#i'll believe what i see and what i see is no intervention only ideation

[thevoidisshoutingback]

4 May 2024

tw suicidal ideation, tw suicide, tw self harm

It's honestly very jarring, the difference between how I feel now compared to earlier in the week. On Monday and Tuesday I felt as though I was drifting close to the edge - literally had the thought that this is the worst I've felt mentally since I was 19-20 and walked around with a suicide note in my wallet just in case.

I kept fixating on the Plan. Less so on furnishing the details, because even in that horrible state of mind I recognized that this is BAD place to go to mentally, but rather the fact that I have a rough plan at all. And isn't it fucked up that I've even considered how to die at all?

If I ever put it into action (and boy isn't that one hell of a thought), it will take 2.5 months before I can die. It's a long time, unnecessarily long, actually, but I can convince myself it's required out of 'obligation' (when in truth recovery me is scrambling at ways to extend the deadline should I ever reach that point).

Feels like there are two competing parts inside me. One that clamours for death, to destroy everything so I have a reason to kill myself, and one that is desperately trying to get out. A very unfunny variation of the two wolves meme.

It's the middle of the night right now, and my thoughts are darker. I keep wanting to cut, to just get that scissors from my table and scratch myself bloody. I miss it, as strange as it sounds. How the burn would feel, the sting of it in the shower, the annoying itch of healing cuts, how the scabs feel rough on the fingers. But then I think of how K looked when I confessed to him that time when I hurt myself by accident, and I refrain. I know he would want me to restrain myself for my own sake, but right now that's what's holding me back - the idea that he'd be sad if I harmed myself. And I really didn't like seeing him sad, even just in imagination (since we can no longer meet).

I wonder if the past week for me can be considered PMDD. The depression really escalated intensely, and on the first day of blood I immediately lightened up. But then this doesn't happen with every cycle, only if I was already experiencing low mood. So perhaps not. But I'll bring this up regardless during the assessment.

I actually can't wait to go to them. Hopefully I can get something good out of them.

I don't believe I want psychiatric intervention tbh, regardless of what K said. Having tk take them would be another routine to incorporate into my life, and the side effects are alarming. Not to mention how many seem to say that depression meds take off the lows but also the highs, leaving just a blunted middle. I can deal with the sadness, as horrible as it is to be crying spontaneously 5x at work for no reason. It's the apathy and emptiness that bothers me more. Sadness at least, is an active thing. I feel sad. It's painful, but at least I feel something, and that means I am alive. Anhedonia is truly a terrible thing. It takes out the joy and fulfillment from everything. There's no pay off, no reason to complete anything. There's nothing worth the effort. And so I start to think there is no reason to even try. And that's when my mind starts going to suicide.

Yeah, I think is what I struggle with most when it comes to depression, and what I want help with most. I'll wait for the assessments and see what they can give me. Otherwise I'll contact that counselling clinic on my own. Yeah, that's what I'll do. Plan A to C. I wonder if K would be proud of me?

I miss the comfort of him.

[wingedshoes]

when you finish the Calliope episode and get a sudden urge to pray to the Muses for divine inspiration and to thank them for all they have done previously