#i wish i could brush all this off as overemotional paranoia
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g-d i wish i had just one real friend
#saskia screaming into the void#rant#it's been years#and last time was... traumatic to say the least#despite all my jokes to the contrary i'm actually really really bad at this whole shut-in life thing#i don't even know anymore if i'm drowning or swimming or if i've just learned to just barely breathe at rock bottom#i keep trying to numb myself with drugs#but i would give all the benzos and oxy and alcohol in the world for just some genuine human intimacy from someone who actually cares#but it's always my role to be the expendable one#the one who always has to initiate every conversation or they just forget about me#and as soon as someone better comes along it doesn't matter how hard i try either way#i wish i could brush all this off as overemotional paranoia#but once it's happened to you with literally every relationship you've ever had. including your own parents...#it gets hard to see it as anything but justified abandonment trauma on repeat#and it makes it so hard to continue to try to reach out again and again#knowing you'll probably just end up even more hurt and disappointed
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