#i'm trying so hard to see the positives but i am literally on the cusp of a manic episode i am trying so hard to not like tip over lol

[kath-artic]

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this has all been spurred on bc of a very close friend of mine. she does so much for me and is an incredible person who deserves so much happiness, but i see so much of the old me in her. we are extremely different, but she reminds me of the old me insofar as she spills herself completely and says the things she thinks others want to hear and seems to be right on the cusp of a confrontation with herself that will change everything if she lets it. that being said, she speaks so highly of me and so obsessively about how she's my best friend and as endearing as it is, it also worries me because i think she understands me to be something i'm not.

now none of this would bother me nearly as much as it has recently if it werent for the ways she simultaneously tries to bring me down. i dont think she means to do it, but there's a way she speaks at times that bothers me deeply. she has a tendency to ask people questions that put them in weird positions and they often center around these dilemmas wherein she assumes she has some deficiency compared to me abd confronts others with it (asking people she's hooking up with if they think i'm prettier than her, asking me why the people on the board of the club we ran together seem to respect me more, etc). she also has a tendency to post pictures of me that make me very uncomfortable without asking first and she only does it when she's talking to someone new (like she's trying to make sure anyone new she's talking to won't be into me instead and like. i woukdnt care if she was sending gross pictures of me to them directly but she just posts them publicly bc she 'doesnt want to be to forward'). then there's the way she belittles the things i care about. i told her something so private and personal and she treated it like a game and as much as she apologized up and down for it and as much as i forgive it, it doesnt change the fact that it showed me she fundamentally does not understand me. there have been other more minor instances of things i'd classify in tgis vein, but they seem irrelevant now. there are also other behaviors that i'd group in with these but i dont feel i have the right to because i realize they are tendencies i share (things like belittling the things i share specifically when she worries people will think i introduced her to the concept. that anxiety i understand comoletely, though the way she deals with it is a bit of a problem)

idk. its strange. shes really such a good person, but i worry at times that shes grown so concerned with being close to me that she also feels on some level that she needs to make me smaller both so she can keep me around and so that she can guarantee i'm not a threat. i feel like a pet (doesnt help that she jokes about me literally being her cat/Kat lol) and i dont really like it. i know thats not all i am to her and our relationship is so much more than this, but its been hard for me to see past this element of it recently. just really been bugging me. ill bring it up sometime soon when i think shes in a stable enough spot to hear it

[h1ghtechl0wlife]

shapeshifting gays are cursed w/ more than shapeshifting

hl: clicks over to a book w/ a lot of reviews that has a nice cover

"When Nox was fourteen, his brother Joth murdered their older brother, their mother, and a human girl. Nox survived, but the attack wrecked his womb. "

RUNS

im in the Bad Section of supernatural mlm

jackalloops: I'm So Sorry

hightech.lowlife: i can't believe abo is a thing that exists out of fanfiction sites

....possibly existed BEFORE the ones on fanfiction sites

squints

i dont want to know

jackalloops: mpreg is abo only got big in self-publishing books around when teen wolf got popular

bc that's where the dynamic started

hightech.lowlife: wh what

jackalloops: in fandom not the show*

hightech.lowlife: i think we've had this exact conversation like 3 times but

oh ok

like not okay but

jackalloops: like there's alpha/betas/omegas in teen wolf but in traditional werewolf fashion not "omegas have vaginas between their balls and ass"

"and everyone sprays their rank musk thru the streets"

hightech.lowlife: y e ah what wrong w ppl

jackalloops: "women don't exist possibly, also"

hightech.lowlife: why am i finding this on amazon

jackalloops: bc amazon lets u self publish

jackalloops:honestly i wouldn't be surprised if this werewolf one [one i linked earlier] is also abo, just hidden

a secret abo-verse

oH

she's the one who wrote the bear shifter books

hightech.lowlife: it better not be bc it looked cute

jackalloops: i can absolutely almost confirm that it's gonna have bo flavor

hightech.lowlife: god dammit

why cant i have gay werewolves tha tDONT GET PREGNANT

am i asking for the MOON zephy

jackalloops: i mean, basicall yes

hightech.lowlife: see what i did there

rev and google have a smirking cat emoji

discord is lacking

imagine one

jackalloops: things i can offer: avoid female authors bc they inevitably started writing gay shit from fanfic and most m/m werewolf writers have their roots in teen wolf's Horrible Fandom unless it's pre-2000

2010ish?

hightech.lowlife: i was leery of the female author for that reason but i thought mb........

but yeah it's like

a Notable issue

i try to avoid female writers for mlm stuff anyway bc just

bad.

incorrect

bad words

jackalloops: saammeeee

someone fanfic writers r fine but once they're trying to publish something it goes

wrong

here's someone who reviewed it who's also reviewed mpreg and abo-verse stuff (link)

me, stalking for good m/m werewolf books

hightech.lowlife: u g h

jackalloops: additionally why would u connect ur legal name to 30ish reviews of mpreg novels

hightech.lowlife: stressful

one of the top reviews on the book i'd been looking at bc it had like 22 positive reviews was like

"though this would contain m-preg was sorely disappointed"

but like

crytyping.

jackalloops: thoug,,,t this woul..dd countaim m---rpef waas sorely disappoin tes

hightech.lowlife: stumbles away from mlm shapeshifter/paranormal books in defeat, AGAIN

jackalloops: same, honestly.

hightech.lowlife: i just hate romance being the only thing in a book (or even like, 5% of the writing) but thats all there is in gay fiction!!! and u think itll get better if u go for a genre like horror or fantasy or smth but it just gets WORSE

kicks something over

a straight person, probably

jackalloops: animals i've noticed aren't used in abo-verse/mpreg fiction: felines (exception: jaguars, for some reason????), reptiles, mermen (unless they're spawning mermen in which case sorry it's awful no one wants to read about clouds of cum in the water that's not??? attractive??? to literally anyone salmon literally die after it happens is how bad it is)

hightech.lowlife: goes over in a huff to ao3 since i've found Trustworthy authors

jackalloops: bears usually aren't unless it's like hypermasc

hightech.lowlife: goes to search i was in

jackalloops: and not even i am into hypermasc

hightech.lowlife: "X has no idea Y is capable of falling pregnant "

IM FEELING VERY ATTACKED

jackalloops: also usually it's hypermasc bear shifter + tiny human boy just on the cusp of adulthood

usually underage

hightech.lowlife: j e su s

and ye ive noticed that abt cat shifters? but try and find gay cat shifters that dont have 100% romance stories

you cant!!

jackalloops: see also with bear shifters/werebears: grossly misrepresented bdsm (no safe words, no consent, not sane)

hightech.lowlife: why

where have all these things come from

oh right

straight women

jackalloops: (:

hightech.lowlife: also, my rec's from bookgorilla ended with a book, in the lgbt section, about a mom sending her gay son to conversion therapy camp because she's religious and 'struggling'

hasn't my day been bad enough????????????????/

jackalloops: that's not .... lgbt... .. . . . . .

hightech.lowlife: well see the whole family LEarns together and grows later and it's

uplifting

you know to straights

kicks something really hard

definitely a straight this time

jackalloops: petition to not let any straight people write any gay literature

hightech.lowlife: signs it seven times

jackalloops: hey actually i bet i could email the white house and b like "dr mister potatonut straight ppl have been writing Too Much Gay Fiction, can u make it illegal and only allow The Gays to produce gay content "

and dumptruck would b like ur absolutely write straight ppl aren't allowed in gay space anymore

hightech.lowlife: snorts

jackalloops: https://68.media.tumblr.com/1793dfec84c0b1ae337a05a53dd0ba41/tumblr_o4711oNXs21syym37o1_500.gif here the dark haired one kinda looks like a werewolf

hightech.lowlife: cute

jackalloops: light haired dude is possibly a cat of some sort

serval?

hightech.lowlife:d efinitely.

jackalloops: neither of them can get pregnant.

hightech.lowlife: omg i wans thinkgin servla

jackalloops: that's about where my creativity ends sorry

but i assure u, no mpreg or abo in that gif

hightech.lowlife: omg neither of them can get pregnant... a dream

what a good story

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