#i'm tired of never having the permission to call something crappy crappy and to be angry and to protect myself

[paradoxikaa]

i fuckin hate people >:) i hate the shitty social dynamics we have inherited and disseminated throughout our cultures >:) i hate the way a lot of parents feed both provision and poison to their children from the same hand in the same bite and then wonder why the family tree stays sick and rotten i fucking hate all of this >:) i hope we all fuckin die

[yzkhr]

Third installment of the Love Language Miniseries

It might be OOC so please bear with me

Dedicated to the one who gave me this wonderful yet painful series idea @meitanteisachi!

-

Words of Affirmation- You get a thrill from receiving compliments and unexpected praise. You like it when others say they care about you or appreciate having you in their lives. You love feeling understood and receiving recognition for a job well done.

Shinichi trusts Ran a lot. But having a recent 'misunderstanding' along with being busy with his detective work and texting an apology yet receiving a slur of misspelled sentences with only the words 'Sonoko' and the name of a specific bar being decipherable, he can't help but worry and overthink.

(The name 'Kazuha' was readable as well and it did lessen his panic, but the reassurance he felt was nothing compared to Sonoko and her constant tricks that worsened when they became adults.)

Reaching the said bar on Rans' text message, he rushes inside and immediately dislikes the smell of mixed alcohols and smoke everywhere. Face indifferent, he passes through the dancing crowd and went straight to where he deduces his girlfriend to be.

Knowing Ran, she's not someone to go wild in such a tight place, nor does she appreciate the smell of cigarettes all over the dance floor. She would be somewhere comfortable and quiet enough to converse with Sonoko and Kazuha. Shinichi can't think of a better spot than the bartenders' counter.

And he was right.

There she was, in the middle of a familiar drinking blonde on her left and a brown haired woman on her right, reclined in her stool and mouthing words to her left side. Despite her back being the only thing he can see from where he's standing, he recognized it in an instant, having been familiar from the sight since childhood (her iconic hairstyle also helped).

Walking a little closer to be heard and putting his hands into his pockets, he calls out. "Ran."

The girls, save from the gulping heiress who ignores him, turns around and express the same visage upon seeing him. Rans' expression instantly change however, as her wide eyes and agape mouth closes and curls up into a smile.

"Shinichi!"

She stands up from her seat and walks over to him in an odd unbalanced manner. On a closer inspection, Shinichi noticed how her cheeks flushed a rather more healthy red than normal.

Raising an eyebrow, he opens his mouth to scold but his prepared reprimands die on his throat as Ran hugs him instead of just standing in front of him, her slender hands wrapped around his neck slowly, her feet tiptoeing as she concluded she wasn't tall enough to reach Shinichis' height.

He instinctively backs away from the unexpected warmth and weight, flustered and confused. Ran didn't even gave him the time to recover, leaning her head into the crook of his neck and sniffing it as he felt her sigh, successfully making his mind blank.

"You smell nice." she whispers, letting out a giggle as if entertained at her out of nowhere compliment while he stands there, frozen and left with no words to respond. Even after five years of being together, her effect on him stays consistent and powerful, similar to their first meeting.

Fortunately, he was brought out of his reverie by a familiar—not in a good way— smell of rum mixed into her natural sweet odor. From that, everything clicked. Her red face, wobbly walking and unexpected behavior finally made sense to him.

"You're drunk." he deduces as he looks down at his girlfriend who avoided eye contact by looking sideways and pouting, confirming her guilty.

"Sorry Kudo-kun," he redirects his gaze at the source of the voice, finding an apologetic Tooyama Kazuha. " We're the ones that invited her here and as you can see," her eyes went to Ran briefly before going back to him and continues sheepishly, "We kinda got carried away."

He expected the answer. After all, Ran rarely drinks, much less get drunk. She'd only really go all out when there's an important celebration or a really big problem, like a certain misunderstanding that may or may have not happened between the two of them.

"It's fine." he acquits as his eyes looks at anywhere but Kazuhas' green ones, unsure of how to ask. "Umm, did Ran told you anything concerning? Like if there's a huge problem or something?"

The Osakan woman's eyes widened and suspiciously travelled to Ran as if asking for permission, who in return tightened her grip around his neck to bring him down a little. Kazuha now seems to have an answer, glancing back at him.

"Nope, Ran-chan said nothing like that at all." with the way she puts up a tight lipped smile, it was obvious she was lying. "Besides, if there is an issue like that, why don't you ask her? I'm sure she'd tell you."

He wants to disagree, being aware of Rans' nature to he very considerate that she might dismiss the topic. But Shinichi really isn't fond of the idea of pressuring his bestfriends' girlfriend, so he didn't say anything. Besides, Kazuha was right, if there was anyone to ask about what is wrong, it would be his girlfriend.

"Yeah, you're right." he laughs and attempts to change the topic, not wanting to make the atmosphere awkward. "Anyways, it's pretty late. Want me to take you guys home?"

The brunette shakes her head and looks from behind. Shinichi follows her gaze, only to find Sonoko still on the counter and talking to someone on the phone. Her voice is so loud that it can mildly be heard from where they're standing.

"No thanks, it seems Sonoko-chan is already calling Makoto-kun to pick her up."

"It seems so," he now looks back to her. "How about you?"

"No need," she pulls out her phone, showing him her private chat with Hattori. "The ahou already texted he's on his way."

"And besides," Kazuha sends him a teasing look and an amused smile. "Even if we didn't have our boyfriends picking us up, you'll still get your hands full."

As if on cue, Shinichi was reminded of his girlfriend who's still clinging on to him, her constant breathing on his ear enough to make him go red, as if he's the one intoxicated.

He silently agrees to Kazuhas' statement.

-

Ran insists on walking home instead of getting a taxi. He protested but after being presented with the same adorable pleading look she always used on him back when he was Conan;wide eyes, pouty lips, and blushing cheeks, he was really left with no choice.

Now, they tread across the empty streets of Beika with the moon illuminating the area, Shinichi makes sure that his girlfriend doesn't trip from her quivering steps, choosing to carry her on his back, her arms hanging loosely around his neck while his hand secured on her thighs, assuring of no fall. The night serves peaceful, accompanied by a comfortable silence.

Until he decided to break it.

"Hey Ran--" he starts, wanting to ask her about the 'problem' he wasn't sure they're having, but was cut off by her instead.

"Ne, Shinichi?" her voice is a bit slurred but with his proximity, he heard it just fine. She seemed to have timed it when he decided to speak, deliberately avoid the questioning from him, concluding that something is wrong. He wanted to ignore her distraction and push further, but with Rans' current condition, he gives up and lets her get away.

"Hmm?"

"Did it hurt?" he stops walking in confusion at such a sudden question, prompting him to face her as she wears an innocent smile.

"What hurt?" he asks, not getting the point. It took him a few seconds to catch on to what her 'innocent smile' and question means, and he isn't exactly happy at the conclusion he got.

"Please no," he exclaims as she looks at him expectantly, really wanting to continue. he complains. "Isn't this supposed to be the other way around?"

A glare is all it took for him to know she's not giving up. However, Shinichi isn't going to comply so easily either.

"Let me guess, when I fell from heaven?" he teases her, ahead of the supposed pick up line she's about to say.

Instead of being angry however, Rans' smile widens more than before, not looking as innocent. "No."

Eyebrows furrowing in confusion he asks, "What?"

"When you fell for me."

He stares in disbelief. He had never expected such a cheesy pick up line to be even more cheesier than it already is and it honestly impresses him(in a bad way). Meanwhile, Ran looks way too proud of herself, a huge grin plastered on her face.

"Okay, you win." he states rather dejectedly and continues walking, wishing his surrender to be the end of her drunk flirting.

If he were to be completely honest, Shinichi somewhat expected Ran to do something crazy and uncharacteristic, since it isn't the first time for her to be this intoxicated. The last time, she sang random songs with the most intangible lyrics he had ever heard, her drunk singing voice comparable to his normal one. This time it's the same, only now it's sappy pick up lines instead of crappy lyrics( he isn't sure which one is worse).

"Shinichi," she starts again, and it was cue for Shinichi to pick up his pace to get home faster, and he did. But Ran is stubborn. She calls his name on repeat way too many times, that he has to stop and finally decides to listen.

"Alright, let's hear it and quickly take you home to your apartment because I'm already tired of this." he yields, defeated and weary. On the other hand, Rans' expression is the complete opposite, too cheerful and energetic like neon lights on a dark room.

"You know why you're tired?"

"Yeah because of your pick up--"

"Because you've been running through my mind all day long." she breaks into a laugh as he stops functioning, wondering how his girlfriend can be so witty and stupid at the same time whenever she drinks a lot more than usual.

He ponders if Kaito has something to do it. After all, there is no one better and worse at flirting with words than he is. Rans' are tolerable but maybe it's because he loves her so much that he does appreciate them, but they're still pretty bad.

He deadpans at her still cackling form just to express his emotions. "You know, other people will call you an idiot if they know you're doing this."

She pauses, her turn to be confused. "Just other people? What will you call me then?"

"My idiot who's doing this."

Her reaction is instantaneous. Her face blossomed a shade of crimson as she coughs, too taken aback while he tilts inwards, smirking at having to get back at her antics.

"That's not fair!" she whines, throwing daggers at him as she cough a little more.

"You started it." he yawns, the night catching on to him.

He really thought it was the end of it, but Ran always proves him wrong as she started once again. "Yeah, being good looking must be sooo tiring."

He really is impressed at how her mind can processed a mundane action and turn into a bad and cheesy pick up line. But he didn't become friends with the worst flirt in the world for nothing. Clearly not accepting defeat, he decides to play along. "Then you must be exhausted."

Her face turns into a blushing mess either from embarrassment or frustration or maybe even from both.

"Shinichi!"

And that's what they did until they got home. He truly was worried that there was something bothering Ran, but from the way she conversed and flirted with him(even though he's sure it's the alcohol talking), he was confident that if there was a problem, it isn't as bad as he expects it to be.

-

After an hour of throwing trashy jokes at each other, they finally made it to her apartment. He grabs the key he got from her earlier and opens the door, going straight to the sofa to put down his girlfriend.

Ran looks tired, eyes constantly blinking as she takes off her shoes, slower than it's supposed to be. She flops down on the couch, ready to doze off. Making sure she won't fall off, he strides into the kitchen to get some water.

Going back in the living room with a glass, he now finds her sitting instead of her laid down position a minute ago. She's dazed, eyes dead set on the table across as her brows intensely furrow as if trying to figure something out.

"Here you go," he sits down beside her, offering the water. He watches her drink it languidly, attentive to her every move. After finishing and putting it back on the table with a thud, Ran stands up, a hand on her throat.

"What's wrong?" he asks as the panic becomes visible on her visage, eyes roaming everywhere.

"I think I'm gonna throw up," as if on signal, she makes a strained sound while Shinichi rushes her inside the bathroom, certain that Ran won't appreciate walking into her living room with vomit all around it.

Upon reaching the toilet, Shinichi lets her bend over it and finally lets out everything she ate and drank that day as he soothes her back, stroking it back and forth. He also holds her hair up just make sure it doesn't get in the way.

"Are you okay?" he tilts his head in confusion as she turns around now done with her task, eyes watering slightly.

"I'm hungry." he sighs, having predicted it. He isn't the best at cooking, but letting his girl cook for herself while still being a bit visually impaired and losing her self balance every now and then sounds like the worst decision he can make in this situation.

"Fine. I'll make you something." hearing such words, Ran wipes her tears and beams at him. He leads her out of the restroom, leaving her on the couch and heading to the kitchen to cook at least a soup just to quench her hunger.

A few minutes passed and he comes back to a yawning Ran, with a hot and steamy soup laying in his hands. She offers him a drowsy smile, and he gives a knowing one in return.

"Here," he places the bowl on the table in front her and Ran takes it leisurely. She takes a chunk of food and blows at it, in the hopes of lessening the heat. Satisfied, she puts it on her mouth and makes a noise, glancing at him.

"It tastes good!" he chuckles and shakes his head in disapproval. "Thanks but, I'm pretty sure it only taste like that because you're drunk."

He leans in the wall as he watches her consume the soup with gusto, making his heart swell. When Ran finally eats half of it, he speaks out.

"Seriously, what made you drink so much like that?" despite the high chance that she won't answer, he still gives it a try.

After hearing no response, the detective sighs and looks away, deciding to let it slide and thinks that he'll just try again tomorrow.

But it looks like that he doesn't have to.

"It's Shinichi's fault." she said it so casually and quietly, but it didn't get pass his ears. Shock at the fact that she replied and at the specific retort, he looks back and stares at her.

"Eh?"

"It was Sonoko's little dare," she finishes the rest of the food without care and continues, "She told me how you're always so indifferent and said to make you blush or whatever. But, you you were so busy with the case that I didn't even had the chance and just gave up."

He was left dumbfounded. The events three days ago went back to him in a flash. All of Ran's little glances, her stuttering words, and even her hold on him before he left after taking her home finally made sense.

'That Sonoko!' he twitches his eyebrow in annoyance. He really should've seen that coming. If there was anyone this world who could think such an idea, it would be none other than their childhood friend.

He attempts to talk, but she beats him to it.

"But, now that I think about it, I really dont mind Shinichi being busy like that," she's now looking at him, a smile plastered on her blushing face, sign of still being under the influence of the alcohol. "After all, I really love Shinichi's face whenever he solves a case. Shinichi's eyes always lights up, like it's alive and burning. As if seeing a world no one else knows."

"Whenever Shinichi solves a case, he helps a lot of people. And it's amazing to know, that tons of people are alive right now—because of Shinichi." she rambles on, calling his name too many times as if she's only talking to herself, like he isn't standing right there at all to listen.

Her voice, despite being slurred holds honesty in them that didn't make the current condition of his heart any better as he's hearing her compliment him.

"I guess that just means, that I really love Shinichi." she laughs at her own words, finding such a revelation amusing.

Meanwhile, Shinichi stands there having only two things in his mind; that Ran is really drunk, and that he's just glad the dare is over. Because if it wasn't, with the way he feels his face burning right now, he was sure Ran would've absolutely won it.

[skybound2]

I'm hope you're doing well through this pandemic! I was hoping for advice. I just had my first series of MRIs to test for MS and I'm so afraid I'll call them and find out there was nothing there. That thought scares me more than having it because it means there's no reason for all my pain or muscle spasms. Did you go through this?

First off, thank you so much for messaging me. And I’m SO SORRY it’s taken me a little while to respond. I’ve been hanging in there through everything, best I can, and I hope that are too, as best as you can. 

So, I was “lucky” in some ways when it came to my diagnosis in that it kinda-sorta came “quickly” for me? I put both lucky and quickly in quotes, because really it wasn’t either of those things, but after reading some of the long-term horror stories that others have gone through in regards to getting a diagnosis, I feel that the words DO sort of apply? 

In summary, back in 2016 I went to the emergency room with what I THOUGHT were symptoms of stroke. I was pretty swiftly rushed to be seen, as my symptoms WERE pretty consisted with a stroke. (I’d lost feeling on the left side of my face, and was having trouble speaking, and couldn’t walk in a straight line, and all that fun stuff.)

Once brought in, they did my family history, and when they got to the part where my father had died of a pretty rare auto-immune disease (not MS), they rushed me through admittance and within a few hours I had my first set of MRIs. After which they conclusively said “not a stroke, but we think it’s MS.” I had a few more MRIs done during the course of my stay at the hospital (which lasted a few days). They were pretty sure it was MS by that point, but they had me come back before the week was out to have a spinal tap to confirm. All told, it took less than 2 weeks for me to get that diagnosis. (And less than one more month after that to have the results independently verified by a different specialist in a different hospital system, just to be sure.)

After the diagnosis, my doctor and I were able to link up several other very random incidents in my adult history that were MOST LIKELY MS relapses. (My MRIs at the time showed at least 5 old lesions in addition to the currently active one, indicating multiple prior incidents.) I’d had various tests and assessments done before to try and figure out what the causes were during those events, but since the symptoms were never the same, it never occurred to me that they were related, and none of the doctor’s I saw were neurologists, so MS was never suggested. (Their best guesses included complications from an old Epstein Barr infection, or unexpected issues related to a genetic issue I have, or just some unspecified sleep disorder that WASN’T narcolepsy...) 

So even though I had my answer pretty quick (in relation to my hospital admittance), it had actually been something I’d been dealing with off and on for more than a decade and just didn’t know it. 

THAT SAID, I completely understand the WANT to have an ANSWER to what you are going through. There is very little that is more frustrating than having random pains with no injury, or feeling crappy, or being tired ALL. THE. TIME. and not knowing WHY. It’s truly awful. Because that HAD been my life up to that point, I just had sort of accepted it as “things that I deal with some times” until the day I went to the hospital. 

I wish that I could say that once the diagnosis was made, that those frustrations left entirely, but they haven’t. But what HAS happened, is that I have a starting point for figuring out what is wrong with me when something pops up. Like, its important to be conscious of the fact that while whatever issue has suddenly popped up for me IS likely the MS, I still need to ALSO consider that it could be an unrelated cause (because it would be Very Bad if I ignored an important symptom of something new by just ASSUMING that it’s the MS), or that it COULD just be me getting older (does this hurt because of MS, or because I’ve turned 40? The thrilling and ongoing saga!)

And I think, the other thing that the diagnosis has given me, is the self-awareness to permit myself to take the time to REST and HEAL the way that I need to when it happens, in a way that I never did before. 

I think if I can offer any advice while you wait for a diagnosis, is that even if you don’t get a diagnosis right away, is to give yourself that permission. Diagnosis or no diagnosis. You know your body better than anyone else. And you know when something is not right with it. Because those pains and muscle spasms? Whether it is MS that is causing them or something else, you know that they aren’t normal, so don’t let anyone tell you that they are, and take the time you need to take care of yourself when you need to. 

I hope that you get the answers you need sooner rather than later, and I hope that your health takes a better turn even sooner than that. 

[crazycrackersworld]

Up, dressed, in my truck, and on the road before the sun is up, again. Sleep maybe someday I'll remember what that is, probably not anytime soon.

Oh maybe if I'm lucky 2 hours of sleep last night headache sick vomiting blood, you know the usual.

Now that she's on the mend I'm sure she slept just fine of course I don't think she's ever lost a minute of sleep over me, but I suppose that's a good thing for her. There's just certain things I don't understand, and I don't understand how she can say and do some of the things she says and does and then pull what she did yesterday I don't understand it.

Last week when she sent me some message about how she can be cold and detached and not carrying her something like that and I sent her a message back telling her that I can be cold and detached too and now you're going to see that, and right away is she called me tell me that's not what was happening here or something she's worried or nervous that I was going to become cold and detached days later she says things and does things that give me no choice but to be cold and detached why didn't she just let me do it last week?

I knew it was going to happen eventually I knew what road I was walking and where it was going to take me cuz I've walked it many times yet every time I said that that was going to happen she always asked what did she do or what did she say to make me feel that way nothing really just feeling I had in my gut I mean in the last two months there's been several times where I told her I was just going to stop I was going to stop talking, and basically told her or gave her permission or whatever to just stop talking to me every time I said that she got upset.

I don't understand how you can refer to Friday night as an awesome date how you could blow me a kiss good night before you went to bed after we video chatted send me pictures of your legs while you're in the bathtub and then wonder why I would get upset about what you said yesterday I don't blow kisses to friends and I certainly don't show Friends my naked legs when I'm in the bathtub and I would never do it to somebody who I knew wanted to be more than my friend but I guess that behavior is perfectly fine for her.

But I have a long day today 11 stops somehow I have to figure out how I'm going to get to my doctor appointment this afternoon cuz I need pills hopefully put me back on medication for my migraine cuz they have been getting worse and maybe he can give me something to help me sleep.

Still plugging away at my job every day and training, not as much as I should but training or at 5K I'm going to have to ramp up the training pretty hard though.

But I'm also kind of sort of half asleep and I've already almost been into car accidents and I've only been driving for 15 minutes if I do not off behind the wheel or just too tired to pay attention to something bad happens well putting this out there so that everybody knows and I had a crappy night why I had a crappy night because I believe there are consequences for your actions and for how you treat people and if I don't make it through today alive I'm not saying it's anybody's fault there are people who put bricks in that wall.

I'm told that you know it takes more than love and there's no way I'm ever going to change a certain person's mind about that, and I never said All You need is Love Beatles said that I didn't say that I do realize that when love is there you can work on almost any other problem though as long as there's still love and I totally believe that. But both people have to be willing to work on it and in this case both aren't. You know making sure she made it through that first day after the car accident at work and making sure she got home safe that night making sure she got to bed being supportive of her through that whole process that wasn't just love that was a dozen other things. Worrying about her and keeping an eye on her pack even sending her the oxygen monitor while she had the covid it wasn't just love that was other stuff too. So I don't understand how she can think that you know love is the only thing that's there, cuz I think that there's so much more but but I think doesn't really matter.

I live someplace where I don't hardly have any friends meeting people is not as easy now as it was when I was in my teens or my twenties I do have friends that I can talk to and that I can reach out to but they're all in Wisconsin it's not like I have anything when I can even go see him freaking movie with.

But I will just keep plugging along day after day like I have been this is why I told Katana that it doesn't necessarily get easier in life you just learn how to deal with the fact that it's not easy better.

I just really don't know how you can do so much for somebody and they can care so little they say that they do but if they did yesterday wouldn't happen but that's why I'm pretty certain I don't know what I'm certain of anymore. Right now I'm just going to try to get to the day without wrapping my truck around a f****** tree or crashing into something head on. And maybe I'll let you know how that goes at the end of the day.