#i'm not tagging fuckin doctor danger owner of magnet

[thebibliomancer]

Essential Avengers: West Coast Avengers #18: Lost in Space-Time, Part Two: TIME WAS...

March, 1987

Trapped in the OLD WEST -- it’s a SHOWDOWN -- up against the WILDEST OUTLAWS of the 1870′s!

Dangit, Englehart! You just wanted to do another cowboy story, didn’t you?

This man just can’t get enough of cowboys. He crammed one into the Celestial Madonna Saga aftermath too.

At least this trip to the olde times seems to have a more colorful cast and no Kang. I hope no Kang. I’m still Kanged out from that big Kang story that had all the Kangs.

Anyway.

Last time on West Coast Avengers: Hawkeye decided to recruit Firebird for the West Coast Avengers and took the team to go look for her. Instead of her, the team found some desert themed villains and their boss Dominus. Dominus tricked the West Coast Avengers into stepping on Dr Doom’s time machine and sends them back in time to get them out of his hair.

Meanwhile, Hank Pym stayed home to try to kill himself but Firebird (actually she’s calling herself La Espirita now) shows up and stops him by telling him the good news about Jesus. I’m exaggerating a little BUT ONLY A LITTLE.

See?

Over a two-page spread specifically to annoy me, La Espirita unpacks her less Jesusy argument in favor of life.

Although, Bonita has gotten even more into Jesus while she’s been off-page.

She tells Hank that he’s not a failure and she knows because she studied the Avengers’ files!

The coolest Avengers adjacent people are the ones who do the homework.

She points to his discovery of the Pym Particles, how he became Ant-Man, how he mastered robotics and invented Ultron-1.

Uh, hey, Bonita? That’s a bit of a sore spot?

And Hank argues that all of his accomplishments are so far back that he hardly remembers those days. He sidelined science to make superheroism his main goal and then he blew it!

La Espirita: “There’s always hope! Maybe you just didn’t do it right!”

Hank Pym: “‘Didn’t do it right’?! I did it four different ways!”

La Espirita: “But you tried to be a type of hero not in tune with your nature! You must try to be a hero as you are!”

Hank Pym: “What? The Amazing Lab-Man?”

La Espirita: “No! But use your skills as god gave them to you! Don’t try to be an Avenger like all the others! Be unique because you are unique! I came back to this compound to see the Avengers -- but I’ll stay to help you reclaim your life!”

Oh, so I guess she wasn’t just lurking in the bushes waiting to play guardian angel.

If the West Coast Avengers had waited a day, Bonita would have come to them and they wouldn’t be going on a cowboy adventure.

Makes you think.

And she’s given Hank a lot to think about too. When he protests that she doesn’t even know him, she replies “you’re a child of god, Hank -- as are we all!” and Hank throws down the gun and starts crying.

Now the healing can begin, I guess?

This is a weird subplot.

I guess I should just be glad that comics are mostly background radiation religious because otherwise I’m half expecting Hank to come out of this born again. Even though that’s not Bonita’s religion.

Anyway, the West Coast Avengers got sent back to cowboy times, right?

Well, they don’t know that yet.

They’ve just arrived in the stereotypical desert and are trying to get their bearings/having a breakdown.

Iron Man: “We’ve stopped!”

Wonder Man: “But when -- and where?”

Mockingbird: “Yes -- when? This could be prehistory! This could be any time -- there’s no way to tell in this desert! S.H.I.E.L.D. trained me in hard science, Clint -- not time travel -- !”

She’s been pretty chill about her life being comic book ridiculous but this is where she draws the line.

Hawkeye disagrees. This is all a perfectly logical chain of events to him! Which he ‘proves’ by recapping the previous issue.

Y’know, chased those four desert themed villains to a cave, met an alien spy, stood in a specific spot, sent back in time.

Nothing overwhelming there!

Mockingbird: “Oh, thank you, honey -- I understand everything now -- !”

But what she’s really thinking, in a thought bubble is: Maybe when I’ve been an Avenger as long as he has, I’ll think a story like that is logical -- but I doubt it!

Anyway, thank goodness they have Tony Stark, Iron Man, here to something something time travel!

Iron Man: “Well, any machine that Victor Von Doom can build, Tony Stark can operate -- so let me have a look at the controls -- ! Sure... there’s the temporal displace... the V.B.L. link...”

Cool technobabble, Tony.

Wonder Man Simon Williams gets annoyed with Tony here for JUST ASSUMING that he’s the only science guy here! Dangit, Simon used to science too! Sure, he seemingly hasn’t done any science in years and instead of getting back into science, he decided to become an actor but HOW DARE they not ask Wonder Man to do a science thing!

Wonder Man: They all ignored me when I was a coward, but now that I’ve gotten self-confidence, and Hollywood stardom -- Wonder Man’s getting tired of playing a supporting role!

So when Tony declares that the time machine is broken so that it can only go backwards in time and is skeptical about whether it can be repaired, Simon jumps in declaring he’ll take a look at it.

Wonder Man: “Let me take my turn at it, Iron Man! Simon Williams gave Stark International a good run for its money once!”

Iron Man: “ -- Until Stark International put you out of business -- ! Sure, Simon -- be my guest!”

Haha, ouch, Tony!

Still annoyed that Simon dissed the original Avengers and indirectly called you old, huh?

Before Simon can start trying to science harder than Tony, the West Coast Avengers hear a YA-HOOOO! beyond a nearby ridge. A YA-HOOOO! that Hawkeye recognizes.

Hey, it’s the Rawhide Kid, the Two-Gun Kid, and Ghost Rider (but not the motorcycle guy)!

So now the West Coast Avengers know they’re in the Old West. Handy that there were a bunch of cowboys around this specific middle of nowhere.

These specific cowboys are even engaged in very cowboy activities when the Avengers spot them. Hawkeye even suggests that the Avengers hang back and just let them cowboys cowboy.

Rawhide Kid kicks ass despite being a shortie, Two-Gun Kid shoots three guns out of three guys’ hands, and Ghost Rider lets himself get shot so the bullet can pass harmlessly through him.

Just normal, typical cowboy activity like never actually shooting bullets into a person.

After the... uh I don’t know if they were bandits or what they were up to but they sure get chased off. And while watching them go, Two-Gun spots the (West Coast) Avengers and gets really excited.

He gallops his horse forward to greet his “pard” Hawkeye.

Hawkeye catches his old pard up on what’s up with Hawkeye. Now there’s two whole Avengers teams, Hawkeye is leading one, and he married Mockingbird.

Iron Man is pretty excited to meet the Rawhide Kid because he’s read alllll the dime novels written about him!

Rawhide Kid: “G’wan -- who’d wanna write about a cowpoke like me?”

Steve Englehart holding up his hand, jumping up and down excitedly.

Anyway, Two-Gun exposits that in the Olde West it is now 1876, three years after the last time Hawkeye was back in past times and two years after Two-Gun went back to the past after getting his fill of the future/present.

And he explains that those dudes they were just fighting were robbing a stagecoach and working for several gang leaders who are the cowboy equivalent of supervillains.

There’s Iron Mask, the man in the iron mask who is invulnerable because he’s wearing an iron mask.

I don’t see how it matters. These good cowboys don’t seem to shoot anybody in the body anyway.

There’s Hurricane, a quick-draw guy in a snazzy shirt.

The Rattler, who brings the power of acrobatics to Old West crime.

Red Raven (yum?) who can fly thanks to a flying harness apparently made by I dunno some First Nations group or other.

Doctor Danger, Owner of Magnet.

And a guy who calls himself the Fat Man, who has a boomerang.

They were apparently inspired somehow by the stories of the cowboys and Avengers assault on Castle Kang.

The Sinister Six these ain’t. Hell, they ain’t even the Legion of Losers.

I do appreciate that their “powers” are kept within the realm of cowboy action. But Rattler and Red Raven (yum) break the aesthetic by having costumes indistinguishable from modern superhero/villain tights. They needed something more of the time period.

I imagine these outlaws having powers like “owns a magnet” is why Wonder Man is excusing himself from the plot. Iron Man could already mop up this whole group on his own; having Iron Man and Wonder Man would be over over kill kill.

So Wonder Man is going to fly off with the time machine and take it to the local blacksmith to help him repair it because he’s very sure he can do a better job than Iron Man can can.

(Part of the reason why Wonder Man thinks he can do a better job is that Doom’s time machine was invented around the time Simon Wonder Williams was in business with Williams Manufacturing. Sure, Simon hasn’t kept his hand in the science game but maybe that’s an advantage? Because Tony is probably getting himself confused by knowing about later technology. Except you’d think the time machine would be ahead of its time since I’m pretty sure that in the 60s, THE TIME MACHINE WASN’T A COMMON TECHNOLOGY.)

Anyway.

Since Wonder Man is going to be working on the time machine and the West Coast Avengers don’t have anything better to do, Hawkeye decides the team will help take down the Sarsaparilla Swilling Six, or whatever they call themselves.

Iron Man agrees with the decision on the basis that it will keep their minds off being TRAPPED IN THE PAST FOREVER.

Tigra volunteers to ride with Rawhide Kid and immediately starts flirting, to his consternation.

It’s going to be later revealed that he’s gay. That’s not relevant but I just remembered it. He gets a Marvel MAX miniseries.

Mockingbird rides with Ghost Rider But The Cowboy One Not The Skeleton Man.

Hawkeye rides with Two-Gun so the two pards can catch up. They’re good pards.

And Iron Man flies ahead to see if he can spot the outlaws. I don’t know how heavy his armor is and I don’t know if he can ride a horse but anyway they’re out of horses.

He’s uneasy about being trapped in the past but he’s actually more uneasy that Wonder Man will show him up by fixing the time machine where Tony couldn’t.

Iron Man: “So much for being the more mature member of the team!”

Hey, admitting it is the first step. To something. I dunno.

Anyway. Pard catching up.

Two-Gun is in a weird state. He wasn’t happy in the future/present because there was just too much strangeness for a simple cowboy like him. But after seeing all the wonders of the future/present, the year of 1876 seems... boring.

Hawkeye asks if Two-Gun would want to try the future/present again but he’s just not sure.

Tigra continues to flirt with Rawhide but he pays some compliments back, wondering why Two-Gun came back to the past/present if the future had women like Tigra.

Annnnnd.

Ghost Rider is being weird.

After being taciturn the whole time, he suddenly decides that Mockingbird is a goddess.

Oooookay.

Ahead of the riders, Iron Man has lost the fleeing outlaws. He chides himself for subconsciously assuming that cowboys are primitives because they seem to have outsmarted him.

Iron Man doesn’t think that he’ll be able to find them on his advanced sensors because men and meat without advanced technology doesn’t give much to detect but he tries anyway.

And his sensors ping something big and subterranean. Ah ha, thinks Tony, this is probably related to the outlaws clearly.

So he flies back to inform the others because:

Iron Man: “[The cowboys] should take the lead at the end, anyway! It must not have become permanent, since it didn’t make either the history books or the dime novels -- but just as Kang inspired this era’s ‘super-villains’, Two-Gun’s adventures with us have planted the Avengers’ spirit in this arid soil -- and this is one Avenger who wants to nurture that for all it’s worth!”

Tony be like well nothing we’re doing here is notable because I would have heard about it.

About an hour passes between Iron Man meeting with the others and telling them what he detected and Rawhide tracking the outlaws to a likely cave.

The West Coast Avengers plus cowboys charge in and see.... everyone.

Whoops. That’s a lot.

As the flying guy that flies, Iron Man immediately confronts Red Raven who is also the flying guy that flies.

Except, as far as I can tell, Red Raven is only a flying guy that flies. And Iron Man is walking, flying armory.

So Red Raven, a guy who doesn’t do anything except fly, has a bunch of dudes lasso Iron Man and try to drag him to the ground. Because this is cowboy times, of course, there’s lassos.

But Iron Man, who is a walking, flying armory, pulls back on the lassos and starts whipping around the army of lassoin’ mooks.

Hawkeye brags that Iron Man is the weakest member of the team and starts blowing up other mooks with his exploding arrows.

But he finds his arrows yoinked away by... DOCTOR DANGER, OWNER OF MAGNET!

Even Hawkeye, man who uses archery to be an Earth’s mightiest hero, thinks this is a ridiculous character concept.

And then Fat Man, owner of boomerang, knocks Hawkeye’s bow out of his hand with his boomerang.

Then Two-Gun shoots Fat Man’s boomerang to bits. Which. I guess. He’s just a guy now. He’s not even carrying an actual gun.

Doctor Danger, owner of magnet, tries pulling away Two-Gun’s two guns. And he also yoinks another arrow from Hawkeye.

Or Hawkeye let the arrow go because its one of his gas arrows.

Hawkeye pulls another one of his patented arrow based hoodwinks! Classic Hawkeye!

Meanwhile, Iron Mask grabs Mockingbird to use her as a hostage.

Geez, Mockingbird. He’s in a metal suit. He cannot be stealthy.

But Ghost Rider rides out of the shadows to save her.

Tigra squares off against Hurricane as he quick draws and fires at her feet. But she just dodges away because REFLEXES.

She dodges right into the grasp of Rattler but she shreds his costume with her claws and then hurls him at Hurricane, knocking them both out.

Wow. Tigra and Hawkeye knocked out two of these jokers each. And Mockingbird got captured. She is not doing well.

Oh and Iron Man rips off Red Raven (yum)’s wings because Red Raven is a man with the superpower of equipment based flight and owns a gun and has nothing else going for him.

Iron Man hasn’t even had to use his repulsors!

Granted, these are villains that are leveled to cowboy heroes. This is like rolling into the starting world in a video game with endgame heroes.

Iron Mask: “This can’t be happening! These -- these ringers have helped the kids best all my men! But Iron Mask is never caught unprepared! I’d hoped not to use him -- to keep him secret for my assault on the territorial capital -- but now -- Come forth, my secret weapon! COME FORTH!”

Haha what?

So Living Totem is from a 60s Rawhide Kid comic so he’s definitely in the idiom of this general cowboy times adventure, I guess.

But like.

Why?

Also: does he naturally look like this or did he decorate himself like a totem pole as camouflage when he was stranded on Earth?

In his original appearance, Rawhide Kid assumed that he was trapped underground by medicine men but I don’t know if he was just wildly speculating. Either way, this guy was buried underground but was freed when a silver mine Dug Too Deep and unleashed this hidden fun stuff.

Have no idea how Iron Mask convinced a giant alien that hates humans to work for his gang but there we are.

Anyway, Living Totem brags that he’s invulnerable to anything of Earth but that doesn’t stop the Avengers from collapsing a cliff on top of him.

To cap things off, this big boy was what Iron Man’s sensors detected.

Two-Gun and Rawhide drag the entire captured gang and gang leaders to the town jail.

I seriously doubt that the jail has enough cells for all of them but it lets Two-Gun feel accomplished.

And the Avengers West Coast assemble over at Boom-Boom’s smithery where Wonder Man admits that welp actually an old west blacksmith can’t actually help him repair a time machine.

Dangit, the irony of the situation is that the replacement parts they really need are transistors and even though Iron Man loves transistors like they’re his own children, the ones in his suits just aren’t the right type!

I actually do miss Iron Man talking about transistors whenever he did anything.

And the thing of it was the he did that because transistor revolution started in 1959, several years before Iron Man was introduced. So it was the big new technology and comic writers don’t often understand the big new technology except that it can be peppered through a story for flavor.

So if Iron Man was invented today, would his armor be crypto powered? God I hope not. Transistors were actually useful.

Anyway.

Two-Gun is right on hand to try to soften the blow of being stuck in the past.

Two-Gun Kid: “Hawkeye -- I know this seems like terrible news, but you’ve lived here before! If you have to stay, I’ll do everything I can to make you and your team happy!”

There’s really a deep friendship between these two pards.

Anyway, Wonder Man isn’t ready to give up yet.

Sure, the time machine is half-broken. Which is to say, it’s half-functional. It’s stuck in reverse so why not go further back in time?

Hawkeye: “HUH?!!”

But Wonder Man’s got a Wonder Plan.

They can’t go back to the present but they can go further into the past... say to the time of Ancient Egypt where Nicer Rama-Tut ruled?

As a refresher: Rama-Tut is just younger Kang and he was a dick who fought the Fantastic Four. But then Kang got old and tired and in a very Kangish way decided he hated himself at a different point on the timeline.

He gave up conquest and returned to rule Egypt, presumably without having to conquer it. Anyway, he was a cool guy give or take being a god-king ruler of a land that required at least some force to maintain power.

So if the West Coast Avengers show up, he’d probably totally fix the time machine! Because he’s a great guy, Older, Nicer Rama-Tut is!

Ghost Rider objects that this is a really dumb idea that could strand them LOST IN TIME FOREVERRRR but Hawkeye is going to do it anyway. Because giving up without trying ever reckless idea just isn’t the Hawkeye way.

Ghost Rider keeps objecting but Mockingbird tells him hey glad he’s concerned but Hawkeye said they’re doing the reckless plan so they’re doing the reckless plan because he’s the chairman of this wacky team.

Wonder Man proposes that the team try going back one hundred years first as a test before trying to go all the way back fifty centuries. Just to make sure they can control the time machine.

But when Wonder Man activates the time platform and it starts building up power, Ghost Rider goes wild.

He bonks Mockingbird, slings her over his horse, and rides off with her.

Ghost Rider: “Mockingbird must not be lost! The goddess must remain with the ghost!”

Hawkeye tries jumping off the time platform after his wife but Wonder Man and Iron Man hold him in place because “energy-flux” would tear him apart.

And I imagine having half of you in one century and half in another is probably bad for homeostasis.

Two-Gun and Rawhide realize that they’re going to have to go after Ghost Rider to rescue Mockingbird. Even though they have no idea how they’re going to reunite Mockingbird and Hawkeye even if they DO rescue her.

What a mess.

The Avengers -- and the PLOT -- have been split between three different centuries!

Hank Pym and La Espirita are still doing stuff in the 20th century. Mockingbird is having further mandatory cowboy adventures in the 19th. And the rest of the West Coast Avengers are on their way to the 18th!

Dammit, time travel!

Follow @essential-avengers​ because I don’t have an essential-west-coast-avengers tumblr. Like and reblog? It’s up to you.