#i’m so drained and depressed and sick to my stomach rn

[meat-huge-pain-endless]

peeling my skin off and tearing my hair out and screaming and crying and vomiting and walking into traffic and

[jackies-fuckin-around]

Ok if I'm being real.... [Rant]

I'm doing absolutely horrendous.

I keep a decent front. At least I think I do. I laugh, I joke, I even feel all right from time to time. But truth be told I'm doing absolutely horrible. My depression has slammed me due to my financial situation. I'm going to have to quit therapy bc I can't afford it anymore. I can't depend on my partner to pay my bills so I pay em and I'm ruining mine and my partner's lives with this.

I made the mistake of believing that I could make it big on Etsy selling stuff. Yeah that was a big, fat lie. No you can't if you have any form of executive dysfunction and/or are depressed as shit. It's draining. It fucking sucked the life and money out of me. And I have nothing to show for it. Nothing but piles of money I could have used more wisely.

My work is cutting my hours and refuses to make me full time. I'm honestly sick to my stomach because I go on vacation at the end of this week and we had a sudden bill come up and now we're choking. My car died and needed several repairs since then and I've been fucked since then. Honestly I'm so angry and so upset at this point because it was all due to me believing I could fucking run a damn 'handmade' shop. I don't know what the hell got into my head and I hate it so, so much. I lost my passion for making things because I worked so hard on it and burnt myself out. I now have no drive or motivation and it is slowly marching me to my financial coffin.

This isn't a cry for money. I hate when people beg for donations on the internet so please for the love of god do not fucking think you have to give me a damn thing. I made my decisions, I fucked myself over. No one needs to pay for that. Now I'm here depressed and barely able to leave the bed most days and honestly? It pisses me off to no end. Commissions are open on my art page but honestly I don't expect anything from that based solely off the fact that I'm not that great at art so yeah.

Anyway yeah so I'm doing absolutely horrible if anyone needs to know, I make my life sound great but in reality I'd love to off myself right now because everything is awful and I feel trapped. So yeah. Anyways yeah don't just hand me money or think I want any sympathy. I just want everyone to know that I'm not replying to your RP's because I fuckin want to die rn and my brain is literally not working the way it needs to. I don't hate you, I'm still interested, I just. Y'know. Feel like shit. Absolute shit.

End rant