Hyeonji found the music disturbingly erotic in several ways.

The next hour seemed eternal. Hyeonji stared through the passenger window, first into the blackness of the countryside, then later the city lights. She tried every method known to mankind to still her churning stomach. Deep, even breathing. Meditation. More common-sense reasoning of the type she'd soothed herself with at dinner.

This is what you've always wanted. Stop being a silly ninny. Hoseok knows what he's doing. He's and experienced lover. It won't hurt. It's going to be wonderful. These last thoughts had small measure of success till they drew close to Han River, after which butterflies in Hyeonji's stomach reached plagued proportions.

"You know, you don't have to do this is you don't want to," she blurted out. His side ways glance carried total exasperation. "If you think for a moment I'm going to let you back out now, then you have another thing coming!"

"Yes, but if you don't really want to..."

"Don't want to?" He grated out. "Are you mad? I'm sitting here in fucking agony, I want you so much. Hell, I've thought of nothing else all night!"

"Oh" Hyeonji was stunned, then thrilled by the dark frustration in his voice. She would certainly never have guessed by his manner. Maybe he wasn't doing this just because of ego after all. Maybe he really wanted her, Kang Hyeonji.

Or maybe any attractive female would have done as we, came the added dampening thought. Clearly he'd been celibate since his separation from Tinashe started over four weeks ago. Maybe he was just dying for some sex, and she tipped him over the edge tonight with her provocative dress and flirty manner. Hadn't he said he'd agreed to sleep with her that he'd lost his head?

"Look just in case you're languishing under misapprehension here," Hoseok went on quite irritably, "I am not sacrificing myself on the altar of friendship tonight. It's passion that sends men to bed with women, not compassion. I wanted you the moment I saw you tonight."

Hyeonji took little comfort from his confession. It sounded like a case of uncontrollable male frustration to her. "So you can stop sitting there worrying I might stop this time," Hoseok informed her with a savage sideways glance. "My conscience is well and truly routed. And you can stop acting like a nervous bride on her wedding night. You kew exactly what you were doing tonight, you wicked little minx. I finally realize that. No one comes out on a date dressed like THAT without a preconceived game plan. You were determined to seduce some poor, unsuspecting male tonight no matter, weren't you?"

"Something like that," as Hyeonji answers.

Less than twenty seconds later he was easing his Mazda into the allotted parking space for unit 3234.

Hyeonji swallowed hard.

The curtain was about to go up on the biggest show of her life. For once, she was center stage, the heroine of the play, with Hoseok her hero. Ten days ago this would have been unbelievable, unthinkable. Yet here she was.

This is your one last chance Hyeonji, a voice whispered in her head. Don't waste it.

Suddenly, the knots in her stomach began to unravel and a strange calm overtook her. Without waiting for Hoseok, she reached for the door handle and let herself out of the car. She felt oddly ethereal as she watched him climb out of the car and walked around to join her. Almost as though she was having an out-of-body experience. She was here, yet she was also watching from afar.

"Are you alright Hyeonji?" Hoseok asked, frowning. Her smile was dreamy. "Yes, I'm fine." His frown deepened. "You're not drunk, are you?" Hyeonji simply answered him by shaking her head.

"You knocked back a lot of that wine over dinner and you didn't really eat much."

"I didn't have much appetite," she admitted. "I was thinking of you, Hobi. And this." Again without waiting for him she slid her arms around his neck, reached up on tiptoe and Pressed herself against him.

He just stood there, deliciously acquiescent, while her lips found his in a series of light kisses which fluttered over his mouth like angels' wings. Hyeonji was in seventh heaven, making soft satisfied little noises in her throat. Her fingers stroked the back of his neck, her thumbs caressing the soft skin behind his ears.

Finally, Hoseok's lips parted as he sucked in a long., quivering breath. Hyeonji's tongue immediately darted forward, connecting with his own tongue tip before it could retreat. She felt his hesitation, ruthlessly ignored it, snaking her tongue deep into his mouth then winding it around the full length of his.

She was the original Eve, tempting Adam with the pleasures of flesh, but combining her seduction with an even more subtle force. Her love for him. It gave her power she could never have guessed at. And the will to exercise that power. She undulated her tongue and her body against his, and urged him on as females had been urging their menfolk since time immemorial.

His tortured groan startled her as his hands came up to grip her shoulders. His fingertips dug into her flesh and for a few moments his tongue took over and gave her a glimpse on how Hoseok would make love.l, once he really lost his head.

Just savagely he yanked her away from him, holding her at arms length while he glared down at her with a blistering reproach in his blazing brown eyes.

"No, damn it," he ground out. "No!"

"But you said you wouldn't stop." She cried in dismay.

"I'm not stopping, you little fool. I'm changing the scene of the crime." And taking her hand, he began dragging across the car park. "The crime?" She echoed.

"Yeah. What you were doing to me just then was criminal. But don't worry, Miss Moving On. I'll let you do whatever you fancy once we're in the privacy of my bedroom. In fact, I'll insist upon it."

Chapter 11

Masterlist