#i'm so fucking tired of trying and trying to get through college and just self-destructing at every opportunity

[knoxiating]

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[crazylil-lion]

What's so crazy is after all these years I still feel as if its my fault. As if I was better, stronger if I could just handle all the responsibilities dropped on me at such a young age. I feel as if I should've been smarter more successful sure I'm at a place now where everyone sees me as successful but they don't see the wasted potential. The fact I very easily could've been further I breezed through college with 3hrs of sleep a night and so suicidal I broke down daily. I still do randomly start crying completely unable to stop. I've made it all this time on the high of self harm and disassociating I'm asked how I handle the stress and pressure. Its simple I never had the choice I either handle it all or others struggle as I did. Yeah I'm successful but Imagine if I got over the abuse. Even now if I could go 1 fucking day without the burning urge to self destruct. Its like no wonder people don't want my emotional ass because I'm just a fucking shell of who I was. My fire gone my motivation gone I'm just making it through the day each day. So touch starved my skin literally feels like its burning but cold. Will I ever have love? Will I ever want to wake up? Or will I never experience what most people live thier life for. Will the agony and loneliness destroy me before I ever get there. I always expected to die by my own hand I just preyed something else would take me before I couldn't take it anymore. I just want to avoid hurting people but I'm so tired of trying when no ones ever really noticed or appreciated me.