#so nothing ever leaves my mind unless i make a post here bc apparently writing my thoughts in english (my 2nd language)

[da-proti-toku-grem]

feeling like a total asshole today 👍

[perseusannabeth]

Bottled Up Storms - Chapter 2

So I’m finally posting chapter 2! Shout out to work for putting me in the clinic that gives me lots of time to write. 

Read on AO3

Chapter 1

Bottled Up Storms Masterlist

Word count: 2502 bc apparently I can’t write consistent sized chapters oops. 

Cassian ran his fingers through his hair after shutting the door behind him. His shoulders and wings sagged as he thought about what had just happened, what he had just found out. His heart felt like it would beat out of his chest it was beating so fast. Nesta, his Nesta, was pregnant. Except she wasn't his Nesta, she wasn't his anything, not in her eyes anyway, and definitely not in his eyes. He could never be worthy of Nesta, but she was everything to him, because she was his mate, a fact which he had known since he had seen her stood so tall and proud in her father's house as a human. Even then, despite her body being human and weaker, she looked like a warrior who could clear the battlefields in one fell swoop.  

Cassian sigh as he forced himself to move from outside her bedroom door, and managed to force himself into their small living space. His mind was swirling with thoughts and unbidden memories from that night. He had gotten his mate pregnant. He fought his instincts, which were telling him to go to her and never leave her side again, just like they had the morning after they had slept together. But he knew he couldn't do that, not if he ever wanted a chance with Nesta. He knew that any wrong move could mean that he chases Nesta away, and this time for good, and he would do anything to prevent that. Perhaps the fear of losing her was what stopped him from telling Nesta about the mating bond. He knew she couldn't feel it, there was no way in hell that Nesta would leave his balls attached if she could feel the mating bond. Cassian had seen the disaster that was Feyre finding out Rhys hadn't told her about their mating bond, and knew that he should learn from his brother’s mistake, but he was a coward, and couldn't bring himself to add another strain on their relationship.  

Before the war, he had considered telling her. He almost did so many times, but there was never the right time, or they were interrupted or something bigger was going on. Or maybe he was a coward. Actually, he was definitely a coward, he knew that. He knows that he should have told her a long time ago, when it first snapped into place for him. But Cassian knew that she didn't feel anything. He suspected the mating bond was one-sided, which is why he never told anyone. He had pulled at the tether tying him to Nesta and found nothing. So he had resigned himself to just accepting whatever scraps of Nesta he could get in his life.  

Cassian couldn't quite believe that Nesta was pregnant. He had dreamt of it once or twice, and he couldn't quite believe that this was real, that this was happening. He had dreamt of having a loving family with Nesta, raising children together and being madly in love. They were always worse than the dreams he had of Nesta, now mixed in with memories of that night panting above him, moaning his name, kissing him, grinding down on him, throwing her head back in ecstasy, her pert breasts bouncing as she moved in ways to make sure that he hit her sweet spot, doing all the work because she thought Cassian was an idiot. Cassian was too in awe to do anything but let the goddess of a woman on him take her pleasure from him until she moaned his name and he felt something in him snap as he flipped her over and-  

Cassian groaned, rubbing his face, trying to avoid going down that path. He adjusted himself, his trousers already feeling a little snug, an uncomfortable feeling which he'd had to get used to, because he can't ever stop himself from thinking about that night. Ever since they had sex, it had been hell trying to avoid Nesta. He wanted more, and not just of her body. He wanted to sit with her when she was reading her books, eat his dinner with her, wash the dishes with her. He wanted to hold her in his arms in bed because he had never slept so peacefully as he did when Nesta had laid next to him. He wanted Nesta to permeate his entire life, so he could feel her presence in every aspect. Even when she was driving him crazy, she somehow calmed him, soothed his soul in a way he had never felt before.  

He had been stupid enough to assume that having sex with Nesta would make things easier for them, that there would be less explosive sexual tension involved. He was a fool for being so weak that night. He knew he shouldn't have, the voice of reason in his head warned him this was a bad idea. But the voice of reason that night had been too quiet, drowned out by the alcohol, and the lust coursing through both their veins. Rhys had once said to him that he thought with his dick, not his head. Cassian at the time had been very offended, but now he thought perhaps Rhys had been right. He didn't always think like that, but maybe he did with Nesta. He knew he had that night, anyway.

It didn't matter what was to blame. The damage was done, and Nesta was pregnant due to his carelessness. He should have made sure he had taken his tonic even if he hadn’t been having sex for months since before the war, he should have made sure Nesta had something afterwards just to make sure, he should have never slept with her in the first place, he should have never let her walk away that morning. He just hoped and prayed to any of the gods who would listen, that this pregnancy wouldn't be the thing that broke Nesta beyond repair. He couldn't live with himself if this made Nesta spiral even more than she already was. He had already guessed that perhaps the things he had said on Solstice had hurt Nesta more than she could ever say. Cassian just added it to the list of things he failed her in. He knew he should stay away from her after that because anything he did would make it worse. And now he had made it so much worse.

Cassian wasn't keeping tabs on Nesta, he would never do her the disservice, but he had heard people talking around the camp. He knew that she would visit Emerie, and the two had something that might resemble a friendship. He knew that she would spend time in the healers’ tent. He remembered the way that during the war she had helped in the healers’ tent. He was glad she was going out and about, that she was giving herself some sort of purpose. Although Nesta put up a front of being an ice queen, he knew that she cared about people, perhaps too much. Healing was a way for Nesta to help people, and he felt that perhaps that was a fitting place to start healing herself too.  

Feyre had suggested that Nesta trained with the females, to try and give her a sense of purpose, and so she could fight. Cassian said he would see how things went, but had never mentioned it to Nesta. He saw the way she couldn't even look at the fighting rings, and that was enough to tell him that fighting and training with the females was the last thing that would give Nesta a purpose. Nesta could not be what Feyre had become. Cassian knew better than anyone that you couldn't send someone into the training ring if they didn't want to be there. It was always going to be a recipe for disaster, for the person training and everyone else close by. He wasn't going to force Nesta to do something she had made very clear she hated, despite all his jokes and teasing when she had been newly made. She had been through enough, she didn't need to suffer anymore. If Nesta ever asked him to help her train, he would be more than happy to help, but unless that happened then training would never happen. He knew that Amren had taught her some things, but he didn’t know what. He just knew that he trusted Amren to teach Nesta what she needed to know.

Cassian closed his eyes and rubbed his temples. He finally was starting to understand why Azriel said he got stress headaches because sure enough, he could feel a dull pounding in his head. It wasn't incapacitating, but it was annoying. He'd have to go to the healer's tent before it got any worse. With Nesta asleep, there was nothing else to do but wait until she woke up. They needed to talk about what happened, and about what would happen in the future. He needed to make it very clear that he would support her no matter what, and be there every step of the way.  

Cassian left Nesta a quick note telling her where he was just in case she woke up while he was gone and left it on the kitchen table. Then he left and quickly went over to the healers’ tents. He asked for a headache tonic which they procured quickly enough. Then, as he was leaving the tent he saw the healer who had been to see Nesta.

"Theodora!" He called over to catch her attention.

Theodora looked up slightly startled to hear her name being called, but her expression settled when she saw Cassian. She gave him a small nod, which Cassian took as he could go over to her. Theodora was sat cleaning her instruments, lots of little shiny objects that Cassian couldn't even begin to guess what their use would be. There was an empty chair nearby, which Cassian sat on, not wanting to loom over the female ominously as they spoke.  

Before Cassian could even open his mouth, Theodora spoke in a rather cutting voice. " I hope you're not here to ask for personal information about my patient. You should know better by now. I will not indulge it to anyone. It is her choice who to tell, including the High Lord and Lady." She didn't even look up at him as she spoke. Rather than it being the picture of Illyrian female submission, Theodora somehow made her not looking at Cassian seem like an insult to him. Cassian felt the corners of his mouth lift slightly at the female who had obviously decided that Nesta needed to be defended no matter what happened and that she would be the person to do it. He was glad that Theodora was going to be looking out for Nesta.  

"That's not why I'm here and you know it. I would never do her the disservice," Cassian raised his hands in surrender as Theodora finally looked up at him.  

"Then why are you here? You have your headache tonic." She narrowed her eyes suspiciously at him.

"I wouldn't force her to tell anyone. Not even if it was my brother and her sister. That’s her business. I just want to help her." Cassian let a small sigh escape him.  

"Good. If you did try, I would have to make sure you were unable to get anyone else pregnant," Theodora glared at Cassian now.  

"How long will the sickness last?" Cassian asked, deciding to just ask the questions he needed to ask before Theodora castrated him, although he couldn't help frowning, feeling offended that she would ever assume he'd want to get anyone else pregnant.  

"It can depend on the person. For some, it only lasts for a few weeks, for some it can be 3 months. There are even those unlucky souls who are sick for their entire pregnancy. The normal amount of time is around 3 months. I have a tea she can drink which will help in the mornings. She should drink it first thing when she wakes up."

"3 months?" Cassian couldn't hide the shock, the horror of the idea of Nesta suffering even for 3 months. He prayed to the caldron that she wouldn't be the rare cases that have it last the entire pregnancy. Then again, with her being made, who knows how different a pregnancy will be for her, compared to another fae.  

"What does that look on your face mean?" Theodora asked, looking at Cassian as though she'd never seen him before.  

"If she keeps the baby, will it be dangerous for her? I know it's dangerous anyway, but will it be more dangerous because she was made?" Cassian looked down at his hands which were pulling at a loose thread hanging off of his shirt. Even at over 500 years old, Cassian couldn’t hide his nerves when talking about Nesta.

"I'm not sure. She doesn't seem very different to anyone else, so I can't imagine her body will react too differently to someone who wasn't made. The thing is, I can't be sure. I've never met someone who was made before her, let alone treat them."

Cassian felt his whole body slump as a sinking feeling settled in the pit of his stomach. He had done this. He had possibly put Nesta in danger, again! If she kept the baby, she could be putting herself at risk. He would never ask her to keep the baby, no matter how much he dreamed of having a family with her, but now, this was something else entirely. He had hurt Nesta so many times and in so many different ways, through failing her, being a coward and being the Illyrian bastard that he was.  

Cassian stood up suddenly, almost dropping the headache tonic and the tea leaves for Nesta, but thankfully he managed to catch them. "Thank you for your help," he managed to choke out to Theodora as he quickly walked away.  

He heard light footsteps following him. "Where are you going now?" Theodora asked him, eyeing him with concern.  

"I have to go back to Nesta. I have to somehow convince her to get rid of this baby."

"What if she doesn't want to?" Theodora said, eyeing him warily. Cassian knew why. He knew what happened to those who wanted to keep a child when the father wanted to get rid of it. He knew enough of his mother's suffering.  

"I won't force her, and I won't abandon her. I just, I can't-" Cassian choked up on his words. He paused, forcing himself to take several deep breaths before continuing, his voice shaking. "I can't let my stupidity kill her."

Theodora looked as though she was trying to formulate a response, but Cassian didn't give her enough time to do that. He simply nodded at her and walked away, back towards the cabin where he had left the female he loved, sleeping peacefully.

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[someobscurereference]

Do you have a thintg (eg an AU) that you think about (A lot) but probably wouldn't write because it feels too self indulgent? If so, what is it? :3

Lol, is this because I said this recent fic was really self-indulgent in the notes? I appreciate you asking, anon ;D

At first I misread the question and thought you meant just a trope that was indulgent that I hadn’t written because it felt self-indulgent, which was difficult because there are a lot. But then I realized you said an AU specifically and that narrows it down a lot, actually! And the answer is still yes!

Do you remember this post about the Trio not having friends or even being friends with each other in a modern world? I was directly thinking of this AU when writing it. Keep in mind this is self-indulgent and corny as hell, and I’m very aware of that.

This fic opens up in a modern au where the the Trio are still teenagers (which is already a strange start for me because usually I write them as full adults). As mentioned in the above post, they’re not friends. And they don’t have a lot (or any?) close friends, actually. But mainly the focus here is on Owain because he’s my default protag and just who I happened to choose for this.

So he’s like… 16? About that age? And doesn’t really have any close friends. Which feels like canon, tbh. The war isn’t dragging anyone together. He gets on well enough with Lucina and Brady and Noire, but they have their own lives too. He and Cynthia used to be childhood friends but not anymore. He and Inigo actively fight each other and don’t get along. (Maybe their parents are aware of this, maybe not.) He and Severa are kind of okay? But she’s prickly and he’s weird and it’s not like they’re hanging out anytime soon. So Owain is 16, going to high school, doing his thing, maybe being teased on the side for being as lame as he is, and probably a little lonely. Maybe a lot lonely, sometimes. His family supports him pretty well, so there’s at least that, but, you know. He could be doing better. That’s just kind of how it is being 16.

Owain craves adventure and maybe some closer friends. So… For some reason in this AU I keep imagining the city they all live in being on the edge of some kind of shrubland or even desert type area? When thinking of the type of area this would be, I just kept thinking of Laurent getting lost in the desert for 4 years. Maybe it’s like that. Maybe not. Either way, outside of town is probably hilly and has a lot of craggy places and ditches and whatnot too. It’s not really a place people hang out unless you’re trying to have a party in the middle of nowhere so no cops show up or are trying to study what lizards live out there. Pretty barren and not very great.

But Owain likes exploring and getting lost in his imagination, and after one bad day, despite hearing cautionary tales from Laurent and his mother and whoever else previously, he goes to hang out there. He’s done it before.

Except this time he falls into a ditch or makes a wrong move or does something wrong, and this time Owain really hurts himself. Like, sprains an ankle and maybe knocks himself out type bad. Nothing broken but ow, does it sure feel like it. Maybe he even lays there deliriously for a moment staring up at the sun before closing his eyes because he can’t keep them open any longer.

When he wakes up again it’s been a few hours and he’s been moved somewhere else. Somewhere out of the sun. He feels dusty and still kind of hurts, but his biggest concern comes when he sits up and looks around and see’s there’s a fucking wolf sitting there. Which is already crazy enough because there aren’t supposed to be any wolves where they live. And also Owain is definitely going to be eaten.

But the wolf doesn’t move and Owain eventually realizes the wolf is actually a just a big dog, and that helps his fear a bit. Big dogs aren’t wolves. Though it is kind of strange that its all the way out here in the middle of nowhere, but so is Owain.

So after establishing the dog isn’t going to eat him, he tries to stand up and it hurts but he can kind of manage. The dog sees him struggling and gets up in Owain’s space. This freaks Owain out for a minute again until it becomes apparent the dog just wants Owain to kind of lean on him and not fall over. It’s big enough for it anyway.

So Owain is figuring out this dog is smart and probably likes people if it knew to drag him out of the sun, and he likes animals too. It’s still a little surprising when he pets the dog and asks “What’s your name?” while already planning to come up with one of his own and the dog leads him deeper into the outcropping of rocks instead of out and Owain sees the name “Anankos” scratched into the rock via… clawmarks? No way, Owain thinks, it must have been a stone. He’s kind of disappointed he doesn’t get to name the dog himself, but “Anankos” sounds like a pretty good name anyway. And if someone else helped raise a dog smart enough to help Owain out when he really needed it, he’s grateful, even if that means someone else did find the dog first.

He makes it home with the help of Anankos the big dog. The sun is setting, and Anankos takes him as far as the edge of the town. He doesn’t go any farther, which is fine because Owain can make it home from here, even though he is sad they have to part ways. He limps home and Lissa fusses over him being late and being bruised, and Owain plays down what happened and doesn’t mention Anankos at all because then his mother would never let him go back ever. But he’s fine, everything’s fine, and the evening passes without much issue.

It’s probably a weekend so Owain either goes back that Sunday or the next week and looks for Anankos the dog. He’s hopeful. And either he’s lucky or Anankos must be aware of him too, because out in the outskirts of town, they do find each other again. Owain brought dog-appropriate snacks and some meat. Anankos is appreciative. Owain is happy they’ve run into each other again, but he is curious why Anankos’s owner isn’t keeping better track of him. Unless Anankos goes home at night? Or doesn’t have an owner anymore? He doesn’t know what to make of it. But he’s happy.

So Owain’s closest friend becomes a possibly wild dog named Anankos that found him out in the dry outskirts of his city. Anankos isn’t a person, but he’s smart as hell. Like, really smart. Sometimes Owain wonders if Anankos really understands him sometimes. 

Sometimes Anankos goes off on his own for a while and he won’t go into town with Owain (so much for taking him home, even if Lissa would allow it, which. Probably not), but Owain makes the most of it anyway. He has a friend now. There’s a Owain when he’s at school and there’s Owain when he gets to run out into the wild and make up stories and do teenage boy stuff with a dog so big it seems like a wolf.

And from here on the details get fuzzier because, again, this is so self-indulgent I’ve never planned on explaining this to anyone and thus only have shattered shards of scenes that I kind of want to see rather than a real plot. But I imagine there’s an actual villain in this story too. Like, between Owain and Inigo fighting, between regular teenage drama and whatnot, Anankos really is the reincarnated version of our Anankos from fe14 looking for Corrin again. Not because there’s any great evil on the rise but just because he wants to see them the way he never got to before, even if he is a dog and isn’t really their father this time. (Or is he? But also he’s a fucking wolf dog. That can be figured out later.) But he remembers the Trio too, though they don’t remember him, and he likes Owain enough that Anankos wants to make sure he’s okay too. He’d probably be fine with Inigo and Severa too (debatable if they’d be fine with him, lol) but they don’t hang out in the middle of nowhere like Owain, so they don’t run into each other.

So anyway, Anankos the dragon/wolf is looking for Corrin. I think the Nohr sibs and Garon and maybe even Iago? Are here too, but I haven’t decided how yet. I think at least Iago is evil. Maybe Garon too. I imagined Owain getting into trouble with somebody evil like that cornering him and Anankos, in the city for the first time ever, fucking kills Iago to protect him. Which leaves Owain shaken as hell and also some people are probably freaking the fuck out that a wolf came out of nowhere and just killed a guy??? But Owain defends Anankos by saying Owain has been taking care of him, he did it to protect Owain, that guy was trying to kidnap him, etc. And Lissa is thrown for a loop because apparently her son has been hanging out with a fucking wolf this whole time but it??? Protected him?? But also that’s a WOLF? (”Mom, that’s not a wolf. I mean, I wish he was because that would be super cool, but…” “Owain, I Know What A Wolf Looks Like.”) (Suffice to say he’s at least in a little trouble.) It’s a whole Thing.

And also maybe Inigo and Owain’s tension keeps building up between their fights and teasing, and one time Inigo tries to be actually genuine when he sees Owain has been having a bad day and asks what’s wrong and Owain snaps at him, “What do you even care? You don’t even like me.” And Inigo feels kind of bad and Owain is just upset and they Don’t Talk for a bit after that. 

But also!! When Inigo gets in trouble because of Evil Plotline Thing Here, Owain is alerted either via magic?? Anankos’s magic?? Instinct? Anankos? Coincidence? And comes through to save him. And probably Severa gets involved at some point too because she’s the third of the Awakening Trio, obviously.

I feel like Nohr sibs (though maybe Corrin comes in earlier) are late game stuff but I can’t quite decide how yet.

That’s all I basically have for the moment, but this AU kind of blurs in with one or two other modern AUs I have going on in my head atm so it’s hard to separate the details entirely. I know Anankos being a human-intelligence level wolf (bc he is/was a dragon in his past life) that Owain (who remembers nothing of FE14) makes friends with in the desert is kind of cheesy and dumb, but I like it anyway. I can’t imagine ever writing this unless the details for this AU get filled in significantly but still. I like thinking about it from time to time. 

Thanks for asking! Sorry this went on so long, lol. I appreciate the question though, anon! :D 

[scifi-flyby]

here’s my detailed I Love Liam And Would Give My Kidneys To Him If He Asked post about his characterization and fandom response to it (aka i’m making up for the lack of meta he gets bc he’s a black human squadmate)

liam is so good and kindhearted and sweet and he’s trained in trauma response and actively makes these more personable actions to get colonists and you more comfortable when no one is asking him too. he’s the only person outside of an email from drack to acknowledge that your father dying might have impacted you because you weren’t ready for the job and because you’ve lost your father. no matter what idle dialogue says about how lackadaisical or free spirited liam is, he decisions show otherwise- if anything look to the goddamn movie night. it takes like five fetch quests for it to get started bc liam wants to make sure it’s perfect- it’s not that he goes into things unplanned, but that he prioritizes other’s feelings over anything else.

an important distinction is that this prioritization never comes in contact with his own safety unless it’s a matter of his job like saving civilians! he’s not the cardboard cut out of a black character intended to shoulder everyone’s pain and suffering- he’s allowed to fuck up, and he’s allowed to be pissed about things. his loyalty mission even confirms this- he saw people in danger, had gotten the facts relevant to saving them, and then deliberated over asking you to help him. he couches it all in humor to deflect from the fact that he really really cares about people and, until you progress one of jaal’s missions involving diplomacy with the angara, he’s not sure if you’ll use that against him or that you’ll prove him wrong. i’ve written posts about how the angara are coded as african and of the africa diaspora but nothing confirms it more than liam’s measured response until you prove that you’re not approaching havarl and aya as potential colonization.

liam gets criticized for immediately trusting and defending the angara after first contact, but its strikingly apparent: he sees a people scattered by genocide and oppression, and can identify and relate to them. identifies so much that, if you’re actively a pain in the ass to evfra or paaran shie and choose to make the angara more dependent on the nexus, his emails and idle dialogue are A Lot Less Friendly.

this isn’t even bringing up how liam is treated in the nomad dialogue! another big fandom thing is how liam says he wants friends, but he says harsh things to the squad which make them unfriendly to them. his motivation is something that people would write sonnets about if he were a white character: he’s traumatized and lashing out. he puts on this false sense of optimism because that’s what everyone needs- more importantly, what he himself needs to believe to keep going. “i believed in a new beginning. still do. i have to. we’re in it.” he’s going through the same exact breakdown that gil is going through, but he’s hidden it so far down that it just looks like he’s lashing out to be mean. which isn’t to say that the stuff he says isn’t hurtful, but they are things liam is personally insecure about and things HE needs reassurance for. his convo w vetra is really about how he felt tricked by his older mentor figure alec (who he was close to and familiar with… not to the degree of cora but like why is that glossed over) and doesn’t feel like he was thoroughly prepared for the dangers that lay ahead. liam and peebee’s conversations about the possibility of her fleeing at the first instance of danger is about how he fears he didn’t treat choosing to be a part of the initiative with as much seriousness as it deserves- it’s literally a parallel of his loyalty mission where he assumed he was getting into a smaller skirmish, which then evolves into crashing a smuggler ring.

liam is looking for their arguments because they reassure him about these smaller insecurities that add up to one big worry: that he was too impulsive and made the wrong decision in choosing the initiative and abandoned his family. he throws himself into these “humanitarian” (quotes bc… not everyone is human) acts and has others depend and lean on him because that’s what he signed up for- crisis response. but he’s smack dab in the middle of the biggest galactic crises and it’s getting to him- so instead he focuses on the smaller things. get ryder’s mind off of the genocidal aliens killing people he empathizes with. save a few people hurt by crime caused by the people he trusted to lead them to a new beginning. make friends with a people he identifies with but who see him as an invader and a colonizer.

at the end of the day liam kosta does all of these things to stave off the terrifying thought of him mistakenly leaving everything he’s ever known behind. but he cares so much he’s willing to risk getting hurt to force a happy ending out of every terrible thing that’s happened in andromeda. he came there for a new beginning and he’s gonna make sure he and everyone else is gonna get one whatever it takes. if it means shouldering micro relations with the angara, monitoring podromos for civilian unrest, or checking in on noncombatants to see if there’s anything he could help with, so be it. he has to believe in a new beginning- he’s living it. otherwise the only stability he has (being a part of the pathfinder’s team) will fall apart. who cares if he’s blunt when he’s bringing up legitimate concerns in the nomad

[breakingjen]

gonna talk a little bit about my spotty blogging in the past month or so while i have the energy to write it down. or more like one of the reasons why and it might get long so you’ll find it under the cut.

so as most of you know i have bipolar disorder as well as anxiety and other things. i was diagnosed with depression in march 2012 and that diagnose stayed until they rediagnosed me with bipolar in 2015 and put me on lithium which after about a year actually started helping and earlier this year i felt better than i’ve done since before i got sick. during the majority of this time i was put on sick leave (with sickness benefit) and twice i tried going back to the job market but failed both times. that is until october last year when instead of sick leave i was entered into vocational rehabilitation (that i call work) at an accounting firm (doing zero accounting bc i’m not qualified for that) by the swedish public employment service and the swedish social insurance agency. the thing about this vocational rehab is that you’re not allowed to be at the same place for longer than 6 months but my person at the spes has extended it twice - first for 2 months in march and then again for 3 months in may, which means that i currently have no idea what’s gonna happen to me after august 31st. the firm wants to hire me and keep me in their office which my people at the spes and the ssia and myself also want. BUT.. i have not made it up to full time yet (if i ever will, noone knows), i’m currently only working 4h/day and unless my pay would be huge (which.. no) i wouldn’t make it on those 4h. however, the ssia have something called sickness compensation which is for those who “will probably never be able to work full time due to illness, injury or disability. ” and my ssia person has told me that i’d be eligible for it BUT (again) they have to know exactly how much i can work so i’d need to increase my work hours and prove i can’t work more than however many hours that is. which means that i basically have to increase my hours until i can’t function like a proper human being anymore (my words, not theirs) because, you see, the thing is that if i work too many hours my anxiety levels will go through the roof, chores such as cleaning/doing laundry/cooking/etc will suffer as well as will my personal hygiene (basically going back to being depressed). i don’t have any actual objection to trying to see how much work time i can handle but we’re one month away from the end of the 3 month extension and it’s summer which means people and companies are going on vacation which means that my workload has decreased and i can’t increase my work hours without the actual workload because the result will be false. so let’s say i start increasing my work hours and maybe end up making it to 6h/day without a problem, that’s 6h/day with a lessened workload so once summer/the vacation period is over and the workload goes back to normal (well, apparently we’ve gotten new clients for the services that are my department so to speak so it will actually increase (if i’m still there)) that’s untested territory and i will most likely suffer a burnout and probably end up on sick leave with sickness benefit again, and the thought of going back into depression absolutely terrifies me, i don’t want to go through that darkness again. the thing is that my mom, my therapist and even my boss understand this and both mom and my therapist agree that increasing my work hours with a decreased workload isn’t the best idea. i have nothing to say against my ssia person bc she’s not the one who makes the decision when they get my application for it (honestly, she’d probably make a decision in my favor) - that’s up to some other people who have never talked to or met me. but this compensation is apparently really difficult to get even if you tick all the right boxes. so yeah.. if i don’t get it all i’d have (possibly) is the pay i’d get from work (if they do end up hiring me) which will not cover all my bills. at present i get something called a rehabilitation allowance (which is the same amount as the sick leave only with a different name) but once i’m employed that goes away too. the allowance/benefit/compensation above are all minimal provisions. plus they’re all taxable incomes which makes the actual amount you get even less. so that’s fun. in other news, i currently feel like i’m about to  to puke.

right, so.. the stuff about the sickness compensation is something i found out during our meeting in may and since then i haven’t really been feeling like my self (sort of? it’s kinda hard to explain). and due to the stuff i just wrote down, my anxiety (that i during spring have been able to handle without my anxiety pills) has increased quite a bit so i’m back to taking anxiety meds several times a week. and last month i had some monetary issues (that were solved thanks to one of the more precious and special people in my life) that added to the anxiety (still does even tho it’s been solved). so i’ve sort of hidden myself away a bit. i have one of those coloring books for mindfulness, which i’ve been doing some coloring in, i’ve read several fanfics (all sterek) as well as several books (the later one i finished last night), listened to a lot of podcasts and hung out with my mom in the sunshine (when that’s something we’ve had here, the swedish summer is oh so fun). anyway, between work and anxiety induced tiredness (okay, the insomnia has done its part too) plus that feeling i can’t identify (i want to call it “meh”) i just can’t drum up the energy, and sometimes will, to go online. this week’s been better but also not.

one last thing sort of related to this post, i obv still have an interest in our boys and hl but it’s sort of less enthusiastic atm - maybe because of everything i’ve just told you or maybe just.. idk, i have nothing else to offer there even though i know it could be something else, even tho idk what that would be. thought i’d just put it out there.

if you read this far, thank you🙏💗

/ Jen xo

[survivorarabia]

EPISODE 11 “I’m Royally Fucked” - Issy

Issy

Well the 'awogkgogkaka' is not an issue anymore, so that's good Fuck me though, I honestly don't know what to do from here

Ruthie

What is our tribe right now besides freaking HILARIOUS.  Bahah.  Okay,  so Aren left, which is good for my game, I love Aren, but there was NO way I was getting to Final 3 with him, Emmott and Issy.  Since he's left Emmott has been blowing up my messages, pissed but trying to keep his cool and I just find it so hilarious, I can't even.  First there was this, which I of course shared with The Family alliance.   [11/25/16, 9:18:34 PM] emmott young: duuuuuuude [11/25/16, 9:18:43 PM] Ruthie ❤: Sorryyyy :( :( :( [11/25/16, 9:18:59 PM] emmott young: DUUUUUUDE [11/25/16, 9:19:18 PM] Ruthie ❤: SORRYYYY :( [11/25/16, 9:23:09 PM] emmott young: at least it wasnt me! BAHAHAHAH. And then, there is this gem; [11/25/16, 9:29:26 PM] emmott young: its just, the one vote i didnt try lead myself i get foooooooked ahahahah!! [11/25/16, 9:29:29 PM] emmott young: its fun tho [11/25/16, 9:29:42 PM] emmott young: it better not be me then issy tho coz we flipped this entire game for yall TWICE Like, okay, if I'm remembering correctly it was YOU that wanted Shay out, Emmott.  So you came to Alex and I and we went along with it because we SURE didn't want to be the ones to leave.  The second time, I don't even know, was it the Jay vote?  Who knows, who even cares but this is Survivor and it is every person for themselves although I am DEFINITELY looking out for Alex and Nicole and even Lena and Richie.   All this and I'm still talking to Emmott and trying to give him a pep talk and just still, this is the kind of response I get out of him; [11/25/16, 9:36:09 PM] Ruthie ❤: I have noooo idea, try to win individual immunity though. <3 [11/25/16, 9:37:29 PM] emmott young: i dont do immunity ahahahah [11/25/16, 9:37:53 PM] emmott young: fuck it im givin up! i tried playing this game hard for the people who flipped on me, but life aint fair SORRY EMMOTT, I have my own game to play I'm not going to hang around and be your personal cheerleader for the comp. Also, let me rewind for a minute, can we talk about this that was in the tribe chat? [11/25/16, 9:17:57 PM] emmott young: WOAH WHAT HAPPENED [11/25/16, 9:19:19 PM] emmott young: that was psycho what omg [11/25/16, 9:19:37 PM] emmott young: congrats alex and ruthie <3 [11/25/16, 9:19:56 PM] emmott young: the rest of yall.........yeah [11/25/16, 9:20:12 PM] Ruthie ❤: Why am I getting congratulated, I’ve won nothing, rip (u) [11/25/16, 9:20:48 PM] emmott young: ya gonna win! Like, HOW am I going to win?  Why does he group me up there with Alex, not that I mind all because obviously Alex is my Survivor soulmate but WHY.  Is it because we were on the same tribe as him for awhile or am I missing something?  Either way, way to make friends and keep yourself around longer Emmott!  Calling us out like that, yay!  And apparently Richie is salty about people always putting Alex and I as the brains for everything because:   [11/25/16, 9:19:58 PM] Lena McKenzie: I'm amazed at this!! But why is Emmott congratulationg you guys [11/25/16, 9:20:13 PM] Lena McKenzie: Like Alex I understand because he almost got voted out but lol? [11/25/16, 9:20:16 PM] Richie: bc me and you are their puppets and we're handing them the game [11/25/16, 9:20:20 PM] Richie: DUH LENA This backs up the reason that he is going to have to go sooner or later, because when we get to the end he is going to come up with this epic speech and end up winning it over Alex and I.  And don't get me wrong, I would LOVE Richie to win, if Emmott and Issy go next I'll be happy with ANYONE that wins but still, awkward much? Also, to end this on a happy note, can we talk about how much I love Nicole again?  She is my absolute queen lol, I love her so much.   [11/25/16, 9:21:05 PM] nicole gilmore: People are getting mad like I'm actually ever filled in on anything and like my fat ass wasn't eating thanksgiving leftovers all day????? [11/25/16, 9:21:07 PM] nicole gilmore: Okay [11/25/16, 9:21:25 PM] nicole gilmore: Sorry Alex didn't leave way to be transparent Well, until... later, I suppose! <3 

Issy

I've been thinking about this game and I thought I might as well summarise it with a list of mistakes I've made so far, in order of shittiness 1) Making an alliance with my favourite dumb cunts literally-a-12-yo Aren and the totally unpredictable, emotional Emot 2) Allowing those fuckers to vote out Jay 3) Trusting Aren to be able to sort shit out for that last vote 4) Being stupid enough to convince myself (& Emmott) that blindsiding Shay was a great idea 5) Finding the solution to Pandora's box & sending it to literally everyone but ny host chat (and then 3 minutes later, because I decided I needed to fucking check again, someone else got in first) 6) Not taking out Alex or Ruthie when we had the chance 7) Not doing more to save Ci'ere & leaving it to the last minute 8) Not working my arse off to find an idol which would be real fucking useful right about now 9) Inviting Alex into that alliance at the beginning 10) Signing up to play in the first place and not turning down the last minute offer to be in this godforsaken season

Ruthie

At this point in the game I really need to start winning things or I will be viewed as a MEGA floater and I just don't want that to happen.  Tonight's comp is basically luck related though so... yeah, we'll see.  

If Emmott or Issy DID win tonight, I wouldn't be in danger, who ever didn't get immunity out of the two of them would be the one to go home.  I would love for one of them to win, especially Emmott because I love his passion so much, and he makes me laugh.  But I still want The Family to remain solid and that might cause other things to happen. :/ Speaking of The Family though...

Last thing I wanted to cover before finding out the results for tonight... THE JURY!  And seriously, I am sorry for all the noise, I'm not sure what possessed me to make video confessionals in the Cosco parking lot with my little sister and my 2 year old nephew in the car.  

Right now I just feel like they all hate me, I'm not sure if they hate myself or Alex more at this point but whatever happens I still want to go to the end with him! 

Emmott

blind week is a joke coz me and issy are fucked and no one is gonna wanna make moves when they dont know what the fuck is going on

note that

now that im on the bottom im just trying to be OTT shady and lowkey mean so people keep me, even over issy or anyone? because taking someone with a bad attitude further into the game is good for them, so im just trying to seem like a mean person

Alex

Aren's blindside went perfectly, and the fact that he actually had people writing my name down means that it was even justified!  Fantastic!  Nicole's random vote for Issy is weird and mildly concerning, but not too much so. The hosts have asked me to rank the players, so I am going to rank them in order of How Likely I Am To Give My Jury Vote To This Person. 6 – Emmot: This paranoid, flip-floppy motherfuck right here.  Fuck you, dude.  Pick a side.  Don't try and play both.  I can't see a world where I vote for you. 5 – Nicole: Don't get me wrong, being able to mostly count on your vote is great.  But at the end of the day, we haven't talked game.  You've been Ruthie's appendage and that's it. 4 – Lena: If our Family has a weak link, strategically speaking, it's Lena.  I love her, but she's mostly just a vote at this point – a vote who holds an Idol, maybe.  Definitely the fourth wheel, definitely not getting my vote unless I have to. 3 – Issy: I respect her iron will to eliminate me.  I don't respect her complete lack of ability to make it happen, or lack of flexibility.  Survivor is a game of adaptation, and she's banging her head against the brick wall. Richie and Ruthie are obviously the top two, and my vote between them really would depend on how I went out of the game, and how they got themselves to the end.  It would be a tough choice between the for me, and I can't make that call now. Before I get to talking about blind week, I once again want to wax philosophical about the game.  Specifically, I'm sure that a lot of people will be looking at my play in retrospect and saying “dude, what the fuck?”  Because from a purely strategic standpoint, my insistence on keeping the Family intact and, specifically, keeping both Richie and Ruthie in, is strategic suicide.  I'm aware of this. I've said before that I take these games really seriously, and I play with everything I've got.  I genuinely, regardless of what happens, like the people I'm aligned with.  And I want to see them do well, even at my own expense.  So I have a tough choice ahead of me, now, at this moment. Strategically, I should start looking to cut Richie and/or Ruthie soon here, because they kick my ass at the end.  But I don't know if I have a cold enough heart to do it, is the thing.  What I have to settle within myself is: how far will I go to win?  Will I cut them down to do it?  Because I could, I really could.  But will I feel good about it later?  And if I lose even after doing so, will I regret it?  Probably. Also, FUCK BLIND WEEK That's all, just fuck this shit.

Emmott

NICOLE HAS A NERVE

Ruthie

Funny I should send in a post about how solid The Family is then do what I did last night.  I am such an unloyal snakey bitch and I really hate myself this week.  I hate myself a lot.  I remember asking the other day in The Family alliance if our alliance was seen more as 'Heroes' or 'Villains' and I really HOPE I'm not seen as a villain after tonight, although if I am, I hope to be lovingly greeted by the dark side.  Can I get some cupcakes with black and red sprinkles, please? So, the new Takeover was posted and just FUCK.  Literally anyone could be going home this week and in short I panicked.  I suggested to Alex that I talk to Issy and Emmott about bringing back our old chat and talking them into voting Richie out.  I suggested that one of us could vote with them and the other vote with Lena, Richie and Nicole. He was of course down but hesitant and kind of sat back a bit with it, and I really don't blame him.   This is SUCH a bitch move on my part and I'm feeling awful already but I WANT ALEX AND I TO GET TO THE END.  I WANT HIM TO STAY SAFE.   Anyway, we talked this morning and for now I think that The Family and Nicole are going to vote together and that Emmott/Issy are going to vote for Richie, thinking that we are too.  At this rate I'm not going to have any jury votes, RIP ME.  

Alex

Blind Week is so ugly. This is so simple, guys.  Each person has a 1/7 shot at having Immunity, the odds are in our favor if we just pile onto one person. But no, Ruthie has to PANIC and go to Issy and Emmott to get them to vote Richie instead of me, just in case. First of all, that's not gonna work.  They're not buying it. Second of all, they're not buying it. THIRD of all, they are IMMEDIATELY going to run to Richie and tell him what you're doing because that is literally their only course of action!  What the shit!  Their best play is to break us up and you've just created the bullets, loaded the gun and handed it to them!  The fuck do you expect them to do, NOT shoot it? Christ. I am trying to keep things under control, and part of my method is making sure nobody notices that should there be a tie, we go to rocks.  Because let's be real, I'm the most likely to end up in a tie, and then I'd be safe. And if this fails, and I go home for it?  Fine.  Guess who has the moral high ground, kids?! But if I don't go home, my Legacy Advantage will let me see all...and that's useful info.

Issy

Fuck me, this game is just one twist after another! A blind round? I'm already stumbling around lost and confused, there was no need for this & 'there will be no questions this round' What are you doing hosts? I know I talked shit about your weird-ass irrelevant questions but you can't just keep taking them from us like this! Questions are the highlight of my week! Seriously! I'm gonna get voted out next tribal and you aren't even letting me write a passive aggressive tribal answer! 'Aren't' like all I can see is the 'Aren' can we talk about Aren for a second? issy, 11:25 am he was strategic? he had a great social game? i must have missed that completely wow Ruthie ❤, 11:25 am WAIT, so your fight was for real? I keep accidentally throwing him under the bus, I'm just pissed off because being voted out is 102% his own bloody fault. Fawz could have still had a god damn majority if someone didn't think it was a great idea to tell Mr. Paranoid that Jay was out to get him & at this point I'm totally convinced Richie/Ruthie/Alex/Lena are gonna be the final four and I'm going to be a real fucking bitter juror. Anyway, I'm considering my options right now and it's looking like I'm going to have to whore myself out and try and get someone, anyone, to vote with me. I'll vote for Emmott if I think it's gonna keep me in another round but honestly if they want me gone, I'm gone, and that's a real shitty situation to be in. Nicole and Lena seem like the obvious targets because from what I can see, they're on the outs of the group, but I think I'm royally fucked anyway and I've been busy just praying that I somehow nailed that immunity challenge...

Richie

so...... this takeover is ugly..... i was going to try and take out nicole this week but with the uncertainty of not knowing who won immunity and blah blah blah its just not smart so its either issy or emmott tonight... and ive been lying hard core to emmott bc the votes not being revealed so im like being a real fake binch????? theres been so much messiness happening, ruthie threw me under the bus which wasnt fun to find out even if it wasnt necessarily true??? altho it could be true and i could be leaving tonight that would be wild???? also nicole gave me tea which made me trust her again which was nice so im happy i didnt try to vote her out this round i was just being paranoid about her relationship with ruthie which is still concerning but i feel better now as long as theyre telling the truth of course..... honestly idk wtf is going to happen bc with the immunity being a guessing game and not knowing who could have won ANYONE can be going home tonight especially with the no revote straight to rocks... like this is the ugliest round bc theres so little control over whats going to happen and i hate it i really hate it.... i just voted for issy but i would have rather voted for emmott bc ive had a better game history with issy (kinda?) so i would have prefferred to keep her around to try and make a move with later like there was tea she had an idol so she may play it tonight and i was lowkey hoping she would maybe play it at 5 and idol alex  but idk i wanted to vote emmott bc of the fear of her having the idol is strong....... and i havent talked to her..... i should talk to her...... make her feel safer so she doesnt play her hypothetical idol but lbr if you didnt know who had immunity and you heard your name going around youd play that mf idol no matter what..... thats why im scared to vote her UGH this is ugly its literally like picking a target and throwing a dart at it with your eyes closed and i hate it and i hate you goodbye !!!!!!1!!!