#i will miss this job and these coworkers but i am relived that i wont have to go to work for awhile. esp with this tooth pain.

[be-good-to-bugs]

you would think considering how much it loves sleeping that my body would, yknow, sleep when i ask it to. or even just when it has barely slept in days and im trying so hard to sleep

[l3asho]

What am I doing with myself. I feel like all of my friendships have run their course. I feel like Maryland has nothing left to offer me. I feel like I am “damaged goods” and that every single person I come across that I take an interest in is already taken, unavailable, whatever. To be honest, I’m grateful that I am at the point where I am looking for somebody to be with again, I didn’t think that was ever going to happen again for me. When I go to Dunkin Donuts to get coffee in the mornings, rare mornings, I’m driving down the street I know he walked to get the last shot he ever took and  and I am tracing his footsteps. I’m driving down the street I picked him up so many times, and I remember one night I was begging him to please stop because I wouldn’t be able to make it if anything ever happened to him- that he deserved to be more than a statistic. There’s a five minute drive from the coffee place to my job and in that time I’ve relived all of the what ifs and the what is and then I go clock in...so more often than not I go get coffee from somewhere else except for on days I really miss him and I need to relive the night time drives and the cigarettes. It’s hard to believe it’s been almost 2 years. I am lonely, and I want to be with somebody else because i think it’ll take away the past but I know it wont, it’ll just be a struggle to re-learn how to trust somebody and not have nightmares about them dying only to have it become a realtiy in the end. It’s so shitty because I used to have these vivid nightmares of Joe dying and I’d text him to make sure he was okay and he’d always respond and tell me he was okay, and the last time there wasn’t a text back- just my coworker on the other end of the phone telling me he was gone.  How do you recover from that? How do you bounce back? I saw a psychic twice that said I’d meet my soul mate by the end of December 2017 and then she said before September of this year. She said Joe is doing okay, smoking a lot and seeing a lot of concerts- which is why I go, to check in. After she reads my tarot cards, she tells me not to give up hope and that all this love is coming my way- but when? Is it going to help me heal? Is it going to get rid of the guilt, am I going to be able to trust this person, are they going to be loyal? Are they going to still love me while I re-learn how to be able to love somebody without worrying that I’ll get another phone call like the call I got about Joe? Are they going to leave me broken like Robert did, are they going to leave me the way Joe swore he wouldn’t? Where am I going to find them when I feel like my life has hit a dead end. My job doesn’t even pay me enough to afford new tires. My friendships are all unfulfilling- I don’t think I actually like anybody I call a “friend” and I think that’s because I can’t relate to any of them anymore. They are all in relationships-happy or otherwise, planning for the future, married, adopting children, buying houses while I sit on the couch with my dogs in my moms house watching Whose Line Is It Anyway for the 5th hour in a row editing my work’s Facebook page. If I don’t make it into my program, which I doubt I will because I fucking blew my interview on Friday, what am I going to do for a career? Am I just going to spend the rest of my life on my moms couch watching TV? I’m almost 26, what am I going to do? What can I afford to do? I am so tired of the what ifs. I am so tired of falling in love with temporary people- KNOWING they aren’t a realistic option for me no matter how badly I’d want them. All I want is somebody that is honest, that is loyal, that is genuinely in love with me and that I am genuinely in love with. I want a house with a lot of windows that I can afford comfortably with a job I like going to every single day with someboody I am happy to come home to and that is happy to come home to me. I want friends that put as much into the friendship as I do, friends that support me and teach me new and interesting things. I think that’s what I miss the most about Emily. Her insanely self centered attitude and disregard for other’s needs could almost be balanced out but her adventurous spirit. I think most of all, I just want to be happy. I want to stop feeling like a burden to my mom- even though she says I’m not, I know I am. I want to stop feeling so alone. I want to feel loved and like somebody needs me, and right now I don’t.