#i'm hungry for whatever comes next ( niko x mercy )

[mercyxkilling]

@emptyvictory​ liked for a starter!

mercy curled her fingers around the chain link fence that separated the airport from the rest of the area, her gaze nearly unblinking as she watched the planes there prepare for take off, or watched them come in and hit the landing strip. her fascination with these kinds of things began when she was much younger, when her father would sneak a few moments of his shift to spend with her here, where together they’d talk about where these people might be going or where they’d come from. what kind of lives did they lead? were they happy? were the ones that were flying elsewhere leaving liberty city for good? starting over somewhere else and getting away from this cesspool of a city? even as mercy got older, even after her father had died, that fascination never really went away and oftentimes she’d find herself drawn to this little space to just simply take a moment for herself and breathe, to reflect, and to decompress.

she’d been surprised when niko had driven her out here to her special spot when she’d only mentioned it in passing, and that had been some time ago. it warmed her heart to think that he listened that intently to the things that she had said, or that he knew just how much weight she put on this particular place. mercy knew that it wasn’t particularly exciting, watching planes coming and going, but she supposed he cared enough about how she felt to bring her here so she could have a chance to breathe a little bit easier, if only for a moment.

things were getting more and more complicated, more and more difficult to handle. her mother was showing up more and more in her garage, and mercy felt that her being there, that marie’s presence was the harbinger of something even more horrible to come. maybe she was just being paranoid. after all, seeing her mother never put her in a good mood and always filled her with a sense of dread. it seemed that niko had been able to pick up on all her anxiety and agitation and, in one of the most thoughtful gestures she’d ever seen, he’d taken her here, to a place she’d considered safe. a place that she’d only talked about once, yet he cared enough to remember it.

given how restless he was mercy couldn’t have imagined he wanted to stay here with her for very long. again, she knew it wasn’t really that thrilling... yet he had yet to say anything to suggest that he wanted to leave. he was quiet, but she knew he was simply letting her sort out her emotions on her own, but he was still there within arm’s reach if she needed him. it was... so touching to think that he cared that much about how she was feeling to do this for her. he was rough around the edges, tattered at the seams, hardened into the intimidating man that he was after experiencing so much pain of his own... and yet he was still there, still her support when she needed it. they both might not have known how to truly express their affections for one another, but when it counted--really counted--they both managed to provide the other with some sense of support even when things were at their darkest.

no one had ever cared enough to take those steps for her. benny might have tried when they were younger, but when he realized that she didn’t want to pursue a romantic relationship with him all that support seemed to fizzle out over time. and part of her had expected niko to leave too, as that seemed to be a recurring theme in her life. but he was still here. and goddamn if mercy wasn’t grateful to him for that. it wasn’t that she couldn’t do any of this alone or that she wasn’t capable of handling things by herself... but mercy knew that she didn’t want to do it alone. she didn’t want to go through this without him.

but... why? it wasn’t something she’d ever experienced before with anyone else. never before had she craved another’s presence so terribly. at first she’d thought it was just simple sexual attraction, because god, there had been plenty of that. once they’d pushed those boundaries it had been hard for mercy to pace herself and keep her hands to herself. it was still decidedly difficult for her, but over time she realized that there had been so much more there that she felt, but it had taken her such a long time to figure out what those feelings were and what they meant. she still didn’t quite fully know, but she was trying.

what did it mean when her heart thumped wildly in her chest when she caught him smiling at her? and what had it meant when the sound of his laughter made her heart sing and her head start swimming? how was it that he’d been able to know her body so well? in ways that no one else ever had before? a mere touch could set her alight, and his breath hot against her ear, groaning her name had been enough to make her come completely undone, for him, only him, over and over and over.

she had always considered herself untamable, or perhaps simply unworthy of such understanding and companionship. her life was too dangerous to bring anyone else into the fray, and any relationship she had could be weaponized and used against her. niko could be hurt because of someone trying to get to her, and the thought of that happening... she couldn’t handle even the idea of it. it hurt. and it hurt a lot.

but again, she was brought back to the question of why? why did she feel this way? and why was she so terrified to get close to him? why was she so afraid of losing him? she hadn’t ever felt this way before about anyone. not in this capacity anyway. sure, she’d be sad if she lost one of her boys, but losing niko would have been so much more devastating to her. 

mercy tore her gaze away from the comings and goings of the aircrafts to look at him for a long moment, as if finally, fucking finally, the realization of it all came crashing down on her. she lifted a hand to her chest as if it would somehow slow her heartbeat down, but all it did was make her even more aware of the fact that it felt as if it were about to leap out of her chest.

oh. 

she released a breath that she hadn’t even realized she’d been holding as she tried to make sense of her sudden epiphany.

these feelings... were they... were they what she thought they were? mercy had no idea what to compare them to, having never experienced anything like this before in her life. she wanted to say something, but what was she supposed to really say? how did she approach it?

she had no idea, but she couldn’t just pretend like she hadn’t had some life-changing revelation in the last two seconds.

“h-hey, niko.” her voice was a little shaky, and she mentally chastised herself for not being able to keep herself steady through all of this. “thanks for bringin’ me here. i had no idea that you actually remembered me talkin’ about this place. it... really means a lot.”

after a moment of brief hesitation the redhead stepped just a bit closer to him and reached out to take his hand in hers. she looked like she had more to say, but goddammit she had no idea how to start.

[mercyxkilling]

i wrote a drabble for @emptyvictory because i had mentioned that i’ve never really wanted to introduce the most important ‘npcs’ in mercy’s life to a whole lot of people, but niko is very much the exception. (i’d happily let others meet them, too, of course, but only once i feel that the relationships mercy has would lead there, and only if the circumstances were just so.) i have another that i still want to do, but this one took a few hours of non-stop writing, so i may... wait for it, unless it haunts me so much that i have to get it out sooner. idk if anyone else would have an interest in this, or in seeing how mercy behaves with her family and how unafraid she is to be a nerd and vulnerable and human, rather than what she always tries to act like otherwise, but it’s here, under the cut if you’d like. i also don’t know if it’ll read as well as i want it to, or if you’ll enjoy it as much as i hope that you do, and i hope that you don’t mind how rambley i can get or the length... and i hope it’s not disjointed and hard to follow or understand why i went into this fact or that, it was all just... out of me before i knew it. i should edit it, but i also want to share what it looks like now in its rawest form, when the emotions were all there and ready to go to spur me into this. not sure if that makes sense, but. i’m doin’ it. i wanted to do something more wholesome and fun and sweet but not without a touch of sad because that’s just the way it works, yo. that’s the life. anyway i’m just all words because i’m finally feeling better and i’m finding more excitement and muse and i’m a;lskdfj okay i’ll stop here IT ACTUALLY IS NOW I HOPE YOU LIKE IT MERRY CHRYSTLER

mercy had always been good with kids. maybe it was because she was, essentially, just a big kid herself. and after finding out she couldn’t have her own, she would often be heard saying that sometimes… she just had to be one herself. it was why she got along so well with her brother’s children, why many would ask her to babysit their own kids, or why sometimes the men in her crew or their girlfriends or wives would come to her and ask her for advice. it wasn’t a thing that she minded so much, though there was something there that occasionally left a heaviness in her chest, or a tightness, too, that at times could feel as if someone had a vice-like grip around her throat. it was a constant reminder of what she wanted but could never have, just one more thing that had been ripped away from her before ever having the opportunity to say yes or no to, the chance to have a family, to be normal. at the time she’d discovered this mercy had lacked the emotional maturity to look at her options, to understand that she could have still had a normal life, could still marry and eventually adopt, but she had been too angry and felt that it had all been so unfair that she didn’t take the time to consider anything of the sort. instead, like always, she let that negativity fester and spread, her rage like a disease for which there was no cure. she had thought back then… why try when every time she had, each thing she would ever want would be taken away from her? what was the point of trying to have the things she wanted if they weren’t attainable from the start? always there would be something. something that would take it all away from her, either before she had it or before she could even start to work her way towards obtaining it. 

her mother had never loved her. she’d taught mercy that instead of being able to look to those you trusted the most, the ones that were supposed to care about you and love you unconditionally, the ones that were supposed to protect you could not be counted on. her brother had taught her essentially the same. their combined disdain for her made her realize a long time ago that she couldn’t rely on anyone but herself and that she’d have to learn to do that quickly, or she wasn’t going to be able to survive.

her father… well. he was gone. and she’d spent years being angry at him for leaving her alone with them, even though she knew that it wasn’t his fault. but grief did funny things to people, especially when you were young and didn’t understand how life worked. not completely, anyway. he’d been her only support, the only one that made her think that she could be capable of doing anything good. he taught her all that he could, tried to keep her on a path that would take her to better places than the neighborhood she’d grown up in, away from the crime and violence and death. away from the drugs or the women who sold their bodies. he taught her that, while he didn’t want that life for her, that she also shouldn’t look down on them either. some of them didn’t have the choice to do anything else. in their neighborhood, the options were limited. he was a cop. he knew how the system worked. he had known who the city took care of and where the patrols went, where the calls came from, and the treatment the people from each borough got. some of those people didn’t have the education to get themselves out and had to feed their families one way or another, no matter how the law was concerned. mercy knew that he wanted to help them but couldn’t do anything other than react. back then, he’d inspired her to try and change things for everyone for the better. to learn the law, to learn how to fight for those people, and to make the changes they needed so her father could be proud, proud that she could do the things that he had tried so hard to change but couldn’t.

but it had been hard to stay motivated to live a different life when all mercy saw every day and was surrounded by were men and boys that told different stories. they were all successful but never seemed to work. and her mother encouraged her that she didn’t have to work so hard for anything when she was as pretty as she was. why bother? there were other ways to do things for people that could still help them. she could make her money, she could earn, and funnel that back into the neighborhood without having to put so much work into going to school and fighting that fight. mercy wished that she’d understood what it was her mother was doing back then and how she was trying to influence her, but she’d been so young, and all she’d known was that her mother was finally taking notice of her.

she’d still went to school, though. mercy just wanted to learn. she liked it. and she needed to know things if she were going to operate efficiently in her life. she needed to know the streets, but also how things worked outside of where she grew up, if she were going to make some kind of mark on the world.

it had all been so confusing, though. her mother still beat her, still seemed to hate her, never gave her enough to eat or supported her, and always favored her brother. but she would, on occasion, show an interest when it meant she could utilize her daughter’s skills in some way. mercy’s quick hands, her lithe frame, her skill at charming others or negotiating, her indomitable will… they were all things that marie had found useful in some way, or just enough that she’d ask mercy to do things for her or some of her many ‘uncles’ or ‘cousins.’ bring this bag here, take this message there, go get that for me, don’t leave without a ‘yes.’ she’d follow orders without question, hoping for love and acceptance, only to be asked to do something else. it was a vicious cycle and a pattern that just would never seem to be broken. when mercy was old enough to finally see it, and grow tired of it, she became defiant.

it was then that she saw just how terrible the wrath of her mother could be, and why she no longer spent any time at home. if mercy did, it was to sleep long enough for a bit of rest and she would sneak out before morning, before marie was up for the day. by then her father was always gone. the city was always in need of the police, organized crime rampant with each family digging their fingers into something and always there were arrests to be made. because her dad was just a patrolman, he worked the streets for petty crimes, constantly pulled to all parts of the city, while his fellow officers were asked to do the more important jobs. because of his marriage to marie, he’d never been given the chance to move up. corrupt cops weren’t new, and some of them were even barring his way from making rank, while the legitimate ones were afraid of what his connections could do to their agency. while he hated that he wasn’t doing more to help, it gave mercy a sense of relief to know he wouldn’t be out there in the thick of it, risking his life like the way his friends were. but again, as always, there were other forces at work, and again, what she wanted, cared for, or loved would always be torn out of her grasp before she could ever truly find a way to appreciate it or know how much anything mattered until it was gone.

her father had been killed. and she was angry. she was angry at him for leaving, angry that their last conversation had ended in an argument, hated herself for her last words being ‘you know what? fuck you, dad.’ the one person that loved her, took an interest in what she liked or supported her in her endeavors on pursuing those passions, the one person that did protect and love her despite all the horrible things she was getting involved in… was gone. and she couldn’t do anything. she didn’t know where to start looking or who to go to. she lost herself in her grief and her rage, and spiraled into very dark times. she wasn’t any good to anyone back then, least of all herself.

it took time to rebuild herself. mercy knew that she hadn’t done a very good job of it, either. she was barely functioning but always doing something, trying to earn, trying to establish herself, trying to keep moving so she didn’t have to think about anything other than what she wanted. she wanted influence, enough to find answers. she wanted wealth, enough to entice others to work with her. she wanted to make her life better and than the shithole that she crawled out of, and if anyone tried to get in the way of that she’d crush them beneath her heel. her methods weren’t the best, and she knew she wasn’t doing this the right way, not the way that would make her father proud, or in a way that would bring the change she wanted back to those she once thought to help, but the further she went along the path, the harder it was to remember a lot of her reasoning. not much else mattered to her.

perhaps that was why, when all four of her nieces and nephews had come to stay for a few days during their break from school, it seemed so shocking to watch mercy’s hardened exterior melt and morph into something much softer. she was an entirely different person, someone that almost seemed… normal. a normal ‘cool aunt’ that built pillow forts or made janky microwave s’mores and played video games with all of them. she listened to each of them when they would talk, though haruka and minato were more focused on their phones most of their time there. but they were older than junko and keiji, moving on and growing up, interests shifting to other things. it broke mercy’s heart to know that she’d not been there enough to see them grow or watch that transition from child into teen, but they were still there, and they still wanted to be there. all of them told her as such. that she listened to them and that she made them happy or feel special, perhaps in ways that their own father did not. it hurt to know that mercy’s brother wasn’t present enough for them, and was appalled to hear of some of the things he would do or say, or the things he wasn’t doing, to keep his children happy. it only motivated her to be the influence that they needed, or the source of joy that they couldn’t seem to find back in their own home. himiko, mercy’s sister-in-law, was a good woman, but she had no backbone. she didn’t stand up to jimmy and his bullshit, and while she loved all of her kids, she wasn’t giving them the aid they needed.

mercy had to step in. but there were actions to take, laws to follow, paperwork needed to be filled out. it was going to be a process. and at that current point in her life, mercy knew that staying with her wasn’t safe enough for them, either. it brought her a new kind of pain, but one that was also a little familiar. it was the feeling that, try as she might, and no matter how badly she might have wanted something, she just wasn’t enough. something had to change, and it had to happen fast. these kids needed her. but she wasn’t even sure how to start.

lost. she was lost. again.

but she would hide that, and hide it well, until she could address it properly. right now they needed her to be what she had always been. someone to make them feel loved and cherished.

it was a little weird, though, that niko was there while she was doing it. he was free to come and go as he pleased, and she would always offer that to him, but mercy didn’t know if she was ready to show him every side of her or introduce him to every aspect of her life. it would be a danger to them both, and to all of the children, and it might have been too much too soon. she knew she loved him. she knew she wanted him around and that she was happier when he was there. but was he ready to know all of this? did he want to? kids were difficult to deal with, even the best-behaved ones. having four of them to entertain all at the same time was an affair, to put it mildly.

the fact that he hadn’t just left seemed to tell her that he was at least trying to know more about her, but she didn’t know how to read him. he looked as lost as she felt, but also awkward and unsure. before she could make her way over to him and whisper in his ear a reminder that he didn’t have to stay, junko had snuck her way over to him and slapped a paper on the coffee table in front of him. she and keiji had been finger painting with mercy’s help and it appeared the little girl had taken enough of a shine to him that she’d made something she wanted him to have.

“for you, uncle niko.”

and she shyly hurried to make her way back to her aunt and hide behind her, while still peering around the older woman’s side to see niko’s reaction to what she’d given him. she was embarrassed yet excited, still not quite old enough to the point that she could actually really talk about what she wanted to convey or to want to talk at all. mercy was curious to know how this would work out herself, but she also didn’t want to just gawk and make him feel even more awkward than he probably already felt. and while everyone was ‘uncle’ to her nieces and nephews, she worried that the implications of ‘aunt mer-mer and uncle niko’ would hit harder than anyone had ever meant it to. (ugh. mer-mer. now niko had heard them call her that, too. how embarrassing.)

she needed to shift the attention away from him somehow, so he wouldn’t panic and feel stared at, or to hide any reaction that he might have that would have been seen as somehow unfavorable. junko wasn’t the best artist, and she didn’t want niko to force himself to act in a way that suggested he knew just what the fuck she’d attempted to actually create. (a dog that looked like a banana with legs that bent in weird places, then a group of stick figures next to it that—judging by how many figures there were—had all been meant to represent each person in the apartment as a happy family, if anyone was curious.) now that he’d been pulled into the night’s activities, mercy didn’t know if she could tell him he had the chance to escape anymore. not right then, anyway. she couldn’t blame him if he did still give them all the irish good-bye because it was just too much, but it didn’t mean it wouldn’t cause her some bit of annoyance. she’d have to explain it to junko in a way that didn’t hurt her feelings and in a way that made sense, not watered- or dumbed-down, but in a way that would make her understand. it wasn’t a conversation she wanted to have.

so she reached up and, her fingers still wet with finger paint, rubbed at her forehead, pretending to have an itch. which prompted keiji to let her know she had something on her face.

“what? i do? where?”

“right here,” he answered her and touched his own forehead, not realizing he’d just gotten paint on himself in his attempt to help her.

“oh word? ya sure? ‘cause i feel like i got somethin’ over here, though.”

mercy ran her thumb down her right cheek, leaving a smear of purple behind. junko and keiji were pointing, giggling, and the tension seemed to lift from her shoulders.

“no, it’s there!”

junko was pointing, and mercy was keeping a strangely straight face as she swiped more color on her other cheek, then across her nose, shrugging as if she had no idea what she was doing.

“i can’t get it. can’t see it. what am i gonna do?” in a faux display of disbelief and stress, mercy put both palms on the sides of her face, thus making even more of a mess than she’d started with.

from nearby haruka rolled her eyes but moved to grab paper towels from the counter to slide over to her aunt. the older girl could act however she wanted, the slight smile on her lips revealed much about how she felt.

mercy was just like a big kid.

but so the fuck what? she could even see minato smirking out of the corner of her eye, so she knew she’d made them all at least a little happier. that was worth more to her than she could say, so she didn’t give much of a damn about how anyone else saw her.

before reaching for the paper towels, though, mercy turned to face niko with a slight grin.

“so, scale of one to ten. how beautiful do i look right now? be honest. ‘cause i don’t think i’ve ever looked this good in my entire life.”

she hadn’t expected an actual answer, but by the way he returned her smile, maybe he wasn’t feeling quite so tightly wound as he might have initially. at least she hoped as much. the woman proceeded to wipe her face clean before helping keiji do the same, then after she was satisfied everyone was entertained enough to pull away, she moved to niko’s side and joined him on the sofa.

“if ya don’t wanna stay ya really don’t have to, okay? i know this is a lot, and they’re gonna hang out with me for a few days while they can. i don’t wanna put ya in a weird place, y’know? but if ya stick around, we’re gonna play dinosaurs.” she leaned in, eyebrows raised, her voice a loud whisper to put emphasis on how clearly awesome that was and how happy it made her. but she quickly sat back up straight to give him room again if he needed it. “i’ll even let ya be a raptor. ‘cause i’m just that nice. but for real. i know they’d love for ya to be here, but if ya don’t—”

she frowned, wondering why he was looking at her the way he was. he looked amused, and almost like he was ready to laugh at her.

“fu—” she stopped herself before she could finish the curse, having made it a point not to drop any foul language in front of the kids a long time ago. “friggin’ what? what’s so funny?”

was he making fun of her? laughing at the way she behaved with these children, the kids she loved with her entire heart? was he making a mockery of something so fucking private and personal? it didn’t seem like something he’d do, not out loud anyway. she’d known him to sometimes be downright cruel, but never to her, and never like this.

but then niko reached out and ran a few rough fingers over the bridge of her nose and pulled his hand back. she watched him lift it to show her his fingertips. they’d come back streaked with blues and purples.

oh. oh god. she’d missed a spot.

she felt like such a fucking idiot.

“l-look, do ya wanna be a raptor or not? it’s a very important question.”

that he did silently chuckle at, and mercy turned away to cover her face with her hands out of embarrassment, probably adding even more to the mess that was still on her face.

foolish as she might have felt, though, this was the happiest she’d been in a very long time.

[mercyxkilling]

otp challenge meme

@emptyvictory​ said: 26. sick days for ours truly?

tfw you’re tryin’ to be nice and take care of ur girl an’ then she uses u as a pillow and u can feel urself gettin’ sick too with each passing second

[mercyxkilling]

For each “⭐️” I get, I’ll write a headcanon about our muses.

@emptyvictory said: ⭐⭐⭐

oftentimes mercy finds herself just... staring at niko. she can’t help herself. she listens intently to the things he says and holds his opinions in the highest regards. she enjoys the cadence of his voice and can’t seem to hear much of anything else when he is talking, much to the chagrin of her men who are all vying for her attention. the attraction has been there from the start, and it’s hard for her not to always notice his broad shoulders, his strong arms, his calloused and masculine hands, how fucking perfect his lips are, his trim waist or how good he looks in jeans, etc., etc., etc. and this happens to her fairly early on, to the point where she finds herself alarmed because goddammit, she can’t afford this kind of attraction. not now. not ever. but the way he makes her laugh and can keep up with her jokes, the way he seems more amused by her gross and crass jokes, or just how nice he actually can be when he warms up, or how he has actual manners when she’s surrounded by a group of manchildren all day that don’t seem to have any at all... mercy finds it hard not to be just a bit enamored with him, even in the very beginning. she’s impressed with how well he works with her, and is pleased with how well he seems to receive her when they first meet. things could have been especially strained or awkward, but seeing as how they both were willing to forget anything that could have caused them any issues and work together, the woman was impressed with what she saw and knew that she wanted to have him back, and she wanted it to be soon. partly because of how good he was, but also in part because he was so intriguing to her. and after doing a bit of research or from what she heard from others on the streets, she knew niko and roman were struggling to get by, and given mercy’s nature to try and help others she deems worthy, she knew immediately that she wanted to be someone that could offer that kind of assistance. having grown up poor with absolutely nothing, and with the many men she works with that have problems hanging onto their money and how they struggle, she just couldn’t sit by and do nothing. maybe it was foolish on her part to want to get so deeply involved and so quickly, but she just couldn’t help it. she warmed up to niko rather quickly and knew she liked him back then, so she just couldn’t sit back and let him wander off to work with anyone else; she paid better than most other criminal organizations and treated her men differently than other families treated their associates. the last thing mercy wanted was for him to get fucked over by those fuckers and she wanted to make sure that niko not only had enough to help roman, but also had enough for basic necessities. from there, as they worked more and more jobs together, her respect grew into something else entirely, and before she knew it she was inviting him out to hang out, rather than just for work purposes. and they always had fun together. it was hard not to have anything bloom after that kind of experience.

it is... very hard for mercy to curb her sexual appetite with niko, and while it puzzles him how he can affect her like he does, mercy probably can’t even explain it to him even if she tried to. like, yes, she finds him attractive. but she’s also found many previous partners just as attractive, but never really seemed to be as interested in them as physically as she does niko. perhaps it’s because of their mutual respect, their similar lifestyles and how much better he can understand her than anyone else, or the fact that each moment of softness he shows her is such a rarity that it pushes her into wanting to see how much more she can have of that from him. combine all of that with the frequent jobs they do together and what an adrenaline rush all of that can be for her, and it pushes her over the edge and makes her crave so much more. there’s also the fact that he’s stuck by her side, even when he’s seen the ugliest sides of her: her childishness, her strange hobbies, her terrible or inappropriate jokes, her cruelty to those who’ve wronged her, the way he’s so protective of her and shows her sides of him no one else knows, the way he’s willing to put up with all of these things and accept her for who she is when no one else ever bothered to stick around... it all fuels her desire to touch him and to be touched by him, and she finds it very hard not to want his hands all over her, to feel the intensity behind his kisses, to know how his body feels against her own, to learn just what it is that he likes so she can give it to him, and how much it delights her that he’s open to learning the same for her. she’s not used to the idea of anyone caring enough about her to take the time to learn about her body and share his own with her, or to have someone not be disgusted by the scars she has or to ask intrusive questions in the moment and ruin the mood, and she’s excited that she’s found someone that seems to want to know her as well as she wants to know him, no matter what the context of that may be. while one might think she’d slow all of that down over time, mercy just doesn’t seem to ever find that being the case. she always wants him, always wants to feel his hands all over her, and doesn’t want to miss the opportunity to do so. but she also understands that there are times where he may be too tired to succumb to her seduction, and she’s also more than content to just enjoy the time she spends with him no matter what they’re doing. she adores him, and wants him to be content and happy with her, so if that means a night of quiet conversation, a rare moment of enjoying a documentary together, of him watching her scream over video games she can’t manage to beat, or her whipping up some pancakes or risotto for him, mercy will be glad to do it all just for niko. he’s that important to her.

arguments do happen. given the fact that they both have explosive tempers and can be more than a little grouchy, things may not always be sunshine and rainbows between the two of them. but it would also be concerning if the two of them never argued at all. mercy would, despite her emotional immaturity, do her best to learn better strategies to get her feelings out in the open, though, so not everything would degrade into throwing and breaking shit and hopefully end up into the two of them learning to speak to one another a bit more calmly and more like actual human beings. she wants this relationship to work, wants niko in her life for as long as he’ll allow her to be there, and she will put in the effort needed to make that happen. he helps her discover that she wants to be someone other than the mess that she’s allowed herself to become, and will do the best she can to keep her temper in check and to learn to listen and truly hear him, because most of the time he’s probably right to be angry with her. she knows she’s childish at times and she knows she can handle things better than she usually does. it’s hard for her, because she doesn’t know any other way to be since she never was taught any differently or had any other examples to look to for guidance, but mercy will at least take the steps she needs to make their disagreements easier to process and handle because... well... niko is the first man she’s ever been in love with. if she can make this last, she’ll do whatever it takes to make sure it does. apologizing and admitting she was wrong or even saying ‘please’ is difficult for her, but she eventually learns how to do it, and eventually, she learns how to do it effectively. she’d like to leave the life eventually, and she wants him to be a part of the new life she decides to live, so mercy wants to do what she can to ensure he decides to stay with her through it all. he’s the only person she’s ever seriously considered having a future with, after all, and there’s no goddamn way she’s going to fuck that up by remaining to be as selfish as she’s been for so many years. she wants him to meet her nieces and nephews, wants him to grow closer to those in her inner circle, and wants him to be as happy with her as she is with him. change doesn’t happen overnight, of course, but for the first time in her life mercy is willing to try and make those changes if it means keeping him close. but because he inspires her to learn how to want change for herself and to see that she’s worth more than she or her family have ever given her credit for, she also wants to make those changes for herself, too. and she wants to at least make him realize that he’s worth just as much, if not more, than she’s learned to care for herself. to make him realize that not only is he worthy of so much more, but he is capable of love and being loved. and as much as she wants him to know that he will always be the object of her desire and that she deeply cares for him, she also understands that maybe he will one day decide to part ways with her if he so chooses. and if that should ever happen, mercy wants him to know that he’s capable and deserving of the love that anyone has to offer him, even if it isn’t with her.

[mercyxkilling]

@emptyvictory said: 'five times kissed' if you want!

a kiss to convey deep affection and love

mercy didn’t like the cold. when the days grew shorter she realized just how much she actually liked sunlight, despite the fact that she considered herself very much drawn to the night. each day she got out of bed it was dark, and by the time she was locking up the garage the sun had disappeared beyond the horizon and made it feel as if it were much later than it actually was. for someone who was constantly moving, constantly doing something, mercy found it hard to muster up the motivation to keep up that kind of pace once the seasons changed. thankfully niko was with her when he had the time to spare; he’d never seemed to slow down because of the shift in temperature. she envied him for that, and wished she weren’t so easily influenced by something quite so trivial. there were so many things about him that she admired, and each day it felt like she learned something new that only made her respect for him run deeper, or her heart grow that much fonder. then again, perhaps it was because she’d never been in love before that she found herself keeping a mental ledger of everything that she liked about him, coveting what parts of himself he’d reveal to her and what he’d kept hidden away from others, coveting each new thing she learned as if it were more precious than even the rarest gemstones, the kinds that people waged war over just to have the opportunity to touch. maybe it seemed ridiculous to some, the way she kept note of the way his laugh sounded when it was sincere, or the way he’d run his fingers through her hair when they were alone, but mercy didn’t fucking care. these things meant more to her than any amount of money she had in any of her bank accounts.

who knew she’d grow to be so fucking sentimental? she was going soft. she knew it, she hated it, and yet she loved it at the same time. things were changing rapidly, her heart and her head were less at odds than they once were, and she was finding it easier to laugh more and enjoy everything, rather than pick it apart and point out where things started to go wrong and unravel. for the first time in… well, possibly ever, mercy found herself thinking that she might have actually been capable of real change. not right away, of course, but given enough time maybe she could leave this life behind like she’d always said she would. it had once been a mantra she repeated to benny and vinnie, trying to sell the idea that none of what they were doing would ever be permanent, that eventually they could integrate back into a normal life devoid of violence and danger. they’d nod their heads and follow her, back her up when she needed it, but it wasn’t as if they were ignorant of the fact that she was trying to convince herself more than either of them of her sincerity. back then she hadn’t really wanted to slip into a life of obscurity. mercy was too angry, too hellbent on making her mark on the world and finding the truth to every question gone unanswered in her younger years. 

now, as the years had passed, she found a lot of that anger had dissipated, and she had more of a reason to live rather than just survive.

if only she could put those feelings into words, though. mercy didn’t know if she could make niko understand what it was that she truly felt, or how far those feelings ran. she had hoped that, after having spent a decent amount of time together, he’d at least have some idea of what he meant to her. everything from the way she looked at him, even down to the way there was such a spring to her step when they were together, told a story of what her heart was screaming each time they were together. even now, outside where the streets were piled with snow and the chill of the wind seeped into her clothes no matter how much she had bundled up, mercy was still finding it easy to wear a smile, even when the tip of her nose and her cheeks were feeling colder than the rest of her, having beared the worst of the wind chill than the rest of her. perhaps it was unlike her, this change in attitude, given the way niko was looking at her the way he was, a question on his tongue that still had yet to pass his lips. it didn’t take an expert to figure out what it was that he’d wanted to ask her, though: ‘what are you so happy for?’

by then they had reached the lobby and were ready to make their way up to see roman and mallorie, and there were few people around in the area. perhaps they were all staying in much like mercy had once planned to, or were already out and braving the day to handle whatever business they needed to be doing, but either way, it had left the both of them a bit of privacy. however, because mercy knew that her companion wasn’t quite as comfortable with displays of affection in the public eye, the smaller woman pulled him aside to a quiet corner to be alone momentarily before lifting herself up on her tiptoes to press a lingering kiss to niko’s lips. it was a far cry from her rough and tumble nature, less caustic edge and bite and more gentle and soft. she held it there for just a few moments, then pulled away and stepped back, smile still in place.

“we should go. they’re waitin’ for us. if we take much longer they might start wonderin’ if somethin’ happened on the way here.”

mercy reached out and grabbed niko’s hand and gave it a soft tug as she made her way towards the elevator, offering no more of an explanation than that.

a sad kiss

there was a certain amount of judgment that came with the admission of hiring someone to clean for you. usually mercy was met with looks of affirmation, as if their initial impressions of her were only compounded by this fact. if they had taken the time to really know her reasoning, or if she even cared enough to tell them the truth, they’d know that mercy’s relationship with cleaning was rocky at best. growing up her mother usually reached for a broom handle or brush—bristles out—and would start swinging if she had a particular point she’d wanted to get across. it hadn’t taken long for a younger and more impressionable mercy to start making associations, ones that she had yet to actually shake. rather than spend years picking all of that apart and relearning things through therapy and other methods, the woman chose to hire a nice old lady to come to her apartment weekly and tidy things up.

perhaps such a thing was foolhardy. she didn’t know many people in the life that would have allowed anyone complete and unfettered access to their homes and belongings, to have eyes on their papers and personal documents, but mercy knew that if she had any kind of paperwork worth keeping it was locked in the safe back at the garage, and only a handful of people actually knew how to get access into it. it still didn’t mean that anyone who came into her home couldn’t steal from her, and it didn’t make her any less susceptible to listening devices or wire taps if any government organization ever chose to utilize such a thing, but she didn’t feel like she had to worry. the police in liberty were fucking stupid and would make it obvious they were following her, and their interest would tip her off before any of the feds. so rather than risk a break down over trying to scrub down the surfaces in her kitchen, mercy elected instead to call esperanza, an incredibly pleasant older woman that knew the best ways of leaving everything spotless without making the entire apartment smell like a bucket of bleach.

it wasn’t as if mercy knew anything about esperanza beyond that anyway. rarely did they ever see each other, given how early mercy liked to start her day and how she always seemed to be out. if there were any words exchanged between the two of them, it tended to only be about payment—the amount she paid was always far above asking price—or maybe a thank you or two. occasionally her cleaning lady would offer small bits of advice here and there, and there were times mercy found herself holding containers of vast amounts of food, esperanza claiming they were leftovers that her family could not eat, but that was as far as things went. mercy didn’t need anymore ‘friends.’ she had seen far too often where that would get people. too many lives were cut short, their only crime was having gotten to know her. it was to the point that mercy had decided to only let others know her name, but even that seemed to be a risk.

mercy grimaced, trying to stuff all of those thoughts back down into the dark recesses that they came from as she rummaged through her pocket for her keys. it was a saturday night and while it was unusual for her not to have company, she also knew that niko needed a chance to spend at least some of his free time with the people he called his friends. while every second in their lives was fraught with uncertainty, the fact still remained that he didn’t need to spend every free moment with her. if he had it was possible that he’d go crazy; mercy was a handful, to say the least. it was entirely possible that they’d have too much time together, and finally niko would come to his senses and realize that this relationship was too hectic, that there was too much effort that went into it with too little payoff. this was, at least, what her insecurities would have her believe. perhaps she’d add his name to the ever growing list of people that had decided she was too much trouble than she was worth and he’d move on. it wasn’t as if being alone or being lonely were foreign concepts to her.

whatever. it wasn’t like that, she had to remind herself as she turned the key and unlocked the door. niko might not have been a man of many words, but if he were unhappy with her he would make his grievances known. it wasn’t like he had any obligations to stay. their relationship had long since passed its original purposes, and money was no longer part of the equation. mercy reminded herself that he was there because he wanted to be.

with a sigh the woman stepped into the apartment and flipped the light on. just as she’d expected the place was spotless. there wasn’t a surface that hadn’t gone unscrubbed, not a thing out of place, not even a pillow that had gone unfluffed. that was why the cardboard box placed on her coffee table seemed all the more suspect, and mercy approached it with the same amount of caution one would expect of a live explosive set to detonate at any given moment. a small note was beside it, obviously having been written by esperanza.

i found this shoved in a corner on the top shelf of your closet. i think you might want to look through it. who knows how long it’s been there since i didn’t even see it after all this time.

-e

mercy frowned and set the note aside. given how short she was the fact that the box was stuffed so deeply and so high up must have meant that she’d not wanted to see it, but since it wasn’t labeled mercy wasn’t really sure why that was. was this box stuffed to the brim with embarrassing photos of nights she’d wanted to forget? no, that was impossible; there weren’t any bad photos of her. was it full of old clothes from her childhood that she’d wanted to keep? not that she could remember being fond of whatever she’d been given to wear. all of it was hand-me-downs. given her unconventional upbringing she couldn’t imagine there were many things she had back then that were worth hanging onto, nor was she really the type of person to do so. her car and the stuffed… whatever-it-was that niko had won at ring toss were the only things that came to mind that she’d kept, so what the fuck was all of this?

only one way to find out.

with a slow exhale mercy reached out and pushed aside the flaps of cardboard to examine the box’s contents, but before she could see anything, a familiar scent slammed into her with the force of a mack track.

and she remembered her dad.

even after all this time, stuffed away and forgotten like it was, the remnants of her father’s life still smelled like him. that seemed to be one thing that time couldn’t rob either of them of. her fingers trembled as she reached to sort through what was there, seeking what treasures she’d tried to forget years ago.

somewhere between setting old photographs on the table and picking up an old baseball, niko had slipped into the apartment. perhaps he’d offered her a greeting or an explanation as to why he was there so early, but mercy hadn’t heard any of it. while that could have been cause for some annoyance, being so blatantly ignored like that, perhaps there was something in her expression or in her hunched posture that had told him there was more to all of this than at first glance.

she felt him brush a strand of her hair back behind her ear, but it had made her physically jump since she’d been so absorbed in searching her memories.

“sorry. have ya been here long?”

her voice was soft, nowhere near its usual timbre. it probably sounded pathetic given that she was on the verge of tears already, but niko had been kind enough not to pry. since she’d known him there were those that would accuse him of a great deal, but no one could say he wasn’t observant. how he put that into practice, though, was an entirely different story.

mercy was just glad that she was on the receiving end of his gentler nature.

he’d started to reach for the photographs on the table but hesitated, looking to her for permission to handle them since they’d seemed so important. after a nod of affirmation he held them between his thumb and forefinger, studying each one before shifting to the next. there weren’t very many to see, but each picture marked a seemingly important or significant moment that might have otherwise have gone undocumented. her mother hadn’t seemed to care enough, if at all, to even consider taking a photo, and she was markedly absent in each of them, though obviously not because she was behind the camera. she just simply hadn’t been there. but her father always wanted to make sure mercy never missed one of those ‘snapshot’ moments while she grew up, and once he’d gone, vinnie took on that responsibility himself. he was always there, always watching, always making sure that she felt some kind of sense of normality even in the middle of the chaos that was her childhood. her life. at some point, she’d have to thank him for that. and for being there to make sure that she even had a few photos of herself and her father to look at now.

“vinnie actually took some of these, i think. god, i’ve known him forever, haven’t i?”

given her tone, that was a rhetorical question. mercy didn’t often talk about her age, and given that she was a year or two niko’s senior it all seemed to be very much a sore subject for her, even if it was childish. but given the gravity of the situation it seemed those superficial worries were long since forgotten, having made way for something as heavy as this.

“some of these were taken before i started dyin’ my hair an’ everything. don’t tell anyone ya saw ‘em, okay? oh, an’ look. this one’s of me an’ benny. he was such a goofy-lookin’, curly-headed fuck back then.”

she wanted to treat all of this as a joke, but mercy just couldn’t find a way to shoehorn any humor into any of this. there was no reason for her to laugh. these were significant memories, moments of her life that really meant something to her, and she’d shoved them back into the darkness of her closet to hide them away like they’d never happened. maybe, as she did with most things, she’d decided they were too painful to deal with and therefore chose not to deal with them at all. what better way to do that than pretend they never even existed?

before she knew it, mercy was wiping tears away with the heel of her hand. she hated herself for it, for letting niko see her like this. he probably already thought she was a fucking mess, but to throw something like this on top of all of that? it must not have painted a pretty picture to say the least.

it wasn’t as if he hadn’t seen her vulnerable before. despite her best efforts he’d seen what it was like underneath the veneer, beneath the guise of charisma and charm. no matter how she dressed herself up, there was still something human under there, and an extremely broken one at that.

the fact that he hadn’t left yet, or tried to formulate some plan to ‘fix’ her, seemed to at least suggest there was something in her worth hanging onto. she was a person, not a project, not something or someone that needed to be fixed. niko knew that, and mercy wasn’t giving him enough credit for it.

it was why, when she felt him wrap his arms around her, she didn’t try and pull away and hide. awkward and unflattering as it might have been, she pressed her face into his chest and let herself cry as he kissed the top of her head and held her just a bit tighter still.

mercy was grateful he wasn’t a man of many words. she didn’t think there were any that anyone could say right then. but at least he was there, and she didn’t have to do this alone.

an interrupted kiss

at times like these, mercy wished she weren’t quite so responsible. sure, she wasn’t the shining gold example of what it was like to be professional, but she’d spent a long time cultivating a particular image and held herself to a specific set of standards that had earned her repeat customers, even a referral or two. it was great for business, especially when she needed to continually feed multiple bank accounts for nefarious purposes, but it wasn’t exactly great for her social life. her calls were going unanswered, her texts ignored, though she made a mental note to get back to whomever it was that was trying to reach her. a noble effort, but as the day dragged on, those were mere afterthoughts, replaced very quickly with what parts needed to be ordered to finish a particular project, or what year a manufacturer stopped making a particular body type. she didn’t have time to spend with anyone else other than clients, let alone even get some rest, even though exhaustion was settling heavy in her bones and making her ache in places she didn’t even know she had.

it was fine. she’d sleep when she was dead. (which would hopefully be sooner rather than later, if living were this fucking painful all the time.)

mercy was somewhere in the middle of finalizing costs for one build while starting plans for the next when benny’s voice pierced through her thoughts and brought her attention elsewhere. normally she might have been happy to have the distraction, but in that moment all she could think about was wasted time and how much of her concentration was being pulled elsewhere.

“what?”

all right, so that sounded a lot nastier than she’d wanted it to, but she was under a lot of stress, goddammit.

“niko’s here. thought ya might wanna head’s up since ya look like hell, but now i kinda wish i’d just let him walk in here. why am i so nice to you anyway? never gets me anywhere.”

“the fact that bein’ nice needs to ‘get ya somewhere’ should tell ya all ya need to know. but thanks.”

she watched him leave with a scowl etched into her features, though she reminded herself that she needed to find a more pleasant expression to wear before niko walked through the door. shouldn’t be too hard to do since the thought of having the chance to see him eased some of the tension she felt. bearing the weight of others expectations was heavier than she’d initially thought.

with a sigh mercy rubbed at her eyes, wondering if she should seize the opportunity to grab some coffee from the other room to wake her up before she saw him, but decided against it. in reality she knew it wouldn’t have much of an effect, not immediately, and it tasted like death anyway. why put herself through such agony when she was already living it, right? 

all right. so that was a stupid idea. what else could she try?

she didn’t have enough time to cover the bags under her eyes, but maybe there was at least enough time to hide them a little better, or at least make them a little less noticeable. but since mercy wasn’t organized in any aspect other than her work life, reaching for her concealer wasn’t exactly a one-step process. somewhere between rummaging around in her purse to find it and trying to find better lighting to apply it, niko had already found his way into her office. given the way he was watching her, and with how puzzled he looked, he hadn’t seemed to quite grasp just how much she’d been fretting over just having him see her like this. it wasn’t an easy thing to grasp, the idea that she didn’t have to be perfect all the time, especially not around him. he knew her. he hadn’t ever seemed to particularly care when she thought she looked like hell, and while it always made her heart swell and warmth spread within her chest, it was still a hard habit to break.

“hey,” she offered with the brightest smile she could muster through her exhaustion. “what’s up? everything all right?”

not that anything had to be wrong for him to make an appearance, but it was just a question she was used to asking given the circumstances. they both didn’t exactly lead easy lives. it was also just her way, how she showed her care and her love, considering she wasn’t ever good at actually saying anything of that nature out loud. it always came out in the form of innocuous questions or statements, ones that always carried more weight than they seemed to imply. are you okay? do you need anything? can i help? please be careful. i’m heading out, do you want me to get anything while i’m gone?

she wished she were better at being in a relationship, but it was so new to her. at least by now she wasn’t second-guessing everything she said or did before she did it. most of the time anyway.

but much to her relief, nothing appeared to be bothering niko, not right then at least. in fact, it seemed he was there to invite her out later, seeing as he had a rare night to spend as he saw fit. she felt her smile grow wider, enough to show a flash of teeth, clearly moved that he’d chosen to spend that time with her.

“once i’m done with what i have here, i should be able to leave. hopefully it won’t take too long.”

given her perfectionist ways, however, who knew just how long that would actually be? but now that she had the proper motivation, mercy knew she’d be able to breeze through her work fast enough to have the time she wanted with her boyfriend.

boyfriend. the word still felt weird rolling around in her head and her heart, but not necessarily in a bad way. it was going to take some getting used to, though. but given just how easy she was with her affections as of late, she couldn’t imagine it would be too difficult. even then she was crossing the room to close the distance between them to press a soft, brief kiss to his lips. after a moment of hesitation, however, she gave him another, and yet another, and soon she found herself teetering on the knife’s edge of pushing the boundaries of the innocence of the moment into something a bit… more. it wasn’t the time nor the place, but it wasn’t like mercy knew much of restraint, especially when it came to the fires that burned within her each time she touched niko. it wasn’t something she could ever try and hope to explain, even if he ever asked her, but it didn’t seem like he cared enough to want to press her on it. instead he usually seemed content to simply respond in kind, evident in the way she felt his hands on her hips pulling her ever closer into him.

“mercy!”

again benny’s voice called to her, and she pulled back and stepped away, hoping that he hadn’t been close enough to catch the two of them exchanging such a heated moment of intimacy.

“fuck,” she snarled, clearly not pleased by the interruption, but she was also aware of her obligations and where she was. “what?”

again, with that scathing tone. benny appeared in the doorway, taking a moment to look from niko to mercy, eyebrows slightly raised. perhaps the flush to her cheeks or their close proximity had clued him into the fact that he’d just thrust a wedge between them and ruined something, and maybe part of him had felt a little bad for it by the way he paused. it hadn’t been until mercy gave him a rude gesture that seemed to say ‘what the fuck do you want?’ that he was prompted to speak again.

“i, uh. need ya out front. ya gotta client out there.”

the other man turned on his heel and left quickly, leaving them by themselves again. given how quickly he was moving he definitely knew something was going on and probably felt more than a little awkward for his intrusion. at least they were past his annoying jabs and hissy fits borne of jealousy.

“sorry. guess, uh. i hafta go, y’know…”

mercy trailed off as she jabbed her thumb over her shoulder towards the front of the building, apparently where more work awaited her.

“i’ll see ya soon, though, yeah? this won’t take me long. i promise.”

and mercy didn’t break her promises. especially not after all of that.

a fierce kiss

they led similar lives, but their paths were different. mercy knew that niko had his own goals to accomplish and all that he was working for, knew what it was that drove him to behave so recklessly just to have the chance to find what it was that he was searching for all this time. it wasn’t like she was any different in that way. she knew what it was like to be driven by rage, the kind that sat just on the edges of your awareness and gnawed away at your very fucking soul, the kind that constantly reminded you that no matter how much you might laugh at that joke or find joy in the company of another, it was always present and made itself known. her own motivations shoved her directly into danger, and she knew it, and would never shy away from it, even if it meant her life would be snuffed out in pursuit of what it was that she wanted. they weren’t all that different in that respect. but she had people to work with consistently, and try as she might to deny it, they were a support system for her, no matter how alone she felt most of the time. as much as she wanted niko to be a part of that in a permanent sense, and as much as she wanted to offer that to him, mercy wasn’t sure he’d ever accept that proposal. he didn’t want to live this kind of life forever, and binding himself to her crew wouldn’t give him much room to do so. it was what made it so hard for mercy to ever see herself having any wiggle room to break free from it herself. she had people who relied on her, and she couldn’t just abandon them.

there was also the fact that he needed the freedom to operate independently, and there were enough people that wanted her or her men dead for one reason or another. tying himself to her in such a way wouldn’t give him the chances he needed to move the way he did. she always assured him, though, that if he ever needed her, alone or with back up, mercy would always be a phone call away. rarely, if ever, did he take her up on that, perhaps because he didn’t want to involve her in his own affairs or to protect her, but it didn’t make her offer any less sincere. there was always a bit of fear each time he would leave her to work a job with someone else because she didn’t know how to help. it wasn’t like he couldn’t handle himself. niko was more than capable of taking care of things, but she also knew that he threw himself at danger in the same way that she did, knew that he didn’t seem to value his life as much as she wished that he did. it was why when their night was interrupted by a phone call, an urgent one, mercy was more than just a little unsettled.

she was terrified.

“ya sure this isn’t something i can help with?”

it had been hard not to hover, and she knew it was probably annoying, but she couldn’t help it. just moments ago they had been on her balcony wrapped in the sounds of the city and the comfort of each other’s presence, and now he was not only leaving, but he was leaving in a hurry. and he was quiet, even more so than usual, wearing an expression of haunting intensity that made her want to reach for him and demand some kind of substantial answers to all of the questions swirling around in her head. but she knew better. there were times where things were better left unsaid after all.

if he wanted her to know, he would tell her eventually. but it wouldn’t be when he was like this. not now. and she respected him too much to pry no matter how concerned she was, though perhaps the way she was biting her nails clued him in on just how terribly she wanted to at least do something. it just wasn’t in the woman’s nature to sit idly by while the people she cared about went off on their own to face something so dangerous. but given the times she’d done something similar to him, mercy knew she owed him her silence rather than a barrage of inquiries.

after shrugging on his jacket he moved towards her and placed his hands firmly on her shoulders, demanding her attention, and told her that he’d be back.

so she believed him. she had to. what other choice did she have in the matter?

raising herself up on her tip-toes, mercy reached up and pulled him in and crushed her mouth against his. it wasn’t brief, but it also wasn’t a lingering kiss, either. he had things to do, and she wouldn’t keep him from them. but there was no way in hell she was about to let him walk out the door without letting him know how she felt.

“i love you. be careful. please.”

they were words she still wasn’t used to using, but they fell from her lips as naturally as if she were breathing in that moment.

“if ya need me, ya know where i am, an’ how to get ahold of me. jus’ say the word an’ i’ll be there, okay?”

they stood there for a moment, foreheads pressed together as the reality of it all sank in. but soon he was moving again, and mercy watched him walk out the door, a feeling of uncertainty and fear settling deep in the pit of her gut.

a good morning kiss

given just how much sleep was a rarity for mercy, she did the very best she could to get as much as she possibly could. if it weren’t her racing thoughts keeping her up, it was withdrawal keeping her awake and pacing about the apartment like a madwoman. too many nights she would stay awake flipping through garbage television shows or binge-watching documentaries to distract her from cravings or her mood swings, or to keep her from realizing she was sweating too goddamn much for someone who wasn’t actively doing anything. when that got old she’d move on to something else, opening and closing her cabinets to make sure she was well-stocked with food that she didn’t feel like eating because her stomach was roiling and keeping her from feeling hungry, or making sure her weapons were in working order. she’d disassemble and reassemble each gun over and over obsessively just to have something to do, to keep her hands moving so she didn’t chew her nails off, tired eyes trained on the clock to find that mere minutes had passed rather than the hours she’d hoped for. sometimes she’d call benny or simply show up at his door, but after a few nights of that mercy knew better than to ever try it again. while she had made it distinctly clear that her intentions would never waver, that their friendship would never dip into any other territory other than where it was and would always remain, it wouldn’t stop him from acting weird after a while.

when niko had claimed her heart, some of these behaviors changed.

when he was there with her, it made it easier to pass the time. being alone in the wee hours of the morning had once been torture. when she had someone to spend that time with, it wasn’t quite so bad. granted, she hadn’t wanted him to see her so erratic, to watch her deal with her addictions and dependence on nearly every unsavory substance under the sun, but he also was someone that she could laugh with, and someone who didn’t mind her particular brand of humor or incessant yammering. if he did, he at least never said anything about it. 

sometimes they’d share a few drinks—more than a few on her part at least—to ease the tension, at least in the beginning. but as time dragged on and the closer they would get, mercy found herself abstaining from just about everything more and more. when he’d bring something up from a night they’d been together and she couldn’t remember it, mercy found herself more than a little embarrassed. the woman had too many secrets, had to be discreet, and if she couldn’t even remember saying or doing something in the company of someone she actually enjoyed being around, why continue to do it? waking up with scrapes and bruises and being sore in places she didn’t know she had was no way to live, especially when she couldn’t be certain where any of that discomfort came from.

and honestly? she wanted to remember the time she spent with him. to etch each moment in her heart and in her mind because it was all significant, even if he didn’t feel the same. maybe he did. but mercy wasn’t the type to ask.

soon enough, the nights he was there and she was wrapped up in his arms, the woman found herself relaxed enough to actually fall asleep, even if only for a few hours. maybe this time she’d slept through the night, though she couldn’t say she remembered making the journey from her couch to the bed, but when her eyes opened she found herself nestled against niko’s side and wrapped up in fluffy blankets. it was warm. comfortable. she was tempted to remain there for a little while longer, to try and get just another hour or so more of rest, but she knew enough about herself to realize such a thing just wasn’t possible. no matter how much she tried, her internal clock made her ready to move just before daybreak. usually she would have gotten up to stretch and get ready for her morning jog, but… well, fuck it. staying this close to niko was more rewarding than any of that, and it wasn’t like she couldn’t do it later.

perhaps she shifted, or he’d been awake to notice the shift in her breathing, because she felt his arm drape over her waist and pull her in a bit tighter.

she took that as her cue to roll over and face him, and she pressed a soft kiss to his cheek.

“mornin’. have ya been up all night?”

it wouldn’t have been uncommon, no matter how tired he always seemed to be. mercy only hoped he’d managed to get some kind of rest. he needed it. fuck, he deserved it.

“got anywhere ya need to be anytime soon? i can make breakfast if ya want.”

it was the only thing, aside from risotto, that she could actually make after all. and maybe it would entice him to stick around for just a bit longer. she wanted to see him as much as she could before he had to leave her for the day after all.

[mercyxkilling]

tell me what you find most attractive about my muse

@emptyvictory​ said: "What do I find most attractive about you? You are very dedicated to the people you are close to. Your men, your niece and nephew. I never thought I would be part of that, but it is...very attractive to me." He was very awkward about things like this, taking and giving compliments, but he knew that was true. "You are very beautiful woman, yes, but you are also a very good friend and someone I would trust with my life. There are not many people I can say that about."

mercy was trying so hard not to react too much, afraid that if she did it would prevent niko from saying more. but that was the key word: trying. the smile he had managed to pull from her was one borne of genuine happiness, something that she found herself experiencing more often than not each time they were together. it wasn’t something she’d ever imagined could happen, or that he would have been the one to make her feel so fucking special, but it wasn’t as if she didn’t like it.

fuck no. she loved it. every goddamn second of it.

it didn’t matter how much time they spent together, on or off the job. mercy never tired of having him near, and on the occasions he opened up to her like this, it always felt significant. the fact surprised her, given her propensity to grow bored of damn near everything, but with niko mercy was never bored. he still made her heart race, and sometimes she still even felt a little nervous. nothing like she used to be, of course, but just enough to remind her of the depth of her feelings for him, and just how much weight his opinions had to her.

“thank you. i’m... happy to hear ya say that. like... really happy.” her tone was strangely gentle, holding within it a tenderness that even she wasn’t accustomed to. it had taken her a long time to be able to accept such direct compliments like this, and even longer to take them to heart. but she knew niko was sincere, that he wasn’t prone to flowery yet hollow words.

mercy sidled up closer to him to rest her head against his shoulder, reveling in the nearness of him. it all still didn’t feel real, the idea of being able to share this feeling with someone else. she’d never thought she was capable of it, or that she even deserved it, or that she’d find anyone who would be willing to put up with her at all, but... somehow it had happened.

“i’d do anything for ya, ya know that, right? ya’ve always been there for me, so... i wanna do the same. so i want ya to know that as long as i’m breathin’, i’ll be here. whatever ya need, i’ll do it, or at least help. no matter what.”

[mercyxkilling]

76 reasons to kiss meme

@emptyvictory said:  33 .  kiss in a dream  . (This could be interesting lol)

it was strange, really, just how much her life had changed since they’d first met, all those years ago. if anyone had asked her if this was how she had thought her life would have turned out back then, she would have laughed in their faces. it hadn’t ever crossed her mind, the idea of loving someone, or being loved by someone in return. mercy had always assumed that she would be alone, either because she couldn’t find anyone she considered worthy of her time, or because no one would have been able to stomach being around her for quite so long. but in this context she didn’t mind being proven wrong. 

niko had stayed with her, despite all the garbage they both had been through. sometimes she wondered how either of them had remained this patient with one another for so long. there had been times when she knew she had grated on his nerves. mercy wasn’t exactly the easiest person to get to know, she knew that, and rarely did people want to stay and push past all of the aggression and terrible jokes and even more terrible habits to peel back the layers to see what was really there underneath. she had always been terrified to let anyone know too much about her, either. there were awful things hiding beneath the surface. many times she had tried to keep him from knowing more, yet somehow he’d always managed to get it out of her. she just couldn’t lie to him, or hide things from him. and over time, mercy had learned that she simply didn’t want to anyway. over time, she learned that theirs was a real, solid connection, and one that she’d never thought could have come to fruition.

getting to know niko hadn’t been an easy process either, though. despite how much she’d tried to be there or how much she tried to let him know that she was happy to be some kind of support, it had taken quite some time for him to even start to share some of his past with her. not that she didn’t understand why once he’d told her a few things; he’d been through so much, from his childhood (for all the time he got to have one) to where he was then when they’d first met, he’d been fighting, struggling with a heavy weight that sat on his shoulders, one that was so great it would have made atlas sweat. and after he opened up, even just a little bit, mercy had been careful not to pry too much, or to be too nosy. if he wanted to share things with her, she had wanted to be certain it was of his own volition, not because she was prying. she knew there were many things she hadn’t wanted to talk about after all, and how mad it made her when people poked and prodded at her when she so clearly was trying to keep them away. eventually he learned to trust her with more and more things, though, and she had always been grateful for each new memory he had decided to share. she didn’t always have the answers that he may have wanted, or didn’t know what to say to ease his burdens, but mercy at least knew when to listen, and sometimes that was really all a person needed.

and, before she realized it, she’d fallen in love with him.

it hadn’t been an easy relationship, though, in the beginning. there had been arguments, certainly. times when the tensions were so high that they’d yell and break things and slam doors, but, even when things were terrible and they were at their lowest, somehow they always seemed to find something there worth saving, feelings worth fostering and keeping safe. no matter how much things seemed to try and tear them apart, no matter how angry or upset they could be with one another, it hadn’t ever changed the fact that there was a solid connection there, borne of shared hardship and a mutual understanding of just how much a life of violence could shape and change a person. it wasn’t a connection that either of them had expected to find, but because it was genuine, it was worth hanging on to. mercy had to rethink some things, maybe break a few bad habits or find new ways to cope with stress, but it had been something she was wholly ready and willing to do. she loved niko. it was all the motivation that she needed then. it still was even now, if she were to be honest.

and as things changed and as they grew together, a very real decision had to be made: what kind of life were they going to lead after the dust had settled? they’d gotten the answers to their questions: niko had found darko, and mercy had found who had killed her father. it would have been easy to continue living that life of violence that they both knew, but just because it was the only thing they had known didn’t mean they wanted to perpetuate that cycle anymore. mercy didn’t know how good she’d be at civilian life, but she also knew that she was happy to give it a shot. it made it much easier knowing that she wasn’t going to have to do it alone.

it was hard to adjust to a life of obscurity, but it wasn’t as if she outright hated it. she just simply wasn’t used to the idea of doing things by the book or bending the rules in ways that made things easier for her and those that she cared for. mercy still saw a lot of the men that had worked with, most of them choosing to stay and do legitimate work at the garage, but she missed the ones that had left to find work elsewhere, or those that were gone because they had been killed. there were days that she wondered if she could have helped them more, could have saved them, and there were times that she wondered if any of this had been worth it. but as mercy wandered the halls of the home she shared with niko, and as her eyes lighted upon each photo, each marker of a memory they had shared, it hadn’t been hard to find an answer to that question. she’d make the same decisions a thousand times over, even knowing the pain that it could cause, if it meant it would lead her here again.

the light filtering in from the windows had begun to grow weaker as the afternoon started to come to a close. niko would be home soon, probably worn out from driving his fares all around the city and listening to them incessantly jabber on and on about god only knew what, and she wanted to be certain that all of the chores around the house were done so he’d have one less thing to worry about when he did get back. dinner had already been made, so that wasn’t something that was too much of a pressing issue. mercy had never fancied herself a chef, but she was learning, little by little. it had been necessary so they could save cash, another concept that mercy was having to wrap her head around. while she still earned enough from restorations and repairs at the shop, it certainly didn’t make the kind of money she’d been used to. she’d made sacrifices and learned to budget, which was integral to their well-being now more than ever. she’d since brought her nieces and nephews into the fold and made sure they were well-fed and clothed, or that had they things that they wanted, and that wasn’t exactly easy on their wallets. but that was okay. mercy didn’t mind it all that much. it had gotten those kids away from her brother, and while things certainly weren’t perfect, she’d liked to think that because they were with her and niko they were now afforded a space where they could grow into the people they wanted to be. here they had the freedom to grow and meet their potential without having to worry about conforming to strict rules or facing harsh judgement. they were allowed to be who they were, and while it had taken some time, they’d all managed to form a cohesive family, tightly knit and close. it had taken some time to get to that point, of course, but anything that was worth doing wasn’t always easy. the kids took time to warm up to niko, and perhaps it took him just as long to be fully comfortable around them, but eventually they’d managed to reach some kind of harmony.

she had helped them all with their homework, talked them through issues they were having at school, made plans to pick them up from practice after classes, and read a bit of the velveteen rabbit for junko before mercy made sure they were ready for bed. their lunches were already made and ready for the next morning to take with them, so she was feeling quite accomplished. now all that remained was to wait for niko to come home, so that was what she did. mercy curled up on the couch in the living room and cradled a cup of hot tea in her hands as she watched the ticking of the clock on the wall nearby.

it wasn’t long until she heard the car pull up in front of the house, and soon the front door opened and he came in, looking a bit tired, as expected. she hoped that his day hadn’t been too taxing, but judging by his demeanor things must not have been quite so bad. he seemed to be in good spirits from what she could see, and she was grateful for that.

“hey there, darlin’. i made dinner if yer hungry,” she said as she set the cup on the coffee table and stood, motioning for him to follow her into the kitchen.

the two of them made the short trek into the other room where she gestured to the plate on the table, pleased that her culinary prowess had gotten so much better than when she’d first started trying to cook. she had no doubt that niko was happy about it too, though he never really said much about it. while mercy did her best not to show it, it was something she was pretty self-conscious about. he’d been kind enough not to pick at her for it, despite her harshest critics upstairs having plenty to say about her misadventures in the kitchen.

she watched his eyes light upon the sink. he’d seemed to take note of the fact that she’d cleaned up the dishes and scrubbed the counters, that she’d made sure that everything was in the right place. it might not have seemed like something to celebrate to most, but when you lived a busy life with work and with kids, it had been hard to keep things tidy most of the time. the fact that mercy had a cleaning lady to take care of that for her in the past also meant that she needed to learn how to handle clutter herself. she was pleased with how much she had changed, at how well she’d adapted to this life of such domesticity. when she met his gaze and saw the way his mouth was curved into a faint smile, maybe he liked it, too.

“so. tell me ‘bout yer day.”

she wanted to know everything, or at least everything he felt like talking about. he nodded, but hesitated before sitting down at the table to eat, instead choosing to cross the small distance that remained between them to press an affectionate kiss to her lips. her eyes fluttered closed as she returned it, happy to feel the way he threaded his fingers through her hair as his breath intermingled with her own. it was so odd to think about, where they’d both come from and just how much they’d overcome. but they’d done it together, and they always would have each other. it had been a difficult journey, but one she would gladly take over and over again if she were given the choice. she’d never imagined a life of such a quiet yet happy existence, but it wasn’t as if she were complaining. it had been worth it, since it led her here.

she pulled away from niko and opened her mouth to speak, but found that no words would come. instead, mercy heard an incredibly loud ‘bang!’ and it cut through her awareness so sharply that it pulled her back into reality.

her eyes snapped open and she shot up, awake and alert, wondering just what the hell had happened.

“what? what’s goin’ on?”

she blinked once, twice, as she looked around the room. she was in her office, and by the way the sky looked from the window it was getting pretty late. she must’ve somehow fallen asleep in the middle of ordering parts for a new restoration that came in that day, but in her defense, it was kind of a boring task and she had already been pretty tired from all the running around she’d been doing earlier the week. she couldn’t say for sure what had caused her subconscious to fabricate such a… fanciful and elaborate dream, though. 

“mercy,” benny’s voice drew her attention to where he was standing at the door, and she found him wearing an amused smirk on his face. “y’know, it’s pretty bad when we can hear ya snorin’ over all the noise we’re makin’ out here. go home. get some sleep.”

“aw, fuck you, benny,” she snarled in response, but knew he was probably of the right mind on this one. she did need rest. “... maybe i should go home, though. sleepin’ in here is awful for my back. an’ apparently it gives me the weirdest fuckin’ dreams.”

“i feel like yer tryin’ t’get me t’ask about yer dreams, but i’m not gonna bite, mercy. if i wasn’t in it i don’t fuckin’ care.”

fair enough. she didn’t exactly want to tell him that she’d dreamt of a different life, one she shared with a man that he still was having trouble accepting having around. and he’d probably make fun of her for how much she actually kind of enjoyed the idea of it, too. but there were still things that she needed to do, and while she did come to care for niko quite deeply, this kind of thing was… a bit much, and it was too early to think about.

she stood up and grabbed her jacket from the back of the chair and shrugged it on before making her way to the back doors to the parking lot. as she got into her car she wondered, albeit only briefly, if she could ever actually settle into a life like the one her brain had conjured up for her just moments ago, and if it would have been so bad to try.

maybe it was something to consider at a later date. but for now… a girl could dream, right?

[mercyxkilling]

relationship building meme!

@emptyvictory said: ⭐️ ⭐️ ⭐️

i can always count on my bae rory to send me the memes... and it mfing warms my cold, black, barely-beating heart every time. but this isn’t what we’re here for! so let’s get to it, shall we?

niko is probably the only person who knows the extent of what mercy had to deal with growing up. not even benny nor vinnie, the two people in her crew that she trusts more than the others and the two that have known her/have been with her since the start, know just how deep that wound truly is, though they clearly have an idea of the damage its done. but because part of her does want to address that trauma, and because of how much she trusts him, niko knows it all - the nights she’d go to bed hungry, the way her brother forced her to swallow a handful of change (and also how those coins are still stuck in her larynx to this day and it makes an audible sound if she chooses to demonstrate), the verbal beat-downs that she still struggles to convince herself weren’t true, the physical altercations that were bad enough to leave scars (and give her flashbacks just by touching a broom handle), the way she was taken to “camp” to convert her into something her family would consider less of an abomination and the indignities she had to deal with there... he knows it all, or at least the vast majority of it. considering her massive dislike and even repulsion at the idea of anyone else knowing her so intimately, as this knowledge could eventually be weaponized to cut her even deeper, she doesn’t regret telling him anything or being so vulnerable with him. she knows he wouldn’t say anything to intentionally cause her harm.

while mercy doesn’t mind losing to niko when they play pool, darts, bowling, or whatever else homeboy is clearly going to be better at than she is, it’s been decided (whether spoken or no) that the two of them probably shouldn’t play anything else that’s considered to be competitive. she is a sore winner and even more of a sore loser, the latter especially if she thinks whatever they’re doing is something she should be dominating in. while she would never be completely terrible to him outright, nor would she let anything carry over into the rest of their relationship, it’s just... it’s better that he not be exposed to that side of her too frequently, if at all. given the fact that she’s Like This(TM) and niko has a temper, as does mercy, it just seems like the better idea for them in the long run to not test those waters, lol. anything that is considered competitive should always be handled in a way that they’re both on the same team. they already work and mesh well together in a lot of ways so i don’t see how that couldn’t extend even to more mundane things such as playing a board game or card game or anything else they might get their hands on (or that mercy can talk him into, and you can best believe she’ll try to talk him into doing all of these things). i’m sure that, if/when he introduces homegirl to roman and mallorie, they’re both like “jfc y’all are ridiculous and fucking intense, we don’t wanna play this game with you anymore damn,” but they’ll also probably like the fact that niko found someone that can make him chuckle more than twice in one evening. (and because i mentioned bowling earlier on... i’d like to think if either of them are ever like “yo d’you wanna go bowling?” it’s an invitation for sexy times rather than actually going bowling. ;3c)

niko is the only person that mercy has invited to her apartment that she’s ever wanted to actually stay, and is, eventually, the only person she’s ever actually slept next to in her own bed. this is because she’s always found the idea of having someone around for long incredibly exhausting and simply not worth the trouble. too often could someone try to dig deeper into what she does and how nefarious those things can be. or, if she should develop feelings for anyone, she doesn’t know how to behave or what is considered ‘normal’ since she’s never been in love before and hasn’t exactly had a healthy example of what a relationship should be to use as a reference. once she moved past those fears and niko became more and more prominent in her life, mercy’s fears moved into a more superficial territory. while not all the time, the woman snores like someone’s dad. she’s also prone to terrible nightmares and even the occasional full blown night terror when she does actually sleep. mercy puts off a fuck ton of heat and, despite the fact that she could make it a point to sleep on the very edge of the bed away from him, mercy is a cuddler. she also shifts around in her sleep a lot, steals the covers, and probably has a lot of other issues depending upon what part of her narrative we’re talking about, since different substances can do different things to you when you pass out. so yeah... she almost dreaded the thought of sharing a bed with him for a while (and it was probably a contributing factor as to why it took her so long to become physical with him - though it isn’t as much of a factor as her own self-hatred and doubt, amongst other things). it takes her a long while to completely let all of that go, but once she does that aspect of their relationship is smooth sailing... and perhaps it’s a little too smooth considering how handsy she can get. always in private though, or at least where there’s not a chance of drawing too much attention to them, and it’s never anything outrageous or obvious either.  it should also be noted though... when he’s there mercy eventually does sleep just a little better, and eventually can sleep pretty well once things progress farther than a few nights of being together. she’s a little less tired, smiles a lot more, and isn’t quite so angry. homegirl is also prone to waking up early to make breakfast.

[mercyxkilling]

make my character feel loved!

@emptyvictory​ said: [For the 'make your muse feel loved' meme, which I really tried lol] Niko had never been good with words nor physical affection. He’d say most people didn’t have a kind word to say to him and kept him at arms length, and he was more than willing to do the same in return. Yet, Mercy was different and his opinion of her had shifted very quickly over the last while. More than he really knew how to handle or act on, but things had been getting easier. In his eyes, at least. So, as stiff as he usually was, he managed to pull her into an embrace with an ease that honestly surprised him somewhat. He wrapped his arms tightly around her for a moment as he rested his head against hers. “I am...glad you are here. You have been one of the best people I have met in this city.” And one of the few he had left.

while long periods of silence usually made her paranoid and got her wrapped up in her own thoughts, mercy had learned some time ago to embrace the quiet when she was with niko. not every moment needed to be filled with idle banter, and glad was she that he’d helped her realize that. it certainly took a lot of pressure off of her and the idea that she had to constantly be entertaining, and it had made her realize that he had actually wanted to be there with her, a notion that had taken some time to get adjusted to, to be sure. all too often she found herself buying into what her mother would say about her, that she truly wasn’t good for much of anything, despite how she might have portrayed herself to the rest of the world. it had made her wonder about the company she kept. who stayed with her because they wanted what she could give them and who stayed because they genuinely wanted to be around her?

funnily enough niko had been one of the few people that didn’t seem to want to just use her for her connections or to see what he could get out of her, despite the fact that their relationship had began as a business transaction essentially. he had still stuck around after the work was done and steadily their partnership evolved and grew into something else entirely, and while she wasn’t certain of what it was that she felt or where it was going, she knew that he was one of the few people that didn’t make her feel as if she were just someone or something to be used and cast aside. he stayed with her despite all her flaws, even when he saw her at her ugliest (emotionally and physically), and in spite of how much she’d relied on him, niko had never once made her feel like a burden. it was such a refreshing change of pace for her, yet because it was so foreign most of the time mercy didn’t know how to handle any of her feelings. it made everything confusing, frustrating, and so goddamn difficult, and yet... she knew she wanted to hold those feelings close all the same, as if they were the single most precious treasure on the face of the planet. no one else had treated her the way he had, and no one else had ever made her feel worthwhile. on the other side of that coin, niko had been probably one of the only people mercy had wanted to actually know, rather than simply shove out the door at the end of the day.

he seemed about as awkward and uncertain as she did though, which made everything all the more difficult at times. perhaps that was why his sudden embrace gave her such pause. in fact, it was a gesture that made her audibly gasp, though it was a very quiet sound all the same. it hadn’t even taken a full second though for her to reciprocate, burying her face into his chest as she allowed her eyes to flutter closed as she reveled in the sensation of his arms around her. the sound of his voice enveloped her and his scent brought her a sense of calm and familiarity she hadn’t known before. it was rare that he initiated such contact yet mercy wasn’t going to question it for fear that it’d prevent him from doing it again in the future. she might have wondered what it was that she’d done to provoke such a thing from him, but the sound of his heartbeat was far more appealing than getting caught up in her own head.

“well... i’m happy to be here. and i’m not goin’ anywhere either.”

she moved to press her chin against his chest so she could gaze up at him, taking a moment to fully read his expression and commit it all to memory, though mercy found herself wanting to do that with just about every second she spent with him lately.

“i’m really happy you feel that way. ‘cause honestly? you’re my favorite.”

it was such a simple thing to say, and perhaps it was a little childish, but it didn’t make it any less sincere. it didn’t take any of the weight off of what it meant to her in her heart of hearts. he was at the forefront of her mind more often than not and occupied the unclaimed territory of her heart. how could he not be one of her most favorite people she knew? 

[mercyxkilling]

send me a ★ and I’ll bold what applies to your muse.

@emptyvictory said: ★ 👀

I like you / I hate you / I dislike you / I (could) love you / You are (my chosen) family / I would take a bullet for you / I would shoot you / I would lie to your face / I would say something cruel to you on purpose / I would say something cruel to you accidentally  / I would cheat on you / I would physically hurt you / You annoy me / You amuse me / I’d laugh at you / I’d laugh with you / I’d manipulate you / You scare me / You confuse me / I wish I knew you better / I trust you (implicitly) / I don’t trust you / You inspire me / I consider you an equal / You are beneath me / You’re better than me / I would trust you with my life / I think you’re mean / I think you’re petty / I think you’re childish / I think you’re smart / I think you’re stupid / I think you’re a bad person / I think you’re a good person / I’m not sure what kind of person you are / I wish you would listen to me / I want to make you proud / I wish you would notice me / I want to impress you / I would hurt other people for you / I’m not sure how to make you happy / I’m a bad influence on you / You deserve better than me / We make a great team / I’d have a one night stand with you / I’d have a relationship with you / I would marry you / I fantasize about our life together / I would trust you with my most treasured belonging / I would tell you my darkest secrets / You disgust me / You intimidate me / I hope I intimidate you / I’d hug you / I’d let you hug me  / I’m scared of losing you / I don’t think you like me / I want to be better for you / I respect you / I don’t respect you / You’re my mentor / You’re my friend / You’re my best friend / I have a crush on you / I could easily watch you die / I’d get drunk with you / I’d party with you / I’d comfort you / I’d prank you / I’d spike your drink / I’d act behind your back / I’d abandon you / I’d hurt you to get what I want / I would choose my happiness over yours / I would choose your happiness over mine / I despise how much I care for you / I need you / I’m dependent on you / I don’t know what I’d do without you / I’m scared of you leaving me / I’d give my life for you / You frustrate me / I’d call for you in a time of need / I would protect you / I’d visit you in hospital / I’d carry you if you were hurt (well... he could lean on her anyway lmao) / I’d feel guilty if I hurt you / I’d let you be near me when I am vulnerable / I’d ignore a phone call from you / I’d call you at 3am / I’d break you out of jail / I’d get angry at you / I would shout at you / You’re too loud / You’re too quiet / You’re too sensitive / You can’t take a joke / You embarrass me / I feel nothing for you / You’re reckless / You’re bossy / You bore me / I would ask your advice / I would blame you for something I did / I would cry in your arms / You have the power to hurt me more than anyone else /

[mercyxkilling]

mass effect 2 sentence starters

@emptyvictory said: ❝ I have spent too much time and effort on this to let you get killed now. ❞

even in the midst of gunfire he still took the time to care for her. were mercy not trying to flatten herself against the nearby debris to shield herself she might have reveled in how much that meant to her. but once she was on a job it was as if a mental switch was flipped and she tended to turn everything else off, be it her emotions, physical pain, or anxiety. it was what made working with niko so difficult sometimes. it wasn’t his fault, of course, but her own; she needed to stop being so extreme in her compartmentalization. but as their relationship evolved and grew into... whatever it was that they had, whatever they were calling it without actually calling it anything, not yet at least... mercy found herself distracted often when they worked together. despite the fact that she knew he could handle himself and that he wasn’t unfamiliar with danger, she would constantly check to make sure he was there and that everything was fine. 

for him though, handling it all seemed almost as natural as breathing.

she’d find balance eventually. a shame mercy couldn’t have figured it out before she had to shelter herself from a hail of bullets, but she was getting better. “good thing i don’t plan on dyin’ any time soon then, yeah?” the redhead turned to look at niko long enough to offer up a wink and a lopsided grin. she had been given the opportunity to do some soul searching lately (well... less being handed the chance to do it and more of a desire to give it a try) and found that there were a few things she wanted to stick around for. regardless of all her reckless behavior up to that point she still hadn’t died yet. maybe the universe had been trying to tell her something, and now she was finally listening.

besides. if they were together there didn’t seem to be much they couldn’t do.

[mercyxkilling]

affectionate prompts

@emptyvictory​ said: “  why are you smiling at me like that?  ”

she liked seeing him like this. more relaxed, if only just a little bit. always it seemed like there was something coming after them that it rarely afforded either of them a chance to really let go. but in this moment? everything felt a little lighter, and it allowed her a chance to truly appreciate things and how they’d progressed between the two of them. how it had shifted from being awkward and stiff to genuine friendship, and then to all of this. caring about anyone else in such a capacity wasn’t something mercy had considered herself capable of, but she was happy to be proven wrong. at least in this context. not that she’d ever actually say that shit out loud.

the woman propped her elbow up on the counter, chin in hand, as she watched him wander about the kitchen. it was odd, taking such pleasure in something so fucking mundane, but hey. she found more and more things to enjoy or be happy about lately, and she wasn’t going to question that.

but he must have felt her eyes on him given the way he turned and asked her that question, and immediately she felt like a fool. oh god, how long had she been staring at him like that? she must have looked so damn stupid.

“uh... l-like what? i’m... i’m not smilin’. shut up.”

she turned to look away, as if everything else in the apartment were infinitely more interesting than him. 

well. it had been good while it lasted at least, right?

[mercyxkilling]

affectionate prompts

@emptyvictory said: [ SLEEP ]  one muse discovers the other napping and simply joins them.  - also this one because I like it lol

mercy hadn’t realized how late it had gotten. she tried not to let herself get too wrapped up in her work, but lately it seemed to be all that ever happened. each time she would get up to leave she’d find something else that needed to be done, and before she knew it she would find herself alone in the garage, wondering just how the fuck she would ever manage to get any sleep. at least enough sleep to fucking function. thankfully niko was supposed to head over to the apartment that night, so that fact prevented her from staying much longer. it felt like it had been a while since she’d last gotten a chance to see him, at least at length, and she was glad to finally have that chance. it put a bit of a spring in her step as she made her way to her car, and it was what made her drive a little faster on the way home. she just hoped she could manage to stay awake long enough to make his trip there worth it. even despite the insomnia that plagued her, mercy knew that she’d been running herself ragged the past few days. hell, she’d even managed to fall asleep earlier in the day when she was at her desk.

whatever. she’d sleep when she was dead. niko was more important.

traffic, however, had been more congested than usual, so the drive home had taken her longer than she had anticipated. he’d probably beat her there, a thought that annoyed the hell out of her, but whatever. it wasn’t like he couldn’t let himself in. and it wasn’t like he wouldn’t understand either. they both were always busy, always being pulled in every direction, that they afforded one another with a bit of patience here and there. it didn’t stop her from trying to weave her way through the row of cars in front of her to get home faster, though.

by the time she finally pulled into the parking lot and hustled up to her door, though, it had gotten later still. hopefully he wasn’t too annoyed with her, but she’d deal with that if she had to. when mercy walked inside she didn’t see him in the front room, and things seemed relatively still. maybe he’d gotten tired of waiting on her and left already. not that she could have blamed him for it. he was a busy guy, after all. still, there was a bit of disappointment there, if she were to be completely honest. maybe someday she’d get better at managing her time so this wouldn’t have to happen again. 

but if he wasn’t there she supposed this was as good a time as any to get the rest she so sorely needed. mercy made her way down the hall to her bedroom, but she found niko there, asleep in the bed. a small, barely perceptible smile tugged at her lips. it was always nice to see him get a chance to rest. he deserved it. among many other things.

a sigh fell from her lips as she stepped out of her shoes and crossed the room to crawl across the bed and lie down next to him, wriggling in close. he shifted to wrap an arm around her and mercy pressed closer to him still, leaning in to give him a soft, delicate kiss before allowing herself a chance to get a bit of rest herself.

fuck it. it didn’t matter if they were awake or not. they were still together. that’s all she cared about.

[mercyxkilling]

birthday things <3

@emptyvictory said:  Niko was never big on birthdays, at least for himself. He usually liked to let his pass in obscurity and with the holiday rush, it was easy to forget. Yet, he had never had such a conversation with Mercy on what she liked to do. Still, he knew an acknowledgement went a long way. So, he found himself approaching from behind early in the day, slipping his arms around her middle and pressing a kiss to her neck. Perhaps a little more affectionate than usual but he was trying to relax with how stiff he could still be with her. “Volim te,” he muttered into her neck before pulling back to speak a little more clearly, “Happy Birthday. Whatever you want today, it is yours.”

part of her had wanted to make plans for something big, and another told her that was too exhausting and far too much work. the previous year her men had arranged for a party, and while it had been fun, mercy found that her interests were shifting quite a bit lately. she didn’t really feel like getting obliterated like she used to, and she didn’t feel the need to have all that attention anymore. she was a little less wild and reckless, though not by much. but she decided that this was a birthday she actually wanted to remember, so she had made sure vinnie and benny both wouldn’t plan anything ridiculous.

but what did she want to do...? for the first time in a long while she didn’t really have much of an idea on that. but before she could get too involved in trying to figure it out, she felt niko’s arms snake around her, felt his kiss press against her neck. her eyes fluttered closed, simply enjoying the feeling of having him close, before twisting in his embrace to face him and wrap her arms around him in kind.

“i love you, too.” still felt a little weird coming out of her mouth, and she was trying to learn how to get around that, but it didn’t mean the phrase wasn’t sincere. she did love him. but it was still something she’d never thought she’d be able to share with anyone else. “mmn, are ya sure? ya could be signin’ up for somethin’ ya might not want to do, y’know.”

she offered him a playful, crooked smile. in spite of her words, however, she hadn’t really planned on dragging him around the city today. she didn’t need to be entertained. having him here was enough.

“i do want a cake, though. that’s my only requirement.”

[mercyxkilling]

idiots to lovers romantic starters

@emptyvictory​ said: “i’m not going anywhere.”

her abandonment issues must have been showing if niko felt like he needed to tell her that, but it didn’t mean she didn’t appreciate it any less. she did feel fucking foolish that she’d let that side of her show at all, especially in front of him, even after all they’d been through. she hated looking weak, looking vulnerable, especially to niko. he was the one person whose opinion mattered the most to her (maybe aside from vinnie, but she rarely went to him for anything anymore). but mercy also knew that it wasn’t hard to infer just how deeply she wanted someone to be there when she needed them, if only just to have close by and to know that she wasn’t doing this alone. sure, she had her crew, but they were motivated by money mostly. not that they didn’t care about her too, but... what she shared with niko was much, much different. and she’d always been so fucking afraid of getting too close to anyone for fear that they’d learn who she really was and dip as soon as they did.

she knew she was too much. the woman was reckless and could be intolerant and impatient. she was hot-tempered and volatile, prone to mood swings that made no sense, and repeatedly threw herself into dangerous situations because she simply hadn’t cared whether she lived or died.

the latter part had definitely changed recently, but it also didn’t change the fact that her life was riddled with danger, whether it was in the form of drive-by shootings, attempted kidnappings, break-ins, shoot outs, turf wars... the list went on, really. mercy never wanted to let anyone in or let them get too close because it was entirely possible that her connections with people would be weaponized, used to hurt her in some way. or maybe these people who wanted to grow closer were just using her, reporting what they heard back to her mother, in hopes of gaining favor with other families. and if she ever became involved with anyone outside of the life... well. she just couldn’t see it happening. ever. there would be too many questions that she couldn’t answer, and there was no place for secrets in a relationship. and how the hell was she supposed to explain what she did to some average joe that might have caught her fancy? not that she saw that happening any time soon; she had little time to spend courting anyone and the very idea of it exhausted her. 

and yet. she still craved that kind of connection with another person. she had benny, but she couldn’t be what he wanted her to be for him. she had vinnie, but he was getting older and she knew that he wasn’t going to stick around forever. he had a family, and mercy wanted him to leave to be a better father to his children and an even better husband than he already was to his wife. mercy wasn’t his child, and he needed to let go of that idea and move on with his life, the other men in her group were all different, all special, and she wanted better lives for all of them eventually. and with that being the case it meant that, once again, she was going to be alone again. just her against the world, fending off her mother and brother, and the very idea of that brought back so many memories that she had tried so hard to suppress because they were so painful. it wasn’t that she couldn’t handle it on her own, since she had for so long after her father’s death and before she found herself in the position of a leader to so many, but mercy simply didn’t want to have to go through it alone. it wasn’t anyone’s responsibility to make sure she didn’t spiral downward or to do anything stupid that could end up with her being killed, and it sure as hell wasn’t anyone else’s job to take care of her... but knowing that at least someone cared enough to stick around despite all of that meant more than words could ever adequately express.

she’d told a lot of this to niko, mercy had wanted him to know that, eventually, she wanted a normal life. living the way she had been didn’t end well for a lot of people she’d known. many were in jail, even more had been killed. and part of her just wanted peace, if such a thing could ever be possible for her. she just didn’t know how that was going to happen. and if her life changed that drastically, who was she going to have left?

and he’d said the words that she exactly had needed to hear.

he wasn’t going to leave her. 

part of her almost knew that, but it didn’t change the fact that she’d wanted--needed--to hear that. to have that reassurance that no matter what happened, he was going to be there. the thought alone almost brought her to tears. almost. she refused to let herself cry in front of him even after all they’d shared and had been through. mercy knew how awkward it would have made him feel to see her tears, and she wasn’t about to put him through that, even if they would have been happy ones.

“i know. and i’ll always be grateful to ya for that. i still don’t know why ya haven’t left yet but... i’m still so glad you’re here. thank you.”

he might not have said much, but when he did, it was almost always what she needed to hear. it was just another reason why she’d fallen so hard for him.

[mercyxkilling]

send  💋 to shut my muse up with a kiss!

@emptyvictory said: 💋 :)

she talked a lot. mercy knew that much without ever having to be told. part of it was almost a coping mechanism; the more that came out of her mouth the less time she had to spend in her own head wrestling her own mental violence, but it also meant that it could shove a lot of people away because they grew tried of her constant blabbering. somehow, despite the fact that niko didn’t seem like a very talkative or even a patient man, he’d always stuck around, always listened, and always seemed to remember even just the smallest details that she might have mentioned in passing. just like the time she’d mentioned, only once, that the airport was one of her favorite places to be. and while the trip there hadn’t exactly gone as she’d hoped, they’d managed to move past that, and even in spite of how the conversation had gone, things had turned out far better than she could have hoped for. despite her stumbling over her words and her confession to him of how she felt, things had seemed to have fallen apart. the first real connection she’d ever felt had slipped through her fingers and she felt like she had lost it all before she’d even had a chance to really have a grip on any of it. it felt as if it were just one more thing that she’d fucked up, and one more person that she’d pushed away or had simply been taken from her, and it had been all her fault. but she knew what she felt, and he had the right to know the truth then, just as he always had the right to her absolute honesty. so... she said it. or rather just blurted it out and laid it all out in his lap without even thinking about how it would affect him or how he’d react or just how unfair it all was to verbally vomit all over him without a second thought, but because of her incessant need for openness and being forthright, she’d just... said it without thinking it through. but niko had deserved to know after how long they’d danced their dance around their feelings before, and mercy had owed him that much after all of that. so she’d told him exactly how she felt. the truth.

she loved him.

because of how everything had worked out before, she had honestly thought he’d react more favorably than he had. and that had been her fault for just assuming things, for thinking that feelings were just that easy to know and understand, especially when it came to niko. mercy should have known better, and she had felt like such an idiot after it all happened. they way they’d parted ways that evening felt like it was going to be the last time she’d ever see him, at least voluntarily, considering they’d cross paths eventually given the lives they lived. and part of her assumed that she’d find him on the other side of enemy lines, ready to put a bullet between her eyes after their relationship had disintegrated because of her own stupidity.

but eventually... he came to her and told her he loved her too. 

and as beautiful as those words were, and how wonderful they were to hear, mercy didn’t know where they were going to go from there. she knew that loving someone while leading the kinds of lives that they both did was probably the worst thing they could do to each other. too many things could happen. things were too dangerous, it was too costly to get too close to anyone. she’d learned that the hard way each time a mission went sideways and she lost one of her boys. as much as she’d tried to keep everyone at arm’s length it was hard to do when she cared so much for the people she surrounded herself with. and niko... niko had become someone special to her in a short amount of time. mercy had no real idea how it had happened or why it had, but try as she might to have deny it all, it had never worked. he made her laugh. he gave her advice that actually meant something to her when she had to deal with so much. he put up with her weird habits and interests. he always seemed grateful when she made breakfast the few nights he’d stayed in her guest room. he asked questions that seemed to suggest that he actually wanted to know more about her, that maybe, just maybe, he cared about her. and then he kissed her. ever since that night... it had been hard not to think about him differently. she had found herself staring at his mouth when he’d speak to her, wondering what it’d feel like to have his lips on hers once more. she noticed more and more just how broad his shoulders were, or how intense he could be when it counted. he was reliable, efficient, hard-working, and put up with the initial distrust of her men just so he could work with her. it had been impossible to deny how she felt. and so she bridged that gap, finally, by kissing him. for real that time. and it had been... liberating. 

but now... now they were walking into unknown territory, and mercy, once again, didn’t know what was right or what was wrong, what to say or how to behave. were things supposed to change? was the woman supposed to say certain things or display some kind of grand gestures to prove just how much she deeply cared for this man? 

it was why, as they sat out on the balcony, like they had so many nights before, that mercy found herself talking incessantly yet again about... god, she didn’t even know what was coming out of her mouth half the time. she was just keeping her mouth moving so she wouldn’t have to think too much about it anymore, because the the more she did, the more afraid she was of fucking up and losing niko because of something stupid. her own mind was a dark place sometimes, and she could be capable of convincing herself that none of this was real, that she wasn’t worth the time or effort since she knew how hard she was to be with. every moment of silence was occupied by mental violence, and she had no idea how to really combat that other than just by talking about anything and everything. and that, too, had the woman wondering just what it was niko saw in her at all. she never shut up, and when she did she always could feel herself slipping into self-doubt and convincing herself that this was all a mistake and that she should have just let niko walk away after that first job. staying with her meant he was at risk of incurring the wrath of her mother and that woman’s connections ran deep. and if nothing came to happen to him, she knew that it was going to end up coming back to bite mercy in the ass for loving the man that had destroyed a very lucrative deal for marie and her cohorts.

mercy was afraid of a few things, some of them irrational, some of them truly understandable, but nothing terrified her more than the idea of having someone she cared for ripped away from her again. it would have very much destroyed her, and she didn’t want to have to hang another memento of a loved one up on the shelf or wall, next to the tri-folded flag from her father’s casket.

but she was still just... talking. and talking. and talking. and niko had spent enough time with her and knew her well enough to understand, at least to some degree, what was going on in her head and why she was doing this. maybe that was why the redhead found herself suddenly pulled in closer to him, silenced quite abruptly by his lips firmly pressed against hers. it had obviously taken her by surprise, but after a very brief moment she allowed herself to melt into the kiss, finding that, in that moment, nothing else really mattered but the fact that he was there, and that what they had was real. perhaps the single most real thing mercy had ever felt before for anyone.

fuck everything else. this? this was all that mattered. he was all that mattered. and she was such an idiot to not have realized that sooner.