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#i'm gonna shut up now bc i once again reached the tag limit
da-proti-toku-grem
ยท
22 days
Text
feeling like a total asshole today ๐
#an aunt's mom passed away yesterday night
#i didn't really know her that much just spoke to her a few times for the typical merry christmas & happy new year you know
#so when my mom told me i felt bad for my aunt bc i knew they were really close but i don't feel SAD
#but my parents seemed to be like so shocked and sad and my little brother even started crying
#and i felt absolutely nothing
#idek what my mom saw in my face but she went like 'don't you feel anything?' and like wtf am i supposed to feel
#like. i'm sorry for my aunt and everything but i just?????
#that already made me feel like an absolute asshole but now we have to go there (like 2hours away by car)
#and because i am an adult now i *have* to go to the funeral home (?) today and to the funeral tomorrow
#and i REALLY don't want to and thought it's making me so fucking anxious bc i haven't been there since my grandma passed away 2 years ago
#i really don't want that feeling that i felt back then to come back
#not right now
#not when i've been starting to feel a bit better this past week
#but i'm already failing at that because they started to come back the moment i was told i have to go
#and i feel like a fucking asshole because my aunt's mom literally passed away and she (and her whole family) must be heartbroken right now
#and all i can think about is that i'm anxious
#i'm anxious to go back there. i'm anxious just thinking that i'll have to express my condolences to people that i don't even know
#i'm anxious because i'll have to TALK to people and at least try to look a bit SAD but i can't just fake it
#bc if i don't look sad my brain tells me that i'm an asshole that doesn't have feelings like apparently everyone around me has
#but if i fake it my brain tells me that i'm an asshole bc why tf do i have to fake my fucking personality
#why can't i just express my fucking feelings like normal people do and the only thing that i know how to do is fucking complain
#like. i know i rant a lot here but it's literally the only place where i talk about my feelings
#i NEVER talk about my feelings with anyone because idk HOW to do it
#i have like a million things in my mind that i want to tell my mom or my therapy for example but when i finally convince myself to do it
#i just CAN'T. the thoughts won't leave my mouth because i don't know how to phrase them properly
#so nothing ever leaves my mind unless i make a post here bc apparently writing my thoughts in english (my 2nd language)
#is easier than talking in spanish
#and at least if i write them here they don't just stay bottled up in my mind
#but i'm too tired of myself and my stupid brain that tells me that i do everything wrong :/
#i'm gonna shut up now bc i once again reached the tag limit
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