#i wonder if that's why im drawn towards intense and complex emotions in fiction

[noa-ciharu]

e, n, v.

I think I did N in one of prev answers so other two:

E - have you added anything cracky/ hilarious to your fandom?

I still have my crack theory that swords Fuuma and Kamui use in battles are symbolism for unprotected sword battling under sheets in bedroom. And also:

Yea Clamp you weren't subtle. Fuuma you gonna end up killing someone with that thing

Also I think I added to trc/x fandom that Kamui is actually a kinky little repressed kitten but? that's not rly a headcanon? I mean just look at him, masochism overload.

Also I think both of us contributed to Seishirou's shoulder pads crack fact theory (idk if it was in fandom before? I guess it was?); we need to dig up those crack posts

V - which character do you relate the most?

Out of clamp characters? Damn this one is hard bc all of them are far too emotional and dramatic for me to relate to any of them; but on other hand even someone as stoic as Doumeki isn't relatable to me bc of blank affect (?). Also how fast characters connect and open one to one another is mindboggling to me. Biggest plot twist to me in MKR was how Hikari fell for Eagle instantly?? Like girl how??? I'll never understand...

So I guess those are moments when worst man alive start being relatable.... yea, him.

Because, how do I say it? I do care about people but they hardly ever do interest me? I have two deeper platonic bonds from years before but beside that I mostly form very shallow bonds with people; emotional connection is something that's ??? to me because I simply cannot open up to people. I guess deep down I do see relationships as prisons and need for emotional connection as flaw (always need for self sufficiency). I genuinely can't recall if I ever missed someone. And there are buncha emotion related things I can only understand on cognitive level, like romantic attraction or falling in love. There were few times when some people tried to know me better really fast and my inner self defense mechanisms kicked in and I got so uncomfortable I avoided them like plague. Displays of intense emotions from others do tend to make me uncomfortable so I gradually start distancing myself from that situation/person.

During my childhood I've always been described as cold and emotionless, even got called a buncha names (like monster or child with defect) by own relatives to the boot - but I did have emotions (otherwise their words wouldn't have affected me), just self taught myself to neither express them nor be aware of their presence. Yea, it's completely possible to feel something and be completely unaware of it. I remember one time (I was 16ish I think) i was out with friend and ran into relative; chitchated a min or two and later on friends was 'wow you rly hate that person' based on what she saw. Which was a puzzlement to me, bc I didn't hate that relative, at least not that I knew at that time.

Basically only way I could deal with emotions was to "think" them, not "feel" them; intellectualization my beloved. However during social interactions I was constantly on a survey, collecting data how "I'm supposed" to act in order to be "normal" - and that's where more problems kicked in, I had no clue of what I "felt" was genuine emotion or just transaction. Long story short, my emotional regulation and self identification were at 0. I ended up in therapy and it honestly helped me to great degree, especially with understanding my own emotions and identifying them, but I'm still emotionally detached from my own self and people around me. Therapists told me it's intense form of maladjusted self protection :<

There are times when I do wonder how it'll be like to have close emotional bond with someone, but I'm very bad at handling them so cons far outweigh the pros pretty fast