#i'd make it slightly more slowburn probably

[ghost-proofbaby]

should i rewatch criminal minds and give my spencer reid fanfic another go after i finish up twenty four hours?

i just miss him terribly

[mksbigg3stfan]

so umm umm you know, when you have free time ummm RADESSE /explode

i need opinions, the only ones i see are extremely neutral or simple hate cough cough, i would love to read what you think moot!!

Of course, sure thing !!

Radar x Jesse

Kind of unusual ship, I haven't seen much content of it. If I'm being honest, I didn't know it was a ship until I saw your blog! If Radesse were to have a food comparison like the other ships, I'd say it's some kind of rare fruit, like cherimoya or something, because of how unusual it is. Not bad, just unusual. (Apparently they taste super good!!)

I can say that you seem to characterize Radar pretty well! People in the MCSM fandom seem to sort of ... infantalize (?) And kind of baby Radar even though he's a grown adult. One that has tattoos and has had multiple jobs before ... So I'd say a lot of the hate for the ship (and any ship with Radar) comes from the infantalization of him, which makes people think of him as a younger, more impressionable, "must be protected character." Which doesn't really make sense. Radar hates being talked down to, and he probably wouldn't appreciate being treated like a kid when he's an independent adult.

Besides that, Radar had never considered himself an adventurous person. He's always loved hearing legends, admiring heroes and foes from afar. But when he follows Jesse, Radar discovers his talent with long-range weapons and that he is much stronger than he thinks. By the end of MCSM, Radar has grown into himself much more and is a lot more confident, plus less anxious.

You honestly make super cute Radesse art, and I love your Lapis Lazuli Au !! (jwjejrnanns) Honestly, it's kind of cute how in your AU they settle down together in the future, and Lapis is really cute! Domestic fluffy stuff is always adorable in my opinion, and your art is so warm and bright that it makes every piece feel inviting and like a piece into the little world you made for after MCSM ends.

Jesse is good at cooperating with people, and they are a really inviting, helpful person. I see Jesse as a more adventurous, can't stay down person, but I like how you portrayed them as more of a like, "I've travelled the sntire world, and had 1000s of adventures and quests, so now I'm ready to settle down (except I'm like 30-35)." It kinds of reminds me of how Jack and Nurm settled down together.

Overall, I think your Radesse is really cute! But, like all ships, it has a few flaws. Not that it isn't cute! In game, if you take too long to make a choice when talking to Radar, Jesse defaults to a pretty cold response. There's also the issue with the idolization of Jesse Radar has going on. It's kind of unhealthy for him and Jesse, especially when it makes Jesse uncomfortable.

Besides that, I think Radesse is just something that couldn't happen during in-game time. It would have to take place after MCSM ends, and Radar gets over his idolization of Jesse and starts seeing them as just a person that he admires. (Also, Jesse's thirst for adventure dying down.) After a year or two, maybe more, I think I can see where you're coming from onJesse coming back and settling down, and them slowburning into admiring each other. Like Jesse admiring the confidence Radar has grown, and how he's taken care of Beacontown, and Radar finding Jesse themself admirable, not their heroic deeds. But, I just think again, it's a ship that would need to happen after MCSM ends to make sense.

I don't really ship Radesse or hate it, so I don't have a super strong opinion on how their relationship should be. (Maybe besides it having to happen after the game ends if it happens lol) But, if it happens after game, I'd say it would be slightly toxic at first, but they'd probably find their place. In game run time though, I can't really see it happening.

In its defense, it definitely isn't a proship or just something that totally doesn't make sense like ... idk, Jesse x witherstorm ??? And people seem to hate it very much, but there's nothing like, inherently problematic about it, it seems like? Anyways, keep making your Lapis Lazuli au and the Radesse because tbh it's really cute !! ( ´∀｀ )b

[runningfrom2am]

the sea around us; chapter ten

In which Rafe Cameron has to choose between his dad and a pogue who's changing his outlook on life more and more every day.

(rafe cameron x f!oc)

(eventual!jj maybank x f!oc)

warnings/tags: violence, drug/alcohol use, smoking, sexual content (if you squint), slowburn, older brother’s best friend, (these tags are obv not exhaustive but regardless it’s pretty PG13)

wc: 4.4k

my masterlist

series masterlist

requests

*:･ﾟ✧*:･

When I wake up, I have a rather foggy recollection of the night before, which is pretty standard after I get home from a party. I quickly realize though, when I try and open my eyes, that I'm not back at the chateau at all. I blink a few times as I process my surroundings. The Fast posters, trophies, the body under the covers next to me. Rafe, right. He's sitting up against the headboard, looking at his phone in his lap. He's not wearing a shirt, and my cheeks burn red. I don't think we slept together, but I don't put it past the girl I was last night.

I rub my eyes a little and pull the covers up over my shoulder, looking under the covers to make sure I'm dressed. I have a shirt on, so check, and some boxers that obviously aren't mine. I'll take that as a win.

"Hey, are you awake?" He whispers, his voice still raspy from sleep.

I hum a little in response, still mostly trying to wake up, but I don't think I've ever slept in a bed this comfortable. I never want to leave.

"Not yet?" Rafe laughs slightly, and I hear his phone click off as he places it on top of the blanket.

"How are you alive?" I grumble, pulling the blanket tight under my chin.

"I could ask you the same thing." I can hear the smile on his voice. I open my eyes slightly, squinting from the sunlight coming into his room from the big window. He's reaching out towards me, and hesitates for a second before he settles his hand in my hair, pushing a few strands out of my face.

"Please, please don't tell me I puked in your bathtub." I say, feeling a smile pull at my cheeks and he shakes his head, laughing slightly.

"No, no you're good. You can handle your liquor better than any other girl I've brought back here."

"Wow, thank you." I laugh softly. I can already feel my hangover kicking in. "I'm also probably the only one who only asked to have a bath."

Rafe nods a little, his hand still in my hair. "Yeah, it's refreshing, honestly. Did, uh, did you at least have fun? Like at the party, I mean." He asks, nervousness evident in his tone.

"Mhm." I hum, nodding slightly. "Pretty sure Kie is gonna kick my ass but it was worth it."

"So like.. you remember everything, right?"

"Yep." I reply, closing my eyes again. I don't want look at him, I just know he's about to bring up how we kissed. Not because I regret it, I truly don't, I'm just more embarrassed because he's probably about to kick me out and now that's just another person I have a weird history with.

"So like.. maybe, would you still want to go out sometime?" That question catches me off guard. Apparently I did forget something, but now the conversation we had while I was in the bath comes rushing back to me.

"If you still want to, then of course." I reply, opening my eyes again and smiling up at him.

"Of course I still want to, why wouldn't I?" Rafe looks confused as he slightly laughs. He seemed so nervous a minute ago, but every ounce of that seems to be gone now.

"Guilt, embarrassment, regret, maybe, I don't know." I shrug.

"No, no way. Oh my god, I meant all that stuff I said." He shakes his head. "I'd love to hangout more. At least until your friends rip my head off, anyways. But like, I thought we just got along so well so like, why not, right?"

I smile at that, and I know my face is so red but he doesn't comment on it. "I meant it too." I reply.

"Sweet." He grins, then it's quiet for a second. "Uh, I'm gonna hop in the shower, just shout if you need anything." Rafe says, getting up from the bed and making sure I'm still covered by the blanket.

"Sounds good." I say, giving him a thumbs up as he walks into the bathroom and closes the door. I sit up and grab my head as the hangover headache instantly begins. I groan and throw the blanket off, pulling my legs up and crossing them as I look at his bedside table. I'm so thirsty I feel like I'll faint at any second, but luckily he has painkillers and a water bottle already there.

I lay back down after taking a few, and I think I fall back asleep because I don't hear him turning off the shower or coming back into the room.

"Hey, Snowy?" His arm is on my shoulder and when I open my eyes, he's got sweats on and his hair is still damp.

"I'm up." I respond groggily, sitting up again.

"Nice hair." Rafe chuckles and I reach up to try and smooth it down.

"Thank you, you should see it when I brush it." I say, climbing out of bed carefully so I don't fall. "Give me like five and I'll be ready to go."

"Are you hungry? What do you want for breakfast?" Rafe asks. "I'll go make something if you're hungry."

I didn't realize I was starving until he said that, but now that I'm thinking of it I realize I haven't eaten since breakfast yesterday.

"Oh my god, I am starving. Can I have like, some toast maybe?" I ask and he nods. "Can I be picky and ask for cream cheese and jam on it?"

"Cream cheese and jam?" He asks, looking at me confused and a little grossed out.

"Okay- don't knock it until you try it. It's so good." I laugh.

"No way- I'm knocking it now. But of course, I'll make it. Just come down when you're ready." He smiles, pulling on a shirt off the floor and closing the door behind him as he leaves.

I stand there in a state of shock for a moment. He's so nice. I really wouldn't have expected this from him, but I guess I just didn't know him before.

I go into the bathroom and quickly change back into my shorts from yesterday, deciding to leave the t-shirt he leant me on. I brush my teeth with the brush he grabbed for me the night before, and find a hairbrush in the drawer. As usual, my hair is so big after I brush it through that I look like an eighties yearbook photo, I can't ever unsee that after I saw my mothers grad photos a few years ago. I look just like her.

After washing my face, I grab my backpack and force myself to leave his room. I quietly close the door, and tiptoe down the hall towards the stairs. It's almost ten, but I don't know if anyone is still sleeping.

Just my luck, right then a door opens in the hall in front of me and I freeze.

"Snowy?" Sarah yawns, still in her pyjamas. "What are you- oh." She says as she looks at me and realizes where I came from.

"Hi Sarah." I say, trying not to sound awkward about it.

"Have a good night?" She chuckles.

"Yeah. Not in the way you think, though." I quickly clarify and she nods, but looks at me skeptically.

"Rafe is just making breakfast, if you want to join us?" I suggest, not sure what to say.

"Ugh, pass." She laughs. "Enjoy though, I'll see you when I see you." Sarah says, going back into her room and closing the door.

I cringe a little internally as I walk past her closed door and down two sets of stairs, then find my way to the kitchen.

"Woah, shit you were not kidding." Rafe laughs, sitting at the kitchen island.

"Oh, this?" I giggle, gesturing to my hair. "Yeah it's pretty bad."

"Nah, it looks fine." He grins as I put my backpack on the floor. "Come sit." He pats the stool next to him.

"Thanks for making breakfast." I say as I sit down, instantly grabbing a piece of the toast he made and taking a bite.

"Of course." He nods, resuming eating his as well.

"So, what do you want to do?" I ask after we sit in silence for a few moments.

"Like, today?"

"No, no. I mean like, later this week. Should we do lunch or coffee or maybe go for a walk or something?" I suggest, smiling at him.

"Oh, yeah. Uh, up to you. I don't mind." He shrugs.

I think for a second. "Okay, well I'll think on it and send a postcard once I decide." I joke.

He looks at me confused. "Oh shit, right. You don't have a phone." He laughs once he gets it.

"I'll give you one of mine." Rafe says casually.

"You have more than one phone?" I raise my eyebrow at him.

"Well, yeah, I just got a new one in the fall so you can take my old one." He says, covering his mouth while he talks since he's still chewing.

"You don't have to do that." I shake my head. "I'll borrow JJ's or something."

"That's stupid, I've got one sitting in a drawer that I don't use. I want you to take it." He insists.

"Kook life goes crazy." I tease and he laughs, shrugging a little.

*:･ﾟ✧*:･

About an hour later, I find myself still incredibly hungover, wearing Rafe's t-shirt, and with a new(ish) phone in my pocket as I walk back into the chateau after Rafe drops me off.

"Wow, morning sunshine." John B greets me as I enter, and I throw my bag on the ground and instantly flip face down the couch as he's in the kitchen making breakfast.

"Morning," I mumble, feeling the pounding in my head subside a little as I have my eyes covered.

"Hangover smoothie?" He asks and I give him a thumbs up without removing my head from the cushion.

I hear John B laugh and pull the blender out of a cupboard. "So, Snowy, we made a group chat without you since the twins have your phone."

"Rafe gave me a new one, I can add the new number," I reply, assuming that would be relevant.

"He got you a new phone?" He asks, shocked. "Wow. Anyways," he continues. "We got an interesting update from Kie last night.." He says, pausing to give me time to plead my case.

I sit up with a groan, holding my head. "Listen, John B, don't even worry about it. It's... yeah, don't worry." I don't really want to unload the whole story on him, especially about how we have a date set for a few days from now when I recover from this hangover.

John B laughs. "I'm not worried, I just want to know what happened." He asks. "And by the way, JJ wasn't in it. She just texted me and Pope."

"I, yeah. We, uhm.. don't worry about it." I say again, with a slight chuckle. Laughing makes my head hurt more.

"You didn't, Snowy-" John B asks, sounding more shocked than he was about the phone.

"No! no, no we didn't. Not, yeah, not that." I'm quick to clarify this time. "We just made out, and then I crashed at his place. That's all."

"That's not nothing." John B says, "Blender warning-" He adds, giving me a chance to cover my ears before he turns it on.

Once my hangover smoothie is done, he brings it to the couch for me and sits beside me. "Was it like, just a hookup situation? Or are their feelings involved?" He asks and I take the glass from him, taking a sip. It's so gross, but it almost instantly helps.

"Uh.. feelings," I mumble. "We have a date this week." I blush, hiding it in another drink from my smoothie.

"Shit, man.." John B says, leaning back and putting his arms across the back of the couch.

"Yep.." I nod. Neither of us says anything for a minute.

"Well, once JJ gets out of bed, we have an idea what Redfield is." John B tells me and I turn to look at him, surprised.

"No way!" I smile. "I'll get some painkillers in me and we'll do this."

*:･ﾟ✧*:･

"So, where are we off to?" I ask John B, as we all climb into the Twinkie. JJ hasn't said a word to me today- not directly, anyway.

"Redfield Lighthouse. My dad's favorite place." He answers, a smile pulling at his lips as he starts the Twinkie.

We pull up near the lighthouse, and all pile out of the vehicle. "Right, JJ, you're gonna post up and keep an eye out for Bogeys, alright?"

"What? Why me?" JJ responds.

"Because you're not coming," Pope says.

"Why?"

"Because there are independent and dependant variables," He explains. "You, are an independent variable, we don't know what you'll do."

"You're a tad unpredictable, JJ," I respond, sitting half inside and half outside the Twinkie.

"You both shut up!" JJ says, and I roll my eyes.

"Listen. Pope, Snowy, you stay here with JJ. See? You've got company." John B suggests and I nod a little. This will be interesting. "If we get split up, we meet back at JJ's house."

"Sounds good." I agree, giving them a thumbs up, and John B and Kie say their goodbyes, starting to head toward the entrance of the lighthouse.

I stay in my spot, grabbing my vape from my pocket as JJ starts playing hacky sack with a rock. I can tell he starts to get frustrated, and then he kicks it up into the air, hard.

"You know what, Snowy? I can't take this. Let's talk, alright?" He turns to me. I raise my hands in surrender and nod.

"Yeah, I'll be, uh, over here if you guys need me.." Pope says, wandering off. He doesn't want to get involved and I wouldn't either.

"JJ, come sit," I say, exhaling the smoke from my lungs and patting the spot next to me as I move over a little.

He sighs and sits next to me.

"I really, really don't want to fight.." I tell him quietly, looking at the ground in front of us.

"Let's just talk then."

"Okay." I smile a little and decide to look up at him.

"JJ, I feel like you don't care about me sometimes when you do things like hold a gun to my brother's head." I giggle a little, trying to set this up like we're in couples therapy or something.

JJ nods. "Yeah, okay, that's fair. However, that had nothing to do with you. I would have done the same thing if it was anybody else." He explains

"I would expect nothing less. But you didn't let me finish," I smile, poking his chest. "Then you immediately went and slept with some random girl, while I was throwing up on the side of the road, walking home alone. After witnessing my brother, and best friend almost die. I was alone." I started with a sort of laugh, but by the time I finished talking, I was almost in tears. I look back up at JJ and he nods, running his hand through his hair.

"Yeah, Snowy, I'm sorry." He apologizes, rubbing my back. "I was drunk, I was reckless, I was an independent variable, or whatever Pope said. "But, you can't be mad at me for sleeping with 'some random girl' when you went to mack on Rafe Cameron last night."

I bite my lip. "I wasn't mad about that," I lie. "I felt like you didn't care that I was hurting, and that made me sad."

"You told me you weren't mackin' on him," JJ said, smiling a little and nudging me with his elbow. The smile didn't quite reach his eyes.

I roll my eyes playfully. "Okay well, when I told you that, it wasn't the plan. Ask Kie, she'd never seen me that drunk. Maybe she has a couple times, actually. But it's going in the highlights reel for sure." I laugh.

JJ nods. "Regardless, I do care about you. And that's why I was mad about you hanging out with that Kook. He's bad news. And that's coming from me."

"I see that now." I agree. "Just... don't take it out on him. I had a great time. He was so... kind, to me..." I trail off. Something doesn't feel right about raving to JJ the way I did to Kie.

"That's great, and all, but for how long, you know, Snowy? How long is he nice to you before he sees that we will always hold you back and he ditches you?"

"Don't say that. You guys don't hold me back from shit. Also, he won't do that. But, if he does, I know I have my crew." I smile, nudging him back.

JJ goes to respond just as we hear Pope's feet hitting the ground coming towards us.

"Cops- guys, cops!" He says, jumping in the driver's seat and turning on the engine.

"Are we just gonna leave them?" I ask as Pope peels us out and I close the sliding door. "I can't see them."

"They'll be fine- we planned for this," Pope says as JJ climbs into the passenger seat.

*:･ﾟ✧*:･

We make it back to JJ's house, and I decide to lie down on the dock while JJ and Pope work on a bike in the garage just behind the house.

I take off my shirt and lay it down as a cushion, so my back doesn't hit the warm and broken wood. I pull out my new phone and decide now is a good time to reach out to the twins. I text them, tell them I've got a hold of a new phone, and they are happy to hear from me. Then, I open my text from Rafe.

R: hey, new phone treating you alright?

S: yeah, i love it! thanks again :)

He texts back almost immediately.

R: what are you up to?

S: i'm at jj's with him and pope. what about you? golfing with kegs?

R: pretty much, yeah

S: sounds like fun. kegs took me once, i blacked out and did donuts in the golf cart. they banned me :(

R: lol

R: i'm sure they'll make an exception when i take you, my dad practically owns the club

S: what doesn't he own? lol

R: true

It's been so long since I laid down, that I fall asleep, phone in hand, and don't notice I did until I am woken up. "Hey, Snowy." It's Pope. "Snowy, hey, we got John B. They got pulled to the sheriff's office, we've got to go get Kie."

I open my eyes and sit up, stretching as I stand up. I put my phone and my vape back in my pocket and pull my shirt, which is actually rafe's shirt back on, getting up and following Pope up to where the Twinkie was parked in front of the house. I climb in the back, and JJ is in the passenger seat with John B behind the wheel.

"What happened" I ask him? leaning up between the two seats.

"I kinda broke the guys arm and he said we were tweaked, called the cops."

"Ah, yes. Of course." I chuckle, sitting back down. "So what's the move now?"

"I have another idea."

We get Kie, and head into the old graveyard. It's pitch black by the time we get there, so we break out the flashlights as we trudge into the woods. "Does anyone know how to use the flashlight on an iphone?" I ask, following closely behind Pope.

"Here." Kie laughs and I hand her my phone. I watch her as she turns it on, then hands it back.

"Ah, I got it. Thanks." I laugh with her, lifting it up so I can see where I'm going.

"Olivia Redfield. My great, great, great grandmother." John B says, stopping in front of a enclosed grave.

"Woah.." I say, stealing closer and wiping off the front where the inscription is.

"Let's get this door open." JJ says, and I step out of the way so the boys can try and get it open. I know I wouldn't be much help, especially since JJ and I smoked up a bit on the drive there.

Kie and are are watching them push, when suddenly we hear a hissing sound, looking at each other, and then around on the ground. "Whoa!" Pope says when he spots it, a snake on the ground. I let out a small scream and step back.

"A snake?!" JJ says, "That's a moccasin alright- ye olde Dr. Cottonmouth. Death in the tall grass."

"Oh my god-" I say, grabbing Kie's arm as JJ promptly starts to bark at it, taking all seriousness out of the situation and I giggle.

"JJ, shut up! Shut up!" Kie shouts.

"You're gonna wake the dead, man." Pope says, tapping his shoulder and giving him a light shove.

"Dude, everyone knows they're afraid of dogs." He says, continuing to bark at it.

"Look, John B, listen, we're not gonna get in there. It's not budging. Let's just get out of here." Pope says, keeping an eye on the snake.

"What if someone goes through?" Kie asks. I think Snowy and I could fit." She explains.

"What?" JJ turns to face us. "Snowy, no, no way. Y'all are not going in there."

"You think you'll fit in there?" John B asks.

"Look, this is about your dad." Kie says.

"You deserve to know the truth, John B." I say, looking at Kie and nodding.

We walk over to the spot where we see a hole up where we can climb in, and JJ holds he hands together so he can boost us up.

We both climb in, and begin looking around.

"Y'all okay?" One of the boys calls into us.

"Yeah, still alive." Kie replies. "Woah, Snowy, look at this." She picks up a dusty orange envelope.

"Guys, we got something!" I say, picking up the envelope that clearly was thrown in the same way we entered, some months ago.

My phone starts ringing, right as I hear the boys asking what it is. I hand the envelope off to Kie, and picking it up.

"Hello?" I ask, hearing a distinct "Is she on the phone right now?" On the outside of the tomb.

"Hey, Snowy."

"Oh, hi Rafe."

"There it is." I hear from outside.

"Guys, here." Kie throws it out the hole we climbed in as I cover my other ear so I can hear over my friends talking.

"Where are you right now?" He asks.

"Uh, the graveyard?" I answer and hear him laugh.

"What?"

"Yeah, just for funzies." I shrug.

"Uh, alright, I always wondered what you pogues did with your free time."

"Now you know." I giggle, shaking my head as I pace inside the tomb.

"I just wanted to check up on you, also see if you maybe wanted to do lunch or coffee tomorrow?" Rafe asks and I smile, looking at Kie, who's busy talking to the boys through the hole in the wall.

"Yeah, I'd love that. Making Waves?" I ask.

"Would you really want to go to your place of work on a day off?" I put the phone between my ear and tilt my head to hold it on my shoulder while I climb out behind Kie.

"It'll be a nice change of scenery, being there as a customer." I say, hopping down.

"Shit, square groupers!" JJ says suddenly, and I look back as I grab the phone before being pulled behind the tomb to hide.

"Turn off the flashlights!" Kie whispers.

"Okay, I've got to go." I whisper into the phone. "Coffee sounds great. Bye."

"Wait, wait, Snowy what's happening?" I can hear him ask, just before I hang up and a shot rings out.

"Shit!" I say, hanging up the phone just before we take off running towards the fence out of the graveyard. I can feel my phone buzzing in my hand as we sprint to the fence, and JJ helps push me up as the gunshots continue.

We hop over and keep running for our lives towards the Twinkie, stopping when we hear Pope calling for help. I turn and see his shorts are caught on the fence. "Shit.." John B says, and we all start running back.

JJ stops and pushes me back towards the van. "Go to the Twinkie. Snowy- run!" He says, pushing me again gently. I turn back and keep running, grabbing Kie's hand and pulling her with me. We get to the Twinkie and hide inside, peeking out the window and opening the door when we see the boys running towards us, Pope now missing his shorts. Kie and I can't help but laugh, despite having just been shot at.

"Don't you say a fucking word." He says, covering his crotch and adjusting his boxers as he sits down and John B starts the car and we take off.

We're all talking over each other as we drive, trying to comprehend what just happened. I glance out the window as we see an approaching light, and then as a red dirt bike flies past us heading towards the cemetery.

"Guys, guys! John B, stop! Stop the car!" I shout over everyone, and John be slams on the breaks.

"Guys that was Rafe, hold on-" I say, jumping out of the van before it's fully stopped and running back towards the way that Rafe went, waving my arms in the air hoping he sees me in his rear view mirror.

I keep waving until I see him slow to a stop and turn around. When he gets closer, I wave for him to follow us and I jump in the van.

"Drive." I tell John B, as everyone is asking me what I'm doing. "Just drive!" I shout. "The groupers are probably following us we have to get out of here."

"Where am I supposed to go?" John B says as he starts driving.

"Anywhere, hide us! Something!" I say frantically.

I watch Rafe following behind us, hoping the groupers don'r catch up to us, until we turn off on a side street and into some bushes, turning off the lights.

I jump out of the car as soon as we stop, and run up to the road where Rafe is getting off his bike.

"Snowy, what the fuck is going on? I heard gunshots are the phone are you okay?" Rafe asks, rushing over to me.

"I'm fine- we're fine." I explain and he nods, running his hand through his hair and turning around, pacing before turning back to me and giving me a hug, placing his hand on the back of my head.

"You scared the shit out of me. Who was shooting at you?" He asked, moving his head back and holding the sides of my head to look at me.

"They- uhm... it's complicated." I sigh. "Don't worry. We're fine."

He sighs and pulls me closer, hugging me again and stroking my hair.

"Thank you.. for coming to help." I say quietly. I feel him nod, and then rest his chin on my head.

"Any time."

*:･ﾟ✧*:･

A/N; Long ass chapter today- sorry lol -R

[hexonthepeach]

a gentle tongue breaketh the bone | 8: security

pairing: fem hybrid fox omega!reader/hybrid Alpha!nct 127

tags: reverse harem, non-traditional omegaverse hybrid! cyberpunk au, pack dynamics, polyamory, slowburn/slowbuild, angst & hurt/comfort, heavy content warnings inc. torture, graphic violence, suicidal ideation, explicit sexual content

summary: the year is 2127. decades of eugenics and warfare have led to the rise of designated populations: the ruler Alphas and their rare, prized omegas sequestered from the Beta population. in the aftermath of the War of the Two Tigers, New Goryeo ushers in an Imperial dynasty determined not by birthright but by the alliance of the Syndicate’s clancorps to choose the best pack of your generation. you are destined to take your place within the Imperial harem as a queen, and–perhaps–Imperatrix herself

but you have a secret, written into your skin and bones–one that could easily kill you, depending on who finds it out

ten years ago you chose your Alpha and their pack in a fateful meeting

now, you must make them choose you

[masterlist & glossary] [read on AO3] [0: prologue] [1: escape, again] [2: lost and found] [3: returned] [4: bound] [5: home] [6: gift] [7: reunion]

wc: 5k

chapter warnings: a teensy bit of masturbation

recommended listening: lowlife princess - bibi (from here on out, really, this album is the main soundtrack)

Long after the water turns from pink to clear, after you've scrubbed your skin until it's raw, until your fingers pucker from overexposure, you sit against the tile wall of the gym shower and sob without tears.

"Stop crying" wasn't an order you had to take literally from Mark but you'd resigned yourself to it for your own sake. Exhaustion had settled in with the understanding that you'd flown one cell for another. Now your jailers were your pack, tenuously bonded by proxy, doomed to reject you as long as you were shunned by their prime Alpha.

As before, alone and unwanted.

You'll just have to make the best of it, you think. Once this is over you'll find a way to leave. No one will miss you.

"Are you alive in there, Princess?" Haechan asks from the locker-lined entrance, peering around the corner tentatively until he sees you. His eyes grow wide at the sight of you huddled on the floor, tail sucked against the drain in the flow.

"I think she's asleep–"

"I'll handle this." Mark says. You can tell by his pace he's annoyed. 

Black boots enter your view, the water turning off as a towel is dropped on your head unceremoniously. 

"You're clean," Mark says. "C'mon. Get up."

You don't bother to cover yourself, drying your fur first, earning a sharp hiss from the other man as he immediately turns away. 

"There's clothes over there." He points blindly in the direction of the lockers. "Hurry up so we can show you your quarters."

"I have my own room?" you ask, spirits lifting slightly.

"As long as you behave, yeah." He glances over his shoulder to check you're getting dressed, the exposed skin between his collar and short-clipped hair an angry shade of red.

"And if I don't?" you ask, slipping on one of your new, loose shirts. It has the chemical smell of the fabricator and industrial soap but at least there's no trace of blood or cerebrospinal fluid. 

"Well, uh," Mark says, fidgeting. "Don't. I mean do. Otherwise we'll have to put you in Containment."

You ease into his view, no longer naked. He's recovering from the flash of embarrassment, anxiety spiking as you finally meet his green-tinged eyes. Another Felid–like Yuta he has an amalgam of various species and proximity scents that has you more confused than ever. You lean in to sniff at him, making him jerk back automatically with a hand on his holster.

"Stay back," he says, his boyish face going stony. "I'd rather not smell like you."

You dip your head apologetically but you can't help but feel a wave of satisfaction. 

"What kind of Felid are you?"

"That's none of your business," he says, tone offended.

"Tiger, probably, if he ever presented." Haechan's voice grows louder as he finally braves the room. "He's Fourth's kid."

"A prince?" you ask, excitedly. 

"Don't call me that." Mark shakes his head. 

"He's sensitive about it," Haechan says, collecting the clothes you've discarded and bagging them with a look of amused disgust. "We don't exactly have standing in our clan."

"Leave those, we'll incinerate them later." Mark says impatiently.

"Our clan? You're a cousin, too?" 

"Can’t you tell the family resemblance?" Haechan is much less reluctant to come close to you, tossing new slippers on the floor and holding you as you put them on. He smells warm and safe, in contrast to the fresh-cut green wood of Mark's signature. 

"It's nice to have family to watch over me," you say, rubbing your cheek against his jacket. "I never got to meet anyone outside of my female cousins."

Haechan goes still, reacting to the obvious way you rest your damp head against his shoulder. 

"Come on," Mark says, pulling you away. "We'll give you the tour." 

The large collective bathroom is adjacent to a gym facility that's closed down, lights off–all sorts of fascinating scents buried under cleaning solvents and the chlorine of what you assume is a pool. You let them lead you up the next few floors, walkways connecting rows of hermetic doors on either side of the atrium. Even more plant-boxes line the metal and glass railings, vines dripping down illuminated by soft, blue emergency lighting.

"Upper floors are for the seniors, except for Taeil since he's not a fan of heights," Mark says, pointing to the third level. "You know where to find him."

"Medical," you affirm.

"You'll stay in the guest quarters. Here," he says, hand tapping out a code on the touchscreen. The air inside is stale, but clean, the interior lighting fading in to reveal a sparsely decorated pod with a view of the mist-swallowed city through the dark windows. There's a small bathroom and even a tiny kitchen station.

"This used to be the floor for staff to stay overnight. Usually recruits stay here," Haechan explains. "Executive suites are upstairs, we get to pretend to be the help."

"We are the help," Mark says, wryly, checking the hot water dispenser.

"At your service." Haechan flops onto the lower of two wall-bound bunks, grabbing a remote from an inside ledge to activate the projection wall. You catalog his gestures as he swipes through a few environments, eventually pulling up a tranquil forest scene keyed to the late night hour, the soundscape of trees in a light breeze melded with peeper frogs and the distant hoot of an owl.

"This always helps me sleep," he says, sitting up and grinning at you lazily.

"Your stuff is in the closet. Get settled, relax, whatever," Mark says, heading for the door.

"You're not staying?" you ask.

He responds with a dark laugh. "No."

"Please don't leave," you plead, more to Haechan than the other man, but one glance at his partner's face has him up and away from your beckoning. 

"Sweet dreams, Princess," he says, sneaking a peck on your forehead as he breezes past. "We'll see you in the morning."

"Please–" you say, but you're cut off by the door hissing shut, the interior indicator light flashing red when it's locked from the other side. 

Of course they wouldn't let you roam free. You kick the metal slab in frustration, pacing the small room until your breathing can even out. Claustrophobia isn't a problem for you but the fox is on alert, needing to work out an escape to put her at ease.

You settle on the screen wall, finding the controls for the Betafax channel guide within a few swipes of the ancient interface. Soon the comforting quiet is replaced by the loud, frenetic noise of several channels at once, advertisements flashing between news feeds and celebrity gossip reports. 

You leave it on as you explore the NeoTech building intranet, well accustomed to digging through local networks from hacking into non-approved feeds in the Dome. There aren't any AR or VR headsets in the room so you make do with pulling up a console on the wall, occasionally distracted by the Betasoap melo playing above you.

Whoever had upgraded the security settings for these headquarters had neglected to shut off root access from your room. You easily bypass the login to the directory, satisfied when you find the list of numbers you think might be internal IDs and room assignments, active and inactive flags showing who's available.

You take a chance on a random active number, surprised when it goes through. 

At first all you get on the video feed is a pale swath of torso, tattoos disappearing into a low slung towel. Then you see the recipient's face as he picks up his agent, surprise blending into barely-disguised contempt.

"Our date that memorable?" Yuta asks. "How did you get on this line?' 

"I was bored," you say, shrugging. He isn't your first choice after the incident earlier but at least he hasn't hung up on you.

'And you want me to entertain you?" He laughs, turning off the video feed. "I'm not on shift again until tomorrow."

"I thought it might be nice to just talk," you say. "I didn't get a chance to thank you for saving me earlier."

There's a pause on the other end, the rustle of fabric like he's either getting dressed or lying down. 

"I used you, pretty girl. Doesn't that bother you?" 

"Should it?" you ask, adjusting in your own screen to lean back, legs crossed beneath you. "I was scared, but only for a little bit." 

"You should be more afraid." Yuta sighs. "You'll get eaten alive out here if you don't look out for yourself."

"Can you teach me?" you ask. 

“Teach you how to be scared?”

“To look out for myself.”

He laughs again, a little more cruelly. "You can't afford me."

"Maybe we could come to a mutually beneficial agreement?" You tilt your head at where you believe the photoreceptors on the screen are focused, under your own image. "We help each other?"

You trace a hand down your chest, settling on the curves beneath as you think of touching what you saw of his. It would be so nice to feel that warm skin under your palm, muscles moving with each of the breaths you can hear coming out of the speakers, tighter and more frequent.

"What makes you think you have something I want?"

"I could help you land more bounties," you say. "Use me as bait to find ferals."

That seems to catch him by surprise, as if he expected you to say something else. 

"You have a bit of a death wish, don't you."

"I thought Nyctos was the best. You wouldn't have taken me out if you were worried you couldn't handle it." 

Your flattery only seems to carry so far. 

"I've heard omegas get dumb when they're in heat but I think you might be operating on a deficiency."

The insult doesn't phase you. You're well aware of the loosened grip on your self-control and critical thinking skills. You affect a little pout.

"I'm not unintelligent," you say. "I just want to be useful."

"Is it exciting for you?" Yuta asks, carefully. "Knowing you have that effect on us?" 

Your ears swivel back. "It's not like I have a choice." 

You can hear the smile shaping his words when he responds. "I think you're even better at lying to yourself than you are to the others." 

You shake your head, but the gesture is lame as your mind races. "I'm not excited."

"You could have brought every one of us in this building to you with how turned on you were. Covered in another Alpha's brains, and still getting slick. I think you want more."

You flinch a little at the graphic memory from earlier, your animal brain dismissing the details as just another facet of a brutal existence. But Yuta is right in one thing–your desire had only ramped with the taste of violence. 

Johnny's claws in your throat had sealed it. Even out of jimseung's throes you're consumed with the thought of a different outcome of that meeting–him taking you in front of them all before letting anyone else have a taste. 

Your fingers curl into your thighs, bunching in the thin fabric of your leggings.

"Look at the pure little princess touching herself at the thought of Alphas tearing each other apart for her." He's mocking you but your hands are dangerously close to your core, afraid of how damp you'll find your fresh clothes. It would be so much nicer to not have to wear them at all–

You hone in on the vulgar sound of skin-on-skin and immediately feel a wave of shame, still colored bright by your arousal.

"Turn the camera on," you say. 

"I don't think you'll like it," Yuta says, breath catching.

"Try me." You say, leaning closer.

You don't expect him to oblige but he thumbs the screen on, hand raised over his head to afford you a view from above, arm lazily moving out of frame. It's your turn to be breathless, fingers poised over the image of his twitching torso and dark nipples, meeting his hooded gaze through the digital connection.

"You like knowing what you do to us?" he asks, voice thick with something sinister. "You want more?"

Of course you do.

"You're sick," you say. 

You hang up the call with a hard slap of a palm through the raised interface to the wall behind it, making it flicker. 

You feel hot and gluey and entirely too turned on to be tempered by revulsion, your fox disappointed at being denied the show. 

A few minutes later messages begin appearing on the wall, pulsing a soft green. You half expect a vid feed attachment when you open the notification but the screen is blessedly all text–a system message letting you know you've been granted a NeoLink account.

A few installs begin automatically, pushing suggested applications to your virtual console. 

There's a music repository as well as a backlog of recorded streams, and–even more intriguing–an arcade offering various games and gambling simulators on the local intranet. You'll have to ask for a VR headset and haptics but already you feel a rush of joy at the increase in access.

Buried in the communications is a personal message from user [nayuta1026]

>>> have fun, don't break anything. added your cut to a bankchip. don't spend it all at once. 

>>> be good and i'll show you more ways to entertain yourself tomorrow. 

>>> p.s. the kids like to play crashrunner. if you ask nicely Woo should have a spare vr kit

You paw through the new options to find your chip account, eyes going round at the amount of 00s attached to the leading number. Only 10% of the bounty, pocket change by Dome standards, but it's the first money you've earned and yet another gift, now that the bar for judging such things is in the floor.

After a few minutes of deliberation and a change of clothing you respond with a seconds-long clip of yourself blowing a kiss to the camera. It takes a few tries to get right, mimicking the way you’d seen your cousin coquettishly respond on her groomed social media. You lack the same easy manner so you barely smile, letting your natural suspicion bloom through.

<<< i knew i could trust you, you type back before hitting send.

You receive your response, almost instantaneously:

>>> maybe we'll talk through your offer when your brain returns to that empty little head of yours

>>> if you have one, of course

Jungwoo doesn't respond to your coy messages about a VR, unread from all indications, but you manage to get through to Haechan a few hours later. You widen the screen so he takes up most of the wall, revealing details you'd previously skipped over: the constellation of freckles and moles on his sun-touched skin, the dark circles under his eyes.

"What's up, Princess?" He yawns at you, rubbing his face as he exchanges much more advanced wired headgear for a flat pair of AR glasses. 

"Can't sleep," you say. It's not a lie but you really have done nothing to attempt it, scrolling through feed after feed of deliverables on the shopping networks. You'd found yourself much more stingy with your windfall, caution written into every fiber after a decade of planning your flight.

“You need me to sing you a lullaby?” he jokes, leaning back in his chair. 

“No one’s ever done that for me,” you say. 

"Poor baby." There's a hint of genuine sympathy, there, but mostly sarcasm. "Too bad I don't know any. I could send you some music. Maybe an audioread? Something boring?"

"I just don't want to be alone," you say. It's true. You feel adrift in your little room, so high above the world. 

"You're not right now," he hums. "Well I need to stay awake until 0600. You want to talk?"

"Yeah," you say, settling down into your scratchy sheets. "Tell me about how you ended up here."

"Aish," he swears under his breath, fiddling with something on his desk. "That's not gonna put you to sleep."

"Please."

"Well. Okay. I'm from the South. Grew up on one of the naval islands. Lesser branch, military kid. You know how that is, right?"

"Mmmhmm," you say. "Like that one melo, Sun on the Sea?"

"Wow, they have melos in the Dome?" he asks.

"There's ways to watch them," you say, feeling pleased with yourself.

"Yeah. Well, not as interesting as that. Or at least not as happy an ending. Both my parents were drafted into the Second army. Taeyong's dad, you know. That was all I really knew growing up, with my siblings. Dad was culled in combat and my mom stayed on–she was a medic. Lost her a month before the Peace."

"I'm sorry," you say, quietly.

"It's fine." He lies, face hollowed out by the light of his screen. "A lot of us are war orphans, you know."

"My dad went MIA when I was very young," you affirm. "I don't even remember what he looked like."

"You don't have a picture?"

You shake your head. "He was nobody, a beta guard who worked in the Palace."

All you can remember of the man are impressions. Every time you looked in the mirror you saw more of him than her, as if he'd given you the gift of freedom from that cursed line in your inception.

"I guess my mother wanted something different. They ran off when she got pregnant with my brother," you explain.

"Talk about a melo. Being a princess isn't like in the stories, is it?" He laughs morosely.

"No," you say. "It's horrible. I never wanted to be anything like that."

"If it's any consolation, you don't seem like one." You realize he's joking when you look up to see his lips quirked in a smile. 

"What did you expect?" you ask, kicking the topsheet off and letting your leg dangle over the edge of the bed.

"I've never been good at manners, either." He shrugs. "You're a little crazy, but you're nice."

"I take offense to that," you mutter. "I didn't ask to . . . you know."

That unspoken devil is in the room with you, teeth gleaming as it waits to strike. Your gut twists, remembering why you're here and they're out there. You wish it didn't have to be this way.

“Do you feel sick?" He leans in as if to get a closer look through the screen. 

"Yeah." No one had asked you how you were feeling in a while. Even Taeil had treated the question as an afterthought, instead monitoring your vitals directly. "Like I have a mild fever. Uncomfortable. Itchy. Can't tell if I'm hot or if I'm cold."

"No pain, right?" 

You hesitate to say yes. He's just a kid, he can't be much older than you. Your fox wants to whine and plead for him to come and soothe you but you feel like it would be a violation of the tenuous trust you've earned from him and the kindness he's shown you in the last few days. Even after the confrontation earlier he'd been back to the person you'd fixated on since your arrival.

You needed someone in your corner who seemed to actually like you. Someone you could trust.

"Can I ask a favor?" you ask.

It takes him a bit to answer, obviously scared of what you'll request. 

"Yeah. Sure," he says. "Just not–"

"Can you teach me how to play that game you like? Crash-something?"

There's an explosive sound over the speakers as he laughs in relief. 

"Crashrunner? Oh geez. Of course. Do you have a VR?"

"No. Maybe you could just share your feed? Walk me through?"

He seems almost giddy as he dons his headset, sending you an invitation to open another channel. The game screen replaces his face, illegible to you in the many action bars and windows, an in-game chat revealing a constantly scrolling feed of chatter, some translated from other languages in real time. 

"Never thought I'd be teaching the future Imperatrix how to play a battle simulator," he says aloud. The fact that his voice remains is a comfort to you as you try to parse the action, watching a third-person perspective of an avatar in a strange costume navigating an alien countryside.

"Just think of me as a friend," you say.

"Okay. Well. Never thought I'd be teaching a girl how to play a battle simulator," he corrects. "First things first–this is an open world massive multiplayer with instances for organized strategy . . . "

You're out within minutes.

You're back in the conservatory, somehow, in the pond–lilypads brushing your cheeks, sludge between your toes. The fabric of your nightshirt clings to you, hotter than you expected. Nothing can survive in this environment at this temperature, surely. You have to find a way to cool it down–to cool yourself down. 

Something moves across the edge of your vision, startling you into turning over, feet somehow no longer hitting the bottom but kicking uselessly.

The room is a forest, the lake beneath you deep and dark, as something stalks you from the tree branches intertwined overhead.

"I'm willing," you say aloud. "Just do it."

He slides into the water, curling you into his embrace, whiskers kissing away the beads of sweat on your temple. He’s more cat than anything, fur at every point of contact, tail entangling with your own in the water. You want him, you think–not smooth, unbroken skin but the gamey scent of a carnivore, your desire to be consumed overriding the ancient fear of being subdued with his teeth crushing your spinal column and windpipe. 

Your belly is on fire, grasping in the shallows for any contact that isn’t slippery and impossible to hold. You want to consume him, too.

“Just do it,” you repeat.

Arms around you, a face in your neck. You feel the dent of canines and the slow broach of the dermis as he bites in, lapping blood before it can drip into the water. He's gentle and silent, besides the rumbling of thunder somewhere–from the sky, or him, or maybe the water swallowing you when you begin to sink in, already drained and useless.

"You asked me to," he says. 

"____."

A pair of bright almond eyes peer at you from the edge of the mattress, tousled bleached hair burnt orange in the morning light. Dog, you think. No–almost fox but not quite. His scent is playful and bright, like a plucked dandelion.    

"Jungwoo," you say, recognizing him. "I think something is wrong."

He reaches across the bunk, long and slender arm holding you to the pillow as he checks your temperature with the back of his hand.

"Yep." His smile is hidden, an eyebrow quirked as he scans the rest of you, tangled in the sheets. "You're a goner."

You roll over groggily, head pounding with the movement. "Go away."

"Really?" If you didn't know better you'd think he was truly dismayed. "You sure you don't want help?"

"'M fine," you say, collapsing back into the pillow, tail curling around you. 

He tugs it free of the swaddle of sheets, using it to tickle your face until you swat him away. 

"And here I thought you'd be happy to see me." He exhales dramatically. "Brought you breakfast, and everything."

You push yourself up, immediately wincing at the ache in your limbs–an embarrassing frailty when you realize what's throbbing the most is between your legs, radiating through your belly and down your thighs. Somehow you'd removed your leggings in your slumber, now nowhere to be found.

Shyness creeps in as you pull a blanket over your lap. 

"I thought you were watching me in pairs," you say, looking over his shoulder to find the room empty. In the place of another person is a stack of plastic boxes and bags on a handcart, so tightly packed to fit you think it might be held together by prayer.

He ignores your question, turning his attention to unloading a foil bag that fills the room with a mouthwatering scent. Containers are laid out on the pullout table that serves as a desk, his efforts just as neat and efficient as his easy appearance. 

You make your way down, still wrapped in the irritating blanket as a barrier, sweat soaking in.

"You did some shopping last night," he muses, eyes darting between the pile and you. "Nesting?"

Your nose wrinkles in distaste. "No. Certainly not here."

"Where would you like, then?" he asks. "Should I set them up in Johnny's room?"

You freeze, glaring at his long back. 

"I don't even know where that is," you say, quickly, "I don't want to know."

"Are you sure? Saw you poking around in the directory last night."

"Your security is dismal," you deflect, cheeks hot. 

"Or maybe I let you in." He turns to smile at you without baring his teeth, plush lips curved. "You can thank me for setting you up with a NeoLink, too. Not a bad distraction, right?"

"I would if it didn't mean I'm under surveillance. Were you a Dome censor in your last life?"

"Not exactly," he says, hands suddenly on your shoulders to push you into one of the two chairs, wheeling you to your spread. "Eat, you'll need your strength."

You want to protest but the smell rising from the nearest container has your eyes crossing in unrealized pleasure. You dig into the steamed eggs and the accompanying red rice dish with gusto, coughing at the spice and drinking from a canteen of cold water you find beside it.

"What are you doing?" you ask, once your eyes are no longer streaming tears. 

"Helping you prepare," he says, lightly, running a utility knife across another layer of tape. "What do we have here?"

"Don't–" you protest through a full mouth, hand flying up to cover your lips as you swallow.

"Oh don't worry," he says. "Standard protocol to check your purchases before we let them pass through."

You watch him unwrap the item from layers of plastic, your eyes going wide with shock. 

"I didn't order that," you say.

"I know," Jungwoo says, hefting the object in his hand like it's a weapon he can use to bludgeon someone to death with. "I did."

You're out of your seat in an instant, ducking into the bathroom and closing the door with a hand wave over the interior screen. You lock it for good measure, as you turn on the sink and then the shower to muffle the horrible noise that comes out of you instead of a scream. 

After a few minutes your fur is no longer standing on end, dampened by the steam in the room. You set the temperature lower, dunking yourself in cold fully dressed, finally prompted to remove your shirt and scrub yourself with soap from the wall dispenser when gooseflesh covers your limbs.

Once you're out you feel mildly better, only disturbed by the soft chimes emitting from the responsive mirror as notifications are pushed to it. 

You tap the screen to read Jungwoo's messages, hearing his soft voice in the text and shuddering a little at the memory of him standing over you with the thing in his hand.

>>> don't worry little one

>>> just a precaution. you might find it useful 

>>> I also got you an agent :-)

>>> and a VR

>>> you should finish your breakfast

>>> go to medical

>>> taeil can give you some pointers 

>>> just don't ask him for a demonstration

>>> (you'll want to ring me for that)

>>> i'll keep an eye on you from a safe distance ;-)  

You don't bother responding. Instead you go to root access to check the flags on the internal IDs, already memorized in your mind, checking the building map.

You breathe a sigh of relief to find Jungwoo is no longer in your room, not even on this level, it seems–somewhere on the third floor above you and heading away. It could be a trick, you think, but animal instinct and your sharp hearing register nothing outside the sound and scent-proofed door and walls. 

You emerge, carefully, hand over the door lock–surprisingly unkeyed–just in case. The room is vacated, your purchases neatly piled on the lower bunk, food long cold. 

And there, on your chair–next to a VR headset and an elegant watch-styled personal agent–is the offending device. It’s been tied neatly with a bow around it like it's a luxury good. 

Your first instinct is to throw it out of the room, hopefully pitched far enough that it clears the walkway to disappear into the floors below. But that would mean someone else would find it, the embarrassment already making you cringe. 

Instead you pick up the offending object and give it a curious sniff. Synthetic, newly fabricated–roped with veins and texture you can only recognize from illustrated references. It feels like it gets warm under your touch, firm and even firmer when you squeeze the thick shaft. 

To your ever-growing horror you realize it's equipped with some kind of internal machinery, the thick replica of a rippling scrotum disguising a battery pack and cabling absolutely unnecessary for a standard device. 

Of course, you think, thumbing the added thickness molded near its base. Alphas were in higher supply but so was the demand for the experience with them–something most of the population could only imagine without access to their interest.

You can't imagine taking the thing inside your body, much less the knot. Even deflated it seems impossible and painful. But a part of you, still flushed and tantalized by the prospect of your first heat, knows it wants it. 

No–it needs it.

Tears stream down your cheeks as you hide the proxy under the pillow of the lower bunk. You change your mind to stick it under the mattress pad, again dissatisfied with the telltale lump. You bury it in your closet, instead, under your emptied rucksack and a pile of shopping bags. 

No longer visible, it looms larger in your mind–too much and yet, not enough. 

You have to go to Medical.

[previous] [next]

[gfdatingsim]

HOO you don't have to respond to this bc I'm gonna RAMBLE but I just wanted to say thank you so much for making this game. I remember when it first came out years ago, I love dating sims, but I had never seen Gravity Falls before. I thought "aw man, if I play this, a bunch of references will probably go over my head huh" so I decided to actually sit and watch GF, I binged it and managed to finish the whole series in about two or three days. I wouldn't have taken initiative to watch the show at *all* if it wasn't for this dating sim, but I sincerely love visual novels more than anything else in the world, and I am so glad I watched the show. I really enjoyed it. Now, years have passed, I decided that I wanted to replay this dating sim again today, but it'd been years since I'd played or even watched the show and I didn't remember much of anything at all, so I rewatched again and fell in love like the first time. I'm pretty sure I sped through the episodes in less than five days this week because I was so so so excited to play this game again. I smiled SO big when I heard the music after opening the title screen. Felt like coming home.

I can tell a lot of love was put into this game. I've tried making dating sims before, just personal ones for my own self indulgence with my OCs and such, and like... dude, it's so hard! Making games is hard!!! Pushing yourself to actually finish a game is hard! Not to mention coding, that's like a whole other can of worms more tempting to never open. So the fact that you finished this game is impressive just in itself! Not only does your game seem so in-character, making it so easy to read everything in the character voices, but it's got such expressive sprites!! I cannot tell you how many otomes I've played where the sprites are just one plain expression with maybe 3 different eyebrow angles and just a switch between a smile and a frown. But your sprites really move!! The body language!! Oh my god. The way the sprites are colored to fit the setting. Like their coloring is darker if they're outside, and even tinted red in the sunset backgrounds. I literally just sat and stared at the screen when that first transition into nighttime happened and you see the characters matching. I was so impressed. Even Stan's hands in his pockets change when he bunches his shoulders forward ever so slightly. The attention to detail is amazing. The outfit changes too!!! Ahh!!! :D

The illustrations. Wow. Just.. man, please let me ramble about the CGs, they're gorgeous. The brush strokes look so so so soft and the fact that so much time was put even into the backgrounds... lineless and so clean... every few minutes I take the time to just stare at the artwork. I rarely draw backgrounds because I find it so difficult, and anyone who has the patience to make backgrounds and also paint is really admirable to me. I'm so blown away by the art in this game. The illustrations are magnificent. There is genuine fondness and joy in their eyes in each drawing and it's so pretty to just [parks and rec voice] this is beautiful, I've been staring at these for 5 hours now

I'm so happy to have found a fan-made dating sim who is not only true to the characters, but also slowburn. It feels real, making a genuine connection with these characters at a steady pace, not rushing into things. And maybe this is just because I'm ace, but agh, I can't tell you how refreshing it is to play a game where I don't have to do anything raunchy to get a good ending... like, I've played so many dating sims, it's one of my favorite things to do, but it's always a little bit disheartening to only get a good ending if you do something sexual, from the perspective of a person who. well. isn't! And when I replayed this game today, I remembered "oh yeah... I don't have to worry about that sort of thing" and it also makes me feel more lovable because... well. ahh this might sound dumb but it made me feel like these two would really truly love me, not just despite me being ace, but maybe even *because* of it? It was so refreshing, I'm sorry I'm not the best with putting things into words but I hope I was able to phrase it clear enough to state: I am really, really grateful that this game is made the way that it is, that someone like me is able to play it without any worries. A huge lift off of my shoulders. I can't tell you how many otomes I've played where I've gotten a bad ending or a neutral ending just bc I didn't sleep with someone. Playing this and just having pure fluff and kisses (with a bit of the steamy makeouts on Stan's route? heehee) Hoooo, that was perfect, that was just perfect.

This message is getting so long fjdhkfh I'm sorry I was gonna ramble more about how much I love the game like, the dates, how the dates are very fun to play bc there's such a variety of things to do that makes you feel like you're really in Gravity Falls, and I love how you get to interact with many more characters on the side without it distracting from the main storyline, like interacting with Dipper and Mabel and even Dan and Susan, things like that! I love the little mini games like boxing and playing dungeons, I love that you have to really work hard to get the perfect endings and that Ford takes a little more time to open up about his feelings - hell, I love the little detail that you have to encrypt the codes to get their walkthroughs!! That's such a cute little touch! This whole thing couldn't be more perfect. I adore everything about this game, it's very dear to my heart. You've all put so much love into it, I don't think there's any other fan-made games out there for any other fandoms I'm in, at least to my knowledge, that are so well put together. It's one of my favorite things and I love replaying it at least once a year. Thank you for making me feel like these characters would love me, it helped me through a tough time lately, I've been in and out of the hospital for a few months and this game gave me some much needed comfort today. I hope everyone who worked on this game is doing well right now. And know that there is some random person out there on this planet under the same sky as you, who is always going to cherish the love put into this game, forever, always gonna have a special place in my heart for it and I am so thankful it exists 🥰💙

i love that you noticed so many details about the game!

reading this felt like looking into a mirror a couple times--i've had a similar experience with vns/dating sims, though for me i gave in and stopped playing them bc it felt like while i loved the genre, it never loved me. i've felt those thoughts and worries myself, so i'm really glad you can just relax with this one!!

thank you so much for sending this in :') i hope you're doing well right now too!

[danganronpa-ship-tourney]

Okay I get where you're coming from with saiouma actually! It's gotten the, what's it called, "migrating slash fandom" treatment? People like it because of the tropes they can put onto the characters more than what they could actually do if they played with what the characters actually had going on. Which I get, I used to do it too! If you're new to fandom and shipping you have a specific idea you like and you just want to slap cute boys onto it sure, but it kind of ruins it for everyone else when it's a particularly popular ship for it.

I used to think saiouma was a cute ship, but I'd only read a fic for them if it was at minimum 10-15k and I could see at least 3 or 4 different tags relating to angst and actual issues happening rather than all the fluff floating around choking out anything of substance.

It's honestly why I've wandered away over to oumota, the fans over there seem to be slightly, slightly better about keeping them in character and using what the game gave us to make some beautiful slowburns

So yeah. Agreed that saiouma sucks but it's more the fans' faults than a fault of the ship itself I think. There's potential if people bothered to try and them not trying ruined it for everyone else

-🐻‍❄️

Youre absolutely not wrong, there have been some fics I REALLY like with the pairing, if it wasnt for its popularity i would probably be a lot more neutral but as someone who fucking FIXATED on Kokichi it's become such a negative initial reaction whenever i see it because I love Kokichi content with SO MANY OTHER CHARACTERS and i RARELY EVER GET IT

[bestsincedayone]

Randy/Nattie for the ship meme

send "💕" + a ship for me to fill out this. . .

combining this ship meme [ x ] with this ship meme [ x ]

FIRST DETAILS.

How did they meet? through the business, of course.

Who flirted with who first? randy probably. he's a natural flirt.

Was it love at first sight or a slowburn romance? very slow. obnoxiously slow. like over ten years in the making kind of slowburn romance.

Did they start dating right away or were they friends before things became romantic? friends but that's because they were in other relationships.

What was their first date? lowkey, i see them never really having an official first date. like they'd been friends for so long and hung out so much that it's hard to tell what was the first date and what was just them hanging out.

Who kissed who first? randy probably kissed her.

Who started the relationship? randy perhaps?

NEXT STEPS & HARDSHIPS.

Monogamy or Polyamory? Monogamy.

Are they/do they plan on getting married? I would imagine they will.

Who proposed? Was it a yes or no? No one has yet. It could be Randy but it could also not be. Who knows. Either way it's probably gonna be a yes.

Do they want kids? Who brought it up first? ... honestly, no idea. I don't even know if Nattie irl wants kids. It might be Randy since he's an old man who might need his cords cut soon. snip snip.

Do they already have kids, together or from previous relationships? randy has kids. nattie has cats. they are not equal.

How often do they fight? What about? not too often but let's not act like they're going to be perfect. i could see them fighting about like her maybe adopting more cats without talking to him. then she shoves it in his face and is like i like it.

Have they ever broken up? nah. they haven't.

Messy breakup, amicable split, remain friends, ride or die or til death do us part? if they ever did break up, i could see them still remaining friends.

SEX.

In the bedroom - Vanilla, a little spice, or kinky af? a little bit of all three.

For applicable ships - who tops/bottoms? randy tops and nattie bottoms.

For applicable ships - who is more dominant/submissive? i'd say randy is mostly the dominant one but i also won't act like he'd give her the reins.

What is their favorite sex position? oh man. tbh, anything that lets randy grab her breasts. i see how he is with kim and he's a breast guy sooooo yeah.

Do either of them enjoy bringing sex toys into the bedroom? i'm gonna say yeah. they aren't too crazy about toys but they have their fun with them.

Favorite place to have sex? their bed. there's a lot of times when one or both aren't home so it's not like they are in it every single night like your average couple.

Most adventurous place they’ve had sex? quickie backstage probably.

Do they do anything else in the bath/shower other than wash? How often? they have but it's not much. they'll touch and tease in the shower. maybe put their hands to work. but i don't see them doing it too often/

What are some of their favorite things about their partner sexually? for randy, i'd say one of his favorite things is her submissiveness. randy would probably go on record of saying how nattie is one of the strongest-willed people he knows so to take someone like that and control them? oof.

TOGETHER.

Do they have any routines/rituals in their relationship? they always make it a point to leave the house when nattie gets home from being on the road. he's stuck at home a lot so she wants to get him out of the house. even if it's just for a walk.

How do they take care of each other when they are sick/hurt? nattie has been captain of this lately. she's been doing her best not to let him push himself too much. the last thing he needs is to hurt himself.

Who is the better dancer? both kind of suck but randy is slightly better.

How do they like to spend time together? doing stuff that makes the other happy. both love seeing the other with a smile on their face.

What are their favorite non-sexual forms of intimacy? swimming together. yeah, okay, part of it does come to randy liking the view but it's relaxing and calming. especially when they do it at night with some beer and music.

What are some of their favorite things about their partner? randy's favorite includes her determination to better herself and everyone around her. so many people lookk up to nattie and he loves that. hell, even he looks up to her in certain aspects because she's on average a lot better of a person than him.

How do they comfort the other when they are upset? they'd put on their favorite shows, buy them their favorite meals. i also feel nattie doesn't love that he does it but she doesn't question if he feels like he needs to step aside and smoke because she knows it's comforting in a way.

Who buys the other spontaneous gifts? Nattie more than Randy.

What position do they sleep in? They probably sleep apart but once both wake up, they cuddle until they're ready to get out of bed.

Do they bathe/shower together? sometimes. at least once a week.

What are their favorite things to do on date nights? turn their phones off and spend a date night eating dinner, maybe going to the movies, etc.

Do they still go on dates after being together for a while? yeah.

What is their love language? the two that stand out the most might be quality time and physical touch. that could change when he returns or she retires.

Who’s a cat person and who’s a dog person? nattie is a cat, randy is either.

Who likes the outdoors more and who likes the indoors more? both are similar in that they like contained outdoors? like they like being in their backyard, pool etc.

Who’s more social? nattie

Who makes the bed every morning? nattie

Who likes to keep the house cold and who likes to keep the house warm? both are a little bit in-between. never too cold but not too hot.

Who takes longer getting ready? nattie.

Who likes scary movies and who likes funny ones? randy is scary and nattie is funny

Who screams when they see a bug and who ends up killing it? neither would scream but i guess it depends on the type of bug.

Who is more technology challenged? both in a way. nattie could run circles around randy when it comes to social media apps and phones but randy would school nattie in like video games and computers

Who would be more likely to burn something in the oven? randy

Who talks in their sleep? randy

Who leaves the cap off the toothpaste? neither

Who likes getting dressed up more? nattie

Who’s better at tying ties? randy

Who recorded the answering machine message on the house phone? nattie

Who’s better at planning romantic things? both are.

Who takes up more space in the closet? nattie

Who has more of a sweet tooth? randy

Who drinks more often? randy

Who is most likely to laugh during a serious situation? randy. he's a child.

[thetaoofbetty]

I think at this point the writers will just keep pushing the bh ba love triangle bcs thats the only thing that give them engagement, so do you think ba could last until s7?

have they really ever pushed it as a triangle tho? i'm not really one for too many fandom conspiracy theories tbh so i'm not going to give the writers motivations that they themselves haven't been caught outright doing or admitted to but i will say roberto has teased a triangle multiple times and has yet to actually deliver.

if they actually do their version of one, i don't even think it would qualify as a real one in the end. this show doesn't do slowburns (sorry, b/as, what you're getting is not even in the actual realm of a real slow burn. it's more of a dramatic carrot used as a plot device bait which is why people roll their eyes when it's deployed seasonally) which i think people forget because of the 180 they did at the end of s5 and the long ass hiatuses since 2020.

is it possible they're going to do a triangle? sure. i can 100% see the set up for one (and i'm sure if they do one, tabitha will be as important to it as she was in the 100th...) and it's true that a triangle with 2 guys/1 girl (do not make the joke, don't make it, do not do it) is usually far more palatable for viewers than the other way around but my expectations on it are pretty low. now, the fact that they got veronica out of by way of her own choice has me believing it's slightly more possible than i would otherwise and that they're very obviously setting up a plot arc with the 3 of them makes me think if they're doing it, that it was actually maybe planned in advance and has me side-eyeing but again, we'll see.

the thing about b/archie is that they have a very specific way they treat them that almost makes me curious to see how they're going to handle it this time. they usually get what? an episode or 2 of focus before their separate plots have them barely sharing the screen and then they rarely talk. they've sexualized them almost to the point of parody since they're not writing them with any real intimacy. even when they had the chance to do it over s5 and in the event, they followed their own formula of paying the ship dust.

now, putting bughead back together onscreen with archie as an added sticking point can either be really smart (these characters never deal with anything until it blows up—and using bughead as a bomb with archie as a match is what should happen with them having a plot with the 3 of them) or they know enough to know that they need betty and jughead working together, at minimum, to maintain any sort of semblance of their own mystery plots moving forward. especially since they're giving archie his own brand new hiram (which has varchie plot vibes written all over it) and they've kept the tbk behind for betty—and we know who is going to be helping her with that.

i'm not saying they're going to do it well but i am saying that if you took out the last couple eps of s5 and only watched the 100th after being told that these new couples are dating, it feels like an extension of s5 into 6 with the same trajectory and i've never changed my mind on the predictability of what's going to happen eventually. that being said, if it were any other show i'd say that sure, b/a could go to s7 but riverdale doesn't even write them like they like them so if they go on longer past mid-season, them being written like varchie sometimes is/was when they're in their own plots instead of bughead feels more likely than not (and by that i mean that they might be "together" but will they share scenes unless it's needed? if betty is working on a mystery and archie is working on some town related thing, i'd vote probably not).

although, i think the most interesting thing about all of it is how it's definitely always felt more like it was a thing between betty/jughead/archie vs veronica/betty/archie and maybe they'll finally let it come full circle. that there are swaths of people in this fandom as a whole doesn't see the comic aspects they've brought in while also whining about the comic canon is...hilarious to me.

[anghraine]

if you dont mind me asking, how would you handle faramir and eowyn in this au? i'd love to hear your take on it :)

I don’t mind at all, though my answer is going to be all over the place.

I still haven’t decided if it’s Faramir/Éowyn, with their relationship intensifying each time their paths cross, until they get together at end of the war (I love them!), or slowburn Faramir/Aragorn (my I-know-almost-nobody-ships-it-but-I-DO pairing). But, assuming Faramir/Éowyn:

- Operating on the assumption that the circumstances are part of the reason that Faramir and Éowyn fall so fast in canon, it takes more time in the AU. They’re intrigued by each other when Faramir passes through on his way to Rivendell, and he’s sorry for her insofar as he understands her circumstances, but that understanding is limited by how fleeting the encounter is. He doesn’t leave as powerful an impression as Aragorn sometimes does (as when A meets Éowyn in the book), so while they’re impressed on both sides, it’s not infatuation.

- Assuming Faramir joins Aragorn, Gimli, and Legolas in the hunt for Merry and Pippin (I can go either way on whether he would), they have more protracted encounters in Rohan. I can see Aragorn overshadowing Faramir, and Éowyn’s infatuation proceeding per canon, but I can also see it being weakened or eliminated by forming a real friendship-with-undercurrents with Faramir at that point. 

I think Faramir falls for her then, regardless, but he a) doesn’t have much to offer her in pragmatic terms, esp as he’s probably come around to accepting Aragorn’s claim at this point, and b) he’s deeply worried about what’s happening in Gondor and restless about having been away so long, so he follows Aragorn’s party on the Paths of the Dead. Éowyn either makes her canonical appeal to Aragorn, or instead makes it to Faramir, which is much more wrenching for him than for Aragorn. 

His sense of duty and principle demands that he return to Gondor, while she’s slated to stay in Rohan, but also, he’s deeply in love with her. Tentatively, I’m imagining that he confesses his love to her and insists he’ll return for her if he survives, they swear their troth, and he heads off. Éowyn’s misery is slightly scaled down from canon, but only slightly; in some ways, having someone she loves for real leave for almost certain death is even worse than when it’s desperate infatuation, though I think her investment in glory and deeds is somewhat lessened. 

- Regardless, her devotion to Théoden and general frustration are still fully at play, and she has little hope for herself. She joins the Rohirrim. It’s possible that her relationship with Faramir also feeds a desire to go to Gondor herself and help save it, though it’s not her main motivation.

She’s in a pretty bad place by the time that she kills the Witch-king if that still happens the same way, which it might not; it’s possible that Boromir, a superior warrior, doesn’t fall in battle, Denethor is not driven to despair (esp with another son still alive), there’s no pyre to pull Gandalf off the battlefield, and things generally go differently. Even in that case, though, things are looking pretty dark for her when she ends up in Minas Tirith. 

And then the army out of the south shows up, and Aragorn, Faramir, etc are fine! Instrumental in victory, even. What happens then depends on a lot of factors—if Denethor is alive, the journey to/fight at the Morannon could go really differently. If Éowyn isn’t injured, it’s even possible that she joins the army and she and Faramir battle couple it up. If they’re both injured or Faramir is prevented from going to the Morannon, the Houses of Healing scenes are going to happen differently—maybe they deal with their different perspectives on war head-on, say. If we’re going with the swore-their-troth version, it’s especially different. 

In that version, they become formally betrothed at this point, with Denethor’s and (if he’s alive) Théoden’s approval (this might be reluctant on either or both sides, or not). But there are a lot of ways things could go here, depending on factors outside their relationship—like, if Denethor is alive, it’s really, really difficult to see him (or Boromir, if he’s alive) accepting Aragorn’s claim, and he is legally the person who gets to make that call. He could live decades more. And then there’s Boromir to inherit ... it’s pretty much inevitable that Faramir will eventually become Steward (and presumably accept Aragorn’s claim), but it wouldn’t be the case for most of Faramir’s and Éowyn’s lives together, so they’d have a somewhat amorphous place in the workings of government. 

But they’re happy, I think.

[justanotherlifeff]

Levi Ackerman × reader

Genre: Angst, Hurt/comfort, Fluff, matured themes, slowburn

Warning: There's mentions and descriptions of underage rape and suicidal themes and self harm and other triggering stuff.

Hanji POV

I was giving a pep talk to my squad when I saw (Y/N) talking to Levi. We were about to leave the walls in a few moments. For a second, I think I saw shorty with a warm expression. It was surprising really, given that he always looked like a "constipated brat" in his own words. What was more surprising was that he found himself someone shorter than he is. When we were called to the lift, I saw (Y/N) and Levi giving each other some really intense looks and talking about something.

God knows what these two were talking about given that their looks could make new recruits piss their pants. Levi walked away from her when the lift arrived and stood beside me on the lift. I saw (Y/N) move slightly to stand with the crowd.

"Yo shorty, what were all those intense looks about?" I nudged Levi to which he answered, "Shut it shitty glasses". I smiled at his usual behaviour. Seems like even love can't change some things. I sighed at the thought. Moblit and I weren't able to go on a date because of how busy I was with my experiments. I need to make it up to him after the expedition if both of us come back alive. As the lift creaked up, someone shouted from the crowd, " HEY HANJI!". I looked down and saw, "Flegel?" I muttered, curious that he was shouting my name out. "TAKE BACK WALL MARIA! THE FUTURE OF MANKIND IS IN YOUR HAAAANDS!" he shouted.

Following his lead, many others shouted out encouragements. Some thanked Levi for saving the town and to that Levi muttered, "Someone's got a big mouth". " Well, with the commotion we made, of course they'd find out." I muttered, answering Levi. The replacement for Mike said, "The thing is, all the meat we ordered was from the Reeves company." The replacement for Squad leader Ness merely said, "Damn that Flegel".

Suddenly, I heard people beside us shouting "YEAH YOU CAN COUNT ON US!". I turned and saw Levi squad shouting out to the people. Other soldiers were muttering about how the Survey corps never had a send off like this before. Erwin replied to them by saying, "As far as I'm aware, this is a first" before starting to shout himself. Both Levi and I looked at him surprised. I looked down at the crowd to see (Y/N) gaping at the sight too. After all, this was completely unexpected for someone as calm as Erwin.

(Y/N) POV

It was surprising to see Uncle Erwin so excited about an expedition. Specially, one that could cause many casualties. The Survey Corps were gone after a while and the crowd dispersed. I went back to the Survey corps Headquarters to get my squad to help me receive all the furniture and make my home liveable. "I have a home now..." I thought gleefully. I finally was able to find happiness. I took my horse back from the stable and galloped towards the headquarter.

When I opened the door to the common room, I saw my squad complaining about not being able to join the expedition.

[(Y/N) Squad/ Special operations squad 2:

(Y/N) squad was supposed to be one of the four commanding squads beside Levi squad, Hanji squad and Drik squad but due to her pregnancy leave, Marlene squad was a temporary replacement for her.

Members:

Diana Becker: A graduate from 103 trainee corps. Very good at communicating with other soldiers and after being trained by (Y/N), 3DMG techniques are improving. Appointed as (Y/N)'s second in command.

Heinrich Fischer: A transfer from Garrison from 103 trainee corps. Area of specialty is medic. Good at 3DMG and getting better with (Y/N)'s training. Excellent at hand to hand combat according to (Y/N) as he was the only person who knew the right strategy to use on (Y/N), losing nonetheless. Not too good in social skills

Stefan Wagner: A graduate from 103 trainee corps. Area of specialty is Veterinarian. Good at 3DMG and improving. Good at social skills and will implement any command given as flawlessly as possible.

Marie Schwarz: A military police transfer from 103 trainee corps. Area of specialty is dealing with finance. A serious soldier who is good at almost all sectors except hand to hand combat due to a lacking in understanding of the enemy's moves but that could be improved by team activities. However, it seems like she had difficulty with authority, specially (Y/N)'s.]

"Damn it... This was one important expedition and we couldn't join... They will all be awarded as heroes when they return and we will only be watching.." Heinrich complained to the other bored soldiers as I walked in. They were all seniors in case of Trainee corps records but younger than myself by a few years given that I joined a bit late. "Heinrich, if you are so keen on being Titan fodder, go ahead, take your horse and follow them. They haven't gone too far yet." I told him, shutting him up.

"Sorry, squad leader (Y/N). He was just being an ass" Diana muttered, smacking Heinrich on his head. They probably were in a relationship or something, given that I walked onto them kissing one time. I pretended I didn't see it though. "Well, be thankful that you aren't fighting Titans with your lives in your hands and instead you're helping me with decorating my home. I want you all at my home in 30 minutes. I'll be going to the furniture store and getting the furniture." I ordered them as they answered with a "Hai!" before I left for the furniture store. It was already getting dark. I took my horse there, paid the furniture makers, rented a wagon and with the help of the furniture maker's apprentice, took all the furniture home. The squad was already home and with their help, I started arranging the house.

"Diana, go arrange the kitchen utensils. Stefan and Heinrich, move that shelf away from the window." I commanded. Most of the house was already decorated. I just needed to get the bedsheets arranged, bring all of Levi's and my own books from the headquarters, except of course, the work related ones. "Marie, we are going to get the books" I commanded her and we went to the headquarter.

It took a while to arrange all the books as I did that by dividing the books by genres. After the whole decoration process was done, I thanked the squad and dismissed them. It was about 10 pm when I started cleaning the house. After an hour of cleaning, I felt like the house was clean enough for Levi's standards and I locked the front gate and went back to the headquarter. We weren't supposed to be living in this house till we get married. I was tired beyond measures after all the work and decided to pass out on the bed.

A few hours later

Levi POV

"Looks like the beast titan has us in it's sights. This place is about to turn into a honeycomb. Erwin, if you tell me there's no way left for us to fight back, I'll start preparing for defeat." I told Erwin. This operation was meaningless. Of course there was no chance of victory after this. If we had to get some survivors... I would have to give up my life... Would (Y/N) be okay with it? I'm sure she would be devastated... But I had to do this. For humanity and for a good future of my child... Can (Y/N) raise him on her own? "It could be a she too you know" (Y/N)'s voice rang in my head. She always pointed that out whenever I called our child a 'he'.

"Eren's sprawled out there, right? Go wake him up. You and some of the others get on him and run. That way we'll have at least a few survivors." I continued. I remembered the last time I slept with her. She looks so peaceful when she sleeps... "The recruits and survivors from Hanji's squad can scatter on horses all at once and try to head home... How does that sound? With them acting as bait, you and the others on Eren will be able to escape." I concluded. I remember her snuggling into my arms, burying her head in my chest... "And what are you going to do, Levi?" Erwin asked me. Was that really the last time I saw her? And I really made a shitty promise that I couldn't keep that time?

"I'll deal with that beast. I'll lead him away" I answered. Am I really ready to choose humanity over her? Over our kid? "No. You can't even get close to him." Erwin stated. I remembered her rare smiles. I imagined a future where she and my kid will be safe. If this sacrifice is worth it, I can do this. "Probably not. But, if you and Eren make it back alive, there's still hope. Isn't that the kind of situation we're in now? This is a major defeat. Honestly, I'm not expecting anyone to make it home alive at this point." I replied. "True. If we don't have any way of fighting back." Erwin stated calmly. I was surprised. Did he have anything up his sleeve?

"Do you have one?" I asked him, genuinely surprised. "Yes" he stated. At this point, I was annoyed at him. What was he thinking? Why didn't he say this to me before? "Why didn't you tell me earlier? Why didn't you put that ugly mouth of yours to work sooner and say something?" I asked, genuinely annoyed. "If this plan goes well, you may be able to defeat that beast. But only if we sacrifice the lives of all the recruits here, as well as mine." Erwin mentioned. Sacrificing Erwin? Didn't I promise (Y/N) that I'll keep him safe? If he makes a decision like this, how can I face (Y/N) again?

"You're absolutely right. No matter what we do, most of us will surely die. Infact, it's most likely that we will all be wiped out. So our only choice is to assume we are all expendable and work from there. We'd have to ask these young people to give up their lives. You'd need the skills of a first rate con man to come up with a reason that convincing. So I doubt any of them will charge forward unless I was leading the way. Which would mean I'd be the very first to die. Without ever learning what was in that basement." Erwin said. "Huh?" I asked, confused.

This man was about to die and all he cared about was a shitty basement? He sighed and said, "I just want to go to that basement. Everything I have done, I did thinking that this day would come. That someday, I would be able to check my answers. There were so many times that I thought it would be easier to just die. Then, the dream I shared with my father would flash through my head. And now those answers are close enough to reach out and grab... They are right here... But, Levi, can you see them? All of our comrades? Our comrades are watching us. They want to know what we will do with the hearts they dedicated to our cause. Because they may be gone but their fight isn't over. But then again, I promised (Y/N) that I will be with her at her wedding... She doesn't deserve to lose more... I broke enough promises to her before. Will the last thing I told her be a promise that I couldn't keep? Or is it all pointless and nothing more than my own childish delusion?".

I looked at Erwin for a while, my mind full of doubt. He was implying that I have to make the decision. This was much worse. (Y/N) would never forgive me. She will despise me. I might lose the only chance I ever had of having a family. Then again, didn't I decide that sacrificing my life for the safety of (Y/N) and our child was worth it? Why should this be any different? If wall Maria is captured, humanity will be much closer to victory. (Y/N) and our child will be safer. I'd rather have (Y/N) hate me than get her killed because I was weak. I knelt down in front of Erwin and told him, "You've fought a good fight. We have only come this far thanks to you. I'm making the choice. Give up on your dreams and die for us. Lead the recruits straight into hell. And I'll take down the beast titan.". To that he smiled slightly at me. "Keep (Y/N) safe. You two have my blessings." he said, startling me before he explained the plan to me.

"You want me to approach the beast by myself using vertical manoeuvring? There's nothing around him! There isn't a single tree or house or anything else I can use!" I asked Erwin, not understanding what he was talking about. "No... You have targets that are the perfect height. They are standing there all in a row aren't they? Use the titans to sneak up on and ambush the beast titan." Erwin explained.

I stood beside him as he convinced all the soldiers to give up their lives. Deep down, I knew it was all my decision. I felt revolted by myself. Does a person like me even deserve the happiness and stability of a family? When I can decide to send so many people to their deaths, bringing tragedy to so many other families... "No. I won't regret my decision now. It is all for the greater good" I convinced myself as I stood, watching the faces of people who knew they were about to die meaningless deaths.

The plan was put into action. I maneuvered towards the beast titan, killing it's titan army in progress. I saw the suicide charge down there. "I'm sorry" I told them in my mind as I slashed the napes of titans.

"Turning into titan puts a heavy strain on your body... So you can't transform again while you're busy healing. Isn't that right?" I asked the blonde man who I had cut out of the beast titan and stuffed my blade in his mouth. I pushed the blade forward, making it come out of an eye socket through his mouth before saying, "Hey, answer me. Don't you have any manners?". "I can't kill him. Not yet. Isn't there anyone still alive? It doesn't matter how injured they are as long as they are breathing... I can use this shot to turn them into a titan... Then I can have them eat this guy and steal the power of the beast titan. Isn't there anyone?" I thought. An image of Erwin passed through my mind.

"Isn't there someone I can bring back-" my thoughts were interrupted by the cart titan's mouth. I assumed that it tried to eat me but I moved away and saw it taking the beast titan and run away. "Hey! Where are you going? Stop. I'm not done with you yet..." I said, my voice sounding like a defeated person. Did I just lose to him at the last moment? The beast titan commanded the remaining titans to come at me. "Wait... I swore to him... That I'd kill you no matter what." I muttered. Anger surged into me as I continued, "I SWORE TO HIM!" as I changed my blades and charged towards the titans coming at me, slashing their napes off as fast as possible so that I could follow the beast and end him.

I flew to the wall as fast as possible to find the beast titan in front of Eren. Eren had his blade to the throat of a limbless figure, possibly the colossal titan. The beast titan saw me and started running again as I flew towards Eren. My gas finished off just as I reached Eren. "That was the last bit of gas I had. I'm going after him. Give me all your gas and blades. Hurry!" I commanded Eren just before a black figure behind him coughed faintly.

The black figure was Armin. Eren was going insane after figuring out that Armin was alive. He shouted at me excitedly to give the titan serum to Armin. A certain gut feeling made me hesitate. What if Erwin isn't dead? I was handing the serum out to Eren when Floch arrived with Erwin on his back. He said that Erwin is alive and gravely injured. I took the serum back, sure that I will inject it to Erwin. "Captain?" Eren asked, surprised and scared. I checked Erwin's nose with my hand.

"He's still breathing. He's still alive...". I can keep (Y/N)'s promise... "We're giving this injection to Erwin" I stated. Eren suddenly stood up, facing me. "You just said you'd use it on Armin.." he told me, tears streaming from his eyes. "I'm choosing to keep alive the man who will save humanity" I replied to Eren. Behind me, Mikasa got her blade out.

"You guys, do you have the faintest damn clue on what you're doing? We are talking about Erwin Smith. The commander of the Survey corps. You're telling me to sit here and let him die? There's no time. Get out of my way." I told them before Eren held the box of titan serum in my hands. "Eren, look past your feelings." I told him. "My feelings? Why did you hesitate before handing over the injection?" Eren asked me. Wasn't it obvious? I was trying to keep a promise that I made. I just had to take the chance...

"I was considering the possibility that Erwin was alive." I answered. "I don't see how you ever could ever have predicted that Floch would bring the dying commander." Eren stated. "You're right. But now that Erwin is here, we're using it on him." I told him my final decision. To my surprise, he still tugged on to the box and I had no choice other than punching him on his face, and sending him flying. Mikasa ran at me with her sword and jumped on me with her blade on my throat. Why couldn't I fight her? I was always stronger than her, but, was it guilt that made me feel this way? The fact that I probably was being selfish? That I wanted Erwin alive more for personal reasons than just the fate of humanity?

Hanji pulled Mikasa off me. She explained to her that everyone lost people dear to them today. She lost Moblit, how she regretted not going out with him even once, how she wished to bring him back too along with many other comrades. I was up on my foot now, kneeling in front of Erwin with the injection out. Suddenly, I felt someone grab my feet. "Heichou, have you heard of the ocean?" he said. He told me how much Armin wanted to see it. Floch tried to stop him but he said it anyway. I realised that he wasn't any different from me. He wanted his best friend back. I wanted (Y/N)'s happiness. I didn't have any right to choose who is to live and who is to die but at that moment, I was forced to make a choice. I chose to give in to my personal gain.

"Troops, clear the area! Erwin will turn into a titan and eat Berthold!" I commanded. "Fools, all of them... Like little kids... The way they scream and flail..." I muttered as I walked towards Erwin with Berthold. Suddenly, flashes of my conversation with Kenny came to my mind. "They couldn't keep going unless they were drunk on something..." he told me. I folded Erwin's jacket up to his elbow. I brought the injection towards his hand. "They were all slaves to something. Even him", Kenny's voice rang in my ear just as Erwin's hand shot up. " Teacher... How'd y... find out that they don't exist?" Erwin muttered.

Realisation flowed through my mind. Someone as self obsessed as Kenny decided to die when he achieved his dreams. I remembered the conversation I had with Erwin before the expedition. The one where he said that he didn't have much plans for after he finds out what was in the basement. The conversation from before the suicide march rang in my head. "There were so many times that I thought it would be easier to just die." I remembered Erwin saying that. Erwin was able to work his wonders only because of his curiosity on what was in the basement. If he found out what was in the basement, he won't have any reason to fight anymore. Sure, he loved (Y/N) but that had nothing to do with this fight. He already gave the responsibility of (Y/N)'s safety to me before the suicide march.

Even if Erwin lived, he wouldn't be able to contribute much to humanity's victory anymore. Armin on the other hand, still has a dream that was far from being achieved. "I need to keep (Y/N) and my child safe. No matter what." I thought. Erwin's death was crucial for humanity's victory. With that thought, I injected Armin with the titan serum.

To be continued...

Taglist: @reality-is-often-disappointing, @kingtamakimurder

[justanotherlifeff]

Levi Ackerman × reader

Genre: Angst, Hurt/comfort, Fluff, matured themes, slowburn

Warning: There's mentions and descriptions of underage rape and suicidal themes and self harm. DETAILED SMUT IN THIS CHAPTER

No one's POV

(Y/N) knocked on Erwin's door. The ring was already on her finger. Levi opened the door with an annoyed face. His expression brightened slightly after seeing it's (Y/N) as he held the door for her. "(Y/N), please sit" Erwin told (Y/N) pointing at the chair in front of his table. "Now that both of you are here, what's the news that you wanted to give me, Levi?" Erwin asked Levi as (Y/N) sat down. "(Y/N) and I are engaged now. I thought you'd want to know." Levi told Erwin in a bland tone.

"I wonder why I'm not surprised." Erwin sighed as he replied to Levi's statement with sarcasm. “Levi, as her only guardian, I can't allow you to marry (Y/N) unless you get a stable home. We all know that raising a child in the regiment headquarters isn't possible." Erwin added. "Yes, I thought about it too. I'll make arrangements for a house and try to get on with this shit as quickly as possible. After all, this peace won't last forever." Levi answered to Erwin.

"Anyway, I called both of you here for a different reason..." Erwin started but was interrupted by (Y/N). "You called me for something?" she asked with a confused tone. Levi only told her to go to Erwin's office to break the news about their extremely bland engagement. (Y/N) wasn't concerned about the fact that Levi's proposal wasn't very glamorous because she never cared about grand romantic gestures and all that. She was just immensely happy because Levi took the effort to buy such a nice ring for her, that after abandoning his duties. Levi wouldn't do all that if he didn't love her. Erwin looked at Levi and raised his one of his massive eyebrows.

"I forgot to mention that to her" Levi said casually. He definitely wasn't gonna let them know that he was so nervous while telling her to get the ring that he forgot to mention (Y/N) that Erwin called her. "I see. Well, now that you're here, there's a mission I'd like to discuss with you. If you're uncomfortable with it, you can always refuse." Erwin told (Y/N) with a slightly concerned voice. "What's the mission?" (Y/N) asked monotonously.

"Well, you see, we weren't able to capture all the lords who worked for the Reiss family and enthroned the fake king. There are exactly three lords who are not captured yet and we got a lead that they have properties in the underground city. Almost all rich lords have properties there in case the wall breaks or for any emergency situation. The documents on those properties are as shady as it can be and can't give us any right information. I was planning to send Levi and Hanji to pinpoint their location by an undercover mission but Hanji, having a curious mind like herself, can attract attention. Levi alone can't do it because in his time, he was quiet popular in the underground. They will recognise him if he tries to spy on people. You, (Y/N), are the most capable person after him but given that you're expecting and your past, I didn't want to involve you into this. But, right now, we don't have much of a choice. If you're uncomfortable with it, we will have to send Mikasa with Levi but she's not as matured as you are and may make bad decisions which could turn out to be risky for us." Erwin explained.

A rush of bad memories went through her mind but at the end, (Y/N) decided that she had to face her past. "I'll go." she answered calmly. Erwin scanned her face before saying, "I see, well, the mission is simple. You two won't engage in fights with anyone. You will only pinpoint their locations and report back. The rest will be taken care of by Levi squad and Hanji squad. You will have to go to the upper class whore houses because knowing how Lords usually are, you probably will find them there. There's this tavern out there where all the upper class people goes to drink. It's called the Devil's Punchbowl.." Erwin was interrupted as Levi snorted.

"I know that place. The owner had a shit load of ego" he muttered. (Y/N) decided that she wanted to hear the story behind that. "As I was saying, (Y/N), you will get inside and get information. You're not too popular yet, at least not in the underground. That's more or less the plan now." Erwin explained. "I see. Understood." (Y/N) replied. Just then, Hanji entered the room with 39 other squad leaders of the survey corps. (Y/N) and Levi looked at Erwin with a confused expression. "Commander, I fetched everyone here." Hanji said before saluting. Erwin stood up and came in front of them. (Y/N) did the same and stood beside Levi.

Erwin then, explained the whole situation, "I was planning to choose the next commander before our next expedition to reseal wall Maria. I am confused about who to choose because I have two candidates on my list. It's either Hanji because of her quick thinking and innovative ideas or (Y/N) because of her quick thinking and ability to see patterns in the enemy and counterattack perfectly. I thought if all the squad leaders here except Hanji help me out with a voting. It's pretty simple, when I call out one of their names, you will raise your hand to vote for her." Erwin explained. (Y/N) was shocked at the whole thing but Hanji, however was not because Erwin mentioned that she was a candidate for the next commander long ago.

"Anyone voting for Hanji, raise your hand." Erwin commanded and 20 people raised their hands. "I see.. I guess it's a tie. This makes things rather difficult." Erwin sighed. "Commander? May I have a word?" (Y/N) told Erwin with a confident voice. "Yes?" Erwin asked. "I don't think I'm fit for this role." she stated. "Why is that, (Y/N)?" Erwin asked, curious about why she was throwing out the huge career opportunity.

"Commander, I am not suitable for this role because, firstly, I'm not the type of person with good leadership skills. My trainee corps records clearly states that I'm not good at teamwork. I will never be able to achieve the trust of a whole military division just by my strength. Yes, I might be able to make quick decisions but I can't ever make actual battle plans. Commander, you yourself invented a whole battle formation. I could never do something like that. Hanji however, made that explosive added with 3DMG within a few hours. I believe that Hanji would be a better choice." (Y/N) explained.

"But... But you outsmarted Commander Erwin that time... No one has ever been able to do that..." Hanji tried to interject but Levi stopped her. "Hanji, that's because you never tried to outsmart the commander." he said to her. Then he turned at Erwin and said, "Commander, I'd like to change my vote to Hanji. I just realized that Hanji will do a better job than (Y/N)." "Well, it's decided then. Hanji will be next in the chain of command." Erwin declared. Then he turned to (Y/N) and said, "As for (Y/N), you still deserve a promotion. I think, as you're almost as strong as Levi, a second special operations squad could be formed with you as a squad leader. I will complete the paperwork for that.".

"Thank you, Commander." (Y/N) replied professionally but a smile crept on her face. This really was an amazing day for her. Erwin then turned at everyone else and said that they were dismissed and everyone walked out of Erwin's office. While going out, Levi told (Y/N), "Congratulations on your promotion." with a smug look. "Thank you. How do you think we should celebrate it?" (Y/N) answered with an equally smug expression. "Well, I have some things in mind. We need to go to our room though. Shall we?" Levi mumbled near her ear, making her the skin tingle due to his warm breath on her neck. "After you" (Y/N) answered with a smirk.

When they reached Levi's room, Levi pinned (Y/N) to a wall and kissed her passionately. He helped her get rid of the survey corps coat that she had on and also the uniform underneath. "Go to bed, (Y/N). I'll be back shortly" He commanded her before picking up the clothes and retiring to the closet. (Y/N) knew that he will fold those up now. After all, he was the neatest person she met. She remembered a day from back when she just joined the special operations squad. She had been given stable duty that day.

"How do you never complain when heichou gives you stable duties? Everyone hates mucking the stables and he is downright unfair to you because you win sparring challenges with him sometimes." Eren ranted. He was walking with (Y/N) to the stable. "Well, he wasn't wrong. I did dirty his uniform this time. I could've been more careful with the tea if I wasn't reading a book while working. I don't think anyone would tolerate their subordinate throwing tea at them." (Y/N) muttered as a reply.

"Well, you're not wrong... But you did apologise. If he made you clean his uniform, that would be more fair. Mucking the stable seems like a bit too much." Eren told (Y/N) with a sympathetic look. (Y/N) shrugged it off and said, "Well, he's the captain. He's the one who makes the decision of what punishment we should get. I'd rather trust his judgement instead of calling it unfair.". "No wonder he doesn't hate you as much as he hates us..." Eren muttered before leaving (Y/N) alone.

Levi came to check how well the mucking was going to find (Y/N) scrubbing the last stall. It had only been three hours and Levi didn't expect (Y/N) to be done with the third stall. He checked the other stalls and found them practically spotless. The horses were tied on a tree nearby. "I didn't expect her to figure that out so soon... Eren took 3 times of re cleaning to figure that out..." Levi thought. The cleaning was above average. Almost as good as him. "You're pretty good at this. You'll be cleaning my room from now on." he commanded. Since then, (Y/N)'s cleaning duties were to clean Levi's room. They would chat while she was cleaning about books they both read. They had many friendly conversations, ones that lead to them having feelings for each other. Ones that lead to (Y/N) trusting Levi with her past.

It seemed stupid to (Y/N), how they denied their feelings for so long when they were there all that time. Levi came back, naked, while (Y/N) was lost in thoughts. "What are you thinking?" Levi asked her before pinning her down on the bed and kissing her neck. "I was thinking about that day. The day when you asked me to start cleaning your room?" (Y/N) sighed.

"Mhhm? That was a good decision. Those brats can't clean as good as you." Levi mumbled before going back to kissing her neck. His hands moved towards her vagina as his kisses got rougher, leaving marks on her neck. She was panting slightly as his fingers made his way into her vagina, stretching it, filling it. When he felt like she was wet enough, without any warning, he positioned himself and plunged into her making her yelp in pleasure. He moved in a rough pace, making her come closer to euphoria.

Meanwhile, Erwin sent Hanji to collect (Y/N)'s trainee corps report card and her so called birth certificate. Hanji, as she had nothing to do due to the lack of a lab in this survey corps branch, decided to get done with her work as fast as possible. She knew that (Y/N) was staying with Levi and decided to go to Levi's office, which was attached to Levi's room. To Levi's distaste, she never knocked before entering Levi's office and this time was no exception. Only, this time, she actually regretted doing it.

After entering Levi's office, she clearly heard the sound of sex and (Y/N)'s moaning from the other side of the door to Levi's room. She thought it would be funny to interrupt them and thus she called out, "Oi Levi! I need (Y/N) here for a second. Erwin sent me to get some documents from her." The noise stopped and after a minute or so, a fully dressed Levi came out of the room with an annoyed expression. "Don't you understand the concept of knocking, Hanji?" he told Hanji with his voice filled with contempt.

"Hey, not in mood for one of your boring lectures. I asked for (Y/N) anyway. Not you." Hanji said casually with a smile. "She probably will kill you when she's here." Levi replied in a deadpan voice. Just after Levi finished his sentence, (Y/N) came out of the room with a murderous glint in her eyes. "You have amazing timing, Hanji." she sneered at Hanji. Hanji deserved it though because she arrived just moments before (Y/N) reached an orgasm.

"Come on (Y/N)! I'd not..ahem..interrupt if I didn't have a good reason!" Hanji tried to reason with her. Hanji understood the fact that (Y/N) did not approve of her little joke at all and she didn't want to make (Y/N) hate her. After all, she considered (Y/N) as a good friend and the fact that (Y/N) set up her and Moblit together proved it. "I'm not carrying shopping bags for you again if you don't have a good enough excuse. What documents do you want?" (Y/N) asked in an annoyed voice. She wasn't as angry as before.

"Erwin asked for your trainee corps report card and your birth certificate. They are required for the paperwork for your promotion." Hanji explained herself. (Y/N) didn't reply to that and retired to Levi's room to dig those documents out from her bag. She didn't get a chance to unpack yet. When she found those, she handed them to Hanji and asked, "Well, is that all?" in a tone that clearly made Hanji realise that she wasn't wanted in the room anymore. Hanji understood why and decided to give them the privacy. "Yep. That's all" she answered cheerfully before leaving the office.

(Y/N) POV

Levi was pounding into me and just as I started loosing all sense of my surroundings and reach orgasm, Levi stopped. "Don't stop! please!" I gasped but he pulled out and grunted with a sarcastic tone, "Shitty glasses is here. That woman didn't knock again and that must be the most amazing timing I can think of". " I'll kill her" I muttered before getting up on the bed. After Hanji was gone, I looked back at Levi and said, "Well? Let's continue where we left off?". Levi looked at me and said, " You know what (Y/N), I'll give you two options. We can either continue where we left off or try something new. You choose." with a smirk.

I decided that something new would be better since I was far from an orgasm right now. "Let's try something new." I answered. "Good choice. Now, go wash your asshole." he commanded. I was confused by his command but I stripped and went to the bathroom and did what he said anyway. When I was back, our clothes were already folded and Levi was putting them back in the closet. He made me suck his dick to get it hard again and then he made me turn around and bend. After that, he fucked me and made me cum. Did he forget about trying something new? Just when that thought crossed my mind, I found him using his fingers to scoop up my cum from outside my vagina and smothering them on my asshole. Then I felt his finger poke at it.

Suddenly, I understood what this was about. I read about it in books. He was going to try anal. I blushed furiously at the thought. I felt one of his fingers getting inserted in me slowly and a satisfied sigh escaped my mouth. He moved the finger to and fro slowly making me feel the weirdest sensations ever. More fingers were inserted, the sensation increased gradually by time until I felt his dick poking on that hole.

"Levi, it wont fit..." I tried to tell him but he suddenly plunged it all in, making me yelp in pain and pleasure. He didn't move for a while giving me some time to adjust to his size. "Tell me when you're ready" he muttered as he pulled my hair to get my face close to his. After a while, when the pain subsided, I told him, "You can move now..". He didn’t waste a second and started out moving slowly, increasing his speed rapidly. The amazing sensation was numbing my legs and blurring my mind. Suddenly, I felt something warm flowing inside me.

"Do me a favour and clench your ass." Levi muttered to me before pulling out. I did what he said and after pulling out, he picked me up and went to the bathroom because he figured out that my legs were jelly at this point. After getting me to the toilet seat, he commanded me to wash myself before leaving the bathroom.

No one's POV

It was time for lunch and (Y/N) was already dressed. Levi, however took time because the smallest crinkle on his clothes were unacceptable to him. (Y/N) often wondered how he managed to notice such small details on his clothes. Even during combat, he always tried to stay as clean and tidy as possible. "Levi, when are you buying that house that you talked about to Uncle Erwin?" (Y/N) asked as Levi was ironing his shirt with a metal pot filled with warm water.

"I'm planning to buy it before going to the next expedition. We will have to order the furniture too. Those will take a few months to be ready..." Levi muttered as he tried to get rid of that one crease which didn't seem to be going no matter how hard he tried. "Well, do you have any plans about where we should get the house?" (Y/N) asked. Levi paused at that. He didn't make any plans as he never thought he'd be in a situation like this. "Well, we could think about it later" he replied before wearing his shirt. As they were walking towards the canteen, he told (Y/N), "You're not seating with my squad today. You're a squad leader now so sit at the squad leader's table." (Y/N) nodded at him as they went together towards the squad leader table.

"Hey, maybe I should let the squad know about my promotion. After all, we will still be working together and they deserve to know why I'm not sitting with them.." (Y/N) started to say before getting interrupted by Levi who simply said, "Go ahead" before walking towards the leader's table. (Y/N) went to Levi squad's table and before she was able to say anything, the team started congratulating her on her promotion. "News does travel fast" (Y/N) thought. "I'll be sitting at the leader's table from now on but I'll see you guys during training. Our squads will be working together you see" (Y/N) started but was interrupted by Sasha.

"(Y/N), don't worry about us. We are your friends. We will find a way to spend time with you. You better become a better squad leader than Levi Heichou" she said but before (Y/N) could reply, Connie said, "Pretty sure that squad leader (Y/N) is scarier than Levi heichou sometimes." "Oi, call me (Y/N). You're not in my squad and we graduated together. By the way, how am I scarier than Levi?" (Y/N) asked, completely confused. "Well, you see, you're scary enough yourself but if anyone tries to hit on you or mess with you, that's basically picking on a personal fight with Levi Heichou. I'm surprised that horse face is still alive" Eren elaborated with a protesting Jean muttering "Shut up you suicidal bastard!".

After having a small talk with Levi squad, (Y/N) went to the Leader's table with her lunch. Hanji was already there and Levi was absent. "Where's Levi?" (Y/N) asked Hanji as she sat down beside her. "Oh, well, Queen Historia came to visit Erwin on some business. She called for Levi. He will be here soon." Hanji explained. The squad leader's table in this scout regiment branch was a long table that went horizontally to both ends of the canteen. It was placed at the end of the canteen, conveniently near the buffet table. Squad leaders were still coming in.

As (Y/N) started eating, two male squad leaders that she didn't know sat in front of her and Hanji on the other side of the table and one of them said, "Well, it seems like we have a new face around here. Weren't you a cadet only like a few months back?" "Yes. I got promoted today." (Y/N) answered politely. "Yes, we know that. We were there when it happened. You're sleeping with Levi aren't you? I don't understand why Commander Erwin gives a shitty thug so much importance. I heard you're even carrying Levi's bastard. Is that how you got the promotion? Just asking cause you don't look like you can take down a fly. Strongest woman my ass" the other man said with a smirk.

"For your information Steve, (Y/N)..." Hanji started with an angry expression but was interrupted by (Y/N) as she said, "Oi Hanji, don't you think the stew tastes amazing today?". Hanji was surprised by (Y/N)'s extremely calm reaction and she figured that (Y/N) had a plan and thus, didn't talk much on that matter. The guy named Steve, however, did not understand and continued, "Oi Tom, she isn't even denying it. Heard she calls the commander 'uncle'. The commander isn't her uncle for sure. Heard she's from the underground and was taken in by the (L/N). Pretty sure she has an affair with the commander too. What do you recon she'll do to the bastard?" he asked his companion who was named Tom.

"I dunno, probably sell it to some lord or something like any whore would." Tom chuckled but stopped immediately to find (Y/N) looking at him with a calm but piercing look. (Y/N) gave him a small smile and said, "You see, Steve and Tom, you are wrong in three places. You're right. I am a whore. Judging from how nosy you people are, I'm pretty sure you two know that I was found in a whore house in the underground. Here's where you're wrong. Firstly, you clearly didn't do much research on anything from after I got out from the underground. If you did, you'd not question my promotion. Heck, you'd not try to mess with me. Well, as you two didn't do your research properly, let's start with a fist fight. Practical classes are always better than theoretical ones right? Oh, and I don't want to fight Tom. Steve, you're the big guy, let's do a round. If I can't get you under my feet in 30 seconds, you win.".

"You'll fight me? Sugar, I don't hit women" Steve smirked. The whole leader's table were looking at (Y/N) and Steve. Levi arrived the scene just a while ago and heard most of what (Y/N) said. "(Y/N), I'll take care of him.." Levi tried to say but (Y/N) stopped him and said, "Let me do this by myself." "Do you happen to be afraid, Steve? " (Y/N) asked Steve as she stood up from her chair, rolled the sleeves of her shirt and walked in front of the seated Steve. "Steve, she's asking for it. Just beat her ass" Tom told Steve in a bored voice. Steve didn't answer to that and stood up. There was quiet a bit of space between the buffet table and the leader's table. The whole canteen was looking at Steve and (Y/N) now.

Steve charged at (Y/N) but (Y/N) simply used her hands to use Steve's height and weight to knock him down. She saw Eren do that to Jean multiple times and practiced it with Levi back when she was getting knife training. Of course, most people weren't surprised by such a feat from (Y/N) because they all trusted Erwin's decisions. As Steve was trying to get up, he saw (Y/N) casually walking towards him and kick him in the face with an extremely accurate amount of speed and at an extremely accurate area of the head which knocked him out.

"Well, Tom, do your research better next time. By the way, your second mistake was to think that Uncle Erwin isn't my uncle, because, he is. Thirdly, you shouldn't have said that thing about me selling my kid. I wouldn't have given lowlifes like you any attention if you didn't do that. Now that you succeeded in attracting my attention, help your friend to the medics. He'll have a concussion." (Y/N) told Tom, who was speechless by (Y/N)'s abilities. After Tom left with an unconscious Steve, (Y/N) sat back at her seat and started with her stew.

"Those are the bullies among the squad leaders. There are three types of squad leaders around here. Bullies like them, the normal ones, and people like myself or Levi, the ones who actually are assets to the Survey corps. These bullies thought you're one of the normal ones but they didn't think you'd be with the elites. They don't usually sit with us. They just came here today to mess with you. You'd not see them around usually." Hanji explained. "I reckoned you'd find this type of divisions in the military police. Not the Survey Corps." (Y/N) muttered as she slurped down her now cold stew. "(Y/N), every military division has shit like this. Some more than the others. None of the divisions are perfect." Levi answered to that before looking at Hanji and asking, "Hanji, where do you reckon we should buy a house?"

[AUTHOR'S NOTE: Remember how (Y/N) walked on to Petra kissing Levi while getting to her cleaning duties before the 57th expedition? Now you know how she got the duty of cleaning Levi's room in the first place.]

To be continued...

Taglist: @reality-is-often-disappointing, @kingtamakimurder

[justanotherlifeff]

Levi Ackerman × reader

Genre: Angst, Hurt/comfort, Fluff, matured themes, slowburn

Warning: There's mentions and descriptions of underage rape and suicidal themes and self harm and other triggering stuff. MENTIONS OF SMUT

[Author's note: I forgot to mention that I assumed that the army burial grounds were in Capital Mitras, given that its the safest place within the Walls. The burial grounds doesn't necessarily have bodies underneath the headstones as many survey corps soldiers don't have their bodies recovered after expeditions. There's a different section in the burial grounds for soldiers whose bodies weren't recovered. The headstones there are cluttered together.]

No one's POV

(Y/N) was sitting with Levi in a carriage. Levi held her close to him, with one of his arm around her. He was genuinely worried about her as he witnessed her going through one of the toughest situation a person can possibly go through. Levi knew that because he went through something similar when Kenny left him. (Y/N) told him all about how things went with Pixis on their ride to the military burial grounds. (Y/N) rarely cried and watching her cry made his heart wrench. He wanted to see her happy for every second of her life. Sure, she was trying her best to accept the situation as it is but he knew that she was torn inside. It was just a matter of time before she vented it out. They were on their way to the scout regiment branch. Hanji and the others were already there and they were running late. Levi and (Y/N) had to report to Erwin just as they reached and Levi had a bad feeling that Erwin must've known everything about (Y/N).

After reaching, the first thing they did was going to Erwin's office. Hanji was in there when they entered. She just reported about the mission. As she was leaving, she gave (Y/N) a sympathetic smile before getting out of the room. (Y/N) and Levi reported everything related to the mission before (Y/N) started, "and, I found my biological mother." looking straight at Erwin's eyes. Erwin shifted in his seat. He didn't expect to hear this. "I see. Did you talk to her?" he asked softly. "Yes. Did you know about Commander Pixis, Uncle Erwin? That he's my biological father?" (Y/N) asked, with a cold stare at Erwin. Erwin sighed at that and said, "Yes I knew. He mentioned it when he asked me to train you."

"Ah. And why didn't you ever say it to me?" (Y/N) asked in a cold voice. "(Y/N), you had a good family. If I told you about it, you would've wanted to go to Commander Pixis and of course, you would've been disappointed. I rescued you from that place, (Y/N). I didn't want to see you get hurt anymore." Erwin said as he got up from his seat and walked towards (Y/N). (Y/N) sighed at the reply. He wasn't wrong. She was glad that he didn't tell her about it when she was younger. She probably wouldn't be able to accept the situation. "Uncle Erwin, I had to ask something from you." (Y/N) looked away from Erwin and said in a soft voice. "What is it?" Erwin asked. "I want you to walk me down the aisle." (Y/N) told Erwin, still looking away.

"I.. I'd be honoured to do that, (Y/N)" Erwin answered, surprised by the sudden request. He saw (Y/N) almost like a daughter and he knew that he was a father figure to (Y/N). It was natural that she would ask him to do this at some point but it still surprised him, given that he hid the fact that Pixis was (Y/N)'s real father and that (Y/N) just recently found out. "Uncle Erwin?" (Y/N) called out, throwing Erwin out of his thoughts. "Yes?" he asked. "Thank you" (Y/N) told him with a smile, before walking out of the door.

"That was unexpected" Levi told Erwin casually. He was watching the whole thing silently. "Yes. Indeed" Erwin answered, still quiet shaken. "Well, I'll take my leave now" Levi told him before leaving the room and following (Y/N).

Levi POV

(Y/N) was waiting for me outside Erwin's room. I certainly didn't expect (Y/N) to forgive Erwin so easily. I wanted to kill him because Mike Zacharias threw my face in a puddle and he supported it. Sure, I grew up, I stopped taking small things like that seriously, but, (Y/N) is much younger than I am and such maturity is hard to come by. I motioned her to follow me back to my room and she did what I asked.

When we reached my room, the first thing (Y/N) did after getting her shoes off was, she sat on my bed. "(Y/N), you're filthy now. At least change those clothes before sitting anywhere..." I tried to tell her but was interrupted by the look on her face. She was crying. Not like the few drops of tears in the burial grounds, she had water streaming from her face and she was sobbing quietly. I walked towards (Y/N) and hugged her. Her sobbing increased as she kept saying "Why me?" and "What did I do wrong?".

I patted her head awkwardly and told her, "You're not the one who's wrong. What's wrong, is this world.". I didn't know how to comfort her better than this. She continued to sob. "(Y/N), we'll be better parents than them. Our child will never have to face something like this. I promise, (Y/N), I'll make sure our child gets to grow up in a world without Titans or bad people." I found myself telling her. She looked at me, teary eyed. "You think we'll be good parents?" she asked me. "I don't know (Y/N). All I know is that we will try our best." I answered. She hugged me as I answered. Her sobbing stopped. Her mouth was still carved into a frown and her eyes still watery. "Let's take a bath, okay? You'll feel better when we are clean" I told her. Being clean of course made everything better.

She smiled at me and said, "How are you planning to tolerate our child? Apparantly children are supposed to be dirty". "I'll train them how to clean themselves and how to clean the house" I grunted. That somehow made (Y/N) laugh. "They are children, Levi. Not dogs." she said. "What's the difference? Both are nagging small things." I answered. At least, that's how I remembered my childhood, Kenny training me around. I think I turned out pretty well.

"I guess I'll have to give you the parenting book in Uncle Erwin's collection." (Y/N) sighed as she got up from the bed. "Huh? Why does Erwin have a parenting book?" I questioned, curious about the whole deal. "Well, he used parenting tricks on me to trick me to listen to him when we trained. Unfortunately, I came across the book and read it and tried to use a few tricks on him too. He caught on with that soon obviously." (Y/N) answered, sounding nostalgic. "Ah, I see. I'd read it then. Go take a bath now. You're getting my room filthy" I told (Y/N) as she ran to the bathroom.

2 months later

No One's POV

(Y/N) was helping Historia manage the kids in the orphanage. She had been learning a few tricks into making kids like her. Historia made her own orphanage using all the property seized from the lords. Many board meetings were held to discuss the backlash from other aristocrats but in the end, Historia ended up getting more public support than ever. Levi backed the whole thing up as the captain of the survey corps since he was from the underground, and so did Erwin, given that he had a niece who was born in the underground. (Y/N) made more name for herself as she personally carried out an operation to rescue as much children as possible from the underground along with her squad.

The media caused quiet a backlash though, now that the news of her engagement with Levi, her sudden promotion and the fact that she was unmarried and pregnant went widespread in the walls. Her past was brought up, headlines were made about the murder she committed back when she was a child.

As an answer to all these, (Y/N) finally decided to talk about her past to the media. She told them all she remembered about her life in the underground, how she was molested by Jacob and how the murder was just self defence. She of course, never mentioned Pixis since she didn't consider him as her father.

Questions that were raised about her character were hushed down when she told the media, "My promotion doesn't have anything to do with my relationship with Levi heichou. I have my own walls between my personal life and my career. If any of you made the effort to read the newspaper from when wall Rose was breached, you could see that I was branded as humanity's strongest woman. If any of you still have any faith in that, then you would know that my promotion was justified. And about my pregnancy, the problem with everyone was that the fact that I had a physical relationship before marriage, right? Well, I've had that when I was 5. I was brought up in the upper class whorehouses and I am pretty sure many of the nobles in wall Sina did unspeakable things to me. If any of you try to talk about what's right and wrong, you should go find them instead of pointing fingers at me."

The survey corps moved back to Trost, given that the next expedition will take place from there. Levi had already got the ownership of the house he paid for and he also ordered furniture for the house, which would be ready by the time the operation to take back Wall Maria was over. While Levi was busy with a pile of paperwork, (Y/N) visited the orphanage with the supply wagons from Trost along with Levi squad. She often learned new things about children here, and it seemed like the children, particularly the ones from the underground were very fond of her. A while later, Historia went off to talk to Eren and the others, who were lazing off near the fence, leaving (Y/N) with two of the children that she was playing with.

One thing the children did when they saw (Y/N) was that they asked her to tell them stories about fighting titans. When the two kids ran towards her as Historia left, she wasn't surprised. "(Y/N)-san! Tell us a story!" one of them said in an excited voice. (Y/N) smiled slightly, "Which one do you want to hear about? The one where I killed over thirty titans?" she asked, knowing that this was the most popular story so far. "No. We want to know how things were with you in the underground" the shy looking boy in the duo meekly told her. "Ah. I see." (Y/N) sighed. They never asked her about her life in the underground but given that they were from down there too, it was natural. "You look sad, (Y/N)-san... You don't have to tell us..." they tried to back away, seeing (Y/N)'s gloomy face.

"It's not that. I just... Hey, did you two know that there was a huge gap in the underground? You could see sunlight there." (Y/N) said, trying to lighten the environment, which turned out to be successful. "There really was a place like that?" one of the boys asked with a curious place. "Yes. I used to run away from the place I lived in to go see the sunlight there. I was always caught though." (Y/N) answered. "(Y/N)-san, how did you feel after coming up here?" the shy boy asked. "Well, I was so happy that it all felt like a dream. Turns out it wasn't a dream" (Y/N) answered with a smile as she ruffled both the kids hair.

"Well, I should be going now. Be good kids okay?" (Y/N) told them with a smile as they nodded to (Y/N) with smiling faces. (Y/N) walked towards Levi squad, who were done taking the supplies in the orphanage, and told them, "It's time to head back. I'll have to get paperwork for the shipment done and I don't have any intention to stay up the night.".

Sure, (Y/N) was on pregnancy leave but that didn't mean she wouldn't do office work. She even managed to train her squad once a week. She mostly advised them how to fight though since moving around too much made her feel nauseous. With a lot of arguments, (Y/N) was able to convince Erwin to let her attend the night time expeditions to create a pathway to Shiganshina for the first month but after that, as (Y/N)'s morning sickness only got worse, she had to take a pregnancy leave after being forced into it by Erwin and Levi.

(Y/N) was back in the Survey Corps HQ by evening. She entered the room to find a very stressed out Levi, who was sitting at his table, surrounded by piles of paperwork. (Y/N) had some delivered to her by someone in her squad. "How did the meeting go?" (Y/N) asked him. Levi attended an important meeting while (Y/N) was helping out Historia with supplies. The meeting was supposed to be about ensuring the date of the operation to reclaim wall Maria. After all, the survey corps were as prepared as they can be.

Hanji made amazing discoveries. Hanji, single handedly, along with Eren's powers, made the executioner from hell, a guillotine for Titans. She also had plans to make a weapon against the armoured titan, one she said, will be completed in a matter of weeks. "Erwin entrusted me with the titan serum." Levi told in his monotonous voice. "Oh..." (Y/N) replied softly. She knew what that meant. However, trusting Levi with such a big responsibility was scary for her. That man suffered enough and this would only increase it if he had to make a tough decision. After all, the decision of who gets to live and who gets to die is one that no person should ever have to make.

Both of their paperwork were done in about two hours. (Y/N), like always, went and sat on Levi's lap, kissing him as he kissed back. Their daily routine consisted of sex after paperwork. "Are we really going to have normal old sex again?" (Y/N) sighed as Levi turned his attention to (Y/N)'s neck. "I don't want to hurt the baby" Levi muttered as he continued kissing her neck. "I asked Hanji. She said being a bit rough won't hurt" (Y/N) answered to that. "Why were you talking to her about our sex life?" Levi looked at her this time, his expression showing irritation.

"Well, I want Heichou." (Y/N) pouted as she started unbuttoning Levi's shirt. "Don't tempt me (Y/N). I've been storing my desires for a long time." Levi sighed, as he worked on getting (Y/N)'s shirt off. "What do you wanna do to me, Heichou?" (Y/N) asked Levi, with a smirk as she helped Levi get her shirt off. "Tie you up and fuck you on my table?" Levi murmured as he attacked (Y/N)'s breast with his mouth. "Please do it to me Heichou. Your slut needs you" (Y/N) kept on tempting him, using the exact words he taught her to say. At this, Levi looked straight at her eyes and asked, "Does Hanji know what she's talking about?". " I'm certain she does." (Y/N) whispered before yelping as Levi threw her on his table, using the neckerchief resting on his table to tie her hands before saying, "I'll kill her if this harms the baby" and drowning the room in (Y/N)'s moans and the sound of sex.

A week later

"How far are you? I still have a stack left" (Y/N) asked Levi. They were sitting at his table, trying to get rid of their stacks of paperwork so that they can get into their daily sexual activities. "Still have two stacks left. You've gotten faster at this" Levi muttered. (Y/N) just smiled slightly and continued with her work. Suddenly, the door busted open and Hanji entered the room, again, without knocking.

"Hanji, how many times will I have to tell you to knock?" Levi told her, looking at her with his usual stoic expression. "Don't be so fussy, Levi. Oi (Y/N), you're the only other smart person around here who can help me out a bit as Erwin is too old to understand technology. Come with me to my office right now!" Hanji exclaimed, looking excited. "I have paperwork" (Y/N) answered to that in a monotone voice. "Aww come on! Paperwork won't save people!" Hanji whined. "(Y/N), get her out of here. She's giving me a headache" Levi remarked, not looking up from the document he was working on. (Y/N) sighed at that and followed a jumping and excited Hanji out of the room.

4 hours later

"So, it has to be a portable device that can break the armoured Titan's armour. The reports from back when wall Maria fell said that cannons couldn't break the armour and so we need something more portable and faster moving than the average cannon ball, according to your theory." (Y/N) summed up the case after reading all the reports, multiple books on physics that Hanji threw at her, and several design ideas that failed. At this point, (Y/N) was wondering why she skipped sex and spent the night brainstorming with Hanji. "Well, yes. The interior police gears have fast moving bullets but those are too small to get any effect on the armour. Its also not possible to give cannon balls that much speed, not with the technology available to us anyway." Hanji muttered, looking at a failed design.

"If there was a way to use the weak spots between the armour and use some sort of force to crack the armour like a walnut..." (Y/N) muttered before she looked like her head was about to explode. "Wait, why does it have to be big or speedy if we can just explode whole chunks of armour off? If we can make oversized bullets with explosives inside them, find a way to shoot them in the weaker points in the armour, the outer hard layer could be blasted off with the force. It just needs a design like some sort of spear so that it could be stuck to the weak spots instead of rolling off like cannon balls." (Y/N) stated with wide eyes.

"Wow. That didn't really cross my mind. However, to shoot them to stick to the weak point and to keep a safe distance, we need to make them somewhat like firecrackers and use some other way to tick the explosive off when its out of the hand" Hanji muttered as she furiously started making a design with all the math. "Glad I could help." (Y/N) told her as she yawned before she went back to Levi's room.

(Y/N) was woken by Levi's rapid shaking. "5 more minutes Levi" (Y/N) muttered, facing away from Levi. "Eren remembered that the man with his father was Keith Shadis. We are going to meet him now. Get up" Levi told her, trying to drag her out of the bed. "I don't give a fuck Levi. Let me sleep." (Y/N) groaned as she threw a pillow at Levi, which he ducked easily. "Suit yourself" Levi muttered as he got out of the room as (Y/N) drifted back off to sleep.

When she woke up again, it was almost evening. She walked into Levi's office to find him getting done with some big stacks of paperwork. "So you're up" Levi stated, not looking up from the document he was working on. "Seems like it. What happened at ex commander shadis's place?" (Y/N) asked with an yawn. "Nothing much. He didn't have much information to give. One thing is certain though. Eren's father was a man from outside the wall. Erwin suspects it. The expedition will take place after 2 days" Levi informed (Y/N). "Oh" (Y/N) quietly answered. Given that the beast titan, the armoured titan and the colossal titan were still at large, this mission was really dangerous. (Y/N) knew that as long as the colossal titan was there, the wall cannot be sealed. She looked at Levi, watching him sign documents with furrowed eyebrows. "This had to be tough for him, he would have to see more death", (Y/N) thought.

(Y/N) POV

I walked towards Levi and sat on his lap. "I'm not done with paperwork yet" he stated the obvious because I usually sat on his lap before sex. "I know. I just want to hold you." I answered, cupping his face with my hands. He still had a frown on his mouth but his expression was calm and gratified. I ran one of my hands through his soft hair, his undercut brushing against my skin. His eyes were showing a lot of emotions. Fear, sorrow, determination, love, it was a mixture of those.

"Levi, just come back alive. That's all I ask from you. About the titan serum, I know it's hard to make a choice. You deserve better than this but just don't regret any choice you make." I told him, pressing my forehead against his. "I know. I'll be back for you and him." Levi muttered, placing a hand on my stomach. "It could be a 'her' too you know" I stated with a smile. "I don't care as long as it's healthy." Levi said before kissing me. I kissed back, trying to how him my love for him through it. We broke the kiss after a few moments. "Go eat something. Your mouth smells disgusting" he stated as I got off his lap.

I went out to the room to go find some food in the kitchen. The cook was glad to heat up the food that Levi asked them to save for me from lunch. After eating, I decided to make Levi some tea. I walked into the now empty kitchen, as the cook was waiting for me to get my food back then and left when I took it, used a chair to fetch Levi's packet of tea from a cupboard that I otherwise couldn't reach and made some black tea. I poured a cup for him without any sugar and went towards our room. Levi looked at me, his face radiating approval as I set the warm tea in front of him. "I made a good decision" he muttered as he sipped the tea. "Hmm?" I asked him, confused about what decision he was talking about.

"The decision of proposing you if you're wondering what decision I'm talking about." he muttered, breaking my confusion. "It's just tea" I told him with a smile. "Well, it's thoughtful of you. How did you get the tin of tea leaves?" Levi asked after giving one of his rare compliments. "I got on a chair" I answered as I sat on a chair in front of Levi. I didn't have any paperwork today, so, I decided to watch Levi work. "I told you not to get on chairs. What if you fell?" Levi asked me in his usual authoritative voice. "Levi, I fought people while I'm pregnant. Its just a chair" I answered to that.

He was getting more protective every day and even if it was a nice thing, it was sort of annoying. "I forgot to mention. I've set the wedding date at two weeks after the expedition. Hanji begged me to let her do the planning. The furniture are almost ready and will be delivered on the day of the expedition. I need you to get the house decorated" Levi mentioned as he sipped the tea. A smile formed on my face as I thought that even in midst of all the tension, there was a good news.

The next day

The expedition was to take place the next day at evening. The whole Survey corps headquarter was quiet the whole day, everyone trying to acknowledge the fact that they could be walking into their deaths the next day. After all, there weren't many veterans left in the survey corps, the 57th expedition and the breaching of wall Rose took a huge toll on the Survey Corps. The night time expeditions weren't enough to give the new recruits the experience to deal with a vital mission like this one. Every time I thought about the 57th expedition, the image of the old squad Levi's deaths seemed to be projected in front of me.

Too many lives were lost in vain. I however, didn't regret Petra's death. The day went by without much exception from any other day in the survey corps, just helping Levi with his huge stacks of paperwork, that was until, dinner was served. I knew that meat would be served today as Levi mentioned their deal with the Reeves company to me. "Hanji got Flegel Reeves to get all those brats meat for the night before the expedition. I managed to cut a deal about free tea leaves" he said while we were working our way through the stacks of paperwork. As expected, the whole crowd were fighting over the meat, even after Sasha was tied up. I however, gagged at the smell of it.

I still stuffed myself with as much as I can without puking as I probably won't get the chance to eat beef anytime soon, given that its rare and expensive. Way too much expensive. A fight between Jean and Eren broke out a while later, which lasted for a while till Levi got up and kicked them in the stomach, with Jean puking as a result. Knowing very well that the smell would make me puke, I got out of the dining hall as fast as possible. I went to Levi's room, waited for him for a while and went back out to search for him. I found him sitting at a corner of the survey corps headquarter, behind a wall. On the other side of the wall, Armin was talking to Eren and Mikasa about how they would see the so called "ocean". They used to talk about it back in the trainee corps days.

Levi looked at me, a mug of alcohol in his hand as I sat beside him. He didn't say anything and we kept listening to the trio, their voices so excited as they talked about their dreams. Levi took a chug from his mug as he got a hand around my waist, pulling me closer. The trio left after a while. "Why didn't you drink back at our room?" I asked him. "I assumed that you would feel left out." he simply answered, finishing off his mug. We sat there silently for a while before Levi spoke up again. "They remind me of Farlan and Isabelle. Farlan was so curious about the world up here while Isabelle just wanted freedom from the confined underground. I just wanted to make sure their dreams came true. Now that they aren't here anymore, I don't even know why I'm still fighting. Probably because Erwin convinced me to follow him. He surely sees something beyond the walls that I can't." Levi sighed before looking at me and asking, "What do you think about this so called 'ocean'? Do you want to see it too?".

"I'm not fighting for something like that. I don't care if all there is out of the wall is more barren land. I just want to make sure that I won't loose my family ever again. The titans took my parents from me. I can't loose any more. However, it seems like everyone I care about is risking their lives for the same cause..." I muttered. "(Y/N), let's go back. I don't want you to catch a cold" Levi announced before getting up, not looking drunk at all. That man had an amazing alcohol tolerance.

The next day

I woke up late. Levi was already gone. If they didn't feed us that goddamned meat last night, I wouldn't have been puking all day and sleeping like a log due to fatigue. I dressed up as fast as possible, hoping to find the survey corps battalion still rallied up. I ran to the stable, got on my horse and galloped towards the wall of Trost. The battalion wasn't gone yet but they were being carried over the wall by lifts. I hoped that Levi and Uncle Erwin weren't gone yet. I took my horse to a nearby stable, paid a stable boy to look after it and ran towards the rally. I saw Levi, Uncle Erwin and Hanji waiting for the lift with their squads.

I walked towards them and asked Levi, "Why didn’t you wake me up?". " You didn't look like you wanted to be waken" he simply answered, receiving a sigh from me. "Anyway, I was here to wish you all good luck." I smiled at them. "Hanji, don't be reckless or die. I need to go shop for a wedding dress with you." I told Hanji as she gave me a small smile. Everyone here were wearing solemn expressions. Levi squad walked towards me before I was able to say anything to Uncle Erwin. "Did you come to see us off?" Connie asked me with a smile. "Yes I did. You guys, don't die." I told them, giving them all a big group hug.

"Oi Mikasa, protect them too along with Eren" I told Mikasa as she nodded at me. "We aren't kids (Y/N)..." Eren started but was cut off by Jean who was saying something about respecting the fact that I care. I slipped away from the group and walked back to Uncle Erwin and Levi. "Uncle Erwin, promise me you'll be back alive. I need you at my wedding" I told Uncle Erwin. He smiled at me as he put on his hand on my shoulder before saying, "I won't miss it for the world". Happy with his answer, I turned to Levi and told him, "Don't die, okay?". " I won't" he replied. "Make sure uncle Erwin comes back" I told him. "I will" he answered as he was called to get on the lift.

[AUTHOR'S NOTE: Well, we all know what would happen to Erwin... Well, in respect for him, I'll be writing my second spin off chapter, the one which states of the time (Y/N) spent in the orphanage after the fall of wall Maria before jumping into Erwin's death. I'm trying to give (Y/N) some character development before working my way up to new chapters where she will be leading her own squad in future expeditions.]

To be continued...

Taglist: @reality-is-often-disappointing, @kingtamakimurder