#i've been in too many fandom trenches to want otherwise

[remyfire]

I totally get not caring for a particular character or ship or something. We all have our own tastes. What I don’t understand is why some people feel the need to be total assholes towards those who do like a character or ship that they can’t stand.

On the flip side, some people do need to grow a thicker skin and accept the fact that not everyone likes their favorite character or ship or whatever.

This is one of those asks where unfortunately I’m not able to tell if you’re sending it to me in good faith or bad faith, which is a shame. I’m hoping it’s good faith, so I’d like to answer seriously and trust that you’ll take it that way also.

Let me start by saying that I don't believe anyone is under the impression that everyone should like their favorite character or ship. We're all adults here. We all know that preferences exist. It's a matter of how we choose to honor and respect those preferences.

There are absolutely instances where a thicker skin should be grown. I can think of a number of situations where that can happen, such as if people are having a civil discussion about things they disagree about, but because one of the parties feels uncomfortable, they start throwing pretty rough accusations or virtue signaling to try and make the conversation end as quickly as possible. I get it. It can feel super icky and squirmy if someone has a different viewpoint from ours. Sometimes it’s really hard just to say, “Hey, I feel a little cornered. I wanna check in that we’re both still feeling okay about this, and if we’re not, then I’d like to agree to disagree. We can just leave it here with mutual respect, all right?”

But there’re also times where it really doesn’t come down to someone being overly sensitive. It comes down to downright meanness and rudeness.

Let’s be honest. There is a very high probability that you and I both know what’s being talked about. I don’t have to spell it out. So let’s be frank with each other. If you go through one of these tags, post after post of insightful, creative, loving, funny, interesting commentary, and not a single rude or mean thing to be said. The other one, a similar situation, but interspersed with just outright rude, mean, and intentionally inflammatory comments that absolutely did not need to be put in the tag at all. There seems to be this belief that certain characters or ships are disliked with an equal amount of vehemence, like two warring factions. This is clearly not accurate.

This isn’t a situation where someone just needs to grow a thicker skin. If there is a ship/character tag that is completely left alone by the people who don’t care for it versus a ship/character tag that keeps getting rudeness filtered in every so often, this doesn’t mean that the latter group of enjoyers should just…not experience annoyance about it nor withhold expressing that annoyance. And again, there is a distinct difference between civil discussion/disagreement/opposing opinions and intentionally inflammatory statements. I like to believe that people can generally tell the difference between them and react accordingly.

Everyone is free to express their own thoughts on this platform as long as they’re not against TOS. We all know this and we all respect this. This applies also to how we choose to use tags. There is a generally understood etiquette that if you’re saying something just outright mean about a character or a ship, you don’t put it in that specific tag. This is not a requirement. No one is asserting that it is. It’s just a polite courtesy because we recognize that tags are used by the people who browse those characters/ships because they enjoy them, so we don’t typically like to rain on their parade.

But this also means that if someone says something rude—if someone walks into somebody’s sandbox and kicks sand in their eyes—then they have no room to whine if that person stands up and complains about it, and they really have no excuse for doubling down with EXTRA rudeness either. If someone tells us not to tease an animal, and we do it twenty times in a row anyway, then ultimately we are responsible for the fact that we were bitten.

Notably, I am saying this about all people involved in a fandom. Including those who are intentionally inflammatory in the tags of posts where they really did not need to commentate. There's a way to say, "I'm surprised by this and I really don't understand how we got here," without implying that anyone who disagrees is lacking in taste. Again, differing preferences. Respecting them. Standing up and walking away from the keyboard if we experience a big and overwhelming emotion in our chest so we can ensure that we don't just kick a hornet's nest for the sake of feeling personally superior. So anyway! After that big long ramble, I’m happy to say that I agree with you. I just also believe in people’s right to express annoyance—especially if it’s untagged and on their own blog—when someone shows up and, again, kicks the sand around. And hell, for all I know, maybe you agree with that too and I made some assumptions about this ask out of habit due to some particularly awful anon asks that I’ve gotten recently. But I’d really, really like it if there was less sandkicking all around because, y’all, I really like it here. I love all of these characters and ships so fucking much. You only have to glance at my AO3 page to see that. And I’d really like to keep having fun with you all instead of flinching every time Tumblr yet again recommends me a super intentionally inflammatory post in a tag that I follow.