#i'd talk about this to my parents but they'll just tell me to pray more LOL. maybe that's what im missing. maybe they're right

[invisibleraven]

Secret relationship prompt!!! Omg this is fun. 23, rarepair of your choice

After Alex comes out to his parents, he spends less and less time at home, and more and more time in Bobby's garage. Here, he has his friends, a decent selection of snacks, and no judgement over his desire to kiss boys.

That last one is kind of important, since his parents hadn't taken him being gay very well. There was a lot of pray for his mortal soul and talk of hellfire, most of which Alex drowned out with Rush and Whitney Houston.

But the garage was his sanctuary.

One afternoon, it was just him and Bobby. Luke had a dentist appointment and Reggie had to take Alfie to a swimming lesson. So Alex was sat at this drums, tapping out a simple rhythm while Bobby was lying back on the couch, nose in a book.

"Not heading out then?" Bobby asked from behind the pages.

"Nope," Alex replied, popping the p. "You want me to stop playing though or need to kick me out, just say the word."

"Nah, hang as long as you want, you're not bothering me. Heck, stay for dinner if you want, lola always makes too much." Bobby gave him a sidelong glance. "You can sleep over too. I know how much your parents are being sucky."

"I say they'd call the cops if they knew I was staying over with another boy. Or Father Thomas," Alex snarked. "But dinner sounds nice. Celia is a way better cook than my mom."

"Cool." Bobby then went back to his book, and Alex to his drums. But soon enough he got bored, and went over to the couch, sliding himself under Bobby's feet.

"Read to me."

"I'm half way through the book, you won't know what's going on."

"That doesn't matter, I just like hearing you talk."

"Okay weirdo," Bobby said, but Alex could see the pleased little grin on his face, and then he started reading. Sure, Alex didn't have a damn clue what the book was about or what was going on, but Bobby's voice was soft and soothing, making him feel comfortable and relaxed.

Later, they'd go in and join Celia for a meal, and she assured him she'd straighten it out with his parents to let him stay. Even gave him a hug, and it felt like home in way his own house hadn't in so long.

They squeezed into Bobby's double bed, his little TV playing some sitcom or another as background noise.

"Hey Al?"

Alex turned his head, and could see Bobby's fingers twisting in the duvet, but he knew touching him right now would get him to shut down. Just grunted in response to let him know he was listening.

"What's it like to kiss a guy?"

"No clue."

"Really?"

"I don't exactly have a lot of options lining up and offering themselves for smooches here Robin," Alex snarked, then blew out a breath. "I'm sure it's a lot like kissing a girl, only with facial hair and stinkier breath. But... probably way nicer for me, because I want to kiss them. Not have to for the sake of some game of spin the bottle or coming out ball ritual."

"There are balls when you come out? Shit, were we supposed to throw you a ball?" Bobby asked, looking almost mildly panicked.

"Not the same kind of coming out. This is debutante shit for my parents' country club. I had to escort Marianna Whelan last spring and she conned me into a kiss. It was very sloppy and kinda gross. I'd rather have kissed her brother Fritz, but that would have been the scandal of the year."

"Is there anyone you wanna kiss now?"

"Why, are you offering?" Alex quipped, but then he saw the shy look on Bobby's face. "Shit, you are. God Bobbers, I'd love to kiss you, but you're also my best friend. I don't wanna fuck that up."

"You won't," Bobby said, turning on his side so he was facing Alex. "It's just a kiss. To see if we like it. We don't have to tell anyone, not even Luke and Reggie. I know they'll be supportive, but..."

"They'd make a big deal out of it," Alex finished. "You sure?"

Bobby nodded, and Alex scooted in closer, his big hand tilting Bobby's chin up, the light of the TV painting his skin a pale blue, catching on the angles and making him look captivating. Alex let his eyes flutter closed, and press his lips in.

The kiss was a little dry, a mere peck. But Bobby pressed in further, opening up a little, his tongue teasing over the seam of Alex's mouth. Then it was in Alex's mouth.

Bobby tasted like toothpaste and the plain chap stick he'd applied before bed. He had the faintest traces of stubble lining his jaw and upper lip.

It was so different from kissing Marianna.

And so much better.

Eventually they pulled apart, blinking at one another. "Verdict?" Alex whispered, not wanting to break the moment with loudness.

"I liked it," Bobby surmised. "Not sure if it was because it was with a boy, or if it was because it was with you, but I liked it." He paused a moment, licking over his lips again. "I think I'm okay not knowing, but only if I can keep kissing you."

Alex grinned and pulled him in for a second kiss. Wetter and a bit less polished, but glorious all the same.

They fell asleep, lips brushing together and tingling. They still didn't know if the kissing was so great because of the circumstances or the other boy, but they figured they could do a few more experiments to find out.

In the end, they decided it didn't really matter. They just knew that they liked kissing one another.

And when they ended up getting caught kissing, Luke and Reggie did have a minor freak out, until they confessed they had known since almost the beginning, and wished them nothing but happiness.

But they totally also threw a mock coming out ball for the two of them in the garage, which Alex scowled at, but also admitted was the sweetest gesture that allowed him to have a new untainted memory of the tradition as he swayed with his new boyfriend to the music.

And treasured the photo Reggie took of the two of them kissing in their suits for the rest of his life.

[automatismoateo]

My Parents are planning on getting rich from their Church. via /r/atheism

My Parents are planning on getting rich from their Church. I'm sorry for basically venting on this sub. This will be my last post regarding my family. I just want to get this last thing off my chest. Just now in the kitchen my Mom was gleefully telling me what the Lord apparently told her in a dream Last night. She says that Me and her are called together to preach his word and I'm supposed to help her. She says that the money we receive where we go to preach will be split between us and the church 50/50. She was dancing and talking about how God has promised to bless her because she passed her test (kicking me out of the house a year and a half ago because apparently I was her Isaac and she proved that she loved God more than me by doing that). Apparently everyone else in our old church and many others have failed God but she passed ( I allegedly passed too but it's only because of her prayers for me). She says she has now been upgraded spiritually and can now cure demons from any child/teen in her presence. Neither of my parents work and growing up they always condemned prosperity preaching and getting rich off the church. I was so confused and horrified listening to their plans of getting rich, the sudden switch up. She told me that God told her they'd see so much money that they'll be walking on it. 10% is meant to go to my Dad from the tithes and offerings and my mom receives half of the donations guest speakers gets She says that next year a new generation of people will be used to preach God's word because the last generation failed him (naturally I'm amongst the new generation of spiritual leaders and the reason for this is because my mother prayed for me while I was gone so I'd stay "pure" and prayed away all the men who wanted to steal my virginity (lol) ) I'm just so appalled and disgusted by what they're saying. I didn't want to bring up the whole "it is ieasier for a camel to pas through the eye of a needle than..." because I didn't want to start anything. But I don't want to get rich from the church or be rich or famous in general. I don't want any part of this but my Mom insists that my calling is to help her. I kinda wanna name drop them and their church so in case they actually do succeed they'll be exposed. All of this and I'M the evil, demonic Atheist? 😂 Submitted December 29, 2023 at 04:31PM by Distinct_Machine3433 (From Reddit https://ift.tt/WRZ3JOr)

[proxylynn]

Warning: Rant/Vent

Good news: my gums are almost completely sealed up, and I can eat whatever I want now.

Bad news: A crown implants on one of my OTHER teeth popped off, because apparently there's a cavity there. So they put it back on...

But it's BROKEN.

They put a broken implant on PURPOSE.

So I can eat, but my tooth is shifted to where it's like my jaw has an underbite (like an overbite, but reverse.)

So since my teeth are fucked up, I can eat whatever I want, but I have to eat sloooooowllly. Or else it feels super unfortunate (but not painful.)

So, I tell my mom, and basically she's like "Well be thankful you're not in pain anymore."

(Which yeah, but I'm still uncomfortable cause my jaw is fucked up.)

And my dad is basically doing a pain competition, countering my teeth uncomfortableness with "Well, I had surgery and am going to get another tomorrow"

I'm not trying to complete in injuries, I'm just saying my teeth suck!

And I have to wait a MONTH, to fix my broken tooth, which may lead me back to square one where I can't eat much again.

And on TOP of all else, I'm in college, and my grades are ASS because I've been in pain and almost haven't turned in jack shit. (And didn't even do my midterm.)

And if I fail this semester, I'll owe my college OVER $1,000.

So, I walked into my bedroom...

Closed the door quietly so no one would notice and ask what I was doing...

(And basically just say "pray about it" and walk away thinking "I'm such a good parent".)

And began silently sobbing.

(I'm almost on the verge of crying right now.)

After a good 30-45 minutes, I stopped, went to the bathroom to wash my face so my eyes would stop being red, and didn't even bother trying to eat.

(I'm in my bed now @ 11:32PM, and couldn't eat dinner.)

All of my thoughts are crowded in my head, fighting over my attention, and my intrusive thoughts aren't helping...but I don't have anyone to ask for help.

My parents? I already know they'll basically just say "Read the Bible and pray about it."

So I don't bother. And they think everything's fine, and if you know me in person or on social media--

(follow me on Tumblr creaturefeatureanimation and Twitter @phonehome_e lol)

I do try to be that person of "hyper friendliness" (as Lynsie herself said to me in my Twitter DMs once).

And I do make people believe I'm all good by making them smile or laugh. Turns out it's easier to make others feel good than yourself. That's actually kinda funny.. ha... Heh... Heh...

Well, since I don't have anyone to talk to, boyfriend(s) to the rescue with words of love and comfort.

(Which just shows I have a good imagination.)

I just wish I could talk to someone face to face.

[Oh Ann. Dear sweet Ann. How I wish I knew better ways to comfort others. Alas, this reality we have spawned in has us failed in so many ways. If I could, I'd be there to at the most be offering hugs and a shoulder for you to lean on as you tell me your worries. I'm sorry that once more your teeth are being a hindrance. I hope your school is even just a bit more understanding how crippling pain can be a work killer. And when it comes to your folks...That one I wish I knew something, anything at all, that would shine a light on them into understanding you better. I am in no means a doctor in any sense. I struggle with mental well-being and physical sometimes too. But if my dumbass can do anything, I hope it is to provide a space in which venting troubles is safe. Where if needed, I can be a fictional character that provides you with sweet words that you deserve to hear. This world is flawed. It's more difficult to maintain one's self than tending to the needs of others. So, if needed, I will offer what I can to make you smile. *hugs*]

[shoekinn]

talking in the tags 💯

[dramatic-and-damned]

I was taking a long time to do my homework because I can't focus with the brightness of my laptop being too bright, I can't lower it since the button's broken so it's just like this. It's uncomfortable and glaring to my eyes.

They saw me hanging out here, they stalk me by looking outside my window and I can't see them when they do that because they're behind me. I was hanging out here because there's no dark mode in my school site but there is here so it's better for my eyes and they went to a whole rant about how I don't take care for myself because I don't study and that everything is the phone's fault and I'm just making everything up and the whole 9 page essay I made was useless and stupid so ;-;

yh I'm just gonna *hops into a barrel and gets chucked into a waterfall

for context on what the 9 page essay is and the doctor's appointment is about, I think I might be autistic and have ADHD os I want to get diagnosed, the 9 page essay is what I made to ensure I get a proper diagnosis because if not they're just going to say I'm making things up and that everything's my phones fault

aside from that as I told my parents about how I suspected I'm autistic and might have adhd they said that if I get too difficult to raise they'll abandon me and they said that they just wanted to be honest since I was being honest about my suspicion on me being autistic and 💀 ok ig I'm the new orphan MC

another thing that pissed me off was that they said that if the doctor tells me to stop talking I should do so immediately because I'd disturb her, ofc I understand there's other patients etc BUT from all the years I've went to that doctor she'd quickly diagnose me in less that 10-15 minutes and for the next HOUR chat and gossip with my parents about shit so if she has time to gossip about how her husband's cheating on her then she has time to listen to me because that's her job, she needs to listen to everything or most at least so she can properly diagnose me

though I'm pretty sure she won't and just send me home saying my gadgets should be taken away and how I should pray and everything would be ok ;-;

...the fuck.

Ok one how DARE they call a 9 page essay useless and how DARE they say they might abandon you? What kind of shit parenting is this? I mean I know parents who just plain out refuse to consider a child's mental health (like mine) BUT THIS???

Oh and the doctor...that husband definitely ain't more important than her own fucking patient. My god...Morris, if you don't mind me asking..but do you know how many years later you have left to move out to be by yourself?

[punkscowardschampions]

Nancy & Rio

Nancy: Hey Nancy: how's all the prep going? Rio: Oh my God Rio: it feels good to talk to someone over the age of 12, put it that way Rio: its getting there but I might not 🤪🥴😵 Nancy: same cos Buster's acting like a 5 year old rn Nancy: I wish I was there helping Rio: Travelling brings out the worst in 'em Rio: if I have to see an airport with mine this year, too soon 😬❌ Rio: we could use your 👀 Rio: I'm sure there will still be shit to do when you all get here Nancy: Did your dad convince your mum about a honeymoon though? Nancy: Asking cos I wanna steal you away for a while Nancy: When I get there I'm gonna have so many 📷 to set up and take but I'll definitely make time for any finishing touches there are Rio: 😘😘😘 Rio: s'more convincing nan and granddad that your parents and the rest will help out controlling the masses whilst they're off 🎔☽ Rio: a reason we can NEVER find a babysitter 🙄 Nancy: Oh come on! If my mum gets involved they'll be perfect 😇s Rio: 😂 Rio: I'd be happy to test the theory Rio: going to be so good to see you again! Nancy: Me too if it'd get her off my back 🙄 Nancy: I've missed you so much! Rio: Uh-oh, what's the latest crusade with her? Rio: Girl, same! So much catching up Nancy: Who can keep track? This week it's something about how I spend too much time in my room Nancy: Like doesn't she realise I don't sleep in a cell? I have everything I need Rio: Right? Rio: At least we're past grounding, was such a laughable punishment when its not the 50s or something, please Nancy: malted milkshakes and jukeboxes yes, the rest of the 50s, no Rio: But you'd look so fetching in a circle skirt 😉 Rio: what are you wearing though Rio: I've been so busy making sure the kids are actually clothed that I'm not remotely ready, ugh Nancy: Also less likely to be hatecrimed when it's just gals being pals 😉 Nancy: [a pic of her outfit cos we don't have one yet gang] Nancy: oh my god if you're not joking dad better start speeding! You really need my help ASAP Rio: Don't rub it in, or I'll be at the back of the bus heckling you Rio: me and all MY #sistas Rio: 😍 you look so good, I'll ignore your white feminism if you tell him to step on it Nancy: 😳 x 10000 like Nancy: But I'll demand it Rio: 🧡 Rio: Its a mood, catch me stealthing down the aisle at the back, please, steal the show, kids Nancy: 💚 Nancy: Honestly I feel nervous & I don't have to do the walk/nobody's gonna be looking at me Rio: Awh, don't be Rio: Honestly, everything is so extra, no one will know where to look Rio: you know them Nancy: I was safe to assume that Junie isn't answering me cos he's 😳 x 10000000 then, yeah? Rio: No doubt Rio: I can't even find him to tell him to reply Rio: if I spot him Nancy: It's fine I'll see him soon anyway Rio: God bless him Nancy: I need out of this car now & away from all of them Rio: I can feel the tension from here, babe Nancy: If he spends another sec on speaker talking to his friends about last night's party I will have to throw his phone out of the window Rio: Eww Rio: your brother is 1000% gonna be THAT businessman on the train that wants everyone to hear his convo Nancy: I know Rio: then pops a few blood vessels when someone tells him otherwise Rio: you poor thing, forreal Nancy: He got into a fight at the party over some girl 🙄 But of course the other lad was the only one hurt Nancy: How am I related to this idiot? Rio: How have your parents not turned the car around or at least threatened to Nancy: He doesn't wanna come which means he is, no matter what Nancy: Even if he was 🤕 Rio: Also do you live in Chelsea or a bad American teen drama Rio: the dramatics 😂 Nancy: Right? But it's me getting lectured by my mother regularly Nancy: your favouritism is showing again Rio: We all like you better, don't worry babe Nancy: thanks Nancy: if your parents wanna adopt me, now is good Rio: What's one more is pratically the family motto so why not Rio: you'll have to miss all the WILD parties and the even wilder bants Rio: reckon you'll survive? Nancy: just about Rio: Be honest Rio: if I go to town right now, what are the odds of the kids staying semi-presentable? Nancy: It'd be single figures Nancy: like 5% maybe Rio: Yeah Rio: but even less chance of me getting something wearable if I ask my boy to bring something with him, right? Nancy: Unless he's very fashion forward Nancy: You could tell him to go to ours and raid my wardrobe? Rio: Such a humblebrag, Nancy McKenna 😏 Nancy: If you don't want my advice or designer labels, don't ask, like Rio: 😂 Rio: how is it possible I have nothing suitable in my whole ass wardrobe Nancy: This family has had a surprisingly few weddings in our lifetime Nancy: & there's no chance of you re-purposing what you wore to my parents' big day all those years ago so Nancy: I'll make a detour and pick something up for you Nancy: if you trust me Rio: The amount of sin is truly unholy Rio: my grandma be 😠 at all these heathens Rio: and that feels like forever ago Rio: dread to think what I was rocking but at least I was cute Nancy: So 😢 I couldn't bring a date to meet your grandma she sounds lovely Nancy: [finds a pic of the baze wedding like] Nancy: you were the cutest! Look! Rio: Love the sinner, hate the sin, sweetie 😘 Rio: Oh lord Nancy: Says you but what happened to ME? Nancy: I'm like a different person rn and it's not a glow up Rio: Shh, you look beautiful, are you kidding Nancy: I look like my parents are into medieval torture & put me on a rack Nancy: not cute Rio: Oh 'cos being tall is so unappealing Rio: all those leggy supermodels, YUCK Nancy: 😂 Rio: Anyone saying different is obviously jealous Nancy: How very teen drama Nancy: the girl who hates me really loves me 💋 Rio: better start loudly talking about that Rio: your 'rents will be so proud Nancy: They aren't likely to hear me over Buster's dramatic playlist 🎶 Rio: Now you're just making shit up 😂 Nancy: [records him as proof hey boy hey looking like a moody fuckboy snack over there no doubt] Rio: He really did just look at the window like a music video, huh Rio: also praying you make it here unmurdered now, girl 🙏🤞 Nancy: He wouldn't dare start a fight with us in our finery 👗👠 mum & dad would kill him Nancy: or I could with the 👠 Rio: Gotta stay favourite, yeah Nancy: definitely Rio: catch me being no ones 'cos I'm not coming Rio: see you tomorrow, like 👋 Nancy: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo Nancy: you have to Nancy: don't leave me with my evil twin Rio: 😩 but Rio: so over this before its begun Nancy: please Ri Nancy: I'll make it fun somehow Rio: There's no escape anyhow Rio: so many people here already just 👀 @ me Rio: I'm not putting on a fucking poofy dress I'm sorry Nancy: you don't have to Nancy: bridesmaid but keep it fashion Rio: I tried on some actual bridesmaid dresses but I felt so stupid Rio: why is it all floor-length and fucking Rio: the excess material Rio: I don't wanna drown in tulle, I'm not 5 Nancy: gross Nancy: I promise to never get married first of all Nancy: second of all I'm gonna make sure you look 🔥 today so Rio: 🧡🧡🧡 Rio: I've got to start on the drinks now though, sorry Nancy: show me what's in your wardrobe & I'll try & remember what's in mine Rio: I love you but you remember what I said about floor-length? Nancy: okay okay just yours then Nancy: come on, I can do this Rio: [does] Rio: but honestly, fuck it Nancy: there's so much I could make work Nancy: & no reason for us both to hate our outfits Rio: I won't hate it, I'll just be hated Rio: mainly by my grandma 💁 Nancy: as soon as Buster arrives his attitude will pull focus Nancy: plenty to keep your grandma busy in this car Rio: He'd never be that nice to me Rio: even unintentionally Nancy: I will then Nancy: thinking of a scene to cause as we speak Rio: 😏 Rio: such a shame there'll be no hot girls there you aren't related to 💔 Nancy: if only hitchhikers were still a thing Rio: So predatory for a 13 year old Rio: flip that script honey Nancy: it's the lesbian way Nancy: ask every girl at my school Rio: Ugh, turning their backs in the changing room is it? Rio: like half of 'em have got anything to hide, people are ridiculous Nancy: Yeah Rio: Its more than that then Nancy: It's not a story for today Rio: Later Rio: when you've caught up Nancy: when I've taken my make up off maybe Nancy: it took a really long time Rio: it looks 🔥 Nancy: it's not too much, right? You'd tell me Rio: Of course Rio: but it so isn't, its great Nancy: thanks Nancy: a benefit of doing it in February, our faces won't melt off & I'm not sunburnt Rio: They've thought of you at least Rio: love that Nancy: I'll try & remember to thank them too, like Rio: Thank whichever God made you gay too Rio: boys are such dicks Nancy: I got stuck with a brother so I'd still suffer Nancy: probably won't 🙏 Rio: Well you can ignore him Rio: sure you both prefer it that way Nancy: You can ignore any boys you want Nancy: or don't want Rio: Nah Rio: not when I'm this hard to ignore yeah Nancy: all the more reason Nancy: when you look like you look you can take your pick Rio: I already have, that's what I'm saying Nancy: & they're still dicks? Rio: He is Nancy: So dump him Nancy: there must be some boys in existence who aren't Rio: Eh Rio: None as cute Nancy: Gross Rio: Shut up 🙄 Nancy: if you wanna talk about boys you've come to the wrong place Rio: excuse me Rio: you've literally talked about your hitchhiker fantasy so you can deal with it Nancy: I don't have a fantasy I was trying to think of a diversion to horrify your grandma Rio: Sure Nancy: It's a shame Buster would never swap outfits with me Nancy: a move like that really would pull focus from what you're wearing Rio: I hate to break it to you but not really Rio: already got so many chicks in suits Rio: you know this is MY parents wedding, not yours Nancy: but how many boys in dresses do you have? Rio: I'll check Rio: my parents have weird friends, babe Rio: and have you met my siblings like Rio: your the normie branch of the fam, no amount of lesbian angst is changing that for you, I'm so sorry Nancy: at least they have friends, mine have co-dependence Nancy: and yeah, I'm trying to get adopted in, remember? Rio: 😍 romantic Rio: we'll swap Rio: I need the break Nancy: you and Buster would kill each other in seconds Nancy: but if you can survive long enough to end him I support it Rio: Duh Nancy: I've heard 'you should see the other guy' enough to be sure it's bullshit Nancy: you can take him Rio: I know Rio: trust me Nancy: he hasn't lost a 🥊 for ages it's way past due Rio: Weddings always end in a scrap Rio: may as well take it for the team honestly Nancy: fights & drunken displays happen whenever this family gets together Nancy: again, take your pick Rio: I'm not drunk but tah for the faith, babe Nancy: it's early still Rio: 😒 Nancy: they are all driving me to drink & I don't even Rio: Slainte Nancy: exactly Rio: Fuck it, I'm going town Nancy: do you have time? Rio: Sure Nancy: Then yeah go Rio: ✌ see you when you get here Nancy: I'll find you as soon as we show up Rio: Do Rio: I'll be the bombshell Nancy: I'll be the awkward ginger Nancy: 💚💋 Rio: 🧡💋

[jazzminte]

never mind, i'll just keep my whatsapp status writings as screenshots in my gallery lol let's talk about what's really going down rn: i'm listening to the ultimate sad hours playlist i made i think some time around last year...? or was it 2 years ago? but most the songs there are what i'd relate to my parents... which just made me realize how before i started grieving over this whole breakup shenanigan, i was always dealing with the turmoils that is the relationship between me, my mother, my dad, and both of them.

like, i'd really spent almost ALL my life focusing on this unresolved trauma solely, that i had zero to little time for anything outside of it. and in this case, namely anything related to romance. sure i've had my fair share of crushes before (only 2) and flings (just quick crushes that would last for 2 weeks max, these ones had been way too many i'd lost count 😭) but because i've never been seriously and romantically involved with anyone, i guess this is why listening to this playlist is kinda making me realize that my sole focus in life has always been different than what i've been focusing on lately. like. it's always been bigger than just a romantic relationship turning out bad, it's always been about the relationship i have with my parents.

IDK HOW ELSE TO EXPLAIN THIS IN A WAY THAT SHOULD BE MORE COMPREHENSIBLE BUT. for almost all my life i'd been so focused on the pain caused by the very ones who'd brought me into this world, that the breakup pain is starting to feel a little insignificant now. it's like, if i could survive the pain of whatever it is i had got going on with my parents, who's to say i won't survive something as trivial as a breakup?

sure, breakups are so fucking difficult to get over, ESPECIALLY one where the relationship had zero to little flaws, especially when the partner in question had zero to little red flags, especially when the love that was nurtured was nothing short of genuine. tapi faham tak, selama ni my life has been revolving around the fact that my first heartbreak came from my mother, my dad and just both of them, that a heartbreak from a romantic relationship kinda feels like it falls short now.

WEH DIA CAM. aku ni survived getting my heart broken MULTIPLE TIMES by my parents tau. by my mom, by my dad. tetiba rasa cam apa lah sangat heartbreak from a romantic partner en? especially one where you just have a strong feeling that they'll come back when they're ready, that they really are made for you based on what your heart has been telling you to pray for, based on your gerakan hati, based on your faith in god and His plans.

SO DIA MACAM. YA ALLAH. god is truly the greatest. sebab en, up until just a few hours ago, i was still crying sebab duk rindu amyrull syafiq and how he was and how we were and how he now feels like a stranger TAPI BILA FIKIR BALIK aku ni survived through all these years weh. through my self harms, suicidal thoughts, depression, mental illnesses, MENTAL BREAKDOWNS...

my first heartbreak didn't even come from amyrull syafiq. it came from my own Mother. pastu nak cakap yang i ni wouldn't be strong enough to get over the breakup en. WEH AYUNNI JASMINE. YOU ARE STRONGER THAN THIS. (you still need professional help and therapy but at least now we're getting there!! alhamdulillah!!! small steps!!!) BUT YEAH. AYUNNI JASMINE. YOU CAN SURVIVE THROUGH THIS ONE TOO. YOU SURVIVED THE EMOTIONAL, MENTAL, PHYSICAL TURMOIL CAUSED BY YOUR OWN PARENTS KOT, apa lah sangat the turmoil caused by your relationship with your kesayangan amyrull syafiq.

pape pun, if it's meant to be, it will be. the fact that you're still praying for him is a sign in and of itself too.

cuba tengok balik, you've never really prayed for your 2nd crush pun 😭 you just wrote about him, almost endlessly. tapi faham je la you had such strong feelings kot. tak ayunni jasmine la kalau dah fall for someone she'd fall Hard. and sure, you've prayed for your first ever serious crush on that hs senior all those years ago, but for the record you were 14 and you also prayed that if he wasn't meant for you, you'd lose feelings for him, kan? and you'd lost them sooo long ago, i think back in 2016? GOOD FOR YOU. for your cfs classmate pun dah lama lost feelings kan? ever since he got a gf in 2019 pun. sure the feelings Almost got rekindled earlier in jan this year, TAPI TU PUN SEBAB YOU WEREN'T SURE IF HE STILL HAD A GF, AND YOU WERE JUST LONELY KAN LOL

but mannn. oh mannnnnnn. meeting amyrull syafiq, getting to know him, falling in love with him, feeling loved by him, nurturing unconditional love for him, TRULY. AND I MEAN THIS FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART. TRULY IS MY BIGGEST BLESSING. biggest after my bestest friends weh... huge, HUGE blessing.

ya Allah, the Most Loving, the Most Merciful, the Most Generous, the Most Giving. i thank you, for letting Amyrull Syafiq, and all that encompasses him, (his friends etc) into my life. for giving me a chance to love him, to feel and receive his love, for allowing me to love him still after everything, i truly thank You.

[seacreek]

I don't want to write anything where irl friends would see (no one is gonna see this here anyway) but I need to get this out of me.

Liiiikeeeee

I was (am?) literally the most suicidal I've ever been in my life today (is today over if it's 2 am?) and not only can I tell that to NO ONE, but it's like God was fucking rubbing it my face all day. I actually laughed at one point bc I was driving behind someone thinking of whether I should try to do it at home or somewhere else when I noticed their license plate said KYS and then a mashup of my birthday numbers.

But like I've already been feeling this building bc I'm behind on bills and have no heat and it's gonna snow soon and it's the holidays which remind me that my family is all spread out and I don't really talk to my parents anymore and somedays I talk to no one at all but my cat and my life is going NOWHERE with no way to change that but to work myself even harder when I don't even feel like I have anything at all to give anymore.

And I already felt like calling out bc even though I chose to work Thanksgiving yesterday knowing I'd be the only one there, it was still depressing to know that normal people are with friends and family and I'm not. But I also didn't want to take up my neighbors/friends on their offers to join them bc I did that last year and got all the questions about what I was doing with my life and at the time I actually believed I'd be going back to school the next year but now I realize how I can't possibly afford that without accepting help from someone which would BE my neighbors bc my parents would not help and I can't pay for it alone. And I can't accept help from them bc I feel like I would just get overwhelmed and depressed and flunk out and waste their money anyway. And the other reason I couldn't go over there/can't is bc I already feel like such a burden to them. They do all this nice stuff for me all the time and I catch myself even EXPECTING it at times which is fucking disgusting. Even if I'm grateful and say thank you, it's not like they owe me anything just bc I have no one else to give it to me. So I need to stop accepting their help and gifts, but then I know they are judging me for that bc even though their really nice, they are also super judgmental and they really like me bc they think I have "potential", but if they knew that I'm actually just a natural born idiot and failure, they'd never want to talk to me in the first place. And also it's unhealthy probably how much I rely on their validation bc since I've known them since I was little, I'm almost using them as surrogate parents which is also fucked up bc they are not my parents, they have their own kids who actually have their lives together unlike me who is just like a pet project of theirs.

Soooo anyway I already had all this on my mind and more going into work today and when I get there, I look at the schedule and realize everyone called out but me!!!!

And so I had to make a frankenstein schedule out of all of theirs to prioritize what needed to get done and was still trying to do little favors for people in between that I didn't want to disappoint bc it wasn't their fault that their staff wasn't there to do it with them and it was getting super overwhelming. And then I'm super sensitive so when I'd have to tell someone that I COULDN'T do something extra for them that they really were looking forward to, it was already punching me in the gut to see their disappointment. But then the worst part is that they don't fully get that I'm not just choosing to do that out of spite, but I legitimately had negative amounts of time to get everything done so they would blame me for what I couldn't do for them. EVEN THOUGH I WAS WORKING LIKE 4 SCHEDULES IN 1. Like they don't have the capacity to think past what's in front of them sometimes which I understand it's not their fault, but it SUCKS bc then they are pissed at me even though I'm running around like a chicken with its head cut off trying to do everything for everyone and keep them all happy and they should really be annoyed with my coworkers who didn't come in but I didn't even throw them under the bus bc it wouldn't have mattered anyway. I'm the person in front of them who is "refusing to do what they ask" so it's my fault.

So that's how my day is going everywhere I go as I rush from person to person and place to place, answering calls, improvising on the spot, and constantly having to tell someone that whatever they had planned on today isn't possible and dealing with the result of that. And the WHOLE TIME I am DAYDREAMING about how I'm gonna kill myself when I get home. Maybe slit my wrists, wait no my leg because I know I'll chicken out on the wrists, wait no, I'll drive out to the ocean and just swim out until I'm drowning too far out to save myself, wait no, what bridges could I jump from let me google that, wait no, I could take all of the pills at home together but then I might throw them up so wait no, maybe I'll drag this out and just not eat or drink til I just die nah that takes too long etc etc etc. And I'm really thinking this is gonna happen tonight bc I already wrote a letter monday or tuesday and I'm sure they'll find that pretty fast when they look in my journals so I don't even have to worry about that part, just the doing. So I'm contemplating my end of life and getting more anxious and sad with every hour passing bc I'm really thinking this is it, this is the day I'm out. But really I keep getting caught up bc my CAT who is sadly the one being on earth that I love who could never understand, is at home. And I'm thinking about how if I kill myself while she's there and it takes time for people to realize I'm missing/find me, she will be sad/hungry/thirsty in the meantime. Which is so unecessary and all of my suicide plans get scrapped if they involve direct trauma of another being and she's the one that means the most, so how could I be so selfish as to not make a plan for her?

So I'm thinking of how I have to sneak her to my sister's place while she's still at work and that's stressful enough but more so bc then I'll have a time limit on getting this done bc as soon as she comes home and sees kaiya there without me and no explanation, she'll start blowing up my phone and when I don't answer, she'll call someone. And I don't want to do that in a pressured state, I need time to process everything and think about life and what I'm doing. Plus, what if I decide not to??? (Which is what ended up happening for tonight anyway) I would've done all that for nothing and then had to confess when she found kaiya anyway and have to go to a psych ward or something which would just ruin my life faster but make it harder to get out.

So I'm thinking ALL this ALL day while working my ass off yet still disappointing everyone and swallowing tears that would turn into sobs every hour until it's time to go home.

Then I drive home and even though I pray to God to send me some sign that he cares, he doesn't.

At this point, I've already lost the fire under me so I know this is another night where I just get through it, cuddle kaiya, and wake up the next day to do it all over and I've accepted that in a way.

Then 1 am rolls around and my sister calls me to say she stopped by a party where she ran into my old best friend and friends from high school. None of whom cared enough about me to even ask what I was up to these days, even though they were talking to my SISTER. And that whole growing apart thing took such a toll on me mentally and I do feel like I'm over it now these days, but it still brought up these gross sad feelings of when I was first realizing that they didn't really care about me anymore and then fully understanding that I didn't matter to them. Which hurt SO MUCH bc they were a ride or die for me, like I would have done anything for them and I never even DOUBTED they didn't feel the same until it was so obvious I had to stop pretending around it. And that fucked with ALL of my relationships with people. Every single friend I had, I started pulling away from bc I was so insecure in myself that I felt like I had to get away from them before they had the chance to drop me which I now felt was inevitable. To this day, I feel like I have a body count of of people that I desperately want to talk to, but don't let myself bc I feel like they don't deserve to have to put up with a person as shitty and worthless as me. And I do that in every possible relationship I have, platonic, romantic, and even familial. And I can't blame them for that bc they were just a normal person growing apart from someone I guess, but I think it triggered something laying dormant in me so badly that it was actually the catalyst for my inability to connect with other people in meaningful ways. I never meet a new person anymore with the belief that they will be in my life for more than a few years at most. Most people I expect to be gone within a week or two. My walls are up so high that it's actually selfish that I even talk to people at all bc I only end up hurting them when I pull away for seemingly no reason at all. And I'm too much of a coward to tell them that there's nothing wrong with them, I just can't get that close to people anymore. Like it actually makes me physically sick to think of carrying on normal relationships with people which is SO fucked. But then I turn into the villain bc I'm worried that they'll develop the same fear of people and I'll be the cause of it. Like I'm a vampire. But I isolate myself and then get to a certain point where I think "I'll try again!! And this time will be different!! I'll really have someone new in my life!" And then I am super friendly and doing my best to be good and making plans and whatever. But then I start getting that sick feeling again, like what if what if they just haven't realized how much I suck and how disappointing I am yet, they'll definitely realize it soon and I come up with some random specific reason why they'd actually hate me if they knew "THIS" about me and I start detaching myself and then flake on plans and then disappear. And then spend weeks worrying myself sick that I permanently damaged their trust in people!!! But then I get lonely again and the pattern starts again!! All traced back to this moment in time where it actually hit me that people's affection for you can disappear in the blink of an eye no matter how much you thought they cared about you. So clearly love is conditional and just that thought alone is enough to make me want to end it all!!

So yea, just a shit day with shit cherries and cream on top.

And now it's 3am and I have to wake up in 5 hrs to do this again.

And all of this is still something no one will know if or until it comes spilling out and then my life will either be changed forever or over.

But yea, drew that lion the other day.