#i'm just unable to open the e.nst.ars tag bc i keep getting envious over ppl who have the li.nk cl.ick card😭

[mishkakagehishka]

Well you asked for it so I am here to deliver. I feel jealous of you. Your capabilities writing, your passion for literature, the love you hold for it all, how much you know about it… even your love towards your ethnicity, and how you’re proud to be what you and not afraid to speak your mind when you feel like something important to you is not being taken with the gravity it should. I could never say this off of anon but… I am envious of you. You can take it as a compliment, since it has less to do with you as a person and more with my own internal turmoil since you just have things that I feel are lacking in me or I would like to strife for.

All that to say that I really respect you. I wouldn’t say I look up to you, even if you have qualities I’d like to work on within myself, but you have influenced me in a way to work on myself s little bit more sometimes… I don’t want to lose to my own negative feelings when they come more from a place of admiration than anything else.

So there’s your anonymous confession from me.

I think it'd be naive of me to respond to this with something like, "you don't have to be jealous or envious!" tbh, but I want to first say that I understand where you're coming from, and that it's, well, a bit impossible to just say "I don't have to feel like this, so I won't". Though I don't really have much experience with envy/jealousy, thankfully, I struggle with anger, as I'm sure you've noticed;; so I can relate to you on the side of "I have negative feelings towards a person, but I don't want to let myself fall into those negative feelings, but I can't help it either"

But, I'd like to say I'm proud of you (and I hope that doesn't come across as patronising! I just mean, it's good to hear, as people often don't do that as a reaction to such feelings) for recognising it as negative, and for turning it around to yourself by working on yourself. Abilities are nothing but practise (i've been writing for years, and still have moments where i'm unhappy with my work - often - art especially is something you can never be perfect at, but it's better to think of it as "art is something you can always improve at"), passions are... something you discover, you can come across them entirely by chance. And being unafraid to speak one's mind can sometimes cross over to "doesn't know which battles to sit out". All this to say, there's nothing special about me; everything I've achieved and I will achieve can be achieved by almost anyone else, too, I believe. You probably have many skills you're still unaware of, yourself, either because you don't see it, or maybe bc it's a skill you haven't thought to try yet, and passions are something you come across throughout life - maybe even that skill you have that you haven't tried will turn into your passion. You really never know where life takes you

But all in all - I believe you won't let yourself lose to your negative feelings, considering that you're this aware of them. I admire you right back for typing this out, actually, and I'm sure you'll be able to achieve so much, too. Continue striving to your goals and working on yourself, and don't worry too much even if you have to sometimes say "Ah, because I'm envious" as motivation - tho, if possible in any way, maybe just starting by saying "Ah, because I want to be like that person in this and that way" can help in a "fake it til ya make it" sort of way